


Save Me

by NicoleEdxAl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, BDSM, College, Depression, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Name Calling, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pierced Levi, Self-Harm, Slurs, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, angst in later chapters, eren with glasses, eren's pov, erwin and levi's beautiful friendship, pansexual eren, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2018-03-29 05:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 51
Words: 200,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3883243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoleEdxAl/pseuds/NicoleEdxAl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren's life seems to be going downhill. He thought he had everything sorted out when he moved in with his boyfriend, Jean. He's been self harming for years and keeps his secret hidden in order to make the relationship work. He meets an Online friend, Levi, who will change his life when everything else takes a turn for the worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SaltyWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltyWriter/gifts).



> This is my first post on AO3 and my first ereri fic ever. I decided to write it based on events that happened to a very close friend of mine. She's an amazing person and this story is a tribute to her. I had to alter a few things to make the story become an ereri based fic along with changing a few aspects of Levi's life to follow the series instead of keeping it identical to mine. I hope you all enjoy it and feedback is always appreciated. <3

Where do I even begin to explain my life? The basics are usually a good start. My name is Eren Jaeger. I'm eighteen and my life is a complete and utter train wreck. It wasn't all bad, it just seemed to get worse once my father found out about my sexuality.

Before all hell broke lose, I lived with my mother, father and adopted sister, Mikasa. My mother died after I turned 13. Her life was cut short by a familiar bitch called cancer. After that, the house seemed to fall into a regular uncomfortable silence. Even Mikasa and I seemed to drift apart after that. I only saw her at supper time and she would keep herself locked away in her room at any other time.

I can't blame her though. I wasn't much different. My mother was the foundation of everything I did and after she died there was an empty pit I could never fill. I tried to distract myself with doodling or hanging out with my best friend, Armin, but nothing seemed to work.

I gave up trying.

I fell into depression shortly after that and lost most of my other friends who were too fed up with my shit to care about me anymore. They tried their best to help, but I would either push them away or yell at them. They didn't stick around very long. I'm surprised Armin lasted as long as he did. I got into fights every now and then which added insult to injury since my teachers hated me as it was. I didn't bother handing in any assignments and I skipped class on a regular basis to smoke.

I dropped out of highschool and lets just say my father wasn't too impressed. I was getting straight D's while Mikasa was a prized student. She worked hard and it paid off. Unfortunately for me, my mother was the only reason I did any work in school. It would always make me feel good to see her smile when I handed her a test with a big fat A on it. I never got the same praise from my father.

Instead of school I attempted to work. My little smoking habit wasn't cheap and I was running low on funds. I'll say right now that it was harder than ever to find somewhere that would hire a fifteen year old drop out. It was complete and utter bullshit luck that a sketchy convenience store was short staffed and were hiring damn near anyone with legs. I scored a job and did what I could with my pathetic life.

I ended up working with a guy named Jean who trained me. I'll skip all the bullshit and cut to the chase. We started dating. I knew he was four years older then me, but I've never given a damn about age gaps anyways. I thought my life was looking up for a change; little did I know it would dip into a downwards spiral.

I'd come home one night after work and found my father sitting in the kitchen with my phone in his hand. I hadn't realized I'd forgotten it. At first I was pissed off at him for going through my stuff, but that soon changed to concern when his eyes met mine with a mixture of hate and disgust. Apparently he'd been reading my texts between Jean and I and managed to put two and two together. I remember a lot of yelling but the rest is a blur. I ended up on the ground with blood covering my tongue and the air knocked out of my lungs. I managed to run out of the house and went straight to Jean's apartment where I dropped to the floor and cried like a baby.

I didn't have a home anymore.

My depression had worsened before that which resulted in several paper thin cuts along my wrist. I'd restrained myself enough pretty well once my mother died, but now everything was crashing down around me. I needed a better distraction and pain seemed to be the only way. I'm fully aware I'm hurting myself, but that makes me feel in control.

I felt lost.

Like the world had taken a giant shit on my chest and carved out my heart with a spoon. The void was getting bigger and bigger with absolutely no end. Everything was getting worse when I was only trying to make it better. The fact my father beat the hell out of me caught me completely by surprise. I was blindsided and left to wonder why being pansexual was such a bad thing. What made it worse was the fact my father and I had been very close at one point. After mom died we would spend hours sitting on the deck listening to old records and discussing stupidly hipster things. I don't want to say I hate him now, but this burning feeling in my heart won't let me stop.

Jean was kind enough to let me stay at his place. He told me I didn't have to pay, but I would need to keep the apartment in top shape at all times. I don't mind cleaning or even cooking for that matter so it seemed like a pretty good offer. Plus I'd be living with my boyfriend. I would have to be stupid to turn him down.

And now at the ripe old age of eighteen I'm sitting in my boyfriend's apartment after another shitty day at work curled up on the couch. And this is where my life really begins.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 My day at work passed as you would expect any day would. I can't complain too much since they seem to be my only option as far as income is concerned. I don't have to pay for the apartment, so I'm free to spend my money where ever I want. I'm not going to say I'm a smart spender- because I'm not- but I try to keep my money for when I need it most. For the most part that would be buying cigarettes. I know it's stupid. I'm old enough to know better, but I've lost whatever bone in my body that makes me give a fuck. My mental health is screwed to hell as it is so there's no sense in trying to save my physical. That's my logic for you.

It felt nice to flop down on the couch and put another day of whining people behind me. I have the next two days off and I'm going to enjoy them the best I can. The apartment is quiet and that would have to do with Jean being gone. He works most days and sometimes travels where ever he's needed, though he's never gone for more than a couple days at a time. I keep the place spotless like he wanted and so far everything has worked out fine.

I painfully push myself off the couch to find my laptop which is no doubt covered in a pile of laundry. I find it in the bedroom and grab a can of Pepsi on my way back to the couch; cracking it open to enjoy the sugary abundance of liquid that slides down my throat. It's so disgustingly amazing.

I push open my laptop and head straight for one of my favourite dorky ass games. I have it bookmarked in my browser so I don't have to waste any time typing in the link. Call me pathetic, but those three seconds it takes me to type the URL takes up valuable time.

The page loads in a matter of seconds (yay for highspeed) and I quickly find a server to goof around on. I honestly don't know why I enjoy this game so much. It's a bunch of guys with swords flying around killing giant naked men. It sounds made up, but I assure you it's real. It's a good way to kill time when I'm alone in the apartment and I'd be scared to see how many hours I have logged on here.

Man I'm pathetic.

I join the server which isn't as full as I would have liked, but I'm too lazy to find another one. There's only two other people in it besides me and they're already on the tenth wave of 'titans'. I pick my character and join them as soon as I can. I become entranced with the setting and I enjoy picturing myself in their world. The titans look pretty stupid on a computer screen, but if they were real we would all be fucked.

I let my mind wander for a little too long and I glance back at the screen to find my character in a bloody heap in the grass. Normally I'm a lot better than this, but I guess I'm just not feeling it today. I was too lazy to grab my mouse and the track pad isn't the most useful thing in the world. I sigh quietly and take another quick sip of Pepsi as I watch a comment appear in the bottom left hand corner of the screen.

 **HumanitysStrongest:** That was the most pathetic display I've ever seen.

Correct punctuation and all. Is this guy serious? I have to laugh a little with how much of a tool this person is. I smirk and decide to snap back at him.

 **Jaegerbombs:** srry. wus to distracted with how terrible ur maneuverings skillz r.

He can take my crappy spelling and shove it up his ass. I'm not one for insults, but I hope I hit a mark somewhere.

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Well, brat, how about next time you watch your own ass instead of mine.

I snort a little with his comment and also with the fact the third guy in the server hasn't commented at all. Some guy by the name of Commander_Smith. The next wave starts and I spawn in with an amazing kill/death of 0-1.

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Now don't fuck up this time.

Okay fuck this guy. I jump up from the couch to grab my mouse off the computer desk on the far end of the room. If I hadn't been so lazy, this whole confrontation thing never would have happened. I shove the usb into it's slot and crouch over my laptop like I'm about to take a shit- which is an amazing simile by the way.

I indulge myself in the game once again, looping off the trees and not once touching the ground. It's easy enough once you get the hang of it, but then again that's the case with a lot of things. I have to laugh at the screen every time I swoop in and steal one of HumanitysStrongest's kills. I wish I could see the look on his face now that my kill/deaths top his. Not to mention my damage count is through the roof. I guess that shut him up pretty quickly. The other guys hasn't said a single word but he's not the one I'm trying to piss off.

 **HumanitysStrongest:** I guess you're not as shitty as I thought.

I would say the same to him, but I don't want to give him that satisfaction- it might go to his head. He's a skilled enough played but it looks like I come out on top when it comes to level.

I perch my character in a tree and return to my drink as the next wave starts, nearly choking when the apartment door opens. I swear to god if I ever spill anything on my laptop it will be the death of me. I turn to find Jean kicking the door closed behind him and offering me a smile. He has what I'm assuming is takeout in his hands and god I love him for reading my mind like that. He has Chinese and he knows I'll kill for the stuff.

“Ready to eat?”

He should know the answer to that and I never understand why he always asks me. I'm an endless pit when it comes to food. How I still weigh under 150 pounds blows my mind. I can't gain any weight if I try.

I glance back to the game and see that the tool bag has left me yet another heart warming message.

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Brat, if you're gonna go afk at least leave the damn server.

The fact that both of them are now dead amuses me. I look away for a couple seconds and they both end up as titan food. As much as I want to continue playing, the smell of Chinese food is attacking my nostrils.

 **Jaegerbombs:** guess u couldnt survive without my mad skillz

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Blow me.

 **Jaegerbombs:** i gotta go. but i wouldnt mind playin with u guys again. add me?

I'm expecting another smart ass remark, but to my surprise my inbox lights up with a new friend request. I guess the other guy doesn't play very often since I only got a request from Mr. Humanity's Dickhead. Why is it that I'm always drawn to the ass holes?

 **Jaegerbombs:** ttyl

I would be lying if I said I didn't get up from my computer with a smirk on my face. It's stupid of me to get so excited over something as simple as a friend request on some lame game, but who cares. It's not like I have much else to look forward to. Not to mention I have a couple days free so at least I'll have someone new to annoy and show off to.

Jean has everything set out on the kitchen table and my stomach is making noises that could be considered demonic. Regardless, I restrain myself from the food to give my boyfriend a proper welcome home. It's nothing fancy, just a hug and kiss like any normal couple. He always makes a point to mess up my hair- claiming the bedhead look suits me. I just shrug it off.

I take my seat at the table and immediately start throwing things onto my plate. I hear Jean stifle a laugh and I know it's because of how animistic I become when food is placed in front of me. I look up at him after shoving a wad of chicken into my mouth.

“Work okay?”

I don't see how his work can go badly if you ask me. He's a photographer now. He snaps shots for important events, but mainly for church gatherings. Don't ask me how he got the job or why he does it- since he's not even religious- but hell, if he makes good money then there's no reason for him to turn it down. He seems to enjoy doing it and he gets to travel too so that's a bonus. He takes a seat in front of me and- unlike me- calmly scoops some rice onto his plate.

“As boring as ever. At least it wasn't raining or I would have had to end someone.”

I smirk at him and resume eating for a few seconds before Jean starts up again.

“I have a job in Monroe County tomorrow so I'll be gone for a few days.”

I'm not surprised. I'm used to him leaving for awhile but he always makes it up to me when he gets back. He never manages to say he's leaving without looking upset. I'm sure he feels guilty for leaving me alone. And I'll admit it does suck having to go to bed without him next to me. Monroe County is about three hours away from here so it's not like he'll be able to come home at night.

“I'll make sure to mess up the apartment for you.”

My sassy remark earns me one of Jean's signature death glares where he makes his face look longer than it already is. I have to laugh every time one of his friends calls him 'horse face'. I would never dare call him that since my ass would be kicked out the apartment so fast I wouldn't know what hit me.

“You better not.”

It's an empty threat since he would never do anything about it. The only reason the place doesn't look like a tornado hit it is because of me. The damn place looked like a dump when I was first allowed to stay here. Plus, Jean can't cook anything besides Hamburger helper and the occasional batch of eggs. He's lucky he has his looks.

I'll need to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves tomorrow. Which will likely consist of cuddling on the couch and watching stupid movies- the kind where you can see the strings attached to the horribly rendered monsters. As long as I get to fall asleep in his arms, I really don't care.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm left alone in the apartment once again early in the morning. I wish I wasn't half dead so I could have said goodbye to Jean without sounding like a zombie. He'd passed out fairly early last night after our movie spree and I was forced to stay up and fiddle around with my DS to keep myself occupied. Well, it's not like anyone is forcing me to stay up, but my insomnia can be a bitch sometimes. Yet another thing to add to the list of why I'm screwed.

I got around two hours of sleep, but I still managed to get up in time to see Jean out the door. The usual hug and kiss and he was gone. The apartment seems so much colder when he's not around.

I sigh and head back into the bedroom to rummage through the closet. I pull on one of Jean's oversized sweaters and I don't even bother with pants- since I'm not going out anywhere.

I plop myself back onto the couch with my laptop on the coffee table. It's 7 in the morning and my brain usually doesn't start functioning until noon. I guess it wouldn't hurt to see if anyone is playing AoT. I return to the site only to find Humanity's Dickhead is already in a game. All of my other friends are offline- either that or they've disappeared from the game entirely. I have half a mind to get something to eat, but the message that pops up pushes that aside for me.

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Oi, brat.

As charming as ever I see. Why he decided to call me 'brat' of all things, I'll never understand.

 **Jaegerbombs:** oi to u too dickwad

Our relationship is starting on such a positive note. He sends me an invite shortly after and I accept it and join his room only to find we're the only two in it. Has he been playing alone this whole time? Wow, this guy must have nothing to do. At least I can occupy myself with something until I'm fully awake again.

I plug my mouse in and resume play like any other server. It seems odd that we're the only ones and now I feel obligated to start a conversation with him. It's a pain that playing and typing at the same time in this game is nearly impossible. But screw that. Time to put my awkward social skills to the test.

 **Jaegerbombs:** u play on here a lot?

Goddamn it why am I so awkward?

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Clearly not as much as you.

 **Jaegerbombs:** ill take that as a compliment

I don't think he meant it as one, but who cares.

 **Jaegerbombs:** U really that bored to be playin in a room alone?

 **HumanitysStrongest:** I prefer not to deal with scrubs this early in the morning.

 **Jaegerbombs:** looks like we have that in common. though im not sure why im talking to u then :P

 **HumanitysStrongest:** You're a little shit.

 **Jaegerbombs:** i try

 **HumanitysStrongest:** That wasn't a compliment.

 **Jaegerbombs:** when it comes to u i think thats the closest thing im gonna get :P

 **HumanitysStrongest:** That's probably true.

 **Jaegerbombs:** thats pretty sad. u should get that stick removed from ur ass

 **HumanitysStrongest:** I'm afraid it's way too far up there.

 **Jaegerbombs:** thanks for the visual

 **HumanitysStrongest:** And thanks for the distraction. Now I'm dead.

I can't say as though I'm sorry, since pissing this guy off seems to get a smirk out of me every single time. I came close to dying a few times while typing to him but it's not like I'm going to admit that.

 **Jaegerbombs:** too bad ur not very skilled

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Too bad this damn game doesn't have voice chat.

I can't tell if he was hinting at something or not, but hell, might as well follow through with that thought. I'm sure if we end up voice chatting it will be a bunch of insults anyways. It's been way too long since I've had any normal interactions with people outside of work.

 **Jaegerbombs:** u got skype?

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Who doesn't have Skype in this day and age?

 **Jaegerbombs:** old people maybe?

 **HumanitysStrongest:** Are you implying I'm an old geezer?

 **Jaegerbombs:** who knows. theres plenty of creeps out there

 **HumanitysStrongest:** I'm gonna ignore that.

 **Jaegerbombs:** just add me u old man :P (ErenJaeger)

 **HumanitysStrongest:** I'm 22 you little shit.

I see he's transitioned from 'brat' into 'little shit' and I'm not sure which one I hate more. I'll need to think of some annoying name for him. I sign onto Skype and find the request already waiting for me. I have to assume it's him since that's the only logical explanation for the name I've never seen before.

Levi Ackerman.

Well that's a name you don't see everyday. I accept it and hover my mouse over the call button. Damnit, Eren, grow some balls. You just asked the guy to add you and you're chickening out now?

Luckily the decision is made for me as a message pops up on my screen.

 _Levi Ackerman is calling.._.

At least one of us has no shame.

I hesitate for a second to make it seem like I wasn't just staring at my screen wondering if I should call him or not. To be honest I wasn't even expecting him to add me. Maybe I'm just desperate for human contact. Jean isn't here to keep me company so I'm reaching out to complete strangers.

I accept the call and feel my hands getting clammy. I'm starting to wonder if this was a bad idea or not. I have no idea who this person is. What do we even talk about? I wish I wasn't so stupid when it came to normal conversations.

“Brat, are you dead?”

I feel my stomach lurch when the foreign voice reaches my ears. Wow. Not really what I thought he would sound like. His voice is low and smooth. I'm starting to think he's not actually 22.

“Um... hi.”

At least I get an A for effort.

For now I have no interest in the damn game. I'm too busy wondering what I'm going to say to this guy.

“Well, I'm relieved to hear you're not a 50 year old man.” Everything he says is monotone, but it's nice to listen to. It's like one of those voices you put on audio books to relax.

“I'm still not too sure about you. Your the one with the Morgan Freeman voice.”

Okay maybe I was exaggerating. I can hear him snort on the other end of the call along with a second voice laughing in the background.

“Erwin, shut up!”

I'm assuming Erwin is the one power laughing over what I just said and I feel my face heat up within seconds.

“I'll add that to a list of things I've never heard anyone say about me.”

“Um.. who's Erwin?”

Maybe they're together? Or he's a sibling? It's safest just to ask before I jump to any stupid conclusions.

“He's my roommate. Just ignore him.”

It seems both my guesses were wrong. I want to ask a few more questions to fuel my curiosity, but I hold back. I only just met the guy so I'm not gonna go digging around.

“Are you getting back to the game or what?” Levi's voice snaps me into reality and I scramble back to the open tab. I've never had this many issues trying to hold a mouse before. All of my coordination seems to have gone out the window.

“How old are you anyway?” He sounds genuinely curious. I'm sure I sound a lot young than I actually am.

“I'm 18. So, no, I'm not a creepy old man or a prepubescent child.”

I hear him snort again along with him clicking his mouse vigorously and earning himself another kill. At least we got the awkward introductions out of the way. I find it amusing to try and match a face to the voice I'm hearing. I'm at a loss of what this guy could possibly look like.

“I'm safe to assume your name is Eren, right? A lot of people change their Skype names to random shit.”

I nod slowly only to realize he can't see me. Man, I'm really not good with the whole interaction thing. Fortunately for me, Levi doesn't seem to have many issues keeping up small talk. I'm perfectly fine with answering a bunch of questions as long as I don't have to think of any on the spot.

“Yeah, it's Eren. And I'm good to call you Levi?”

“Call me whatever you want. I'm still gonna call you, Brat.”

Even without seeing his face I can tell he's smirking like an idiot.

“Is that because I sassed you?” I have no one to blame but myself. My first sentence to him just _had_ to be sassy. I'm sure I can live with the weird nickname.

“Anyone younger than me is considered a brat.”

Interesting logic. Makes me wonder if Erwin is the same age as him.

My attention focuses back on the game and I don't mind that we fall into silence every once in awhile. Levi usually breaks it with a snide comment or an insult about how ugly the titans are. I swear this guy could write an encyclopedia on insults.

A whole hour passes before Levi groans and leaves the server. At first I thought I'd done something wrong or he was fed up of my lack of commentary. It isn't until I hear the second voice in the background that my question is answered.

“Levi, don't you have class in 10 minutes?”

“Don't remind me.”

Class? Well that brings up a whole new string of questions I want to ask. I open my mouth to speak but I'm cut off before I can get any words out.

“I gotta go, brat. Talk to you whenever I get back.”

I give him a non committal answer but that seems good enough for him. He hangs up and I'm left staring at the screen as if there's something interesting to look at. That call could have gone a lot worse. It was nice to talk to someone else besides Jean for a change.

Now I finally have the chance to eat and jump in the shower so I don't feel like a complete grease ball. My hair is sticking every which way and I don't want my smell clinging to my clothes. I get up from the couch just as I hear pop up noise of a message on Skype. I glance down and find it's from Levi.

 **Levi Ackerman:** (601) 528-7721. Add me. I might get bored in class.  


	4. Chapter 4

I ended up adding Levi's number shortly after he gave it to me. I owe Jean for buying me a new phone out of his own paycheck. I couldn't afford one and he said he wanted to keep in touch with me as much as possible. There was no way in hell I was going back to the house to get my old one. I haven't been back there since my father turned on me. I wish I could go back to see Mikasa again, but I'm afraid he'll be there.

I can't count how many times I've been kept awake thinking of the amount of hate I'd seen in my father's eyes that day. I never told my mother about my sexuality. But if I did, how would she have reacted? Now that I think about it, Mikasa doesn't even know. To her it must look like I ran away with no reason at all. At least I don't have to worry about my father hurting her. She's a perfect child and I envy her more than I should.

I'm now sitting cross-legged on the bed watching water droplets run off my hair onto the plush covers underneath me. I sent Levi a text not to long ago for confirmation, but it seems he's busy- listening to a lecture or something. Is it pathetic of me to be sitting here staring at my phone waiting for him? I'm like a clingy friend who refuses to let you have your own life.

I know I'm clingy and it sucks. I follow Jean around like a puppy and get upset whenever he so much as looks at me the wrong way. I would often fake sick on days he wanted to go out with his friends just so he would stay home with me. He's all I have and I'm afraid I'll lose him. Then where would I go? I don't like that though, but it plagues my head more times than I care to admit.

I drop my phone onto the bed and head into the bathroom- which still smells like lavender from my recent shower. Isn't that smell supposed to be calming or some shit? If it is, it's doing a terrible job.

I lock the door behind me as a measure of caution and drop to my knees to pull out a small box from under the sink. I open the box to find my strips of shining metal. They're my safety net, my method of distraction whenever my mind starts to wander.

I pull my sweater off over my head and drape it over the tub. Jean wouldn't be too impressed to find blood on his favourite sweater. The thought of Jean makes everything worse. I told him I stopped cutting. He found out the first night we slept together because I was too stupid to remember the marks were there. I promised him I would stop and he believed me. It's easier said than done. It's an addiction and I need it to feel better, just as smokers need their fix of nicotine.

Thin white lines litter my wrist, but the damage is higher up. I keep my wrists clean so I can roll my sleeves up a little bit just to let Jean believe I'm okay. Long sleeves are the norm for me so he doesn't question my wardrobe. As long as he never sees my arms or finds the blades then everything will work out.

I pull one of the blades from the box and let it glide across my forearm. There's a slight sting, but it makes a perfectly clean cut. It's entrancing to watch the blood rise to the surface of the wound. I bite my lip as I make a second line before tossing the razor on the floor. The droplets of blood are so bright compared to the dull colour of my skin. They slide down my arm and land on the white tile- which is always a bitch to clean up.

As gruesome as the scene looks, it's actually quite calming.

I watch the crimson fluid for a few more moments until I find it in myself to press a towel against the cuts. I hear a small sound from the bedroom and realize I'd left my phone on the bed. I keep the towel on my arm as I wash the blade and throw back in the box under the sink. It's pretty well hidden since it's the only thing down there. My own secret stash Jean doesn't know about. There isn't much to clean off the floor so it doesn't take me too long. I'm back on the bed after a couple minutes and find Levi has responded to my earlier message.

 **Levi:** Sorry, had to pay attention to some stupid lesson, but yeah this is the right number. What's up?

 **Eren:** i find it funny how ur so bored u need to talk to me

 **Levi:** I could always bug Erwin, but he's doing some important school shit.

 **Eren:** kinda like u?

 **Levi:** This class isn't important. Hence why I'm talking to you.

I can't help but be amused by all this. I barely know the guy yet he's made it painfully obvious that he likes talking to me- or bugging me. Either one. Does he not know anyone in the class? Or maybe someone else on his phone that he could text that isn't Erwin?

 **Eren:** then y are u even in that class if its not important?

 **Levi:** I don't pay thousands of dollars to sit in my dorm you know.

 **Eren:** ur paying 4 all of it?

 **Levi:** Unfortunately. And stop typing like a five year old.

I smirk once again at the fact I've managed to piss him off with my methods of texting. It was only a matter of time before he commented on my typing skills, since he types like he's writing a professional paper.

 **Eren:** they have text language for a reason ya know

 **Levi:** Yeah, because people are lazy shits.

 **Eren:** im not submitting my text to the damn president. so i dunt reelee caree

 **Levi:** Now you're just doing that on purpose.

 **Eren:** no idea wut ur talkin bout :P

 **Levi:** Brat.

 **Eren:** what class r u in anyways?

 **Levi:** Communications. Don't ask. I'd rather not bore both of us with it's contents.

 **Eren:** can i ask anyways?

 **Levi:** No.

 **Eren:** You're no fun :P

 **Levi:** So I've been told.

Somehow that doesn't surprise me. Levi doesn't seem like the kind of person anyone would be chomping at the bit to hang out with. Most people don't approve of that much sarcasm and sass. It seems as though we complement each other perfectly.

I'd nearly forgotten about the soaked towel on my skin, but luckily none of the blood has reached the sheets. I toss the towel into the laundry hamper-hiding it under a stack of shirt. I'm the only one who does the laundry so I don’t' have to worry about Jean coming across my bloody rags.

I head into the bathroom again to bandage up my arm and I've done it so many times I can wrapped them in record timing. Not something I should be proud of though.

I plop myself back on the bed on my stomach, dangling my feet over the edge. I make a quick text to Jean to tell him to call me after he's done work before returning to my pointless conversation with Levi.

 **Eren:** how much longer do u have?

 **Levi:** You're not very patient are you?

Not exactly. More like clingy as hell. I hope he's willing to get used to that.

 **Eren:** ive got nothin to do

 **Levi:** Go get wasted or something. I don't care.

 **Eren:** its not even noon...

 **Levi:** I like how you didn't even reject the idea.

 **Eren:** ur a dick

 **Levi:** I'm not sure why you insist on telling me things I already know.

 **Eren:** whatevs. im gonna take a nap. txt me whenever u get back

With that, I turn my phone off and snuggle closer to the covers.

Why Jean has to buy twenty pillows for one bed I'm not sure, but I guess the extra comfort isn't so bad. It just sucks how I can't enjoy it half the time. Maybe when I'm bored or can't sleep Levi will be able to chat. I hope so anyways, but then again he could be on the other side of the world just to fuck me up with timezones. It would be nice to have company when Jean isn't home.

I let out a soft sigh and let my eyes flutter shut despite the blinding sun outside. At least now I'll have something to look forward to when I wake up.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for the support on the story : 3 Quick note: I had to change Eren's age from 17 to 18 since he wouldn't be old enough to buy cigarettes if he was only 17. Just a minor change ^^

 

My plan for a short nap ended up taking longer than I expected. I'd passed out for a full three hours and didn't so much as budge when my phone went off. Only when I rolled over to grab it off the side table did I realize Levi had been spamming me for the past half hour. I don't know why I insist on having naps, since I always wake up disoriented and frothing with hate.

I flip my phone open and text Levi to get online- if he's still willing. Now I have to find the strength to pull myself out of the warm sheets and get to my laptop in the living room. The sun is still in my face so it prevents me from falling asleep again. I find the sweater I left in the bathroom and pull it over my head- and finally decide to throw on a pair of [short](http://www.polyvore.com/homeren/set?id=157826058)s. My laptop is still sitting where I left it and I slump down in front of it. I hope he's not expecting me to be a chatterbox right now.

I sign into Skype and find Levi has left me a slew load of messages- as if spamming my phone wasn't good enough. I'm not online for more than a minute before Levi calls me. Maybe I'm not the clinging one here, which I find funny. I answer the call and curl in even further on the couch, wrapping a blanket around my form.

“Took you long enough. Where you really sleeping that whole time?”

He doesn't sound annoyed or anything. He's just as monotone as before.

“Yeah... I kinda... lost track of time.”

Now I can guarantee I won't be sleeping at all tonight. That nap fucked my sleep schedule to hell- even though I didn't have one in the first place.

“Clearly.”

I hear him clicking in the background and there's a silence that falls between us. I still want to ask him so many things, but I'm too awkward to bring them up.

“You up for a game or no?”

I can barely think right now so I have no intentions of playing anything. Will that make the call awkward? I'm not much of a social butterfly on the best of days and Levi can only go so long with the small talk.

“N-Not really. I just wanted someone to talk to.”

His silence tells me everything. I think this is the first time I haven't snapped back at him with a rude or sassy remark. He never would have seen that answer coming. His clicking silences and I start to pick at the bandages on my arm.

“Talk about what exactly?”

“I didn't really.. have anything planned.”

Wow I'm stupid. I want to talk to someone yet I have no idea what to say. If I didn't know any better I would say Levi was laughing at me on the other end.

“C-Can I ask you something?”

“Whatever you want.”

“What exactly are you studying?”

Levi snorting eventually turns into a low chuckle which sounds weird coming from him, but it manages to bring a smile to my lips. I have no idea why he's laughing though.

“Jeez, brat, I thought you were about to ask some personal shit.”

I suppose I initiated the question a little weird. He's learning first hand how terrible my social skills are. How I scored a job in the first place I have no idea.

I feel heat flood to my cheeks and it's stupid how embarrassed I can get over the simplest things. He sounds revealed that I wasn't about to ask anything personal, so would he turn me down if I wanted to ask something touchy? It only makes sense he would since I'm practically a stranger to him.

“S-Sorry. I just... didn't know how else to bring it up.”

“Relax, it's not like I care if you ask me that sort of crap.”

Good. I'd feel pretty stupid if he didn't want to respond to anything I say. I pull the blanket closer around my shoulders and snuggle into the warm fabric. Everything around here smells like soap since I clean everything at least once day.

“I'm studying animation. I only have another month left though.”

I hear a slight creak on the other end and I'm going to assume he's leaned back in whatever chair he's situation himself in.

“So, you get to make movies n stuff?”

“Not yet. It's more of the basic shit; Layouts and whatnot.”

I make a small noise which I doubt he heard. My mouth is buried in the blanket muffling whatever comes out of it. It's so weird having a normal conversation with him. So far our relationship hasn't consisted of only insults.

“That sounds neat. My boyfriend used to paint layouts and was really good... but he just got too busy with work.”

When we both still worked at the convenience store he would doodle on scrap pieces of paper when he was bored. He seemed to enjoy drawing mountains and trees and every single one he drew turned out flawless. He never perused a career in it though and I'm not sure why, but I suppose he loves photography more.

“Boyfriend?”

I open my mouth but his question sends a rock to the pit of my stomach. I have a sudden urge to slam my laptop closed and run into the bathroom. Had I really just blurted out that I have a boyfriend? It feels like there's a lump caught in my throat and I'm at a loss of things to say. Is he mad? Disgusted maybe? I don't want him to be.

“I-I didn't...I'm sorry I...I should go.”

I sound like a stuttering idiot. I don't want to wait for his response. It'll sting when he tells me how gross I am. It was bad enough having my own father telling me that in the most brutal way. I don't want to think about that, but it's already in my mind. I can feel his eyes burning into my skin and the white hot pain of his fists colliding with my chest.

There's tears in my eyes now and I want to bolt to get my shining blades. The thought of one of them running across my skin feels really good right now. Instead, I settle with digging my nails into the marks I'd made several hours before. It stings when I feel them reopen but that's what I want.

“Eren, wait.”

My eyes shoot up to the screen as if I'm going to see something there other than the Skype window. It wasn't his voice that made me look up, it was the fact he said my name for the first time.

“I didn't mean for that to sound bad. I wasn't expecting it, that's all.”

Is that good or bad? I still don't know. I've punctured my arm hard enough for the blood to soak through the other side of my bandages and it's going to be a pain in the ass to dress them again. That's what I get for being careless.

“Don't worry about it, alright? I've had boyfriends before.”

Okay, what? That's a curve ball thrown from left field and I think it just clocked me in the face. Levi's gay?

Admitting that is just as shocking for each of us. That's not normally a topic of conversation and I might have never known had I not thrown it out there on accident. I'm left staring at the computer screen like an idiot as I remove my nails from my arm. I'm still silent and I bet Levi is starting to think I left.

“Y-You have?”

“I have. I'm single now though.”

“S-So, you're not with Erwin?”

The sound Levi makes could be comparable to a dog choking on water. How he made that noise without drinking anything is beyond me. Hopefully I haven't said anything to piss him off.

“Well, you wouldn’t be the first to think that. Him and I are just friends. I've known him for years and he's as straight as a runway.”

I feel like an idiot for assuming that.

Levi told me before that Erwin was only his roommate, but in those few moments they talked, I felt as though they were closer than that. Them being good friends for years would explain it. I guess I knew because I used to be like that around Armin. He used to be my best friend and now I haven't seen him since before I dropped out of school.

“Sorry...”

“Don't worry about it. We cool?”

I nod pointlessly and make a a small noise to confirm that everything can go back to normal. Did he know I was upset? I hope not. I'll feel pathetic if he knows something that small can make me so anxious. Luckily, I haven't had to tell a lot of people that I'm dating a guy. Besides Jean, I don't know many people. Jean's friends accept me, but I don't see them very often.

There's a small silence that passes between us until a sound of a door closing cuts through on Levi's end. I'm left staring at my arm cursing myself for being so weak and having to claw at myself to feel better. I keep myself quiet to hear Levi talking to who I'm assuming is Erwin.

If I had stayed in school, would Armin and I be rooming together in the same college? No, Armin was too smart for college. He's no doubt in some crazy prestigious university like Harvard. I remember he tried to tutor me in English back when I actually gave a shit about my life. I imagine he's in the top of his class right now.

I jump a little when my phone goes off, blaring my profanity filled ring tone. I scramble onto my side to pull it out of my shorts and I hear Levi's amused laugh which would be caused by the stupid song I chose. I glance at the screen even though I already know who's calling me. Besides Jean, Marco, Sasha and Levi, I have no other contacts. Marco and Sasha are Jean's friends and also the only ones I've talked to.

“I gotta go...” I feel guilty for leaving so suddenly, but I don't want to keep Levi waiting with however long this call is going to take.

“No problem, brat. I'll still be here.”

I feel a smile pull at the corners of my mouth when I reach over to end the call on the computer. For some reason the nickname 'brat' doesn't bother me anymore. It's a pretty stupid pet name if you ask me, but I don't mind it.

I leave my laptop on the coffee table and head into the bedroom before taking the call from Jean. His warm voice reaches my ear and I want him back home as soon as possible. He only has one day left in Monroe and he'll be back tomorrow night. I'll have to occupy myself with something until then.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. I promise the next ones will be longer!

My call with Jean lasted for more than three hours. I didn't talk too much. Those conversations are usually one sided with him explaining what kind of job he's doing and what annoying people he gets to deal with. He asks me how I'm doing and for the most part I lie, but I let him know I miss him and that I'm keeping the apartment in top shape. He doesn't need to know about my issues since it will only make him worry. I told him about Levi and how weird it is to interact with someone who isn't a customer. He seemed happy for me since he knows I don't talk to anyone. He tries to invite me out with his friends on weekends, but for the most part I turn it down. Going out to parties only gets me more anxious.

I've never had the best of luck with group gatherings. I usually sit alone with a cup of whatever the hell they're serving and watch others have a good time. It's as upsetting as it sounds. I used to think going to parties would make me more popular and I can't tell you how wrong I was. I attended my first party when I was fourteen. Some ass holes decided to drug me and I ended up being used for hours while I could do nothing but lay there and let them. That was the end of that.

I let our goodbyes drag out for as long as possible before I hear him hang up. I wish he could keep talking until I fall asleep to the sound of his voice, but I know he's far too busy for that.

I pull myself off the bed to redress my arm and bury the bloody bandages as far in the trash as I can manage. The bathroom looks the same as it always has so nothing looks too suspicious. I spend the rest of my night scrubbing and cleaning the kitchen until every surface shines and my muscles are sore. Cleaning helps get my mind off things and it's satisfying to see the end result of all the hard work. You could say it's a stress reliever of sorts.

I'm not hungry enough to eat supper so I skip over that in favour of tidying up the living room. I'd left my laptop on along with Skype, but it seems as though Levi has gone offline. I don't blame him for not wanting to stick around for several hours waiting for me. I hate the way my body deflates since I was hoping I could talk to him a little more before I turn in for the night. That's what you get for being in college I guess.

I settle with playing more AoT with a bunch of newcomers who think I'm a god at the damn game only because of how much they suck. I don't mind showing off a little but the endless slew of comments gets a little annoying at times. If I end up dying I feel like I've let them down.

My eyes stay glued to the screen for well over two hours and Levi still hasn't come online so I decide the turn in for the night. I want to text him just to see, but I don't want to be that guy and wake him up. Tomorrow is Friday so I'm sure there will be some time for us to talk again. I don't want to seem desperate or clingy- even though I am.

I'm not tired in the slightest, but I still end up situating myself on the bed with my laptop watching gory movies. It's either that or a cheesy romance. I don't feel like watching those tonight since Jean isn't with me and they make me miss him even more.

I'm up till the wee hours watching every single _Saw_ movie in order and getting mind fucked by how gross they are. The bedroom is no longer dark and the sun is peaking up over the buildings once again. I finally decide to sleep- if my body will let me- and I curl into the covers like a toddler.

Unfortunately, after getting a full hour of sleep, nothing happens throughout the entirety of Friday. I get bored as hell scrolling through youtube and tumblr waiting for Levi to come online. He never does. I start to doodle in one of Jean's old sketchbooks but that gets boring pretty fast. I text him a couple times only to get no response no matter how long I wait. I hate myself for how mad I get every time I see his name with the offline bubble still beside it. His life doesn't revolve around me as much as I wish it did.

I'm left pissy and upset right until Jean gets home at 10pm. I hadn't realized how long I'd been sitting on the couch pointlessly staring at the wall. I instantly feel better the moment he steps through the door and throws his suitcase on the ground. It doesn't take me long to spring from the couch and run into his arms like a scene pulled from a sappy movie. He doesn't hesitate to kiss me so deeply that I nearly melt.

I know he's exhausted so I don't stop him from turning in for the night. His soft snoring starts moments after his head hits the pillow. I decide to unpack his suitcase for him and arrange everything back in it's normal place. I should consider sleeping as well, but I'm not even close to being tired. Besides, I've managed to survive 8 hour days of work on an hour of sleep. I can do it again if I'm desperate.

I don't go to bed until 5am when the sun is starting to rise yet again. My shift starts at 8 so I can get a couple hours in before I have to leave. Jean is out cold so I'm safe to assume he doesn't have to work today- lucky bastard. I crawl into bed beside him where he doesn't so much as stir. Now all I have to do is lay here until my body finally gives in.

 


	7. Chapter 7

I don't get nearly as much sleep as I would have liked. I managed to get up for work with Jean still dead asleep beside me. I'm not in the best of moods and that will only get worse as time goes by. I grab a shower and let the water burn my skin until it's red and blotchy which feel pretty good to be honest. I throw on my ugly ass uniform and head to work after grabbing a mug of coffee to help keep me going.

Fridays tend to be busy so I wasn't afraid of being bored to death for the whole day. I was working a shift with Connie, who's another one of Jean's friends and I don't find him too bad. He makes terrible jokes an thinks he's the funniest thing alive despite the fact you can hear crickets in the room when ever he finishes talking.

I laugh every once in awhile just to amuse him but I'm not feeling like doing that today. He settles with talking about him and Sasha instead. They've been dating for three years now and he's already talking about getting married to her. I'll admit they make a cute couple and I've never seen Connie love another person so much. I'm glad to know there's still people out there like him.

Work ends at 4 and by that point I'm about ready to stab a bitch. I don't know how Connie manages to keep a smile on his face throughout the whole day but I'm envious of him. I had some old man get mad at me for scanning something in twice and having him pay for it when it was an honest mistake. I felt like crying until Connie came over and handled it for me.

I got back to the apartment and Jean was laying on the couch with a book propped up on his stomach. I barely looked at him as I slammed the door shut and threw my bag on the floor with a loud thump. He knows I get pissy over work- or the slightest things- so he doesn't make a big deal about it. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me when I'm like this. I'm running on fumes as it is.

I head for the bedroom and slam that door shut as well. I pull on a pair of short and fish my phone out of my pocket to slump onto the bed in a heap of rage. It seems Levi hasn't bothered responding to me yet and that makes my mood even worse. I hear Jean knock lightly on the door and I just want to be left alone.

“Go away.”

He doesn’t listen. The door creaks open after a moment and I'm close to throwing my phone at him.

“I'm heading to Krista's for the night, thought you might wanna come.”

I meet his eyes for a quick seconds before returning them back to the phone that I'm nearly crushing in my hand.

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yes I'm sure. I never wanna go to those stupid things.”

Parties of course. Anything involving Jean's friends means some kind of gathering with lots of weed and alcohol. Getting together with a group of people to drink yourself stupid isn't my idea of fun. I don't mind seeing Jean's friends every now and then, but I wish they did something other that party.

“Just thought it would be nice for you to get out of the apartment every once in awhile.”

“You were gone for two days, why aren't you staying home?”

“You know I haven't seen Krista in months. I'll be back later tonight if you want.”

Sure. I guess his friends are more important that me. I'm glad he wants to leave me alone in the apartment when I'm in such a foul mood.

“Whatever. Just leave me the fuck alone.”

I don't bother looking up from my phone as I start to type yet another message to Levi. The door closes again and I enjoy the silence that envelops the room. I can hear Jean doing something in the kitchen but that's about it. I'm too pissed off to care.

**Eren:** thanks for replying to me

Plain and simple. I hope he realizes that text is dripping with sarcasm.

My phone goes off after a couple minutes and guess who it is.

**Levi:** Sorry, brat. I was out with Erwin last night. I'm out of class now. What's up?

Figures. Everyone else but me has a life. Everyone else has friends and something to look forward to while I sit here and wallow in my misery.

**Eren:** and u couldnt send one message to let me know you wouldnt be on?

**Levi:** Didn't realize you were waiting up for me.

**Eren:** i wasn't. just would have been nice to know

**Levi:** Don't you have any other friends?

**Eren:** piss off

**Levi:** I'll take that as a no.

**Eren:** fuck u

**Levi:** Any particular reason you're being a tool right now?

**Eren:** none of ur business

**Levi:** Then get a life and harass someone else.

I don't think he realizes his comments aren't helping my mood at all. I'm sure I shouldn't be acting like a complete dick to him, but my brain can't seem to fabricate any other kind of sentence. I'm too tired and frustrated about everything to start caring.

I shouldn’t be taking my anger out on Levi of all people. Sure he can be a jerk sometimes, but he's not the reason I'm upset. I have several reasons to hate the world, but he isn't one of them. I hate my father for what he did, I hate my job, the marks on my arm, the drug habits, the lack of contact with Jean, the lack of sleep...

Everything seems to be piling up. I can't help it if I'm clinging to Levi for some kind of release. I shouldn’t rely on him to solve any of my problems. He's too busy with school to give a shit about me.

I hear the front door of the apartment slam shut and I know Jean has left in a fit because of the way I acted. Even if I wasn't in a terrible mood, I wouldn't have gone with him to the party. Now the place is dead silent again and I doubt Jean will be coming back at night like he claimed. Now I feel even more alone.

I turn back to my phone to stare aimlessly at the screen wishing I could take back all the unnecessary profanity I just spewed at the guy who didn't deserve it.

**Eren:** im sorry

**Levi:** I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not.

**Eren:** ive had a rough day. sorry for taking it out on u

**Levi:** Apology accepted. What made it so shitty?

Well that was fast. I seems Levi isn't the kind of person to hold grudges. Either that or he's understanding that everyone can have terrible days.

**Eren:** work was complete hell...and my boyfriend left me alone in the apartment again

**Levi:** Understandable then. You free to go on Skype? Maybe I can help distract you.

That didn't seem like a bad idea. I'm not sure what he has in mind for the distraction, but right now I wouldn't mind playing a few rounds on the dorky ass game. Even having someone to talk to right now would be a good way to get my mind off the little fit I pulled.

**Eren:** i might not talk very much

**Levi:** You can stand on your head and shit nickles for all I care.

**Eren:** i wish that were possible :P

**Levi:** You and me both. Then I might not be so poor.

**Eren:** i can be on skype in a few minutes ok?

**Levi:** I'm already on. So, chop chop.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter : 3  
> Thank you to everyone for the comments and kudos <3 hugs for all!

I send Levi a quick reply and emerge from the bedroom to set up my laptop in the usual place. I'm not sure if we'll be playing anything but I have my mouse beside me just in case.

The couch is still warm when I plop myself down in my usual spot and Jean's scent is everywhere. I can't help but curl into the blanket he'd been sitting on. He left his book on the table which turns out to be yet another Stephen King novel. I've never been one for reading anything besides short stories, but I hear he isn't too bad. Jean has always enjoyed the messed up stuff anyways.

Levi ends up calling me after I get myself situated and I hope he isn't mad at me for snapping at him like a whiny little bitch. I accept his call and tuck my feet under the blanket as I hear the sound of him shuffling around on the other side.

“I swear to god if you break that I'll shove a knife up your ass!”

I snort a little and hide my mouth in my hand to stifle the laugh that's sure to escape. I try to keep myself as quiet as possible, but I fail miserably.

“Shit...um...hi, Eren.”

“I guess I'm not the only one having a rough day.” The smirk is painfully evident in my voice and I don't try to hide it. I don't think Levi was expecting me to answer as fast as I did.

“Erwin just stole my light table to do god knows what. He's a dead man if he breaks it.”

“Well thanks for the visual of you shoving a knife in his ass.”

“You're welcome.”

I snuggle in closer to the blanket and I find myself grinning from ear to ear. Levi tends to have this weird affect on me when it comes to making me feel better.

“Sorry for being a dick to you earlier. I just need to vent my anger sometimes.”

“I said don't worry about it. I'll be here if you need to rage about something, I really don't mind.”

Well that's a relief to hear. All of my other friends got sick and tired of listening to me and now they're all gone. I've learned not to bring up any personal issues around Jean's friends or they won't be staying very long either.

“Thanks I guess.”

“No problem.”

I fall silent for a moment and instead of hearing clicking on his end there's a gentle sound of pencil scratching on paper. It's calming to listen to. Don't ask me how that works.

“I-I can go if you're too busy.”

“Brat, it was my idea to call you. I wouldn't have suggested it if I was too busy.”

“But it sounds like your working.” Writing an essay maybe? I have no idea what they do in post secondary school and I'll never find out. I'll be stuck working lame convenience store jobs for the rest of my life. No college will want to look at a student who didn't complete high school.

“It's just a stupid character I have to design. I'm almost done anyways.”

I wish I could see what he's doing right now, but I think better of it. I know most people don't want others to see their work for fear of being criticized. I know Jean hated it when I used to watch over his shoulder while he painted- he said it made him feel nervous.

“Could I see it when you're done?”

“Suit yourself.”

I'm curious to comprehend how his mind works. Every artist has their own style and I want to see his view. I'm glad he's so willing to show me. He really does have no shame

“What school do you go to anyways?”

“Mississippi College. It's not much, but it was the only place close to me that had the program I wanted.”

Are you kidding me? Did someone shit in my ears and I just didn't hear him right?

“Y-You live in Mississippi?”

“Yeah... I thought that was implied.”

Apparently there's no shit in my ears after all. I'm left stunned staring at the screen trying to process what the hell I just heard. I dig my phone out of my pocket and scroll down to Levi's number. How the hell did I not know sooner? Our damn area codes are the same. Not only that, but the college Levi claims to be going to is barely a twenty minute drive away.

“Um...I live really close to you.”

“Are you shitting me?”

“N-No. Do you know where Capital Street is?”

“You live in Jackson?”

What are the odds? Weird shit like this never happens to me. I figured Levi was on the other side of the world somewhere but it turns out he's closer then I ever would have guessed. This is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time.

“Well shit, Jaeger, I'll have to see your dorky face sometime.”

Is he serious? Never mind the fact he just called me by my last name; does he really want to see me at some point? I'm getting stupidly excited about that. It feels nice to have someone who actually _wants_ to see you. So does this mean Levi and I are friends?

“W-What makes you think I look dorky?” I'm blushing from ear to ear just imagining the smug look on his face.

“I'm teasing, Brat. But I guess you'll just have to prove me wrong.”

I hear him scribbling a bit more on his end and I'm too busy feeling my heart pounding in my chest to remember what he's working on. It's an odd feeling when you find out someone actually cares. I haven't known Levi for too long, but I feel as though we could stay friends for awhile if he's willing to put up with my bullshit. I can't remember what it's like to have a close friend.

“I can do that right now if you want.”

I have no idea where that sudden burst of courage came from, but I don't regret it coming out of my mouth. His quiet scribbling falls silent for a moment and it seems he's as shocked at my outburst as I am.

“How the hell are you gonna do that? Do you even have a car?”

“I meant face cam you idiot.”

I can't help but chuckle quietly. Did Levi honestly think I would head out to the college right now? Not that I would mind, but it would be a little sudden and completely out of character. I wouldn't need a car anyways. The transit takes me anywhere I want to go which is how I get to work.

“Be more specific next time.”

“I'll be sure to spell it out for you.”

“Don't be a smart ass.”

I shift a little one the couch and pull the computer onto my lap like an excited school girl. I'm going to ignore the fact I'm still in half my [uniform](http://www.polyvore.com/erenskyp/set?id=157827065) from work. He won't be able to tell if I don't bring it up. I'm sure it'll end up looking like an average black long sleeve.

“You good now, or do you need to get yourself all dolled up?”

“If I did that, then I might set your standards too high.”

I can physically hear him rolling his eyes and I've managed to annoy him once again. I better not push my luck or this call won't be lasting very long.

My hand is a little shaky when I click the video button and I can't believe I'm doing this. Now I can finally have a face to match the weirdly smooth voice. I watch the light flick on for my webcam along with a small image in the bottom of the screen to show my end of the video. I suddenly feel self conscious but it's too late to back out now.

I watch as his area of the screen changes from his weird ass profile picture to a shifty video of what looks like a bedroom. I'm purposefully covering most of my face with the blanket to hide how nervous I am and how much I'm blushing from embarrassment. The video finally clears to a better quality and I was right when I said it looked like a bedroom- well, more like a dorm room.

A form comes into view and slumps back against the chair. I can feel my lips stretching into a pathetically excited smile when I finally see who I've been talking to for the past week. I have to admit he looks nothing like I imagined.

“That blanket's there on purpose isn't it?”

I nod slowly but don't take my eyes off the new face. I don't care if he thinks I'm staring like a creep. I'm studying his features and taking in every last detail. I watch him roll his eyes and even that I find amusing to watch when I can actually see it.

He has an odd look but I'm not disproving in any way shape or form- on the contrary, he's actually quite attractive. Dark hair, pale skin and the darkest shade of blue I've ever seen for his lidded eyes. I'm not sure if it's the lighting or not, but it looks like he hasn't slept in days. There's dark circles around his eyes that may end up being makeup, but I'm not about to ask. The black button up [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/rivskyp/set?id=157783003) he's wearing only compliments the dark shade of his undercut.

“Say something, brat. You're freaking me out.”

“I-I...um...hi?”

If social skills were ever a class in school I would fail that no problem. I feel my face heat up when I realize how stupid that must have sounded. Too late now.

Levi leans in a little and I feel like he's studying my face a little too closely for my liking. I raise the blanket a little more to cover up to my nose, but that doesn't deter him at all. Now that he's closer I can see he has a few piercings- one on his eyebrow, three on his right ear and three on his left.

“Are you wearing contacts?”

My eyes widen a little but I can see the reasoning behind his question. My eye colour looks pretty fake. My mother used to go on about how they were the same colour as my birthstone. I hated them for the longest time because of how much unnecessary attention they drew. After all, Aquamarine is a pretty weird colour for eyes. I got used to the stares after awhile.

“N-No... that's my real colour.”

He looked stunned for a moment but returned back to leaning in his chair after being satisfied with my answer. I'm not sure he believes me.

“Not bad.”

I smile a little under the blanket but still can't find the strength to pull it away from my face. I wish I could be as shameless as Levi. He doesn't seem the least bit concerned about me being able to judge him.

Another form in the background catches my attention. It's a larger man standing against the far door leaning on the frame which Levi notices almost instantly. I'm going to assume that's Erwin. He doesn't look too much older than Levi, but damn that guy is tall. I now have a face to match his voice as well. Just the face I would expect for such a deep voice.

“I'm heading out to get groceries. You want anything?”

I don't think he's noticed me in the small square on Levi's computer and I'm glad for that. It's awkward enough trying to show my face to Levi let alone having another stranger staring at me.

“I'm out of black tea. Get as much as you can carry.”

“Why am I not surprised.”

“Shut it.”

Levi turns back to me as Erwin turns around to unlatch the door. Their place looks like any other college dorm. Couple beds, desks and closet. Must be a pain in the ass to have to share a room with someone you barely know. Luck for Levi that he's known Erwin for a long time.

“Eyebrows!”

“What?”

“Don't get the cheap shit again or I'll end you.”

I find it funny how Levi has to pay thousands for school yet he still finds the money to buy expensive tea. Personally, I've never liked the stuff. It's glorified water with a weird hint of flavour and I can never understand how some people drink gallons of it- I suppose Levi is one of those people.

“Did you just call him, Eyebrows?”

“How can you miss those things? I swear to god they're gonna start colonizing other faces.” His attention returns to me with a smirk on his face and I'm not sure if he's smirking at me or the lame comment he just made.

“Not gonna lie, I like your face better without the blanket.”

Shit. I hadn't realized I lowered it at all. I need to stop getting so distracted. Might as well scrap the thing now that Levi has seen everything. I wish I could use it to hide my blushing though. I throw it onto the back of the couch and shove my hands into my lap. I can feel Levi's eyes on me and I can't tell if that's a good thing or not.

“You look like you're about to take a shit.”

Well that was a lovely analogy, thank you.

“I-I'm just nervous.” It's another one of those moments where I have no idea what to say. Levi is the one that started the small talk and I'm at a loss here.

“I can see that. Relax, I'm not gonna bite your head off.” he leans back and brings his foot up onto the chair and I now see he's wearing jet black skinny jeans. I'm starting to think black makes up the entirety of his wardrobe.

“Thanks?”

He snorts at my response. Typical.

“You don't look at all what I was expecting.”

“Could say the same about you. You don't look as dorky as I was envisioning.”

“So I guess I proved you wrong then.”

“True.”

I'm relieved I don't look like a dork. I do have dorky glasses I put on every once in awhile to stop headaches but that's about it. I can also get pretty geeky when I want and I'm sure he'll find out about that eventually.

“So when do I get to see your blushing face in person?”

Wait, what? We're jumping to that already?

“I-I didn't really...”

“You free this Saturday?”

Tomorrow? Holly crap this guy moves fast.

I'm flattered that he wants to see me that badly, but anxious as the same time.

“Is this some kind of weird date?”

“You have a boyfriend dipshit. This is us finally meeting as friends.”

Friends? I can't even tell you how much my heart lights up from him saying that word. After Armin walked out of my life I never had another best friend. I know Jean's friends only tolerate me because we're together. Levi is someone who wants to know _me_ just because I'm _me_.

“Y-yeah I'm free tomorrow. You better not stand me up though.” Thank god I have Saturday off or I would be cursing my job for the next thirty years.

“You know how to get to the college, right? I would offer to pick you up, but Erwin is taking the damn car.”

“Yeah, the bus has a drop off right around there. You better be waiting out in the open so I can find you.” I'm not about to go searching through a sea of people only to get lost in the massive school.

“That's why you have a phone.”

“Time?”

“Afternoon preferably. I'm not a morning person.”

“I'll text you when I'm about to leave, sound okay?”

“It's a date then.”

I don't care that I'm smiling like a moron. I haven't been outside the apartment for a long time- besides for work. I finally get to have some kind of social life. Now I'll need to track down a decent outfit so I don't look like a bum.

 


	9. Chapter 9

I didn't get any sleep. Does that surprise me? Not really. I stayed up all night doing laundry and picking out my clothing for my little date-thingy with Levi. I don't know what else to call it. Is there such thing as a friend date? If not, that needs to become a thing.

I managed to settle on a simple sweater and leggings- along with some accessories to deck it out. How I managed to spend over four hours picking out an outfit I'll never know.

Jean never came back like I expected. He's probably plastered and playing drinking games while button smashing an Xbox. At least Jean isn't a mean drunk; he gets giggly and clingy like a kitten. We used to get drunk at the apartment and attempt to play mariokart, where neither of us could stay on the damn road.

I took a shower around 5 in the morning and drained every last drop of hot water until it felt like ice cubes were raining down on me. I threw on an old pare of pyjama pants and Jean's sweater and headed out onto the balcony for a quick drag. I don't want smoke to cling to my clothing for when I go to see Levi. It's not a very appealing smell.

Most of the city is still asleep but that will change in a couple hours. I watch the smoke swirl out of my mouth and disappear in front of me. It's mesmerizing. And even more so when I haven't slept for nearly a day.

The sun has managed to peak over the tallest buildings when I finish my smoking session. The world continues on while I sit here making no difference in it. I sigh and flick the rest of my cigarette over the edge of the railing and head back inside. Winter has come to an end but that doesn't make the snow disappear from the ground. At least it's a little warmer now.

I curl up into bed and catch a few hours sleep before I hear Jean entering the apartment. I have half a mind to go say hi, but I don't budge. He finds me within seconds, but doesn't say anything. I would be concerned if it weren't for the fact he's crawling into bed with me and snuggling into my hair. He can be such a sap sometimes.

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against his chest. He's warm as hell and the blankets are no longer necessary. He places a few kisses along my neck and he earns himself a shiver with the contact. I roll over to face him and he looks about ready to pass out.

“Sorry I left you here.” his voice is heavy with sleep but I understand him none the less.

“It's fine...” I'm still a little pissed off about that. “I'm going out today...to see a friend.”

The amount of shock on Jean's face is painfully evident. Me with a friend sounds completely absurd. Me going out in general sounds even crazier.

“I'll be back later tonight.”

I barely finish my sentence before Jean is all over me. He tilts my face towards him and claims my lips. He tastes like alcohol. His hands start to caress my hips before he attempts to pull down my pyjama pants. I pull away from him and shift off the bed. I'm not here to be his release when he's drunk as hell.

“I'm not in the mood.” Simple as that.

I've gotten my couple hours sleep so Jean can lay there alone. I know I can be a dick sometimes. He's already passed out by the time I reach the bedroom door so I don't feel bad at all.

I spend the rest of my time cleaning until 1 o'clock rolls around. Levi did say afternoon, and I'm tired of pacing the apartment trying to think of things to do. I get dressed in my chosen [outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/dateeren/set?id=157740356) and send Levi a quick text before leaving. I grab my bag and head out. I'm not sure what this little date-thingy will consist of, but I brought what little money I have just in case.

I get on the next bus for the short twenty minute ride to the college. I don't mind the bus at all. It's a nice place to people watch. I always wonder where everyone is going or what kind of lives they have. I often get caught staring but I don't mind. Most people are too preoccupied with their phones to notice.

I finally get to the college and wander off the bus looking as lost as I feel. The campus is huge and all the buildings look the same. At least I know Levi lives in the residence so that's a good place to start. If I can find it that is.

I hoist my backpack over my shoulder and pull out my phone to send Levi yet another text. I'm nervous as hell but I'm doing a good job at hiding it. It's still hard to believe I'm here. It's been so long since I've gone anywhere and this place is completely new to me.

**Eren:** I'm here. Where the hell do I go?

**Levi:** That was fast. I'm heading to you so don't move too far.

I hate waiting. Not only do I have to stand alone like an idiot, but it gives me time to worry about every that could go wrong. I run my fingers through my bangs to mess them up a little and I'm worried I overdid it with my clothes. Do I smell okay? How do I greet him?

I fumble nervously with my phone and do what any normal person would do- pretend to text a none existent person. No one has to know I don't have any other friends. I nearly drop the damn thing when I feel a jab to my ribs.

“What the hell did- Levi?” He gives me one of those smirks and I feel like a giddy little school girl again.

I'll only say one thing.

Holy shit this guy is small.

I'm not going to say it out loud since it seems likely he would hear that a lot. He's supposed to be 22 right? Then why the hell is so short? I swear to god I'm taller than him by at least a couple inches. I wouldn't say I'm particularly tall for my age. I myself stand 5 foot 6, so I would put him at 5 foot 3.

“You ready to go?”

I'm at a loss of words for a moment as I scan him once again. His hair and unamused facial expression look the exact same as yesterday. He has the piercings and black [ensemble](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=157742647) yet again. Now I can confirm that the black circles under his eyes aren't from any kind of make up- he must never sleep like me and it shows.

“Go? Go where?”

“I haven't eaten yet today. I'm dying.”

I could say the same.

I'm not what you'd call large, but I can eat like a pig. I'm not sure if Levi's the same, but the fact he's a near bone rack only emphasized how small he really is.

“You pick, I'll pay. Sound like a deal?”

“B-But you have school to pay for. I don't wan-”

“It was my idea, Jaeger. I'm paying.”

I want to be a stubborn ass and fight him on it, but something tells me he's not going to back down. I feel guilty for letting him pay for me since I'm the one with a job and no extra expenses. He's probably thousands in debt by now.

He tugs lightly on my sleeve and I follow him. There's the usual small talk and I blush like mad when he compliments how good I look in my (way too thought out) outfit. I want to say the same to him, but my mouth is too dry.

I end up choosing to eat at Dairy Queen which earns me a confused look from Levi and him commenting that winter has barely ended. Ice cream is good to eat any time of year and I don't care what anyone else says. Lucky for me, Levi gives in and we make the short fifteen minute walk to the Dairy Queen behind the college. We get our food and I claim one of the booths by the window which are always my favourite spots. I'm like a small child.

“I think we should make this a regular thing.” I smirk into my blizzard before taking a massive bite which only makes Levi cringe. I love annoying him way too much.

“Make what a regular thing?”

“You buying me ice cream.”

“Don't push it, brat.” he snorts and takes a seat across from me before indulging in his overpriced burger and fries. He's a buzz kill and goes for the normal food.

“So you don't have any work to do?” I'm sure being in college he's up to his ass in work. Why he chose to be out with me I still have no clue.

“Nothing I can't finish withing a few hours.” he takes a bite of his loaded burger and I'll admit it looked really satisfying. I'm now regretting not buying one.

“I'm sure you have enough of your own work to worry about. I remember high school being a bitch.”

I glance down nervously at my ice cream and twirl the spoon along the cup, scraping it along the edges to avoid Levi's eyes.

“I dropped out.”

Now there's an uncomfortable silence I wish I could fill.

“Can I ask why?”

“I...I wasn't doing so great. My mother died before I started high school and I didn't feel the need to continue.”

“I'm sorry to hear that. I don't blame you though. School's hard enough without piling on a bunch of extra crap.”

I glance up to watch him vigorously wipe his hands on a napkin. I was expecting him to start pitying me like everyone else does, but he doesn't. It actually makes me feel a lot better when people don't start feeling sorry for me.

“What about your parents? Why aren't they helping you pay for college?”

“Don't know, don't care.”

Oh. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.

“My mother died when I was only a kid and my father just up and left shortly after I started high school. I got the hell out of that house as soon as I turned 18 and never looked back. I don't know where he is now and I couldn't care less.”

That's something Levi and I have in common- we both hate our father.

This conversation has taken an unnecessarily dark turn. I don't think a public area is the best place to start rambling about our personal lives. I decide to interrupt the topic by shoving a spoonful of ice cream in Levi's face.

“Try some?”

“I'm not letting you spoon feed me.”

That doesn't surprise me. Such a buzz kill.

He takes the spoon from my hand and lets it slide over his tongue until it's completely clean. He seems confused about the taste like he just ate something sour even though it's sugary as hell. He hands it back to me with a disapproving look.

“Tastes like birthday parties.”

“And what exactly do birthday parties taste like?”

“Barf and brats.”

I nearly choke on the next spoonful I put in my mouth. Levi sure has a way with words, and one hell of a way of describing things. I'm not even going to ask how he knows what those two things taste like. I think he just has a hate on for ice cream.

We finish our food and head back outside and Levi gives me a brief tour of the campus. I can't remember half the things he says because I'm too entranced by the dozens of brick buildings and hundreds of people scattered along the street. I haven't bothered looking into any post secondary education. I doubt I'd get into any college if I applied and university is out of the question, but it would have been nice to go to one.

It's nice to listen to Levi ramble on. I enjoy throwing in a few comments every now and then just to see which of his buttons I can push. I try not to interrupt him too much. I'm learning more about him now than I have for the past week.

Apparently he's lived with Erwin ever since he left his own house. He gets out of college in another couple weeks and they're getting an apartment together a few blocks away. I've learned about his nit picking on cleanliness, his weird obsession with black tea and quite a bit on Erwin. He likes to complain about his teachers and the odd balls in his classes and I'm just sitting here soaking it all up.

He asks about me every so often, but I don't tell him much. I don't want to start spewing my crap shoot of a life and have him know about all my issues. I don't think he'll stay too long if he learns about all that. He only knows I live with Jean and I'm working with no intentions of going to school. It's a pretty boring cycle when you think about it.

We get back to the bus stop where quite a few people are waiting and I pull out my phone to check the time. My bus should be showing up withing the next five minutes so I'm grateful for the good timing. I step away from the crowd to pull out my pack of cigarettes. I haven't had one all day so I'm a little deprived. Levi follows and raises an eyebrow when I dangle a stick from my mouth.

“I never realized you smoked.”

“I try not to...but it's hard. It helps get my mind off things.”

“I know the feeling.” He hums lightly and plucks one of the cigarettes from the box in my hands and puts it between ups lips. I watch him reach into his coat pocket to pull out a lighter and he lights up the end.

“I guess you know the feeling a little too well.”

He nods and takes a long drag from the stick before letting the swirls of smoke dance in front of him. He offers me a light and I nod, letting him light mine up as well.

“I've been cutting back recently, since Erwin is anal about the smell of smoke. But I still get cravings.”

“Jean doesn't like that I smoke. I've tried to quite, but it never works. So I've settled with having one or two whenever he's not around.” He's still not happy about it.

Levi hums in acknowledgement and I glance up to see my bus further down the road. I sigh and crush the cigarette under my foot and let the last of the smoke fall from my lips. Levi keeps his in his mouth and I turn to give him a shy smile.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Just don't expect me to buy you ice cream every single time.”

“So... c-can we do this again?”

“I wouldn't mind seeing your dorky face again.”

I can feel my cheeks heating up and Levi is giving me the most smug look I've ever seen anyone give. It shouldn't be humanly possible to look that smug.

“You said it wasn't dorky!”

“I'm kidding, Jaeger. Now get your ass on the damn bus, I'll text you tonight.”

I narrow my eyes at him but that only makes his smug ass face turn into a cheeky grin. I eventually give up and give him an awkward wave which he returns with a smirk as I climb onto the bus. I plop myself down near the back; away from all the people, and watched Levi turn to leave.

 


	10. Chapter 10

I was grinning like an idiot the whole ride home. A few people gave me odd glances, but that didn't bother me at all. I was too busy focusing on the warm feeling in my chest. I finally have a friend. One of my own who isn't associated with Jean. Levi genuinely wants to see me again and I couldn't be happier. I'll still need to watch out about bring up my personal life. That always makes people run the opposite direction.

I get back to the apartment where Jean is rummaging though the cupboards trying to find something to whip together for supper. I should have waited a bit longer so I'd have the chance to see what kind of science project he could create.

There's an uncomfortable silence when our eyes meet and I'm starting to think he wasn't drunk enough to forget the fact I pushed him away this morning. I feel guilty, but I'm not going to apologize. If I'm not in the mood for sex, then I'm not in the mood.

I pull off my boots and toss my bag beside the door. Jean is still watching me. Instead of heading into the bedroom, I decide to try to make myself sociable and sit on the couch where he can see me. I tuck my feet underneath me and shove my hands into my lap. I don't know if I should be the first one to talk. I've never minded the quiet, but this kind of silence is horribly uncomfortable.

Jean turns back to the cupboard to put away whatever was in his hand and turns around to lean against the counter with his arms crossed. He looks unimpressed to say the least.

“I'm going out again.”

Well thanks for that wonderful greeting.

“Again? You were just out.”

“And since when do you get to decide how much I can leave?”

“I-I never said that.” This is going to be a pointless argument, isn't it? “I just thought you and I could do something tonight.”

“Sorry. I already have plans.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.

If this is his way of getting back at me for the way I acted, then he can suck an egg. I don't want this to be an endless cycle of us trying to piss off the other person. Now I'm regretting not bolting into the bedroom when I had the chance.

I was hoping we could have one of our movie sprees again or even just cuddle for a few hours. Jean has a completely different agenda and I'm sure he's only going out out of spite. Either that, or he's getting sick and tired of having me cling to him. Can you blame me though? He was gone for two days and left for a third and I was left alone in the empty apartment. He knows I get anxious when he's gone for too long and something tells me he's starting to forget that.

“And is there any particular reason why my favourite sweater smells like smoke?”

Shit.

“S-Sorry... I forgot I was wearing it.” More like I forgot to wash it after going onto the balcony for a drag. Jean doesn't mind that I wear his clothing every once in awhile, but he hates it when I get them dirty, or even worse- make them smell like smoke.

“I swear to god, Eren, I'm going to throw out every damn pack you buy.”

“I said I'm sorry. It won't happen again.”

“You're damn right it won't. I'm throwing them out.”

What? I thought that was just a threat. I didn't think he actually meant it. I know how much Jean hates that I smoke, but he should also know I can't go cold turkey instantly like that.

He pushes himself away from the counter and heads for my bag next to the door. I follow him almost instantly and grab it before he can so much as lay a finger on it. I cradle it in my arms and back up against the wall like a scared kitten.

“This is pathetic, Eren. You're clinging to those damn things like they're your life support. You see how much of an issues that is?”

“I-I can't... you know I've tried quitting, Jean. I can't do it.”

“Then try harder!”

“I-I'm sorry...”

“No you're not. You don't give a shit that you're killing yourself with those damn things.”

The grip on my backpack is needlessly strong. I know its wrong. I've tried so hard before, but it never works. The cravings I got after trying to quit drove me crazy. The couple times I tried, my depression got worse. I got too anxious to go outside and kept myself locked in the bathroom with my blades. If Jean knew about that he would only get more upset with me.

“I-I'll cut back, I promise.”

“I don't want you to cut back. I want you to get rid of them!”

“I've tried...”

I pull the bag closer to my chest and lower my eyes. I can feel the tears brimming in them and I wish they would stop. I hate when Jean yells at me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it feels like there's a weight crushing down on my chest. He's upset with me and I can't do anything about it.

“Then try again.”

I don't want to. I never want to feel that again. My heart felt empty and I got agitated with everything. If Jean finds out I cut, my blades will be thrown out too. Then what? Everything will come spiralling down and I wont be able to function like a human being.

“I can't...”

We're both stubborn which makes for a never ending battle. I thought maybe cutting down would be good enough for him, but I thought wrong. Cutting back at all would be a major step for me. Having cigarettes out of my life completely just sounds absurd and impossible. I've been relying on them for so long.

I picked up the dirty habit soon after my mother died. I was way too young to start buying them on my own, but that didn't stop me from sitting outside convenience stores until an older teen walked by who could get them for me. I'd offer them a few extra dollars as payment and they would buy them for me every time. I had to start stealing money from my father after my allowance money ran low. He was too busy with work to notice.

Jean sighs after a moment and runs his fingers through his dirty blond hair. He's frustrated. It's painted all over his face.

“Eren...I understand you've had a rough go, but... can you at least try again? For me?”

'Rough go' is an understatement.

He doesn't know half the pain I've felt. He still has a family who loves him, and friends who care about him and support him. He has a home, a good job, a respectable future.

Then there's me.

I'm nothing but a fuck up who can't do a simple thing like quite smoking for his boyfriend.

He's all I have and I want to make him happy yet I'm refusing to let go of my bag to allow him to throw out the cigarettes. I think my own sweater smells like smoke right now since it hasn't been too long since my last drag with Levi. I wonder if he's noticed.

“Please, Eren?”

I don't give him an answer.

Instead, I feel the tears slip from my eyes and trail down my cheeks. I'm afraid of how he'll react when I turn him down. To any normal person, this decision should be easy. I should be able to stop smoking for the person I love, but I can't. It seems so easy when you put it into words like that.

“Are they really that important to you?”

He's making me sound so pathetic. Somehow a tiny stick of nicotine is running my life.

“Are they more important to you than me?”

Oh god don't do this.

His words make the tears come faster. I'm addicted and I can't stop. Stopping makes everything worse. I love him and it's pathetic that I can't quit to make him happy. He's done so much for me and it's the least I can do.

“N-no I-”

“Then why can't you quit?”

More silence and more tears. My legs cave from underneath me and I slide down the wall until I'm crouched on the floor. I'm hiding my face against my bag and clawing at the material as if it will somehow help me.

Everything hurts.

I'd been so happy after seeing Levi and now all of that has gone out the window.

“I'll be back tomorrow morning. I want those things gone by the time I get back.”

I lift my eyes from my backpack to watch him grab his coat. He's leaving me alone again.

My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach and I'm glued to the floor with the weight pushing down on me. I don't want him to leave. Having him with me will make it easier. I don't want him to yell, or get upset. I want him to hold me and let me know everything will be okay.

Nothing is okay. Nothing about my _life_ is okay.

I watch Jean leave through my clouded vision and the tears get worse from the moment he closes the door behind him.

 


	11. Chapter 11

I'm not surprised that I cut again once Jean left. It took so much strength to push myself off the ground and into the bathroom, but it was worth it. I locked the door like every other time and let the metal slide across my skin. My forearms are a mess and they're not getting any better.

I've kept the damage in one spot and new cuts are overlapping old ones over and over again. That doesn't stop me from dragging the blades over my arms though. My body relaxes and my tears come to a halt as I become entranced with the gory sight. The pain is calming and the blood marking my skin keeps my eyes in focus. I feel empty inside knowing I'm alone without Jean once again, but at least I can remain calm until he gets back- whenever that is.

I open my skin for a third time and let the razor fall into the sink and it looks like I slaughtered a small animal.

I let my mind trail back to the stupid argument Jean and I had.

He doesn't expect me to throw them out, does he? He looked painfully serious and I'm scared of what he'll do if I don't stop smoking. I wish he could be happy enough with me cutting back. It's hard enough going one day without a smoke let alone removing it completely.

My phone goes off in my back pocket and I whip it out as fast as I can hoping it's Jean. It's not. I shouldn't say I'm disappointed to find it's Levi... but I am. I have a scenario in my head of Jean coming back home and telling me he's sorry, but I'm thinking hell will freeze over before that happens.

 **Levi:** You free again next weekend? I'm sure I can spare the money to treat you to more sugary shit.

Damn Levi and his ability to make me smile.

I want to say I'm free, but I really don't know. I could work and all, but more importantly I want to spend time with Jean. He works week days and comes home exhausted and passes out almost instantly. Early mornings and long work days don't mix very well. I'll need to make up for all the time we've been apart.

I set my phone down and wash the remaining blood down the sink.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I clean the blade off and toss it back into it's usual spot before dressing my arm. I tend to favour one arms over the other so the skin on my left is ten times worse than my right. I make sure to clean everything until it shines just in case something is out of place. Now the bathroom is spotless and it looks as if nothing ever happened.

 **Levi:** You're taking forever to reply. Are you taking a shit or something?

Of course he would assume that.

Little does he know I've just split open my skin several times while crying into the wounds. I'm such a happy person, aren't I?

 **Eren:** srry. wus cleaning

I've become a perpetual liar. I'm not proud of it, but I do what I have to in order to keep everything normal. I'm lying to Jean right now and it's getting me pretty far. I remember having to lie to Connie after he saw my arms at work. I told him I stopped self harming years ago and the scars just wouldn't go away. And Connie, being his stupidly oblivious self, believed me. Luckily he never brought it up again.

 **Levi:** So, is that a yes?

 **Eren:** i dont think so

 **Levi:** Why not?

 **Eren:** i should be spending more time with jean

 **Levi:** Seeing him everyday isn't enough?

 **Eren:** we had a fight. i need to make it up to him

I wander out of the bathroom and sink into the bed; hoping I'll disappear if I curl up far enough. I'll be sleeping here alone again. It's becoming a regular occurrence. At least this way I don't have to worry about startling Jean with my nightmares. Having me thrashing in the middle of the night can be alarming and I hate to make him panic with how hysterical I can get.

I can thank my father for that.

 **Eren:** can i ask u something?

 **Levi:** You don't need my permission, brat. Go ahead.

 **Eren:** Have you ever tried to quit smoking?

The least I can do is ask. Jean only asked me to _try_ quitting again, so he won't be too disappointed if I can't do it, right? Perhaps I'll just see how long I can last.

It's a start.

I want him to be proud of me if only a little, even if it is a piss poor accomplishment.

 **Levi:** You could say I'm trying now. Cutting back is a good start. You trying to quit?

 **Eren:** trying. i doubt itll go over so well

 **Levi:** Distractions usually work. Find something to get your mind off of it.

 **Eren:** do u use anything?

 **Levi:** Drawing.

I should have guessed that. Though, I'm not sure how he finds time to draw extra stuff when he's so close to finishing school. I've never been a big fan of doing intricate drawings so I doubt that will work for me. I don't have any hobbies besides a few online games, but I'm not about to camp my ass in front of my laptop every time I feel like a smoke. That doesn't help the cravings as it is.

 **Eren:** ill think of something

Doubt it.

 **Eren:** im going to bed early. tty tomorrow

 **Levi:** Night.

My early turn in becomes a full night of me tossing and turning like a beached fish. The sun has barely gone down and I'm attempting to sleep with the sound of horns and sirens off in the distance. I get up once to enjoy a long drag before stashing my cigarettes under the sink in my box of razors.

Now everything can return to normal.

I know I said I'd try, but the more I think about going cold turkey, the more it scares me. I'll keep the cigarettes under the sink and only use them when I need to. It's for emergencies and nothing else. If Jean doesn't see them then he doesn't have to worry.

I eventually fall asleep for my usual three hours and wake up to have my whole Sunday consist of me working.

Jean wasn't back by the time I went to work, but he was laying in the couch when I got home in the evening. The atmosphere was a little different, but he seemed content to see I didn't have any packs of cigarettes in the bedroom or in my bag. I felt guilty for having him believe I threw them out, but as long as he's happy I don't care.

We ended up curled on the couch with me resting between his legs with my head on his chest while he reads. I enjoy listening to the rhythmic thud of his heart or the way his chest rises and falls with each soft breath. That steady motion has lulled me to sleep on many occasions and it hasn't lost its affect. One of his hands props up his book while the other combs through my hair, tangling my chocolate brown curls around his fingers. He does it just for fun and I end up getting a weird head massage out of it which isn't a bad deal.

I'm glad things are back to normal for us. Our arguments tend to last days and I'm always the first one to cave and apologize. This time, we came to some sort of compromise that didn't end with me crying and Jean feeling guilty. I'm still mad at him for leaving again, but I'll get over it. I always do. I can't keep a grudge for very long when it comes to him.

I come close to falling asleep on Jean's chest until I hear my phone go off in my back pocket. I have to maneuver myself awkwardly to get it which earns me an annoyed groan from Jean who looks like he's in a good part of his novel. I reach my phone and rest my chin on Jean's stomach as I read the text that's (surprise) from Levi.

 **Levi:** Erwin and I are moving into our new apartment at the end of the month. You down to help out?

Jean notices me grinning and gives me a questionable look. It isn't often that I look happy about something.

“Levi wants me to help him move.”

“Isn't he the internet guy?”

“Yeah. I found out he lives around here and went to see him yesterday.”

I think I managed to sum up the past week pretty well in that one sentence.

I forgot to tell Jean about the weird discovery of Levi practically living next door to us. Now for some reason he wants me to help him move into his apartment. I can barely lift a pile of twigs let alone giant boxes. But, hell, it'll be something to do.

Jean hums quietly and returns to his book. He doesn't seem phased at all by any of it. I'm glad he isn't the kind of boyfriend who nags at me to tell him every aspect of my life in detail. He's satisfied enough with what I just told him.

 **Eren:** r u that desperate 4 help? :P

 **Levi:** The more help, the better.

 **Eren:** date?

 **Levi:** Moving isn't my idea of a date.

 **Eren:** i mean the date ur moving dumb ass

 **Levi:** 25 th

 **Eren:** im sure i can book time out of my busy schedule :P

 **Levi:** You better. Or you won't be getting free ice cream ever again.

 **Eren:** thats a dick move

 **Levi:** But it's working isn't it?

 **Eren:** sadly yes

 **Levi:** Good. Can you be here around noon on the 25 th?

 **Eren:** ill be there

 


	12. Chapter 12

The next two weeks passed by as slow as humanly possible. I'd made sure to book off the 25th from work so I could help Levi move. In response to that, my boss decided to bombard me with a butt load of extra shifts. I was not impressed, but what could I do about it?

Nothing.

I had to sit there and accept every 8 hour shift they gave me. Now my legs feel like wet noodles.

It's now Saturday morning- the day I need to get to the college- and I'm sitting on the counter sucking back a giant mug off coffee. I would never be able to live without the stuff. The taste isn't that great unless you load it with sugar, but it's the caffeine I'm after. My eyes feel heavy after so many none stop days of working. My body is hating me, but I won't mind basking in the hefty paycheck I'll be getting.

I swing my legs back and forth against the counter as Jean comes out of the bedroom looking like he just crawled out from under a rock. I enjoy the view though. His hair is messy like mine and he tends to sleep shirtless since he's a walking furnace. I'm not going to deny that I'm staring at him and he doesn't seem to mind.

I wish I could be as open as him with my body, but I can't. I'm too afraid he'll see what I've been doing to myself. Even sex isn't the same. Over the past few years I told him I was self conscious about my body so I wore a long sleeve every single time. Jean never said anything or questioned it after that.

I offer him a smile as I finish my coffee and rinse the mug out in the sink. I'm decked out in my [ensemble](http://www.polyvore.com/erenmove/set?id=157992787) I threw together and Jean seems more than satisfied with how I look judging from the suggestive glances he's giving me. I'm blushing from ear to ear and I look away from him to focus on scrubbing my glass clean. I nearly squeak when his arms wrap around my waist.

“Don't work too hard.” his voice is soft and he rests his chin on my shoulder to watch as I work.

“I won't be doing too much. I'll leave all the heavy lifting to Levi.”

Jean nuzzles into my hair and places a kiss along my neck which makes me shiver. He knows I'm sensitive there and he uses it against me whenever he wants. Not that I mind.

“I'll be waiting for you. I may even do some cleaning if I get bored.”

Now that would be a sight. I can't remember the last time Jean picked up a broom. His standards of clean will differ from mine that's for sure. I may end up redoing all his work when I get back.

I finish with my mug and turn to kiss him properly before heading out to catch the bus. I'm glad I'll never need to blow needless amounts of money on a car. It sounds convenient and all, but it's something I would never be able to afford with my lousy minimum wage job. The buses take me everywhere I need to go which is one of the perks when it comes to living in the city.

I reach the college within twenty minutes and find Levi waiting for me at the stop. I'm glad I won't have to track him down or wait uncomfortably for him. I give a shy smile and he returns it as I make my over to him. I have to admit he looks more than decent in his light blue [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/levimove/set?id=157992282). I guess I was wrong when I assumed his whole wardrobe was black.

He leads me around the corner and it's pretty easy to tell which building he's roomed in- if the giant U-Haul truck is any indication. I'm surprised there aren't as many students moving out. I was expecting the streets to be packed with cars and having to shove my way through clusters of people. I'm glad that's not the case. My anxiety would be shooting through the roof if interactions today were mandatory.

I follow Levi up the stairs to the second floor, and I'm glad he's not any higher. That many stairs would be a killer to my legs.

This is the first time I've ever been inside a college dorm. Levi swipes his key along the door and leads me inside where Erwin is taping up boxes and looks up to give me a wave. He's just as tall as the video call indicated. I have to laugh at the height difference between the two friends. Erwin could use Levi's head as an arm rest.

“You must be, Eren.”

I nod slowly as he offers me an outstretched hand which I firmly shake. My grip is pretty weak, but I don't want this macho guy thinking I'm some kind of wimp. First impressions have to be good.

“A-And you're Erwin, right?”

Now I can see why Levi called him Eyebrows. I never noticed them before, but they're massive. Of course I'm not going to point them out, but I'll make a mental note to mention it to Levi that I understand the nickname now.

“That's right. I'm glad I finally get to meet you.” Damn this guy is charming. He looks like a freakin model. “Sorry if Levi dragged you out here. I know moving isn't the most exciting thing to do on a Saturday.”

“No, it's alright. I wasn't doing much anyway.”

“I didn't threaten him, Erwin, if that's what you're thinking.” Levi rolls his eyes and heads over to an empty box to throw in a pile of clothing. Mostly black with the occasional neutral colour.

“I wouldn't put it past you.”

“He threatened me with ice cream, if that counts.”

My statement fills the room with Erwin's low chuckling. Levi gives me an unimpressed look and I have to grin at him or he would never stop.

“You two are idiots.” Levi rolls his eyes yet again and picks up the now packed box. “I'm gonna start taking things down. You two finish the packing.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

“Blow me, Erwin.”

Levi turns to leave and a grin is spread across my entire face. Erwin must have to put up with a lot of shit, and he would need to have a lot of patients to live with someone like Levi. He doesn't seem phased with half the stuff that's spewed out of the guy's mouth.

I grab one of the empty boxes by the door to starting helping. It's scary how much junk you can pack into a small dorm. The room falls silent for a moment save for the sound of us shuffling around. Erwin doesn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable with the silence and focuses on whatever books he's packing away.

“So, tell me about yourself, Eren. I only know what Levi tells me, which isn't much.”

“Um... there's not much to tell. I live with my boyfriend in an apartment and work at a shitty convenience store.”

I don't feel as nervous telling Erwin about me having a boyfriend. I have to assume he knows Levi is gay if they've been friends for so long. With him knowing that, you'd think he would be accepting with the fact I'm not straight either.

“That's it? No hobbies? What about your family?”

“I-I don't really feel comfortable answering that... sorry.”

Instead of him getting frustrated I watch him look over his shoulder to give me a reassuring smile. Whenever I try to avoid any kind of subject, it seems people only want to dig harder to find out. If I don't tell them, then they get frustrated, which in turn makes me upset. It's an annoying cycle.

“Don't worry about it. Everyone has things they'd rather not talk about.”

“S-so... how did you and Levi become friends anyways?”

Erwin hums quietly and a smirk plays on the corners of his lips. I finish with one of the boxes and lift if from the bed to drop it off next to the door. I'm glad I won't have to be carrying a lot of them down.

“Well... it didn't start as the typical friendship. We went to the same high school and he was an odd ball from the start. He was bullied a lot despite everyone being so afraid of him. If it bother him, he never showed it.” he paused for a moment to pull one of the boxes closed, sealing the top with a hefty amount of tape. At this point I'd found a seat on the bed to fiddle with folding a few extra clothes that were laying around.

“As fate would have it one of my friends, Mike, picked a fight with him. And lets just say Levi came out of that brawl with a bloody nose and swollen face while Mike came out unscathed. Though, I'm sure size had a lot to do with it. I found him outside after that and wanted to apologize for the way my friend acted. He hated me at first, but I wanted to make it up to him.”

I find it weird how caring Erwin is. I've always heard high school is a rough place and getting bullied has always been problem, yet there's Erwin who pushed all that aside to help the one being picked on. I'm glad the world isn't completely tainted with ass holes.

“I wasn't too impressed with how Mike behaved, so I ditched my so called friends to start spending my time with Levi and found out he was actually a caring person under that hard shell.”

“You forgot about the part where I punched you in the face.”

My head whips around to see Levi leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. The same neutral expression on his face as if he hadn't heard anything. Erwin only laughs at his sudden appearance even though I was worried he'd be mad for us talking about him behind his back.

“You punched him?”

“When he came outside to apologize I punched him. It felt good, not gonna deny that.”

“For a shrimp you do have a good arm.”

“I can punch you again if you want.”

Something tells me it was a good decision not to point out Levi's height when we first met in person. His eyes narrow at Erwin's comment and he looks about ready to stab someone.

“Do you want any help carrying boxes down?” my voice is barely audible, but it catches Levi's attention none the less. There isn't too much left to pack up besides some bedding.

“Nah, I got it.”

I'm not going to lie, Levi is surprisingly strong for his size. I'm more than a little impressed with how many boxes he stacks in top of each other without any struggle at all. He turns around and heads back down the stairs and I hear Erwin hum softly beside me.

“I'll admit, I'm impressed, Eren.”

Impressed? What the heck did I do? I eye the man curiously and raise my eyebrow slightly in the hopes that he'll explain what he means.

“Levi doesn't like many people. Besides me, he has no other friends.” He pauses to look down at me and I'm sure I still seem confused. “I don't want to sound mean or anything, but he isn't the kind of guy who makes friends easily.”

I can see why.

Not many people enjoy having insults thrown at them or having to deal with sarcasm every other sentence. Levi and I are similar in that aspect which would explain why we're not ready to slit each others throats yet.

“He didn't know anyone else in high school?”

“I saw him with two others in his freshman year, but I'm not sure what happened to them. I never saw them again after that so I'm assuming they switched schools.”

It seems odd that both Levi's friends would leave just like that. I find it weird why he wouldn't go with them if they were all he had. I don't think Erwin will have the answer to that, so that question will stay in my mind for now.

I glance back out the door and watch Levi ascend the stairs once again. I have so many questions for him, but will he want to answer them? I'll keep my trap shut for now and maybe some day I'll grow the balls to ask him some personal things.

All three of us end up taking the rest of the boxes down to the truck and their dorm looks painfully empty. Erwin hops in the back as Levi passes him more boxes to stack up to the top. I don't know how this is going to fill an apartment though.

“Um... don't you guy have any furniture?”

Besides the occasional chair, they have nothing. Sure, their bedrooms will be stuffed with junk, but what about the kitchen or living room?

“Most of it is at the place already. My parents helped us do that last week.”

I watch Erwin's back as he continues to shove boxes into place to make everything fit. Something tells me they should have gotten a bigger truck.

“His parents are loaded.” Levi leans into me with a smirk on his face and I can tell he's glad he didn't have to pay for any of the said furniture. It must be nice to come from a rich family. I'm glad Erwin isn't one of those snobby rich people who flaunts their money just because they can.

“I'll meet you there.” Erwin hops down from the truck, hands keys to Levi with a swift toss and climbs into the front of the U-Haul. Levi tugs lightly at my sweater to get me to follow him around to the parking lot.

The only way to describe the place is 'a sea of cars'. How anyone finds where they park, I have no idea. Every car looks the same to me. I know a nice car when I see it, but other than that, all automobiles fall under the category of truck, van, SUV or car.

We stop in front of a red sports [car](http://media.ed.edmunds-media.com/chevrolet/camaro/2001/oem/2001_chevrolet_camaro_2dr-hatchback_base_fq_oem_1_500.jpg) and I'll admit, I find it appealing. It's fairly low to the ground, which is a pain in the ass when you're trying to get in the damn thing. I hear the doors unlock and I climb inside and situate myself on the slick leather seat. The interior is fully black, which suits the rest of the car. Levi climbs into the driver's seat shortly after and starts it up with a low purr.

“Is this yours?” I think I'm enjoying this care more than I should be.

“Half. Erwin and I split the cost. If I'm paying for something, it better be nice.”

It doesn't shock me that the inside is immaculate as if they just bought it off the lot. It would be hard to find a speck of dust on anything.

“Where do you get all this money from?”

“I do work, smart ass.”

That's a lot of money for someone to pull out of their ass just from working. This car doesn’t seem like it was cheap to get. I'm not going to question him though.

He hooks up his phone and scrolls through what I assume is his music selection. I snort and pluck it from his hands where he gives me the most intense death glare I've ever seen. It's funny how protective some people can get about their phones. He reaches for it to snatch it back, but I pull it out of his reach- which isn't hard.

“Do you mind?”

“Not really.” I smirk at him and resume what he started as I look through his music. I swear this guy has one song of every genre in here. There's no real pattern when it comes to his taste. I hear him give a frustrated sigh as he starts to back out of the parking lot.

“Fine, pick the damn song... You're lucky you're cute.”

What?

I whip my head to the side to stare at him and he continues driving as if he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. I can feel my face heating up and I hate when that happens. I turn as red as a tomato when I'm blushing. I ignore him and turn back to the phone to resume scrolling. I settle with a random song just to fill the silence and get the attention off what he just said.

Luckily, the drive to their apartment doesn't take too long. Five minutes max. I can see myself in the side mirror and I'm still beat red as I climb out of the car. Erwin is leaning against the truck waiting for us with the back unhitched for us to start the painful job of climbing up dozens of stairs with the heavy boxes.

I'm glad they entrust me with the lighter ones. Both of them are clearly stronger than me since I have a hard enough time lifting a box of bread. I get to carry up the boxes of pillows and blankets along with a few packed with clothing. There's no way in hell I would lift anything filled with books. I would be dead halfway before reaching the damn room.

After each trip, I stop to glance around the new place. It's nice that's for sure. Nicer than Jean's place, but that would be thanks to Erwin's parents no doubt. I get a peak into the living room when we first walk in and the furniture matches the walls perfectly. All neutral, so nothing hard on the eyes. Large windows, massive kitchen area with stainless steal appliances, a bleach white bathroom and hefty sizes bedrooms. I'm more than a little envious that they get to live here.

It takes us over two hours to get everything up the stairs and my thighs feel like they're on fire. That's the closest thing I've gotten to a workout in a long time. I'm out of shape that's for sure.

The apartment looks like a bomb hit it, but Levi looks more than thrilled to clean it up. He finds what boxes are his and starts to shove them into his room. Both bedrooms look relatively similar save for the position of the closet.

Erwin occupies himself with some of the boxes in the living room so I decide to join him instead. I don't know how anal Levi is about anyone in his personal space. I crouch down to help Erwin place old textbooks onto a shelf. I've always enjoyed organizing books from tallest to shortest- even if they're not in alphabetical order.

I move onto the next larger box and audibly gasp when I open it.

“You play guitar?”

Erwin hums softly and pulls the shinning acoustic out of the box. I've always enjoyed the sound of guitars. Most of the music I listen to has the lead singer playing one. They make everything sound so relaxing. I wanted to play when I was younger, but my family didn't have any extra money to throw around to buy me one.

“I used to play. I gave this to Levi a few years ago.”

“Levi!” I practically sing his name and my face lights up like a little kid on Christmas morning. Is it pathetic that I'm getting this excited over an instrument?

“What?”

Typical posture: Arms crossed, leaning against the door frame.

“Can you play something?”

“I'm up to my ass in boxes so-”

“Pleeease?”

He rolls his eyes and makes his way over to Erwin to snatch the guitar from his hands.

I have a way with my puppy dog eyes. I used to use them all the time with my mother whenever she wouldn't let me play outside past dark. She would give in after she would see my watery doe eyes. She would always sigh and place her hands on her hips before saying 'okay, you have ten more minutes.'

Levi takes a seat on the couch and I plop down next to him with Erwin on his other side who's propped his feet up on the table as if he's lived here for years. I watch Levi rest his arm over the side of the guitar before gently gliding his fingers along the strings as if to test them. It sounds well tuned for something that's been sitting in a box for god knows how long.

“Any requests?”

“I... didn't have anything in mind.” There are dozens of songs I can think of that would sound amazing while played on guitar, but I don't know how vast Levi's musical library is.

He picks at the strings for a moment while he thinks of something to play. I'm envious of anyone who's skilled at any kind of instrument. It looks so calming to be able to sit down and focus on nothing but music; creating elegant sounds with something as simple as the pluck of a string or air through a reed.

His slender fingers glide across the strings, and move fluidly to form different chords. The [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk43O2NrHgw) he starts playing sounds vaguely familiar to me so I don't think he's improvising. Either way, it sounds beautiful.

Levi looks so different like this. His face is normally scrunched up in some unimpressed expression, but now he looks calm, almost at peace. I smile lightly and glace over at Erwin who has let his eyes flutter shut and leaned back further into the couch. I wonder why he stopped playing in the first place. I don't see why anyone would give up a talent like that if they didn't have to.

The soft chords fill the room for a few minutes until Levi falls silent after the last note. He barely moves and I lean into him a little, peeking up at his lidded eyes. He seems to be staring at nothing, his eyes focused on something only he can see. They look blank until he notices me and blinks himself back into reality.

“You okay?”

“Yeah...I just... haven't played that in while.”

I glance past him to find Erwin asleep, his head tilted up and his lips parted ever so slightly. The massive guy now looks like an oversized teddy bear. I make sure to lower my voice before continuing.

“You're pretty good.”

“I'm nothing special... It's more of a hobby than anything else.”

“Either way, thanks for playing for me. I know you were dying to get unpacking those boxes.” I offer him a cheeky smile and I find a cushion being thrown at my face.

“Don't be a smart ass, Jaeger.”

He knows I can't help it though.

He snorts at the sight of the sleeping man beside him before getting up to stretch; leaning the guitar against the couch. I hope I get to hear him play again. I wouldn't mind falling asleep to the gentle acoustic notes every once in awhile. Maybe he could teach me one day if he has the patients.

“I should go. I don't want to keep Jean waiting.”

I hope he hasn't attempted to make supper. The last time he tried, I came back from work to find spaghetti sauce all over the walls and half cooked pasta dried to to the stove. I have no clue how he managed to fuck up that badly on something as simple as pasta.

Levi disappears into his room for a short moment and comes out with his keys twirling around his finger.

“Come on, I'll drive you home.”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

I managed to persuade Levi to let me pick the songs again for the drive back to the apartment. He gave me the stink eye for most of the ride, but I knew he didn't really mind me choosing as long as they were his songs. I wrote down a couple that caught my eye so I could download them later.

Levi has a unique taste in music that's for sure.

He dropped me off and left after a short goodbye and I'm glad we didn't get lost with me explaining to him how to get back to my place. My sense of direction is shot to hell and sometimes I don't know my right from my left. I made sure to give him our room number in case he wanted to visit anytime.

I watch his car disappear around the corner and I head inside up to the sixth floor. It's a pain in the ass to take the stairs every time, but the elevator is always cramped and I want to avoid confrontations with people whenever possible. Elevators aren't for socially uncomfortable kinds of people like me.

I glance outside whenever I pass a window and I'm glad I got home when I did. It's no longer sunny like it was this morning. There's no torrential downpour, only a slight drizzle, but I hate rain either way. It makes me tired and irritable- more so than usual. The only thing I like about rainy days is when I get to curl up with Jean on the couch where we wrap ourselves up in a giant fuzzy blanket.

That sounds very appealing right now.

The apartment is warm and it feels nice to be home again. It's fine to get out every once in awhile, but nothing beats coming home and pigging out on food with your boyfriend.

To my surprise, it looks like Jean ended up cleaning after all. The living room doesn’t look like a hurricane hit it, and the floors are nearly spotless. Not bad for a guy who's never used a mop before. That means I'll have less to do tomorrow when I'm done work.

I kick my shoes off at the door just as Jean comes out of the bedroom looking as disoriented as ever. I immediately hop over to him and wrap my arms around his neck before giving him a loving kiss.

What concerns me is that he doesn't return it.

He barely moves at all and I'm left wondering why he's acting like a stick in the mud. I thought we settled the little argument we had before so I'm going to be a little pissed off if his foul mood is related to that.

I pull back to look at him and I barely have time to look into his eyes before he shoves me off of him. I stumble back against the couch and the expression on my face is a mixture of hurt and confusion. Jean isn't normally like this unless there's a good reason. My only question is, what did I do to piss him off?

“Jean, what's wrong?”

He doesn't answer me.

Instead, he shoots me a glare as if I'm playing dumb. As if the hurt in my voice is all an act. He seemed perfectly fine when I left. He doesn't have a problem with Levi, does he?

“Jean, please, what's going on?”

“Don't act dumb, Eren.”

I wish I could say I am acting dumb, at least then I would know why he's so mad. This isn't like our normal arguments. There's a look in his eyes I've never seen before. If looks could kill, I would have died ten times over.

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

That seems to upset him even more.

He storms off into the kitchen and I chase after him like a lost puppy. I don't want him mad at me. Will an apology make everything okay again? I don't care if I have no clue what I did, I just want him to be himself again and hold me until we fall asleep.

Did he see me getting out of Levi's car? Is that why he's so mad? If anything between us bothered him, then why didn't he say something sooner? He knows we're just friends. Hell, he doesn't even know Levi is gay, but that shouldn't matter. He should know me well enough to know I would never cheat on him.

“I just want to know what I did. I can explain everything.”

If he wants me to sit down and tell him the events of the past few weeks, then I'll do that. I'll stop seeing Levi in person if that's what he wants. I just want the arguing to stop.

“Then why don't you go ahead and explain these fucking things!”

I flinch at his voice and he throws a few things from his hand. I never realized he was holding anything until now. The small boxes scatter onto the table and I can physically feel a weight drop in my stomach.

My box of razors and cigarettes are now sprawled out in plain sight.

My heart feels like a ball of lead and Jean's eyes are burning into my skull. My mouth feels dry and my mind is scrambling to think of something to say. The room is awkwardly quiet and my body starts to tremble just thinking of what's going through Jean's mind.

“I found them under the sink. Mind explaining to me why they were hidden?”

No. I don't want to explain. I don't want him to know how much of a fuck up I am. I let him believe I was okay so he would be happy.

This was the whole reason I kept my habits a secret. I knew he would get mad and I never want to see him like that.

“You told me you stopped cutting, Eren. So, why the hell am I finding used razors?”

“I-I don't use them...”

Why am I doing this? I'm digging myself into a bigger grave. I'm willing to say anything to get him to stop. I want to avoid this confrontation all together. I'll tell him whatever he wants to hear.

“Don't lie to me.”

“I'm not.”

The shaking in my voice gives me away, but I want so badly for him to believe me.

“I-I just kept them...I never used them, I swear.”

I feel so small right now. My sins are being layout in front of me while Jean scolds me for being so weak. I feel like there's a dozen eyes on me, judging me and laughing in my face while I sit here and shake like a leaf.

“Prove it.”

“H-how do I-”

“Show me your arms.”

Oh god no. Please tell me he's joking.

I visibly flinch and pull my sleeves further down my arms until they're covering my hands. I don't want him to see. It's disgusting. I look like a mutilated corps. There will be no way of denying it if he sees the gashes in my arms. It's the horrid truth I've been trying to hide for so long.

“J-Jean I-”

“Show me your arms!”

Tears prick my eyes when he raises his voice. I hate yelling. I know Jean would never raise a hand against me, but I can't help but think of my father whenever arguments get heated. I'm scared. terrified. And Jean is left glaring at me waiting for me to lift my sleeves and show him what I've been doing to myself for the past few years.

I bite my lower lip hard enough to draw blood. Pain has always been a good distraction, but now it seems to be making everything worse.

Even with my trembling hands I manage to roll up my left sleeve to my elbow. I screw my eyes shut to avoid the horrid sight as well as Jean's reaction. I don't know which one will hurt more to see. I've done a good job at holding back my tears, although I'm not sure how much longer that will last.

“I-I'm sorry.”

That's all I can say. Nothing will make it better. Nothing will take back the years of lying and hiding my sins. An apology is all I can give.

“Please...please don't hate me.”

I wish I could sink into the floor and disappear.

Jean gives me a frustrated sigh and I crack my eyes open to watch him run his hands through his hair. It looks like he's trying to pull his hair out by the roots. He has no words. The shock and betrayal is written all over his face.

“I can't do this, Eren.”

I glance up at him into his honey brown eyes searching for answers. What does he mean by that? I want to ask him, but my voice is too shaky to say anything without sounding pathetic.

“I can't fucking do this.”

He shakes his head and moves past me to go back into the living room. I'm tempted to throw the razors and cigarettes in the garbage so they're not exposed anymore, but what good would that do? Jean has already seen them. Getting rid of them now won't change anything.

I pull my arm close to my chest and follow him like the clingy bastard I am. I watch him shuffle around the room to throw some things into a bag and I'm more than a little confused. He finds his favourite sweater on the couch and throws it in in a giant heap.

“What are you-”

“We're done.”

Done? No. He doesn't mean that. This is just another threat, right?

“Jean, I promise I'll throw them out. I promise I won't-”

“It's too late, Eren.”

“No... I-I promise I'll stop. Please, Jean, just give me another chance.”

My voice isn't the only thing shaking. My whole body seems to have a mind of it's own and every limb has started to tremble. He's finding more things to throw in his bag and it's making this all too real.

“This isn't about the cutting, Eren. It's the fact I trusted you. You told me you stopped and then I find out you've been lying to me this whole time. Not only that, but now I find out you've kept the cigarettes too. What the hell is wrong with you, Eren?”

Too many things. Way too many to count.

“What else haven't you told me? What else have you been hiding away to avoid me seeing?”

“N-nothing. Jean, I swear that's it... please, you have to believe me.”

“How can I? You've done nothing but lie to me.”

I've been trying so hard not to cry this whole time, but now I've given up. The tears slip past my eyes and track down my face in salty streams. I've cried several times whenever Jean and I fight, or when he leaves, but this is different.

It's the heart wrenching feeling that it's over.

“I swear I'll change... please...”

He doesn't acknowledge me. He simply tosses his bag over his shoulder and makes his way to the front door. All the strength in my legs gives out and I fall to my knees on the floor, watching my tears drip onto the wood beneath me.

“P-please don't go... don't leave me...”

He's all I have.

Where will I go? I always thought of his apartment as home, now that's gone. These past three years with Jean meant nothing. He'll be a part of my past. Another broken part of my life caused by my own stupid mistakes.

“I'm sorry, Eren. But, I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me.”

“T-that's not true... I trust you Jean...I-I was too scared to tell you.”

“Don't feed me that. If you trusted me, then it shouldn't have been that hard. You had three years to tell me, Eren. Three damn years.”

“I...I wanted you to be happy.”

“What would have made me happy is you telling me the truth. You've been covering up lies with lies. How am I supposed to believe anything that comes out of your mouth?”

Sobs are wracking my body and it's hurting so bad. I've felt so much emotional pain, but nothing compares to watching the person you love walk out of your life. I don't have the strength to lift my head. I can't bear to watch him leave.

I want to ask him where he's going, if I'll ever see him again, or what I'm supposed to do. It hurts even more to know he's leaving so easily. Was he waiting for me to fuck up? He doesn't seem hurt at all yet I'm here as a crippled mess unable to move.

“Don't g-go... I love you.”

I've resorted to clawing at my arms again, reopening recent scars to produce whatever pain I can. I deserve it. Pain is the only way for me to punish myself.

I want him to hold me. I want him to forgive me and pull me close to I can snuggle into the warmth of his body. Now I don't think I'll ever feel it again.

It feels like there's a hole in my heart or someone has stabbed it with a ballpoint pen. That pain gets worse when I hear the apartment door close. Nothing but silence. Jean is no longer here. Someone has taken that pen and twisted it even deeper. I feel so empty. I have nothing left.

Nothing.

 


	14. Chapter 14

I've lost track of time. The world seems to be moving so slowly now. It's been over an hour since Jean left my life for good and I've remained a heap on the floor for most of that time. I cried as hard as I could until my eyes were raw and red with tears. There's a headache blooming behind my eyes and I feel like shit.

Can I really blame Jean for leaving? I'm a fuck up. I can't do anything right and my life is nothing but a series of mistakes. I have too many issues to count and it was only a matter of time before Jean got fed up with my problems.

Where am I supposed to go now? This is Jean's apartment. He only took a few things with him so he's bound to return at some point. I'm supposed to leave, aren't I?

I push myself off the floor and stumble into the kitchen with the boxes still on display on the table. The tears keep coming as I remember the amount of hurt and betrayal in Jean's eyes when he found out. It looked like I'd stabbed him in the gut and left him to bleed. He must have been sitting in the bedroom waiting for me to come home all day.

I told him I loved him before he left and he never returned it. That hurt more than anything. He didn't say one word; just left.

The void inside me feels bigger than before. I've lost everything. It's the same feeling I had when my mother died, but worse. Now I have even less than I did back then. Is there a point to continuing? Everyone I love ends up leaving me.

I snatch the box of razors off the table and make my way into the bathroom. I don't care about closing the door anymore. If Jean decides to come back, who cares. He's seen what I do to myself. It's the horrid reality of my life.

Besides, it's not like he could hate me more, right?

I'm careless now. I rip open the package and hurry to grab one of my many blades. Some of them have dulled from the multiple uses, but others are still bright. They tear into my skin all the same. I collapse next to the tub to let the cold metal rip open my damaged skin.

How would Jean react if he came back home to find me dead in the bathroom? Would he care? Would that make him regret leaving me? It's selfish, I know. But what other choice do I have? My life is a joke. My mother is gone, my father is an ass hole, I don't know where my sister is, and my friends are nonexistent.

I suppose I still have one friend, but how much does Levi actually care? He doesn't know my darkest secrets. He sees me as some chipper teenager and he likes me for that reason only. No one wants to deal with me. No one wants to deal with the _real_ me.

I open my skin again and again, making the next cut deeper than the last. All I have to do is make the deepest one across my wrist and everything can end. I won't have to deal with pain anymore and the world can go on without having me to fuck it up. No one will care. No one will find out. Maybe everyone I know would be relieved that I took the decision upon myself to end it now rather than later.

My arm is coated in blood and it's hard to see skin anymore. The front of my sweater is stained; no longer the bright white it had been this morning. My phone is in the front pocket and I dig it out, ignoring the pain shooting up my forearm. Should I call Jean to say goodbye? I doubt he'll pick it up anyways. He doesn't want me in his life and he made that choice when he left.

The least I can do is call Levi. At least he was someone who pretended they gave a shit about me. He's the closest thing I've had to a friend in a very long time. If I called Armin right now, would he remember me? I doubt he would care if I died too.

I dial Levi's number and press the phone to my ear, my tears dripping into the open wounds spread out across my arm. I'm gripping the blade in my other hand and it's digging into my palm, mutilating my hand to look like the rest of me.

After a few short rings, Levi's soft voice is on the other end.

“Well, this is a first. Since when do you call me?”

He sounds so care free.

I wish I could have that sort of life. He's a strong person despite having a rough childhood. I'm too broken to find strength. I'm starting to think Levi's life will be better if he doesn’t have to deal with me. He has Erwin, and will be busy with work and maybe more school.

“L-Levi...I just... wanted to-”

“Eren... are you okay?”

I'm not surprised he noticed. My voice is cracking with every other word I speak and I'm discovering it's hard to find breath between broken sobs.

“B-before I go...I-I wanted... to thank you...f-for everything.”

“What are you talking about? Eren, what's wrong?”

I hate how genuinely concerned he sounds. He shouldn't care. I wanted this to be a quick goodbye and then make the pain end with a quick glide of my razor. His concern shouldn't be hitting me this hard.

I drop the blade from my hand and bring my bloody palm up to my mouth to stifle the sob I choke out. Blood is covering my lips and I squeeze my eyes shut as the tears come even faster than before. The blade hits the tile floor with a quiet clatter and I press the phone closer to my ear.

“L-Levi...I...I don't want to b-be here.”

My voice is reaching the point of sounding hysterical. I wanted to be calm. To thank him for being a friend to me and that's it. Why is that so hard to do?

He's quiet for a short moment, surely processing what's spewing out of my mouth. To him, this will all seem out of the blue. He had seen me a few hours ago and I was perfectly fine.

I must be worrying him. I'm nothing but a burden.

Soon, he won't have to worry anymore.

“I-I just want to die... I have n-nothing left.”

It's so hard to get those words out. The words have a heavy burden because I know they're true. My only option will be to go back to my father, or live on the street. I don't know which one is worse. I don't want either. My best option is to end everything and not worry myself with it.

“I...I wanted... to thank you-”

“Eren, where are you?”

He needs to stop sounding concerned for me. His voice is making my goodbye all the more difficult. I let myself take a small breath of air while my eyes stay fixed on the bloody razor on the ground. To think such a small object could do so much damage is almost laughable.

“My apartment...”

No, it's not mine. Not anymore.

“I want you to stay where you are, can you do that?”

Why? Why does he need to know where I am? It won't matter.

“I-”

“I'll be there in fifteen minutes.”

I feel my breath catch in my throat and I cradle the phone closer to my ear. I don't want him to see me like this. I'm bathing in a pool of my own blood with my eyes swollen from the constant tears. I'm a broken mess.

Maybe I can end it before he gets here. If he sees me, I'll be an even bigger burden.

“I-I have to go...”

“Don't even think about hanging up.”

“I'm sorry, Levi.”

“Eren! Don't-”

I let my thumb slide over the end call button. Levi's voice is cut off and I'm left alone once again in the silence of the bathroom. There's the quiet hum of the heater just outside the door, but nothing more than that.

My body feels like it's frozen to the floor. Everything feels so heavy and I'm tired; Emotionally and physically tired. I was naive to think everything would be okay. The world likes to fuck me over although I don't know what I did wrong.

My eyes are fixed on the ground and I finally find the strength to pick up the crimson stained blade. My hands are shaking and I make another small cut along my pale skin. I barely notice the pain now. It used to sting a little, but I guess everything has gone numb.

It won't be that hard, right? A deep cut along my wrist will do it. That's all I need.

The blade is pressed against my veins, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Am I that much of a coward?

I go on and on about wanting to die, yet I can't make it happen. Am I scared? Maybe. Or maybe I'm holding on to some small shred of hope that everything will work out. That if I wait long enough, Jean will come back through that door and tell me everything will be okay.

I'm left in a trance; staring at the bloody floor as if it holds some kind of interest. I'm snapped back to my senses when my name cuts through the silence.

How long has it been? Long enough for some of the blood to crust on my arms.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I let the razor clatter onto the floor again and I hug my arms close to my body to try and stop the sobs wracking my being. It hurts to be alive, but the thought of dying scares me. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“Eren!”

Levi?

Has it been that long already?

I glance past the living room to see him stumble into the apartment. Our eyes meet for a brief second before I hide them in my arms.

He doesn't know this side of me. I'm supposed to be that stupidly innocent teenager he met online with the dorky smile and weird coloured eyes.

Now look at me.

He'll be disgusted. It'll be like having Jean confront me all over again.

His footsteps are quiet as he approaches the bathroom. What a sight this must be. I won't blame him if he turns and leaves. No one wants to be around me. I'm too broken and not worth the effort. If my own boyfriend doesn't think so, then why would anyone else?

I want him to say something. He hasn't said a word since he walked in here and his silence is making it worse. I feel like he's looking down at me like I'm nothing more than an insect.

My whole body lurches when something wraps around my shoulders. I lift my eyes from my arms only to have Levi pulling me against him. His grip is firm, but gentle. His body is warm as he cradles me against his chest.

More tears swell up in my eyes and I let myself go. I cry like a baby and claw weakly at the front of his shirt. I'm staining him with blood and soaking his clothing with my tears. I hide my eyes in the crook of his neck and sob harder than I have in years.

Levi doesn't say anything, but I don't mind anymore. His arms are wrapped around me in a protective hold while his fingers run gently through my hair as a calming gesture. It's not much, but it's something.

“I-I couldn't d-do it, Levi... I-”

“Shh, you're alright.”

No I'm not. I'm far from alright. Just one look at this damn room and any sane person would say I'm not alright. He knows it too. He's just not saying it.

“Don't ever scare me like that again.”

Levi's voice is so odd right now. It's quiet, but there's something else. There's an emotion there that I would have never imagined coming from him. He sounded concerned before; now it's different. I pull my eyes away for a moment to catch a glimpse of his face. I've always seen him with an emotionless mask, but now he looks... scared?

Why isn't he disgusted? Now that he's seen me like this, why isn't he leaving? He should be shoving me away like everyone else. I'm not worth the trouble and I'm not worth the time. His fingers are combing through my hair like Jean used to do and it's sending me mixed feelings. My brain feels like it's throbbing against my skull so I let my eyes flutter shut, which also stops to the tears to some extent.

I want to forget this ever happened. I'm hoping I can wake up tomorrow and find out this was all a huge nightmare. I'll need to live with the fresh marks on my arms and the pain of never having Jean beside me ever again.

I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think of my future either. I just want to sit here in Levi's arms until my life returns to normal again.

It's pathetic, I know. To think my life can ever be the way it was before. Back when I would cook with my mother and have her praise me whenever I would remove a tray of perfectly baked cookies or when she would smile at me and hand me a batter covered spoon as a treat. Back to when my father looked at me like I was a perfect child, giving me a pat on the head whenever I would walk Mikasa home from school. I'll never have that again.

Is that too much to ask? I'm I too demanding? I just want my family back. It's something most people have, yet I'm here on a bloody floor begging for it.

Levi's shirt still in my grasp. It's weak, but it's something for me to hold onto. I don't want him to leave and I'm glad he hasn't.

I feel so tired.

My body goes limp and let my exhaustion take over. My eyes flutter shut with my head resting against Levi's shoulder. I don't want to move. I'll need to dress my arms, clean my blood from the floor, and dry my eyes, but I've lost all will to do anything.

I used to be a fighter, but not anymore.

 


	15. Chapter 15

I have no clue how long it's been since I've fallen asleep on the floor. I've barely moved and everything that previously happened all felt like a dream. I wish it had been. Then maybe Jean would be the one beside me instead of Levi. I'd forgotten he had been holding me while I cried myself into a restless sleep.

I want to stay like that forever; To fall asleep and never wake up. Then I could live in my own dream world where everything works out and my life is the way I've always wanted it to be.

I wake up to find myself still being cradled in Levi's arms. My joints are stiff from staying in one position for so long, and my arms are raw and sore from the many gashes I made along my skin. Levi is pressing a towel to my opened arm, which he must have put there sometime when I was passed out.

My tears have finally dried, but my eyes feel puffy and red and my head feels like it's being clamped in a vice grip. Not to mention the canyon sized hole in my heart where someone has stabbed it with a blunt object and twisted it a few times.

Levi shifts beside me and I remove my eyes from his shirt where I've soaked through it with my tears. I catch a glimpse of his face and there's a stab of pain in my heart once again. He looks lost. I can't describe the emotion in his eyes. I knew he was worried, but if I didn't know any better I'd say he'd been crying along with me.

No words pass between us. He tries to give me a reassuring smile, but it's weak. I have no strength or will to return it either.

The bathroom is a disaster. It's a dead zone with a mixture of blood, and tears, and discarded razors. It's a pretty good summary of my life when I think about it.

I find myself being helped off the floor and I press the towel closer to my arm in an attempt to take away some of the pain shooting through it. My legs are wobbly and weak. It feels like I'll collapse at any moment, but Levi is right beside me keeping me supported with his arms around my shoulder. He's my crutch for now- at least until I find the strength to stand on my own.

It's a shaky walk back into the living room, but I can leave the sight of the bathroom behind me. The more I think about it, the more it makes me nauseous. I don't want to be plagued with how disgusting it is or how I'll need to clean it before Jean gets back.

Jean.

His name causes so much pain in my chest every time he comes to mind. Had I really hurt him that much? I'm stupid, I know. I've lied to him constantly, but it was only because I never wanted him to worry. Why was that so hard for him to understand?

I curl back against the couch to bring my legs up to my chest, hugging them close to me while Levi disappears for a short moment into the bathroom only to return in front of me to set a few things on the table that I don't give a fuck about right now.

I bury my eyes in my arms to block out the real world. I hear running water, but I don't bother to look up and see why. Besides the water, I can hear the rest of the city life outside the windows. The world continues to spin whether I like it or not.

The presence returns in front of me and I curl into myself even more. I wish it were possible to disappear if you thought about it hard enough. There's a soft touch against my arm and I do nothing, but make a small noise in response. I let Levi guide my arm out and allow him remove the towel covering my recent gashes. The white fabric is soaked in red.

Levi sits in front of me on the table, dabbing a warm, wet cloth against my arm. It hurts, but it feels nice at the same time. I'm too weak to pull my arm away, but would there really be a point in hiding it? Levi has seen the state of my skin when he first walked in here.

He doesn't look like the same person. That emotionless mask he always wears is gone. His eyes are more lidded than usual and he looks so sad. It's completely different from the person I got to know. It looks like we both have a side of ourselves we never show.

Why is he still here?

I'm still alive, so why isn't he going? Instead he's helping me; washing the crusted blood from my skin with a feather light touch. I don't want to be the first one to speak, but I feel like I have to.

“I-I can do that myself... you can leave.”

I didn't mean for it to come out sounding so rude, but I know I'm being nothing but a road block. He must have other things to worry about. He's barely gotten moved into the new apartment yet he's here with me.

“At least let me do this for you.”

Even his voice is different. It sounds heavy. It doesn't sound as monotone now, but it's still soft.

“Why?”

“Is it wrong?”

He lifts his eyes to mine and I feel so small. They look more dulled and grey instead of their usual deep blue. I don't know why he's like this now.

“N-no... but... you're probably busy...so you can-”

“I'm not leaving, Eren.”

“Why?”

That's the question of the day. Why is he still here? Why is he helping me? And why did he bother coming here in the first place?

Instead of an answer he just looks at me. His gaze falls after a moment to resume his work on my arm. The warm water is soaking into the cuts and removing most of the crusted blood so you can see the contrast of my skin.

I used to be tan as a child. I was outside most of the time either trying to catch frogs in the fields or running down the street with Armin screaming our lungs out. I used to be the colour of caramel until I lost my life and found no more reasons to venture into the outside world. My skin has dulled back to it's usual colour and I'm pretty pasty now.

“I just want to help you...”

I want to ask that question again. Why?

“I-I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time... You didn't need to-”

“Would you stop acting as if you're a burden to me? I'm here because I want to be so stop talking like that.”

I'm not a burden? He's just saying that isn't he? I cause nothing but problems, so how exactly am I _not_ a burden?

I lean back into the couch and fixate my eyes on the soft fabric, trying to find patterns long the surface. I used to draw smiley faces onto the cushions when I was bored, but that doesn't sound like much fun anymore. Jean used to draw hearts and attempt to write our initials, but they were never legible.

Just thinking about simple things like that brings tears to my eyes. Will there ever be a time when I can hear his name and not get upset? I let the waterworks track down my cheeks once again with no attempts to hide them. What would be the point of wiping them away? They're going to be replaced.

“W-why do you care so much?”

Levi lets a gentle sigh escape his lips while he tosses the bloody cloth into the bowl of water next to the table. The water is stained red, but my arm is clean. I can clearly see the hack job I did on myself.

“Believe it or not, there are people who care about you, Eren. There are people who don't want to see you hurt, and will give anything to make sure you're okay. Some of us can't sit by while we watch the ones we care about suffer alone.”

If that's the case, then why did Jean leave so easily?

“Eren... what happened?”

I hide my eyes in the arm propped up on my knees. Levi's hands work gingerly on my cuts, wrapping them firmly with a few bandages and gauze. They sting a little, but it's nothing I'm not used to. I bite down hard on my lower lip and I wouldn't be surprised if I drew blood.

“J-Jean... he... he left me.”

It hurts to say. There's a burning sensation in the pit of my stomach and it won't go away. I hope Levi doesn't ask about it. I don't want to explain to him how badly I hurt Jean, how many lies I told, and the years of pretending I was okay.

“I fucked up, Levi... I-I have nothing left now...”

He doesn't say anything for a moment. He fastens the clip on the bandage and glides his thumb across the patch job before letting my arm rest beside me.

“Eren, look at me.”

I don't want to. I wish I could hide my face forever and get rid of the ugly tears running down my face. No one looks good when they cry. It's not like that Hollywood bullshit where one tears comes down and that's it. They always miss the disgusting parts like the snot and puffy eyes.

I meet Levi's eyes regardless.

“You can start over. Having nothing doesn't meet you just give up. I know losing someone is hard, but you can move on.”

“N-no... you don't know anything.”

Of course he can sit there and say cliche things like that. He's not the one who had a razor pressed to his wrist ready to end it. He's the same as Jean. He has a respectable future and a good person like Erwin at his side.

“You don't know half the shit I've been through. You have the perfect life, so don't go telling me you understand how I feel. You have no fucking idea how I feel right now.”

“You're right, I don't know... but I knew people like you once...”

Knew?

“I'm not here to preach to you, Eren. I'm here to make sure you don't hurt yourself.”

“... A little late for that.”

“You're still alive aren't you?”

“Only because I was too weak.”

Levi lets a gentle sigh escape his lips and gets up from the table to join me on the couch. My eyes follow him even as he takes my hand in his and squeezes it lightly. His hands are smooth, save for a couple rough patches on his fingers; no doubt from playing guitar.

“Being unable to kill yourself doesn't make you weak. You were able to put down the blade and push forward. I know you think it's weakness, but being alive right now proves your strength. You've done what most can't.”

“I don't feel very strong...”

Have I ever been strong? I was weak as hell when I was a kid despite the fact I picked fights with anyone who looked at me the wrong way. I couldn't stand up against my father, and I couldn't find the strength to tell Jean the truth, so why does Levi think I'm so strong willed?

Levi tilts presses his finger to my chin to tilt my head towards him. He doesn't say anything, just wipes my tears, brushing his thumbs under my swollen eyes. I don't deserve his kindness.

“I-I should go.”

“Go? You live here don't you?”

Another stab in my heart.

“No... this is Jean's place... not mine.”

“Where will you go?”

My options are limited. I either take my chances on the street or go back to live with my father. But, what if he treats me the same? What if every night I'll be treated like I had been all those years ago? He'll yell at me and beat me down like an insect. Will the roof over my head be worth the physical and emotional pain?

“I-I don't know.”

My voice cracks and a few more tears replace the ones Levi wiped away for me. I can't bring myself to clear them from my face.

“Then you're staying with us.”

What?

“Levi, I-”

“I told you before there are people who want to make sure you're safe, so you're gonna have to live with it. I'm not letting you out of my sight.”

I sniffle softly and decide there's no point in arguing about it. Levi seems hell bent on having me go with him, and to be honest I would rather live at his place than anywhere else. Of course, I would love to stay here if I could, but there's no way Jean will want me to.

“Go gather your things, alright? I'll take care of the rest.”

The rest?

Oh right. The bathroom still looks like I committed murder inside it.

I feel guilty for having Levi clean up after me. It's a disgusting sight that only I should have to deal with.

I nod slowly and Levi brushes my bangs away from my eyes. I'm sure I look like hell. I feel like it too. My eyelids are so heavy it's painful. Curling up into a warm bed sounds very appealing right now- but I won't be sleeping here.

Having a decent rest seems out of the question despite how tired I feel. I've slept beside Jean for years, and even when he would leave for work, I would go to bed knowing I'd see him the next day. He would always call to check up on me- to tell me he loved me and say he would be home as soon as possible. I feel empty and numb at the same time knowing I won't be getting those goodnight calls ever again.

My eyes follow Levi into the bathroom after he leaves my side to go clean up the horrid mess. Soon the place will be back to it's bleached white self and Jean will never know what happened. What would he think of me if he found out? Upset maybe? Disappointed that I was so frail as to want to take my own life?

I doubt he would understand.

Whenever that subject is breached it seems everyone says the same things over and over again.

_Your life can't be that bad._

_Other people have it worse than you._

_ Get over it.  _

Telling someone their life doesn't suck never makes it easier and I don't understand why no one has grasped that concept yet.

I get to my shaky feet and wander into the bedroom with no real purpose. The bed is unmade from this morning and the room looks as it would any other day. The world is a lot darker outside thanks to the damn rainclouds. The weather matches my mood I guess.

I grab my bag beside the door and throw in what few things I have. Everything here belongs to Jean besides my clothes and a few other odds and ends like a toothbrush. I grab my laptop and toss it in on top of my shirts. I make my way into the kitchen where I left my cigarettes and decide to pack them too.

Call me pathetic, I don't care.

I wait for Levi on the couch, anxiously fiddling with the bandage on my arm and bouncing my legs on the balls of my feet. I need to pack one more thing, but I don't want Levi to see. I need the razors I left on the floor and I'm hoping he didn't throw them out. Even if he did, I'll still get them.

I glance over my shoulder to watch him work on the floor, his back facing me. He's manged to locate the bleach and other cleaning supplies along with the rubber gloves. He sets the garbage can outside the door and it's cringe worthy how many bloody paper towels he's throwing out.

I crane my neck and spot my box of razors among the pile and find my chance to grab them. I don't care if this is desperation. I need them.

Levi doesn't turn around so I've saved myself the awkward confrontation. I shove the box into the bottom of my bag and return to the couch to act stupidly innocent. I feel my anxiety going down just knowing I have them close to me.

It doesn't take long for Levi to finish cleaning. I leave my apartment key on the coffee table and take a last look at the home I got to know. I'll be living somewhere different, sleeping in a different bed and eating at a different table.

Along with the key, I leave my memories associated with it. I want to erase them so I can stop crying every time I think of the moments Jean and I would spend hours on the couch cuddling, or when he would wrap me up in a giant blanket and kiss my face until I started squirming and giggling to get away from him.

Levi is watching me patiently; waiting for me to leave everything behind and move forward. I don't know if I'm ready and I may never be, but there's not much else I can do.

I pull my bag over my shoulder and turn my back to the life I once knew. That life is dead and gone along with part of my heart.

I follow Levi out the front door where I officially start over.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the wonderful comments and feedback <3 I never thought this fic would get this much attention. *throws confetti* I'm working again now, so I'll have less time to write, but I'll be trying to post new chapters every week. I won't neglect it!

The ride to Levi's apartment is nothing short of silent. I stare out the window aimlessly, sinking lower into my seat whenever I see a couple walking hand in hand on the lit sidewalk. I wonder what their lives are like, or if they've ever had any arguments. I'm also envious of all the children I see skipping alongside their mothers and fathers; holding their hands without a single care in the world.

Everyone is so oblivious at a young age. I would hear about so many deaths and suicides on the radio or on tv, and I would always tell myself that would never happen to me. That's the way I used to think about cancer too. I knew it was out there, but it seemed so farfetched that it would happen to anyone I know; until it took my mother's life.

The sky is pitched black by the time Levi pulls into the apartment parking lot. I remember passing the college a while back, but it holds no interest to me now. It's just a bunch of buildings that all look the same.

The car turns off and the low hum disappears until I can hear nothing but the low exhale of my breath. I have no will to move, but I can't stay in the car forever- even if I wanted to. I scramble out and follow Levi up the stairs to the same room I'd been in a few hours prior.

Everything is so foreign to me now. I've been here before, but it feels different. The apartment looks the same, but I don't belong here.

There's boxes scattered all over the floor and it looks as empty as I remember it. The second bedroom door is closed, so I have to assume Erwin is passed out with no knowledge of my arrival. Will he be upset with me? I've invaded his home without his permission. This was all Levi's idea, but I don't want them mad at each other.

I silently follow Levi with every step. I don't stray too far even though he would be able to see me anywhere I go. He leads me into his bedroom which doesn't look as empty as the rest of the place. There's nothing on the walls, but he's gotten to some of the boxes and put the blankets and pillows on the bed. White and blue plaid. Nothing fancy.

I fix my bag over my shoulder and wander around his room. He's manage to organize everything on the shelves as I would have expected him to: every book in alphabetical order according to genre. Just like his music, there's a variety of books and it doesn't seem like he prefers one over the other.

I don't know what time it is, and I don't bother looking at the clock. It's not like I have a specific time for when I sleep. I doubt I'll be closing my eyes at all.

He offers me his bed for the night, but I turn it down knowing I wouldn't feel right sleeping there since this is his place and not mine. He grabs a few pillows and blankets and heads back out into the living room as I fiddle anxiously with my hands. It's my first night here and I feel so out of place.

Levi helps me set up a bed on the couch and I curl into the blankets like I used to do at Jean's apartment. Nothing smells the same though. I let a couple more tears slide down my face as I pull the blanket up to my nose. Levi's fingers are combing through my bangs again and I wish he would keep doing that until I fall asleep. I'm not about to ask though.

“I'll be in the next room if you need me, alright?”

I nod again. That's all I have the strength for.

He heads into his room and the lights go out shortly after that. I'm left in the dark, letting silent tears track down my cheeks. I should have told Levi to stay with me. It's fairly late so I'm not going to force him to stay up with me since I'm sure he's worn out from moving and unpacking all day.

I don't feel tired at all and I'm left alone with my thoughts and that's never fun.

I manage to close my eyes for a half hour, but stir awake again thanks so my insomnia. I forget where I am for a short moment, but eventually everything falls into place. I pull my phone out of my bag and flip through my contacts. Jean hasn't sent anything. I don't know if I should delete him. What if he wants to call me?

I need to get over myself. He's not coming back.

I reach over my head to flick on the lamp, casting a warm glow over the living room. It's not too bright so I won't be waking Levi. I rummage through my bag and change into a new pare of [shorts](http://www.polyvore.com/aperen/set?id=163282187) and t-shirt. I don't know why I decided to try and sleep in a bloody sweater. I'll need to throw it out.

I pull it off and head into the kitchen to throw the once pure white sweater into the garbage. It used to be one of my favourites. If I keep it, I'll be reminded of everything. I manage to hide it fairly well underneath the trash, so Erwin doesn't find it and question me.

I won't be sleeping again for awhile.

I wander back into the living room and sit myself down in front of an opened cardboard box. I need something to do and straightening up doesn't sound like a bad idea. The least I can do is organize some of their text books onto the shelf. I'll keep everything the way Levi wants it.

Cleaning will help me get my mind off of the many things pounding against my brain. I'll let myself focus on this and nothing else. Perhaps it can distract me from the burning hole in my heart.

I flip through most of the books before placing them on the shelf beside the fake fireplace. I'm sure a real one would be much nicer, but for an apartment, what wouldn't be an option.

We used to have one in our house. Mikasa and I would always help my dad carry firewood back home. It wasn't necessary for heating the place, but it was nice to put it on in the evening and become entranced by staring at the flames dancing on the other side of the grate.

There's the occasional picture in the box, and most of them consist of Levi and Erwin. Levi looks unimpressed in every single one while Erwin is making the most ridiculous faces possible.

“Eren, you're still awake?”

I jump a little and glace over my shoulder to find Levi looking as if he's having just as rough a night as me. I can't tell if I woke him up or not since the permanent bags under his eyes give nothing away.

“I...I couldn't sleep.”

“I know the feeling.”

He heads over into the kitchen where he fills up a kettle before plugging it in. His hair is a little messier than I've seen it before, but he pulls it off well. Even from this distance, I can see some black ink from a [tattoo](http://www.designzzz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/beautiful-tribal-tattoo.jpg) curling down his arm and disappearing under his [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/aplevi/set?id=163286862).

“Find anything interesting yet?”

“No...I'm only sorting books.”

“You don't need to organize all our stuff you know.”

“I know... but it's something to do.”

He hums softly as if to agree before turning back to the counter. I can't see what he's doing, but I'm too preoccupied with making sure books don't fall on my face. I've made a good amount of progress in such a short period of time.

There's a comfortable silence that passed over us which is broken once Levi joins me in the living room, leaning over to place a small tea cup in my hands which I accept without question.

I didn't realize anyone used tea cups anymore. I figured everyone drank their tea out of a mug. Apparently not. It's cute though. It reminds me of when Mikasa would have tea parties with her stuffed animals. I'm sure every little girl has done that at some point.

“It's chamomile. It'll help you sleep.”

I mutter a small thanks and blow lightly over the cup. I'm not a huge fan of tea, but if it will help me get more than a couple hours rest, then I'll give it a try.

Levi takes a seat on the couch and crosses his legs as I sip at the edge of the cup. It's warm so it feels nice against my hands. If the fire place were on, this would be a pretty cheesy looking scene.

“I-I'm not a bother here, am I? Will Erwin mind?”

He pauses before the cup reaches his lips and gives me an odd look. I also can't help but notice the weird way he holds it. Any normal person would use the handle, yet he uses the tips of his fingers to grip the rim.

“He won't care. He likes you from what I can tell, so don't worry about it.”

How long will I be staying here? Is this for a couple days or for a few months? I'm sure they'll want me to pay, but I don't want to go back to work. I won't have the will to get up in the morning. I can forget about going in tomorrow since I have no interest in having Connie questioning me as to why I look like I've been crying for a week straight.

I hear a soft click of a cup being set against the coffee table and I turn back to face the near empty box in front of me, tucking my feet underneath me to keep them warm while I trace my fingers along the designs in the tea cup. They're intricate patterns and way beyond something I would have the creativity to think of.

“You okay, Eren?”

It's a simple question with a loaded answer.

I'm not okay. I'm never going to be okay. I shouldn't be here.

I place my cup on the table next to his and avoid his eyes while I do so. I know he's looking at me and waiting for an answer.

“I'm fine...”

Typical isn't it? Now I've started lying to Levi.

I'll avoid anything that will make me tear up and become a sobbing mess. He knows I hurt myself, but he's not getting any more than that. I don't mind that the bandages are exposed for him to see. He's seen it once, so he can see it again.

He sighs quietly and resumes sipping at his tea while I rummage through the remaining contents in the box. A few more books and pictures and that will be one down and several more to go. There's two more books about astronomy and another picture of Levi with-

Someone.

For once, it's not Erwin.

It's a younger guy and a girl with bright auburn hair. Not only that, but Levi looks...happy. Despite the dark shadows around his eyes, his lips are turned up into a small grin. Are they his siblings? Levi has never mentioned having any brothers or sister though.

I turn back to face him and place the picture in his lap. I'm sure I look like a small child wanting to be told a story. He sets down his cup and lifts the frame into his view. There's a look on his face I can't describe. I'm sure they're people who are very close to him. All of them look fairly young in that picture, so it must have been awhile ago.

“Who are they? Family members?”

“Friends.”

Simple enough.

He hands the frame back to me and I take another look at it. I'll admit it brings a smile to my lips to see someone like Levi looking so happy, even if it is just a freeze frame of a moment far in the past.

The sandy haired boy has his arm out to take the picture while the girl has her arms wrapped so tightly around Levi it looks like she's choking him. Her smile is the largest one in the picture by far.

“Are you still in touch with them?”

He's never brought them up before, but maybe there was no reason to.

“No. They're no longer a part of my life.”

“Why not?”

“They're dead.”

Oh. Good job, Eren. Your first night with the guy and you're already fucking it up.

Levi goes silent and my eyes fall onto my arm where I'm starting to claw at it, digging my nails into the bandage. It's a bad habit of mine; Hurting myself.

“I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to.”

My voice is breaking. I never wanted to bring up those memories for him. I don't know how his friends died, but no one wants to be reminded of that. Yet here I am screwing everything up again. I can't do anything right. No wonder Jean left me.

Levi is by my side within seconds, pulling my hand away from my skin before I can do any further damage. I'm starting to shake again. I drop the frame and I curse myself when I hear it crack against the floor. Everything I touch gets ruined.

“I'm sorry, Levi...I-I'm sorry...”

I have no idea what I'm apologizing for. Living maybe? For being here instead of in a pine box six feet underground?

My vision is getting clouded from unshed tears, but I can feel Levi's every movement when he takes my hand like he did before. Only this time, it's different. He laces our fingers and squeezes gently. I return it all too quickly. He's giving me something to hold onto to. Something I know is real and won't disappear like everything else.

“You have no reason to be sorry, Eren. You didn't know.”

I should have. I should have been smart enough to put two and two together. With them looking so happy in the picture, there's no other reason Levi wouldn't have them in his life anymore. I'm stupid. I'm careless, and I don't think before I speak.

“I-I didn't mean to break the frame...”

“Don't worry about it. That crummy thing was only worth a dollar anyways.”

That doesn't make me feel any less shitty, but the smile in his voice calms me down if only a little. His thumb is tracing the back of my hand in delicate circles despite me having his in a death grip. Even if he tried to pull away, he wouldn't go anywhere. I feel like if I let go, he'll slip away and I'll be left alone again.

“I'm sorry...”

“Apology accepted.”

His voice is so caring. It's nice to know he isn't mad at me for being so stupid. It's one less thing for me to worry about. The frame didn't shatter into a million pieces so there's no mess of glass to clean up. I'd feel even worse if that happened.

He gathers the frame from the floor to prop it up on the coffee table. Everything is the same except for the crack down the middle. There's an odd fondness in Levi's eyes whenever I catch him staring at the photo. It's a mixture of love and sadness that I know all too well.

I wonder what kind of people they were. Would we have gotten along? The younger boy reminds me of Armin. He has the same innocent smile and light blue eyes. The girl, on the other hand, looks like the happiest person in history. She looks cute with her red hair pulled back into small pigtails. It's upsetting to know I'll never get to meet them.

“You should get some sleep, Eren. I know it's been a long day for you.”

That's the understatement of the century.

So much has happened in a short amount of time that it feels like I've been hit by a bus.

I keep a tight hold on Levi's hand even as he gets to his feet. He gives me a small look, but he doesn't seem surprised in the least bit that I don't bother to let go. I'm clinging to him like a security blanket. I shouldn't be relying on him so much, but who else do I have?

“C-can you...stay with me?”

I'm not sure if he has the intentions to return to his room and leave me out on the couch to toss and turn all night. I want him with me. I'm scared to wake up alone.

He offers me a soft smile and helps me to my feet. I'm weak and clumsy, but I manage.

We find a place on the couch and I instantly curl into him like a newborn kitten. There isn't much space, but there's enough to lay down side by side. I don't mind. I want him as close as humanly possible. I bury my nose into his shirt and I find he has a sweet, yet musty smell. It's different from what I'm used to.

He shifts a little to grab the blanket hanging off the back and drapes it over our two forms. It smells like the rest of the place, but it's soft.

That's one thing I appreciate about Levi; He never asks questions. He doesn't question my reasons behind wanting him to stay with me. Or why I'm curled up against him like he's my life support. He never asked how Jean and I broke up, he never asked me why I felt the need to take my own life, and he's not questioning me now.

I wrap my fingers around the front of his shirt while he wraps his arm around my shoulder with his cheek resting against my messy hair. I won't deny that his gentle touch brings tears to my eyes. My whole body seems to relax and the silence is comforting to say the least.

I want to stay like this forever. I never want to move. I crave the feeling of having someone near me; to know someone cares enough to keep me close instead of push me away. I'm not entirely sure why Levi's still here, but I'm glad he is.

I nuzzle closer into his chest and let out a gentle sigh from my slightly parted lips. I want to apologize all the trouble I've put him through, but I don't want to ruin the silence. My arm is stinging again from the recent wounds and I'll need to redress the bandages in the morning.

Going to work is out of the question since I barely have the will to stand right now. The last thing I want to do is deal with people when I can barely deal with myself.

Does this mean Connie won't want to talk to me anymore? He's Jean's friend, not mine. I wouldn't be surprised if he turns his back to me. I'm sure Sasha and Marco have already removed me from their phones. I'm no longer a part of their lives. Why should they give a damn about me if Jean and I aren't together?

I let a few more tears slip from my eyes, but they're silent. They're not the gross kind that involve me sobbing like I'd done earlier today. I'm a mixture of emotions and I don't know what I should feel right now.

Everything is silent save for the soft sound of Levi's breathing. I try to match our breaths, but I'm finding it difficult since my lungs are shot to hell from all the smoking. But at least I'm able to breath. I'm still here because of him. Because he cared enough to show up and hold me when no one else would.

I let my eyes flutter shut, despite the dull light bouncing through the room. They're so heavy and it feels nice to let them close after so long. Every part of my being is exhausted and I've never felt so tired before.

I stay nuzzled beside Levi as I let myself rest for the very first time.

 


	17. Chapter 17

I can proudly say I let my eyes stay closed for longer than a couple hours. I didn't mind that I was woken up by the sun just outside the window. It's a nice contrast to the terrible raining weather that passed by the other day.

I squirm a little and find my legs are tangled with Levi's- who I'd forgotten was beside me. I was expecting to wake up alone, but he has his arms around my waist hugging me close to his body. He's a walking oven that's for sure. The blanket he's thrown over top of us is starting to make me sweat.

I roll over to face him and he groans before cracking open his lidded eyes. He said before he wasn't a morning person, and I believe him judging by the unimpressed look on his face when he looks into the kitchen to check the clock. It's barely 7am.

He flops his head back onto the pillow and brushes some of the wild hair out of my eyes. I join him and enjoy how warm he is compared to the air of the apartment. The fact it's nearly empty only emphasizes how cold it really is.

“Did you sleep alright?”

It wasn't perfect, but it's been one of the better nights I've had in awhile. I nod slowly, trying to block out the memories of yesterday with the moments of now. I wasn't plagued by nightmares last night either so that's a bonus.

I jolt slightly with the sound of a door clicking open. It's not too long after that that Erwin comes into view looking slightly less disoriented than Levi. He's wearing nothing but pyjama bottoms and gives both of us a questionable look. I'm not at all shocked by Erwin's build. He's a big guy, so him having a six pack isn't surprising at all.

There's a silence that passes over the room and I can only guess the thousands of thoughts running through his head. He wakes up to find Levi and I asleep together on the couch... god only knows what he's thinking. How am I supposed to bring up that I'm going to be living here now?

“Morning you two.”

His voice gives nothing away either. It's soft and caring with a hint of scepticism. He says nothing else and heads into the kitchen to turn on the same kettle Levi used last night. Speaking of which, the remnants of my drink should be ice blocks by now.

“You better be making tea.”

“You know I don't drink tea.”

Levi groans and kicks the blanket away from his legs leaving us both bare and vulnerable to let the cool air to nip at our skin. I audibly gasp and immediately scramble to pull the fabric back over my body.

Why did I decide to wear a t-shirt? I'm I that stupid?

He gets up and gives me a small look, but nothing major. I think he realized his mistake of removing the blanket so quickly.

I glance down and see some blood has soaked through the patch work Levi had done yesterday. I don't want Erwin to see me like this. I know he's a nice guy, but I'm scared of what he'll say. I used to think my father was a nice guy too and look how that turned out for me. People change on a dime and I can't trust anyone.

“I-I should change.”

More like 'I need an excuse to go into the bathroom to bandage my arm'. Levi opens his mouth, but Erwin cuts him off before he can say anything.

“I need to talk to you.”

That dreaded sentence.

For once, it's not aimed at me. I don't like the tone of Erwin's voice though. It's deep and serious. He's not mad is he? Is he mad at me or Levi? I don't want to stick around long enough to find out.

I grab my bag and scurry into the bathroom like a scared animal. I make sure to lock the door and sink down until I'm sitting on my ass with my back against the wooden frame. I packed a few bandages, but it's not much. I'll need to ask Levi if he has a medical kit whenever I grown the balls to say something.

The apartment falls silent for a moment as I work at unravelling the bloody fabric from my skin. It hurts whenever it gets stuck, but for the most part it comes of easily. I can hear voices on the other side of the door and I press my ear against it to listen.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Levi?”

“What?”

“Don't act stupid. Eren has a boyfriend, so why exactly did I wake up to fine you two like that?”

“We were just sleeping.”

“I'd like a little more of an explanation than that. ”

“Nothing happened, so you can calm down.”

That's not overly shocking. To any average person it would have looked like we hooked up for the night and fell asleep after fooling around. If only Erwin knew.

“You know I'm not like that, Erwin.”

“Then what's going on? You never seem to tell me anything.”

“Eren and his boyfriend broke up. He was upset about it so I invited him to stay with us for awhile. That's it”

“Then what's the reason for you sleeping together?”

Silence.

“Levi... I know you like him, but he needs time. You can't go jumping into bed with him after a breakup.”

“Just drop it.”

He what? Is that what all this is about?

“I'm not going to drop it. Tell me what the hell is going on.”

“I can't.”

“You're not making this easy.”

“I know.”

“I'm sure you have your reasons for staying quiet, but I'm not impressed with the situation.”

Another silence. I'm sure it's awkward for them, but I don't care anymore. Levi brought me here because he likes me. The reason behind him helping me is what? So he can get in my pants? Because I'm an easy catch?

Why else would Levi want to help a broken creature like me? I'm clinging to him, so why wouldn't he abuse that to his advantage?

I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. It was a bad idea to come here. It was an even worse idea to trust Levi enough to let him take me to his place.

Is that all I'm good for now? Just a toy to be thrown around and beaten until I have nothing left? Once Levi gets what he wants, then what will happen to me? He'll no doubt walk away and leave me a sobbing heap next to the curb where I belong.

I want out of this damn place.

There's a soft knock on the door and I know who it is before they speak. I hate the sound of his voice. I used to like it. I'm crying again and I hadn't realized the water works had started until they land on my skin. I figured my eyes would be dry at this point, but I've been proven wrong.

“Eren, you almost done?”

Stop faking. Stop this stupid little charade and leave me alone. Dump me back at Jean's place so I can finish what I started.

If I could find any strength at all, I'd be screaming right now. I'd tell Levi to get out of my life and storm out of his apartment into the streets. Instead, I'm rooted to the floor with my eyes fixed on nothing as I stare strait ahead. The door is locked, so Levi won't be coming in here for a long time.

“Eren?”

“Go away...”

My voice sounds raw and disgusting. It's still clogged with sleep and it makes it sound like I have a bunch of rocks in my throat.

“Eren, open the door.”

I don't move. And I'm not going to for awhile. If he wants me to come out so he can activate his little plan then he's sorely mistaken. I'll live in his bathroom from now on, I don't give a shit. I have everything I need.

“Is he okay?”

Erwin. Stupid, oblivious Erwin. He'll remain like that as long as Levi doesn't tell him anything. I'll give him thanks for that since I don't want my personal life spewed to people I barely know.

“He's fine... just upset.”

I'm more than upset you stupid ass hole. I'm pissed, I'm lost, tired, hurt, anything you can think of. I want to throw something against a wall or smash my head into the floor until my vision goes black. There's a bottle of bleach in the open cupboard and it looks awfully inviting. I won't do it though. I've heard that's a painful way to die.

“I'm heading to work... are you two going to be alright?”

“Yeah...”

He doesn't sound to sure of himself, and for good reasons.

I'm certain for someone as smart as Erwin, he can tell there's something going on. Soon, he'll forget about it. He will be gone for work and continue his day as usual. They say ignorance is bliss.

It must be nice.

Not too long after, there's the quiet sound of a door closing so I'm safe to assume Erwin has left. Makes me wish Levi was going to work so I could be left alone instead of worrying about what's going to happen. I'm done playing his stupid little game.

“Eren, please... just open the door.”

Stop pretending.

Stop sounding concerned and leave me alone already.

“I said go away...”

“Talk to me. What's wrong?”

More like what _isn't_ wrong?

I'm not going to sit here and listen to his voice. I'll take my chances on the street if it means not being around him. I know what he wants and I'm not going to be some pawn in his stupid little game of chess. It sounds scary to be on my own, but I'll get used to it. I'm used to being alone anyways.

I get to my feet and throw my backpack over my shoulder before turning to the door. I unlock it and open it to find Levi inches away from my face. He looks startled, which is a given. I find it amusing that I need to look down at him, but that small amount of humour passes in a matter of seconds as I push past him.

“What's wrong?”

Nothing. He doesn't deserve an answer.

“Where are you going?”

Nothing. I head for the door.

“You're leaving?”

Nothing.

“Eren, answer me!”

He grabs the back of my shirt and I instantly flinch, shoving him away from me with every last ounce of my strength. It's weak, but I manage to make him stumble back and let go.

I could care less that I'm still in my skanky ass t-shirt and shorts. I'm leaving this damn apartment even if I freeze to death as a result. I shouldn't get used to the warmth of indoors anyways.

“Eren-”

“S-stay away from me.”

I wanted that to come out sounding tough, but I sound like a preschooler getting bullied. There's no fight in my voice or my stance. I lost that a long time ago.

“What's wrong?”

He's been asking me that since I got out of the damn bathroom. He needs to leave well enough alone and move onto some other broken mess because I'm not falling for anymore of his innocent 'I'm trying to help you 'cause I'm a nice guy' tricks.

I wonder how long I'll last on my own.

“Why are you leaving?”

“You don't care... you never did...”

“What?”

If he wants me to spell it out for him, then I will. If that's the only way he'll let me go, then fine.

“I'm not some cheap whore you can pass around... so stop pretending you care.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You don't fucking care about me, that's what I'm talking about! That whole scene back at Jean's apartment was just to get me here, wasn't it?”

He furrows his brow, but says nothing. I'll scream and ramble all I want until he shuts me up.

“And what about last night? Were you hoping I would crawl into bed with you for a one night stand? You're a sick human being, Levi. If that's all you wanted, why waste your time on me?”

“That's not-”

“I heard Erwin. He said you like me, so was that you're whole reasoning behind this? Are you that desperate for a fuck?”

My eyes are watering again. I refuse to let anymore tears fall despite the dried ones on my cheeks. I'm trying so hard to hold them back while looking Levi in the face. He was my friend. I wanted to believe so badly that someone out there gave a shit about me because they actually cared.

“That's not what this is about.”

“Then what is it about, Levi? Why don't you enlighten me as to why you would waste your life with helping a pathetic piece of shit?”

“Don't say that.”

“Why not? You know it's true. I-I can't do anything right. I've fucked up every relationship I've ever had... I lied to my boyfriend, I'm addicted to hurting myself...”

And just like that, I'm back to clawing my arm. I look away from Levi for a short moment to catch my breath again. I'm pretty sure that was the most I've ever talked to him since we met in person. I wish the circumstances were different though.

I don't realize Levi is in front of me until his hand touches mine, guiding it away from my arm. He's done that before and I'm sure he'll need to do it several more times.

“It's true that I like you, Eren, but that's not the whole reason I'm helping you. I'm not here because I want you to sleep with me.”

“Then... why?”

“I don't want to lose you.”

I turn to leave only to have him tighten his grip on my hand. It's a stupid answer. One that anyone could have said. I'm nothing special so there's no reasoning behind his actions. If I was ugly or unlikable, would he still be here?

“Eren, please-”

“Let me go.”

It feels like I'm contradicting myself. Just a few moments ago it felt like I couldn't bare to live without someone close to me, yet here I am desperately wanting to be alone.

To be honest, I don't know what I want anymore.

“I'll explain everything. Please... just stay.”

Why am I even listening to him? He could be lying. Sure, he could explain his intention, but how do I know they're real? Nothing is stopping him from lying to my face.

I could always leave after he explains himself. I'm not obligated to stay here so it won't hurt to hear him out, right? Even if it is a stupid excuse.

I let my bag drop from my shoulder onto the floor and release the air from my lungs. I hadn't realized I'd been holding in my breath. Levi's hand is still gasping mine like he had last night and I hate myself for finding the slightest amount of comfort in that.

My slow nod is a good enough answer. We don't say anything while he guides me back to the couch, not once letting go of my hand. The blankets have lost their warmth from before and now I'm mad at myself for letting my guard down and sleeping against Levi like a toddler. Regardless, I sit next to him and wrap the blanket around my body to protect myself from his stares.

I hear him sigh beside me and reach out to take the picture I'd discovered last night. He sets the frame in my lap and I give him a questionable look. Why exactly do I need it?

“I've never told anyone about this... not even Erwin. But, if I means you'll understand then I'll tell you.”

I remain quiet and glance down at the picture once again. Something tells me what he's about to explain involves them. What worries me even more is that he hasn't even told his best friend about this. Of course, he could be lying, but I'll have to wait.

“I'll start from the beginning...”

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Levi's POV so it's easier to explain stuff. This may be the only switch in POV.  
> Thank you all for reading!

[Levi POV]

 

...I'll start from the beginning.

I grew up in what most would call a sketchy neighbourhood. It was a part of the city where drugs and gang violence seemed to be a regular thing. Everyone was poor and most of the time, you had to steal to get by. Food was hard to come by without having yourself nearly beat to death for it.

I'm an only child. I grew up with my mother and father in a house that looked more like a glorified shack. Unfortunately, the father I knew wasn't my birth father. Apparently he left before I was born and I never knew who he was. My mother married a couple years after I was born so I learned to treat the man like my new father.

He worked a lot to help as much as he could while my mother stayed home to take care of me and to cook and clean. She was a hard working woman from what I remember. Not a day went by where she didn't exhaust herself.

Life continued like that until I turned 10. My mother fell ill and was bed ridden while my father continued to work. She could barely move and lost so much weight in such a short period of time. I did what I could to help with the housework, but it was never good enough. I had no idea how to cook and my cleaning skills were lacklustre at best.

We were too poor to afford medication and neither me nor my father had any idea what her illness was, nor could we afford the tests to check. We couldn't do anything but hope she could get better on her own, but with each passing day she looked more and more frail.

My father continued to work so he could put food on the table and pay for my schooling while I watched my mother die. I tried to convince him to stop sending me to school and pay to have her hospitalized, but he never listened. My mother backed him up on that. She said she wanted me to have a good future, to have me grow up as a smart young man and she wasn't worth the money.

Eventually, she got too sick to speak and died shortly after that. My father came home that night and buried her in the backyard. We couldn't afford anything else. He didn't look at all upset when he laid her body in the ground. I suppose he knew this day would come right after she got sick.

A couple years later, I met Farlan. He was a neighbourhood kid I had no idea existed.

Over the span of those couple years, the gang violence in the area had gone down, so children were more free to play outside without being beat up or killed for no reason. The place was still dirty, but slightly more enjoyable.

He ran up to me while I was sitting on the front step of our house and insisted I play soccer with him because he was bored as hell. For some reason, I accepted.

Isabel came into the picture a few months after that. She was being picked on by a group of boys who Farlan and I made into a bloody pulp. I wasn't expecting any sort of friendship to bloom from that, but she ended up following us around and even started calling me 'big bro'. I never much cared for the nickname, but it grew on me after awhile.

Not long after, my father disappeared for no reason. He left in the morning to 'go to work' and I never saw him again.

He had nothing left.

It was no shock that he abandoned me. Our home was a shit box, my mother was dead and he was left with a silent, spiteful child he had no idea how to raise.

Apparently my mother had left behind some money to help put me through high school. I hated knowing she stashed away all she had just for me; even though she could have saved herself if she'd used it. I did what she would have wanted and continued with school.

I lived on my own in the old house and learned to cook with what skills I had, and cleaning came naturally after some time. I wanted to be the kind of boy my mother would have wanted me to be. I found the motivation to get up every day and act like I was fine.

Farlan and Isabel would come by every now and then to help with the housework. They were never the best at being neat and tidy, but I appreciated the help. They helped take care of me to some extent. They knew about my parents and Farlan would sometimes volunteer to let me copy his homework when he knew I was too busy to finish it. We became a small family of sorts.

Like me, they were both poor, but at least they had some kind of parental figure looking after them. I envied them in a way.

Not long after all three of us finished grade 7, Farlan and Isabel started dating. It didn't surprise me at all. The two of them would always give each other these looks. The amount of affection Farlan had in his eyes whenever he looked at her was almost sickening. I'll admit, they were cute together. Farlan treated her like gold and she loved every second of it. I didn't mind the amount of cuddling and kissing they did around me, so long as they weren't fucking on my couch.

We all started high school together, which was the same year Isabel's mother passed away. She didn't have a father. She told me he died when she was little and never got to know him. She seemed to handle the death well considering how emotionally attached she gets to people. She told me she was alright and we moved on.

It wasn't until the middle of our freshman year that everything turned to shit.

It started on March 16th. It was the first day of March break and a group of 'cool kids' were having a BYOB party. All of us went out a pure boredom and for the sake of getting hammered.

Isabel went home early while Farlan and I stuck around. He hit it off with a group of guys who discovered he was a god when it game to beer pong. Me on the other hand, I hooked up with a guy and screwed around a little in one of the upstairs bedrooms.

Needless to say, I came back down and couldn't find Farlan anywhere. I wanted to watch the guy to make sure he didn't drink himself stupid, but I'd been getting tired of watching him beat everyone at drinking games. I figured he left and decided to go back home. It wasn't until the next morning that I found out where he was.

He'd left with that same group and their car was found in a ditch a few miles away along with a 4x4 truck. No one made it out alive.

I had to hear the news from Isabel who came to my place screaming and crying on the verge of going insane. I didn't know what to do. Farlan was practically a brother to me. I couldn't do much for Isabel but sit next to her with a box of tissues to try and calm her down.

I felt like someone had stabbed me in the gut. Everything felt like my fault. Before she left the party, Isabel told me to keep an eye on him. She meant it as a joke at the time, but I knew from the start she was worried since Farlan was never a big drinker.

I didn't cry. I didn't let myself cry. I wanted to be a rock and keep my shit together so I could help Isabel through everything. The past few months hadn't been kind to her.

It didn't surprise me that she never showed up to school. I made an effort to get up, even if I never paid attention to anything the teachers said. I didn't want my mother's money to go to waste.

When Isabel didn't show up for a week, I started to get concerned. I called her that night and knew right away something was wrong. She didn't sound like herself. She sounded on the verge of tears and I could barely hear her. For the first time in my life, I was terrified.

I hung up and ran to her house. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, but I didn't care. I was gasping and panting by the time I reached her place.

I was in panic mode.

The whole house was empty and pitched black. It looked as if no one had lived here for a long time. When I called out for her, no one answered. There was no way she could disappear after I had just spoken to her.

I went upstairs and found her in her room. She was on her bed, curled up and unresponsive to anything I said. There was a sinking feeling in my stomach when she remained still when I touched her. Then I saw the glass; the bloody glass next to her on the bed. She sheets were stained with it, and the large gashes along her wrists were the cause.

I screamed.

I let myself break down. I didn't care if anyone heard me, and I didn't care if I lost my voice. I called her name over and over again as if that would do something and make her breathe again.

I held her and let myself cry for the first time. Her once bright teal eyes were dulled and her skin was going cold. The fact it still had some warmth to it brought the tears faster. Everything was my fault. I should have looked after Farlan and I should have been there for Isabel. I never should have believed her when she said she was okay.

They were more than my friends. They grew to become my family; the only people I trusted and cared about. And I had no one to blame but myself for losing them.

Life at school got worse after that. A guy from the party decided to open his trap about me hooking up with another guy and in a matter of days, the whole school knew I was gay. I never thought of it as a big deal, but being one of the only gay guys I the school, I was targeted down. I couldn't seem to walk anywhere without having someone shove me into the wall or call me some creative slur.

I've never been a tall person, and the permanent scowl on my face gave everyone more to make fun of. I did a good job at ignoring everyone and accepting whatever beating they had ready for that day. The innocent name calling eventually turned into fist fights and bloody noses. I was fairly strong for my age, but I lacked in height.

I turned to drugs in order to cope. I was considering hurting myself physically, but after seeing Isabel like that, I couldn't bring myself to break my own skin. I took whatever street drug I could get my hands on, and I didn't care what happened. I felt awful. It felt like everyone I'd ever loved were watching me ruin my life and become a pathetic human being.

My life continued like that until I reached grade 11. I have no clue how I passed any grades, unless the teachers were tired of me and wanted to get me out of their class.

Mike, One of the jocks in the school, decided it was his turn to pick a fight with me. I'd seen him a couple times out playing football and rugby so I knew he was strong. I barely knew what hit me until I was on the floor with a bloody lip and black eye. It hurt like hell, I'm not going to lie. I tried my best to glare at him before running out of the school.

I wanted to give up. I didn't see a point in being around if I had nothing left. Once I finished high school I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.

That's when I met Erwin.

The same day Mike beat the piss out of me, Erwin found me outside. He sat down next to me and the first thing I did was punch him square in the jaw. I'd seen him around Mike before. It was obvious they were friends so I didn't see a reason for him to come over unless he wanted to fuck with me. I figured my violent tendencies would be enough to deter him.

I was proven wrong when he came back the next day to sit beside me in the caf. I wanted to hit him again, but I paused when he offered me an apology. I had no idea what to think and I'm sure the look on my face was nothing short of stupid.

He kept coming back every day after that to sit with me and turned down anyone else who wanted to hang around him. I won't deny that I felt safe around him and I learned he wasn't hanging out with me to screw with my life. Everyone in the damn school idolized Erwin to some extent, so having every guy shove me around was brought to a minimum.

Somewhere along the line I fell for him, but after learning he was as straight as they come, I was able to be around him without developing any further romantic feelings.

He distracted me enough to help me cut down on the drugs to have enough money to finish high school. I didn't tell him about my life until he found out for himself after graduation. We'd walked back to my place and he saw the sorry state of my living conditions. Sure, it was clean but there was a lack of everything else.

Erwin offered I stay with him. His parents bought him an apartment near the area and I figured it would be better living with him than alone in a run down shack. His parents were cool with the idea and even helped me pay my share of the rent until I found a job.

I worked at a boring ass grocery store for two full years until I had enough money to attend college. It just so happens both Erwin and I found a program we liked at the same place. We decided it would be easier to stay in residence instead of driving back and forth. Our lease ended with the apartment and we moved to Cliton for the fall.

At the end of my first year, Eren came into my life.

Besides Erwin, I didn't have many close friends. Part of me was scared to let someone get to know me on a personal level or that I'd lose them the same way I lost Farlan and Isabel.

In the beginning, most of mine and Eren's dialogue consisted of insults and stupid comments yet... I found it amusing. Erwin would laugh every once in awhile when he overheard us, but he never joined in the action. There was something about the way he would respond to me that was unlike most people. Others would get insulted or snap back and tell me to shut up. Yet this kid had more spunk than I gave him credit for.

He told me to add him and I did.

Needless to say I was more than a little thrilled that someone added me on the stupid game. It would give me something to do between classes and give me someone to tease, even if they were online.

Soon, the small in-game interactions I was having with Eren turned into full blown texting and Skype calls. After every one, I grew to like him more and more. I would get excited walking back from class, looking forward to camping myself at my desk to talk to him or to hear the sound of his voice.

And then there was the video call.

That changed more than I care to admit. It was nothing major, but after the moment I saw his face I knew I was done for.

He was cute.

I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I liked him. Simple as that. He had the most gorgeous eyes and the chestnut brown hair framing his rounded face just completed the picture. I couldn't deny anything I was feeling in that moment.

What made everything harder was knowing he had a boyfriend. Also, that he could be on the other side of the world so there was no point getting my hopes up. It's not like I had a chance.

One thing lead to another and we both learned how close we lived to each other. The words left my mouth before I could stop them. I'd practically asked him out on a date, and to my surprise- he accepted. I know it wasn't because he liked me the way I did him. He saw us as friends and nothing more. Not that I mind. I wasn't there to mess up his relationship or try to convince him I was better than the guy he was with.

Our first meeting out together ended better than I expected and I knew I could continue seeing him as a friend. I enjoyed talking to him even if he didn't say much. He didn't seem to mind me rambling on about nothing or complaining about some of the odd things that happen in college. He would give me this innocent smile as if telling me to go on- so I did. He soaked up everything I said like a sponge. If he found me annoying, he didn't show it.

The next time I saw him in person was when he helped Erwin and I move. He was so adorably innocent that it hurt. The next thing I knew, I'd spewed something from my mouth before I registered I said it.

_You're lucky you're cute._

I was mentally punching myself for being so stupid. I could see Eren in the corner of my eye giving me an odd look while I stared straight ahead as if I'd said nothing at all.

I figured I could be around him without falling for him, but I was dead wrong. I grew to like him more and more, and somewhere down the road those feelings of friendship turned to full blown affection.

Erwin caught on when I got back from dropping Eren back at his place. He was leaning against the counter with a smug look on his face wiggling his eyebrows in a weirdly suggestive manner. It was pretty obvious I liked the kid, but I could never get close to him because he was already with someone else. Erwin knew that too.

I got a call from Eren that same night while I was laying on my bed sketching out a million pictures of one animal for my most recent assignment. I found it weird that Eren would be calling me instead of sending the usual text, but I wasn't going to complain. I needed a good distraction from staring at the graphite smudged along the paper.

There's no way I can describe to you what I felt in that moment. It felt like deja vu. I figured it had to be a joke, or the world was fucking with me to see how I'd react. But there was no way the pain in Eren's voice was fake.

I needed to go to him. He wanted to die and that scared the everliving hell out of me. I needed him to stay on the phone so I could make sure he was okay, but the moment he hung up I started to panic.

Erwin knew something was wrong when I ran out of the place nearly in tears. I didn't have time to answer him and he gave up following me the moment I got into the car. The whole ride to Eren's apartment all I could see was Isabel. I remember the amount of blood covering her bed ad the deep cuts in her wrists. Now those bright blue eyes were Eren's.

He'd told me his room number earlier that day so I knew exactly where to go. I kept trying to call him over and over again, but he wouldn't pick up. I was terrified I was too late. I didn't want to open the door to find him dead.

I reached his room and entered as fast as humanly possible. I saw him on the ground and my heart finally started beating again the moment I saw him lift his eyes. The bathroom was in terrible shape, but I didn't care. I held him as if he would turn to sand and disappear. And for the second time in my life, I let myself cry.

Eren was alive.

 


	19. Chapter 19

I'm left in complete silence. It's not uncomfortable, but it's the result of me not knowing what to say. Levi has just finished explaining the entirety of his life and I can't even manage to squeeze out one word. I doubt he left out any details, or if he did, they weren't necessary.

I feel a need to apologize to him for more than one reason. I yelled at him. I wanted to push him away because I felt like he didn't give a shit about me. I want to apologize for having him explain everything and bring up old memories in order for me to calm down and understand.

He has a look of emptiness on his face and he's just as quiet as I am right now. I'm curled up on the couch beside him, still holding the picture frame between my fingers. To think someone has happy as Isabel could turn to suicide is nearly unbelievable.

Everything is falling into place now. When Levi said he knew people like me, he was talking about his friends. We may not have had a lot in common, but the end result was still the same. The only difference is Isabel did what I couldn't.

What Erwin said before makes sense now too. Why Levi was seen with friends in his freshman year and suddenly they never returned. It looks like them changing schools wasn't the reason for that. Erwin was kept in the dark this whole time.

It's not just his friends who were like me. Levi knows what it's like to grow up without parents. His mother died when he was little, and both our fathers abandoned us and we were left to claw our way to the surface again. Yet, why is he so much stronger than me? Am I just a pathetic human being?

I set the frame back on the table and Levi gives me a small glance. Now that I've heard everything, I'm sure he's expecting me to bolt out of the apartment and never talk to him again. I settle back onto the couch and pick nervously at my fingernails.

I'm an awful person, aren't I? I must have scared Levi half to death when I called him saying I want to die. I wish I could take it back, but I've never wanted to end everything so badly in my life. Everything felt pointless and there was no silver lining; no light at the end of the tunnel.

“I-I'm sorry.”

There it is. The apology I wanted to get out so badly. I apologize way too much, but that's all I seem to be able to do. I'm always apologizing for the way I act and how disgustingly weak I am.

“You don't need to apologize to me. Nothing about my past is your fault.”

I let my eyes fall back to the picture on the table. From what I can tell, this is Levi's only reminder of who they were. He has his memories of course, but those fade over time.

I know better than anyone. Even now, I can barely remember what Mikasa looks like, and I would have lost the image of my mother a long time ago if it hadn't been for the picture I keep stashed away in my bag.

“I just wanted you to understand why I can't turn my back on you. I know it may seem selfish on my part, but I care about you, Eren. I don't want to see you hurt. I'm not trying to help you because of my own issues in the past.”

“W-why do you care about me?”

I haven't known him for a very long time, yet he's doing so much for me.

“You're a good kid. I don't know what you've been through, but I know you deserve better than this.”

I don't know about that. I've made too many mistakes in my life and now they're coming back to haunt me. This is what I get for lying. Karma is a bitch I guess.

“Besides Erwin, you're the only person I consider a friend. You already know I like you and I'm not asking for you to return that. All I'm asking is that you give me a chance to help.”

I'm starting to think he can't help. What can Levi do for me that Jean couldn't do before? I still hurt myself, I still smoke, and my life is still a piece of shit.

“C-can I ask you something?”

He goes silent and turns to me, but I don't meet his eyes. I'm too busy focusing my attention on my nails. I remember I used to let Mikasa paint them when she was bored.

“I-if you were in Jean's position... would you have left?”

Saying that sentence hurts more than I can describe. Hypothetically, if Levi had been my boyfriend, would he have stayed after discovering my secrets? Would he have left me alone to cry myself to sleep after finding out I lied about everything over the past three years?

“Why did he leave?”

I never explained everything. I told him I lied and I fucked up, but that's it. That should be enough information. I sniffle softly and rub my eyes with the back of my hand. There's moisture brimming on the edge and I refuse to let it run down my cheeks.

“I lied to him...”

Will it be okay to tell Levi? No one else will hear this but him so the emptiness of the apartment is quite comforting. But if he realizes I can't be trusted, will he stay?

“I-I told him I stopped hurting myself...a-and he found my things.”

Razors. The same dulled blades that are sitting in my backpack right now just waiting for me to use them. Waiting for me to get bored or upset so I can slide them across my skin.

“He said... I didn't trust him...a-and...”

There's a gentle touch against my chin and I find Levi guiding my eyes up to look at him. I must look like a mess. I can't go one day without having a mental breakdown.

“No. I never would have left you.”

“But... I can't be trusted...”

“That has nothing to do with it. Self harm isn't something you talk about openly. I know for a fact Isabel trusted me with her life, yet she never told me anything. You don't tell your secrets to the people you love because you don't want them to worry.”

“I-I wanted him to be happy.”

More tears. So much for my refusal to cry.

That's all I wanted to do. I didn't want Jean to concern himself with me. All I wanted was for him to come home after work so I could fall asleep in his arms. I wanted to see his goofy smile or hear him laugh whenever he would playfully pin me and press kisses along my neck.

All of that seems like a dream now.

“He said he wanted me to tell him the truth... he didn't want me lying to him-”

“I understand why he was upset, relationships are about trust and you broke that. But that's no reason to leave.”

Maybe it's not about the trust. Maybe Jean realized I was more trouble than I was worth. Having someone to come home too doesn't outweigh all of my issues. He found out I was too broken. Me lying to him was just his ticket out in the easiest way possible.

“I'm not worth it, Levi... I-I shouldn't be here.”

He has too many things to worry about. He doesn't need my emotional issues piled up on top of everything else. He'll need to go back to work, so how does he expect to help me when I'm going to be alone again just like before.

“Yes you are.”

I don't believe him.

“But I can't help you if you're not willing to fight for yourself. I'm asking you to try. I can give everything I have, but it will mean nothing if you give up on me.”

He's asking me to try just like Jean, and we all know how well that ended. Keeping myself alive sounds like a chore. What do I have left? I have no job, no home, no family, so why am I here taking up space?

I don't know how Levi can help me, but he seems to think he can. How does he expect to stop me from hurting myself if he has a life of his own? He'll be gone most of the day once he starts working again. I'm sure helping me is only temporary.

“I-I don't want to be alone.”

I screw my eyes shut and let my head fall against my chest. I need someone with me. Whenever I'm alone I'm left to think about all the stupid things I've done and how my life could have been different if I hadn't messed up so many times. I'm left with memories of the person I was and the people I loved.

“You won't be alone, Eren. I'll take a few days off work to stay with you.”

A few? That's it? Does he expect me to heal within record time?

“You'll be alright.”

I hope he's right. I want to believe him so badly, but the void in my chest says otherwise. I'll take baby steps. One day at a time. I'll need to learn to crawl before I can walk. Levi will be my crutch.

I crack my eyes open to stare down at my arms and the horrid sight of the bloodied bandages. I would love for there to be a time when I see nothing but clear skin, but it's far too damaged for that to happen. The cuts are deep and the scars won't heal.

I'd forgotten about my initial plan to go into the bathroom and redress them. Not to mention the sorry excuse for bandages I have stashed in the bottom of my bag. I have the typical plastic bandages. Nothing nearly big enough to cover the hideous marks.

This will be my first baby step.

“C-can you... help me?”

I hold my arms out a little to let him know what I mean. I know I can dress them myself, but this is me making an attempt to try. And seeing as both my arms are mutilated to hell, it would be easier with an extra set of hands.

I never let anyone help.

Levi did that once, but I never wanted him to. It was uncomfortable having someone so close to my scars and being able to touch them or to see how deeply I hurt myself. Now I'm outright asking him to.

Thankfully, he doesn't make a big deal about it and simply nods, brushing my bangs out of my eyes before disappearing into the bathroom for a few seconds. He doesn't have a first aid like Jean does, but it looks like he made a makeshift one from a cardboard box.

He sits down in front of me, and it wasn't too long ago that he did the exact same thing, only under completely different circumstances.

I watch him shuffle things around in the box as if that simple action hold some sort of interest to me. I’m mesmerized by everything he does, and I bet that’s thanks to my terrible attention span. He takes my arm to unwrap the bandage, revealing the crusted wounds and dried blood peppering my skin. It looks disgusting. I hate looking at it, but that's reality for you.

Levi's expression barely changes at all. If anything, there's a hint of sadness to his features, but nothing else. He brushes a damp wipe across my arm and after a few passes, it clears away most of the blood. It stings a little, but it's nothing I'm not used to.

“Eren... can you promise me something?”

Depends.

I've never been good at keeping my promises. I break them all the time and then lie about it. I'm a pathetic excuse of a person. No wonder everyone leaves me.

All I do is offer him a blank stare. I can't commit to anything. If he asks me to stay breathing for the next five minutes, I still can't promise him I will.

“Can you promise that if you ever feel like hurting yourself, you'll come talk to me?”

I wish he was joking. How am I supposed to open up to him if I couldn't with anyone else? What does he expect me to say? 'Hi, Levi. I feel like slicing open my arm today. Just thought I'd tell you that.'

It's stupid.

“I-I'll try.”

Trying is all I seem to do, but I never get very far. My hardest is never good enough. I could offer up my mind and soul, and the world would still find some way to want more. I'm being whittled down until there's nothing left. It's almost pathetic watching Levi attempt to salvage the scraps.

His eyes meet mine and there's a hint of scepticism in his gaze. He doesn't trust me and my simple answer. I didn't promise him anything and that's what he was looking for. I know he's seen this before. He's known someone who's taken their own life, but nothing about that makes my situation any easier. If he's expecting me to go to him every time I feel like pressing a blade to my skin, then he's going to be severely disappointed.

Levi's hands work gingerly to bandage my arms into a better state. The gauze is crisp and white which is yet to be stained over time. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

What a sight this would be if Erwin came in right now. He left a few hours ago, so I doubt I'll need to worry about him making an unexpected appearance. There's a terrifying thought in the back of my mind that he'll kick me out of their place once he finds out what a broken lunatic I am.

I need to make a mental note never to wear t-shirts ever again. I only have a few and I only ever wore them when I was alone. I'd feel proud of myself if I could go a day without cutting and that would be a pathetic celebration of sorts. Then my mind would wander and I would be forced back into long sleeves.

I hope Levi realizes cutting isn't my only problem. He doesn't seem as up tight about my smoking habit, but I'm sure that's because he smokes himself. Not to mention my insomnia, my clingy behaviour and my random ass mood swings.

The last of the bandage is fastened around my wrist and I'm left to stare blankly at the floor. My eyes aren't fixed on anything in particular, but I'm starting to find weird patterns in the hardwood. Simple things amuse simple minds.

The couch sinks in next to me where Levi has managed to situate himself yet again. I can feel the heat radiating from his body and I have no clue how someone can stay that warm. I'm normally freezing and need twenty layers on to keep in any heat. I won't lie when I say I lean into him to steal some of it.

“Do you have to go back to work?”

It's selfish of me to think Levi can neglect his life and focus on me. He has an apartment and car to pay for, but I'm scared to be alone for more than a couple hours. I can only occupy myself with my laptop for so long.

“I'd stay here with you every day if I could.”

I can physically feel him deflate after his comment. If everything in the world was free, life would be ten times easier. Money complicates things.

“I won't be working all the time, and I'm sure Erwin wouldn't mind keeping you company”

That's better than nothing...maybe.

I don't want to sound mean, but spending time with Erwin isn't my idea of fun. Sitting in the living room engaging in small talk sounds pretty dull. I don't see what I could possibly have in common with such a large, well off man. His life sounds like the complete opposite of mine and I'd rather not hear him ramble on about how great his childhood was, or how many great memories he has of high school.

I'll only make Levi feel bad if I tell him I'm scared to be here without him. The last thing I want is for him to give up working to look after my pathetic ass, even if it will benefit me more than anything. I also don't want to make it sound like I hate Erwin. He seems nice and all, but not exactly the kind of person I can talk to easily.

I sigh quietly and lean into him further to rest my head on his shoulder. His shirt is warm and soft with the exact same scent as last night. I won't get used to it. He'll be expecting me to sleep on my own after awhile, and not have me curled up to him like a puppy scared in a thunderstorm.

I'll need to enjoy the few days I have before Levi needs to go back to his usual lifestyle. Even if we both stayed here together on the couch it would be good enough for me. It's barely past lunch time and my eyes are starting to feel heavy again, so a nap together doesn't sound bad at all.

I let my eyes flutter shut while I wrap my arms around my legs to pull them closer to me. It's my weird way of forming a protective shell. Maybe it'll help me sleep.

“I know you don't want to be alone, but I'll make it up to you.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

It's only been two days since I started living with Levi and Erwin and I'm starting to feel like less of a misfit in their apartment. Levi did what he said and took a couple days off work to stay with me, which consisted of sleeping and unpacking the rest of the boxes. I know that may not sound like fun to a lot of people, but it gave me something to occupy my brain.

My arms are healing well and I went the two full days without making a single cut. That doesn't seem like much, but I'm used to ruining my skin everyday. I have Levi to thank for distracting me.

I was even able to help out with small tasks like making dinner. I'm used to cooking and cleaning, but it was still an accomplishment for me to get up and do something with myself. I made another achievement by eating that day. I hadn't eaten a single thing since before Jean and I broke up which only served to decrease my level of ambition.

Both Erwin and Levi helped me feel more at home despite me not belonging here. I claimed the couch as a bed and Levi would stay with me until I fell asleep. That didn't stop me from waking up after a couple hours and feeling lost again. Instead of cutting, I returned to smoking.

That habit is costing me quite a bit. I don't have much money left and I still don't feel like going back to work. I hate my job and I can't bring myself to look any of the workers in the eyes without thinking of my life with Jean.

I can't stop myself from thinking about him no matter how hard I try. A long term relationship isn't something you can get over in a couple days... if you're like me anyway. I wish memories were something you could erase.

It's now the third day and I'm in my usual spot on the couch. My laptop is on the desk, but it's cycling through the screen saver after I neglected it for so long. I used to be amused by watching the bubbles bounce off the sides of the screen and now it holds no interest. Instead I settle with staring out one of the large windows behind the couch to watch the raindrops slide down the glass.

I hate rain.

I hate what it reminds me off and how bad a mood I can get in when a single grey cloud rolls overhead. I hate it even more when I'm alone.

Both Levi and Erwin are gone living their own lives. I was left alone this morning and nearly started crying when the door closed behind them. How pathetic would it be for Levi to drag some annoying ass kid to his work like he's babysitting? I'm an adult yet I need to be babied.

I haven't moved much since they left. I haven't eaten, I've barely so much as breathed and now I'm staring off in a trance at the sky. I've smoked more today than I have in while and I can feel my lungs practically burning in my chest. If every day alone is going to be like this, then I'll look like death within the next week.

I'm starting to shake and it isn't because I'm cold. I'm scared Levi won't come back. I shouldn't be worried this much, but when he told me he would be back by 5 o'clock, I expected him to be walking through the front door at 5 o'clock. My heart is sinking lower in my chest now that the time has passed 5:30. What if something happened? He hasn't texted me or called, so what am I supposed to think? I started a mad texting frenzy after 5pm and he hasn't so much as opened any of the messages.

My mind is starting to wander and that's a dangerous thing. I'm starting to see pictures of Levi in a ditch, or seeing an unknown man threatening his life. He could be hurt or dying and I'm sitting here inside being completely oblivious and useless.

I let out a small sob and reach of my backpack only to hear a small thump at the door. My stomach nearly comes up my throat when I hear Levi cursing on the other side. The air seems to return to my lungs and I kick my bag back beside the couch before quickly wiping my eyes and nearly knocking my stupid ass glasses off my face. I hope he doesn't smell all the smoke clinging to my clothes either.

The door clicks open and I keep my eyes locked on it until I see Levi's head peak in like he has something to hide. I can barely see his neck and the top of his [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/kitlevi/set?id=166524566) with the way he's positioned himself. It's like what my parents used to do when I was getting dressed for school and they would poke their head into my room to see if I was ready.

I offer him a small smile and he returns it almost instantly. I cross my legs on the couch and give him a questionable look when he keeps himself hidden by the door. Is the apartment too dirty for him or something?

“Eren, can you close your eyes for a second?”

What is this, some kind of game?

“Why?”

“Just humour me.”

I pout lightly, but do as he says and close my eyes. The moment I do, I can hear him stumbling into the apartment as if it's his first day on legs. I'm tempted to peak, though that will earn me an unimpressed look and no doubt a little scolding. I don't see why I need to close my eyes in the first place.

“Can I open them yet?”

“No.”

Plain and simple. I would expect nothing less from him.

There isn't much noise to give away what he's doing. There's a soft thump of him putting something down, but I have no clue what it is. I didn't see him leave here this morning with anything but a plastic bag for his work shoes. Unless, this is something he's embarrassed about and doesn't want me to see. God only knows what Levi spends his money on. Maybe it's better if I don't peak.

_Meow_

Nothing stops the small gasp from escaping my lips. Fuck this, I'm opening my eyes.

“Well, so much for the surprise.”

I blink a few times to clear the fog out of my vision and find Levi near the door hunched over a small crate. There's no way in hell he bought a cat, did he? This is the perfect example of feeling like a kid on Christmas morning. Another small meow comes from the crate and I can feel my eyes light up and a smile tug at the corners of my lips.

Levi manages to pull out a fluffy grey [kitten](http://www.motbc.com/crystalfjord/Litter39/stella_kitten_blue_silver_white_w6_02web.jpg) in his arms before making his way over to me. My hands are pressed to my mouth in utter shock as he sets the kitten on my lap. My whole body is shaking, but for a good reason this time I drop one of my hands to stroke the soft fur across it's cheek while it leans into my touch with a quiet purr.

It meows softly again and bumps it's head into the front of my [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/kiteren/set?id=166330809) in a silent demand for more attention. I can't help but give what it wants. I can't find any words on the tip of my tongue. All I can do is glance at Levi with wide eyes waiting for him to explain why he suddenly had an urge to buy a cat.

“I figured you could use some company.”

What? That was his reason?

There's heat flooding to my cheeks and warmth spreading through the rest of my body. I think this is the first time I've actually smiled in a long time. All the worry overflowing in my chest is suddenly gone. I won't be alone anymore. I'll have this hyperactive ball of fluff to watch.

“His name is Max. And he's all yours now.”

He's mine. Levi bought this little thing for me? I've never owned a pet in my life. Our neighbours always had dogs running around, and even when I was little my family couldn’t afford so much as a beta fish. Now I finally have a pet of my own.

I'm not going to lie, I feel guilty or having Levi blowing his money on me like this. He knew I didn't want to be alone, and it seems as though this is his way of making it up to me. I never would have expected him to get me a kitten in a million years.

“Y-you didn't have to-”

“Think of it as an early birthday present.”

“My birthday is in March.”

“Then it's an early Christmas present.”

Never mind the fact it's only the middle of May.

I blush a little harder and turn back to the bundle of fur curled up in my lap. He's staring up at me with his big green eyes and nuzzling his nose into the fabric of my shirt. I run my hand across it's back and I can hardly believe it's real.

“Thank you, Levi.”

My heart is fluttering in my chest and I'm feeling genuine happiness I never thought I'd feel again. Levi did this for me. He went out of his way to get me something to make me feel better. Maybe he really does care.

“I-I promise I'll look after him. You won't have to do anything.”

It's funny to think Levi would get a long haired cat of all things. Bushing it will be a must if he doesn't want cat hair on every inch of the apartment. I don't mind. I want to keep this little guy as fluffy and clean as possible. Speaking of which, I don't have a brush for him.

“Feel like a shopping trip tomorrow?”

That came from nowhere.

“I picked up a few things today, but we'll need to get more food for him.”

I perk up again and nod, hugging the kitten closer to my chest. Too much time has passed since I've been outside, or out in public in general. The world beyond this apartment is foreign to me now. Life outside the window is all I can see, which consists of many buildings and the tips of tree tops. Getting some fresh air would do me some good.

“We can head into town when I get back from work tomorrow. Sound like a plan?”

I nod again with a small noise. I already have a list growing in my head of things I want to get. Max will need a collar with a little bell so I always know where he is. Toys are a must, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind a fresh bed or a scratching post. I could care less if the last of my money is spent on this little guy.

“Will you be back by 5?”

“I should be.”

I lower my eyes in hopes that he didn't see the amount of concern in them. Max has fallen asleep on my lap so I focus on keeping myself still so I don't wake him up.

“What's wrong?”

Damn. My mood can change on a dime. Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy about the kitten, but my mind is piling up with other things and reminding me of how shitty I felt this morning after I was left alone.

“You were late today...”

More than just a couple minutes. I would have been fine if he came back shortly after 5, but a half hour made me start to have a panic attack. The reason for him being late is pretty obvious now, but the least he could have done is sent me a text. That would have stopped me from getting that horrible feeling in my gut and nearly breaking my skin again.

“I took a little longer with getting the cat.”

“Why didn't you call?”

“My phone died.”

That sounds like a terrible excuse.

I look up to meet his eyes after he brushes a strand of stray hair behind my ear. I suppose you could consider my whole head a bunch of stray hairs. No matter how many times I brush it, it seems to stick up in every direction. There's no point in trying to tame it.

“I'm sorry if I worried you. I'll come straight home next time.”

It's hard to stay mad at him. I nod and forgive him, hoping to forget about the whole thing.

He's learning for himself how anxious I am or how attached I get to people. I assume the worst of a bad situation and it makes my head hurt. My imagination goes on a rampage and one thing leads to another. Everything normally ends with me being upset.

Max nuzzles closer to my stomach and purrs quietly while I continue to glide my fingers down his back. It'll be a nice change to have an animal running around and knowing there's someone else in the apartment besides me. Music helps give that illusion, but it's not the same as having someone with you.

There's a gentle touch against my shoulder and I look back at Levi who's raised his eyebrow at me. I stare blankly at him until he finally opens his mouth.

“And since when do you wear glasses?”

I blush a little and turn away from him, scrambling to pull the giant glasses off my face. In doing so, I manage to scare Max, who jumps off my lap and onto the table to stare at me with an unamused look.

“I-I... sorry.”

What am I apologizing for?

Levi has never seen me with my glasses on. I don't wear them very often and there's a good reason for that. I don't need them to see, but they help stop headaches. I try to avoid wearing them unless I'm alone since I'm used to people commenting on how stupid I look.

I made the mistake of wearing them to work once, and Connie said I looked like Harry Potter. I know he meant it as a joke, but it didn't stop me from taking the comment it badly and feeling like shit for the rest of the day. I ripped those things off my face so fast I nearly broke them.

“I-I know they're dorky... but I need them.”

“They're not dorky.”

“Yes they are. They make me look stupid.”

I sound like a whiny child. The logical thing to do is to find a pare that I like, but the problem is I hate how I look in all of them. Glasses don't suit my face. I settled for a pare of plain black ones in the hopes that they wouldn't draw any attention. That didn't work so well.

“I think you're over exaggerating. They look fine.”

“I don't like them.”

He slowly takes the glasses out of my hands and turns towards me. My eyes are fixed on him along with Max, who's carefully watching every movement the both of us make. Kitten's are easily amused with anything.

“What's wrong with them?”

“They make me look like a dork.”

Or the stereotypical nerd. All I'm missing are the shorts and suspenders. I shouldn't be so concerned with image, but I can't help but worry myself about what other people think. People judge others all the time, and I don't want to be someone's topic of discussion.

Levi shifts closer to me and turns my head towards him to slide the glasses back onto the bridge of my nose. I want to jerk away, but I keep myself frozen until they're back in place. There's a silence between us until I meet his eyes for a brief moment and I'm starting to think he's going to laugh at me. Instead, there's a light smirk on his face and that's a rare thing when it comes to Levi.

“Well, you're the cutest dork I've ever seen.”

My face is officially beet red. I don't need to look in a mirror to tell I look like I've been sun burnt. The heat on my cheeks is proof enough. If there's one thing I don't know how to do, it's accept compliments. I turn my head and lower my eyes as my face turns a darker shade of red. It's more out of embarrassment than flattery.

“They would look better on you...”

I'm not sure if I meant for that to me a compliment to him or not, but I wouldn't mind seeing Levi in glasses. Then again, he could put on a paper bag and make it look good.

“Don't count on it.”

“It's true.”

He snorts at my comment as Max jumps back onto my lap. My clothes are soon to be covered in a thin layer of cat hair. That may seem like a bad thing, but it will give me more to clean and therefor, more to do to distract myself. Being alone doesn't seem so scary now.

I glance over to the crate on the floor and find Levi has already bought a litter box and a small bag of food. Makes me wonder if he'd been planning this purchase or if it was an impulse buy. And if that's the case, then what does Erwin think about all this? Yet another reason I'm afraid he'll kick me out.

“Erwin won't be mad, will he?”

Levi glances at me for a second before he understands what I mean. What if Erwin doesn't want a cat and forces us to get rid of it? That wouldn't be a stretch of the mind when it comes to my life. I lose everything I love.

“He knows already. I texted him this morning.”

Now I can breathe a little easier.

“He's always been more of a dog person, but since the apartment doesn't allow dogs, he'll have to suck it up.”

Personally, I don't have a favourite when it comes to pets. Most people are divided when it comes to animals, or which one is better. Each have their own perks and I've come to love either one. Although, now that I'm officially owning a cat, I can say I like them a little more. It's biased and I don't care.

“I promise I'll take care of him.”

“I know you will. Just make sure he doesn't shit on the floor.”

Max gives a small meow and I can tell right away him and I will get along just fine. I'll have plenty of time to pamper him tomorrow.

“Can we have supper in town tomorrow?”

“Suit yourself.”

I'm glad Levi isn't a hard ass. He's never picky about my suggestions and never asks for reasoning. I truly don't give him enough credit.

There's another soft click at the door and Erwin comes in with a shit eating grin on his face. I wave shyly and he gives me one of his giant toothy smiles. There isn't a moment that goes by where I've ever seen Erwin upset. He's the kind of person I envy. He glances at the kitten on my lap and hums in approval.

“Don't even say it, Eyebrows.”

The fact Levi is rolling his eyes is evident in his tone.

“Say what?”

“You're going to make some dumb comment about how it's not a dog.”

“I would have said no such thing.”

The sarcasm in his voice is so thick you could slice it and serve it. Overall, he isn't bothered with the ball of fur half asleep against me. It's keeping my legs warm since my shorts are doing a lousy job. It's summertime, yet I find myself getting cold for no reason.

“I'm taking the car tomorrow. Eren and I need to pick up a few things.”

Erwin raises one of his caterpillar-like eyebrows and looks at me for a brief moment. His attention is directed at me and not Levi at all.

“He asked you on a date, didn't he?”

I blush straight to my ears and I never thought it was possible for me to turn any brighter.

“No you dipshit. We're getting stuff for the cat.”

Erwin lets out a low chuckle before tuning into the kitchen to unpack a few things from a cloth bag- which seems to be ingredients for dinner. I'll admit, Erwin is an amazing cook. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert at all, but his skills are far superior to mine.

“I'm kidding.”

“No you weren't.”

“Well you can have the car. I'm heading out with Nile anyways.”

“I was going to take it regardless.”

Interactions with these two always leave me smirking like an idiot. They don't have what I consider to be a regular friendship yet they compliment each other perfectly. Levi mentioned he fell for Erwin when he was younger, and I can see why. I'll admit, I find him quite charming myself. If he's single right now, that will blow my mind.

“Of course you were. Enjoy your little date then.”

“You're an asshole.”

I'm going to enjoy the time out whether it's a date or not. I'll be looking forward to blowing my every penny on having supper and buying every last cat toy in the pet store. Spending that time with Levi will be the cherry on top.

“Does this mean I get free ice cream again?”

“We'll see.”

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone again for the wonderful comments and kudos! The support has been amazing : 3  
> I've managed to scribble out a couple drawings for the fic whenever I get writers block T_T so I hope you guys enjoy them too :D Tnx again! Luvs you all!
> 
> http://41.media.tumblr.com/56057bebb9f7e10f3079da6024cd4665/tumblr_np9wc6IcIa1rbt6i8o1_1280.jpg
> 
> http://40.media.tumblr.com/c91930cc69bda489546d8f1492190305/tumblr_nrctwnCv481rbt6i8o1_500.jpg

My time alone wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday. The moment Erwin and Levi left the apartment, there was no sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I sat myself down on the floor only to have Max crawling all over me and attempting to lick my face like the sap he is. Everyone always says cats are never as affectionate as dogs, but I can confirm they're 100% wrong.

Time flew by after that. The day was spent curled up with my laptop and a fuzzy kitten in my arms, purring like there's no tomorrow. Unlike yesterday, I found the will to get up and eat instead of starving myself until someone came home. My appetite is slowly improving and I'll be back to my pig-like ways in no time.

I was both nervous and excited when 5 o'clock rolled around. Levi showed up a few minutes later and then it was a flurry of me trying to get my hair to stay in one place. Normally I couldn't give two shits about it, but this will be my first time going outside in a long time. I don't want to look like I just crawled out of bed.

I was in a rush to pick out my clothes since I take about an hour to decide that on a good day and I completely forgot. I changed in the bathroom while Levi stayed in his own room to get his shit together. I suppose I take more time to get ready than the average male, but I want to make sure I look good. I settle with a brighter [outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/outeren/set?id=164132395); a pare of leggings, shorts, and a loose sweater ending just above my navel. I add a little extra with a black choker to switch it up from the key that's normally hung around my neck.

Half an hour passes and I finally emerge from the bathroom to find Levi on the couch with Max and I'll say right now that he looks amazing in what he chose to [wear](http://www.polyvore.com/outlevi/set?id=164135136). Overall, it looks formal, but casual at the same time. He pulls off blazers insanely well.

I cross my arms in front of my body and lace my fingers together as he looks up to meet my eyes. Hopefully my hair has decided to stay in place so that will be one less thing I have to worry about. I'm blushing from ear to ear while he takes a moment to look at my chosen clothing. At least they're not wrinkled to hell after being in my bag for so long.

Levi gets up from the couch and hums quietly while I keep myself grounded in place. He grabs something off the table and makes his way in front of me where I stare at him questioningly. I see he's put his piercings in again. He leaves for work without them and I have to admit it looks weird to see his face without any metal on it.

He hums softly again and slides my glasses onto my nose and I make a noise similar to a squeak when they're finally in place.

“Not bad.”

Damn him. I should hate having my glasses on, but for now, I'll suck it up.

He grabs his keys and wallet and I follow him out the door with my bag over my shoulder. I had to empty out most of my things so I wouldn't be weighed down the whole time. I've formed a neat pile of clothing under the side table of the couch which serves as a substitute for a dresser. It will have to do for now.

The car ride into town is quiet, but that doesn't stop me from stealing Levi's phone and playing a few of my favourite songs. He's given up trying to take it from me and sits there rolling his eyes whenever I come across a really sappy song I like. Despite having ever genre imaginable on his phone,I learn he tends to lean more to the techno stuff when driving. Me, on the other hand, I enjoy quiet, cheesy songs with a lot of heart. Complete polar opposites.

5 o'clock is rush hour so there's no shortage of people on the streets. I've forgotten how fun it is to sit and watch others go about their lives. It's also upsetting in a sense because everyone seems to have a better life than me. I don't know their story, so I could be wrong. I used to think Levi's life was perfect until he told me the truth.

I keep my hands in my lap and stare out the window when we get deeper into the city. I'm more than a little anxious when Levi finds a spot to park and the car goes silent. I prefer background noise.

“The pet store is only a block away. You're fine with walking, right?”

I nod, even though I'd prefer he find a closer spot. He was nice enough to drive, so I can't go complaining about his parking choice. I scramble out of the car and grab my bag to throw it over my shoulder. I keep myself close to Levi as we head away from the car. The bright red stands out like a sore thumb compared to all the other boring black and white cars. It looks slick as hell, I'm not gonna lie.

“Have any thoughts on dinner?”

Thank god for Levi and his masterful small talk.

“No... I'm not really picky.”

“Good. I have a spot in mind, and it's not fast food.”

“You say that like it's a bad thing.”

“Well, you picked Dairy Queen last time...”

I give him a small glare which slowly but surely turns into a smirk. I can't seem to keep a straight face when I want to.

Luckily, the pet store isn't too crowded. There's mainly older folks in the store so I can relax a little. I hate being around others my age. Makes me feel like they're judging me or they somehow think they're better.

The small touch Levi gives to my back doesn't go unnoticed as we step inside. A tiny bell above the door rings and the older woman at the cash gives me a warm smile. Good. I don't see how you could possibly be angry working at a place like this. This would be my dream job to be honest.

I'm not in the store more than a minute and I make a small squeak when I see a giant open tank of bunnies. It takes every fibre in my being not to bolt over to it as fast as I can. I can't help it. Bunnies are adorable. They're so round and fluffy and their little noses move a mile a minute.

“We're here for the cat, remember?”

“I know...”

Nothing is stopping me from buying every last one though. Except maybe the impending doom that would follow when Erwin sees them. Most of them are snuggled together in the corner of the tank except for a white baby who's staring at me like I have five heads.

“You can pick them up if you want.”

I glance over my shoulder to the older woman leaning against the counter. Has she been watching us since we got in here?

“Really?”

She nods and I turn back to the tank to scoop the cotton swab into my arms. He's much smaller than Max, but he's just as soft. There's no obnoxious purring either. It looks like I'm holding a piece of a cloud with how blindingly white it is.

“I think I want a bunny.”

“One pet at a time, brat.”

After another ten minutes of cuddling with the bunny, Levi manages to pull me away to shop for the kitten. It's hard to keep my mind focused when there's so many other things. I have to hold myself back from running over to the clear cages full of puppies. There's also fish, hamsters, birds, and about twenty different reptiles.

Locating all the essentials wasn't too hard. They had a whole section devoted to cats and it took all of fifteen minutes to get everything. It took me longer than it should have to pick out a forest green collar for Max with a bell on the front along with a variety of toys. Levi got all the boring stuff like food.

We reach the check out and Levi insisted he pay for everything. I felt guilty, but he was hell bent on it. I sneaked the collar out from the pile to pay for it on my own. It feels more rewarding that way. It will be my own personal present to my kitten. The green matches the colour of his eyes so it will suit him perfectly.

I got to carry all the light bags back to the car so I got the better end of the deal. Even doing a simple task like that feels fulfilling in its own way.

Not to mention I know what pet I'm going to buy next. Getting a bunny won't be for awhile, but that's number one on my list. They don't do much but sleep, eat, and sit there and look cute.

“We're eating now. I'm starving.”

I second that. The last thing I had was some cheap bowl of noodles which kinda tasted like glorified plastic. Instant meals are never as good as home cooked ones.

“Where are we going?”

“You'll see when we get there.”

I find my spot back in the car and give him my best pouting face in the hopes that he'll tell me. There's no need for it to be a secret if it's just food.

“Stop giving me that face.”

“But I want to know.”

“And I want a million dollars, but that's not happening either.”

“That's not even close to being the same thing.”

“It's foreign and that's all I'm telling you.”

Good enough.

He pulls into drive and heads further into the city. I'm excited to see what kind of food Levi is into. I haven't experienced much foreign cuisine, but any food is good food. I remember having Gubbröra at Armin's places since his grandfather used to make it all the time. Other than that, I've had the traditional Americanized Chinese food and a few German dishes.

“Would I be able to bake when you two aren't home?”

Levi raises his eyebrow at me and gives me a side long glance before returning his eyes to the road.

“What kind of question is that?”

“I used to cook all the time. I wouldn't mind preparing dinner whenever you guys are working.”

“Suit yourself. Don't burn down the kitchen or I'll have your head.”

“I'm more experienced than that.”

“Let me know if you ever need anything and I can pick it up after work.”

I'm getting a little too excited over cooking right now. There are a list of dishes I used to make with my mother that I want to try again. I have a decent memory when it comes to instructions.

“Have you ever tried Eintopf?”

“That sounds insanely German.”

“It is. My mother taught me how to make it. I've been dying to have it again.”

He should be expecting me to know a bunch of German dishes since the name 'Jaeger' makes my family roots pretty obvious. I'm not sure what Levi's root are though. He never knew his birth father, so does he even know?

The car falls silent again and I glace around to find we've parked on the side of the street next to an elegant building with large windows. Where ever it is, it looks fancy as hell. The name of it gives away what kind of food we'll be eating.

_Thai House._

I'll be adding this to things I've never had in my life.

I follow close behind Levi until we head inside. I feel like I'm under dressed for such an amazing looking place. It looks like a combination of a fancy restaurant and a bar. The whole area is decked out in dark hardwood floors, cream coloured walls and jet black furniture. The lighting is warm and I instantly notice the brass statues attached to the wooden pillars curling up to the ceiling.

We're lead to a small booth in one of the corners and I'm too busy gawking at the ambiance to register the server welcoming us. There aren't too many people here so I can hear the soft instrumental music playing over the low murmurs of chatter. This is starting to feel more and more like a date.

“This place is really nice.”

“Better than Dairy Queen?”

“Would you drop that already?”

Levi snorts and shrugs off his blazer before picking up the menu. We order our drinks and then I'm left to stare at the menu like a deer caught in the headlights. I have no idea what anything is.

“Get whatever you want. I'm paying.”

“But-”

“Don't say anything, Jaeger.”

You'd swear to god Levi is rich with the way he throws money everywhere. I know he has a job and all, but why is he so willing to pay for everything? It must be nice to have some sort of income.

“Well... do you recommend anything?”

“I've only been here twice.”

“Then how am I supposed to know what to get?”

“Whatever you think won't taste like shit.”

I'm glad he gave me that useful piece of information. I end up settling with something called Pad Thai which is basically an fancy word for stir fry. I have no clue what Levi got, but it I saw it on the seafood side of the menu. Maybe if I suck up enough, he'll let me try some.

“T-thank you for taking me out... this is nice.”

There's heat creeping onto my cheeks and I hope he doesn't notice. It's a simple thank you, yet I seem to make a big deal about it and can barely get the sentence out without stuttering. Levi makes a small noise and twirls his straw around in his drink, which looks like iced tea. Even when he goes out he has to have something with the word 'tea' in it.

“Don't mention it. You can't stay cooped up in that apartment all day.”

I could if I really wanted to. It wouldn't be too different from how my life was before. Besides work, I would be inside parked in front of my computer and socializing with no one besides faceless usernames.

I drag my fingers across the condensation on the side of my glass. I'm plain and simple and go for water with a few ice cubes. I try to draw a smiley face with the water, but it disappears in a matter of seconds. I glance up to see Levi staring at me.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just noticing your eyes look a lot brighter when you're wearing glasses.”

I pout and pull the glasses off my face and practically slam them on the table. I'm shocked I didn't break them. Levi looks visibly concerned with my reaction while I glare at the frames hoping I'll make them spontaneously burst into flame. Suddenly my none caring mood has gone out the window.

“That wasn't a bad thing you know.”

“I don't want my eyes to look brighter... or bigger... or anything.”

“And why not?”

“They're weird.”

They stand out too much and they make me look like an alien. Teal isn't meant to be an eye colour. I tried wearing contacts when I was younger, but I would always forget to put them in. Plus my mother found out and I hated seeing her upset with me hiding my eyes, so I threw them out.

“At least they're a nice colour.”

Lies. They're gross and obnoxious.

“You're starting to sound like my mother.”

“I can't tell if that's a good thing or not.”

Could be both. It's always nice being reminded of who she was, but then there's a stab of pain in my chest after remembering her death. Everything went downhill after that. I'm starting to think she would be disappointed with the person I've grown up to be.

“Eren... you never mention your family. You've never told me about them... can I ask why?”

I drop my eyes to the table and do my regular routine of trying to find patterns in the wood. It's never been easy for me to talk about my life in the past. I remember my mental breakdown when I told Jean about what my father had done to me. I told him everything I could between my hysterical sobbing and it hurt more and more with each word.

“I...I don't have a family.”

“What? But you said your mother-”

“She's dead... my father is an asshole and my sister probably hates me.”

“You have a sister?”

“Not by blood. Our family took her in after her parents were murdered, but she's still my sister.”

“Where is she now?”

“I don't know... I ran away from home and I haven’t seen her in years. She probably hates me for never coming back. Maybe she thinks I'm dead.”

There's a light touch against my skin and I find Levi gasping my hand in his own, brushing his thumb across my fingers. I hadn't realized I'd started to shake. Talking about my family seems to do that to me.

Mikasa is my age, so there's a good chance she's moved out of the house and gone to University. She was always smart and good at anything she did. She played sports when she was younger which she would tease me about since I was the one in the kitchen and not tackling other kids on a field. She never had a good relationship with our father, so it's highly unlikely she would want to stay at the house longer than she had to. Which makes trying to track her down all the more difficult.

“You don't have to tell me everything. I was just curious.”

Different emotions are written all over my face by now. Being in a public area and crying my eyes out is the last thing I want to do. Levi is understanding enough. A restaurant isn't the best place to discuss personal things. I can't say as though anywhere is a good place to discuss that. I'd rather push all of it aside and block it out of my memory.

Levi squeezes my hand lightly before the server comes back with our food. It amazes me how they're all skilled enough to balance five trays at once. I barely have enough coordination to brush my teeth and shower at the same time, so they have my utmost respect.

Most of the dinner is silent and it's not uncomfortable or anything. I enjoy every bite of my food as if it's going to be my last meal on earth. I can confidently say Thai food has my approval for taste. Levi's dish looks pretty amazing too. I'm starting to regret not getting the same thing.

“I'm going to assume you like it.”

It doesn't take me more than a few seconds to nod my head like a madman while my mouth is stuffed. We'll need to come back here at some point, even though there are several other different foods I want to try.

He twirls some of the noodles onto his fork and leans over a little to hold it in front of me. I don't need a mirror to know there's a dumbfounded expression on my face.

“Try it. You've been staring at my plate like a scavenger at a carcase.”

“O-okay.”

I inch a little closer and take the fork between my lips, letting the flavours coat my tongue with shrimp and seasonings. It tastes just as good as it looks.

I end up stuffing myself until I feel like I'm going to explode. As much as I wanted ice cream in the beginning, that's not an option right now. I have no more room left inside me. I can't bring myself to look at the dessert menu so we both skip on that. Besides, I wouldn't want him blowing more money on an overpriced sweet when he's paying for everything else.

Levi leaves the money on the table and shrugs his blazer back over his shoulders before stepping outside. The sun is barely visible and the shadows are getting longer. It won't be too long until the whole city is coated in a blanket of black. It's a little colder than it was before, but it's still summertime so the temperature is nothing major.

The car isn't far away and Levi starts to fish through his pockets to find his keys. There's a soft jingle when he pulls them out and I wait patiently at the passenger door for him to unlock it. It's no longer the old fashioned key and lock, now it's automatic 'press a button and you're in' deal.

I wait quietly by the car with a warm feeling in my stomach as I watch others pass by on the other side of the street. It's been a long time since I've felt happy like this. I'm not 100% but I'm content. Getting out was a good idea.

I look back at a small group of teens walking together in a massive clump. Some of them look older than me and I give them a quick glance before lowing my eyes. I have a bad tendency to stare at people without knowing it. I should mind my own business. I'm quiet as the group walks by and one word catches my attention.

“Disgusting.”

Peeking over my shoulder doesn't help when I see one of the boy's giving me a look that's intended to make me drop dead. I pull my arms around my body as a shiver runs through my being to make everything ten times colder than it should be. I just want in the damn car.

It isn't hard to tell Levi heard them too. He neglects the door in favour of shoving his keys back in his pocket and joining me on the sidewalk.

“Hey! If you have a problem with him, say it to my fucking face.”

I flinch a little with Levi's tone. I've never seen him mad or angry in the slightest. This is different from what I'm used to and there's another look in his eyes as apposed to his emotionless mask. The group of boys haven’t passed us more than a few paces and they turn around to glare at both of us which makes me wish I could shrink into myself and disappear. I settle with positioning myself behind Levi so I'm barely in view. I can't bring myself to look any of them in the eye. I'm weak compared to them.

“Yeah, I have a problem. Guys shouldn't be dressed like that.”

I don't have to look at them to know they're referencing me.

“And what's your point?”

“It's disgusting.”

“Get over yourself.”

“He looks like a cheap whore.”

A few others in the group laugh and mumble to each other, but I'm too busy trying to pull the fabric of my sweater down over my stomach. Is it because I'm showing too much skin? Is that why they think I'm gross? If I were wearing a normal shirt, would they have bothered to stop or give me a second glance?

“You need to stop getting butt hurt over other people's clothing.”

“He has to know it's true. Why isn't the little pussy trying to defend himself?”

It's not true. It's not.

Sure, I may dress a little more feminine than other guys. I want to wear what I like, but I don't want to look like a whore. I'll burn this shirt when we get home and every last one that looks just like it. Has everyone I passed today thought the same thing? What if everyone around me thinks I'm one big prostitute?

“All he wants is attention dressed like that. He's basically asking for it."

“You son of a bit-”

“Levi...”

He pauses when I tug lightly at his sleeve. He relaxes a little, but I don't remove my eyes from where they're locked on the concrete. From the stance he has right now, it's not hard to tell he had the intentions of beating each and every one of them into the ground. As gratifying as that sounds for him, I never want to see others getting abused, even if they're complete jerks.

“C-can we go home now?”

He doesn't say another word. There's something warm around my shoulders which I figure is his blazer. It's helping to cover most of my upper half and I'm grateful for that now that I understand how others see me. I don't feel as cold now either.

He finds his keys and unlocks the door where I scurry inside as fast as I possibly can. Levi closes the door behind me and makes his way around the car with a visibly tense walk. He's holding himself back from beating them into unconsciousness.

“When you get home, tell the skank to change.”

The words are muffled, but I can hear them clear as day. It's like a stab to my heart over and over again and I'm cursing car walls for not being sound proof.

Levi joins me in the car and practically slams his door shut which earns another flinch from me that he doesn't notice. He's glaring daggers at them and if looks could kill, each one would have twenty stab wounds. I wish I had that kind of fight left. Any normal person would have stood up for themselves, right?

“Some people disgust me.”

His voice is loaded with venom which is a side I'm not used to. I turn away from him and stare aimlessly out the window while he pulls out onto the road. The group of boys are laughing and playfully hitting each other in the arm while they resume whatever I'd interrupted.

Everything hurts. There must be a rock in the pit of my stomach with how heavy I feel right now. I refuse to cry. I don't want to ruin my night with Levi by having him wipe tears from my face. If actions speak louder than words then why do they still hurt so much? If all five of them would have hit me until I was on the floor I doubt I would feel this bad. I have no ambition to take Levi's phone and find a cheesy ass song, or to reply to any conversation starters that are sure to come my way.

I'm a disgusting whore. That's it.

I'll let myself go numb until we get back to the apartment. Once I'm there, everything will be okay.

 


	22. Chapter 22

 

It took way longer to get back to the apartment than I would have liked. Levi's knuckles were going white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. If it weren't for me, he would be turning around to hit that group of boys with his car. Visibly, he looks more upset about it than I do, but I'm doing a good job if hiding it.

Silence between us becomes a regular thing after awhile. Levi pulls back onto the apartment parking lot and I tug his coat tighter around my shoulders to stop how much I'm shaking. I couldn’t get my mind off of anything those guys said. I was hoping the dulled scenery would help, even though the city isn't the best spot to look.

Levi grabs all the bags and then there's the usual routine of locking the car and heading back up the stairs since Levi has caught onto my hate of elevators.

That rock is embedded in the bottom of my stomach and has no intentions of leaving. Every memory of their words is another needle in my back or weight tied to my feet and it's pulling me down.

The apartment isn't as welcoming as I would have liked either. This is my home now, but it feels like nothing more than an empty shell. Everything is laying where I left it; my clothes folded under the table and my laptop resting on the couch. Those clothes will be in the trash soon. I'll need to buy a whole new wardrobe- one that's suited for males only.

Levi looks like he's about ready to throw his keys against the wall, but restrains himself to simply tossing them on the table before taking a seat on the couch. I'm left standing in the middle of the room like a lost puppy wonder what that hell to do with myself. I'm trying to cover as much skin as I can with my arms when Levi's grey eyes meet mine.

He thinks I look like a whore too, doesn't he?

Max comes bounding out of the bedroom with small meows and it looks like he's been sleeping since we left. I must be nice. Animals don't have to worry about anything and have no idea what you're saying. If I could sleep all day and get away with it, I would. He starts to purr softly and rub against my leg. It would be nice if that small gesture made me feel better. On a normal day, I'm sure it would.

I fix my bag over my shoulder and drag my feet to the bathroom; There's something I have to do.

“Aren't you going to give him his new collar?”

Oh right. That's what happened today.

“Y-yeah...I... I'll be out in a minute.”

The bathroom is dead silence compared to the rest of the place. Or maybe that's just me. I always seek refuge in a washroom whenever I want to be alone. It's a habit I'm not fond of. I lock the door and slide next to the tub to run my fingers through my hair. It's tangled to hell, but that's nothing special.

The pain of a vice grip around my chest keeps tightening until I choke out the first sob. Keeping myself silent has always been a problem, so I'll have to muffle myself with my sweater; my gross, hideous, skanky sweater that started this whole thing.

I hate feeling like this.

Words are only words, right? That doesn't mean they're true.

_Who are you trying to convince?_

I curl my legs up to my chest and dig my nails into my arms yet again. There's a twinge of pain that I know all too well. It feels good though. My attention is drawn to the sensation in my arm and it's distracting for all of a few seconds. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I want to forget what was said today and know the feeling of metal on skin.

I need it. I crave it more than anything.

I'm sick, I know. I've had plenty of people tell me that, only with different wording. My lifestyle, my mind, my body... they're all sick in their own way. I just want to feel right again.

I have my blades with me. I knew I would need them again. The anticipation of knowing how good splitting my skin will feel drives me to dig them out of my bag. I tear the bandages off my arm to expose the brutal sight of my skin. The scars are in the dozens, but at least there's no blood... for now.

I let my sleeves all loosely over the pale pink lines across my forearm. I could care less if they get in the way. I'll be ripping this sweater to shreds at the first chance I get so a little blood won't hurt it. I'm too focused on the emotional pain in my body to care what happens.

I slide a razor between my fingers and it feels good to hold one again. It's cold to the touch and still sharp. My breath is coming easier now. Air is flowing through my lungs the way it should and not clumped in the bottom of my chest. The blade hits my skin and rests just above a faded white line over my forearm and I pause for a moment.

My arm looks different. It's not the usual mess I'm used to seeing everyday. Past cuts are dull and pale instead of swollen and red. I haven't made a mark on my skin for nearly four days. That concept is completely foreign to me. I could never go a day without harming myself and now this? I was starting to heal, but now I want to ruin it. I want to feel the pain as I'm cut open and become entranced with the perfectly coloured droplets of blood.

But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to destroy what progress I've made.

It's a conflicting feeling. It's an even worse feeling than before. I'm torn in half; being caught between a rock and a hard place trying to decide what I want more. Healing seems like the logical choice, but I can never forget the relieve I feel whenever I drag a blade across my skin.

That's all I want; just a distraction. Physical pain can give me what I need. The voices in my head won't let me forget how disgusting I am. They're reminding me I'm nothing but an attention craving whore; that I deserve what I get and everyone has left me for a reason. I'm the problem. I have no one to blame but myself.

There's a quiet rustling on the other side of the door followed but a rattling sound. It's the same noise as the toy mice we bought today for Max. I figured they were a safe bet as far as cat toys go. Levi must have taken one out of the bag for him.

Levi.

The only person who seems to give a shit. Though, now I'm scared he thinks the same way as everyone else. He's given me so much, but I'm afraid that's nothing more than false hope. Watching someone fall is more fun when they're high up, right?

But he fought for me, didn't he? He gave me a companion because he didn't want me alone and he's made me smile again when I never thought I'd be able to. He didn't want me to give up. That has to mean something.

Maybe I can follow through with my promise after all. Well, technically I never promised him anything, but I can still try. I'll give him what he wants even if he regrets it afterwards. I only hope he doesn't look down on me.

I manage to push myself off the floor onto shaky feet no even bothering to pick up the scattered bandages. I keep the blade in my palm, squeezing it a little too tightly when I should be throwing it in the trash. I'm not doing it intentionally, my body seems to tighten up the moment I unlock the bathroom door.

I shuffle back out into the living room with my eyes locked on the floor and my body stiff as a plank. There's waterworks building up behind my eyes and I'll try to keep them there for now. I thought I was done with crying, but that goes to show you I'm nothing but a huge baby. I need to be kept in a protective bubble in order for me not to have an emotional breakdown.

As expected, Max is on the floor swatting around one of the toy mice as if it's actually alive. If I had any motivation at all, I would sit on the ground with him and and toss it around. Throwing myself out of the apartment sounds like a better option though.

My baby steps eventually lead me to Levi, who hasn't acknowledged me entering the room. He's busy sorting through all the stuff we got and setting up Max's new bed right beside the couch. I stare at nothing in particular when I reach him, but my hands find their way to my stomach to keep it hidden. I should have put on a new shirt for fuck sakes.

“Eren, are you alright?”

No.

People should learn the answer is always no when that question comes my way. Give me a new personality and life and then the answer might change.

I shake my head and feel the first tears slip from my eyes. This better not turn into gross sobbing, but I already know it will. That's a given. I have to push my glasses out of the way to wipe the stream of water from my cheek. I don't know why I put them back on. Levi seemed to like them so I figured it wouldn't hurt.

He takes one of my hands and guides me forward a little bit bringing me closer to the couch. I let him lead me, even if it involves my skin being exposed again. I whimper softly and find myself being pulled onto his lap where I'm practically straddling his thighs. We're insanely close with his face inches from mine. I sit myself down on his legs with mine on either side, keeping my eyes on the design of his shirt. It's a nice colour.

His palms are warm when they gently cup my face to get me to look at him. His expression is a mixture of confusion and concern at the same time. I'm forced to look at him and there's more tears that follow which he brushes away with his thumbs. My glasses are clunky and in the way, but he leaves them on.

“Tell me what's wrong.”

You mean besides my life being a basket of shit tied up with a little bow?

_Or the fact you're a whore?_

I'm not. Those guys just said that to be mean.

_Mean or not, you know it's true._

No. I dress this way for me. I don't want unnecessary attention.

_Lies._

How can I be considered a whore when I've only dated one person?

_That's why Jean left. He saw you for what you really are._

I clench the blade tighter in my palm and it doesn't take long for it to cut through my hand, dripping crimson tears onto my lap. So much of me has been stained with blood. That's a regular thing.

“Eren?”

 _Levi knows it too._ _Just ask him._

My whole body is trembling and I bring my bloody palm up to cover my mouth, muffling the hideous sob that manages to escape. I'm scared to ask him. If he says I am, then what?

_Then you'll know the truth._

You're wrong.

_And just who are you trying to convince again?_

I'm not a whore.

_Says the guy straddling another man's lap._

Why won't it stop? Everything hurts all over again. I'm choking on my breath and tears are coming down like rain against my face. I push Levi's hands away from my eyes to throw the glasses off my face. They crack against the ground and I cry harder. Everything I touch gets ruined. Everything I own gets broken.

“I-I'm not...I'm not a whore.”

_Yes you are._

The words come out broken like the rest of me. This is why I shouldn't be here. This is why Levi should have left me alone to die like I wanted. Instead I'm here feeling the same pain over and over again.

“Eren, look at me.”

“I-I'm not, Levi...I-I'm not.”

His palms return to my cheeks and it takes all of my energy to look at him. My eyes are nearly swollen shut from how hard the tears are coming and every other breath ends with me hiccuping and my body nearly convulsing.

“I know, Eren. Just breathe for me, alright?”

“Y-you think I am too... don't you...”

I didn't see the need to phrase that as a question.

“That's not true. I would never think of you like that.”

I sniffle softly and try to make my body relax. It's harder than you'd think. My nose is clogged with snot so I must look like a fucking winner right now.

“Don't believe a word those guys said.”

It didn't take long for Levi to catch on. Then again, why else would I be balling about thinking I'm a sleazy street walker?

“B-but they-”

“They're idiots. You can dress however you want.”

“I... I don't want to look gross.”

“You don't”

For some reason, I don't believe him.

I've managed to calm myself down enough to breathe normally. I watch the gentle rise and fall of Levis chest and try to match it. It works well considering I was on the verge of a panic attack. My tears are leaving small circles of water on my leggings and I have a sudden urge to burn those too. Anything I own that belongs in the female section of a store should be thrown out immediately.

“I-I'm disgusting.”

“No you're not.”

Wasn't that what my father had told me all those years ago? That being pansexual and finding a sexual interest in men and women was disgusting? I'd stood up for myself back then. I was a stronger person and didn't need to have anyone else be my crutch.

“Y-you...you're just saying that...y-you don't mean it.”

That's the easiest way to get me to stop crying, right?

“Eren, tell me, when have I ever lied to you?”

I sniffle again and glance at his grey eyes for a few seconds. His fingers are brushing away the streams of water on my cheek to prevent them from soaking me even further. The redness of my eyes won't be going away anytime soon. They feel disgustingly swollen.

“Y-you haven't...”

“Exactly. So trust me when I say you look pretty damn cute right now.”

I make another noise similar to a squeak and my face heats up like a kettle- minus the steam. I tilt my head away to hide my expression and hue of my face.

“Don't concern yourself with what others say. If you spend your life trying to impress others, then you're never going to be happy. Live for yourself and no one else.”

There's a gentle touch to my skin and I realize Levi has brought his hands down to thumb my hips lovingly. It's an odd gesture, but I find comfort in it. His hands are warm compared to the chilled skin of my bare sides. He's unlike anyone I've ever met.

My eyes fall to my clenched hand, opening it to reveal the bloodied razor which has cut open my palm more than a couple times. The pain registers shortly after, along with a light tremble that seems to overtake the rest of my body. I'd come so close to ruining what small part of me had healed. I was ready to give up.

“I...I wanted to cut again... I-I was-”

“You were upset, I know. You were hurt by what they said and you wanted a way to forget.”

He sounds like he's speaking from experience.

“I-I'm sorry..I-I know it was wrong...”

“I'm not mad at you, Eren.”

He isn't?

His eyes drop to my messy palm where he takes the blade between his fingers to remove it from my hand. That small piece of metal has done so much damage and it's shocking I don't hate it. It's shameful having him handle something that's destroyed my life so much. I let those razors control my life after I lost it.

“You're... not going to throw them away are you?”

“No. That's going to be your choice. I told you before that I'm here to help, but you need to make the decision to move forward. As much as I want to get rid of these things, it won't mean anything unless you're the one to do it.”

Makes sense. I brought them with me for a reason after all. They were my back up plan. If anything made me upset or anxious I would have a way out. Getting rid of my blades will be my first step. If you want to heal, get rid of the thing that's causing the pain.

“I'll get rid of them... not now... but I will.”

One of these days I won't rely on them anymore.

“Is it alright if I hang onto them for you?”

My body tenses almost immediately. He's going to take them from me?

“I won't throw them away. They'll still be here, but you'll need to come to me whenever you feel like using them. Sound fair?”

I nod slowly while he wraps the bloody metal in a tissue to leave it on the table. He leans back and his arms wrap around my waist to pull me a little closer. Our foreheads are touching and this is the closest we've ever been to each other. I feel warm and safe despite how odd the position may seem to anyone else. 

“I'm proud of you, Eren.”

I should feel proud of myself too, but my soul feels empty.

Levi gives me a soft smile and that's something different than his usual smirk. I can't help but feel the corners of my lips tug into a upwards arc. I have no clue why Levi has this effect on me.

“Why don't we have a movie night; just you and me? Will that help get your mind off things?”

I glad he doesn't linger on the subject for too long. All I want to do is forget any of this happened. I only want to remember the nice time we had at the restaurant or how unimpressed he looked when I said I wanted a bunny. Curling up and watching a movie will do just that.

I nod again and playfully wiggle my hips on his lap like I'm an excited puppy and he snorts at the action. My cheeks are rosy pink when he helps me up and I'm looking forward to being lazy for the rest of the night.

Getting help with patching up my hand will be another step. Levi has helped me before with things like that so there's no harm in it now. It's only a hand anyway. Then I'll be free to forget about everything; to focus on the good and not the bad- for once in my life.

Free to clear my mind.

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

 

Levi's suggestion for a movie night was something I got excited about since the moment he brought it up. I'm a sucker for romantic or gory movies- which are the exact opposite. I used to watch that kind of stuff all the time whenever I was alone. I would have nothing but my laptop to keep me company and Netflix became my best friend.

Levi patched up my hand and I made the small step to give him my blades. He took them into his room to hide them which I was perfectly fine with. As long as I know they're still here I'll be okay. That doesn't mean I can't use something else to hurt myself, but I'll need to put in a little more effort in than usual to forget about it. Going to Levi for help wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He wasn't mad; and that's what I was afraid of. If Levi ever got angry with me I'd feel like the biggest piece of shit to walk this earth.

In the end, I kept the sweater on instead of destroying it. Maybe I'll save the more revealing clothes for the apartment until I get more comfortable with myself. One of these days I hope I manage to forget what those guys said. At least watching a movie will distract me from that.

Levi insisted we watch it in his room since the living room TV hadn't been set up yet. Apparently he and Erwin have a big screen in their room so I don't see why they need to have a third, but I'm assuming that was Erwin's idea. If you have the money, might as well throw a TV in every single room. Watching videos while taking a shit doesn't sound too bad either.

I haven't been in Levi's room since I first got here. It's as immaculate as you'd think. Even the bed is made. Who the hell makes their bed willingly?

Levi wanders over to his laptop while I explore his room further. The last time I was in here it was pretty bare. Now everything is unpacked and there's more to see. He has a desk set up in the corner facing out a window and it's a nice view despite being in the city. He has papers and sketchbooks stacked on the corner of his desk and I suppress the urge to rifle through them.

“What do you wanna watch?”

I turn back and to find Levi scrolling through Netflix like a madman. Honestly I would have been shocked if he _didn't_ have it. There's really no need for DVDs anymore when everyone has access to the internet. Even having satellite seems pointless. Why sit through a bunch of boring commercials when you can stream nonstop?

“I get to pick?”

“Why not.”

He shrugs and waits for me to respond. He'll be kicking himself after this. Something tells me our taste in movies is going to be polar opposites. I'm not in the mood for a scary or gory movie, so sappy it is.

“Titanic?”

“Are you shitting me right now?”

My face goes red and I give my head a small shake. I'm not kidding. Levi looks more than a little unimpressed but he sighs and types it into the search bar. I like it, okay. It's a good movie.

“You're lucky I don't work tomorrow. We're going to be here for awhile.”

It also wouldn't surprise me if Levi has seen it before. I bet the entire planet has seen that movie. I watched it a long time ago with my mother. I don't remember much, but I do know she cried at the end when I had no idea what was going on. That was back when we could afford a crappy VHS player. Those were some high definition pixels.

I sit myself on the bed while Levi hooks up his laptop to the TV. I wouldn't be against watching it on his computer, but having a larger screen is nice.

“Do you have chips?”

“You just ate an hour ago.”

“So?”

He sighs again and points to the kitchen where I scurry off the bed to locate the chips on top of the fridge. I don't check to see what kind they are. I'll eat anything at this point.

Levi has propped himself up against the headboard when I get back into the room. The movie is loading and he's scrolling through his phone with a neutral expression. Damn he works fast. It takes me a full minute to figure out how to plug my mouse into my computer. It's not too difficult to be more tech-savvy than me. I join him on the bed as he tosses his phone onto the desk while rolling his eyes.

“Erwin is smashed as fuck so he won't be home until tomorrow.”

“He went out drinking?”

“That's normally what he does when he's out with Nile. At least he's not a mean drunk or I'd have to punch him in the face.”

“I doubt that would help.”

I smirk at him before digging into the chips. I keep them on my lap like the greedy bastard I am and lean back onto the pillows. Everything about his bed is soft as hell. He has a duvet which is possibly the best thing ever.

“If you get any crumbs on my bed I'm kicking you off.”

“No you won't”

“Don't push your luck.”

I snuggle under the covers with the bag of chips which I'm sure drives Levi up the wall. He pretends he doesn't notice and turns to the TV while crossing his arms. He doesn't have his blazer on so I'm free to follow the tattoo on his arm. The design is nothing in particular, but it makes me wonder why he decided to get it in the first place.

I nibble quietly on a few chips to keep myself silent enough to hear the movie. I immediately feel for the characters and spend most of the time wondering how the hell they made the ship so realistic. Computers are wonderful things.

The cheesy scenes make me smile like an idiot while I can practically hear Levi rolling his eyes. I don't think he minds watching it though. It's a classic. A poor man meets a rich woman and they fall in love. Pretty cliché, but still good. The actors aren't half bad looking either.

“Do you believe in that kind of stuff?”

I set the chips on the floor and curl into the blankets like a cocoon trying to bundle up my warmth into a ball. If I really tried, I could fall asleep.

“Believe in what?”

“Love at first sight. Falling for someone after only a day.”

“If that's the case, you're judging your affection on looks. No relationship will ever last like that.”

“So, that's a no?”

He nods and turns to look down at me where my eyes and nose are barely visible past the mound of blankets. I feel like a turtle.

“And what about you?”

“I do, yeah.”

He raises an eyebrow at me and I can tell he's sceptical. That kind of love is normally found in romantic novels or in a fairytale.

“And why is that?”

“That's what happened to my parents. My mother told me she met my father at the ocean near where he worked. She said she wanted to marry him after they met. My father even gave her a key and told her is was the key to his heart.”

“They sound like a couple of saps.”

I chuckle softly, hiding my mouth with the duvet. Of course, that only happened when they were younger so they didn't stay like that. It was clear they loved each other, but there were no romantic make out sessions and that might have been due to the fact I would cringe whenever they kissed on the lips- typical child behaviour. Though, my father would always buy here a carnation on her birthday and I don't remember ever seeing her happier than in those moments.

“They were. But I still believe it can happen, though it might be rare. My mother said she fell for his charm... whatever that means.”

“I thought you said your dad was an asshole.”

I fall silent and bury myself under the covers to hide away from his comment. It's dark which is nice. I can hear some laughter coming from the TV and it would be nice if I could see what was happening, but I don't want to face Levi.

“Eren?”

I feel the blankets being lifted off my form as Levi tugs them away from my side of the bed onto his. This is another one of those moments where I wish I could curl into myself and disappear. The air feels so much colder now.

“That was a lie then?”

“N-no, he...he was nice, but...he changed.”

“Changed?”

Please tell me I don't have to reexplain everything. I should be over it by now, but the nightmare still haunts me even when I'm awake. That would be nice if it was nothing more than a bad dream, but everything about it is real. Every last second.

“He was upset after my mother died... I was a failure as a son a-and...he just... changed.”

Every part of my being hates him. I want to blame him; that he wasn't in his right mind when he hurt me, but now I see know it wasn't his fault. I was the one who couldn't do anything right. I'm the one who strayed from everything I was taught and became a pathetic kid. I should have been more like my sister. There's no way he could hate her. If I'd only finished school or if I was a more loving son, then maybe he never would have turned against me. I did my best when my mother was around, but then all of that seemed pointless.

They told me they would love me no matter what, but that turned out to be a lie. If my mother found out about my sexuality, would she have done the same thing? Would she have been disappointed if I turned out to have a husband instead of a wife? And what about Mikasa? Would she be ashamed of me too? As if she doesn't hate me enough already.

“H-he found out about Jean... he said it wasn't normal... that I was doing it just to get him mad.”

I remember the feeling I had when I walked through the door that night. That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that got worse when my father started to talk. His low voice turned into a yell which lead to a screaming match between me and him. I was stupid for fighting back. I should have shut my mouth or lied.

“He... he hurt me, Levi... in ways I never thought he would.”

I'd always known my father to be a kind man. He's a doctor for fuck sakes. He helps people for a living, cares for others who aren't his blood. He's respected by everyone yet he goes and nearly beats his own son to a pulp. No one outside would expect something like that, and neither did I.

He had been proud of me at one point. I had made my way through elementary school with no issues, had close friends, helped my mother around the house and tried the best I could to be a big brother to Mikasa. Who would have ever though the preference of a partner would change all of that to hate.

“I...I thought he loved me.”

Isn't that what's supposed to happen? He's my father, I'm his child, his _only_ child; a small part of him and yet he prefers Mikasa over me. He hates me for something I can't control.

I tuck my legs into my chest and try to hide my face with my hands. Levi's fingertips trace my skin so gently that it gives me goosebumps, but I don't shove him away.

“You're safe now. I won't let anyone lay a finger on you.”

There's comfort in his words, but there's only so much a person like Levi can do. If I ever see my father again, what will I say? Does he care that I've been missing for so long? If he was that worried about me, you'd think he would have called the police to look for me. I'm glad he didn't, but at least it would have let me know that he gave a damn.

And what about Jean? I thought he loved me too. Everything was going so well until he found out what I'd been doing. I never thought about it like this, but it's the same as my father. They both hate what I am. They'd much rather push me out of their life than deal with me.

I feel so cold without a bundle of blankets covering my body. I finally get up to sit on my feet and wrap my arms around my chest in a last ditch effort to get warm. I've completely forgotten about the movie. It's only background noise at this point.

“Why does everyone leave me? What am I doing wrong?”

“You're not doing anything wrong. You just need to find someone who loves you for who you are.”

“I-if my own father doesn't... then who's supposed to?”

His mouth parts a slight ways, but instantly shuts after a moment. Exactly. I'm not meant to be loved. There's a trend happening and I haven't caught on yet.

“T-that's all I want, Levi. I want someone to care...I just... want someone to love me.”

I don't know why I feel the need to spew that out. I never knew what I wanted before, but now I understand. I'm so used to having everyone push me away that I miss what it feels like to have someone close. I miss being held and the warm feeling of knowing I'm safe. I'd had those things before, but they've been ripped away and it's taken pieces of my heart with it.

The bitter touch of the air disappears until I notice Levi has wrapped the blanket around me again. He drapes it over my head like a hood and I'm thankful he caught on that I hated being bare. His finger touches my chin and I lift my eyes to meet his. He leans in and my heart nearly leaps out of my chest when his lips touch mine.

The noise I manage to make could be classified as a squeak- or audible internal screaming. I grab at the blanket to give my hands something to do while my mind races around trying to figure out what's going on.

Levi is kissing me, that's what's going on.

His lips are warm and his palm is warmer when he brings it to my cheek to deepen the kiss. I don't understand why, but I let him continue. My eyes flutter shut and my whole body feels numb while my lips are tingling, sending a shiver down my spine.

The moment doesn’t last too long and he breaks the kiss to look at my (no doubt) stunned looking face. I feel so light. That had to have been a dream. Why would Levi kiss me?

I have to blink a few times to clear the fog from my eyes. Levi is gazing at me with a neutral expression like he hadn't just done something so out of the blue. Every part of my being is heating up and I drop my eyes to hide my face in the shadows of the blanket.

Why is my heart pounding so hard? It feels like it's going to burst from my chest when only moments ago I thought it would come up my throat. I can hear it thudding in my ears as blood pumps though my body. It's such an odd sensation.

“That was uncalled for. I'm sorry.”

How he's apologizing? Is it because I turned away from him when it was over? I'm not going to lie; I enjoyed it. It made me happy for a few seconds until it ended. Am I that desperate for human contact, or is it something else? There has to be a reason my heart is racing as if I've just ran for five days straight. Why did the kiss feel so good?

“N-no... it's alright..”

I want to be touched. I crave knowing what it's like to have his lips on mine again, to have his fingers trace my skin as if I'm made or glass or porcelain. I need it to feel good. I felt wanted when he kissed me; as if I actually mattered with my shit show of a life.

“C-can you... do it again?”

Deep down, it feels wrong, but I can't stop the throbbing in my chest. With that small touch I'm drawn to him. It makes me seem simple, but it's not as if I would let a stranger do this to me. Having it be Levi makes it all the more appealing.

Do I like him?

When I first saw him, I knew he was attractive, his look is so unique it's hard not to be intrigued by him. But this isn't about his looks. This is about the fondness in my chest whenever I hear his name, or the empty hole in my heart whenever he's not beside me. I'm no stranger to these feeling, but I never realized the meaning behind it.

He's caught off guard by my last request. With a bold move like that, it's safe to assume I would be repulsed, or ready to shove him away from me, but that isn't the case. With my face hidden, it will be difficult for him to read my expression and he may be sceptical about continuing.

The ghostly light touch returns to my chin and I'm lead close to him where he claims my lips for a second time. The air is pushed out of my lungs and I've forgotten how to breathe. I whimper softly and grab at his shirt like a newborn child. Everything feels amazing. My mind is blank, yet my brain still understands what's going on. Something wet hits my arm and I realize I've started crying. Why though? I don't feel sad at all. It's the opposite.

I curse my frail emotions when Levi breaks the kiss and I'm met with his concerned gaze. Tears are flowing freely down my cheeks for reasons still unknown. I make an attempt to wipe them away with the back of my hand which results in salt water being spread around my face in a big mess. Might as well add some soap and clean my face while I'm at it.

“Are you alright?”

“I-I'm fine... I'm sorry... I don't know why I'm crying.”

“I'm not hurting you am I?”

“No. It... made me happy.”

The tears on my face say otherwise, but they're not tears of sadness or anger. The way my body is tingling, I would say they're tears of relief. I've felt pure bliss for the first time since my life was ripped apart. Even when I was with Jean, there was always a void; a dark pit when I knew I had to be alone. Levi was there when my boyfriend was gone.

“I-I like you, Levi”

This is more than the affection of friendship. I want more than just having him next to me. I need him close, to have him hold me, to have him kiss me the way he had moments ago whenever I'm upset. I want to be in his arms and take in his scent. I want all of him.

There's always been that warm comfort whenever him and I are together and I never knew what it meant until recently. When I learned he liked me I thought my feelings towards him were nothing more than those of friendship. I see now I was wrong.

My body is glued in one position and it isn't until Levi pulls me into his chest that I learn how to move again. I'm still bundled in a roll of blankets as I lean against his chest. His arms are keeping me close and heat is radiating from him like a furnace. I nuzzle into his shirt with a quiet sigh, listening to whatever is going on in the movie. I don't need to see the screen to know what's happening.

The bed sinks in beside me and there's a soft pressure on my leg which turns out to be my kitten. I have yet to put on his new collar, which escaped my mind after getting home. I don't want to move from Levi's lap, so that can wait until tomorrow.

“Looks like Max is jealous.”

I smile at Levi's comment and rest my ear against his chest. There's the steady beating of his heat and gentle rise and fall of his chest that could put me to sleep if I wanted it to.

“Can I... stay here tonight?”

Right where I am. I don't want to move an inch. Going back to sleep on the couch sounds so empty. Being in a real bed beside the person that matters most is what I crave. It will make me feel whole. The one thing I'd been missing in my life will be real again.

“I wouldn't have let you leave anyways.”

What have I done to deserve someone like him? Why does he like _me_ of all people? He could have anyone. He's kinda despite his emotionless exterior, yet here I am being held close to him because he somehow finds appeal in such a worthless person.

No part of me wants to focus on the movie. It's barely half over and I can't say as though I've payed attention to any of it. I tilt my head to the TV regardless. I've always wanted to have a relationship like the ones I'd seen on TV. Watching the characters laugh and joke around with each other seemed so heart warming. Little did I know, I had someone to give me that.

Levi's attention is drawn back to the movie while he combs his fingers through my hair. After each pass of his hand, I feel his lips brush my scalp which causes me to shiver and snuggle closer to him. I'm a sap, I know.

“Don't go falling asleep on me, Eren.”

Says the guy giving me a weird head massage. I doubt he would do much if I did end up falling asleep. If anything, I'd say that's what he wants me to do. His touch is so feather light it's nearly nonexistent.

Normally I don't like being treated like a china doll since it makes me feel like people are pitying me. I hate it. What's really going on is everyone saying 'Wow, sucks to be you. At least it didn't happen to me'. I already know other people's lives are better than mine so I don't want to be reminded of it 24/7.

I don't need to keep myself awake to watch the rest of the predictable movie. Spoiler alert: the ship sinks. All I really wanted was something to get my mind off the craving I had to break my skin again and the pain in my chest. All of that is gone now. I don't care about anything else. I'm focusing on now.

After everything that's happened today, I wouldn't mind letting my eyes flutter shut and focus on the warm arms holding me. In fact, that's exactly what I plan to do.

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

 

I ended up falling asleep before the movie ended. The blankets were indescribably warm and after so long, I was exhausted in more ways than one. I didn't have any nightmares and I was out cold for five straight hours. That may not seem like much, but since my average sleep is about two, having five hours is amazing.

I woke up to the warm light spilling through the window- turns out Levi forgot to close the curtains. Normally I don't like having my eyes blinded in the morning, but today I could care less. I strain my body up to see out the window above the desk only to find Levi's arms wrapped around my waist.

Heat rushes to my face as I remember the events of the passing night. Levi kissed me. Not a small peck on the cheek, but a full blown mouth to mouth contact. More than once too. I wanted it so bad and even now, I don't regret it.

I glance down when he groans softly at my movement. This is my first time seeing Levi asleep and I have to admit he looks different. His brow seems more relaxed and there's a look of bliss on his chiseled features. His lips are in a straight line rather than his usual frown and his dark locks are spread everywhere on the pillow rather than being perfectly in place. I wouldn't mind seeing that more often.

We both ended up falling asleep in our clothes. I was too warm and lazy to get up and change and Levi looked like he had no intentions of moving either. Now I smell like a pile of ass.

As expected, the sun is peeking up over the city. It's a good thing Levi doesn't work or I'd be whining to have him stay with me in bed all day. I wiggle my hips playfully to shuffle back under the covers with my back pressed against Levi's chest. I swear to god I don't know how his clothes aren't melting off. He's a walking furnace for fuck sakes.

He groans again and I turn to look over my shoulder as his lidded eyes crack open, squinting against the light outside. It takes all of three seconds for him to glance at the clock before returning his head to the pillow.

“Morning.”

I try to sound as happy as possible while keeping my voice down. I remember him saying he's not a morning person. I bet the last thing he wants to do on his day off is get up early.

I twist my body around so I can face him, curling up in the duvet with our faces near centimeters apart. Now that he's awake, the scowl has returned to his face, but I don't mind that it's there.

“Why am I awake?”

Good question. It could be my slight movement that woke him up or it might have been the light, but I stay quiet with my smirk hidden behind the blanket. He hums quietly and brushes my bangs behind my ear. He has a thing for playing with my hair which isn't helping the rats nest look it has.

His fingers glide down my cheek to the bare skin on my neck, causing me to shiver. I've always been sensitive and I hope it's not showing. I turn into a blushing mess whenever something touches me there. The last thing I need now is to start moaning.

“Levi... do you... regret kissing me?”

He raises his eyebrow and it's a typical reaction, but I have to ask him. Did he kiss me to make me feel better, or was it something more? I need to know if there was any sort of meaning behind it. Maybe it was a once time deal and he doesn't want to anymore. Feelings change overnight. I should know.

“Why would I regret it? I already told you I like you.”

“I just... wanted to know.”

Would it be weird for me to ask him to kiss me again? How does one go about asking that sort of thing? Knowing me I would make it ten times more awkward than it had to be. Maybe one of these days I won't be so stupid with words.

“You don't regret it do you?”

I shake my head like a madman and the corners of his lips turn up in a smirk. I'm glad none of us made the wrong choice last night. The whole thing was on impulse yet it worked out. That doesn't happen very often.

He leans in to place a soft kiss on my forehead and now I'm mad at myself for covering my mouth. Although maybe that's a good thing. I haven't brushed my teeth yet and morning breath smells like a bag of ass. A lot of things smell like ass in my opinion.

“Can I make breakfast?”

He did say I could cook, so why not start now? I'm not a master chief when it comes to breakfast foods, but I'm good enough to throw together some pancakes. Cereal is too bland. Not to mention my appetite is getting better and I could end up eating sticks with dirt on them and still be satisfied.

“As long as you don't burn down the kitchen.”

“What if it was an accident?”

“I'd still have to kick your ass.”

Wouldn't that be a sight. The neighbours would be talking about it for years.

There's a low buzzing noise next to me and I turn my head to Levi's phone on the side table. It's unfortunate he doesn't have an obnoxious ring tone like me. He's one of those boring people and puts it on vibrate.

I snatch the phone before he can reach over and grab it. I shove it under the covers to hide it while pretending I did nothing wrong. Let's see how attached he is to his phone.

“You're a little shit, you know that?”

I nod in silence as he pulls the covers away from me while I manage to shove the device in my short pocket. It buzzes a second time before stopping. It's only a text. If it was a phone call I'd feel bad for making him miss it. For now, my guilt has gone out the window.

“So I have to take it from you by force, is that what you're getting at?”

“You don't have to take it at all. I could always change the password for you.”

And within seconds Levi is on top of me. He reaches for my pocket and I pull the phone out in time to shove it down the front of my shirt. I could have been more daring and actually put it _in_ my shorts, but where's the fun in that? The question is: would he still attempt to get it?

I flip onto my back and give him the biggest shit eating grin I can muster. He's over top of me with a scowl on his face, though he looks no different than he normally does- just a slight bit more unimpressed.

“Now it's mine.”

“I don't think so.”

“Then how are you gonna get-”

I whimper quietly as he silences me with a kiss. Not quite what I was expecting and I'm more than a little caught off guard by the action. I don't mind in the least. I relax against his lips to let him continue as he wants. After just a few kisses, I'm addicted to him. I'd like to know how that works.

His fingers graze the bare skin of my stomach and a shiver runs up my spine. I swear to god it's like he knows how I function right off the bat. Has he been wanting to touch me like this since we met? Or is this something that grew over time? Either way, I'm glad he is.

He pulls away for a brief second to give me a knowing look that intrigues and confuses me at the same time. I'd like to know how his mind works, or understand what thoughts are running through his head right now. After last night, a barrier has been broken between us. I'm not pushing him away from the contact he gives me so he's free to do what he wants until I say otherwise.

I'm disoriented from the kiss and I've forgotten how to breathe once again. It's called a nose, Eren, maybe you should use it.

My heart is pounding against my chest and I'm curious to know if it's always going to be like this whenever he's so close. He does things to me that I've never felt before. I shouldn’t be so addicted to a single person.

I want his lips back on mine. I reach up to grab at the fabric of his shirt to pull him down, but he avoids my mouth all together and dips lower to nip at the side of my neck. Damn him to hell and back. The shiver I felt moments ago is amplified and gives me goosebumps all over my skin. His lips brush behind my ear and I curl his shirt weakly in my grip.

“L-Levi... that's-”

“It's what, Eren?”

If I could get more than three words out of my mouth I would be happy. My ability to talk has been ground up into bits and replaced with small noises that I muffle behind sealed lips and clamped teeth. He knows exactly what he's doing. I can practically feel him smirking into my neck with each jolt my body gives as a response.

“Is it sensitive?”

He knows damn well it is. Why else would I be flopping around like a dead fish whenever he so much as breathes against it? I have yet to understand if this is a punishment or payback for me being an ass, or if he's doing this to see how far he can go.

“Y-you're doing this on purpose.”

“Am I?”

The light touch of his lips is replaced with wet kisses behind my ear which drives me up the wall. It's pathetic how something so simple can make me cripple like a rag doll. I arch slightly against him only to feel his hand slide up the bottom of my shirt to pull out his phone.

Oh yeah.

He removes himself from my neck with a mocking grin- similar to the one I gave him when I took the damn thing. I'm left a panting, blushing mess as he slides his phone into his back pocket away from my reach.

“That wasn't so hard.”

No shit. Remind me to take his phone more often.

He sits down on my legs which feel like they've gone numb. My whole body is tingling and I'm trying to ignore the sensation growing in my shorts. Do I like Levi in that way? My body seems to think so. I would let him do that all over again if I could and I'd be willing to let him go further.

“You're an ass.”

“I already know that.”

I manage to pull off a pretty good pout as he taps his fingers rhythmically against my stomach. I've taken a liking to how often he has his hands on me or those soft touches he gives that I never noticed before. Everything has a meaning, however small.

There's a quiet thump on the other side of the door as Erwin comes stumbling into the room. My face goes bright red and I'm about ready to shove Levi off of my legs, but he doesn't move an inch. His actions are so nonchalant despite the weird position we're in. Levi glances over his shoulder where the larger man is trying to flatten down his wrinkled clothing. He must have had one rough night.

“You look like shit.”

Elegant words as always.

“Haven't slept yet.”

Erwin has been up all night? He doesn't strike me as the kind of person to drink himself stupid and party until the wee hours. Nile must be a crazy mofo too.

“If you puke in here, I swear to god I'll make you eat it.”

“I hold my liquor better than that. Besides, I'd only be barfing up hamburger.”

“You're disgusting.”

Erwin's eyes fall to me with a suggestive look on his face. Something tells me he forgot I was here or finally notice me trying to hide behind Levi's form. It'd rather avoid this awkward confrontation. Levi is straddling my legs while my sweater is pulled up to my ribs- not to mention Levi's hands in an androgynous place while my face looks like it's been sun burnt.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“No.”

“I don't believe you.”

“Why are you in my room?”

His gaze returns to Levi and I'm grateful for that. I'm dying of embarrassment over here and Levi looks like he has no two fucks to rub together.

“Is your phone off?”

“No.”

“I sent you a text ten minutes ago.”

“And?”

“You didn't respond.”

Oops. I may have had something to do with that.

“So you decided to come barging into my room?”

For someone who's drunk out of his mind, Erwin could pass as being completely sober. Besides the dishevelled look he has, his speech isn't slurred at all and his eyes are completely in focus. Looks like he wasn't lying when he said he could hold his alcohol well. Most teens would kill for that kind of composure.

“I was checking to see if you got my message.”

“I could have been asleep you ass crack.”

“But you aren't.”

“I could have been. That's the point.”

“But you aren't.”

There's no winning here. Erwin seems more tolerable to Levi's insults now than I've ever seen him before. I'd say he's enjoying himself quite thoroughly, trying to see which one of Levi's buttons he can push. Trying to have a civilized conversation now would be like talking to a wall- a very tall, handsome, blonde wall.

“Get out of here. You reek.”

“Yes sir, Captain Tidy.”

“Get out.”

It's impossible not to see how proud Erwin is of himself as he turns to leave. He heads for the bathroom where I'm predicting he'll drain every drop of hot water for a shower. Speaking of which, I could go for one myself. Sleeping in normal clothes feels so taboo.

I squirm a little in an attempt to get my legs out from under Levi's ass and his attention is soon drawn to me. It's like he doesn't care he gave Erwin the impression we were about to fool around. It wasn't like that at all and everything started with me stealing his phone. Then again, it's not as if Levi _had_ to go for my neck. He could have stopped at anytime.

“C-can I start breakfast now?”

“Sure.”

He leans down for a last kiss before shifting off my legs. I'm in a state of numbness, but I eventually get enough feeling back to push myself upright. I watch him change into a different [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/morlev/set?id=171421555) and I have to say he has a nice body. I shouldn't be staring as much as I am, but I can't help it. I can only see his back, but he's well toned that's for sure- unlike my scrawny bone wrack of a body. I can see the rest of his tattoo as it curls down his back and ends just below his shoulder blade. I'm still curious about it.

“Go ahead and change if you want. I'll be out on the balcony.”

Thank god he's not expecting me to change in front of him. I hate how I look and it has nothing to do with what anyone else says. I'm skinny and pale with cuts littered all over my skin. There's nothing appealing about that. And don't get me started on my face and my stupid eyes.

After rummaging through my things in the living room, I end up finding some of the few [clothes](http://www.polyvore.com/mornren/set?id=171422967) I have left that aren't dirty. I'll need to wash them at some point, but I'm nervous about using their washing machine. I use up their hydro on a daily basis yet I'm still not paying for anything. I'm a freeloader and it's making me feel bad.

I change quickly and head out to join Levi on the balcony I never knew existed. It's common knowledge that most apartments have them, but it's never dawned on me until now. Their place it's too high up, but the view is still nice regardless. It's a good enough spot to get out and breathe in something besides the muggy air of the indoors.

Levi is resting against the railing, leaning over with a cigarette dangling between his fingers and smoke dancing out from between his lips. It's occurred to me I haven't even smoked recently either. That used to be a constant thing and it became a bigger habit than cutting. It's a dreadful combination- neither of which are healthy.

“That was quick.”

“It doesn't take me 20 years to change.”

He snorts quietly before bringing the cigarette to his lips for a log drag. I see he hasn't failed to forget how long it took me to get ready yesterday. I like to look good before I go out. Sue me.

I join him in leaning against the rail. He offers me one of his nicotine sticks and it takes all of my strength to turn it down. I want to quit. I never liked smoking in the first place. It was relaxing at first, but then that enjoyment changed into making me feel like shit. It's a dirty habit I picked up and continued out of boredom and desperation. Why am I so hell bent on quitting now instead of a few weeks ago?

Levi takes a final inhale of his cigarette and crushes the but into the ashtray on the patio table. Leave if to Erwin to buy something so fancy for a place that's rarely used. One of these days, I'll get my own place just to deck it out in my tacky sense of decor.

But first things first...

“Do you think... you could help me get a job?”

The bigger question is- am I ready to work again? Overall, it seems like a good idea. I'll be making money again to help out with whatever expenses I can, and it will be some sort of motivation to get up in the morning. The days are so long and pointless when I'm parked on the couch with my computer. Of course, I still have Max, but that doesn't stop the growing boredom and mind wandering.

“You're serious?”

I nod slowly, but reluctantly. I don't want to go back to my old job. I haven't shown up for a week so it's safe to say I've been fired without being told. No texts from Connie either. Looks like Jean's friends never gave a shit about me.

“Anywhere in particular?”

Nothing comes to mind when I think of places I'd want to work. Fast food is out of the question. People are complete ass holes on the best of days let alone when they're starving and have been stuck in a car for however long. I love food and all, but working with the grease all day would make me feel sick. It's doubtful anyone would want to hire me with my lack of people skills, but it's worth a try.

“I haven't thought about it...”

“Can I give a suggestion?”

I glance at him as a response. He can say whatever he wants. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

“My boss has been looking to hire for the past week. You could give it a shot there... if you don't mind working at a grocery store.”

I like that suggestion more than I thought. Never mind working with strangers, I'd be able to work with Levi. Does that make me clingy? Won't he get tired of me when I'm going to be around him so much?

“What exactly do you do?”

“Stock mostly. Occasional cleaning, so nothing special.”

Stock equals lifting which may not be such a good idea. I like the thought, by my arms in the best condition to be lifting anything over a few pounds. I'm weak enough as it is without my body being so frail. I'm afraid I'll tear something. I could go for the cleaning aspect though, so I suppose it's worth a try. It's better than nothing.

“I could drive you in to drop off a resume tomorrow.”

Just thinking of writing a one makes me want to laugh. High school drop out, lacklustre grades, fired from last job for being a pathetic human being, no past work experience, no outstanding skills besides being able to cry. It'll take me more than a night to bullshit a presentable resume.

“Next week maybe. I don't have anything ready.”

“Suit yourself. I'll talk to my boss and let her know you're interested.”

His boss is going to be severely disappointed when she meets me. She better be a master of small talk and love awkward silences. I've only done one interview on my life- although it might not get to that point anyways.

I'm excited and nervous to be taking another step to getting my life back to normal. Once I have a job again, I'll be a functioning member of society. Things can start moving forward the way I want them to.

The silence is broken when my stomach makes a demonic noise in response to the lack of food. Levi snorts and moves closer to me to place his hand on the small of my back, guiding me to the door where Max is meowing like an idiot on the other side. I would like to let him out to join us, but I can't risk him jumping over the rail and running away.

The warmth of the apartment is inviting when we finally get back inside. I scoop Max up in my arms and nuzzle my nose into his soft fur earning me a series of loud purrs. Erwin has seated himself in the kitchen in a bathrobe with water droplets falling from his hair like some sort of Greek god. I'll admit he's attractive- just not my type.

The room is filled with Erwin's voice as he starts to ramble on about the night he had. He can remember all of it despite claiming to have had several shots of hard liquor. Levi takes a seat beside him while resting his chin in the palm of his hand. I don't miss the small looks he gives me whenever I find Erwin's stories to be funny. I return the glaces with soft smiles and continue listening to the never ending tale of Erwin's night.

I start finding ingredients for the pancakes and feel warmth flood through my body. I love this. These two are my family now. I haven't spoken much to Erwin on a personal level, but he's become somewhat of a brother to me. Levi is something more. He's been there for me as a sibling would, but I like him more than that. The thought of him holding me makes my heart flutter as if it's trying to fly out of my chest. Both of them are amazing people in their own way.

Levi gets up after a moment to help me with the cooking while I start to pour mixtures into a bowl. He stands behind me to watch, wrapping his arm around my waist and giving my hip a gentle squeeze. I meet his eyes and they're soft and caring: Levi in a nutshell. No words need to be spoken. He knows I enjoy the contact more than anything in the world.

The scene is so simple, but it's something I've been wanting this whole time. A chance to feel like I'm a part of something; that I'm more than a meaningless person placed on this earth to die. I feel wanted, loved. And that's all I could ask for.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! So much work T_T on top of that, my computer crashed and I had to do a factory reset. Why does technology hate me? D:

It's all thanks to my big mouth that I'm in this situation. What was I thinking wanting to go back to work? I mustn't have been in my right mind. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be out of the apartment, but I would prefer if I was under different circumstances.

It's been nearly three days now since I whipped up my pathetic excuse for a resume. I had plenty of time to throw down some bullshit on my computer and print it when Levi was off making millions of his own. I may have over exaggerated my past work experience just a little. If they ask me for references... I'm fucked.

I asked Erwin to read it over before I printed it and he said it looked decent enough to land me a job, although I'm not sure if he said that to be nice or if the comment was genuine. He picked out a few grammatical errors, but the rest was fine. I'm still hoping they don't look at it too closely.

Levi has the day off today, so he offered to drive me into his work to drop it off. I felt like a child going to school for the first time with how excited I felt or with how badly my palms were sweating.

I got [dressed](http://www.polyvore.com/int_ren/set?id=173599181) practically bounded to the car with the perfectly straight piece of paper in my hand and now I'm wondering where all that excitement went. Being in the threshold of the place shot the joy right out my ass and replaced it with anxiety. The piece of paper isn't so straight anymore now that it's been twisted in my hands.

There's no need for me to feel so much panic. I'm handing a sheet of paper to an average person for fuck sake. Why am I so afraid?

“Do you want me to walk in with you?”

Thank god.

I nod and take a gentle hold onto the sleeve of his [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/int_lev/set?id=173602116). I look like a toddler. If presentation is everything, then I'm failing pretty hard.

After all my years of living in Jackson, I've never set foot in this place. Of course, it's just your average grocery store- not like some high end building with a bunch of offices and everyone is a stick up ass and wearing a fancy shmancy suit. This is way more laid back. Instead of suits, it's black pants and long sleeve- thank god. As sad as it sounds, I wouldn't be able to work if the dress code required short- unless I want to get disgusted looks thrown my way.

I follow Levi through a few of the isles that lead to the back of the store. I have no idea where we're going, but I trust his sense of direction more than mine. He gets a few waves from some of the employees who looks about his age. Come to think of it, everyone here looks like they're at least 20.

We come to a stop in front of a couple red swinging doors that I can barely see past. The other side reminds me of a factory you'd see in an old movie. I'm staring at it with the deer caught in the headlights look when a small redhead steps into my view and gives us the biggest grin I've ever seen.

“Didn't realize you loved this place so much. Being here on your day off and all.”

“Don't sass me, Petra.”

This may be the first person I've seen that's smaller than Levi. The tiny redhead looks like she'd break if I so much as touched her. I suppose quite a few people could say the same about me. I'm nothing but a bone rack under my clothes.

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Is Hanji here?”

“Should be. I think she's in the back.”

“Can you get her?”

It doesn't take long for Petra's massive green eyes to fall to me. I blush lightly and lower my gaze to the ground. If I can't see her she can't see me, right?

“You're not going to introduce me to your friend? Rude.”

“This isn't a blind date.”

I can't see either of them, but I can tell from the sigh Petra makes that she's rolling her eyes. Her feet leave my view and head through the large doors to leave Levi and I alone again. It's not that I didn't like her, but there's something off putting about strangers in my personal space.

I return to crumpling the paper in my hand and it's only a matter of time before the ink becomes illegible- either from the folds of the sweat beading from my skin. Levi leans against the wall and crosses his arms and I join him, but minus the crossing arms part. The stance looks so casual for him. I'd end up looking like a tool bag if I stood like that.

“You nervous?”

“A little...”

A lot.

“Hanji won't bite your head off or anything. She's more likely to hug you to death.”

I'd like to find comfort in that thought, but I don't really want to have the air squeezed out of my lungs until I can't breathe. I know he's joking, but that doesn't make it any better since my mind is in a state of panic.

I let my eyes stray to some of the people around the store. People watching has been a past time of mine whenever I'm bored. Everyone has a story. If I wasn't such a chicken shit, I'd want to know about their lives. Maybe start a conversation and get to know what it's like to walk in their shoes. Am I the only one who thinks these things?

It's hard to believe some have it worse than me. My life seems like the pit of Satan's asshole compared to the innocent families pushing around their children in a crummy old shopping cart. A little girl is whining to her mother about not buying cookies and looks on the verge of tears. Children have no idea ho easy their lives are. I'd give anything to be that age just for another day. I want the innocence of knowing everything will be okay; that I'll grow up and go off to school to become a doctor or some shit.

“Well, what can I do for you, Levi?”

It's a woman's voice that reaches my ears, and it's not the same girl as before. I turn back to the red doors to find a slender woman with long brown hair. She doesn't look too much older than Levi, but she clearly works here judging by the pure black uniform and red logo.

Levi turns to me and nudges me in the ribs to erase the stunned look on my face. I shoot him a glare while the woman eyes us like we're a couple of idiots.

“I'm not here for anything. Eren just wanted to drop something off.”

I what?

Oh. This is his boss? I was expecting her to be a lot older. That's the stereotypical thing I think whenever I hear that word anyways. Old and cranky. But instead she brings her attention to me with a giant grin on her face looking as if I'm about to hand her a big, fat cheque. Instead, it's a crumpled up half assed resume. Close enough.

“Is that so?”

Her voice is cheery and a little too high pitched for my liking. I have no clue how girls can make their voices go up twenty octaves when they're happy. Her deep brown eyes are only amplified buy the giant rectangular glasses she has hanging on the edge of her nose. They're even bigger than mine.

“Um...I...wanted to give you this.”

My hands are shaky, but I clam them down enough to remain still for all of ten seconds while the woman stares at the paper I present to her. I'm desperately hoping she doesn't care about the quality. I totally didn't pull this page out of my ass or anything.

“S-sorry... it's a little messed up.”

Her eyes light up in an eerie way while she takes the disheveled resume. I tuck my now empty hands behind my back just in time for them to start shaking again. She scans the page and each word makes her grin even larger. She's creepy but intriguing at the same time. At least she hasn't tried to hug me to death.

“So, Eren was it?”

I nod despite the fact her eyes aren't even directed at me.

“How do you feel about an interview? It's short notice, but it won't take too long.”

Is she serious? My eyes meet Levi and he's giving me a reassuring grin all while keeping his nonchalant posture. It's stupid to get so excited over an interview. I was excited before and somehow all of that went out the damn window.

“Is it alright if I steal him from you for a few minutes?”

A typical Levi response of rolling his eyes.

“Knock yourself out.”

I didn't realize she meant right now. Aren't you supposed to go home and they awkwardly call you to come in? Or the alternative: you go home and wait for a call that will never come. I've been disappointed that way many times. I can't tell you how many resumes I'd thrown around town when I'd been desperately searching for a job after I dropped out of school. One look at me and everyone turned the other direction. Having a high school diploma is mandatory criteria for way too many places.

Levi's boss waves me over to follow her through the red doors and I skip behind her like a child to walk at her heels. The place is huge. The typical storage area when it comes to shipments of food and god knows what else coming in. There's skids of canned goods, metal shelves stacked to the ceiling, I spot a small office to the left with a chair and a few phones, giant walk in freezers. This damn place has everything.

I'm lead past what looks like a break room and into a smaller office. Nothing special- a desk, chair, table, few monitors with the cameras set up throughout the store. It would be fun to sit in here all day and watch what other people are doing. Does that make me a creep?

“Have a seat, Eren.”

There's a separate chair located beside her desk and I situate myself in it, wiggling a little to get comfortable. She takes a seat her the giant plush chair which looks ten times more comfy than the thing I'm sitting in. I keep my legs close together with my hands shoved in my lap. Stiff as a plank.

“You're a little nervous. I can tell.”

Damn it. I was hoping I could play it off cool- or somehow convince her this is how I normally sit. Is it that obvious I'm a nervous wreck?

“A little.”

“That's common. Everyone gets nervous before an interview. It's actually a very common fear.”

That isn't very comforting, even though it's supposed to be. I know she's trying to make polite conversation, or small talk, but I prefer to get out of here as soon as possible. All the excitement has once again left through my ass at mach 5 and isn't coming back.

“Feel free to call me Hanji. Is Eren alright for you, or do you go by something else?”

“No... Eren's fine.”

Hanji gives me the most genuine smile I've ever seen and I'm wondering where she gets all this motivation to be chipper and happy. She isn't at all what I envisioned. Her style is unique that's for sure. I didn't notice before, but the tips of her hair are dyed green. Not a 'stick up their ass' type person and I'm glad for that.

“So, tell me about yourself, sweety.”

Sweety? Is she for real?

Never mind that. What exactly am I going to tell her? Maybe that I've failed at everything I've ever done. That's a good reason to hire me, right?

“I... don't know were to start.”

“Anything you want. What do you do for fun?”

Is this an interview or a casual conversation? Nothing about this seems professional at all. Maybe Hanji really doesn't care. I haven't known her for more than a few minutes, but I can tell she's a laid back person. The office doesn't reflect her personality at all.

“I have a cat...”  
Damn it, Eren. That's not what she asked you. I do my cat for fun? Now she'll think I'm an idiot, either that or she'll think I'm into bestiality. These are my social skills at their finest.

“That's... I didn't mean for it to come out like that.”

I should probably stop talking.

Luckily, she gives me a toothy grin and chuckles behind her palm. At least my stupidity is amusing to her. The alternative of having her stare uncomfortably at me while I try to fix my last sentence would makes this extremely awkward. I'd only make it worse by continuing to talk.

“Does it have a name?”

“Max.”

“At least I know you're a cat person. I have three myself. Picked the poor little things off the street. Couldn't very well leave them outside could I?”

“Three?”

“Soon to be more actually. My little tiger lily is pregnant.”

Why are we talking about cats?

She sighs in a way that could be considered irritated and leans back in her chair to cross her legs. I want to be that relaxed. Instead I'm frozen in the chair with my toothpick arms shoved between my legs like I have to pee.

“I could talk about her all day, but I should get on with the interview.”

My clothes aren't very suitable for an interview, but what can I do? I wasn't prepared at all for this. Makes me happy that I didn't bother to wear my stupid glasses so I don't look like a total geek. It's about time I got contacts instead. Thank god sunglasses don't make me look like an idiot or I'd be ripping them off my head right about now.

“So, when are you available, Eren?”

“Any time really.”

Can't give a better response than that without making me sound like a dud. My life is boring. No sports, no activities, no partying. I'm as dull as they come- which I suppose is a good thing when it comes to hiring. That's my only good quality.

“Do you drive?”

“No... I usually take the bus.”

She nods with a smile and turns her eyes fall to the paper on her desk. That same crumpled hunk of garbage she took from me a few moments ago. I have a few more in Levi's car to pass around town if this one doesn't go over so well.

“I see you've worked before. What was that job like?”

Besides dealing with people, it was alright. Unlucky for my that interacting with people is mandatory in any job. Every single day I remember there being an asshole who decided to yell at me and ruin the rest of my shift- as if it wasn't shitty enough to begin with. People like that shouldn't be let out of the house.

“It was alright. I was a cashier, but I did a little bit of stocking.”

“That's mostly what you'll be doing here. Are you alright with lifting?”

No.

“Yeah.”

“Do you mind working mornings?”

I hate mornings.

“That's fine.”

Why don't I just let my ass talk for me?

“Do you want to start tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

Wait... what?

“Consider yourself hired.”

“T-that's it?”

I barely talked at all. This has got to be the shortest interview in the history of employment. One thing right after another. She chuckles softly again and rolls forward in her chair while I look clueless and lost at what she just said to me.

“I've been looking to hire for a long time now. You're available and willing to work so it's your lucky day.”

And I was all worried for no reason at all. I could have been a homeless bum on the street and she would have hired me. Makes my life ten times easier now that the interview only lasted a span of thirty seconds.

“You'll need to buy black pants and boots. Are you alright with that?”

“Y-yeah that's fine.”

I'm still trying to wrap my head around being employed again. Money is a glorious thing.

“I can schedule you in for tomorrow morning. 7 O'clock alright for you?”

Shoot me now. That's the time Levi normally works. Having him shuffling around in the kitchen just past six normally wakes me up. I'm always groggy at that time with my brain feeling like it's about to explode. I can't turn down my first shift, so I'll have to suck it up.

“Sure.”

She pipes up and scribbles a few things down on a piece of paper with that same chipper look on her face. Having her as a boss wont be so bad- especially if she's like this all the time.

“You'll be training for most of the day. 7am until 3:30. I'll have you start with Levi.”

Could this have worked out any better? Never mind the shitty hours for the shift; I get to train with Levi. Maybe working again won't be so bad. Everything is new so I'll have plenty of stuff to take in for the first time.

“Did you have any questions for me?”

I shake my head while she reaches her arm out, inviting me for a quick shake of her hand. I try to return a smile the best I can without having the blush on my face go out of control.

“It was nice to meet you, Eren. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Y-yeah. You too.”

That was the simplest thing I've ever had to do. Even easier than buttering my toast this morning. I fail to understand how I got butter from one end of the kitchen to another. Not very encouraging now that Levi has said I'm allowed to cook when he's not home. He needs to get prepared for a disaster zone.

Hanji leads me out of the office and back to the red doors. With a quick wave, she's gone around the corner, skipping off over the concrete floor like a child playing hopscotch. How old is she anyway?

Levi is waiting for me in the same spot. His eyes have fallen shut and he's still managed to keep himself upright with his arms crossed. The sound of my steps must have caught his attention 'cause he looks up at me as soon as I'm next to him.

“That was fast.”

I nod and lower my eyes; crossing my arms in front of my and playing nervously with my fingers.

“And? Did it go well?”

“I, um... start tomorrow.”

“Then I'll take that as a yes.”

I finally meet his eyes and they have a soft look to them. His expression doesn't change much, but I can tell what he's feeling simply from looking at his eyes. I've never noticed how gray they are. I'm starting to like them more and more.

He takes my hand and laces our fingers sending a shiver down my spine. He's starting to touch me more and more and I soak up every last second. I let our hands join to have him walk me back to the front of the store. My whole body is heating up and my face feels like it's melting. It sounds terrible, but it's actually quite nice. It's something I've never felt before.

“I need black shoes and pants.”

Anything to break the silence. The sounds of the store are drowned out from me focusing on the gentle touch of his hand. Nothing else matters right now. I want his hand to stay connected with mine forever. Having to go looking for new clothes is a perfect excuse to do just that.

“This means another shopping trip, doesn't it?”

 


	26. Chapter 26

 

I'm happy to say our second trip out shopping ended better than the last. Overall, I enjoy going out with Levi, but it's everyone else I get anxious about. I couldn't help but glance around every five seconds to see if someone was staring at me like I'm a disgusting human being. I got the occasional glance, but nothing comparable to last time.

We didn't end up going to any fancy stores or restaurants. Just the average clothing joint to pick out a pare of plain black pants and boots. I prefer my clothing a little snugger than most, so skinny jeans were my pick. Probably not the best choice when it comes to moving around. I gathered twenty pares in my arms before heading over to the change room to see which ones fit perfectly.

The shoes were the easy part. No change room needed- and I'll admit I take hours in those things. Most of my time inside consists of me staring into the full length mirror and making sure my ass doesn't look huge in whatever I'm wearing.

Instead of going to a sit down place for supper, we settled for fast food with the typical burger and fries. We stopped at a park on the way back to the apartment to eat. Levi claimed he would push me out of the car if I got grease on his seats, so eating outside was my idea.

We took a short walk (my idea again) just for an excuse for me to hold his hand. Our fingers stayed laced the whole time and it was painful to let him go when we got back to the car. I suppose it's a little hard to drive with just one hand. Not that I would know; I have no interest in driving.

We got back to the apartment as the sun disappeared over the tops of the buildings, casting long shadows being overlooked by a pink sky. We met Erwin in the parking lot who was on his way out go bowling with a friend that remained nameless. Levi gave me a suggestive eye leading me to believe he was on for a hot date and didn't want to tell us.

Max greeted us at the door like an obedient dog waiting to be fed. He meowed a few times and rubbed himself across my legs leaving a trail of gray hairs along my jeans. He's lucky he's so adorable or I'd be giving him shit. Or maybe it's my fault for not brushing him enough.

I end up hobbling into the living room to throw the bags of clothing on the couch as if they weigh a thousand pounds. I rummage through the bag to fold my pants neatly so they won't be wrinkled for tomorrow. It's stupid how excited I am about a new pare of pants. I look pretty good in them, I'm not gonna lie.

Levi closes the door and slumps back onto the couch to cross his legs in his nonchalant manner. He has a separate bag dangling in his hand and I have yet to see what he bought. He refused to let me see even after I begged him and gave him the puppy dog eyes for most of the ride home. It didn't seem to work as well as it did before.

I think I'm losing my charm. Time to try again.

I position myself in front of him with a pout on my lips trying my best not to crack a smile and seem 100% serious. All he does is raise an eyebrow, shifting the stud a little higher on his face.

“May I help you?”

“Can I see now?”

I don't care what it is. Maybe he bought a new shirt or something. I love seeing people in new clothes, and Levi can pull off anything- lucky bastard.

He simply smirks lightly and hands the bag over to me without a second thought. I was expecting a little more of a fight than that. Now I'm skeptical about looking inside.

“You're gonna hand it to me just like that?”

“Is that a complaint?”

I shake my head lightly and take the plastic bag out of his grasp. He lets go the second I grab it and I'm left giving him an odd look while I look inside. Hopefully it's not something dirty. Although that would explain why he wouldn't let me see it until we were inside.

I peer into the bag and from the looks of it, it's only fabric. Clothing no doubt. The top item is all black so it's hard to tell what it is.

“So... what is it?”

“Go try it on.”

What?

More deer in the headlights look from me.

“I-it's... for me?”

He leans back against the couch like a snobby king or something while he takes in the sight of my cheeks burning to the colour of flames.

“When did you-”

“I picked out a few things while you were taking an hour in the change rooms.”

I didn't mean to. I want to make sure everything fits perfectly before I buy it. I was even more concerned this time since my funds are running low. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on clothes that cut the circulation out of my waist. I'm down to about ten dollars in my account now.

“Now get your butt into the bathroom and try them on. I want to see when you're done.”

Them? So now it's plural. Meaning this black lump of fabric isn't the only thing in the bag.

He gives me a little finger wag to usher me into the bathroom where I close to door quietly behind me. He really didn't need to get me anything and now I feel like crap that I never thought to buy something for him. I'm a shitty human being.

I'm a little too excited as I rummage through the bag to pull out what looks like an entire [ensemble](http://www.polyvore.com/homren/set?id=174192734). All dark shades. Black top and thigh highs and a gray pare of shorts. I'm hoping to god he doesn't hear the squeak that escapes my lips. Only Levi would think to get me thigh highs with cat faces on the top. What a turd.

I practically rip my clothes off and throw on the new outfit. When I'm done, it looks like a bomb went off in the room with the amount of shit everywhere. I shove my old clothes into the bag to tidy up a little and go to stand in front of the mirror over the sink. It's not a full length one, but it lets me see enough if I stand back.

I swear to god, Levi knows my style better than I do.

The tiny cat faces end at my thighs and the shorts are high cut, which is different than I normally wear, but I like the change. The top covers my arms down to the wrist and ends just bellow my ribs to expose my pasty stomach. The size is perfect and everything hugs my body the way I want. Overall, I love it.

I prance to the bathroom door to head back out into the living room. Levi is sitting in the exact same spot pretending he wasn't just staring at the door. My arms fold in front of me when his sharp gray eyes meet mine; as if I need a reason to blush any harder. He doesn't say anything, but does the weird high to low pitch whistle as he scans the new addition to my wardrobe.

“D-does it look okay?”

“Better than okay.”

I smile softly and shuffle over to him, pulling lightly at the sleeve of the top just for an excuse to give me something to do. I'm pretending to adjust the arms even though my hands have no purpose for being there. I do a slow rotation for him and I'm met with another low whistle. Of all people, I wouldn't mind if Levi started cat calling me.

“Now, there's no way you can tell me you don't feel cute.”

“A little...”

Okay, maybe more than a little.

Although, I'm still a little weary of wearing such revealing clothes, but I don't see the problem with wearing them around the apartment until I grow the balls to wear this kind of stuff in public again. A least Erwin hasn't made any comments about it. Most of the time he has an 'I don't give a fuck' look on his face.

“But, I'm not cute...”

He gives me this look that I see for a couple milliseconds before he takes my hand to pull me onto his lap. I'm straddling him again like I had a few days ago and there's no way he didn't hear the squeak this time. My hands get placed on his shoulders to balance myself and my face in inches from his.

“You're cute if I say you're cute.”

My mind is off somewhere in space because I don't notice his hand cupping my cheek until he starts to pull me closer. I let him guide me until out lips connect with a feather light touch. My whole body seems to cave in and all the air leaves my lungs. This time, I remember I have a nose. I'm not left gasping and panting like an idiot when he continues for longer.

I melt into the kiss, letting him take control while I sit on his lap and soak up everything he gives me. His fingertips trace my sides so delicately that it gives me chills. I squeeze his shoulders and part my lips to let him slide his tongue inside. I want more of him. Every fiber in my being is screaming at me, begging me to go further. My heart feels like it's going to shatter my rib cage if I don't stop soon, but I really don't care.

Do I love him? Maybe it's to early to tell. It's only been a few days since I realized my feelings surpassed those of friendship. Love seems absurd at this point, right? But why else would my heart be pounding this hard? Why else would I be getting this warm feeling in my gut whenever I see him smile at me, or when we're in the same room. Why do I love holding his hand so much, or crave his touch? I've had these feelings before. I felt the exact same way after getting together with Jean.

Jean.

No, no, no. I can't let that happen again. Everything is fake. Love is fake. It's dangerous when it comes to me. Everyone I love ends up leaving, so why would Levi be any different? Jean promised he would love me forever, so why was it so easy for him to walk away? Love isn't meant for someone like me. It's been like that the whole time and only now am I cluing in.

I don't deserve this. I shouldn't be treated gently like a china doll. I don't deserve such a caring person like Levi. He should find someone who's not a bunch of shattered pieces or a compulsive liar. What will happen when I start lying again? It didn't end so well the last time. Telling the truth shouldn't be hard at all, but what can I say; I'm a fuck up.

The only noise I manage to get out is a quiet whimper while I push against Levi's shoulders to break the kiss. I swear my heart is going to come up my throat. This was a bad idea. I never should have let myself get close to him.

“L-Levi, wait.”

He's giving me that concerned look he wears all too well. His deep eyes are scanning my face looking for any detail I can give him as to why I decided to push him away.

“Did I hurt you?”

Emotionally, yes. Psychologically, yes.

I love him.

“N-no... I just-”

Don't cry. Don't cry. Fuck.

Cue me turning into a blubbering idiot. My next goal should be trying to last a day without crying. It's making my head throb and headaches are never fun. Then maybe I won't be such a pain in the ass to deal with.

“Eren, what's wrong?”

“Sorry... I'm sorry.”

I have to apologize again for being an unpredictable child. I want to let myself be comfortable. I want nothing more than to let myself love again and be able to accept being touched. The more I think about it, the more wrong it is. Every second together, I grow to love Levi more and that cage I've locked myself away in starts to deteriorate. I'm leaving myself vulnerable.

“Sorry for what?”

Maybe I should be apologizing for falling for him. If we'd stayed friends like before, none of this would be happening. Friendship is one thing, but love is another.

I make a sad attempt to wipe my tears away with the palm of my hand, but I only succeed in spreading the salty water across my face. I'd like to know how Levi finds any of this attractive. I ruin every single evening by being upset.

“I-I can't do this, Levi.”

I want to, but I can't.

“Why not?”

No need for him to ask what I'm not capable of doing. Me breaking down after a short make out session is a good enough explanation. The bigger question is, how do I put this into words for him? What does it bottle down to?

Being with him feels so good, but what if it all ends? Even now I find it hard to pull myself away from him. I'm starting to follow Levi around like a puppy the same way I did with Jean. I'm relying on him too much and I'm afraid one day he'll be gone. Maybe there's only one way to say it.

“I'm scared.”

The answer is so broad, but that's the only way I can explain this blender of emotions swirling around in my head. I'm scared of letting myself love again.

“What are you scared of?”

From the look on his face, I'm starting to think Levi is putting the blame on himself; that I'm afraid of continuing because I'm scared he'll hurt me. But it's not the physical stuff I'm worried about.

“I-I liked someone before... and they left me, Levi... t-they all end up leaving.”

My voice cracks like a robot and I press a balled up hand to my mouth to block the disgusting noises I'm making. Crying is never strictly tears, I get the whole onslaught of fluids which makes me look and feel gross.

“I-I'm sorry... I know you want to... but, I can't.”

He's the one who initiated it after all. He wants to get close to me and I'm pushing him away. There's no winning here.

“P-please don't hate me.”

I can barely see him through my clouded vision. A headache is starting to pound in the back of my head and that's the last thing I need; it's hard enough to think as it is. I hope it goes away before I start work tomorrow. I want at least one thing in my life to go right.

“Eren, do you remember what I told you?”

He speaks quietly and pulls the hand away from my lips, cradling it between his own. They're soft save for a callus or two on the tips of his fingers from the rough surface of the guitar strings. Maybe one day I can hear him play again.

I shake my head slowly. He's told me quite a few things and as of right now, my mind it drawing a blank. A lot of the time I zone out while he talks. It's not that I'm trying to be rude; my mind likes to wander and I only manage to pick up bits and pieces of what he's saying. It's instinct at this point to make small agreeing noises whenever there's a silence.

“If you keep living for other people, you're never going to be happy. Don't force yourself to do something just because you know I want to. If you're not ready, then you're not ready.”

I remember something along those lines. That I should live for myself.

“I understand you're scared. You just got out of a relationship so don't rush yourself. I'll wait for you.”

“But... what if I'm never ready?”

“Then I'll still be here.”

“But, what if you're not? W-what if you-”

“Eren, I'm not going anywhere.”

The look in his eyes sends goosebumps all the way across my body. He looks dead serious. I want to believe him so bad. My heart want to give myself to him in every way possible, but my brain is telling me it's all fake. Past experiences are haunting me and leading me to believe everyone is going to walk out of my life. Maybe Levi is different. I need to convince myself of that.

I sniffle as quietly as I can manage while Levi brushes his thumbs gently under my eyes. I'm sure I've accumulating bags under them with the lack of sleep and copious amount of crying. They'll stick out even more with how pasty white my skin looks.

“What if you're lying?”

What a stupid question.

“I have never lied to you, Eren, and I don't intend to.”

At least one of us has that mindset.

I finally give myself a break to take a couple breaths as an attempt to calm down. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm making all these assumptions and they're making the decisions for me. One moment I think one thing, and the next I think something completely different.

“I'm sorry... for being the most confusing person ever...”

He snorts lightly with my comment and a smile tugs at the corners of my lips. I'm putting him through such bullshit, but he's still here. He's just as stubborn as I am. Although it seems like we're polar opposites when it comes to emotions; I express mine way too much, yet Levi hides his away behind a blank expression.

“No more crying, alright? Let just put this behind us.”

I'm in full agreement with that.

“I won't try to kiss you like that again until you're ready.”

I give a shallow nod and there's a silence that passes between us, but it's comfortable. He pushes me closer to press our foreheads together and my eyes flutter shut which I'm hoping will help the pain wracking my skull. His hands trace the skin on my sides until my meet behind my back where they come together to hold me.

My eyelids crack open slightly to watch my fingertips slide along the folds of his shirt. I find amusement in such small things. I pinch the creases between my fingers and enjoy the smooth feeling of the fabric. He smells like soap and cleaning products. That's way better than the alternative.

“I...never thanked you for buying me the clothes.”

“You don't need to thank me.”

“D-do you want me to buy you anything?”

He snorts again and his fingers start to make delicate circles along the skin of my back. If he keeps that up, he'll be finding certain areas that make me cripple like broken statue.

“I'd like to think my compensation is getting to see you wear them.”

“Is this going to be a regular thing?”

“Maybe.”

I smile softly and let my body relax against his. My hands are curled up against my chest while I nuzzle myself into the crook of his neck. I might not be able to take things further sexually, but I still want the feeling of being touched. Maybe someday I can convince my body that loving Levi is the right choice.

“Can I... sleep in your room tonight?”

“If that's what you want.”

I may be scared of loving, but I'm still scared of being alone.

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My updates are getting later and later T_T I've somehow gone from 24 hours of work a week to 40... and I'm supposed to be part time. I think my boss hates my soul.  
> Anywhoo, enjoy the update. I have so many chapters planned, but no motivation to write after work *cries*
> 
> I made more fic scribbles! <3
> 
> http://41.media.tumblr.com/e8822ee4dc33d148cc364094bed16a81/tumblr_nulbu98iMc1rbt6i8o1_500.jpg
> 
> http://36.media.tumblr.com/5cebdee3c9941ba77fb4c565f2238b9f/tumblr_nu4x29E1s91rbt6i8o1_500.jpg

It was harder than usual for me to fall asleep. I was keeping myself awake with a billion thoughts and what ifs, and mentally kicking myself for being too afraid to let Levi touch me further than he had before. It was a kiss for fuck sakes and I pushed him away like he'd burned me. My mind was telling me one thing while my heart was screaming another and I couldn't find a middle ground.

I laid awake for most of the night staring at the black ceiling listening to the soft breaths Levi took while sleeping. The light from the desk clock lit up a small portion of his face and it still baffles me at how different he looks when he's asleep. That crease above his brow leaves completely and his frown is replaced with slightly parted lips and relaxed features.

Regardless of my thoughts before, I stayed as close to him as possible with my back pressed against his chest, curled up like a kitten to it's mother- speaking of which Max has taken a liking to sleeping at the end of Levi's bed which leaves me even less space to move.

Overall, I got a couple hours of sleep to do me for the day. My body hated me enough to knock me out two hours before I had to get up. The clock alarm scared me half to death when it sounded at 5:30am. It's such a painful event to wake up when the sun is gone and has yet to turn the sky pink.

Levi is the first to make a noise when he groans and slaps the button on the top of the clock to shut it up. My eyes are having a hard time staying open and I'm cursing my idea to go back to work. I hated it before, so it's doubtful I'll be enjoying it now.

I have yet to uncurl myself from the warm sheets and the cool air is already nipping at my face. Levi shifts up close to me and it's not helping the hard time I've having trying to pry myself out of bed. He's so warm that I'm practically forced to move against him. He gives my shoulder a small shake to make sure I'm up and I reply with a small whine.

“Come on, bright eyes.”

That's a new one.

His voice is low and quiet next to my ear giving my skin a new set of goosebumps. I whimper again when he gets out of bed and ends up shifting the covers away from me. My eyes follow him while he shuffles around the room to grab a few things out of his drawer and grab a towel from behind the door.

Even showers don't sound fun. Normally they're nice since it's warm as hell and you can stand under the spray for hours without realizing how much time has passed. Getting out is the painful part I never look forward to.

Normally I'm dead asleep when Levi has to get up for work and I'm not liking this change. He's gone from the room and I can see into the rest of the apartment through the opened door where Erwin is already up and standing next to the coffee pot leaning over to read something on the island. He doesn't look tired at all.

I'm in nothing but a skimpy [tank top](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=177170610) and shorts so I try to sneak out of bed without drawing too much attention to myself. Levi returns to the room after fifteen minutes in the shower and I locate my own clothes and painfully drag myself to the bathroom.

I come close to falling asleep in the shower two or three times, but catch myself after my shoulder hits the cold tile on the wall jolting me awake again. I change into the work clothes before heading out to place my folded laundry in Levi's room. I can't keep leaving my shit in the living room or it's going to look dirty. The least I can do is keep my things tidied into one area.

Erwin offers me coffee and I decline. I'm not a big eater or drinker in the morning. My appetite is getting better, but I'm still going to end up starving myself until lunch rolls around.

We end up taking the car while I felt guilty about it until Levi informed me Erwin gets a ride to work with one of his friends. I rode shotgun like before until we turned up at the exact same spot we did yesterday. The place looks different now that my brain is half functional. I see a few others in the same uniform entering the building who are clearly starting at the same time we are. I have no idea who they are, but I can see the redheaded girl from before. Petra I think her name was.

Levi parks and I scramble out of the car holding my bag to carry my shoes and what small amount of money I have in my wallet. Levi has his usual plastic bag and he somehow makes carrying one look cool.

I'm lead through the front doors and into the back with the all the crazy industrial equipment. We pass the room I had the interview in and into another small room with a couple tables, chairs and a row of lockers- no doubt the break room area. I'm left alone for a minute or two while Levi disappears to get me my uniform shirt. I instantly take the long sleeve to pull it over the one I'm already wearing. There is a t-shirt option but there's no way in hell I'm wearing it.

The same small redhead comes into the break room with a toothy smile on her face and heads straight for us. I'm envious of those who can be so chipper in the morning. Some of us are only built for the midnight hours.

“Morning you two.”

Levi gives a non committal answer and I stay completely silent like the antisocial person I am. Petra's green eyes stay on me as she offers me her tiny hand to shake.

“I'm Petra. I heard you were starting today so I wanted to formally introduce myself before the place gets too hectic.”

I shake her hand lightly and give the best smile I can muster for this hour of the morning. Her grip is so fragile that I feel like I might break her if I squeeze too hard. To call her petite would be the understatement of the century.

“Eren.”

My voice sounds disgustingly groggy.

“Maybe I'll see you a bit later. Eld is waiting for me to go help him. See you guys around. Don't be too hard on him, Levi.”

I barely have time to open my mouth before she's out of the room. There's no way someone could have that kind of energy without begin hyped up on caffeine.

Levi gives a simple response of rolling his eyes before taking my bag and putting it in a locker. There aren't any locks on them, but the place has a camera anyway so it's not like someone would have the balls to steal without thinking they would get caught.

He leads me out of the break room to show me all the details of the place before any work happens. It's as if we're taking one of our average walks down the street together. Levi rambles on about whatever he wants, explaining the store while I stay silent and listen. We pass a couple others working who are too busy to acknowledge us, and we pass Petra and whoever she said she was working with- I've already forgotten his name.

I'm shown where the break and work schedules are posted and the different sections. I insisted Levi show me what the inside of the walk in freezer looked like. I'm sure I'll see it plenty of times, but I've always been curious if they look like the ones from the horror films where the psychopaths keep dead bodies. Sadly, grocery store freezers aren't that exciting.

I follow behind Levi like a puppy, nearly falling into him and stepping on his heals. I can be a pain in the ass, but he just looks back at me and smirks this stupidly tired grin. I have the layout of the store mapped in my head to the best of my abilities, names on the other hand are a completely different story. I'll have an easy time remembering Petra. So far she's the only female I've seen working here.

The store remains half dark for an hour until it actually opens. I was getting used to working in the dark and my retinas did not appreciate the blinding light coming on immediately after the clock hit 8am. My work finally started at that point as Levi started showing me the stacks of bread in the backroom piled higher than what I could reach. He showed me around the bakery section where he claimed I would be for most of the day. Bread is easy enough to lift so I don't have to worry about being strong or tearing something in my arm. The last thing I need is to start bleeding and having people stare at me. It smells nice too. Cakes, muffins, cookies. All the good stuff.

The next few hours pass by in a flash. The next time I look at the clock it's nearly my first break. I'd been soaking up every last bit of information Levi could give me so I could do a good job for my first day alone- whenever that is. I know I won't be able to have Levi looking over my shoulder every hour of the day, but one can only hope. We didn't talk much, but it was hard to hear each other over the background noise of families and the radio playing through the store.

We took our breaks at the same time and sat together in the break room, thankful to get off my feet for a little bit. I nibbled silently on a cookie from the bag Levi bought while we were working. One of the perks of stalking is getting to see all the good stuff before it goes out. It just so happened some of the cookies were on sale. Levi hasn't eaten or touched any yet; leading me to believe he bought them for me.

Within fifteen minutes, we're back on the floor with more stacks of bread. It's a constant cycle of filling the shelves whenever they get too low. I hate seeing a blank spot even though there's no way for me to prevent people from buying stuff. It takes me forever to locate where anything goes while Levi is throwing things everywhere like he lives here. He must know the store better than his own apartment.

Another couple hours fly by before I see Petra again, bounding over with her hands behind her back looking around to observe what we've been doing. I meet her gaze and she smiles as she pushes a strand of orange hair behind her ear. Long hair must be annoying.

Levi's name is paged over the store from a voice that sounds like Hanji. I'm shocked I even remembered her name, but I kept it lodged in my brain thinking it would be rather awkward if I forgot it. I need to be well antiquated with the managers to be on their good side. I hear that makes working a hell of a lot easier. Levi catches me out of my daze with a small tap on the shoulder.

“I need to take this call. I'll be back in ten.”

It's not like I can beg him to stay. Well... I could, but it wouldn't get me too far so I'm forced to nod while he weaves through a stream of people. I'll need to get used to him not being around. Whenever I'm alone I get that sinking feeling that I'm going to mess up and have no one to turn to when everything goes down the toilet. I try to focus on stacking the bread while watching Levi speed walk into the backroom. He can move pretty fast for someone who has short legs.

“You like him, don't you?”

I finally notice Petra standing beside me, leaning against the shelf with this knowing eye. I still can't get over how tiny she is. I snap my eyes away to focus back on what I was doing before, but that doesn't stop the heat from rushing to my face. What does she mean by 'like'? There's no way she could know I'm pansexual just by looking. Maybe she meant it in a friendly manner.

“Well... yeah, I do live with him. He's nice.”

I'm trying so hard to keep my voice from stuttering. Her eyes are burning the hair from my skull and I know she isn't content with my answer by the small huff she gives in response.

“No, I mean... you _like_ him, don't you?”

I can't help but notice the emphases she puts on that one word. Clearly she didn't mean it in a friendly way at all. Either she's a mind reader, or it's painfully obvious to anyone who looks at us. Is she mad? Disgusted? It wouldn't be the first time someone hated me for liking a guy.

“N-no... he's just a friend.”

She lets out a laugh that sounds like an animated chipmunk, but somehow she pulls it off and makes it sound cute.

“You don't have to cover it up, Eren. I saw the way you were looking at him.”

How the hell did she figure that out from me looking? It's not like I was checking him out or anything. At least she doesn't sound mad. It makes me feel better to know I'm not going to be treated differently. I don't want things to turn to shit on my first day.

“I wasn't-”

“It's nothing bad. I used to look at him like that too.”

“Like what?”

“Like he's the only person that will ever matter to you.”

I lower my eyes a little and neglect my work for a moment to replay her voice over and over again in my head. Is that really how I look at him? This is one of those 'my brain is saying one thing, but my heart another' situations.

“You liked him?”

She nods with a hint of embarrassment crossing her features. She's managed to hide herself between the stack of bread and the shelf away from hear shot of any nosy customer who could be eavesdropping.

“I did. He trained me when I first started working here and I developed a little crush on him. We became decent work friends and I talked to him about my family issues, so he helped me through a rough patch in my life. I asked him out after a year and he shot me down.”

“What do you mean?”

“He told me I wasn't his type. I thought he meant it as an insult at first... until he made a comment about me not having a dick.”

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me. Blunt and straight forward. Everyone has their preferences. Petra seems like a sweet girl, but if there's no attraction, then there's no attraction. You can't force yourself to like someone solely based on personality.

I can't help the amused smirk that crosses my face. I wish I could have been there to see how Petra reacted or the dumbfounded look on her face when she found out Levi was gay. From the looks of it, there were no hard feelings after that. I never would have guessed judging by how they act around each other. Levi is as sarcastic with her as he is with me.

“So, you guys are still friends?”

“Work friends if anything. We don't hang out much outside of work. The occasional text and whatnot.”

“So, this is where you wandered off to.”

A third voice cuts through the low chatter of the surrounding customers. It's another guy who works here- dead giveaway from the shirt. I hadn't seen him earlier so I'm assuming he just got here. He looks older than me by a few years at least and has a weird hair cut that reminds me of Levi, only curly and blonde.

“You shouldn't be bothering the newbie.”

Really? Is that what I'm being called now? His groggy voice makes the name more annoying.

“I'm not bothering him, Auruo.”

“Well then, you shouldn't be distracting him. He's doing a shitty enough job already.”

I visibly flinch at his comment, glancing down the shelves Levi had assigned me to. They don't look that bad. Why is he saying they look terrible?

“I-I'm trying.”

“Then try harder.”

“Leave him alone. Don't you have work to be doing?”

I never knew someone so tiny could look so threatening. Petra is glaring daggers at the guy, Auruo, with a scowl on her face. She reminds me of Levi. I'm standing beside her with me eyes lowered to the ground like a puppy who just peed on the floor.

“Eld was wondering where you went so I figured I'd come get you. Or maybe you could stay here and straighten up this mess.”

“W-what's wrong with it?”

Finally I have the balls to speak up. Maybe it was a mistake though. I should have kept my mouth shut or maybe agree that everything looks like shit and I'll fix it as soon as I can. That's what a smart person would have done anyway.

“There are at least two things that are in the wrong spot. You're supposed to stack the bread in sets of five, not four. The English side isn't facing out and-”

“It's his first day, give him a break.”

“I-I'm sorry. I'll fix it.”

“It's fine, Eren. You don't have to fix anything.”

“It's not fine. He better get his shit together or Hanji is gonna end up firing him.”

“What the hell is your problem, Auruo? He's ten times better than you were when you started.”

I hate arguing. I hate yelling or fighting of any sort. I don't notice my nails sink into my arm until there's a twinge of pain. Am I not good enough to even have a job? I should be sitting back at the apartment on the couch rotting like the pathetic person I am. My hardest isn't good enough.

“Would you guys stop yelling. People are starting to stare.”

Levi. I've never been so relieved to see him again.

Tell them to go away. I'm not prepared to have people bombard me with their two sense and nit picking of everything I do. I thought I was doing a good job. At least, that's what Levi said.

“You can thank Auruo for that. He's being an asshole.”

“I'm just telling the newbie to step it up a little.”

Levi's eyes narrow as his arms cross over each other in a stance that looks all too natural for him. Judging from his body language, I'd say these two don't get along on the best of days.

“Why exactly are you over here?”

“I was retrieving Petra.”

“I'm not your damn dog!”

“Go do your work.”

The order isn't directed at Petra at all. Does anyone in the store get along with this guy? So far it doesn't seem like it. His first impression on me wasn't too good either.

“Then tell the newbie to clean this shit up. Honestly, I don't know why Hanji even hired him. It's pathetic-”

“Auruo. Back off.”

He rolls his eyes and heads out of the area with a cocky strut that makes me want to cringe. Petra mumbles a quick apology before heading away in the opposite direction. Some of the customers give us a wondering eye, but nothing is said. Thank god. I was nothing but a mute for that whole thing.

“Eren? You alright?”

I manage to pull my nails from my skin when Levi gives my arm a subtle touch. My whole mind snaps back to reality and I nod slowly, still unsure of how I should feel about all that. It's obvious Auruo is a piece of work, but I've never had so many people stand up for me. Petra said more in defense than I did and the comments weren't even aimed at her. Levi did the same thing when that group of guys started making fun of my clothes.

“Don't listen to him. He likes to pretend he's a manager.”

From the way he spoke, I was convinced he was.

“So... does it look bad?”

He gives me this questioning look until he understand what I'm talking about.

“Everything looks fine. Auruo is anal about everything, so don't take it personally.”

“He's like that with everyone?”

“Most of the time. He's just being hard on you 'cause you're new here.”

Then I'm hoping that will change once I've been here for a little longer. Either that, or I hope I never have to work work him or that ill be the more uncomfortable experience of my life. I like it here, and I don't want one person to ruin it for me.

Levi and I take lunch together where I pig out on more cookies. He keeps shoving food towards me waiting for me to take it, twisting his lips into a smirk whenever I huff out a sigh and take whatever he offers. I haven't eaten much today and running around trying to keep things organized dragged more energy out of me than I thought it would. I'm enjoying the time we're spending together even though it's something as simple and boring as work.

I get to meet a couple more people during my last break. Some of the cashiers give a quick introduction before heading out, and I'm having a hard time remembering their names. I won't be forgetting Annie's name anytime soon thanks to that pissed off looks she always has. Christa is another one. She'll be easy to remember since she's even smaller than Petra and has the most adorable blue eyes I've ever seen. Way too happy, but still nice.

My last hours come and go and I'm happy to be ending my first shift. My feet are throbbing and I have developed a couple blisters on my heel thanks to the massive boots I have to wear. They add an extra five pounds to each step making it harder to walk as the days goes by. They're mandatory though, which is a pain in the ass.

I slip on my other shoes as Levi leans against the door frame of the break room waiting for me to finish getting ready. He twirls his keys around his finger to give himself something to do. I throw my bag over my shoulder and shuffle over to him with a light limp. The blisters on my feet are starting to ache now that I know they're there.

“You managed to survive your first day.”

“It's like school all over again.”

That's the best way to describe it. Waking up early, not knowing where to go or what to do, new people, bullies, uniforms. The only thing that's different is the lack of homework. I'm not going to complain about that.

“I'll get used to it.”

“Now you can afford to buy Max all those expensive toys.”

“Or I could buy a bunny.”

“No.”

“You're no fun.”

I take another step as something warm touches my arm and I find Levi's hand sliding down to meet mine, lacing our fingers without saying a word or acknowledging he did it. I hope this will become a regular thing, even if I'm still nervous about opening up and loving him.

Nothing else exists to me right now. I don't care about anything thta happened today or the hours I spent stalking nothing but pastries. I'll have plenty of time to talk about my first day when we get back home. I'm focused on the weight of my steps and the warm touch of Levi's skin against mine. I swear I can feel my heart pounding in my palm. I won't let go unless I have to.

I'll hold on as long as I can before we get back out to the car.

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

I was free to relax after my first experience at work. All my energy was drained from everything I'd learned and my legs were (and are still) throbbing from standing for eight hours straight. I stayed flopped on the bed while Levi ordered pizza after stating he was too lazy to make something. He doesn't cook very much, but he makes a killer mac n cheese according to him.

We did nothing in particular for the whole night except stayed curled up in his room with hundreds of blankets thrown over us until we started to sweat. There was the occasional silence between ramblings where Levi would thread his fingers through my hair and try to make it stand up on twenty different angles. I swatted him away a couple times, but he insisted I let him see how crazy he could make it.

I ended up falling asleep like that with my head smushed against Levi's chest. I only realized I'd fallen asleep after being jolted away by a nightmare that I can't recall. The room was covered in a blanket of black when my eyes opened with Levi still sound asleep under me with his hand still in my hair.

Unfortunately, he had to work so I enjoyed his oven-like body for as long as I could. His alarm went off and he got up with the same routine as yesterday- minus me. I caught a glimpse of Erwin in the kitchen with the same mug in his hand as he leaned against the counter. I groan softly and nuzzle back into the pillows when Levi gets back into the room, hair still dripping form his shower. I can't see him very well with the sun still down and giving me no light to adjust.

I flip onto my back with a small stretch only to feel a warm hand slip under the side of my shirt. A squeak comes through my lips while my eyes crack open in time to see Levi leaning forward to place a soft kiss on my forehead. That's something I don't normally wake up to.

Max jumps next to me after noticing I'm awake and curls himself against my neck with his purring straight in my ear. Levi just snorts and removes his hand from under my shirt to pull the blankets up to my chest.

“Don't be too lazy today, bright eyes.”

Again with that nickname. I should hate it. I've always hated how everyone says they're so big, or bright, or whatever. It's like having gemstones shoved into my face and it's annoying how everyone stares. But for some reason, I don't mind Levi calling me that.

“When will you be back?”

“Probably around 4. I won't be late, I promise.”

I smile softly and curl back into bed as Levi leaves the room. There's the low click of the door being closed and after that, I'm out like a light. Max's purring lulls me to sleep and the next time my eyes open, there's a good amount of light being shone into my face. I half expect Levi to be beside me, but my brain doesn't start to fully function until the afternoon.

I crawl out of bed as if my legs are broken and wander into the kitchen where Erwin has left half a kettle of coffee on the counter to get cold. I start off by feeding Max and getting myself something to shove down my throat now that it's passed lunchtime. I haven't slept like that in years. You could have thrown a marching band into the room and I would have still acted like a rock.

Toast is the easiest bet with my culinary skills this soon after waking up. Levi told me I could cook, but maybe I'll wait until none of us are working to bust out some of the older German dishes my mother taught me. They're burned into my skull even though she explain how to make them years ago. Although, I could never master the black forest cake. She would always make it better than me and she never told me what her secret was. Now I'll never know.

After the dishes are out of the way and the bed is made, my ass becomes rooted to the couch with Max on my lap and a brush in my hand. I've been doing a good job with keeping the cat hair off the furniture. With Levi being so picky about cleanliness, I figured he'd be hating the cat and regretting his decision to get it. I can't tell if he likes him or not. Most of his reactions are neutral anyway.

I'm left in a trance to watch the brush run along the soft fur of my kitten's back; small lines forming from the bristles only to disappear with the next stroke. If I were to be reborn, I would chose to be a cat. It's a rough life, but somebody has to do it. Sarcasm.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone blaring in the next room. I scare the hell out of the cat by jumping up as if the couch were on fire. My phone is right where I left it on the bedside table, nearly vibrating off the surface as music screeches from the tiny speaker. I find it weird why Levi would be calling me if he's at work, but hell, I'm not going to turn it down.

I hop onto the bed to cross my legs all while grabbing my phone at the same time. I don't bother checking who it is as my finger slides over the talk button with a stupid grin making its way onto my face.

“Don't you have work to do?”

Perfect greeting as always. No use going for the boring 'hey, what's up' shit.

“Eren..."

That's not Levi.

My body goes rigid and my hand is gripping my phone for dear life, thinking if I drop it, everything will end. Suddenly my mouth is dry and the English language is a confusing concept to grasp. Words? What are words?

“Eren... you there?”

“J-Jean.”

That one word causes so much pain. It takes every fiber in my being not to start crumbling after hearing his voice again. A wrecking ball has smashed into my heart and I press the speaker closer to my hear hard enough to hear his low breathing.

“Why...why are you calling me?”

“I wanted to hear you again.”

Why is he doing this? Didn't he watch me fall hard enough before? Is this his idea of amusement? He's adding more nails to my coffin with each second the call continues. He's either really bored or really lonely to be calling me. The sad thing is, I can't bring myself to hang up.

“I want you here with me.”

His voice is way too serious for this to be a prank. The background is nothing but silence and the soft crackling of bad reception. I have no words to contribute. I'm too busy trying to hold back the waterworks building behind my eyes. I never thought I would hear him again.

“Eren, baby, I miss you.”

That explains everything.

“Jean... you're drunk.”

He would only call me that whenever he was hammered out of his mind. He always became more affectionate whenever he got drunk; which would often lead to sex after he stumbled back into the apartment after a night out. He would spew out a new list of pet names and 'baby' was his favourite.

“I- I can't do this right now.”

I thought he was gone. Thought he hated me after I lied to him. Figured his back would be the last thing I ever saw, or his voice would never say my name again without sounding hostile. I hate that he's calling while half corked, but that's better than nothing.

“Eren, I want to apologize. I'm sorry if I hurt you.”

“Jean-”

“If was wrong of me. I shouldn'tve gotten mad at you.”

I try my best to hide the first sob that escapes my mouth; shoving my hand into my lips to shut myself up.

“I-I have to go.”

No I don't. I only want this pain in my chest to go away.

“Can you forgive me? I miss you so much. I promise I won't ever hurt you again.”

“W-what...what are you saying?”

“Will you take me back, Eren?”

Why? Make it stop. Don't ask me such stupid things when my mind is on the verge of rotting. I'm so confused. I was starting to be happy again, but maybe that was all for nothing. I still love him. But that's wrong. I love Levi, right? My heart is screaming at me, making my ears ring and having a surge of anxiety drive me to crave what I've been neglecting this whole time.

“Everything can be like it was before. We can pretend nothing ever happened.”

Wouldn't that be nice. I want it so badly that the words are on the tip of my tongue. The only thing holding me back is the thought of Levi kissing me, holding me close while we sleep or even having his hand in mine like a sappy romance movie. How can I love them both?

I was happy with Jean. I still love him even though it pains me to say it. I'm scared of change. I want everything to be the way it was. I can still see Levi as a friend. We can continue playing the online game together and have skype calls like we did before. Then I can be with Jean. I can be happy again and forget about everything else. We both need each other. He's forgiving me for lying, and I'm wanting to forgive him for leaving. He came back to me like any lover would. He really does care.

“Can you forgive me?”

I'm nodding into the phone like an idiot, waiting for that one word to make its way from my lips.

“Y-yes.”

“Can I see you today?”

He sounds so desperate that it breaks my heart all over again. He must have been so lost without me. Now that I'm hearing him again, I'm realizing how much I've missed him.

“Maybe. I just... need some time.”

“I'll be waiting for you, baby.”

At his apartment no doubt. Where else would he be?

There's a short moment of silence before the call goes dead leaving me to listen to the steady beeping from the speakers. That was the last thing I expected to happen today. My hands are shaking and my heart is shattering my rib cage and won't calm down.

Everything is back to the way I wanted. I can have my old life back and be with someone who loves me. I'll be able to live in the old apartment with that musty smell and tacky curtains. I won't have to take up space in Levi's place anymore. I wouldn't mind visiting though. I'm sure he'll be happy about that. I've been taking up so much of his time lately he hasn't been focusing on himself.

I let the phone slide from my hand and land in my lap. I'm not sure if I'm nervous or relieved. It's been weeks since I last saw Jean or even thought of his name. Now He's calling me out of the blue to try and get things together again. He said he was sorry, so maybe I won't have to worry about us getting into those kinds of fights again.

Max meows at me with that blank cat stare and hops onto the bed to smash his head into my arm. Will I be able to keep him? Jean has never really liked cats, or any pets in general. He says they're too much money and too many things could go wrong. Maybe Levi wouldn't mind keeping him. He did pay for the little guy after all.

The next couple hours consist of me pacing the apartment like an idiot, throwing my scattered clothes into my tiny backpack. Now that I'm working, I can afford a new, larger one. The one I have now is starting to rip at the bottom.

Jean sounded like he really wanted to see me today and I have half a mind to leave right now and head back to the old apartment, but I don't want to ditch Levi and Erwin without an explanation. Maybe I'll stay for another hour just to say bye. It's not like I'll never see him again. We work together now and I could take the bus back here every once in awhile.

4 o'clock rolls around and Levi comes back on time like he said he would. He looks exhausted and throws his plastic bag on the floor right when he gets into the living room. I'm sitting on the couch with my phone, twirling it around in my hands with no real purpose.

“Was work okay?”

“As fun as you'd expect.”

I'll take that as a no.

He slouches back beside me with a loud sigh. I can feel his body heat with how close he is and I squirm a little when his fingers start to play with my hair. This is wrong now. I can't be letting someone else touch me when I'm trying to work things out with Jean, but why is it so hard to push him away? He's twirling stray hairs around his pinky like it's the most natural thing in the world.

He stops for a second when he spots my fully packed bag in front of my feet with clothes spilling out of the sides. If he looks in the bathroom, he'll find my toothbrush gone too. It's not like I'll be needing to leave it here.

“Are you going on a trip or something?”

My eyes lower and I swat his hand away from my head and he looks like I just punched him in the face.

“I-I'm going back.”

“Back?”

“Jean called me today. He... wants to try again.”

I might be paraphrasing just a little. But he did say he missed me and wanted to see me so what else could that mean?

“And you're actually considering it?”

He's making it sound like I'm stupid. Maybe I am, but what's the harm in trying again?

“He said he was sorry... and he wants to see me. I...I wanted to wait until you got home before I left.”

“You're leaving now?”

I nod slowly. I'm too much of a coward to look at him. The sound of his voice is enough to tell me he's shocked. Instead of meeting his eyes, I glide my thumb across the screen of my phone as if there's actually a speck of dirt on it. I only end up smudging it even more.

“Eren, you can't seriously be going back to him.”

He doesn't believe me. No shock there. It came as a surprise to me too. Me leaving so suddenly was the last thing either of us expected.

“Yes, I am. I want to try again. I know he didn't mean to hurt me”

“Hurt you? Eren... you tried to kill yourself.”

That sentence is enough to make me flinch and be on the verge of tears. Jean doesn't know about that. Doesn't know how much our break up affected me and how much of my own blood I spilled in that bathroom, how much I cried and how much sleep I lost with the pain in my heart.

“I know... but, that won't happen again.”

I don't want to sit here and talk about how pathetic I was. I'd rather leave and make Jean smile when I walk back through the apartment door.

I lean down to grab my bag and Levi follows my every move as I toss it over my shoulder and get up from the couch. He takes my wrist to keep me still, stalling me from my next step. I finally catch his gray eyes and he has an expression I can't read.

“I'll come back to visit, I promise. We can still talk on Skype and go back to being friends.”

“Eren, you can't leave.”

“Why not?”

“I can't let you walk back to someone who hurt you. Do you not see what's wrong with this?”

I try to pull my wrist out of his grip, but he keeps hold of it. I'm starting to get upset with him. This isn't his decision.

“There's nothing wrong with it. I'm going back to the person who loves me.”

“If he loved you, he never would have left.”

“It's my own fault anyway. I lied to him and he got upset. You can't blame him for that.”

“Yes I can! Eren, you don't just abandon someone who hurts themselves.”

“There's no way he could have known I'd try to kill myself. I'm going back.”

Pulling myself to the door gets me nowhere. Levi is way stronger than me and stands his ground, keeping me rooted to my place on the floor. Each time I try to pull away, he tugs back.

“Levi, just let me go!”

Tears are pricking my eyes from pure anger and the tornado of emotions swirling around in my head and chest. He needs to stop making everything so difficult.

“I can't let you leave.”

“Why not? I'm not leaving for good. I can still visit you, Levi. Everything can be the way it was before.”

“Is that what this is about? You think everything is going to go back to normal?”

I'm adding my second hand, clawing at his fingers to try and pry him off of my wrist.

“Why are you so against this? We can still be friends, Levi!”

“No, we can't!”

“Why not!?”

“Dammit, Eren, because I love you that's why!”

My fingers fall still and all the fight leaves my body within a couple milliseconds. I hiccup slightly and stare at him with my massive doe eyes, giving him this blank look like he just spoke some foreign language. My body is so still it feels like I'm dead.

“Y-you what?”

He sighs and releases my wrist to take a gentle hold of my hands that are now shaking. I can't feel my legs. If I wasn't stiff as a plank right now, my legs would cave out from under me and I would fold like a blanket.

“I'm sorry... I know this is your choice, but... I can't watch you go back. I can't stand to see you be with someone who's caused you so much pain.”

His thumbs brush along the back of my hand for a short moment; spreading warmth through my entire body. He finally stops and lets me pull them away to hold them against my chest. They won't stop shaking. I swear they have a find of their own.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you. I can't force you to stay. I just figure... you should know how I feel before you leave. I probably should have told you sooner.”

“You... you love me?”

“I have the worst timing, don't I?”

I want to say the same words. Let that sentence slide from my mouth, but it's frozen.

“You can chose to be with whoever you want.”

My body isn't listening to a thing I tell it. My mind can't comprehend words and my limbs aren't doing a thing I tell them. I push myself forward to take a step and end up collapsing, falling into Levi's chest and curling my hand into the soft fabric of his work shirt. His hands wrap around me in an attempt to catch me before I hit the ground. He cradles me until I'm on my knees leaning into his lap as sobs start to wrack my body.

“Eren, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad I just-”

“I-I love you, Levi”

That shut him up awfully quick.

My heart hurts so bad, but it's slowing down to a dull ache. Saying those words out loud is a massive load off my chest.

I was wrong. About everything.

I love him. Jean isn't the one I want. I still love him, but it's not the same. Our relationship will never be the same. I've never been happier than when I was with Levi. Even now, having him hold me is such a warm feeling. I can hear his heart beating in his chest over the broken sobs falling from my lips.

“I love you, I love you...”

It's nothing but a chant at this point, but each one means something. Nothing has ever felt more right. I was so stupid. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go back to the way things were when everything I could ever ask for is right in front of me. Levi and I can't be friends. He's so much more.

I let the backpack slide from my shoulder to hit the ground beside me. I wasted so much time packing it. I don't care that things are spilling from it; all I want is to be held. I'm soaking Levi's shirt, but he hasn't moved an inch. If anything, he's tightened his hold to keep me as close as possible. Jean never did this. I'd spent so many nights crying myself to sleep because he would leave whenever I was upset. I would keep myself up with the fresh cuts along my wrist to make everything better. I don't need that anymore.

Levi is my drug.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting ahead of schedule yay! That's what happens when I'm home sick from work xD
> 
> Also a shout out to boyvampire on tumblr who made an adorable picture from my fic. Go check it out noow! 
> 
> http://boyvampire.tumblr.com/post/125428317528/eren-y-you-live-in-mississippi-levi-yeah-i
> 
> I forgot to post it sooner T_T I am trash
> 
> Enjoy the chapter! <3 thanks to all you lovelies for reading!

I was glad nothing changed between us. I'd spent so long crying and repeating the same words over and over again while curled into Levi's lap that I was afraid he would be turning his head the other way; Be weirded out that I started telling him I loved him after going on and on about wanting to try again with Jean. Nothing like that happened. He held me until my sobs were nothing more than small hiccups and rubbed his palms in slow circles across my back.

My knees started to cramp up from being on the floor and I was starving to death with the lack of food since I woke up. Erwin came back to the apartment after another hour and I'm glad he didn't say anything about how puffy and red my eyes were. He simply gave me a reassuring smile and proceeded to ask me if I wanted to help him with dinner, to which I eagerly accepted.

Cooking is becoming one of those things I really enjoy. Of course I liked cooking when I was younger, but that died along with my mother. I'm happy to start picking it up again. It gives me something to do when cleaning isn't on my radar.

Apparently Erwin finally got around to hooking up the tv in the living room, so all three of us crammed ourselves on the couch to watch an old school movie. It was Erwin's pick and I barely remember anything that happened. It lasted over two hours and my ass was starting to get sore from sitting for so long.

The touches between Levi and I were brought to a minimum at that point. I was afraid he was starting to get awkward around me after our little confessions, but after he finished eating he took my hand and held it for the rest of the movie.

Erwin turned in for the night around 9pm, grumbling to himself about getting up early again and dealing with idiots at his work. He closed the door to leave Levi and us alone to watch the blank tv screen. I took my opportunity and snuggled closer with a grin on my face. It feels weird to act all touch-y feel-y in front of other people. I used to hate seeing that kind of shit in high school. I didn't want to witness couples making out against their locker for ten minutes straight.

I almost fell asleep on his lap until he picked me up bridal style and carried me into his bedroom. I squeaked quietly, but didn't put up any fight whatsoever. I weigh nothing as it is so it wouldn't be too hard for him to support me.

I'm placed onto my back on the bed, gazing up as Levi crawls over me to glide his thumb across my bottom lip. His face is in shadows since he's blocking out the light from the hallway and his window is revealing nothing but the black sky outside. The whole apartment is dead silence save for the low sound of our breaths being shared from inches away.

“Eren... is it alright if I kiss you?”

Thank god the room is dark. Heat floods my face within seconds while processing his words. His voice is nothing more than a whisper, but I can hear it loud and clear. I don't give him words, I only nod.

My hands find his shoulders when he dips down to brush our lips together. They're just as soft as I remember and he still has that soap smell. Makes me wonder what I smell like to him.

His kisses are small and passionate; letting me arch forward to meet his lips again and again while my nails dig into his [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=177980083) while his hand slides along the fabric of [mine](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=177979476). I want more of him. I tug him down further and part my lips for him to let him do what he wants. I'd been too scared to do this before. I don't know why. Looking back I hate myself for turning down something I wanted so badly. I was so afraid I would let myself love only to be let down. Levi has made is painfully clear he's never letting me go. I can let myself love. I want him to take me as a whole.

His tongue slides inside of my mouth to brush against mine. He somehow tastes like soap too. Soap and mint which isn't a bad combination. My eyes flutter shut to focus on the sensation in my mouth. He isn't a rough kisser. Our tongues twirl together playfully earning him a small whimper from me. I'm expecting him to take control, but he lets me lead and he follows.

He breaks the kiss to place a small one on my slightly parted lips. I'm panting softly when my eyes decide to open and he's staring at me like I'm the only thing in the room.

“Was that alright?”

I nod again with a shy smile, finally digging my nails out of his shoulders. I was pressing down harder than I thought so maybe I ended up leaving marks. It's funny to think Levi could have his back clawed to hell by me simply by kissing.

I'm not afraid anymore. I would let him kiss me like that for hours if he was willing; until my lips were sore and swollen from the constant contact. I'm not bold enough to initiate that sort of thing so I'll wait patiently until it happens again. Levi is the one to touch and kiss whenever he feels like it and I soak it up like it's the best thing in the world.

There's a final kiss on the tip of my nose and Levi flops onto the bed beside me. I curl onto my side so we're facing each other and I can see him clearly despite the darkness of the room.

“Tired already?”

“Some of us worked all day, brat.”

I chuckle silently to myself and shift a little closer until he gets the hint and wraps his arm around me like I'm a giant teddy bear. I nuzzle into his chest and let my eyes flutter shut until I drift off completely with him right next to me.

 

~~~~~~

The next time I wake up, I'm in a cold sweat with tears running down my face. Some time during the night I'd wiggled my way out of Levi's arms and now he's on the other side of the bed in a dead sleep. My heart leaps out of my chest and I jerk awake in a panic trying to remember where I am. My eyes are sore and tears are staining my face as I crawl out of bed and head for the washroom.

The light is blinding, but I need it instead of stumbling around the room aimlessly. I lock the door behind me and sink down against the wood to bury my eyes into my knees. I'm shaking; nearly convulsing and my tears won't stop. I can't remember the last time I had a nightmare that bad. I'm thankful I didn't wake Levi up in the process since a lot of my nightmares end with me screaming.

I've dreampt about my mother before, but never this bad. My mind likes to think I killed her. As if I could have stopped the cancer growing in her body, like it was somehow my fault. This dream was no exception. She was staring at me with dead eyes and blood running from her mouth, cursing me and screaming for me to save her. How was I supposed to know what to do?

Mikasa was there. I barely remember her face anymore, so it was nearly blank. The only distinguishable feature was her jet black hair. She was watching everything from the shadows while my mother hung a noose around her neck. I couldn't help her. I was frozen and left to watch while her neck snapped and Mikasa screamed.

It didn't make any sense, but it seemed so real. I let my mother die. I woke up shortly after my father showed up, staring at my mother's lifeless body with a glare of hatred aimed towards me. His teeth were bared while he took quick steps my way and I woke up before anything could happen. Whenever he's involved in my nightmares he's the exact same: He beats me until I can't move.

Now I'm left alone in the bathroom replaying the whole thing in my head. It's so vivid and it's still fresh in my brain since it happened only moments ago.

I find the strength to crawl towards the sink on shaky hands and knees. There's only one cupboard and I'll find what I need in there. I keep my sniffling to a minimum when I reach it and find the cupboard completely empty. No small box and no razors.

What the hell am I thinking? I kept them in my bag.

I gather up what energy I have to sneak back out into the living room where my backpack is in a heap on the ground right where I left it. My mind is cloudy, but I know I kept them with me for a reason. For moments like this; For times when everything hurts and nothing can make me forget. Everyone is asleep so I'm left with the nightmare terrorizing my thoughts. I should know better, but I can't think straight.

I pull the clothes from my bag one after the other, leaving them in a pile until I reach the bottom. My hand slides along the fabric and my heart sinks in my chest when I don't come in contact with that small box. It's the perfect feeling of a rock sinking to the pit of your stomach. I know I brought them with me. They should be here. I packed them, I know I did.

My mother's contorted face and screaming is all I can see and hear. Besides the crushing in my chest, I can feel my father's fists leaving their marks even though I'd woken up before any of that could happen. My mind doesn't care. It has it's own way of torturing me.

I need a substitute. I can't keep going through the night when I'm on the verge of a panic attack. The whole place is dark and quiet. Even the shadows are twisting into figments of my imagination. It's making me feel more alone than I've ever felt. I just want a fast, easy way out. Nothing sounds better than curling up in a warm bed, but what's to say the nightmare won't continue? Maybe it's better if I starve myself of sleep. Either way, I still want to forget.

I abandon my bag on the floor and head into the kitchen. I know the place pretty well now. I know where Erwin keeps the dishes, the silver wear and the cooking knives. Either one will work. The knives are kept in the drawer bellow the sink. It's not the best solution, but it's all I have. I need something to draw blood, to cause pain and distract myself from the nightmares forcing tears from my eyes.

The best thing I can find is a peeling knife. It's small and even has a slightly curved blade to match the size of my arm. I slump down onto the floor and pull off the white bandages covering my arm. I haven't cut in so long, but the bandages are still there to prevent anyone from seeing. The scars are faint. There's a reason I haven't cut in awhile, but I don't care about that. I need to erase the faces in my brain.

My breath comes out jagged as I drag the arched blade across my forearm. The sting is there. The thing that I've been needing to help me move forward. Blood rises to the surface and I watch it drip down my arm. I'm numb. My blank stare is focused on the droplets like they're the things cleansing me. Everything fades when I make a second cut.

Are you proud of me mom? I know you're watching me. This is what I've turned into. This is the horrible son you raised who you thought would grow up to be perfect; The one with the bloody arms and tear stained eyes who can't do one thing right to save his life. I wish I could be what you envisioned, but I'm too damaged for that.

I miss her. I miss her more than anything.

I let the knife clatter to the floor and wrap my arms around myself to pretend I'm being held. Blood smears across my shoulder and it kills the illusion. My mother never would have done this to herself. She never told me much about her childhood, but I know she was never like this. She was flawless; the most beautiful person with a heart of gold. Her only flaw was me.

My eyes lay on the knife and I start to shake harder, sobs escaping me louder than I would like. If I die, would I be able to see her again? I'm not one for religious beliefs, but I want to believe so bad right now. I'd like to think there is a heaven, but if I were to die there's no way I would make it there. I would go straight to hell where I belong.

“M-mom... I-I'm sorry.”

I'm sorry you had to watch me fall apart again. I thought I was over that. Levi was helping me get through this, but how can he protect me from my own mind?

Levi.

Oh no. He'll be so mad at me. I was healing and now look at me. Those white scars are covered in red. I wanted him to be proud of me and now I've shattered all that he's done. I was finally happy, but I guess I don't deserve it.

I'm crying harder now, pulling my arms closer and trying so hard to imagine what it would be like to be held by my mother again. She had one apron she wore all the time so it always smelled like laundry detergent. Later in the day it would smell of whatever she'd baked for dessert that night. It was soft even though the fabric was thin from being washed everyday.

“Eren?”

No. Leave me alone.

It's all because of my loud ass crying. Levi really does have the worst timing.

I left the light on in the washroom so that's the first place his form goes. I can't see him very well thanks to the clouded vision I have. I'm hoping if I'm quiet enough he'll forget about it and go back to bed. He comes out and turns the light off only to find my bag and clothes scattered along the floor. If he was afraid I'd left, that thought would go right out the window as soon as he saw all my stuff. Through process of elimination, he's brought into the kitchen.

“Eren, what are you doing? Come back to bed.”

I shake my head like a small child and pull my knees closer to my chest. I want to sit on the floor and curl up into a ball until I see the sun. I have no clue what time it is now. Should I care? Not really. I don't work in the morning anyway so it'll be a regular boring day.

I'm trying my best to cover the blood stains on my skin, and no doubt on my shirt. Blood is a pain in the ass to get out of clothes especially when you leave it for a long time to dry. I should have been smart and washed the blood from the knife instead of leaving it on the floor. When Levi leans down, I know that's the first thing he sees. It's bad enough that I took a knife in the first place, and even worse that I used it.

“Eren...”

He knows. There's no way he didn't put two and two together.

I thought I didn't need this anymore. I was so ready to throw away my blades and live like a normal human being. Levi is my drug. He's all I need to move forward, so why exactly did I go back to hurting myself? I've ruined everything. All the progress I've made so far has been thrown in the trash where the rest of me belongs.

“I-I didn't mean to.”

Of course not. The knife just magically fell into my hand and I was put at gun point and forced to cut myself. I'm sure he'd believe that.

“Why did you?”

His voice is neutral. I can't tell if he's mad or not. Maybe he's doing a really good job at hiding his frustration.

He doesn't realize the depth of the question he just asked me. An average nightmare shouldn't do this to people, but it's the meaning behind it. It's the guilt I feel whenever I wake up, the memories it brings back and the terrifying feeling of not knowing where my sister is, or if my father will hunt me down to treat me like an animal. It's the thought of knowing my mother is watching and disgusted with what her son is doing with his life.

It doesn't feel like I'm being held anymore. It's empty. My mother's arms weren't slashed to hell so the illusion is all kinds of wrong. She was warm and soft, not skinny and weak. My friends used to say I was a lot like my mother, but I'm nothing like her.

“Lets go back to bed.”

Even without a response, Levi is treating me like he always has. Is he not mad?

There's a gentle clatter of the knife being washed in the sink before Levi is back beside me to brush my bangs away from my eyes. His touch is warm, but it's not the one I'm looking for. No one can replace her.

“I don't want to.”

I don't want to try. Sleeping means the potential for my brain to fuck me up again. If I close my eyes, my mother's dead face will be the only thing I see. I can't deal with that right now. Not when I've just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

“Then talk to me. Tell me what's wrong.”

“You're... not mad are you?”

He knows what I mean without referencing it. I see his eyes fall to the bandage on the floor where he picks it up and takes hold of my arm. I'm reluctant, but I let him. There's blood smeared over my shoulder and forearm and it looks ten times worse than it should be. I only made two cuts, but that's not what it looks like.

“No, I'm not mad.”

I find that hard to believe.

“I'm a little upset, though. That you would go this far instead of coming to me. That was the whole reason I kept your blades, Eren.”

Oh yeah. That's where they are. It's hard to remember anything when I'm in a state of pure panic. I was scared, and wanted a quick way out from the monsters inside my head.

He starts to wrap the white bandage around my arm once again to cover up the fresh wounds I've inflicted upon myself. Now I won't have to look at them. Levi reaches up to grab a cloth from the counter to wash the blood from my arm while I stare off in a trance at the fridge.

“You came to me before, so what makes this different?”

“I don't know...”

“I need a better answer than that.”

“You were asleep.”

“You can wake me up you know.”

It's a habit. Some sick habit my body is accustom to in order to make me feel better.

“I know, but...I... didn't think about that.”

The pause in his speech tells me he's confused. He was laying right there beside me, and I never thought to wake him up. I skipped over that and thought he would be mad. He has long days of dealing with people and then comes home to me and my problems. Having me wake him up in the middle of the night makes me seem like a pain in the ass.

“I...I had a nightmare...about my mother, and...I just wanted a way to forget.”

His hands finish with the bandage and I pull my arm away to cradle it against my chest. Levi doesn't move an inch and remains crouched beside me.

“I know it was wrong...but... sometimes my mind goes blank and that's the only thing I can think about.”

It was bound to happen, right? Levi can't watch me 24/7.

“I felt alone... I didn't know what else to do...”

There's a crack in my voice and I know I'm on the verge of tears. It's too early in the morning for this shit. Levi is silent, but takes my hand as he gets up. I want to pull him back down to stay with me, but he probably thinks this is a waste of time and wants to go to bed.

“I can't go back to sleep, Levi. I-I don't want to-”

“I know, Eren. I'll stay up with you.”

“But... you work in the morning.”

“Not anymore.”

I'm left to stare at him in shock while he helps me to my feet. I'm shaky, but I manage to stand on my own and follow him back to the bedroom. His hand doesn't let go of mine even as we crawl back onto the bed. He flicks the light on and riffles through the drawer of his bedside table. I have no clue what he's looking for so I'm left with a blank stare on my face while I try to wipe away the small amount of moisture building in the corners of my eyes.

“Hold out your arms.”

I do as I'm told, holding them face up where my scars would be if the bandages weren't there. The once white fabric on my left arm is starting to be tainted red with small blotches of blood seeping through.

Levi pulls out a marker from the drawer and turns back to me, pulling the cap off the top. He cradles my arm with one hand while the second starts to draw on the bandage, small loops and curls in ink forming along the fabric. He's so delicate, not to pressing too hard to form each letter. I don't focus on the words, I only stare at how easy he makes it look to write in cursive so beautifully.

He finishes with the first arm and moves to do the same with the second. I tilt my wrist up to see what he managed to put on it.

_I love you._

“I never want you to feel alone, Eren. If that ever happens again, I want you to look at your arms and know there's someone who can help you. I'll always be there.”

I'm crying. There's no way for me not to cry. Levi finishes the final letter on my right arm, slipping the cap back on the marker and tossing it onto the small table. There's tears falling onto the fresh ink and it doesn't so much as smudge. It's permanent. The black stands out so much against the bandages that it's impossible to miss.

I'm in such a daze staring at the words that I don't notice Levi pulling me forward. His lips press against mine while his hands cup my cheeks to hold me in place. The kiss isn't heated like the one before, but it's enough to have my heart swell up in my chest.

The kiss ends all too soon and I pull away to wipe the streaks of water tracking down my face. Even though I'm crying, I manage to smile through the tears. Who would have thought something so small could mean so much. I'm wearing his heart on my sleeve for him. I don't know if that makes a lick of sense, but I don't care.

“Does a movie sound alright?”

He doesn't linger on my mistakes for too long and that's what I love about him.

I nod slowly as he places another soft kiss on my lips and gets up from the bed to retrieve his laptop from the desk. Anything will be fine to pass the time. Anything but sleeping. Now that I have the chance, I glace at the clock across the room which reads 3:00am.

Levi doesn't bother hooking his computer up to the tv. It's way easier to lay on the bed with the laptop on your legs anyway. Much less complicated.

I find a spot beside him and nuzzle close to his chest where his hand goes straight for my hair. I let out a sigh while my eyes focus on the screen. His touch is warm. Sure, it may not be the same as my mother's, but it's the next best thing; The touch that's kept me safe.

I doubt I'll pay any attention to whatever the hell we're watching. This is just an excuse for me to be as close to Levi as I possibly can, and I fully intend to do that until I see the sun peak through the window.

 


	30. Chapter 30

Levi stayed with me like he promised. I drifted off about midway through the movie we were watching and got through the rest of the night without being jolted awake. I was able to push away those images I had of my mother until morning. I woke up to find the laptop still on and Levi passed out beside me. He called Hanji as soon as he woke up to tell her he had some 'personal issues' he had to take care of. I could practically hear the concern in Hanji's voice as if she wanted to run over and check on Levi herself.

The whole morning was nothing but us being lazy. I got up to make breakfast and Levi would wander around the kitchen getting whatever I needed to cook. Normally Erwin is there with us, but he's off working like a normal human being.

I couldn't help but cringe at the knife in the sink, knowing full well I'd used that exact one last night to tear open my skin. How pathetic is it that a nightmare is the thing that made me snap? I'm more disappointed in myself than anything else. Knowing that I made Levi upset with that whole ordeal makes me feel worse about it.

He notices my body language almost instantly and pulls me away from the sink by the hand to shove a carton of eggs into my arms. Who would have thought eggs could be such a good distraction? I find that funny for some reason. I set the carton on the island along with the bowl Levi got from the cupboard only to see Levi grab an egg with a marker in his other hand, probably one laying around in the clutter drawer.

“I'm using those.”

“I know.”

I squint at him, but he doesn't pay much attention. I pad over to peek down at what he's doing, leaning against him ever so subtly to feel the warmth of his skin. Maybe I wouldn't be so cold if I was wearing something more than a skimpy top and shorts. I can't help it if I feel stuffy wearing multiple layers to bed.

“Is that supposed to be me?”

His hands work delicately on the egg, curling the marker across the shinny surface like it's a piece of paper. I don't know how he makes everything look so easy as he sketches out long bangs at the top of the egg.

“Not bad. What gave it away?”

“The giant eyes.”

He snorts at my answer and I snatch the maker away from him and grab a second egg. My artistic abilities are lackluster and I can barely draw a straight line, but I make a good attempt at sketching Levi's face onto my chosen egg. I have to laugh a little to myself when I finish his small, unimpressed eyes and crooked frown.

“Mine's better.”

I give him a smirk when I hand it to him, capping the marker before throwing it onto the counter.

“It looks like a pissed off cat.”

“Then I'd say I did pretty well.”

That earns me a small pinch in the side and me squeaking as I swat him away.

We both sit across from each other on the island to eat the batch of eggs and bacon I cooked up. Levi claimed entitlement to the toaster since his bread needs to have it a certain darkness in order for it to be eatable. I'm not too picky about that sort of thing. As long as I'm not eating charcoal, then it's fine with me.

We took turns in the shower after breakfast and Levi insisted he pick out my [outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/apren/set?id=179704287) for the day and for some reason I let him. Maybe one of these days I'll get around to doing my laundry or maybe even buying more clothes. I really like when Levi and I go out together. It's a good distraction from everyday life and I get to have him all to myself like some selfish child. I like the attention he gives me, it's a warm feeling, like I'm not just some useless, invisible person to the rest of the world.

I came out of the shower to find his selection of clothes laid out on the perfectly flat sheets along with my glasses. Of course he would want me to wear them. I've thrown and dropped them so many times it's a miracle they're still in one piece. Luckily the last time I threw them, it was only the lens that pop out of place. Erwin was able to fix them for me instead of having to go buy a whole new pare. Glasses aren't cheap.

Levi's hair is still wet from the shower, but he's fully [dressed](http://www.polyvore.com/homlev/set?id=179989706), flipping through his phone with a leg hanging off the edge of the bed. He tosses his phone onto the side table the instant I come into the room and I curl the towel closer to my body. It's always dark when I'm like this and now he's seeing me in nothing but a thin sheet of fabric.

He gives me some privacy as I change, pulling on the tight jeans and white top. I've notice Levi has a thing for cropped shirts, not that I mind. There's a full length mirror on the back of the door and I do a full rotation to make sure nothing is out of place- besides my hair. There's no taming it so I let it go wild. Everything looks good as I slide my fingers across my collarbone only to find something missing.

My key.

I usually take it off when I go to bed so the chain doesn't tighten around my neck. Sometimes I forget, but even when I'm not wearing it, I keep it in my pocket or in my bag where I know it's close.

My eyes dart over to the side table where the surface holds nothing but Levi's phone and a lamp. It's probably hiding behind something. I head forward and the sinking stone in my stomach heads further when the small chain doesn't come into view. I know I put it there. I didn't have it on last night and there's no other place I would think to leave it. I drop to my hands and knees to peek under the bed, behind the table, any small place where it could have fallen. The carpet is spotless as you would expect it to be; living with someone like Levi.

I pull back some of the blankets on the bed, which will earn me a scolding for messing it up, but I'll fix it later. Maybe I did wear it last night and I just don't remember. It could have come undone and gotten tangled in the sheets. Nothing. Even with my thorough trashing of the bed, I'm coming up empty. It has to be in this room.

I drop onto my knees again to crawl around the floor, lifting up any stray piece of furniture in the room and any small object that the key could hide under.

“Was there a reason you destroyed the bed?”

I snap my head up to find Levi in the door frame, glancing down at me with my ass in the air like a puppy. He sighs and heads back over to pull the covers back up, flattening them out until every last wrinkle is gone. I have half a mind to destroy it and check the sheets for a second time, but Levi won't be too happy with that.

“Levi... I...I can't find my key.”

“Your what?”

“My key... the one on the chain.”

The only damn key I own.

I finally get up from the floor to fiddle with my hands, pulling them close to my chest and scratching lightly at the knuckles tying to calm the pounding in my rib cage.

“Where did you leave it?”

“On the table. I always put it there.”

His eyes glance over to the same place I'd looked before, still seeing nothing but the phone and light. As if checking there constantly will make it reappear or something. It's like going back and forth from the fridge, expecting different food to be there the next time you open it. The result will still be the same.

“I remember putting it there, but I can't find it.”

I watch him smooth down the last few lumps in the duvet before he stands, giving me a neutral look. If I wasn't so concerned, I would be teasing him about buying a duvet instead of a blanket that's easier to manage. Right now my mind is somewhere else. My fingers are sliding across my neck, grabbing for something that isn't there.

“C-can you help me look?”

“You just misplaced it. I'm sure it'll turn up eventually.”

“But I need it.”

“For what?”

“P-please, Levi? I need to find it.”

Please don't question me. He never has any other time and now when I need him not to, he decides to start wondering why I'm doing the things I'm doing. And right now I'm freaking out over something as simple as a piece of jewelry.

“If it's not where you said it was, then where else are we supposed to look?”

I don't know and that's the problem. What if it was thrown out? Erwin wouldn't come into Levi's room for no reason would he? Who in their right mind thrown out a key?

My hands are starting to tremble with the panic rising in my chest. I'm scared that I won't find it. It's illogical for me to worry this much, I haven't been outside the apartment for a while and I know the last time I had they key was in Levi's room. But I've never gone this long without knowing where it is, or having it within reach.

“It can't be gone...”

I hear Levi shuffle around the bed to stand in front of me, taking my hands to get them to stop moving. The innocent rubbing of my knuckles was slowly turning into gouging them with my nails.

“It's alright. I'll help you look.”

“B-but what if we can't find it? What if-”

“We'll find it. It has to be here, unless it sprouted legs and walked away.”

That's an amusing mental image. I wish I could find it in me to force a smile or something, but my mind is busy worrying about other things. I'll feel ten times better when I have that chain around my neck.

I meet Levi's gray eyes as he scans the top of the side table again. It's odd, sometimes they look blue and other times they're a washed gray. They remind me of storm clouds. I'm jealous to be completely honest. They're a beautiful colour and not obnoxiously bright. They're calming to say the least.

“I think I know who the culprit is.”

“What do you mean?”

He doesn't answer. He simply takes my hand to leads me out to the living room with Max curled up in the cushions of the couch. You could almost mistake him for a pillow. Levi snorts beside me, guiding me to where the kitten is sleeping and the small chain on the carpet bellow him.

There's a huge weight that comes off my shoulders the moment I see the shinning gold against the dull colour of the rug. I lean down the pick it up, letting the small key dangle in front of me while I inspect it for any damage. Max could have easily chewed it to shit, but it only looks like he swatted it around for a bit.

“That's an interesting choice of toy.”

Of all things to chose, of course the cat would pick the thing that means the most. He could have ripped apart my shoes and I wouldn't have been the least bit concerned.

I fumble a little with the clasp, trying to get it undone so I can put it on again. Levi takes over, taking it from between my fingers to fasten it behind my neck. The key rests just bellow my collarbone with the cool touch of the metal against my skin. I enjoy having that familiar feeling there. I smile softly while I twirl the key, grazing my fingertips along the bumps and grooves that have accumulated over the years.

Levi slumps onto the couch and pulls me down with him to sit in his lap, startling Max awake who gives us a death glare for interrupting him. The damn cat nearly gave me a heart attack with the last stunt he pulled, so I don't feel very guilty for waking him up. He turns away, jumping off the couch to wander into the bedroom for a new sleeping spot.

I lift my legs onto the couch, resting them over Levi's thigh while I press myself closer to his chest. He's holding me in place so I don't fall out of his lap with his nose buried in my hair. At least I had a shower so it doesn't smell bad. He's probably not used to smelling anything other than his own shampoo. I tend to buy the more 'girly' shampoos that smell like someone shit out a garden.

“Feel better now?”

I nod slowly into his chest, keeping my hand close to my neck just in case. Now I'm paranoid the chain will break or something.

“Sorry for overreacting.”

“It's alright. I'm sure that key is something special to you.”

I nod again, sighing lightly and taking in his scent. I shift a little, burying my toes under the cushions to keep them warm. I'm not a fan of socks. They're a pain in the ass and cut the circulation out of my feet. I don't mind thigh highs or the fuzzy kind in the colder months, but any other time I prefer to wrap them up in blankets.

“My mother gave it to me. It was the first gift I got from her when I was little.”

“As a birthday present?”

“Yes. When I turned five.”

We weren't rich enough to buy gifts for every occasion. I grew up with the notion that a birthday was spent with family and an occasion to eat your favourite food. I never knew presents were a thing, but I didn't care that I never got anything. It was a good enough gift to help my mother make supper and a batch of cupcakes for dessert. She would always make me a special one with a blue candle stuck in the top.

“You remember how I said my father gave my mother a key when they fell in love?”

He makes a small noise and waits for me to continue.

“My mother told me the same thing he did. She said this was the key to her heart. That I meant so much to her and she would love me no matter what. That even though she loved my father, I would always hold a special place in her heart.”

I never really understood the depth of her words until I was older. I continued to wear the key every day simply because it was pretty and the first gift I'd ever received. It wasn't until later that I realized what it meant.

“She sounds like an amazing woman.”

“She was. She taught me everything. She used to call me her little house wife because of how much I shadowed her. She basically raised me on her own because my father was always working. I tried to help out as much as I could.”

I even had my own apron for when I helped her bake. She made it herself. My mother wasn't the best at sewing, but I thought it was damn near perfect when she gave it to me. I can't even sew a button onto a shirt let alone an entire piece. My name was embroidered onto the fabric in a bright blue thread to match my eyes- at least that's what she told me.

When Mikasa joined the family, my mother even made her one, even though she never used it much. Mikasa was the kind to go kick a ball out in the yard rather than cook. She would put it on every once in awhile just to amuse her because her smile was the brightest thing either of us had ever seen.

“Before she died, she told me as long as I have the key, she would always be there with me. It sounds kind of cheesy, but it really feels like it's a part of her. I don't have anything else that belonged to her except a few pictures I found under her bed.”

“Could I see them?”

“You want to?”

He nods slowly and I hop up from his lap, disappearing into his room to rummage through my bag. They're all buried at the bottom for safe keeping. After all this time they haven't been marked or creased in their little plastic baggy. I grab them and head back out to the living room where Levi is waiting in the exact same spot.

I resume my position on his lap and open the bag, sliding the three pictures out of their dust proof shield, making sure not to leave any fingerprints on them. I want them to last forever and to keep them safe. These are the only things keeping my mother's face in my memory and I don't want them tarnished with dirt.

Levi's arms wrap around me again while I show him the first picture. Just the average family picture where you all gather in stiff poses and try to make your smile look as normal as possible. My mother is seated with me on her lap with my father standing next to us. I know it must seem odd for me to keep a picture of my father, but I want to remember what he was like back then, not what he is now.

“I can't remember how old I was there. Maybe three.”

“I can see who you get your looks from.”

“What do you mean?”

“You and your mom look creepishly alike.”

I don't even think that's a word.

“I... never noticed before.”

“You've never had anyone tell you that?”

I shake my head in response while staring between my mother's face and my dorky grin. It's not like I've shown these pictures to very many people. Armin and Mikasa used to say I was a lot like mom, but I never thought they meant it in a physical manner. I can't help but smile at the thought. I always wanted to be like her, so it's comforting to hear something like that.

I slide the picture back into the bag before moving to the next. This one just has me and Mikasa. My mother is off in the background being occupied with the small garden we had at the side of the house. We're both trying to make the most ridiculous faces at the camera like any typical child would. I'm pretty sure I won that battle.

“Is that your sister?”

“Yeah. I think this is a year or so after we adopted her. It's pretty obvious we're not actually related isn't it?”

We don't look a thing alike. My whole family has brown hair while she has straight black. It's the same with eye colour. All of us have lighter eyes and Mikasa has dark brown. She was still the best sister I could have asked for. We got along despite having such different interests, and would both set aside time for the other to play tag or hide and seek.

I slide the second picture in with the first while I come to the last one; the picture I will treasure for the rest of my life. It was the only photo I could find with just the two of us. I always have to pause and take in every inch whenever I see it. She looks so happy while she's holding me. It makes me smile and makes my heart ache, but I'm never getting rid of it. Everything about it would look perfectly normal if it weren't for the bandanna tied around her head. I never told Levi how she died, but the photo alone speaks for itself.

I fall silent and slide my fingers over the edge of the photo paper. I want to tear my eyes away now that they're watering, but I can't. I was so clueless then. I thought everything would be okay. She said she was fine and that no illness would get the better of her. How stupid was I to believe that?

I finally give in and bury myself into Levi's neck, letting the picture slide onto my lap with the others. My eyes are hidden, but that doesn't stop the tears from leaking out. I sick of crying. I'm sick and tired of being emotional. Why can't my memories be washed clean to make my life easier?

“I-I miss her so much.”

It's been years. You'd think I'd gotten over it by now, right?

“I know, Eren.”  
His voice is so soft and empathetic that it hurts. Of course he knows. He also lost his mother to a disease when he was little. He knows better than anyone what it's like. It helps a little to know he understands how badly I'm hurting. He just doesn't show it. He's healed faster than me, and maybe I'll never fully heal to the point where I can forget my mother's funeral.

Levi's fingers start to comb through my hair like he's done so many times before, brushing it to one side only to have it all fall back into place. He's shushing me softly while I sniffle into his shirt, squeezing his shoulder as a sort of stress relief.

“Does it ever get easier?”

Is it possible to completely forget about a family member? To erase everything about the person who meant the most to you? Probably not.

“It does, but the pain never goes away. It's impossible to forget about someone you love who was such a big part of your life, but you move on. I promise you it will get better.”

“I hope so... I'm tired of being like this.”

“It's okay to be upset, Eren. Crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.”

I sniffle lightly again, pulling away to wipe my eyes under the clunky glasses. Everyone says it's unhealthy to hold in your emotions, but is it unhealthy to show too much?

My grip on him is weak now, but at least he's there. My legs are closely curled up to my chest and Levi is somehow managing to hold onto all of me, keeping me balled up and warm with nothing but his arms. My breaths go back to normal after a few moments, glancing around to find Levi has moved the pictures onto the arm of the couch to they wouldn't get ruined. At least one of us is thinking clearly.

I let my mind go blank as my eyes fall to the curled ink of the tattoo peaking out from under his sleeve. I start to trace it lightly with my fingertips, mimicking the lines and delicate edges of the design. After all this time I have yet to touch his skin. Sure, I've felt it before, but not with my hands. I knew he was warm, but now I know he's soft too. He has scars scattered over some of his skin, faded from the years and healed up to serve as nothing more than memories from his childhood. I'm sure he doesn't remember how he got most of them.

“It's really beautiful.”

It takes him a moment to realize what I'm talking about, but when he does he gives a soft hum as a neutral agreement.

“Did you design it?”

“No. Isabel did. She was more into body art than I me so she scribbled up a design and insisted I get it tattooed.”

“I never would have guessed she was an artist too.”

“She was talented that's for sure. Nearly got Farlan to get inked, but he backed out last second like a chicken.”

I chuckle quietly, stopping my fingers a the last point of the ink before retracing my steps. It looks like Levi doesn't only have a picture to remind himself of the people he lost. This must be his version of my key. Something to remember them by. A permanent mark of the ones he loved. He doesn't have to worry about loosing a trinket like I do.

“Do you think I should get one?”

“That's up to you if you have something in mind.”

Not really. Tattoos are technically permanent so I would want to have something done that has a meaning. It doesn't matter if no one else understands. Maybe I could have Levi draw something for me whenever I get an idea. I haven't put much thought into it, so I'll push that thought away for another time.

“This is just my opinion, but I think you'd look pretty damn cute with a piercing.”

I scrunch my face up and give a small pout at the thought of a piece of metal being stabbed into my face. It's funny to think I'd be find with a bunch of liquid needles being stuck into my body, yet I'm repulsed by a piercing gun. To each their own.

“I think that kind of thing suits you better.”

“It doesn't have to be your face you know.”

“Then were do you suggest?”

“I'll leave that up to you.”

What a jerk.

I continue my pouting until Levi places a kiss on my nose forcing me to shift out of his lap to avoid getting bombarded with more. Wet kisses on the tip of my nose make me squirm and I think he's catching on to that. I stick my tongue out playfully before heading into the bathroom to wash my face. Salt water makes my skin feel dry and the cool touch of the tap water makes me a little more alert.

When I get out, Levi has an old Nintendo set up under the tv. Apparently Erwin had it stashed away in his room and never bothered to unpack it. I've never been very good at console games, but I figured it was a good way to pass the time. I situated myself back on Levi's lap which was another mistake on my part. His game of choice was MarioKart. Having me sitting on him gave him all the more reason to poke me in the sides to get me to screw up. Needless to say, his Donkey Kong reigned supreme over my Toad. I'm a terrible driver a it is.

Erwin texted Levi a little past six telling him he was picking up supper. I love the guy for reading my mind like that. I started to feel ten times better than I had this morning until my phone started to ring. I actually looked at the number this time to see it was Jean. I'm surprised he remembered calling me at all since he was so drunk last time. I threw my phone back onto the table to snuggle closer into Levi's side. I need to move on. Talking to Jean will only make me upset. Part of me feels bad for never showing up like I said I would, but I know now that I don't want to go back.

Supper ended up being pizza which I haven't eaten in ages. Instead of parking our asses in front of the tv, we ended up eating in the kitchen almost like a family. I had to throw on one of my sweaters to hide my arms though. As much as I like Erwin, I'm still afraid of showing him what I've done to myself. I sat beside him on the island while I nibbled at my pizza, and Levi sat up on the counter which I found amusing. Maybe he just wants to feel taller. I'm never saying that out loud.

I never thanked him for staying home with me. I know he needs the money, yet he neglected work to make sure I was okay. Our eyes meet every so often when Erwin is explaining a random story about his day and I always blush when he gives me a subtle wink that Erwin is completely oblivious to.

I feel way better than I did before. Everything about last night is nearly forgotten. That doesn't mean the nightmares will stop, but it will be ten times easier to deal with them when Levi is there to hold me.

We all turn in for the night around ten where I crawl into bed next to Levi before he turns out the light and tucks himself against me. My fingers are toying with the key, spinning it to twist the chain around. I let my eyes flutter shut any I know work is going to come all too quickly tomorrow.

 


	31. Chapter 31

As expected, work came way too quick for my liking. Having another day off would have been nice, but I don't have such good luck. The morning routine was still painful as hell having to pull myself out of the warm bed with Levi groaning beside me. He offered to let me take the shower first to allow him some time to wake up. I hate that my eyes are open when it's still black outside. Having to keep them open while enjoying a scalding shower is even more painful.

I always change my bandages after showering so they don't feel disgustingly soggy and uncomfortable. The moment I fastened them into place, Levi was back at my side with a marker recreating the exact three words in elegant cursive. Watching him write is quite therapeutic. I don't need to thank him with words, it's written all over my face.

The drive to work was silent with Levi staring blankly at the road, still clearly trying to wake up and me sitting in a daze in the next seat. I'm not very talkative in the morning and neither is Levi, so it worked out pretty well. He turned on the radio on a low volume as background noise, but other than that all I could hear was the rumble of the engine.

We got to work five minutes to 7 where the sun was barely staring to make its way a little higher, turning half the sky pink while the other half was still a deep blue. There were a few others starting their shift at the same time, one of them being Petra who smiled and waved like a maniac from halfway down the isle. I only wish I could have that kind of enthusiasm.

My shift started over in the bread section where everything was thrown out of order by people who were too goddamn lazy to put anything away. I think I'm more distraught about the sight than Levi is. It annoys me to see things out of place, but I guess Levi is the kind of person who dislikes dirt instead of being disorganized- with the exception of his bed.

It takes me nearly two hours to get everything back into place and stacked neatly. I didn't notice anyone in the store until an older woman wanted me to direct her to a certain section I had no knowledge of. Luckily Levi was still hanging around so I could lean on him for support since I'm still clueless about everything. I apologized to the woman for not being very helpful and she simply smiled and told me not to worry about it. Why is it that older people are either super nice or complete assholes? There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

The next job took even longer; having to pull out all the stacks of bread ordered for the day. I don't know how I'm going to survive any of this when Levi goes off to do his own thing. He's only training me after all. I ask questions every once in awhile and the answers escape me shortly after. There's way too much information to keep in my brain.

Breaks go by way too fast. Fifteen minutes feels like two. My feet are being weighed down the the damn boots I have to wear and my legs are starting to ache from standing for so long. I'll have to look on the bright side and try to remind myself I'm getting paid for this. It'll be nice to soon see triple digests in my back account. I've already managed to cut back on smoking now that Levi has successfully distracted me from taking a smoke break every hour or two. That should help keep a little more money in my back pocket.

I'm back to organizing again after lunch, making sure all the spots are filled and everything is pushed to the front where the customers can get it. I find it fun to be honest. If lifting wasn't a part of this job I would enjoy it even more. I have to be careful not to lift too much or let my sleeves roll down to my elbows. I know I wear bandages, but that doesn't stop people from staring.

There isn't much else to do so Levi lets me work alone for a bit. He heads off to do whatever work Hanji has planned for him while I get to be alone with my thoughts that keep wandering every 5 seconds. As much as it sucks to be working, it's a nice change of scenery. I can only last so long being cooped up in the apartment with nothing to do.

I start to hum quietly to myself as I continue facing. Only I can hear myself since it's so loud in the store. There's constant chatter and the dull sound of whatever music they have playing overhead. No one has asked for my help since the start of my shift so I've been free to zone out.

“Hey, Eren.”

So much for that.

I glance to my right to find Orloro? Was that his name? He's leaning against the shelf in a pose that's supposed to look cool, but it doesn't suit him at all. Now that I think about it, Levi tends to stand like that a lot.

“Hi.”

I settle with a simple greeting. I know if I try, I'll end up butchering his name. We didn't start off on very good terms as it is. On that note, why is he over here? It's convenient that he shows up right when Levi leaves. He better not be here to nit pick my organizing skills.

“Are you busy?”

“Not really...”

“Can I talk to you for a second then?”

Do I want to? Not really. I don't think I have much choice though.

“About what?”

He pauses for a second to glance around. The crowds have died off a little leaving us practically alone with the wall of bread. I've stopped my work to give him a curious look. That obnoxious disposition he held before doesn't seem to be there.

“You and Levi are a thing, right?”

“A what?”

“Dating.”

“Yeah.”

What? No we're not.

“How did he ask you out?”

Heat is rushing to my face and I have to avert my eyes before they burst into flames. I don't see how any of this interests him. On another note, why the hell did I tell him we're dating? There was no confirmation. We expressed our feelings and that was it.

“W-why do you want to know?”

“I know it's a little weird, but I need some advice.”

What a laugh. He comes to me of all people for advice. He must really be clueless.

“Look... I want to apologize for the way I acted before. I was just trying to get Petra's attention and I came out looking like an asshole.”

Can't disagree with him there.

“So, you want me to forgive you so I can give you advice?”

“When you phrase it like that it makes me sound like a scumbag.”

He audibly sighs and scratches the back of his head uneasily. His eyes are unfocused, darting around the store as if watching a fly bank off the walls. I'm glad to know his 'tough guy act' isn't going to be a regular thing- at least I hope it isn't. He doesn't seem like a bad guy, but does he really have a chance with Petra? She wasn't too fond of him last time I checked.

“Can you at least accept my apology? I know we didn't start off to well, but it won't happen again.”

I nod slowly, still unsure of who this guy actually is. If his act in front of Petra was fake, then what's stopping him now? And why do people feel the need to pretend they're someone else?

“I'm assuming I don't get any advice.”

“I... I don't see why you need to try and act different. You said yourself you looked like an asshole.”

“I get nervous around her, alright.”

“She would probably like you more if you weren't so loud. It doesn't suit you anyway.”

“If I'm not loud, then she won't notice me.”

God, this sounds like a petty preschool chat. This guy really has no idea what he's doing. The pot calling the kettle black here. I know nothing about romantic relationships or initiating them.

“I think she's noticed you plenty.”

“Alright, new subject. I want to take her out somewhere, so how should I ask?”

“I-I don't know.”

“Well, how did Levi ask you?”

My eyes widen slightly while my face starts to heat up, not to mention my mouth is suddenly a wasteland. Why did I even say Levi and I were together? He's wanting too much information on something that's not real.

“He-”

“Auruo, so here's where you wandered off to.”

Petra. Thank god. I could kiss her for having such good timing. I was in desperate need to end the conversation before I dug myself into a deeper hole. She's heading towards us with a skeptical look in her eyes, her arms crossed like a mother about to scold her child. Petra would be a terrifying parent.

“You better not be bothering Eren again.”

“Relax. I was just apologizing.”

“For what?”

“For what I said on his first day.”

“I don't believe you.”

Maybe I could help him out just a little now that I know he isn't a complete tool.

“It's alright, Petra. It's true.”

“You don't have to stick up for him, Eren.”

The frustration in Auruo's eyes makes me pity him. I know I shouldn't, but I can't bring myself to leave anyone looking so down. It's a long shot if the guy even has a chance with Petra, but there's no harm in him trying. If he gets shot down, then that's his own fault for not setting up a good image of himself for her.

“I'm not. He came to me to apologize and I forgave him.”

She looks skeptical as her eyes dart from me to Auruo searching for any kind of hint that would give us away.

“I don't see why you were such an ass to him in the first place.”

There's no way he'll explain his reasoning without confessing his feelings for her. Also because the fact the reason for his actions aren't all that justified. Being an obnoxious ass doesn't mean someone is going to notice and like you. Those aren't attractive qualities. Being confident is one thing, but it's completely different than being cocky.

“I just... wasn't thinking. I didn't sleep well that night.”

It's a pathetic excuse, but I'll give him credit for trying. It looks like she bought it judging from the expression on her face that ends with her sighing.

“Well, I'm glad you two are on good terms. Now stop slacking, Auruo and get back to stock. The load isn't even half done yet.”

She turns to leave, glancing over her shoulder so check if Auruo is following her. Looks like he's not staying over here with me even if he wants to. That advice he was looking for will have to wait for another time, but hopefully I can avoid it for as long as possible. Or the best case: he'll forget.

“Never mind about that advice. I'll just ask Levi.”

The words hit my ears long after he's left my side, jogging to catch up to the smaller woman. My stare is completely blank and I forget where I am for a good minute. I have to shake my head to get my mindset back to half my work laying on the ground.

I get everything done by the time 3:30 rolls around and I get to go home. Levi's shift ends at the same time so all I have to do is wait in the break room for him so we can walk out together. For some reason, I like this place better when I know I have to leave. It's a psychological thing. I wander through the isles until I spot those giant red doors leading to the backroom. The next thing I hear sends my heart to the bottom of my stomach.

“Levi, I need a little advice.”

“And you're coming to me, why?”

“Well, I was gonna ask your boyfriend, but Petra barged in before I could-”

“Boyfriend?”

“Eren.”

“We're not together.”

“You...you're not?”

“No.”

“But... he said you were.”

“He did?”

I'm frozen. I'm nothing but a useless 2x4 in the middle of the store. The only reason I remember how to move is because of Levi's eyes landing on me and him pushing Auruo off like their conversation didn't even exist. Auruo is nothing short of stunned when I dart into the backroom, hoping I was fast enough not to be noticed, but who am I kidding? There's no way Levi couldn't have seen me.

I reach the break room where I couple others are in the middle of some light hearted conversation over lunch. I hate to interrupt them, but their eyes look up once I enter and head straight for the bathroom. I'm practically running at this point so I'm sure they're both thinking the same thing.

The door swings closed behind me and I'm left to chose one of the stalls to hide in. I swear I act like a three year old sometimes. I'm a coward. I don't want Levi to confront me. Instead I'm more content in hiding on a toilet than looking into his eyes and trying to explain why I told Auruo we were together. I still don't know why I did it.

Picking the very last stall seems like the best plan. It's the furthest away, so it's the last spot he'll look. That will give me a little extra time to curl myself into a ball for when he does find me. I lock the stall door and curl my legs onto the seat to press them against my chest, hugging them so they don't slide off. I'm left to listen to the sound of the fan and my own staggered breathing. I've never been scared of Levi before, but right now I'm terrified.

My heart falls further when I hear the creak of the door. I'm desperately hoping it's another worker, but my whole existence is screaming otherwise. What's the point of putting my feet up if I locked the door? It's a dead give away where I am. Damn it, Eren, you're so stupid. Why didn't you think ahead instead of noticing when he's in the damn room?

There's a light knock on the door and I curl up further, giving away everything I've tried to hide by responding with a small whimper. I sound like a beaten dog. That's really all I am.

“Eren, I know you're there.”

He doesn't sound mad, but then again, Levi never sounds anything short of monotone. He could be hiding it. Maybe he's waiting until I come out so he can yell at me for lying. I didn't lie directly at him, but it was still a lie none the less. One that involved him and twisted reality into some stupid fantasy. _My_ stupid fantasy.

“L-leave me alone.”

“You know I can't do that.”

“P-please.”

“I'm not going anywhere.”

It would make me feel better if he left and drove back home without me so I can rot in the bathroom overnight. Maybe that will be enough for him to forgive me. Every passing second of silence twists my insides into knots that eventually turn into tiny sobs. I'm not leaving the stall until I hear he's gone.

“How long are you going to stay in there?”

As long as I have to. A mob could come in here and I wouldn't budge an inch. I'm stubborn like that.

“Can you come out so we can go home?”

I'm never leaving. If past experiences tell me anything, it's that people hate it when I lie. Every single person in my life has been lied to and in the end, they leave. My walk away with a burning hate in their gut and have a look of disgust on their faces. If I go back to the apartment with Levi, will he look at me the same way?

“I-I don't want to.”

“I know that's a lie.”

Damn it. I'm starting to spew out stupid ones now. Then again, what good would the truth do at this point? What if he doesn't believe a word I say? He could be assuming everything I've told him up until now has been nothing but bullshit. That's exactly what Jean did. He screamed it right in my face.

“I know I'm stupid, okay?”

“And why exactly are you stupid?”

“I... I lied again. I know it was wrong...I-”

“Then why did you?”

That's a question I'm trying to answer myself. What possessed me to open my stupid mouth and tell Auruo that we were dating? It's not like I was afraid to disagree with him. It was a logical thing for him to think, since half the employees saw us walking out of the store holding hands after my first day. That's something couples do, right?

“I-I don't know.”

“There has to be a reason.”

Maybe there is. Maybe the reason isn't as complicated as I'm making it sound. I want to be with him. Having him hold me and kiss me are the best feelings in the world. I want to feel loved and wanted by the one person who means the most to me right now. The thought of seeing him with someone else makes me want to cry.

I bury my face into my arms while trying not to fall into the damn toilet. Since he knows I'm here, I don't know why I'm still keeping my legs up, but anything regarding common sense has temporarily escaped me.

“I...I love you, Levi.”

In the end, that's what it boils down to.

“I want to be with you...”

I want to so bad that it physically hurts. But me lying about it won't make it come true. A relationship is never one sided and me hoping and praying it will happen, doesn't mean it will. Life isn't that simple. If everyone could sit on their ass and wait for opportunities to drop into their lap, then the world would be full of extremely lazy people.

“Then can you come out here so I can ask you properly?”

“A-ask me what?”

“Out.”

Please don't tell me he's joking. My stomach nearly leaps out of my throat and I wobble a little to bring my feet down from off the toilet seat. I can't remember what walking is, or standing for that matter. I have to support myself with the toilet paper dispenser drilled to the wall so I don't end up on the floor. You'd swear it was my first day on legs.

“Do you mean it?”

“Of course I do. Now get your butt out here.”

If that sentence had come from anyone but him, I would have thought of it as a threat. But the way he said it sounds playfully endearing.

I have to pace myself so I don't stumble out of the stall like an idiot right in front of him. My heart is pounding against my rib cage and I haven't felt it that strong since the night Levi first kissed me on his bed.

My shaky hand manages to flip open the lock on the door and I pull it open to find Levi standing inches away from me. I barely have time to take another step before he pulls me against him to give me a warm kiss. It doesn't last too long, but it leaves me bushing and a smile pulling at my lips. His hands are warm when they wrap around my back, forcing me to shiver as if we're locked in a fridge. That's how I feel a lot of the time.

He pulls away to look at me with his deep gray eyes that I love way too much. They appear more blue now, but maybe it's the light. It's like they change colour whenever they want, but I love them either way.

“So, will you go out with me, Eren?”

I know he said he was going to ask me, but hearing it out loud is so unreal. There's a fuzzy butterfly flopping around in my stomach making me unable to speak, but I'm still capable of nodding ten times in a row. This could be a mistake for all I know. No relationships end well for me. I want to believe Levi is different. I feel so good when I'm with him that there's no way it could be wrong.

He gets his answer from my frantic nodding, not that he needed me to response since he knew my answer off the bat. I curl my hands into his chest like the child I am just so I can feel him. He kisses me again and I have no reason to feel guilty. I don't want anyone else but him.

Nothing could ever feel more right. It's as if I'm a different person knowing I'm with someone I truly love. It's not as if I never loved Jean, but it's not the same. He was never there for me the way Levi was. He would leave me alone in the apartment as I cried myself to sleep, while Levi would hold me and comb through my hair until I calmed down.

“No more hiding, alright? You can tell me anything.”

I'm starting to think there's a fifty fifty chance of me telling the truth. Lying has gotten me far in life. It's covered up my secrets so no ones has to worry. It's painted me as a normal teenager to the untrained eye. If everyone knew who I really was, I would be pushed the other way.

“I want to, Levi, but... everything comes out as a lie. You'd think I would know better by now...”

“It may take time, I understand. You need to trust me enough to feel comfortable with telling me certain things. Lying doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you're scared.”

There might be some truth to that, but it doesn't make the situation any better. The fact still remains that I lie. I'm relieved Levi is understanding, but I'm starting to wish it affected him more so I could have some motivation to stop.

“But... you said yourself a relationship is about trust... so how-”

“Trust doesn't happen overnight.”

I sigh quietly at the frustration in my gut. I push that aside when out fingers lace together. I'm his now. People aren't objects, so it's selfish to think Levi is mine, but I know every last fiber of my being belongs to him.

“Don't worry about it too much, Eren.”

“I can't help it.”

“Then it's my job to distract you.”

“With what?”

“I'm thinking fast food for supper.”

That's a pretty good side tracker. I snort a little with his attempt to get my mind somewhere else, and the sad thing is, it actually works. I'm already thinking of all the different things we could have, because I know Levi will be wondering where I want to eat. He always lets me chose.

Our hands stay together when we finally leave the bathroom to gather our things. The only time I let him go is when I need to put on my coat, after that, my hand is back fitted in with his. He hasn't said anything about my how clingy I am a few minutes after us being official so I'm guessing he doesn't care. He's the one who initiates things anyway, I simply accept them.

I push my bag back over my shoulder as we walk out together. It sucks that I won't be able to hold his hand in the car that much, but I'll be doing plenty of that when we get back home.

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Warning* Smut ahead

It's been a little over a week since Levi and I started officially dating. Nothing between us has changed much, except that us being together gives Levi more reasons to kiss me whenever he wants. His hands are on me constantly, but I welcome it more than anything.

We both went out the other day for another dinner date which escalated into a trip down town where I finally caved and got a piercing. It wasn't planned at all. We passed by the small shop where Levi pointed out where he got his helix pierced and I immediately ran inside. I was curious to see what it looked like.

At first glance it reminded me of one of those typical expensive jewelry stores where everything is behind a glass case and there are fancy men in tuxes at the ready to bombard you if you need help. There was an older man behind the counter who looked like he'd been doing this his whole life. He himself had quite a few piercing along with a snake tattoo running up his arm. Pretty bad-ass if you ask me.

Initially, I was only looking, window shopping and listening to the owner explain to me all the different kinds of piercing that were available. I didn't plan on getting anything pierced until he mentioned one kind that caught my attention.

Now here I am wandering into the apartment with my shirt hiked up so the fabric doesn't catch on the small dangling ring in my belly button. It was hard to keep my hands off of it during the ride home, and Levi had to remind me more than a few times to stop poking at it.

Levi was considering getting another piercing, but thought better of it and to save the money for his upcoming car payments. He was still there to hold my hand as I was laying down on the table which made the small pinch easier to bear. I've never been a huge fan of needles, but I figured I could tolerate one.

I head into the bedroom to pull on a new [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/bljren/set?id=181395987) and Levi follows me, waiting until I'm fully dressed to pull me down onto the bed. I lay down on my back with Levi beside me propped up on his elbow. I can hear Max off in the living room batting around his toy mice. He's given up on trying to steal my key. I found an old box in Levi's bathroom that I now keep it in so the little turd can't give me another heart attack.

“Does it feel okay?”

I nod at him, smiling lightly while his fingertips tease the skin above my navel.

“It's a little sore, but I'm alright.”

Apparently it takes a little longer for these kinds of piercing to completely heal. Leave it to me to pick the one that takes forever. I couldn't be a normal person and settle for a lobe piercing. Levi backed me up when I mentioned wanting to get my navel pierced. I'm starting to think he secretly wanted me to, but didn't want to pressure me into it.

“Did I, or did I not say that you would look good with one?”

“Yeah, yeah. Do you want a prize or something?”

I roll my eyes with a light smirk, letting the sarcastic words fall from my lips. I'll admit, I never thought I would like it so much. Even now, having the piercing makes me feel ten times more attractive with my high cropped shirts. Plus it didn't cost me a fortune so it was one of the better decisions I've made. Unlike wasting my money on cigarettes. I haven't thought about picking one of those up in weeks.

“My prize is right here.”

His palm meets my cheek where he guides me to turn towards him, our lips touching lightly before he leans in further. He's kissed me everyday, yet I still can't help but blush after each one. Yesterday night I had to swat him away so I could go to sleep without him giving me cold chills by kissing my arm.

The thing is, I want more than kissing. The thought had crossed my mind before, but now it's in the back of my head constantly whenever we're close. Is it too soon for that kind of thing? His touches feel so good, so how would they feel if they were skin on skin? I can't help but think those kind of things especially after sharing kisses that make me feel so happy.

“L-Levi...”

How does one even bring up that sort of thing?

He's pulls back to watch me and I have to turn my head away to stare at the dim coloured wall on the other side of the bed. It's embarrassing to ask. Someone like me shouldn't be thinking about this kind of stuff. When was the last time I pleasured myself let alone letting another person do it for me?

“C-can you... touch me?”

Way to make that as broad as humanly possible.

“What do you mean?”

Yeah jackass. He's touching you right now. Apparently I need to elaborate without sounding stupid. Good luck.

“I-I want you to... to touch me...but.. not only my face.”

I fail.

He raises his eyebrow slightly, shifting the stud higher on his face and now I feel like a complete idiot. How do normal people ask for this sort of thing? Do we start making out and then it suddenly progresses? How is he supposed to know what I want if I don't bring it up?

“Eren, if you want a blowjob just ask.”

“Levi!”

I squeak softly and bring my hands up to cover my face and how red it's turning. How is it that Levi can go from being so gentle and caring to a complete gutter mouth within the span of five seconds? He snorts playfully and pulls my hands away from my eyes where he meets my pouting face, but it's not all that threatening. I can tell he's trying all too hard not to start laughing. It's not something he does often, but I can tell when he's about to crack.

“Don't phrase it like that.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to see you blush again.”

“You're an ass.”

“I know.”

I roll my head to the side to stare back at the wall and Levi quickly takes his opportunity to lean down again to nip at the side of my neck causing me to gasp and arch, my hand snapping to his arm, tugging on his [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=144978454) to give myself something to hold onto. Thank god I don't need to work tomorrow because my mind is no where else but right here.

No words are spoken, but his warm breath causes a wave of shivers to wash over me. I shake against him and can already feel the small bumps forming on my skin. The shirt covering my upper body holds no use now and is doing a shitty job at keeping me warm.

I gasp again and squeeze his arm when his tongue presses to my neck with each kiss, gliding lower and lower until he starts to reach the neckline of my shirt.

I'm having a déja vu moment right now.

Levi's hand is sliding under my shirt except this time there's no phone. There's no other reason for him to be doing this besides to touch me. The room is a thousand degrees and I'm still finding reasons to shiver. His fingertips are tracing every groove and dip along my chest and my sides, brushing across every inch of skin he can reach.

His lips leave my neck and return to mine, claiming them once again to muffle the small noises I'm starting to make. I'm pressing myself as close as I can; our lips seeming like they're glued together with the way I'm acting. I don't want him to pull away. I want to feel him and take in his scent; that same clean smell that's kept me warm and safe for the past few months. Who would have thought I could fall for someone in such a short amount of time.

Levi means more to me than anything and it's taken me so long to realize that. I was stupid for not seeing it before. Everything feels different when he's with me. He's an attractive person, but it's because of what he's done for me that I'm drawn to him. I love him.

Our tongues glide together and our slow kissing is the only noise that reaches my ears. His hands are warm under my shirt; his fingertips still roaming over my chest until they brush against my nipples, causing me to arch and moan into the kiss. That small touch to my chest starts a chain reaction of heat building between my legs that's only going to get worse.

Levi breaks the kiss again to focus his eyes on his fingers, which are now undoing each of the buttons of my shirt. I shiver, but let him continue. I'm nervous as hell and maybe even a little scared, but I know this is what I want. It's my choice and I'm not going to regret it.

His fingers work delicately, sliding each button through the corresponding hole until it's completely undone. My blushing gets worse and an even bigger wave of cold air hits me when he pulls the loose fabric away from my chest. My small buds perk up almost instantly and I'm left shaking like a leaf to try and get some heat back into my body.

“Eren, are you alright?”

“Y-yes... just...a little cold.”

At least he knows my shaking isn't from being afraid. I'm doing an okay job at hiding how nervous I really am. There's also a hint of excitement thrown in there despite what my body language is saying.

Levi kisses me again and lets himself move down to nip at my collarbone, sliding his hand down across my sides to give them a soft squeeze. Normally I would hate being treated like a china doll, but I'm allowed to enjoy it everyone once in awhile. I'm so used to being hurt that I'll take all the warm, soft touches I can get. I don't want this to be rough.

The slow nips lead him to my chest where he swirls his tongue across one of my buds. I moan as quietly as I can while pressing my hand to my mouth to shut myself up. The last thing I need to do is wake up Erwin and have him walk in on us. I would not be able to look him in the eye after that.

The heat in my shorts increases when he takes my nipple into his mouth to suck it gingerly, pulling on it with his lips until he releases it with a light pop. My head is swimming with nothing but pleasure, making it hard for me to try and stay silent while Levi teases my chest over and over again. He gives my second nipple the same delicate treatment forcing me to shiver more when the air hits the wet skin.

His hand slide down to my pants to palm the front firmly which succeeds in making them painfully tight. It's my own fault for wearing the tightest jeans I would find. He starts to toy with the zipper, tugging it down a little until I tug on his arm and catch his attention.

“W-wait...”

He stops his movements to catch my eyes where I look away with another blush.

“I...I don't want to be the only one half naked.”

I'm glad he didn't take my shirt off. It's open on the front, but it's still covering my arms which is the part I'm most concerned about. I used to wear a shirt all the time with anything involving sexual contact because of my bandages and scars, so it's a big change for me to be exposed even a little on my upper half. Which certainly means I don't want to be the only one like that.

Levi doesn't question me or complain, he simply pulls the hem of his shirt over his head and tosses it on the floor. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't staring. I know Levi is strong for his size and age, but I never expected him to be so toned. His skin is like porcelain even with the lights so dim and each muscle on his chest is perfectly defined. I can finally see where the tattoo ends on his shoulder and I have to blink a few times to makes sure this is real.

“What's wrong?”

“N-nothing... you just... look really good.”

He gives me one of those signature smirks that I love before returning to place soft kisses along my chest. His hands resume what they were intending to do; pressing firmly against the now small bulge in my pants. It's embarrassing to know I can get so excited over the smallest touches. My body is hyper sensitive to anything which Levi has no doubt discovered on his own.

He kisses my nose to earn himself a sad attempt of a scowl while his hands trace lower, finally unbuttoning the top of my skin tight jeans along with the zipper, teasing the waistline just to get me to squirm. His hands are warm so at least there's no cold touch to make me squeak like a girl or this would be even more embarrassing.

I lift my hips to help out a little, his fingers hooking through the belt loops to slowly wiggle myself out of the tight fabric. They slide off relatively easy once they get past my hips leaving me bare save for my opened shirt and blue panties.

Yes, I said panties. I can't wear normal boxers with the type of clothing I chose. They would bunch up and make everything uncomfortable. Has anyone ever attempted to wear boxers and leggings together? I'm sure that would end in a disaster.

Levi tosses my pants onto the floor along with his shirt in a small pile. I'm shocked he didn't fold them up. I'm trying not to pull my legs up as his hand slides along my thigh and stop at my waist. Instinct is telling me to close my legs, but Levi situates himself between them, crouched on his knees while he traces my skin delicately with his fingertips.

His eyes don't linger in one place for too long and I'm glad for that. He doesn't seem to care about my choice of underwear and how feminine it is. I suppose he's used to my style. The only thing bad about it is now he can see how hard I am under the fabric.

I watch him shift back a little to get on his hands and knees, dipping his head down to kiss and nip at the insides of my thighs. He's so close to my crotch that it's making me whine. I'm clutching my shirt in one hand while the other is pressed against my mouth. I spread my legs a little wider and he hums softly as a response. I can't find any words in my throat besides noises- if those could even be qualified as words.

I arch against him when his tongue moves unexpectedly to pressed against the front of my panties. Licking dangerously slow through the thin fabric just to be a giant tease. This was my stupid idea for wanting him to touch me. I never specified how fast I wanted him to go, but this is driving me insane.

He takes me into his mouth and I cry out softly, feeling the heat of his breath and wetness of his tongue through the thin layer separating my skin from his touch. I'm twitching against him and there's no way in hell he doesn't feel it. The anticipation of waiting for him to go further is twisting my brain into knots.

“L-Levi, please.”

Everything feels so good. If he keeps avoiding what I want I'll end up finishing before he can start.

He glances up at me with that piercing gaze and it makes cold chills spread across my skin. He moves so fluidly that it's mesmerizing to see each of his muscles shift and roll so perfectly. He has an amazing body and I can't keep my eyes off him. His jet black hair is falling over his eyes, a little more messy than it usually is. The chain around his neck brushes across my legs every once in awhile, but finally ceases when he shifts up to pull my panties off from my waist.

I lift my hips once more to leave my lower half completely bare and vulnerable to his sight and touch. He can do whatever he wants and for the most part- I'll let him. He pauses for a moment to take in the sight of me nearly naked on his bed and I choose to be a tease myself and spread my legs wider for him and pushing the fabric of my shirt completely off my chest to show him everything.

“Fuck, you're beautiful.”

I blush harder as our eyes meet. I've never had anyone call me that. That's not a word I would use to describe myself. I've always thought of my body as repulsive or disgusting and not only because of my scars. I'm thin and pale, no muscle whatsoever and no delicate curves that a normal body should have. I'm also a little self conscious about the size between my legs. I'm not big by any means. 5 inches max, and that's if I really want to stretch the truth.

Levi doesn't waste anymore time. He shift back to support himself on his elbows, taking my shaft in his hand to stroke it slowly. I whine into my palm with how foreign everything feels. It's not like I've never been touched before. I'm not a virgin for fuck sakes, but the fact that it's Levi is making it feel so much better.

He gives wet kisses to my tip before taking it into his mouth. I cry out again, but it doesn't stop. He starts to suck gingerly and my toes curl into the sheets while I bite down on my thumb. I don't want to be loud. It's a curse. My body is so sensitive that it makes me vocal to anything. I've always thought of it as obnoxious or fake like the noises you would hear in a terrible porno. But the fact is, everything coming out of my mouth is genuine.

He removes his hand to slide it across my side, taking me entirely into his mouth to bob his head, twisting his lips to send surges of pleasure over my whole body. His eyes are closed as his mouth does the work for him. All he needs are his ears. If I make a loud noise, he'll repeat whatever he did to pull it from my lips again. He's learning every inch of my body with the information I give him.

It's a dead give away how sensitive my tip is. That's a given for most guys anyway, but Levi is learning how loud I can get when his tongue swirls around my head or when he teases my slit. The pressure in my stomach increases each time until I fall apart and become a moaning mess.

His pace slowly gets faster and he tightens his lips while he pushes me to the back of his throat with each bob of his head. I swear to god Levi does this for a living. Either that, or I've been way too deprived. It's been months since I was last touched. This kind of stuff was never a regular thing with Jean. He was gone most of the time and when he came back from work he was always too tired to do anything.

My tip hits his throat again and I instantly buck my hips, pushing further. Levi has to pull back a little and now I realize he wasn't expecting me to move at all. I don't want to make him gag.

“S-sorry.”

He gives me a small glance before repeating. This time he doesn't pull back when I move forward. I'm starting to buck into his mouth each time and I can't stop my body from moving. It feels so good that I'm doing it on pure instinct knowing it will feel amazing each time.

He starts to move faster against each of my thrusts with an intense pressure building in the pit of my stomach. I'm starting to pant and moan, my hips arching up as my head tilts to the side to watch the sight between my legs. I shiver again and reach down to grab his hand, but he's too far. His arms are wrapped around my legs to keep me still as he increases his pace.

“L-Levi...y-your hand.”

I can't get out any other words. I meet his eyes and he gives me what I want. He gives me his hand and I immediately lace our fingers to squeeze gently. I don't care if it's weird, I want to hold him but he's too far away, so this is the best I can do. He squeezes back and that warmth returns to my heart that makes me want to cry of pure happiness.

My second hand reaches down to comb my fingers through his hair, taking small hand fulls and tugging lightly to keep myself grounded. Now that I think about it, I've never felt his hair before. That's an odd thing to come to mind at a time like this, but it's daunting how soft it is. Brushing the strands feels like I'm rubbing silk.

I've abandoned trying to silence myself so I'm letting each noise fall past my lips without trying to hide it. The pressure is becoming too much and I'm about to break. I push some of his hair out of the way to get a better look which is a mistake. I moan softly as I watch him move fluidly between my legs, taking me into his mouth time after time. I can't seem to tear my eyes away.

“I-I'm gonna c-cum.”

I can't hold it anymore. I'm squeezing his hand harder now and pulling his hair in my fist and now biting my lip to try and hold myself together. Levi tightens his lips around my shaft, taking everything into his mouth, pressing his tongue flat against the base of my crown, rubbing that small spot that seems to have 80 percent of my nerves.

I'm starting to pant his name like it's the only word I know. I want it to be the only word. He's all that matters. I love him so much it makes my chest ache.

I cry out for the final time as I reach my high, releasing that spring in my stomach, my seed spilling into his mouth as he continues to suck to help me ride out my climax. My vision goes white and my whole body arches as soft moans escape my open lips due to the pure ecstasy I'm feeling. The panting doesn't stop even after my high has passed. My legs are trembling and I doubt I could move if I wanted to.

Sweat is starting to bead along my brow as I lay completely exhausted on the bed, legs spread and chest exposed with absolutely no care in the world. Levi pulls off my member with a soft pop, kissing my tip a final time as it throbs against his lips. He takes my other hand to mimic the position of the other. I don't move an inch when he crawls over me to look into my eyes like I'm the last person on earth.

“I love you, Eren.”

I'll never get tired of hearing that.

I smile back softly, trying to keep my eyes open with how tired I feel. He follows up with more kisses across my neck up to my jawline and cheeks. I'm too weak to try and push him off this time, but his lips are soft and warm which is something I'll never get tired of.

The sheets feel soaked under my back and the sweat covering my body is starting to chill. There's no way in hell I'm sleeping in drenched blankets. I'm not the only one to blame for that.

“I think I need a shower.”

“I think I should join you.”

I chuckle softly, pulling my hands away from his to wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him down a little closer. He's sweating a little too, which makes sense seeing as he was doing all the work. I had no clue I could sweat so much simply by laying down and doing nothing.

“I have a feeling you're gonna be doing more than just showering.”

“And what makes you think that?”

Probably the look he's giving me. It's not the kind of look someone gives you when you want to jump in the shower for 5 minutes. He has other intentions.

“You're gonna do this again, aren't you?”

“Maybe.”

I roll my eyes playfully arching up against him slightly to feel his toned stomach against mine. He's even warmer now- more so than he normally is. Our skin sticks together and I laugh quietly to myself as Levi starts to nibble on my neck just to be a pain in the ass.

It's almost like a giant weight has shifted off my chest. Besides the fact I'm light headed, my whole body is tingling with my focus on nothing but the guy in front of me. It flutters my heart whenever I think of us as a couple. To call Levi my boyfriend is so surreal. But it's true.

“Fine. But this better not take more than fifteen minutes. I'm tired enough as it is.”

“Deal.”

 


	33. Chapter 33

 

I was too tired to walk to the shower as pathetic as it sounds. Levi had to pull me out of bed and carry me as I wrapped my legs around his waist. It was an awkward position, but it worked non the less. I had my arms wrapped around his neck so I wouldn't fall and I felt like a three year old- or one of those monkeys who cling to their mother as they walk. His hands were supporting my thighs and I have no clue how he managed to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom and make it look so easy.

He set me down on the counter with my ass nearly falling into the sink. He closed the door behind us and kissed me deeply with my fingers digging into his shoulders. I haven't checked to see if I left any marks, but I'm sure I have. I whine every time he pulls away only to have him return to my lips to silence me. I know I said I didn't want this to take too long, but I won't mind if we drag it out for an extra five minutes.

“Are you gonna let me turn on the water?”

I break the kiss to look at him and his gorgeous eyes that seem to leave me in a trance whenever I see them. My face is flushed from a mixture of our previous kiss and from whatever went on in the bedroom a few moments ago. My lips are a little swollen from the constant kisses and wouldn't have it any other way.

“I changed my mind. Can we have a bath instead?”

He turns to look at me over his shoulder as he leans down to run the water, his fingers dipped in the small waterfall from the faucet to check the temperature. It better be scalding. I could never understand how anyone can tolerate cold showers. Isn't the point of a shower to be relaxing?

“And when did you decide this?”

“A few seconds ago.”

He rolls his eyes and reaches over the tub to grab the plug resting on the side. There's no arguing with him. If I wanted to sit in the tub with no water at all, he would let me.

I smile at him and lean forward to press my hands between my legs on the counter. Half of the reason is for support and the other half is to block my still hardened member. Now that we're in a fully lit room, I'm a little more self conscious about my body. At least my shirt is still covering some things, but even that will have to leave me soon.

Levi returns to me, standing between my legs, thumbing my hips as I wiggle them playfully for him. His hands are on me whenever he gets the chance, touching my arms and legs or slipping under whatever clothes I'm wearing to brush against my skin. Does he really love my body that much?

One of his hands touch my neck and I squirm slightly, arching my body against him and leaning up for him to kiss me again. He does exactly that while his hand moves down to the loose fabric of my sweater, pulling it down off my shoulders to let it rest on my arms. I want to move it back up, but I'll need to get naked eventually if I want to get in the tub.

I finish for him and pull my arms out of the sleeves to let the shirt fall to the floor by his feet. I don't like the way I look and I never have. My shoulders are bony and my collarbone juts out to make it look like I haven't eaten in days. Add that to the list of everything else and you can understand why I hate my appearance. There are some things I've learned to live with, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't change them if I had the chance.

Our kiss ends and I pull my glasses off to set them besides me. I'm now left bare, save for the bandages still wrapped around my arms. They don't count as clothing though. I'm about to hop down from the counter until Levi takes my wrist to start undoing them. I visibly flinch and pull my arm away from him, tucking it against my body as if he just made an attempt to stab me. Might as well have.

“W-what are you doing?”

“I'm taking them off.”

“Why?”

“Don't you normally take them off before a shower?”

I shake my head and he gives me this look that tells me he isn't convinced. It's true though. I leave them on for the whole time until I'm done. I don't want to look at the hideous scars the whole time I'm in the shower. I only change them after so I can get it done quick. It might also be habit. I would often make a few cuts in the morning and hot water would sting the wounds so I learned to cover them beforehand and leave them that way.

“I'll change them when we're done.”

“Why not take them off now?”

“I don't want to.”

Is that a lie? Maybe.

If I take them off, then that's it. Levi will see everything. It's not like he hasn't seen them before, but not when the rest of me is so vulnerable. I've never been completely naked in front of anyone. I've always had a shirt, or my bandages to cover up the small parts about me I want to keep hidden. This will be the first time Levi will see me as a whole.

It's not that I'm scared, but I'm worried. Something in my brain is telling me once I'm bare for him, he won't like me as much as he claims he does. I know it doesn't make any sense, but who could love a body like mine? He said I was beautiful, but that was only to the parts he could see.

“There's more to it than that, isn't there?”

His voice is so soft it gives me shivers. I love and hate him for being able to read me. He's starting to tell when I'm lying, or when there's something I'm not telling him. Not that it's too hard. Most of the time I avoid eye contact in the hopes that he can't see the emotions in my eyes. I also have a tendency to rub or scratch my arm. I'm practically an open book to him.

“Levi... can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

As usual, I hide my eyes. I fix them on the floor as if there's something interesting to look at. I can feel his gaze burning into my skull, but at least I know I have his full attention. Now that we're a couple, I shouldn't be so worried about what Levi thinks of me. He's with me for a reason, but that never stopped anyone else.

“In the bedroom... you said I was beautiful...”

“I did.”

“Did you mean that?”

It's a stupid question. One I should know the answer to. But there's always that small amount of skepticism in the back of my head. People can say anything in the heat of the moment. Isn't that how some accidentally say 'I love you'?

“Of course I did. Why would I say it if I didn't mean it?”

“Then... what parts of me are beautiful?”

“What?”

“Or... did you only say that because it was intimate?”

I shouldn't be turning this into an interrogation. I'm sure I'm confusing the poor guy even more. I'm acting like if he doesn't say the right thing, then I'll hate him. I doubt I could ever hate Levi, or anyone for that matter, but I would be upset if he said something wrong.

“Where is all this coming from?”

“I want to know.”

He lets out a sigh that sounds more exhausted than anything. Who wouldn't be tired after having to deal with me all day? It feels like I'm asking him the same things over and over again. I'm questioning our relationship when I should let it go and be happy we're together. I just don't want anything to be fake.

“Eren... when I say I love you I mean every last inch. It's not as if I only have certain parts of you that I like. It doesn't work like that.”

“So... do you love my scars?”

That's what I've been wanting to know this whole time. Levi has seen me at my worst; when I've been reduced to nothing but a cut up mess, sobbing on a floor soaked in my own blood. He's seen what I do to myself, yet here he is. I want to know why the horrid sights like that don't send him the other direction. It's confusing to say the least.

The realization of what I asked seems to hit him like a truck. He said he loved every part of me, so does that include the disgusting flaws I have? How can he love something so grotesque? There's no way anyone can be attracted to that sort of thing.

There's a silence between us and all I can hear is the running water gushing out from the tap. The mirror on the far wall is starting to fog up the the amount of steam circling the air while the two of us say nothing. At least I can't see myself in the reflection anymore. He's not saying anything and that twists my stomach into knots. He could be trying to think of something to say, or he's realizing he lied and he doesn't love every part of me like he claimed he did.

I let the first tear slide down my cheek while my head is turned. I now want out of the bathroom, or at least a towel wrapped around me to cover up and not be so exposed.

“I can't love them.”

I knew it. He hates them.

He must think they're disgusting every time to sees the bandages. To think someone could sink so low and mark themselves permanently is nothing short of pathetic. So, is that what he thinks of me? If he was thinking that this whole time, then why is he here? For a good laugh maybe? To treat me like a charity case?

My hand reaches up to wipe away the tears rolling down my face. It's not the heavy crying that I'm used to, but I hate it either way. Whenever things get emotional, it's a given that I'm the first one to break down. Has Levi ever cried before? He's human, of course he cries, but I've never seen it. The closest thing was when he found me in the bathroom of Jean's apartment with my arms slashed open.

His hands find mine and pull them away from my eyes, brushing his thumbs along the tips of my fingers. I hate that he can see my arms. The gauze is still white except for the smudged marker along the underside curled into those simple three words that mean the most to me. But are they true? I guess 'I love you' is easier to write than 'I love certain parts and others... not so much'.

“It's not for the reasons you're thinking.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“I'm not repulsed by them, Eren.”

“I wouldn't blame you if you were.”

“They have no affect on how I feel about you, but I can't love them because of how much pain they've caused.”

My eyes tilt up to meet his and I'm left staring at his face as he focuses on his fingers gently undoing the clasp holding the wrapped bandage in place. I'm frozen for now, so I let him do what he wants. I trust him.

“I don't know what you've been through, or what drove you to do this, but all I know is that you were hurting and I wasn't there to help. It's illogical, I know. There's no way I could have been there since we didn't know each other, but the fact remains that I wasn't there when you needed someone and that hurts more than anything.”

He sets the clip on the counter next to me and the wraps slowly come undone, falling loose until the damaged skin underneath is visible to both of us. It makes me cringe every time. It's even harder to look at when they're fresh. My last cuts were a little over a week ago after the nightmare, but those are the only two that stick out among the lines of white. He does the same to my other arm until I'm completely bare, left to shiver with nothing but the air to keep me warm.

“I'm not saying your scars are beautiful. I'm saying _you_ are. These marks don't define who you are.”

“Y-yes they do.”

I often feel like that same child who stayed locked up in their room with nothing but a blade and box of tissues. The one who scared away all his friends and picked fights with anyone within a five centimeter radius. Nothing about me has changed, except the fighting part. I've diminished to nothing but a wimp with a weak heart. If others were to see the sorry state of my body, assumptions would be made and for the most part, they would be true.

“They're telling everyone that I'm weak... a-and that my life is a mess.”

It's not as if people cut themselves out of pure boredom. I didn't pick up a razor one day and decide to start doing this to myself because I had nothing better to do. There's a reason. There's always a reason.

“Blood doesn't come from healed wounds. These are scars for a reason, Eren.”

His fingertips trail delicately over my forearm, over each small bump so lightly it's as if he isn't touching me at all. No one has ever touched me there. I've never felt someone's hand on my most vulnerable area, yet there's Levi who is breaking all barriers and shattering everything I've ever known about love and rebuilding on shaky beams. I'm not stable, but he's giving everything he has to keep me standing.

“You're not weak. If that were true, you wouldn't be here. You would have chosen to give up instead of move forward. You're still fighting and this is proof.”

I sniffle softly, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand while Levi holds the other. It's hard to believe I'm healing, but maybe it's true. I used to hurt myself everyday. Now, I've gone a full week without my mind wandering to the sharp edges that gave me so much relief. I'm starting to sleep through the night, knowing I have someone next to me whenever I go to bed and wake up. There are small changes, but they make all the different when it comes to my mental state.

The bandages are resting on the counter where Levi set them, my arms shaking a little from being out in the open for so long. Levi leans closer for a kiss that ends all too quickly, my hands clutching his shoulders to keep him from moving too far away. I scoot off the counter to stand with him, my nose buried into his neck and our chests flush against each other to feel the gentle rise and fall of his breathing.

“Thank you, Levi.”

I curl my hands between us, resting them together between our bodies, trying to ignore how I'm completely naked against him while he's half clothed. I'm sure he won't mind if I hide myself for a little bit. I've never let anyone see me naked and it's a little overwhelming. Out of everyone in the world, I'm glad it's Levi.

“I never should have questioned you. I'm sorry.”

“You won't get the answers if you don't ask.”

“I still feel like an idiot though.”

He snort quietly next to my ear, giving my sides a soft pinch to earn him a squeak. I blush harder when his finger start to drum on the skin of my lower back- dangerously close to my ass. I know he means nothing by it, but that's an erogenous zone he has yet to discover. I'll give it a day at max.

“ You should get undressed... this is already taking longer than I'd planned.”

I shuffle away from him and head towards the tub, leaning over to turn off the tap now that the giant bowl is sufficiently filled. If I really wanted to drag this out, I would have gone for a bubble bath. I haven't had one of those in ages and I find them all too amusing. Something tells me Levi would have given me the sink eye for suggesting it. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to buy bath soaks anyways.

The water is the perfect temperature, which is relaxing as I lower myself into the tub, gripping the edges a little too tightly to prevent myself from slipping. Coordination isn't my strong suit. I let out a soft moan as if this is the best thing I've ever experienced. Showers just don't compare to soaking your whole body in a pool of heat.

“That good huh?”

“It feels amazing.”

My eyes are close to fluttering shut until I spot Levi stripping down in the middle of the room. He isn't facing me, so he doesn't notice how much I'm staring. He tosses his pants and underwear next to my discarded shirt, stretching slightly to shift the ink trailing down his back. The tattoo is way larger than I thought. It suits him.

Not only that, but he has an amazing body. His legs are just as toned as the rest of him. I can fully admire the small dip in his waist and the shape of his hips and thighs. I swear it's like they were chiseled for some roman statue. His thighs are relatively thick, but not in the womanly sense.

I have to snap my eyes away when he turns around. I don't want to be caught staring. Why is it that my eyes are drawn to the crotch whenever someone's naked? Is that a normal reaction? It's not exactly something you see everyday so it's not my fault. Plus I'm a little curious as to what my boyfriend looks like from the waist down. Calling him that still sounds odd.

It's painfully obvious that I was staring at him. I'm trying to act natural, as if I was in a trance at the water instead of his body. I'm glad I don't see my reflection through the ripples because I would hate to see how red I am. I could always blame it on the temperature of the room and hope he believes me.

As if I'm trying to lie about that.

“Move your butt up.”

I don't notice he's beside me until I feel a small nudge on my shoulder and glance up with a small questioning look. His dark hair is falling over his face, leaving even larger shadows under his eyes that suit him perfectly. I never thought it was possible for someone to look so good while seeming so tired.

“Why?”

“I'm sitting behind you.”

I look away quickly before doing as I'm told, shifting forward a little to leave him room to situate himself behind me. My legs instinctively curl up against me to hide my chest as I see Levi's legs slide beside me, bent at the knee and resting against the sides of the tub. His presence is overwhelming and I'm afraid to lean back. I suppose afraid isn't the best word. I'm nervous about being naked and wet against him and to be so open with nothing covering me in the blinding light of the ceiling fixture.

He shifts a little, but I can't see what he's doing. I'm left to stare at the faucet with my legs pressed against me. There's a gentle touch against my back, followed by more across my shoulder blades that I discover to be him leaving kisses across my skin. It feels nice. It's like a massage, but way better. It leaves small bumps along my arms that cause me to shiver and I rest my head against my knees with a small sigh. I could easily fall asleep like this.

I don't mind him touching my back. Sure, it's a little bony, but it's not like there's anything I'm afraid of him seeing. The only thing is a small scar past my right hipbone; a mark I got a few years ago when my father pushed me into the table the night I ran away. It's nothing too major, but you can see the mark if you look closely. Though, I doubt Levi would be looking for anything like that.

Levi stops his kisses at the back of my neck and I whine a little instead of opening my mouth to complain. It takes too much effort to talk, so might as well sound like a pissed off cat instead. There's a quiet sound of a cap and I turn around to watch him squeeze a good amount of shampoo onto his hands and he makes a small motion for me to lean forward. I finally uncurl to let myself move, dunking my hair into the warm water. I come up again, shaking my head like a dog to get rid of the droplets threatening to fall into my eyes.

Levi laughs to himself before his fingers find their way to my hair, threading them through my dark locks, coating them with suds. He's careful to cover every inch, taking his time so none of the soap trails down my face. Each motion is soft, his fingers moving delicately through my roots. My scalp is in heaven.

“Is this my shampoo?”

“Yes. You're the only one who buys flowery shit.”

“It's not my fault men's shampoo smells like ass.”

Seriously. Why does it all smell like a bunch of chemicals? At least girl's shampoo smells like something. I guess guys don't want to be caught dead smelling like a flower, but I could care less. You can smell a guy's shampoo ten minutes before the person actually walks into the room. It's way to strong for my liking.

“Are you implying I smell like an ass?”

“No.”

I chuckle quietly to myself, smirking a little at my unintentional insult. My eyes flutter closed for a moment while Levi continues to works the suds through the rest of my hair. It isn't hard to tell he's having way too much fun with it. He pulls my hair in different directions at times to make small chunks stick up more than they normally would minus the soap. Why is he washing my hair for me in the first place?

He finishes after a few minutes and I'm left to lean back over to wash everything out of my tangled mane. I come back up to shake my head again, nearly whipping Levi in the face and falling over in the process. I'm trying my hardest not to spill the water over the edge of the tub. Levi may have left the water running for a little too long, but I'm the one to blame for that.

There's a small noise that works its way past my lips when I feel Levi's arms wrap around my stomach, pulling me back to lean against his chest to have our skin flush against each other. I'm tense at first, but relax when he places his chin on my shoulder to kiss my cheek. He's far more affectionate than I thought. I remember thinking he was a cold asshole when I first met him, but maybe this soft interior has been here all along.

My hands find their place resting on his, the back of my head pressed against his collarbone while my toes play with the small nob on the faucet. I could stay here forever in complete silence if it meant I could be held by him. It's a cheesy thing to say, but I've always been a sap for romance. I soak it up like a sponge.

“You're not gonna fall asleep on me are you, Eren?”

“I might.”

“You'll wake up looking like a prune.”

“I don't care.”

“Of course you don't.”

“Besides, it's not like you'll be able to move if I fall asleep on you.”

“What are you getting at?”

“You'll be a prune too.”

“You're a little shit.”

Why is it that all his weird named sound endearing? Somehow 'little shit' ends up being affectionate coming from his mouth. I'm sure he's the only one who can pull that off.

“Does this mean I get to wash your hair too?”

I tilt my head a little to look at him, his cheek resting in the dip of my neck as a form of support. He snorts like usual which tells me his answer is an instant no. All I can do in response is whine, shifting up a little to wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him down a little to nuzzle against his cheek. This gives him full reign of my body and he takes advantage of that, sliding his palms across my stomach, careful not to touch the piercing poking out from my navel.

“I'll have a proper shower in the morning.”

“Fine.”

I pout slightly and as convincing as possible even though he can barely see my face. If he doesn't have his shower too early, I'm sure I could wake up and sneak in with him. He might shit himself when I suddenly appear, but that would make it all the more amusing. Something tells me he wouldn't mind the company or having the chance to touch me as mush as possible.

We fall into a comfortable silence with our arms around each other, Levi humming softly into my ear which is giving me cold chills. I have no clue what song it is, or maybe it's something he's improvising, but it sounds nice regardless. Levi has such a deep voice I'm curious to know what he would sound like if he could sing. Now I'll need to get that image out of my brain before I go crazy.

Part of me is glad this whole thing didn't turn into something sexual. That's always a nice bonus and all, but cuddling is something I enjoy just as much. Levi's touches aren't in any red zone areas so it's clear he's taking back what he said about repeating the bed situation in the tub. There will be plenty of other times for that.

It's going to be painful to get out of the warm water, but after that we'll be heading straight to bed- once the sheets are changed. Something I'm not looking forward to. It's going to waste precious sleeping time and take what little energy I have left for staying awake. It's Levi's bed, so we'll want to make sure the sheets are perfect even though they'll get messed up a few seconds later. There are some things I'll never understand about him.

How he can love me is far beyond my comprehension. He's way out of my league to be completely honest. I don't deserve him, but I'm glad he's here.

I let out a sigh and let my eyes close. Small droplets of water are falling from the tips of my hair onto my nose in complete silence. There's the soothing sound of water splashing against our skin whenever either of us move an inch, but nothing more than that. More than half the building is asleep by now and we'll both be joining them soon. Night time brings silence, leaving nothing but the subtle noises in the bathroom and Levi's breath against my ear.

“I love you, Eren.”

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many chapters T_T so little time. *But I always have time to draw my babies*
> 
> http://troysredglasses.tumblr.com/post/132850287248/this-is-for-anatomy-practice-i-swear
> 
> http://troysredglasses.tumblr.com/post/134019624398/i-ship-them-a-little-too-hard

 

 

By the time September rolled around, a few things had changed. It was nothing drastic or life altering, but still new none the less.

Levi went back to his usual routine of College while I continued to work. It was hard at first, but we still wake up at the same time when he has early classes and he even offers to drive me to work and pick me up everyday. Erwin also resumed school and opted to work in the evenings like some hardcore student. Levi chose to only work weekends so he could have some spare time after class to deal with assignments. I have no clue how those two manage to jumble around that car, but they make it work.

I got to know a few more of the guys at work too- and I say 'guys' because Petra is the only girl who works in the back. Auruo also became a little nicer as time went on and it's starting to pay off. Petra is starting to hang around him a lot more and seeing them together makes my day. He's learning that being an obnoxious asshole isn't the way to go.

It's becoming a regular thing to all take our breaks together and get breakfast in the morning. There's a small diner down the road from the store, so we even go for lunch whenever we're all working together. I know I shouldn't be spending my money on such stupid things, but I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to spend time with people who consider me to be their friend. It's a nice feeling to know they're inviting me to go because they want me to.

Levi is always there to pick me up at the same time every afternoon. My shifts don't change much which is helping me adjust my internal clock. Sleeping isn't becoming something I hate doing. I've had a couple more nightmares since my last one fucked me up pretty bad, but nothing as comparable. They were enough for me to shake Levi's shoulder to wake him up in the middle of the night and he didn't hesitate to hold me until I fell back asleep.

It wasn't until later in the month that Erwin found out we were officially dating. I suppose neither of us told him, so we're to blame for his lack of information. He said he had a hunch we were together, but wasn't 100% certain. It wouldn't be too hard to piece it together when I'm in Levi's room twenty four hours a day and all the small looks he gives me when we're sitting across from each other at the island.

Everything followed a regular routine all the way through until October. What little trees there are in the city have bright leaves and I can't help but gawk at them on the drive home from work. Soon those beautiful colours will be gone and the branches will be stripped bare. Fall has always been my favourite season and that makes it all the more sad when it ends.

Nothing out of the blue happened until the end of the month. I was sitting on Levi's lap on the bed when Erwin came in and gave us his usual cheeky grin. Levi had his chin resting on my shoulder, peeking down to watch me play my DS. I hadn't picked the thing up in forever and I figured I should blow the dust off and hone my skills again- though I'm not sure how much skill playing Tetris takes, but oh well.

“You two doing anything tomorrow?”

I glance up from the screen as I'm sure Levi is doing behind me with an eyebrow raised. I pause the game for a moment to give Erwin my full attention and I feel Levi shrug.

“Tomorrow is Halloween, right?”

“It is?”

I don't know how Levi could possibly forget. It's a whole day of dressing up in weird outfits and pigging out on boxes of candy. I say you're never too old to go out trick or treating, but once you have your own money, why go out when you can buy a mountain of chocolate for yourself? Which is exactly what I was planning to do, but it sounds like Erwin has another idea.

“Yes. So, what are you doing tomorrow night?”

“Besides cleaning this dump... nothing.”

“I have a proposition then.”

“It better not suck.”

“Halloween party.”

I instantly perk up with a squeak, nearly dropping my DS onto the bed. I'm not one for parties, but I surely don't mind making myself look crazy in a costume. This also means another shopping trip and I'm not going to pass up that chance.

“You're serious?”

“Nile's parents are letting him use their cottage for the weekend. He's been inviting every person he knows. I figured it wouldn't hurt to add a few more to the list.”

I can physically feel Levi rolling his eyes, but I turn around before he can shoot it down. I pull off my best doe eyes and he deflates under me. Looks like I still have my charm. Then again, as long as I want to do something, Levi isn't too far behind.

“Fine. But I'm not staying there all night.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I don't know what I was thinking letting Levi buy my costume for me. It only seemed fair since I suckered him into going. I should have known he would pick the tiniest thing he could find. He was searching the in the woman's section the whole time we were in the store and it must have seemed odd for anyone else. He would pull an outfit off the rack to study it and I would blush every single time at the thought of wearing something so revealing.

In the end, he settled for a [soccer](http://i01.i.aliimg.com/wsphoto/v2/1830014075_1/Free-shipping-5-Pcs-Football-Baby-font-b-Cheerleader-b-font-Car-Modle-Suit-Uniform-Costume.jpg) outfit that I (for some reason) agreed to. The only reason I said yes was because I wanted us to match. If I can get Levi into a jersey, then I'm all in. It's not something scary, I know. But when have teenager's Halloween costumes ever been scary? Halloween is a perfect excuse to wear whatever you want and get away with it.

Now here I am in Levi's bedroom pulling up the giant green socks so they don't fall past my knees. Unlike me, Levi's jersey covers his full upper body, but I know he planned it like that. I opted for a long sleeve for obvious reasons, and my shorts are way smaller too, but this is better than agreeing to the cheer leading outfit he wanted me to get instead. I wouldn't mind wearing that sort of thing for Levi only, but not when we're going to be in a house full of people I don't know.

Levi is taking his sweet time getting ready in the bathroom. Only someone like him would need to take a shower for the second time today before getting dressed. I'm not trying to impress anyone, so I threw myself together in a few minutes. I even added my last name to the jersey in white paint for authenticity. I give myself credit for trying.

With each second Levi spends in the shower, I'm left to think about the party. I don't know who Nile is or who he hangs out with- besides Erwin. I'm starting to get a little nervous trying to picture myself situated in a giant group of people. I haven't been to a part in awhile and there's a reason for that. I went to a couple with Jean's friends, but at least I knew everyone. There were always drinking games and it would always end with some comedy movie that would be ten times more hilarious to everyone who was drunk. Which wasn't me.

I don't drink at parties. It's dumb, I know. That's the whole reason people go to parties in the first place. It's not that I hate alcohol. I don't mind the taste at all, but I don't trust other people with it.

Every time Jean wanted me to go out with him to a party, I would turn him down. I figured going a couple times would be enough to satisfy him. I was stepping out of my comfort zone each time so he could enjoy his night, but he wanted it to be a regular thing. Eventually I started telling him I get uncomfortable in large crowds. That was only to hide the truth.

I mentioned before that my first party had been when I was fourteen. I'd lost most of my friends by the and figured going out would help me a little. All the popular kids were doing it and I didn't see how it could hurt. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I was looking forward to going out with Levi tonight. I shouldn't be so afraid. He'll be with me the whole time, but that doesn't mean anything. How many people are going to be there? Dozens? Hundreds? It'll be so easy to get separated. Why didn't I think of this before? This is a stupid idea. I was caught up in wanted to put on a weird outfit that I forgot about why I hate parties in the first place.

_“It'll feel good.”_

I hate it. I don't want to go. I take it back.

I'll tell Levi I don't like crowds. That's always worked. But it won't make any sense. You'd think that would have come up sooner, like when we where shopping for the damn costumes.

I start to tug at my shirt, pulling it lower while my other hand tried to muffle the small choking noises I'm making. Will my outfit make it worse? Didn't those guys say that I'm asking for it? Wearing this in the group of people is an invitation for that kind of thing, right? Then again, I was wearing a t-shirt and pants the last time. So, was I asking for it then too?

_“Struggling won't get you anywhere.”_

The first sob comes up my throat when Levi walks into the room. He has horrible timing and I'm learning that the hard way. All I have to do is tell him I get anxious, or that I don't feel well. It shouldn't be too hard to open my mouth and let another lie slip out. I've been doing that for my whole life.

There's the soft click of the door closing behind him and I glance up for a short second to see Levi giving me this look that's so concerning that it hurts. I avert my eyes as fast as possible once the waterworks start. Just one lie. I can tell him something less concerning than the truth. I've never told anyone. I never told my father, my sister, Jean. No one knows. Levi is just another person I can add to that list.

“Eren, what's wrong?”

How many times has Levi said that since we've known each other? Every other day there seems to be something wrong with me. I'm always the one crying.

I can't get them out of my head. This has never been an issue before. I've never had to worry about being around a bunch of people I don't know. Now they're all I can hear. I remember their voices. How can I not? I figured I could get over it and move on. I was able to forget them for this whole time and now something as simple as a group get together is freaking me out.

“I don't want to go, Levi.”

“You don't?”

I shake my head like a two year old, pushing my shirt lower, stretching the neckline past my collarbone in a sad attempt to cover myself. I should start wearing sweaters more often.

“I thought you were excited to go.”

I thought I was too. This is what happens when I'm left alone. My mind is a dangerous place. It's time bomb and I don't know when it's going off. Looks like I can't keep it together for more than a couple months. How annoying is that?

“I don't want to go, Levi. P-please don't make me go.”

The bed sinks in beside me and I shake like a leaf until I feel a blanket draped over my shoulders. Levi holds me because that's all he can do. He doesn't know the thoughts slamming against the side of my head or the voices echoing back to me over and over again.

After all this time, I've never thought about why I was targeted. There were so many other people, yet I was the one they chose. Maybe it was that small shred of pride I had. No part of me would ever tell anyone. It was bad enough that I'd snuck out of the house that night let alone having everyone think I was disgusting for being someone's toy for a whole night.

A soft knock comes from the other side of the door before Erwin peaks his head in. We were all supposed to match so he's dressed in his uniform too, I know that even if I can't see him. I've buried my eyes in Levi's chest to black out my vision from the world around me.

“You guys almost ready?”

I'd rather not be alone on Halloween night, but that's what I get for being a bitch. I should be able to enjoy parties like everyone else my age, but there's a giant road block I can't get around. Levi can't be with me 24/7 and my brain won't let me forget it. We could get separated, or he could go off with Erwin and I would be left alone for anyone to drag upstairs.

“I don't think we're going.”

We?

“Why not?”

The disappointment in Erwin's voice hits me like a rock. He was more excited than I was to go to this thing and I've ruined it for him. This is why I don't have friends. It's impossible for me to maintain any relationship when my mood changes on a dime. They get fed up.

“Eren's... not feeling well.”

That's all he can say with the information I'm giving him, which is little to nothing.

“Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.”

Just leave. Stop making me feel guilty about this. It's not like it's on purpose, but Erwin is a nice guy and I know it's my fault he sounds so upset. I'm going to stay rooted to the bed, even if I know going to the party will make him happier. My sanity comes before anything else.

“You go on with out us. I'm sure Nile is waiting for you.”

“Alright... I should be back tomorrow.”

“Erwin...”

There's a small pause and the arm Levi has around me suddenly tightens, his fingers grabbing a small part of the blanket like I do a lot of the time when I get anxious.

“Be safe, alright?”

There's something in Levi's voice that I don't quite comprehend. This is the first time I've ever heard him sound so caring towards his friend. Normally it's small insults or back talking until either of them start to crack a smile, but now he sounds odd. Worried.

“I will.”

It isn't too long after that the door clicks shut again along with the apartment door closing behind him. My eyes peek out from Levi's shirt to glance at the clock. It's 9pm already and the sky is completely black. It's quite eerie that the moon looks full but no stars, not that there are many to begin with in the city.

I push away from Levi, my hands pressing against his chest with my head down to hide the few tear that have managed to slip out. I've worried him enough already, I don't need him being more concerned with me crying again. I'd rather not have him questioning my thought process over the past few minutes.

“You should have gone...”

“I'm not leaving you here alone.”

“B-but he wanted you to go.”

“It's not like I can't go to another one.”

True. But I won't be going to that one either, and something tells me Levi won't ever be leaving me alone. I'm holding him back from everything. I don't understand why he wants to chain himself down and be stuck with someone like me. He deserves to go out and have fun, not be stuck here inside with nothing to do. If he knew why I didn't want to go, he'd probably leave me here.

What would happen if I told him? What if he knew everything and how disgusting I really am? How I couldn't do anything but cry and let the pain tear through my body. Would he look at me different? That's really all I'm afraid of. Jean looked at me weird the first time we had sex because I was acting like a kicked puppy. I told him I was scared that it would hurt. I told him I was a virgin. And he believed me.

My hand curls slowly into fists, grabbing Levi's shirt with my eyes focused on my second hand supporting myself on the small amount of space between us. Levi's fingers are on my chin, trying to tilt it up to get me to look at him, but I refuse. This whole night has been a disaster and I'm going to make it worse.

“L-Levi... you... you love me... right?”

The first tear hits the bed, turning the white sheets a dull shade of gray with the small circular drop. There's another sliding off my nose that will soon join the first. I wouldn't be overly shocked if Levi has notice it already. He's like a damn hawk with that sort of thing.

“Of course I do.”

“A-and... you'll love me no matter what, right?”

I'm doing it again. I'm questioning him. It's the same as before. I was about to show him my body as a whole and I questioned him. Now here I am about to reveal something else and I'm panicking.

Common sense is telling me to forget it, that's it's not worth the risk of putting my mind into a state of pure self-loathing. But it's only fair, right? Levi told me about his life, told me something that meant so much that he'd kept to himself. I should be doing the same. He deserves to know. It's not fair to him. It wasn't fair to Jean either, but at least Levi has proved to me last time that he won't hate me.

“No matter what.”

“Y-you promise?”

“I promise.”

He knows I want to tell him something. It's clear in his voice that he's waiting for me to explain. I bet he's been dying to ask me why I bailed tonight, and I'm doing him a favor before he can open his mouth. This is a first.

A relationship is about communication. He can't help me if he doesn't know what's wrong. Sure, he can continue to hold me, but other than that he can't do anything unless I tell him why I'm suddenly having a breakdown.

But when it comes down to it, where do I start? How does someone bring up the fact their virginity was taking away against their will? There's no casual way of dropping a bomb like that. Sure, it was a long time ago, but that changes nothing. At one point in my life I was nothing more than a fuck toy and that's putting it lightly. I was literally a doll. My fighting left soon after the drug kicked in.

“S-something happened when I was younger...and... I never told anyone.”

We have that in common. Perhaps his reasons for keeping secrets are completely different from mine, but we kept silent non the less. Levi isn't the kind of guy to show emotions easily and I have a feeling that's a big part of it. Me, on the other hand, I'm afraid of what others think.

“I want to tell you... but... I'm scared.”

“Take your time, Eren.”

I wish I could take all the time in the world, but postponing this won't make it any easier.

“I was... at a party... and I... got to know an older guy pretty well. We... started talking and he was really nice”

I was naive. Well, more like stupid. I was oblivious to everything going on around me and really wanted to believe a senior found me interesting.

“He offered to get me a drink... and I accepted.”

Another stupid move.

“W-we kept talking for a bit... and... then I started to feel weird. I... couldn't stand and everything was blurry. I thought it was just the alcohol...”

I tried to convince myself of that at first. I'd never had alcohol before, but there was no way it could take affect so quickly. I still have no idea what it was that he put in my drink. I was fully conscious but I was weak as a baby. It's like my bones didn't exist. My body reacted to everything on it's own and all I could do was try to form words and try to stop him from touching me. I wanted to go home.

“T-then he got his friend... and they... they took me upstairs-”

I interrupt myself to press a hand against my mouth before any noise can follow after the tears start. I remember everything. I don't know their names, but I won't forget their faces. I'd pushed everything to the back of my mind until now. It's amazing what can resurface when you give it enough time.

I remember being scared, wondering if anyone would stumble into the room. There were so many people that I find it hard to believe no one thought of using the bedroom for some explicit purpose. There wasn't so much as a knock. I wanted someone to help me and I didn't care who it was.

“I told them to stop, Levi.”

It was stupid of me to think a couple choice words would be enough for them to stop. His friend was drunk, high, completely out of his minds on whatever the hell drugs people had brought to the house and he didn't care at all what he did. They were desperate and wanted the easiest way to release. They were rough, their hands grabbing at me like they were dying, fingers pressing into my flesh so hard that it left marks, and that was far from the worst part.

I'm now using both hands to cover my face, hiding how swollen my eyes are already in complete shadows. They're also doing a decent job at stopping the tears from falling onto the bed. Levi's hand is pressed against the side of my face, his thumb brushing against my temple where a headache is starting to throb.

“I-I wanted them to stop...”

It hurt. More than any physical pain I'd ever felt before. I was split open from the inside and it burned. The only thing that could have made it worse was if they hadn't used lube. Either way, I bled. I stained the sheets and whatever clothes I threw on after I was coherent enough to move. Both of them were long gone before my mind was back to normal. They took what they wanted and left me alone.

“I was... I was still a virgin and they just-”

“Eren.”

I can't face him. I'll keep my face hidden for as long as I need to. I'm ashamed of myself. Mainly for letting them take advantage of me, but also for not saying anything. Would it really have made any difference? If I went to the cops, there's two of them and one of me. Who are they more likely to believe?

“I should have told you sooner... I-I'm sorry I ruined everything.”

This was supposed to be a fun night off together, and now Erwin is off with his friends while Levi is stuck here with me and my stupid emotions.

There's a soft pressure on the top of my head and I pull my hands away from my face for a shirt moment to find Levi leaning against me, his lips pressed to to my hair and his thumb remaining against my temple, circling gently to try and sooth the pounding ache in my head. I have no clue if Levi knows how much that small touch is helping.

“Does it make me disgusting? Am I gross to you now?”

He might see me as a different person. I was nothing more than an innocent kid and now the cat is out of the bag. I'm not the pure little angel he thought I was. I was tainted the moment I stepped into that house. They took what they wanted, and I let them.

“No, it doesn't. I still love you and that won't change.”

“Really?”

“I promised you, didn't I?”

The tips of his fingers return to my chin, and this time, I let him guide me. He can see my face clearly now that it's not hidden beneath my hair in darkness. He wipes away a few tears and places a soft kiss on my lips. His are smooth compared to my dry, cracked skin.

“It doesn't bother you... what they did?”

“What bothers me is that I can't hunt them down and run them over with my damn car.”

I snort quietly, managing to smile ever so slightly through my tears. Levi has the ability to get my heart fluttering at the weirdest times. If he could get away with murder, I have a feeling Levi would jump in his car within seconds if I could remember their names.

“I love you for who you are now, regardless of anything that's happened. The past means nothing.”

If I could have that same mindset, I would be golden. Moving forward is easier said than done, but I'll admit, telling Levi isn't something I'm regretting. Even if he told me I was disgusting, at least he would have known the truth. For me, that's a big step. There were no lies, no filter, everything was laid out in the open.

“So... you... still love me?”

“I do.”

He deserves more than me. He could do so much better. I've never known someone like him and out of everyone, I'm the one he chose. How is he happy being with me? I'd say his life has taken a worse turn now that we're dating.

“Why... why are you with me, Levi?”

I'm sure he knows what I'm getting at.

“You could have anyone... you're smart, and attractive, and nice... so... why am I here?”

“You're here because I don't love anyone else.”

“There's nothing to love about me.”

“I love everything about you, even the small things.”

“Small things?”

“Like how you hum to yourself when you're cooking, or how your hair goes curly when it's wet.”

I hum? I suppose the idea isn't too far-fetched. My mother used to sing while she cooked, especially when it got close to Christmas. She had her favourites when it came to seasonal songs and I would hear them all the time. Looks like she rubbed off on me.

I blush and open my mouth a little before stopping myself from saying what I want. It's such an odd thing to bring up at a time like this. It was bad enough that I had no idea how to ask for him to touch me, and now I want something more. I shouldn't though. I've just finished having a melt down about my first time having sex and here I am trying to initiate it. Levi said that whole thing doesn't matter, so will he want to?

There's this spread of warmth running over my body knowing he still loves me after everything I told him. I can't help but want to be closer with him and feel beautiful knowing I'm the only one he cares about.

Every part of me wants this. To be honest, I've thought about it for awhile now, but never knew how to bring it up. I've been cleaning myself every night just in case one of our intimate moments escalate into something more.

I manage to push myself forward, crawling onto his lap and initiating the first passionate kiss. Our lips stay together for a few moments until I part mine slightly and let him slide his tongue inside. My arms wrap around his neck to stop myself from falling backwards. My legs are straddling his like I've done so many times before, but this time I don't feel bad about it.

“Levi...”

I break the kiss to bring my eyes to meet his. That deep blue has returned that I haven't seen in so long. It might be the lighting, but I enjoy it either way.

“Can you... make love to me?”

There's a difference. I don't want generic sex. I don't want anything to be rushed or desperate. I want to feel close to him, have him hold me instead of use me, to feel our bodies pressed against each other and have nothing else around us matter at all.

He doesn't need to answer. The kiss he gives me tells me everything. It's deep, but soft at the same time. It's everything I've ever wanted it to be. I'm ready to feel his hands on my skin, his lips against my neck, I want this so bad.

I want to be his.

 


	35. Chapter 35

There's a torrent of emotions swirling in my stomach. For one, I'm nervous about this. I want Levi to make love to me, but I don't want to be reminded of what I'd been picturing only a few moments before. Those two guys are still in the back of my brain, using and abusing me in every way possible. Levi is nothing like them, but that can't stop the knot in my gut.

It's been months now since the last time I had sex. I'm afraid I'll start acting like a virgin and have no idea what I'm doing. Levi has a tendency to do that to me. I'm nearly forgetting how to kiss as our tongues brush together, my nails slowly digging into his back through the jersey he threw on before coming in here. At least I got my wish and saw him in a partial soccer uniform.

He breaks the kiss to tug lightly at the bottom of my shirt, his fingertips grazing my stomach causing me to shiver. I know what he's doing. He doesn't want to start pulling off my clothes unless I tell him I'm okay with it. It's obvious I'm sensitive about that sort of thing, and I appreciate him waiting for me.

The response I give is a small hum, lifting my arms over my head to allow him to pull off the shirt. He does it slowly, sliding his palms across my sides until the hem pulls over my head and I'm left bare from the waist up. Completely bare.

The last cut I made was over a month ago and I felt no need to keep my bandages on. Today was no exception. I had a long sleeve on and that was good enough to keep my arms hidden. I never thought about it until now. Levi loves me even with my scars, so it's not as nerve wracking for him to see me like this. He does look a little shocked when he notices I'm not covering up using the usual white gauze.

“Do you want to-”

I make a small noise, shaking my head before he can continue the rest of his question.

“No... I... I want you to see everything. I don't want to hide anymore.”

The smile he makes is the best reward I could have ever hope for. He isn't one for facial expressions, but his features always seem to soften whenever he's around me. I've seen him smile more than anyone and I love being that special person. Now that I'm making him smile again sends a wave of warmth over my whole being. He's relieved, I know he is. It was obvious I was hurting him emotionally whenever he found me hurting myself or crying, I refuse to do that to him anymore.

“I'm so proud of you, Eren.”

I blush lightly, wrapping my arms around his neck, leaning in a little closer until out lips are inches away. Hearing him say things like that is making my heart swell up in my chest. I want him to praise me, I need to hear how much my trying has paid off. I've pushed myself away from the thought of cutting so many times because of Levi. I'm doing this for him, and for myself.

There's no hesitation when he kisses me again, his hands free to roam every inch of my chest, my stomach, and my arms. There's nothing covered. That first shower together changed so much between us. I learned how much he loved me, what he thought of my body despite how gruesome I believe it to be. It was the first time he saw me for who I am, and he stayed.

My fingers find the bottom of his jersey and I tug lightly as he did for me. Levi isn't ashamed of his body and he has no reason to be. I catch myself staring more than I should whenever he's getting dressed, or if I catch him getting out of the shower to grab a drink with nothing on but a towel around his waist. I'm too shy to start going up and touching him, even if we are dating.

He helps me pull off his shirt, tossing it onto the bed with mine and pulling me close to have our skin pressed together. He's so warm it's insane. There's nothing stopping me from feeling him. He's flawless.

I lift my hips a little, straddling him with my knees on the bed, my fingers combing through his silky jet black locks. They're still a little wet from his previous shower, making them stick up at times when I pull them a certain direction. Bed head also suits him- way better than it does me.

His firm hands are place on the small of my back, tugging me forward until he's kissing along my chest, lightly brushing past my nipples to get me whining through sealed lips. I start to tug playfully on his hair, pushing it all to one side that he clearly doesn't give two shits about.

That warm feeling returns to my chest as he finally takes one of my pink buds into his mouth, teasing it with his tongue while I arch against him. I'm not so worried about being loud, but I don't want to sound obnoxious. Quiet moans are starting to make their way up my throat with each soft suckle Levi gives to my chest. I abandon his hair in favor of supporting myself on his shoulders again, returning to clawing at his porcelain skin.

There's a soft pressure against the front of my shorts only to find Levi palming me through what small amount of fabric is there. My legs are starting to shake from having to support myself while he sends waves of pleasure through every inch of my body. My hips are starting to move on their own, grinding against his hand to make it feel even better.

When Levi's mouth leaves my nipple I'm left panting softly, my cheeks flushed and skin ten degrees hotter than it was when we first started. I get excited a little too easily. My hardened member is now pressing against the front of my shorts in a small bulge thanks to him.

“Can you lay down for me, Eren?”

I nod slowly and do as I'm told, shifting off of his lap back onto the bed. I can't help but notice he's also hard beneath his shorts. Did touching me really get him that worked up? I'm bound to be blushing even more after noticing that small detail. I would be lying if I said my affection for him didn't grow at all in that moment.

The room is silent when I finally lay back against the mattress. My head is being supported by a pillow and it feels like I'm about to go to sleep- if it weren't for the half naked aspect of it. I pull my legs up and spread them slightly when I notice Levi moving closer to me. I'm mesmerized by his body. How he shifts like water and how each muscle looks like it was carved perfectly for that task. He crawls over me until our lips are millimeters apart, sharing breaths while he looks down at me with those darkened eyes.

He claims my lips, kissing so deeply that I feel like I'm melting. Our tongues twist together, my hands on his arms, grabbing him so he won't pull away to leave me empty. Our chests are brushing against one another, our skin sticking together each time he shifts.

Our kiss ends after a moment when Levi leans across the bed to open the side table, pulling out a few things I don't recognize until they're right in front of my face. I should have guessed it would be lube and condoms. I've never seen them in that drawer before and it's funny to think he's had those in there this whole time. It doesn't hurt to be prepared.

He places them on the bed beside him, returning to me to he can kiss his way back down again. He starts from my lips and slowly moves to my jaw line, neck, collarbone, chest, and all the way down my stomach before reaching the noticeable bulge in the tiny white shorts. I whimper softly when he starts to palm me again, watching my face for the reactions I give him that he enjoys way too much.

The teasing doesn't last too long before he pulls my shorts and underwear down my legs. I instinctively close them, lifting my feet so he can slide the fabric off to join the other heaps of clothing that were knocked onto the ground. My long socks are the next to go, his fingers rolling them down my legs, his lips kissing what skin he uncovers with every second, starting from my knees down to my toes.

My eyes are focused on nothing but him. I can see him clearly now, unlike the last time he touched me where there was hardly any light at all. Some people prefer it like that, but I don't enjoy being groped in a dark room where I can't see the face of the person I'm with. The room was dark back then too, and I don't want to be reminded of that. Having a light on makes it more real.

Levi parts my legs slightly, trailing his fingertips down the insides of my thighs before grabbing the lube off the bed. I watch him carefully as the cap pops and he squeezes a large amount onto his fingers. More is always better in this situation. At least he's assuming I haven't had sex in awhile instead of doing a shoddy job at prepping me- because his assumption is right.

I can't see what he's doing, but the moment the cold lube presses to my entrance, I jolt. He enters with one finger, pushing inside slowly until he's down to his knuckle. It's odd to feel something inside you when it's been so long. His fingers are rubbing against my walls, spreading the lube around every area he can reach. He pulls out to add more onto his fingers, adding another to push inside to stretch me even more.

My eyes clench shut at times, trying to block out that dull ache in my backside. It doesn't hurt, it's just weird. He's watching me again, waiting for me to give him an indication of what I'm feeling. Waiting for any sign that I'm in pain or if he finds something I enjoy.

His fingers start to scissor me open a little more, stretching the small ring further. He pulls out another time, adding more lube and adding three fingers. I cry out softly, biting down on my lip to get through this. Being stretched is the hardest part. If only I stayed that way so I wouldn't have to go through this process each time. It's not like I'm a girl and self lubricate, although that would be insanely handy.

My legs are starting to shake harder now. I wish I had Levi close to me so I could hold him. Instead, I'm left to grab at the sheets which are a terrible substitute. My head tilts to the side where I notice Levi shifting a little lower, supporting himself on his elbow as he starts to lick softly at my shaft up to my leaking tip. He's giving me some form of pleasure to block out what's happening a little lower. My mind is confused, but my body is reacting to everything he does. My tip is taken into his mouth and I moan louder, arching my hips like I did the first time I felt his mouth on me.

His fingers are inserted all the way to the knuckle, thrusting in and out slowly while my body adjusts to the foreign sensation. They're sliding inside me with ease thanks to the generous amount of lube he's spread around. He releases my tip with a soft pop along with his fingers which pull out to leave my insides empty.

My eyes follow him when he reaches for the condoms, but I grab his wrist before he can touch them. I meet his eyes with another blush.

“I don't want you to wear one.”

It sounds odd, I know. But I want him the way he is. I've also heard it feels better that way, and he deserves that after doing so much for me. I also have another reason which is a little selfish. I've never been claimed. I have never let anyone cum inside me in order to keep what small amount of innocence I have. Every part of me wants that special person to be Levi. Having him do that will make me his.

“Are you sure?”

I nod slowly with a reassuring smile. It's genuine. As long has he knows I'm okay with it, then he will. This isn't a spur of the moment thing. It's been on my mind for awhile.

Levi kisses me again, his hands working to undo the tie of his shorts, pulling them down along with his boxers. When he's completely bare, he returns to me, leaning over to initiate another kiss, his member brushing against mine, his skin hot and I can feel small beads of his precum dripping onto my tip. I can't help but shutter with a small moan, his mouth muffling most of my sounds. I'm no so concerned about being loud this time. Erwin is out of the apartment and there's no one here but us.

I'm left in a trance when he pulls away to lick and tease my nipples again, having me arch into his mouth as a silent demand for more. All I can do is grab at his hair again, threading it through my fingers, tugging hard every time his teeth graze against the perked bud. I'm hard enough as it is without him teasing the hell out of me.

There's no doubt that my eyes are a little glazed over, my mind out in left field and my body in utter heaven. I whimper quietly when I feel his tip press against my entrance. All I want is for him to hurry up already.

He finally pulls himself away from my chest, grabbing one of the pillows above me to place under my hips. I arch for him to let the pillow slide underneath me, taking the opportunity to glance down at the sight between my legs. Levi is big, there's no doubt about that. The thought of him entering me makes my face heat up in a blush that will be impossible to hide.

There's no where for me to look when Levi situates himself over me once again, his hands placed on either side of my head, his hair falling over his face as he looks down at me with those beautiful eyes. He's pressed himself against my tight ring, pushing in slowly, moving his hips forward until I start to stretch to match his size.

“Let me know if you want to stop.”

There's no way I'm turning back now. I don't care how much it hurts, I want Levi to make me his. We have no where to be, so we can take our time.

I'd like to say this is all pleasure, but the ache is still there. It's so odd to feel something inside me again, stretching me larger than I'm used to. Thank god Levi wasn't cheap with the lube. He must have put some on himself too judging by how well he's sliding in. It's a lewd thought that I can't get out of my brain.

My legs spread wider for him, my hands clutching onto his shoulders until he pulls them away to lace our fingers together, holding them down beside my head. I squeeze them firmly with every inch he pushes inside until I feel his hips touch the plump skin of my cheeks. I shutter out a breath knowing he's entered me completely.

“Are you okay?”

It must be painfully tight for him. He's more worried about me than the fact I'm nearly chopping his dick off. I'm starting to rut against him, trying to get used to having this foreign feeling deep inside me. My eyes are lidded, but I can see Levi's face. His brow is furrowed most likely from having me tighten around him whenever I move. This is new for both of us.

“Y-you can move. I'm alright.”

The small throb is slowly dying out in my lower back while I focus on the man over top of me. I can look past it. As long as I'm with him, I'll be okay.

Our lips join as he starts to pull out, slowly rolling his hips, shifting his member all while trying to maintain a messy kiss. I can't say much either. My mind is focused on my lower half and not on what my mouth is doing. It feels good and that's all that matters.

Our kiss doesn't break when Lei moves, leaning down to rest his forearms beside my head, our laced hands brought up, and stretch over my head. I'm vulnerable to him and I don't care. He's closer now. The distance between us can barely be measured. Our chests are flush against each other, him shifting at times whenever his hips move to thrust back inside of me.

His thrusts are shallow, angling himself to try and find that small bundle of nerves that will get me panting and moaning as if I'm dying. I cry out into the kiss when his tip hits my sweet spot, my whole body jolting to the surge of pleasure wracking my insides. Once he knows my weakness, he can do whatever he wants.

This moments isn't solely to get off. This is about us sharing something together, holding each other, being close in a way no one else can come close to. I belong to no one else. I am his just as much as he is mine.

The slow rolling of his hips increases over time. That spring has started to tighten in the pit of my stomach with each time Levi enters me. He rewards me whenever I make a moan, hitting my sweet spot until I whine and pant for more. I start to tug lightly at his grip on my hands, tilting my head to the side with sharp gasps each time I hear the sound of his hips hitting my backside. That beautiful sounds of skin on skin.

There's too much movement to keep up any sort of kiss, and there's no way our mouths could stay together with how much we're both panting. Levi isn't as bad as me when it comes to noises. He's almost silent- letting out small grunts every now and then. He moans softly at times and I return them- knowing I'm the one to make him feel this good.

The spring is threatening to snap. Each movement results in an assault on my prostate, Levi's tip hitting it hard over and over again to the point where I can barely breathe. Each breath is now a loud cry or pure pleasure, my legs shaking and my body weak and left to beg as I start to move with each motion Levi makes. My hips bucking at the same time as his despite how fast he's now moving. He must be feeling it too.

I bite down on my lip, holding back my climax until I know we can share it together. Our hands are knotted together, but I still manage to pull mine out to wrap my arms around his neck, his forehead pressed against mine as we share each desperate breath. He still tries to kiss me, but it's nothing more than small pecks so he can go back to panting like a dog.

“G-gonna... c-cum.”

It's getting harder to hold it in. My insides are being in a state of pure bliss while I cry out and cling to the man I love. It's hard to say anything, but I manage to get those two words out so he knows I'm about to break.

My legs wrap around his waist with what strength I have, keeping him close and to tell him I'm perfectly fine with him cuming inside me. That's what I want.

Levi lets himself go, his lips parting in a silent cry of pleasure and the moment I feel his seed, I'm put over the edge. My final cry is more like a scream as I have the hardest orgasm I've ever experienced. White pricks my vision as my eyes screw shut, my whole body arching at once with my nails digging into Levi's back. He continues to hit my prostate to help me ride out my high as well as his own until I'm left completely exhausted, barely holding onto his neck for dear life.

My mind is in the clouds, fuzzy and incoherent to anything around me. My breath is also returning a little easier now and my legs have stopped shaking in favor of being overwhelmed by a wave of pure bliss. I am now closer to him than anyone has ever been, and that in itself says a lot.

Gentle kisses litter my cheeks and I manage to crack an eye open to watch Levi pepper my sweaty skin. We're both hot and sticking to each other, not to mention my cum is spread out across my stomach which I'll need to clean at some point. I'm way too tired right now.

“I love you so much, Eren.”

“I-I love you too, Levi.”

Personally, I wish I could have lasted a little longer, but it's been so long since I've felt that good. Each passing second was pure heaven while taking in the scent of the one I love. Everyone says that sex has a certain smell, and maybe they're right, but as of now all I can smell is the sweet scent of the cologne Levi puts on in the morning, and the intoxicating aroma of his shampoo. I love both.

We stay tangled together, sharing breaths and the calming silence of the room as our heart rates settle down to a normal pace. Levi is the first to move, the only reason being to pull out. There's a whimper that falls from my lips when he does, his seed leaking out of my body sending chills down my spine. It's feels so wrong, but I'm enjoying it a little too much.

Half the battle is trying to keep my eyes open. I was hoping the two of us could stay up a little later seeing as it is Halloween and all, but I doubt I could last another half hour.

Levi doesn't move far from between my legs. He keeps himself over me, reaching back to the side table to grab a few tissues from the plainly decorated box. It's not over shocking that he doesn't want a tacky Kleenex box in his room. Solid colours match his personality a little better.

His hands work gingerly as he cleans the mess off of my stomach, wiping down my skin which ends with a small kiss above my navel. He spreads my legs a little more and presses the tissues to my entrance where I squeak like a startled bunny. The heat I know all too well returns to my face and I turn my head away out of pure embarrassment.

Ever since our feelings have been out in the open, Levi has been so gentle. I could literally lay around all day and do nothing and he would wait on my hand and foot. He does everything for me, and apparently that includes cleaning my ass after sex. His heart is in the right place, but I don't think he realizes how odd that is for me. I blush enough as it is.

I shuffle back a little, sitting up only to have the lewd feeling of fluid leaking out of me. This was my own stupid idea. I was the one who told him not to wear a condom.

“S-sorry. I'll change the sheets.”

“I'll take care of it. You get your cute little butt in the shower.”

My pouting seems to do nothing, if anything, I say Levi enjoys it. My pouting battles always end with him kissing me until I start to laugh and push him away. Is it because he doesn't want to see me upset? I know my pouting isn't to be taken seriously, but I still can't help but wonder why he prevents me from doing it.

I shuffle of the the bed as carefully as I can, trying not to look like it's my first day on legs. When I swing my legs over the edge, I hesitate a little, turning to peek over my shoulder back at Levi who's attempting to fix his hair out of his eyes.

“Are you gonna shower with me?”

“Do you want me to?”

I smile lightly with a nod, trying to cover the red of my cheeks with my shoulder. It doesn't work so well. I don't want to be far away from him. Even if it's something as simple as a shower, I need to have him close. This might be my inner clinginess talking after we've just had sex, but I'm craving to be near him like some kind of drug.

“I'll be there in a minute.”

I hop up with the smile plastered on my face, scurrying into the bathroom just outside of the door. Small moments like this mean everything to me. I will have the rest of the night to look forward to. I have all the time in the world to be together with him. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays to everyone! *gives you late chapter as a present*

As much as I enjoy Fall, I don't like the cold weather. It would be so much nicer if I could stay wrapped up in bed on days like today. The gross rain and harsh winds are the downside of seeing all the leaves changing colours. I'm sure it would be even more enjoyable if I didn't live in the city and could see all the different shades of orange and red in the country like when I was little.

I've finished yet another day at work, and have parked myself on the small bench off to the side of the store to wait for Levi. He still picks me up everyday after he's done class so I don't have to take the bus home alone. It's so much better to be in a warm car with him instead of cramped on a tiny seat in rush hour crowds.

I send him a text to let him know I'm outside waiting and return to watching others enter and leave the store. Most of them are mothers with a handful of children running behind them. It must be a pain in the ass to try and shop while having a bunch of kids to look after. I have no clue how they do it. Parenthood must be a bitch.

I have to pull my coat closer to my body to keep in what small amount of heat I can. I should have brought a scarf or mittens, but that's my own fault. I don't dress for the weather at all. Maybe one of these days I'll learn. Instead I'm left to watch my frosted breath dance around in the air until my ride gets here. I can't wait to curl up in a giant blanket instead of freezing my ass off.

Every part of me is caught off guard when someone calls my name. It's a voice I know, but one I haven't heard in so long.

“Jean?”

He's standing in front of me now and I don't move an inch. Either he's gotten taller, or I've gotten shorter, if that makes any sense at all. What do I say? Why is he here?

“What are you doing here?”

Looks like he beat me to the ultimate question. Then again, this is a damn grocery store. People kind of need to eat in order to live. I've never seen him here before.

He's changed. As far as appearances go, his hair has grown a little longer and he has a prickly five o'clock shadow spreading across his chin and jawline. By the looks of it, he hasn't been sleeping much. He's starting to accumulate bags under his eyes, but there's still that same softness to his features that I've always known.

“I work here.”

That's all I can get out.

“Since when?”

“A month ago maybe.”

I've lost track of time. It would have been more than that, but who's counting.

There's a silence that passes and I still have no clue what to say. How do you speak to someone who you've recently had a falling out with? Someone who hurt you and then wanted to come back only to be shot down. We're nothing close to friends at this point, only acquaintances with a history.

“Eren... could I talk to you alone?”

Maybe. We're alone right now, but I guess he means away from the front door where every passerby can hear our conversation. There must be a million things he wants to ask me.

My answer is a small nod and I follow him around the side of the store, blocked out from the wind and most of society. I press myself against the wall and keep my eyes down. It's so odd with it being just the two of us again. The last time we spoke was that awkward phone call me gave me when he was drunk. It must have gone downhill for him after that. Now I feel guilty.

We're both a little uncomfortable right now. I can see he's standing with his hands in his pant pockets and his shoulders hunched. He always did that was he was nervous.

“So... how have you been?”

It's an awkward conversation starter, but it's better than nothing. More than what was coming out of my mouth. I never initiate anything.

“Okay, I guess.”

You mean besides the days I cried myself to sleep after you left me? Or how close I was to giving up and taking my own life? He really has no idea how torn up I was, but I'm past that. It hurts to remember, but that's not me anymore. I'd like to think I've regained a tiny amount of mental stability after all this time.

“You haven't been answering my calls.”

There's a reason for that. After the third time of seeing his name pop up on my phone, I blocked him. I couldn't be answering him when moving on was my top priority. I wasn't going back to him and I figured that was perfectly clear with our lack of interactions.

“You said I could see you, but you never showed up at the apartment.”

I was half expecting him to forget. It had sounded like he'd drunk himself stupid yet he still managed to remember calling me and what I said.

“You never called me back. I thought something happened to you.”

“I'm fine.”

“That's not the point. Would it have killed you to call me to let me know you weren't going to come back?”

Wasn't that what was established when we broke up?

The funny part is, I was eager to go back. I had my things packed and my foot out the door until Levi confessed his feelings for me. I was ready to leave and go back to the familiar life I had out of pure desperation for things to be normal again. Now here we are, and I'm barely able to look him in the eyes.

“I'm sorry. I... I should have told you.”

He lets out a sigh and I'm hoping he let out his frustration out with it. I don't want this to turn into an argument. I want both of us to move on with no hard feelings. We both made our mistakes and we can get over it. That's what normal adults do, right? Forgive and forget.

I lift my eyes with a flinch when he inches closer, pressing his lips against mine where I claw at his arm, trying to push him away. Jean has always been stronger than me, not that it's a terrible shocker. I'm nothing but a bone wrack.

The kiss breaks and I have to press my hands against his chest to keep him away from me. We broke up. All of that is over and done with. I thought this was going to be an explanation for everything, or a small conversation about how we're both in agreement to move on. A simple goodbye and nothing more.

“I've missed you so much, Eren. I know it's been a long time, but I can change. I promise I won't hurt you anymore.”

I hate that voice. It's sounds so sincere. Heartbreak to the point where it sounds like he's going to cry. He really is a mess. The hand he presses to my cheek is cold, his fingers are like icicles brushing against my skin sending shivers down my spine. It's also not helping my frozen state.

“My life has been hell without you. I should have treated you better and I know that now. We can have a second chance.”

He's not serious, is he? This is the same speech he gave me over the phone. If I were still naive, maybe it would work on me, but I have someone who I love more than anything. We can't get back together. It's not the same.

“I-I can't.”

“Things will be better this time, I promise.”

Stop confusing me. I don't want to be with you. Stop pulling at the thin strings on my heart. They're twisting more and more, barely hanging on by a fiber on the verge of snapping. It's not like you wake up one day and stop loving someone. Jean was my first for everything, the one who helped me up when I had no one to turn to, saved me from my father and the life I knew at home. There's a small part of me that still loves him.

“I can't.”

“Yes you can.”

“We broke up for a reason.”

“That was my mistake. I should have been there for you. I was so caught up with my friends and work that I lost track of what really mattered. It was wrong of me, Eren. I'm sorry.”

What's the saying again? Too little too late.

“I don't care if you smoke, or anything. I just want you back.”

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

“I... I'm with someone else.”

“You what?”

The shock is written all over his face. That was an answer he wasn't expecting in a thousand years. It may be hard for him to believe, but he needs to face the truth sooner or later. I'm with Levi now and I love him. That's what my heart wants, even as the first man I ever loved stands in front of me with those giant puppy dog eyes. I'm not taking him back.

“I've moved on, Jean. You... you hurt me and can't ignore that.”

If I wasn't dating someone right at this moment, would I be saying such things?

“I can change, Eren. Give me another chance. If I ever hurt you again, you can leave me.”

It's ironic isn't it? Everything has flipped and now he's the one begging for a second chance.

“Jean... there are other people out there. You can find someone better than me.”

“I don't want anyone else.”

I wish I didn't have to be alone with him. It hurts for reasons I can't explain. His icy hands are cupping my cheeks and it's making it so much harder to turn him down. We've had some good memories together, but the bad overrides the good. Those nights we spent curled up together mean nothing now that he's snapped open my heart and let it bleed.

“I'm sorry, Jean. I'm with Levi now, and I'm happy with him. I know you-”

“Levi?”

His voice deepens and his hands move down to my shoulders, holding me in place to study my eyes. He's searching for answers. I whimper slightly when his grip tightens on my arms, his thumbs pushing hard against my skin; enough so that it's painful. I can't do anything but stare into his deep blue eyes, the ones that were so soft only a moment ago.

“You're with the guy from the fucking internet?”

“J-Jean-”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

I'm surprised he remembered who Levi was to be completely honest. He's more than some random guy from online. True, that's where I met him, but looking at us now, you never would have guessed.

His thumbs dig in harder and I whine, pressing myself further against the wall, succeeding in making him look larger than he really is. His tone is getting louder and more upset with every word spoken and it scares me. Yelling matches are things I tend to avoid- mostly because I always lose.

“You moved on awfully quick didn't you?”

I don't know what he's getting at. I found someone who loves me, why is that so bad? He isn't phrasing it like a regular question- more like an interrogation. His voice is challenging and it's lost that soft edge as if he no longer cares.

“You were fucking him when we were together, weren't you?”

“W-What?”

“Answer me!”

“No. Jean, I would never do that.”

_Answer me, Eren!_

“Don't lie to me!”

Stop yelling. Please, stop.

_You're saying this just to piss me off, aren't you?_

I need to leave. This whole situation is taking a bad turn. Our little talk isn't what I expected it to be. I try to pull away, but Jean pushes me back against the wall where I struggle against his hold. The pressure against my skin hurts way too much, his fingers digging so far into my arms that there's no doubt they'll leave marks.

“J-Jean... you're hurting me.”

_Dad, stop. You're hurting me._

He's not letting go. What am I supposed to do? I have to grit my teeth to stop from crying. All I can mange to do is reach into my pocket to get my phone. Jean notices straight away and grabs my wrist with that death like glare straight into my eyes. I moved on, I thought he would be happy for me.

“P-please let go.”

“Tell me the truth!”

“I-I did.”

“Stop lying to me!”

“I-I didn't-”

“Tell me the truth!”

He shakes me hard and I'm borderline terrified. What does he want from me? I told him the truth. I'm not even lying this time, so why doesn't be believe me? Nothing is good enough for him.

Is that really what he wants to hear? The truth won't even be the truth. That's completely ass backwards. If that's what I have to do then fine. Anything to stop the pain in my arms and crushing weight on my chest every time he opens his mouth to scream at me. If that's what he needs to hear, then I'll give him what he wants.

“I slept with him!”

Something hard connects with my cheek and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground. The side of my face is burning with a sharp sting to match my scraped up hands after hitting the pavement. If there's such a thing as a step up from terrified, this would be it. I don't know what's going on anymore.

_Are you happy now, you piece of shit?_

My arms are shaking, threatening to give out and leave me lower than I've ever been. My phone is on the ground beside me, the screen scratched to hell and maybe even cracked. If I were to reach for it, I would surely fall.

I know what comes after this, right? He'll hit me again, kick me until I can't move. I've seen it over and over again in my nightmares, except this time it feels so real. The pain is real, the terror running through my body is the worst, and the pounding in my chest hurts more than you could ever imagine. Every inch of me wants to cry, but I can't. There are dozens of sobs lodged in my throat and I can't get them out.

_No son of mine is ever going to be with a boy._

Why can I still hear him? All those awful things he said to me while beating me until I bled are on permanent repeat. The pain hitting my body over and over again. The burning on my cheek was the cause of the first time he'd hit me. I know there will be more. Waiting is the worst part.

I want to speak, to tell him to stop even though I know he won't. I can't lift my eyes, I can't face him because that's the kind of weakling I am.

_You deserve this._

I can't breathe. How is it that I'm choking on air what that's the thing I crave? I'm doing nothing but taking small gasps, panicking about the lack of air entering my lungs. Tears are burning my eyes, and I have no choice but to let them fall due to the fear of more pain. Sobs are trying to tear their way past my throat, but they can't. Everything is bogged down and I can't see straight.

All of my senses are blacked out. I can barely make out the sound of yelling that slowly escalates into something louder but I don't know who it is. All I can hear is my father, those slow, aggressive steps he took towards me before kicking me in the chest. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out. The nightmares are real. I never thought I would have to endure the same pain for a second time. If that happens, there's no way I'll be able to breath at all. Its a miracle I'm still conscious.

Someone is beside me, and I flinch, inhaling sharply which only adds to the pain in my chest. I'm scared. Someone help me. I can't breathe. Get him away from me. I don't want to hurt anymore. I promise I won't make anymore mistakes.

I try to move, but I can't. If I gave it my all, I might be able to crawl away at a snail's speed. The figure moves beside me and I manage my first scream, jerking back only to have my back connect with a wall behind me. I'm trapped. I've backed myself into a corner. An easy target. A city duck.

_You're sick._

I know.

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

I wish I knew. I wish I could control everything. Then I would chose to be straight so I could live a normal life; so I could go back to having a family.

He hasn't hit me yet. What is he waiting for? Does he want me to be a broken mess on the floor before he takes his second swing? It's always more satisfying to see someone fall harder the second time. Especially when they're so close to being healed.

“I-I'm s-sorry... D-dad...ple-ase...”

My voice is strained. I could barely breathe as it is. It's my last ditch effort to avoid being hurt. I'll apologize as much as I have to. I couldn't make him happy. I'm not the perfect child he wanted. He wanted grand kids, I know he did. I was the one to continue our family name, and I crushed his dreams.

All I can do is curl in on myself, pulling my knees up to protect my chest, my arms wrapped around my head to protect my skull from any incoming blows. Air is becoming harder to and harder to acquire and I can't do anything but tug at my hair and yell at myself to calm down.

I blink a few times, clearing some of the foggy teared vision I have to adjust my gaze on the ground. I'm outside. I can barely remember where I am, but it's not in the old house. The figure next to me belongs to someone with a smaller frame, slender, not tall. I should know who, but I can't think of their name.

There's a second person now, knelt down in front of me. I know the face. I know it so well. The clumps of hair I've been pulling at disappears and is replaced with a strong hand. I squeeze it hard because that's all I can do. Each breath feels like a rock is being pushed down my throat, causing me to gag, but with no result.

I'm lead back to lean against a wall, my legs shaking so hard it's a miracle I can sit right. I wish it would stop. A small amount of warmth returns to my body when something is placed over my shoulders, a familiar scent filling the air around me that I should know right off the bat. I've smelled it so many times before. It comes with the soft touch that razes my cheek, guiding my eyes to get me focused

“Can you hear me, bright eyes?”

I can hear you. I can't respond, but I know that voice. It causes more tears, but they aren't there because of the pain. More like relief.

Please help me.

“C-can't... b-breathe.”

“Levi, we should call an ambulance.”

Please, no. I hate them more than anything. I remember being in one next to my mother. They were always called in a panic whenever she would start to vomit due to her treatments. Ambulances mean hospitals, and that's the last place I want to go.

There's no response to the statement. Instead, my hand is guided forward until it presses against something warm. My legs are parted slightly so Levi can sit on his knees between them, easing some of the pressure off my chest. I can feel a steady pulse underneath my palm, a gentle rhythm that my own heart should be following. There's a slow rise and fall under my fingers that all my attention is focused on.

“You're alright, Eren. Breathe with me.”

I'm trying so hard to copy it. Whenever he breathes in, I do the same until he exhales in a single calm breath, not stuttered like mine. I can't match it, and I'm starting to get upset. He praises me each time I make it through a full cycle, pushing me to try harder for the next one.

After another time, my breathing is coming easier. The knot in my throat is easing loose until I can finally pass air through my lungs. Even with my cloudy vision, I can see Levi in front of me, my hand pressed under his shirt to rest against his heart.

It takes me a few more tries to breathe normally again, my heart still beating quickly, but not nearly as bad. It isn't hammering against my rib cage to the point of feeling like it's going to burst. I have enough strength to wipe the hot tears off of my face with my other hand, ignoring how cold it is and the giant gash in my palm.

The moment he realizes I'm okay is the moment he moves closer to hold me. I literally collapse into his lap, letting myself relax, my eyes pressed into the crook of his neck so he doesn't have to see me upset. I thought I was done with that. But this is what I am. Do you still love me, Levi? That same broken boy hasn't gone anywhere.

I never wanted him to see me like this. I was doing so well for such a long period of time, and that all changed on a dime. He's seen me scared before, but nothing close to this. My nightmares are normally followed by a few tears, but never so bad to the point of having a panic attack. I didn't think my memories crippled my mind that badly.

I cling to Levi like a life line, tugging lightly on his shirt while he holds me, pulling his coat tighter around my shoulders to block out the sudden gusts of chilled wind that pass by. My breathing is slow as I try so hard to take in air through my mouth. My mind is nearly blank, but I know I came here for a reason. It was nothing more than a casual meeting that turned sour, all by the same guy I thought loved me.

“I-I'm alright.”

I wish.

My hands don't leave the soft fabric when he helps me to my feet. I use him as a crutch like I always have, supporting myself so I don't crumple back onto the pavement. My hands hurt enough from hitting it once. My second hand is welcomed to my cheek as I cup it to cool down the burning welt puffing up under my palm. The pain brings back too many things I'm scared of.

I notice now the second person with us is Petra. It should have clued into me sooner, since she's one of the only girls I know with that small of a frame. She looks concerned, but I keep my eyes down so I can't see her sympathetic looks of concern. I wonder if she'll think differently of me after seeing how pathetic I was. Hell, I don't even know why she's out here, but I'm sure she has her reasons. Some story behind why her and Levi are both here instead of Jean.

Levi leads me all the way back to his car and helps me into the passenger seat like a toddler needing to be buckled in. I sniffle as quietly as I can, pushing him away so I can do everything on my own. I'm not a baby. I don't need his help with everything. Silence overtakes me for a few seconds until Levi finds his way around the vehicle into his own seat.

“Are you sure you're alright?”

“I said I'm fine.”

He can see right through me, but he simply sighs, closes the door behind him and turns the key to let a low purr fill my ears. At least he hasn't seen my cheek. I've been hiding it fairly well and it hadn't started swelling up until now. It burns so bad and my insides are twisted up with the things I heard and saw back when I was a mess on the pavement. We pull away from the store in silence as I turn my shoulder to look out the window to avoid conversation.

I have to bite my lip to try and stop myself from wanting to cry. I deserve this. Maybe dad was right. Jean seemed to think so, that's why he hit me, right? I was only doing what was demanded of me. The truth may have not been true, but I gave him what he wanted.

“Eren... when we get home, I want you to tell me what happened.”

“Why?”

“There are things you aren't telling me.”

I refuse to turn to look at him. I'm trying to keep myself together so I don't look worse than I did a few moments ago. I want to keep the small amount of fight I have buried in the pit of my broken soul.

“What do you mean?”

“Your father.”

“What about him?”

“You kept saying you were sorry. You thought he was there... didn't you?”

It doesn't matter. None of it does. It's done now and I'd rather move on and forget. I've had to relive it twice and I don't want a third time to come and bite me in the ass.

“I already told you he hurt me. That's all you need to know.”

“I can't help you if you don't tell me anything. Something happened between you and that other guy tonight that brought back something awful. I don't want you to suffer on your own.”

“It doesn't matter.”

“It does. You can't keep all of this bottled in.”

He's not understanding that I'm trying to avoid this topic for a reason. I've had a bad enough day without him nagging at me for information that's none of his business. At least he had no idea that was Jean back there. I suppose the two of them never met.

I flinch lightly with the pain jolting through my face. Maybe all I am is a human punching bag. First dad, now Jean. Maybe Levi will get fed up with me and take a few swings down the road. My mistakes make everyone upset with me, which is no ones fault but my own. I deserve the pain I receive, which is why I always did the job for them. I bled and cried, forced my arms to sting over and over again which I thought was a form of release. I guess deep down I knew that's what everyone wanted. I don't deserve happiness.

It's getting harder to hold everything in. I'm blinking fanatically to get rid of the tears, glancing up every once in awhile to block the easy way down. I'm so confused about everything. Levi would never hit me, right? But what's stopping him? He could start tomorrow and I would never see it coming. He's seen me so broken and lost that it's no wonder he hasn't snapped already. I've hit rock bottom.

“Eren?”

Don't talk to me. My focus is trying to stay on the dimmed scenery instead of the events of my whole life. Jean's love was fake, wasn't it? Just like my father's. He only loved me until he couldn't stand me. Being boyfriends was nothing but a fancy title. He never wanted me back because of love, it was to fill his own selfish needs of loneliness.

These past three years have been a giant game of charades. A huge act so I wouldn't leave him, so he always had someone to come home to. That's what everyone wants in life, so why not fake it so you can achieve your own selfish goals? I want to believe Levi is different. He's proved it to me, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

The first noise that comes from my throat is hideous, but it starts a chain reaction I can't avoid. One or two tears turns into a downpour and small sobs turn into choked breathes into my sleeve. He has to be fed up with me by now. Me and my fucked up past. I shouldn't even be with him right now. I should be with a girl like I'm supposed to, or maybe even dead; rotting in the ground where I belong.

Everything slows down until I realize Levi has pulled over onto the side of the road. This is a good chance for me to run out of the car- if I had any will power left. He turns the key and unhooks his seat belt, turning towards me where I refuse to meet his eyes as he takes my hand. He's my boyfriend, I should feel comfortable with him, but right now I'm so confused that I'm scared as to why I don't want him to touch me. He'll be too gentle. I should be beaten into a bloody pulp. My whole life has been a series of everyone hating who I am. What's the point of trying anymore?

“Eren, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.”

If only he knew what was really going on. It would be so much easier to telepathically talk to him rather than opening my mouth. I can't say anything normally without my voice cracking.

“I-I'm s-sorry.”

I don't want him to see this. I couldn't make it until we got back to the apartment. It's nothing ten minute drive and my emotions bubbled over too soon. I want to cry alone in the bathroom where Levi can't see me.

“W-what am I doing w-wrong, Levi?”

“What do you mean? You're not doing anything wrong.”

“H-he hit me.”

“That guy was just a giant asshole.”

I shake my head frantically, using my wrists to wipe at my eyes instead of my scratched up hands. It's the best I can do. Although my best is never good enough. I return to holding my cheek to try and ease the throbbing sting that shows up every few seconds.

Clearly something is off. If this is a reoccurring thing, there must be something I'm missing. Something I'm doing, or there's a flaw I have that's driving everyone mad.

I'm holding the side of my face so much that Levi notices, tilting my head so he can see the damage done to my cheek. His thumb presses to the side of my lip where he pulls back to find a smudge of blood on the print. I don't taste it at all, or I've gotten used to the coppery tinge it leaves on my tongue.

“You knew him, didn't you?”

Was it that obvious? It might be a stab in the dark on his part, but it wouldn't make sense for a complete stranger to hit me, unless I really pissed them off somehow. But I'm the type to avoid people rather than seeking people out to start something. I can manage a slow nod, but not too much else.

“J-Jean... I-I thought he loved me.”

“That was Jean?”

The anger in his voice is evident. I'm sure it's not directed at me, but rather himself for not shoving Jean into the ground and taking out his rage towards him. I wouldn't want to see that. Despite what anyone has ever done to me, I don't want to see them suffer. I know how bad it hurts.

“I-I don't understand, Levi. What am I doing wrong? He was so nice... and then he... he changed. I-it was just like my father.”

I never went into details about what happened. I would much rather avoid retelling that night to Levi and give him the basics. I said he hurt me, and I let him put the rest together. I suppose I never told him to what extent, or how much it damaged my outlook on life, or how many times I've woken up in tears because I remember him screaming at me.

“W-what can I do so I don't screw up again?”

He's silent, pressing his palm to my uninjured cheek, wiping some of the tears away with his thumb. His kindness is wasted on me. He could do so much better.

“Please tell me, Levi.”

I need answers. Let me know the reason everyone hates me and I'll try to change it. If it's something I can't fix, then I'll do everyone a favor. I'm sick of the emotional pain. Day after day I'm crying, fighting my mind and the voices that haunt my dreams. How is that any way to live? It would drive anyone mad, and I'm slowly getting to that point. Jean hitting me only sped up the process.

“Look at me, bright eyes.”

I bet they aren't so bright anymore. More like red and puffy and disgusting. He doesn't guide me, he simply waits until I gain enough courage to let him see me how I am. I'm trying to hide my eyes under my bangs, which is failing. He can see me clear as day.

“I promise you, you're not doing anything wrong. There are people out there who will hurt you, and it's not your fault. Those are the ones you need to cut out of your life so you can move forward. They don't deserve your love and you shouldn't give them anything in return for the way they've treated you. Keep those around who make you feel happy; the ones you make you smile like you're supposed to.”

“B-but there has to be a reason no one likes me. I-I have to be doing something wrong.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I... I keep getting hurt, a-and it's the ones I love that hurt me the most. No one likes me and I don't understand why.”

“That's not true. Petra loves you. She claims you're the cutest boy she's ever seen. She's says you're super nice to everyone and loves seeing you smile because it makes her day. ”

“I don't believe you.”

It takes him a few moments to dig his phone out of his pocket, sliding it open to scroll down the screen. I watch him curiously, almost cat like when he taps Petra's name in his list of contacts. He raises his eyebrows slightly and passes me the phone. I'm afraid I'll drop it, so I hold it with both hands, cradling it like a small pet. My finger slides along the screen to view more of their conversation, each word softening the straight line of my lips and drying more tears.

 **Levi** : How was his first day without me?

 **Petra** : He's doing well. Hes always asking me if everything looks okay and its adorable!!!

 **Levi** : ...

 **Petra** : Afraid Im going to steal him from you? ;)

 **Levi** : Not really.

 **Petra** : Seriously though hes a cutie.

 **Levi** : Do I have competition now?

 **Petra** : You worry too much. Its obvious he loves you

 **Levi** : Is that so?

 **Petra** : He always smiles when I bring up your name, which I do quite often cause it makes my freakin day.

 **Levi** : Try not to annoying him too badly.

 **Petra** : Ill need to ask him for his number.

I let myself stop, handing the phone back to Levi with a small blush of embarrassment pricking the tips of my cheeks. That's all I need to read in order to be proven wrong by my skepticism. Petra really does like me. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling to know someone really does care and isn't being two faced to make you feel good.

“Everyone at work likes you, even Auruo, although he can be a real ass sometimes.”

Can't argue there. I snort softly with a smirk tugging at my lips. In all honesty, I'd say Auruo is a big part of why Levi and I finally ended up dating. It's funny to think about. Who knows how long our relationship would have been dragged out if I hadn't run off after overhearing a certain conversation.

“You affect everyone around you, Eren. There will always be those who do more harm than good, but that doesn't mean the whole world is against you. You mean so much to so many people.”

It's always the ones closest to you that make you fall harder. They're the ones who leave a mark deep enough to withstand so many years. That's what makes it so difficult. Having to stand after being pushed over constantly makes it harder every time. You lose faith that you'll ever be able to walk again. But this time, I have a crutch.

“I need you to trust me when I tell you it will get better. I'll be there to help you.”

“I-I know. But there are still things I'm too scared to say...”

“It takes time. I'm sorry for pressuring you to tell me about your father, it's none of my business. You can tell me whatever you want when you're ready.”

“Thank you...”

He leans in to kiss me softly on the nose and I've managed to stop crying so hard. I owe Levi so much. He pulls me out of the gutter whenever I feel awful and gets me to smile when there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

“Lets leave all of this behind us. I'm just glad you're okay.”

“I-I'm sorry if I scared you back there.”

I scared myself majorly, so I can only imagine how it looked to someone else. I was in my own nightmare world trying to fight off demons who have been clawing their way up to the surface waiting for a chance to take over. I must have looked like a lunatic, on top of panicking and telling Levi I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was dying, or close to it.

“A little, but I'm not blaming you.”

Well that's a relief. It's nothing I can control.

“And... thank you... for helping me calm down.”

I tilt my head slightly, tugging at the corner of the sleeve draping down my shoulder. Even the subtle scent coming off the fabric is bringing me back to Earth. It's a familiar smell that reminds me I'm not dreaming. It reminds me of cuddling in bed watching movies until both of us fall asleep. The best part is waking in to find Levi's strong arms around my waist and listening to him groan whenever I try to get up.

“You don't need to thank me for anything. I want to keep you safe. If anyone ever touches you like that again, let me know and I'll make them wish they hadn't.”

“Levi... you didn't hurt Jean, did you?”

“I made sure he left with a black eye that won't be healing anytime soon.”

I shouldn't be upset with him and I know that. Jean hurt me, and I'm sure I would have done the same thing if the roles had been reversed. The only difference is, Levi has the strength to fight someone his own size. He has the balls to get up and protect the ones he cares about. I look up to him for those reasons too.

“I couldn't let him get away with that, Eren.”

“I know... I'm not mad.”

Jean is someone I need to forget about. He left his mark on me, but that will fade with time. I have someone to help me through it.

Levi keeps his hand with mine as he finds his position again, turning the key to let the car purr to life. He somehow manages to pull the vehicle into drive and resume everything all with one hand. He palms the wheel around the head back onto the road and gives my hand a small squeeze that I return with my eyes fixed on him. I'm already feeling a little better

“Lets go home and get you cleaned up.”

 


	37. Chapter 37

Levi never pushed me to tell him anything after my little meltdown in the car, and I'm happy for that. It's almost as if it never happened, and I'd like to believe it didn't, even though the welt on the side of my face says otherwise. Jean left a fair sized bruise on my cheek and the pavement scraped up my hands pretty bad, but at least they're healing. We both had a shower when we got back to the apartment and it helped me forget everything when Levi held me and helped rub suds all over my body.

As the days passed, it wasn't hard to tell Levi was trying to restrain himself from bringing up what happened in the hopes of getting answers from me. Not so much as a word left his mouth on the matter and instead kept himself busy kissing me when I wasn't paying attention.

The next big thing happened when Erwin barged in on Levi and I having a little make out session on the bed. He laughed it off and made the typical joke of 'get a room' even though we were already in a damn room. I wanted to hide under the bed from embarrassment while Levi acted as if nothing had happened. It's only kissing, but it feels like he walked in on something more. Give it some time, and he might.

It turns out he wanted confirmation on us joining him for Thanksgiving at his parent's house. I was skeptical about the whole thing, but Levi immediately agreed so, as much as I didn't want to, it would be pretty sad if I refused and had to spend the day alone in the apartment. I know social gatherings aren't my cup of tea, but at least it's not a loud party with a bunch of drunk and stoned assholes.

Levi caught onto my nervousness and discomfort about the whole thing and ended up taking me shopping to pick out something to wear. None of my regular clothes seemed suitable enough for a first impression on someone's parents. They might not appreciate me coming over half naked, or with my stomach showing like I'm about to do a strip tease. I'm fine wearing that kind of stuff around Levi, but adults and the public eye are a completely different stories.

I settled for something a little more casual after getting Levi's say in the matter. I must have tried on a dozen different combinations of shirts and pants, and poor Levi had to wait outside the dressing rooms for me. He approved on every single one, but that doesn't mean much. I could have come out in a paper bag and he would have said I looked amazing.

I ended up finding a dark pair of [pants](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=188649039) to contrast a fancy long sleeve and scarf. It suits the season and it's comfortable enough for me to tolerate wearing for however long we're going to be there. I paid for it myself now that I have some income and I couldn't help but notice Levi off staring at the lingerie section which had me blushing so hard the cashier had to ask if I was alright. To which Levi looked over and gave me one of his stupidly innocent smirks. I was out of that place so fast you'd swear I was never in it.

I pulled myself into the outfit the next day around noon after having a shower. Even Levi [dressed](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=200376655) a little more casual than what I'm used to seeing him wear. He got dressed way before me- mainly because he doesn't take as long in the bathroom as me. We were supposed to be there for dinner, but Erwin wanted to show up early to help with stuff around the house. And since there's only one car, that didn't leave us too many options. Damn Erwin for being a good son and being helpful.

I was fidgety the whole ride in the back seat. As much as I wanted to sit up front, I don't own the car so I get the crummy spots. I'd brought my bag along for no real purpose but to have something over my shoulder so my arms weren't too awkward. I picked at the straps until we slowed down and pulled into the driveway.

Erwin's parent's place is exactly how I imagined it would be. I knew they were well off, so the gorgeous Victorian house didn't come as too much of a surprise. What added to the beauty was the bright red maple in the front yard that lit up the place like a runway. I was too busy gawking at it that I didn't notice Levi open the car door for me. I took his hand and he helped me up, keeping out fingers laced to give a small amount of heat to my hands. They're like ice blocks, I swear.

“This place is amazing.”

If it weren't for the crummy city around it, this would be my dream home. Living out in the country is so much better. Not as much noise and the air smells nicer. At least the house has a decent chunk of property for being thrown in a city. Must be one of those houses that was built long beforehand.

“Are you going to stare at the house all day or come inside?”

Levi uses his joking tone when he says it, knowing full well I wouldn't stay outside to freeze my ass off if I didn't have to. Erwin is already at the front door, kicking some of the dirt off his shoes on the welcome mat. I tend to trail behind a little.

“Do I look alright?”

I'm nervous to say the least. I don't know what to expect when walking through that door. Erwin is a nice guy so I can only assume his parents are just as caring, but who knows. I want to make a good first impression and want them to like me so it makes the visit less uncomfortable. It also feels like I'm intruding since I have no idea who they are.

“You've asked me that ten times already. You look fine.”

His opinion differs from everyone though. I should have asked Erwin instead.

“I...I just want to make sure.”

“You don't need to be so nervous, Eren. They're good people. They'll love you no matter how you look.”

It must be obvious that I'm anxious about this whole thing, and I really hope he's right. I tried to pick something a little less feminine so I wouldn't be getting weird looks. The last thing I need is to feel self conscious and start acting weird. That never ends well.

I let Levi guide me up to the front door, being extra cautious not to trip up the three stairs to prevent my entrance from being the most embarrassing one possible. I try to keep myself behind Levi as much as I can so I'm not the center of attention when we walk into the house. I can see a pine wreath hung up on the door with a little red bow which tells me they're huge fans of Christmas and like to decorate early.

Erwin knocks a couple times before pushing the door open, giving a heads up so we don't barge in unnoticed. I squeeze Levi's hand to make sure he doesn't let go as we enter. The smell of fresh bread hits me like a truck and causes my mouth to water.

“We're here!”

Erwin sounds way too happy to be saying that. He must really love his parents, and for that I'm envious. I make sure to push my boots neatly to the side of the door before I start gawking at the place. The inside is nicer than the outside if that's even possible. Neutral colours and shades of light furniture make every room pleasing to the eye. Everything matches perfectly, not to mention to huge framed scenery pictures they have hung on every wall are amazing.

An older couple come around the corner, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say they're Erwin's parents. The only reason I'm not even more uptight about this is because Erwin mentioned no other family would be here. They always have a small Thanksgiving dinner with no other relatives. Even with all this extra space, they still enjoy smaller gatherings. I like them already.

His mother is a tiny little thing and she looks so young that I have to do a double take. His father on the other hand is a large man, one of those gruff looking guys that you'd expect to drive a massive truck. Erwin is the spitting image of both of them. He has the chiseled features of his father, yet the blue eyes and blonde hair of his mother. Kinda creepy.

He gives both of them a hug before his mother moves on to Levi and I standing behind him. It catches me off guard when Levi drops my hand to hug her as if she's his own mother. She even gives his a small kiss on the cheek where he grimaces like a small child, only to receive a laugh out of her.

I'm next in line where I give a small smile and she returns it with an even larger one. I'm afraid my hair looks stupid with how much she's staring at me.

“And you must be, Eren. I've been dying to meet you.”

Seriously?

She gives me the same warm hug she gave to Levi and I can't help but be an innocent shit and blush at the action. She smells like baking and that would explain the amazing smells in the air. Her apron is also a dead give away that she's been working way too hard since before we got here.

“Feel free to call me Karen. Is 'Eren' alright, or do you prefer something else?”

“No, that's fine.”

Erwin's father moves next to us, giving Levi a firm pat on the shoulder, then extending his hand to me where I try to shake it with a decent grip. I don't want to start off with a wimpy greeting. Apparently it's extremely noticeable when your wrist is as limp as a stick of soft butter.

“Jason.”

Straight forward and simple. I'm sure that's a name I can remember. He seems like a man of few words, not that I mind. I smile lightly and he returns it, fixing the small rimmed glasses further onto his nose. So far the greetings haven't been too horrible.

“Come in, come in.”

Karen ushers us inside and all I can do is follow Erwin since I have no clue where anything is in this giant house. We all head into a beautifully decorated family room, complete with flowers and warm lighting. It's a nice contrast to the weather outside. It's not too cold, but it was starting to cloud over and I'm not looking forward to the potential rain.

I stay close to Levi the whole time and sit myself beside him on the couch with Erwin on his other side. It may be a little obvious that I'm nervous, or that I feel out of place.

“Now, Levi, how long were you going to keep the secret that you're dating?”

Karen's voice perks up in a playful manner as she takes a seat in a giant lazy boy chair, her husband leaning against the armrest with his arms crossed in front of him in more of a relaxed pose than a scolding one.

“It's not a secret anymore.”

“That's only because Erwin was the one to tell us.”

“'Cause he can't keep his damn trap shut.”

I glance over to find Erwin rolling his eyes with no care in the world. He's started to help himself to the small plate of crackers and cheese on the coffee table. It looks amazing, but I don't like to eat in front of strangers who could be watching you the whole time. I'd rather starve than be the center of attention. Knowing my luck, I'd spill everything like the klutz I am.

“Seriously, Levi, when was the last time you called us?”

Levi calls them? Like, on a regular basis?

“I've been busy.”

Erwin snorts, earning him a glare from Levi that goes unnoticed. I swear it's like watching a couple of siblings argue with each other. They're both only children, but it's funny to think they act like brothers a lot of the time.

“We just want to know how you two are doing. But, I suppose having a significant other will keep you busy.”

Karen glaces at her husband for a few short seconds and it makes me wonder what they were like when they were younger. How did they meet? I can get a little nosy when it comes to other peoples personal lives. I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I like knowing details on everyone, but hate it when they pry at my own life.

Erwin's parents continue to ask about school and work, occasionally shooting the questions my way where I forget the English language and take a few moments to respond. I'm still too busy trying to take in every last detail in the room. There's a wall shelf behind Karen and I'm trying to look at the framed pictures without seeming like I'm staring at her for no reason. The pictures interest me more than the hundreds of books that are lined on the shelves. A couple sculptures and trophies are scattered here and there, but I can't make out what they are.

There's a distance sound of a timer going off and I jump a little from the sudden noise. Karen perks up and hops out of her seat to flatten down her apron, that I now notice has a floral design around the edges.

“That must be the dressing. I should get back to preparing supper.”

“Do you need any help?”

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I snap my mouth shut with a small blush as Karen turns to be with the largest smile on her face that I've ever seen on anyone. Her hands clap together in a way that's all too cheery and I don't know what possessed me to speak, but there's no turning back now.

“That would be wonderful!”

I decide to grow some balls and get up from the couch, with Levi beside me making sure I don't fall over or something. I know he's worried about me from the way I reacted about the Halloween party, but this is different. I trust adults in their own home more than a bunch of drunken idiots who want nothing more than to get high and lose their minds. I can survive one day at Erwin's house. Erwin's father is the next to stand, as well as speak.

“Boys, I could use your help in the garage.”

“Why there?”

“I need to get things cleared out so I can store the car in there when it starts to snow.”

That's one thing I'm looking forward to. Snow makes everything so pretty. Blizzards are a pain in the ass, but a light, fluffy snow fall every now and then is enough to make my day. Snow also means spending hours and hours curled up in blankets with warm drinks.

Levi gives me this look and I do my very best to give him one that lets him know I'm alright. Erwin's mother seems like a very nice lady, extremely happy and should be able to get my mind off of the small worries I have. He takes my hand gently, pulling me closer to him for a small kiss that gets me blushing harder. Everyone could have been watching us for fuck sakes. He releases my hand so I can follow after Karen down the hall and into the massive kitchen. There's nothing in this house that I've seen that isn't massive.

Everything is white and gray, yet it also feels warm. There's so much lighting that it makes it the perfect spot for cooking, and there's so much space. Their house has an island, much like our apartment, but it's way more fancy. It has the built in sink and double level for extra storage. I'm getting envious of this place, as well as getting several ideas for when I can afford my own house.

“Your place is so nice.”

“Thank you, honey. It was my parent's old house. I had a lot of it redone, but it's still the same place.”

She hums softly as she heads to the perfectly spotless stainless steel stove to pull out a few pans of steaming food and replace them with a couple more. She places the oven mitts on the counter and turns to me with a peeler in hand, wiping her fingers on the front of her apron.

“I'll get you to peel a few potatoes for me if that's alright.”

I nod and take the peeler and find a seat at the island, my legs dangling over the edge of the bar stool like a toddler. I'm not short my any means, but damn these stools are huge.

Karen brings over a bag of potatoes and plops them beside me on the next stool along with two large bowl for me to throw the skins into, and also the finished potatoes. Peeling isn't such a bad job. It's repetitive, sure, but it's easy and it's something I won't have to worry about screwing up. Simple is better when I'm not in a familiar place. I thank her before starting as she rushes over to grab something from under the cupboards. Turns out to be another apron that she places on my lap.

“I don't want you ruining that adorable outfit.”

Dammit, I shouldn't be blushing at such simple things.

I thank her again, slipping the strap over my head to complete the look. It's not so bad. It matches the one Karen has, only it's a little darker in colour. I flatten it with my palms before resuming the task I'd been given. Cooking is so relaxing. The sounds of the mixtures brewing on the stove reminds me of home.

“So, how long have you and Levi been together?”

How long has it been? It seems like forever, but we never officially got together until weeks after we knew each other. Then the whole process was a complete fluke. I have Auruo to thank for that.

“A few months I think.”

She gives another soft hum with a smile that's not easily hidden. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Mind reading would be an amazing ability to have. For most cases anyways.

“You two seem very happy together.”

I feel my cheeks go flushed while I nod. Did she notice us kissing in the family room? It seems very likely. Adults soak that shit up like it's a movie.

“I'm happy to be with him. He's helped me so much... “

I pause and keep my eyes on the potato, but I can see her glance at me in the corner of my eye. She leans against the counter after placing yet another pan onto the stove, her hands keeping herself upright with her feet crossed, expecting me to continue where I left off.

“Um... can I ask you something weird?”

I'm not sure why now of all times I'm deciding to open my mouth and form words. It could be because I hate awkward silences, or because it's rare for me to be alone with someone I can actually talk to. It's hard to tell some things to Levi so I keep them in. Talking to Erwin's mother is almost like talking to a therapist. It's way easier to tell things to someone you barely know than your friend or lover.

“Go for it.”

“Do you ever get the feeling like you're not good enough for your relationship.”

“What do you mean, honey?”

“It just feels like Levi does everything for me... but I don't give him anything in return.”

My eyes are fixed on the browned skins, sliding along the blade in a perfect cut, fluttering into the bowl under my hands.

“Sorry... I know that's a weird thing to say.”

“Not at all. I felt the same when I first met Jason.”

My work pauses and I meet her eyes. I hope she's not just saying that so I can think she empathizes with me. It truly feels like I'm doing nothing in our relationship. I'm on there to cause problems and wake Levi up in the middle of the night for no reason other than a nightmare tearing at my brain. He gives me everything and I give him nothing. It's not that I want it to be like that, but I have no idea how to change it.

“Really?”

She shrugs and leans further against the counter. Her eyes wander over to the steaming food for a short moment as if reliving memories of herself and her younger husband. Time passes way too quickly, my mother would say that a lot.

“He would do everything for me. He insisted on paying for our dates, driving me around, even helped me pay for my first car. I asked him one day what he wanted in return, and do you know what he told me?”

I shake my head slowly, placing the first perfectly peeled potato in the second bowl, the skin slick and white on it's completely bare shell. I'm mentally congratulating myself for not screwing up and slicing the vegetable into a science project.

“He said that being with me was the best reward he could ask for. He didn't want anything. He did all of those things for me because he wanted to, not because he was looking for compensation.”

That may be true, that Levi is the same way, but shouldn't I be giving him something? Anything? He gave me a place to live and saved my life over and over again, but all I've given him are more problems and maybe a few rounds of sex. Not exactly what you'd call equality.

“I'm sure if you asked Levi, he would say the same thing.”

I try not to let it bother me. Even if I feel useless, I don't know what I could possibly do to make it up to him and repay him for everything he's done. A simple thank you doesn't sound like enough. That's the kind of thing you say when someone passes you the mashed potatoes, not pulls you out of a gutter of depression.

“Don't worry too much about it, honey.”

The way she talks reminds me of Hanji. The first time she met me she started talking as if I was her grandchild or something. Pet names are weird when they come from adults.

“I know I shouldn't... but it's something I can't stop thinking about.”

“Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Levi isn't the kind of person to care about that sort of thing.”

She sighs lightly, wiping her hands on the front of her apron, leaving small streaks of dirt which will need to be washed off later. I finish a couple more potatoes before the silence is interrupted again by yet another timer. I glance up to watch Karen work whenever she pulls something from the oven. She must have years of cooking experience behind her with how flawlessly she does everything. Each dish comes out smelling amazing like it's being used for a cooking channel. I hope she doesn't mind me staring.

I fill the bowl to the rim with potatoes and my work is done. I slide off the stool, but hover around the kitchen in case I'm needed for anything else. For the most part, the food looks done. Different scents are filling my nostrils and making my mouth water. My stomach isn't shutting up either.

I wander out in the hall beside the kitchen and find a mural of old photos. They must all be Erwin's grandparents and relatives. He has a pretty massive family from the looks of it. Most of the guys look alike, with their blond hair and scruffy beards. I'm never letting myself grow facial hair of any kind. I doubt I could pull it off.

A few more steps leads me into more recent photos with a younger Erwin dressed up in a football uniform with a couple other guys. No shocker that Erwin is a jock. I come across a photo with Levi and I have to do a double take to make sure it's actually him. His hair is a little longer and you can barely see his eyes, but he has the same neutral expression he's always carried. Levi must view these people as his family ever since he's been living with Erwin. Karen and Jason looked after him better than his actual parents judging by the images hung up on the wall.

“Find anyone you recognize?”

I jolt slightly to find Karen leaning on the wall beside me with a grin on her face. The question she poses has a hint of playfulness to it, since she can clearly tell I'm staring at the picture with Levi in it. There are a few more higher up, but I can't make them out clearly. I nod my head with a smirk and return to viewing the picture.

“How old is he in this one?”

She leans closer to me to get a better look and all I can smell is her strong perfume. It has a hint of vanilla to it, so it's way better than the generic ones that you can smell ten minutes before the person walks into the room.

“Not to much older than yourself I believe. This was the first year he joined us for Thanksgiving.”

It's upsetting to think he spent every holiday alone after his friends died. He said they were his family and he hadn't been close with Erwin until after high school, which is clearly when most of these picture were taken. Over the span of three years, Levi had lived on his own. I've never let that sink in until now.

“How long have you known him?”

I'm curious. I'm sure this is none of my business, but I have a million questions that seem inappropriate to ask Levi personally.

“It's been a few years now. I never officially met him until Erwin finished high school.”

“How did that go?”

“It's not my place to talk about his personal life, but I knew when I saw him he didn't have it easy. Erwin didn't tell me much, so I decided it wasn't any of my business.”

Perhaps Karen knows as much about him as I do. Maybe I know more. That night Levi sat me down to explain his childhood was the first time he told anyone. He kept his life a secret from Erwin so it would make sense that he wouldn't open up to Erwin's family either. His life is a giant puzzle that they're trying to piece together with what little bits of information he's leaving around.

“He told me you helped him pay for an apartment.”

Not a lot of people would be that generous. I suppose when you're rich, money is never an issue. Some prefer to rub it in other people's faces while others want to help those who don't have very much. I'm glad to hear the Smith's aren't the ass-holey kind of people.

“That's true. We payed his half of the rent until he found a job. There aren't too many around here so it took a little time. Everything worked out in the end and I couldn't be happier.”

It's weird how things turn out. After all of that, somehow Levi and I ended up meeting each other. I don't want to think about what could have happened if Erwin had never taken the initiative to get to know Levi on a personal level. He could still be living alone, and that thought sends a shiver down my spine.

“You've changed him, you know.”

“Levi?”

She gives me a simple nod.

“What do you mean?”

I hope she didn't mean that in a bad way.

“I don't want to get all sappy or anything, but he looks different. Happier.”

I hum quietly, letting my eyes fall back to the pictures, trying to imagine what kinds of lives I'm oblivious to. I wonder what other things I'm missing. There must be thousands of small details. What about Levi's father? The two of them could pass each other on the street and have no idea. Does he even want to see him again? I'll never know unless I ask.

The timer goes off in the kitchen yet again and Karen pipes up and rushes herself into the kitchen to pull on her flowery oven mitts. I follow her and lean slightly on the island, scanning over all the dishes sitting on the counter. It smells like a five star restaurant in here. I watch her pull out the final dish and turn the oven off, letting out a sigh as a sign that everything is finally done.

As if on cue, the front door of the house flies open as all three guys come stumbling into the house out of the cold. They're all joking around about something as they throw their coats on the rack in the hall before coming to join us in the kitchen. My eyes are focused on Levi, and I smile lightly at him as he approaches me to wrap his arms around my waist from behind like we've been separated for days. My response is a simple sigh as I nuzzle closer and let him place a kiss on my cheek. His lips are freezing, which I'm not used to.

“Have fun moving things?”

There's a hint of playfulness in my voice, lightly teasing him that I was inside a warm house while he had to be out in the cold lugging god knows what. He rolls his eyes and pulls me closer, brushing his palms against the fabric of the apron that he now realizes I'm wearing.

“This is cute.”

“It wasn't my idea.”

“I approve either way.”

I probably look like one of those cranky lunch ladies you find in high school cafeterias. I try to pull off the look by giving him a pout, but I never end up looking very terrifying like that.

I don't stray too far from Levi even as we all sit down for supper. Their dinning room is more like a dinning hall; large table, gorgeous painting, everything you could ever imagine. Their flatware is rimming with gold for fuck sakes. They could sell their plates and buy a whole new house. I take my spot beside Levi and shuffle my feet against the area rug, trying to look as comfortable as possible.

Every dish is passed around and I take one of everything because they all look and smell incredible. Turkey, dressing, potatoes, corn, turnips, ham; the typical Thanksgiving foods. I'm not one for veggies, but I'm not going to pass up the chance to eat like royalty.

Thankfully, there's no shortage of conversations at the table. It's mostly Erwin explaining school and letting his parents know what he's been doing for the past few months. There's a few jokes here and there and I end up laughing along with them at times, trying not to choke on whatever food I shoved in my mouth.

“It's a shame Marry couldn't join us. You'll have to ask her next year, Erwin.”

Levi looks as confused as me with the name. Maybe it's one of their cousins or a distant relative they haven't seen for years. It's only then that I realize Erwin has turned red and that's the not the case at all.

“Who's Marry?”

Levi takes the words from my mouth and stares at Erwin like he just caught on fire.

“A girl.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

I muffle my laugh, which turns into a few short coughs as I try to swallow my drink. It always catches me off guard when Levi swears so openly in front of adults like that. Karen utters his name as a sort of warning, but he shrugs it off like a small child.

“You're dating someone and you didn't bother telling me?”

“You never told me you and Eren were dating, so we're even.”

This smug look crosses Erwin's face and he swirls his wine slowly, pressing the rim to his lips like some cocky business man. I can easily picture him being the CEO of some giant company. He fits the part creepishly well.

“At least you've met Eren. I have no idea what this chick even looks like.”

“I didn't realize it was that important.”

That explains him going out so much. Makes me wonder if his nights out with Nile aren't actually with Nile at all, or maybe they are, but with an extra in toe. It's about time Erwin dates someone. I had no clue how he was still single in the first place.

“Whatever. I'm sure I'll meet her sometime this century.”

Levi isn't taking the news badly, he's just as surprised as I am. It's nothing to merit a fight over and I'm grateful for that. There's a small silence and I take my chance to be the first to speak. It's nothing big, but I've been fawning over Karen's dressing the whole meal and I have a desperate need to learn how to make it.

“Um...Mrs. Smith, would it be already if I got the recipe for your dressing?”

The amount of light that comes from behind her eyes is almost blinding. Whenever I speak to her it's like I'm telling her she won the lottery or some shit.

“Do you really like it that much?”

“It tastes amazing. I probably won't be able to make it as well as you, but I hope it's not too much trouble-”

“Not at all, Dear.”

She clasps her hands together in front of her chest, looking a little too excited over a simple question. At least I could make her happy with something so small. I did one thing right today.

She gets the the recipe, hand written and everything once the table is cleared after dinner. I'm sure it's burned into her brain so she doesn't been the physical copy to make it anymore. I'll have to try it out once Christmas rolls around. It would be odd to make dressing on any other day. I thank her more than once as I fold the cue card into my bag I left by the door.

I do what I can when it comes to cleaning up. It's the least I could do for having their roof over my head and eating their food. Clearing the table isn't so hard, but the dishes are a pain in the ass. Thank god there's this wonderful invention called the dishwasher. I would have killed to have one when I was little.

Karen and I are left alone again in the kitchen and it isn't uncomfortable at all. She enjoys small talk and is never short of questions. She asks me about work mostly. The topic never stays to the subject of my family and for that I'm extremely grateful. Even when I make the mistake of mentioning my sister's name, there's never any follow up questions about who she is. Maybe she's just assuming I'm a normal kid and have a family that hasn't been ripped apart.

It takes a solid hour for the kitchen to look spotless and it's rewarding as hell to see the place in top condition. Karen and I head back to the family room to find the three guys seated with a beer in hand talking about...well, whatever guys talk about.

I can't help but notice the small snowflakes fluttering along the porch light outside. Headlights from passing cars illuminate them even more and it's relaxing to say the least. Levi pulls me onto his lap after I shuffle over to him on the couch and I let him hold me, even if there are other people watching. I end up blushing a little when my eyes meet Karen who's giving me this small look that tells me more then words ever could.

Apparently I changed him. He's happy with me for reasons I'll never understand, but I'm okay with that. If he loves me for who I am, then why should I question any of that? I should be happy that I found someone who makes my life whole.

I let my head rest against Levi's chest while listening to the soft beating of his heart and the light conversation passing around the room. The four of them end up Euchre around the coffee table while I watch and learn how to play on my own. I end up holding the cards for Levi and he plucks them out of my fingers whenever it's his turn to make a move. I think I understand the just of it, but I'm not confident enough to play without messing it up.

Levi was pared with Erwin and I couldn't help but laugh whenever they would blame each other for a bad play, or their pathetic excuse for table talk. It's a different light shed on both of them that I've never seen before.

I've been so caught up in the bad aspects of my life that I have yet to focus on the good. I've completely lost track of what today truly means. I have so many things to be thankful for. The fact I can sit here with the person I love and feel like a part of something is a big deal in itself. To any average person, this is something they get every single day. Most people have a family, or parents that they can spend holidays with instead of being alone. This year, I can be one of them.

Karen and Jason may not be my real parents, but that doesn't mean I can't see them as my family. Cooking with Karen today was more nostalgic than I care to admit. It felt like I'd been thrown back fifteen years where I would cook with my mother every night, preparing different soups or breads for when my dad got home. It was something I could enjoy without being sad.

Jean never had a good relationship with his parents, so I never got to spend time with them. His mother seemed nice enough but he said she was too constricting and over protective. I don't' see how that could be a bad thing, especially when it comes to parents. They're supposed to worry about you.

I suppose I'll never get to meet Levi's real parents, but this is his family now. They've done more for him than I could ever wrap my head around. They even treat him as their own son and that in itself says a lot. It would be weird for me to thank them, but I'm sure they know how much their actions helped. They changed his life, and mine too.

Erwin lets out a small cheer as he throws his last card down to win them the game. Levi does the same and I nuzzle closer to him, find his hand to lace our fingers. I not usually the one to initiate that sort of thing, but it's about time I took the first step to let him know how much I care. He kisses me on the corner of my lips and I shift a little so our mouths connect. I play it off as as innocent, pretending it wasn't my fault that we magically kissed on the lips.

I nearly fall asleep in his arms when they finish another game. I'm shaken awake lightly by Levi's hand on my shoulder and I whine like a kitten, rubbing my eyes to get myself coherent again. It's so warm and comfortable on Levi's lap that I don't want to move an inch. Curling up here for the night doesn't sound so bad.

Unfortunately, I'm force to move once I realize it's time to leave. It's nearly 8 o'clock and it's pitch black outside. Shorter day light hours sucks. It's messing with my internal clock.

Levi helps me off his lap, supporting me with a hand on my hip so I don't stumble when I walk to the front door to grab my coat. Erwin isn't too far behind and his parents follow to see us off with giant smiles on their faces. It's a shame that I didn't get to see what kind of person Erwin's father is, but at least I got to know Karen a little better. She reminds me of Petra and how they're both so happy all the time. It must be emotionally draining to some extent.

I slip my boots on, only to be met with Karen's arms around me when I stand back up. All I can do is freeze for a moment until I understand what's going on. I return the hug less awkwardly than I thought I would which is a bonus, but I can't hide the shade of pink my cheeks turn when she pulls away.

“I was good to finally meet you, Eren. Drop by any time you're in the area, alright?”

I nod in response, folding my arms in front of me, tugging at the cuff of my jacket. I really wouldn't mind seeing these people a little more often, but it's not like I ever plan to come this far into town. It's certainly rare. She seems satisfied with my response and turns to Levi to give him the same kind of warm hug she gave him when we first got here.

“And I expect you to pick up the phone once in awhile, Ackerman. You hear me?”

Ackerman? Why is it I'm only learning Levi's last name now? I suppose I saw it a couple times in a Skype call window, but it completely escaped me until hearing it again. Now that I think about it, there are a lot of small details I still don't know about him. I don't know his birthday, or his favourite colour, favourite food, anything small that someone should know about their significant other. I really am a terrible boyfriend. It's my fault for not knowing any of these things because I've never asked. That kind of thing doesn't pop up in casual conversation.

My eyes fall for a moment, but only briefly. I don't want to look so down when we're leaving. Erwin's parents might start to sound concerned for me like all adults do. Levi takes my hand as Erwin says goodbye to his parents, both Levi and I uttering our thanks for everything once they've had their moment. It's heartwarming to see a family that are still happy together. A lot of them get split up over time with little to no contact. Something tells me the Smiths are never going to be like that.

Levi is the first to open the door, letting to cold air blow into the hall where I'm forced to tug my coat closer around my neck. Cold weather sucks. He grabs my bag for me off the floor and loops the strap around his fingers to carry it over his shoulder. I could have easily carried it myself, but it's the small things that make me feel loved. I squeeze his hand as a small thank you while Erwin follows us out the door. The light flakes aren't coming down as hard, but they still look pretty reflected off the street lights.

I scramble into the car to get out of the cold, wrapping my hands up in my lap because of my inability to dress for the weather. Mittens would be nice to have right about now. The car isn't too much warmer than outside, but at least there's no wind. Levi tosses my bag beside me and slips into the passengers seat with Erwin driving as usual. The car purrs to life and I rest my head on the window, letting my breath fog up the glass. I'm one step away from drawing dorky smiley faces.

Instead, I keep my hands in my lap, my chin resting against my shoulder pressed against the door. It's not the most comfortable sleeping position. My energy is drained. Erwin plugs in his phone to play a little more mellow songs than I'm used to when Levi is driving. It will make it easier to fall asleep, and I can get a solid twenty minute nap in before we reach the apartment.

 


	38. Chapter 38

I stayed passed out for the whole ride back, not once waking up when the car slowed down, or when we pulled into the apartment parking lot. Levi was the one to wake me up as usual and offered to carry me inside, but I turned it down so I wouldn't feel completely useless. How weird would that be to see a eighteen year old being carried like a toddler? As long as my legs work, I'll use them.

We all turned in rather early, more so than usual. Levi grabbed a shower after me and fell asleep with his nose buried in my hair and his arm around my waist. All I could smell was his shampoo and the far scent of smoke. He takes cigarette breaks every once in awhile, but not enough to be alarming. It seems to be something he does when he's bored, which isn't very often.

I fall asleep again beside Levi for a couple hours, stirring awake again for absolutely no reason. No nightmare or anything, I suppose my mind is overloaded with everything that happened today. I forgot to take off my key, so I spent my time awake twirling the string around my fingers. My movements don't bother Levi at all. I know he doesn't sleep very much, but when he does you'd swear he's dead. He deserves a good sleep every once in awhile, so I'm not about to wake him up to keep me company. I've noticed he's been sleeping better for the past few weeks and that's always relieving. Lack of sleep is terrible for anyone.

The first thing I notice is the light left on in the living room peeking through the crack under the door. It's a little past midnight, and Erwin isn't careless enough to leave them on until morning. Levi groans a little when I get up; like he knows I'm not beside him anymore. He'll get over it. I'm sure the pillows will keep him company. What a stupid thought.

I find the sweater Levi was wearing this evening draped over his desk chair and tug it on over my shoulders. I feel too naked wandering around the apartment in my usual sleepwear. My ass is practically falling out of my [shorts](http://www.polyvore.com/rennight/set?id=188649284) as it is so the sweater will help cover that. It smells like cologne, and it's comforting. A familiar smell that puts me at ease and forces me to nuzzle closer with the collar pulled up to my nose.

Through the windows I can see the snow has slowed down thanks to the street lights. If it wasn't so cold, I would enjoy it a little more. At least I have no where to be.

My slow steps bring me to the bedroom door, pushing it open to let the least amount of light into the room as possible as I step out into the living room. I close it behind me and look up to find Erwin on the couch; a cup of coffee beside him and a pencil in hand. The notes scribbled on the loose leaf paper gives the indication it's school related. He glances up and gives me a little smile, clearly breaking his concentration from the work he's doing.

“Sorry... I didn't realize you were still awake.”

Doing work this late, he must hate being interrupted. Now I'm an asshole for disrupting him with my concern for saving hydro. Then again, has he always stayed up this late? I've been living with the guy for months and I haven't discovered any of this?

“That's alright. It's nothing important.”

I get the feeling he's saying that so I don't feel bad. Although, he does drop the pencil on the coffee table and take a long sip of his coffee. At least it smells good. Hot chocolate has always been my hot beverage of choice. The more sugar, the better.

“School work?”

“It is. It's something small to help my brain get back to sleep.”

Then that coffee better be decaf or he's in for a rough night.

I take a few more steps towards him and tilt my head to look at the scribbles notes he has scattered along the margins. His hand writing is fairly neat- way better than mine. I have no clue what he's writing about, but it looks complicated.

“Couldn't sleep?”

His voice tells me he's in the same boat I am. Tired, but unable to shut off your brain.

“I guess so.”

That might be the reason such a small light could pull me out of a dead sleep. I'm not a heavy sleeper for one thing, and after my small nap in the car, I could be up for another few hours. That was a stupid decision on my part.

My fingers grab lightly at the buttons on the front of Levi's sweater. I'm sure by this point, Erwin has noticed I don't own anything like this. I shuffle over to the couch and sit on the edge of the cushion, my toes burying themselves in the soft wool of the area rug. I notice Erwin giving me an intriguing look out of the corner of my eye, like he wants to know what I'm thinking right now.

“What are you in school for?”

After all this time I've never asked him that. Of course I overheard the conversations about school between him and his parents, but there was never a definitive answer about what he was studying.

“Political science.”

“Sounds boring.”

He gives a simple laugh at my comment, which I'm sure he hears way too often. That would be why I can't make a lick of sense out of anything he's written so far. Way too many names that I'm unfamiliar with. Politics has never been something I've been fond of. From my point of view, all political people are assholes. Governments are corrupt, and everything is going to Hell in a hand basket.

“It can be. But, I'm hoping to get somewhere with it.”

“Like, work for the president or something?”

“Something like that.”

And here I was thinking Erwin was a huge jock. For some reason I always thought he would go to school for sports or to become a gym teacher, not go to study economics and law. Don't judge a book by it's cover I guess.

I'm a little envious of Erwin to begin with. This guy has had the life I've always wanted. His future is paved out on a road of sunshine and fucking rainbows. He's smart, charming, popular. Hell, is there anything he's missing? He's the kind of guy everyone wants to slap on the cover of a high selling magazine.

“That doesn't catch your interest at all?”

He's joking of course. The look on my face tells him everything. I'm staring at the page of names like it barfed all over my lap. I've always hated school to begin with, most of that having to do with my high school experience. If I were to go to College, what would I want to study?

“Not particularly. I'm actually surprised it catches yours.”

“Never pegged me as the type, huh?”

I shake my head, feeling a little embarrassed for knowing so little about a guy that's been under the same roof as me for the past few months. I've never once looked into his room or anything, so I know little to nothing about his interests. So far my information is coming from the few pictures his parents had strung up in the hallway- perfect back up to my jock theory.

“To be fair, it was my parents who pushed me into this.”

“They did?”

“I never intended to get into higher education, but they wanted me to get schooling for something that could give me a better career.”

Isn't that the exact opposite of what you should do?

“I hated it at first, but eventually found it fascinating. There was so much I didn't know and now it's an addiction.”

I chuckle quietly to myself thinking of Erwin wide eyed, pupils dilating at the sight of a political text book; getting high off knowledge. To each their own.

“So, you aren't mad at your parents for forcing you into it?”

“I'm not mad, no. I understand they wanted me to push myself to be better. They only wanted what was best for me in the long run, since I wasn't planning on doing anything after high school anyways.”

In that case, Erwin would have ended up like me; working at a minimum wage job until something better comes up, and the chances are slim to none. No one wants to give professional employment to someone who isn't smart enough for it, especially if there's someone next in line who's more than qualified.

“They've always been a little strict. They didn't want me living with them forever, so they gave me a nudge out of the nest. I don't resent them for it, in fact. it's the exact opposite.”

Clearly they didn't do a terrible job raising him or he wouldn't be so successful. As an only child, I'm sure there's some pressure on him to do well and make his family proud. If I were them, I would be buying him a gold plated car. He's the kind of son everyone wants- the kind my father wanted me to be.

“Was everything alright today? My parents didn't weird you out too much did they?”

Weirded out? Far from it. He said they were strict, but I never got a drop of that. I know I was only a guest, but both of them were kind and never raised their voice once. They both looked like a couple of teenagers when the four of them were playing cards. It was heartwarming.

“No. They were nice. Your mother is a sweet person.”

“I'm glad to hear that. She can be a little... outspoken sometimes.”

I get the feeling all mother's are like that. They aren't afraid to tell you what they don't like or what's right and wrong. They need to be straight forward for their children so I'm sure that comes attached to their personality.

“Erwin... did you say anything to them... about me?”

“Like what?”

“Like... about my family, or what I've been doing to myself.”

I know he's not clueless. As hard as I tried to cover my arms all the time, I would often forget to put a sweater on before he got home, or I would accidentally tug my sleeves up while cooking and helping with the dishes. For someone as smart as him, I would be mind blown to learn he had no idea I was hurting myself. I'm pretty sure he knew the first day I started living with them.

His eyes lower back down to the paper and I know he isn't staring at it because he wants to start working again. He must have known this whole time and never called me out on it. I really don't know how much Levi has told him, but despite their close relationship, there are several things they don't know about each other or refuse to say. I might be on the list of those topics.

“I did...”

Figures. It seemed a little too convenient that nothing personal became a topic of interest to his mother. She never questioned why I decided to have Thanksgiving with them instead of my own family, unless I was like Levi and didn't have one. You'd think that would be the first thing she would ask me about.

“I only told them you were going through a rough time and not to pry.”

“So, no details?”

“I figured you wouldn't want them knowing your life story.”

“And... how much do you know exactly?”

His hands clasp together in front of him as he leans over slightly to place his elbows on his knees. It's a pose I've seen him do a little too often when he's hunched over his laptop dealing with school work. He's pondering something, or thinking of the right words to say.

“I know enough. Not in detail, but it wasn't too hard to piece together.”

“What do you mean?”

“The first night you stayed here. I found your sweater in the garbage... on top of that, you were upset about breaking up with your boyfriend. I also found it odd that you came to live here instead of with your family, so I drew my own conclusion.”

Shit. I thought I hid my sweater well enough. I should have burned the bloody thing or thrown it in the outside dumpster so no one would know it was mine. It was stupid of me to think Erwin wouldn't notice or would glance past a blood soaked hunk of fabric in the kitchen garbage can.

“Levi was also acting weird before and after you showed up. It was like he was walking on eggshells around me, and he only does that when there's something serious he doesn't want to talk about.”

His head tilts towards me and I meet his blue eyes for a short second before I glance down to focus my attention on my fingers tugging at the sleeve of the sweater. I always feel the need to give my hands something to do whenever I'm feeling uncomfortable. I can only blame myself though, for bringing up this stupid conversation.

”I figured you weren't completely clueless.”

“I had my suspensions.”

“Then... why didn't you say anything?”

Not that I'm complaining, but Erwin is the kind of person to be overly concerned for people and want to help. Did him not confronting me mean that he didn't care enough?

“That isn't the kind of thing you talk openly about to just anyone. If I had said something to you, would you have honestly told me anything?”

“...Probably not.”

“I didn't want to push you into anything. All I could do was wait, and be there in case there ever was a time when you wanted to talk.”

The whole reason for me hiding my sweater and being so paranoid about him seeing my arms was because I didn't want to tell him anything, or that he would see me as a different person. It turns out he never thought badly of me at all, and was just waiting for me even when he knew the truth all along. Erwin never crossed my radar as a person to talk to, even when Levi wasn't around.

“Is it...still alright for me to talk to you sometimes?”

Not now, but when I need to.

“Of course it is. That's what I'm here for.”

I smile lightly and tug the sweater closer to my neck to keep me a little warmer. If it was easy enough for me to talk to his mother, it shouldn't be so hard to talk to Erwin. He's been there for me, even if I've never noticed it. He was the one who invited me out to his parents house and out to the Halloween party- although I never ended up going. Those were his ways of helping me get my mind of things, a lot like Levi suggests watching a movie. They were subtle, but it meant he cared.

“Thank you for that.”

There's a firm pressure on the side of my head where Erwin has ruffled my hair like a father would when congratulating his son. It's playful and I swat him off before he can mess it up more than it already is. I've accumulated bed head after a couple hours sleep and it's bound to get worse when morning rolls around.

A warm feeling flutters in the bottom of my stomach and I can't help the smile on my face as an embarrassed blush forms across my cheeks. I glance to the side to the closed door when Levi is fast asleep on the other side. He's the reason I'm still here. I've been too focused on the past and I need to move on. Isn't that what he told me? That I'm the one who needs to make the decision to push forward. I don't deny that I'm scared of doing that. There are too many things that I won't know the outcome of, but there's no way to enjoy the things I have now if my mind is clouded with regrets and mistakes.

I know what my first step has to be, and it doesn't involve talking to someone. I need to get rid of the things holding me back, that small things that are keeping me grounded and clawing at the back of my head. Cut the negative things out of my life.

I turn back to Erwin who has raised one of his bushy eyebrows at me for my sudden silent trance at the door. All I can offer is a reassuring look that lets him know everything is alright. I'm a little nervous, and maybe even scared, but I know what comes next for me.

“There's something I need to do.”

I hop up from the couch and bound back over to the door, giving Erwin a final glance before I duck into the bedroom and return to complete darkness. I know the layout of Levi's room off by heart so it's not like I need a bunch of light to guide me to the bed.

My hands are the first thing to come in contact with the soft sheets, the duvet slightly puffed up from where Levi's legs are underneath. Max gives me a couple of sleepy blinks from the end of the bed before dozing off again. My spot had gone cold by now with Levi's arm draped across the blank space as if I'm still there. I sit on my feet with my hands in my lap to observe him for only a moment. I've never seen him look so... at peace. The lines across his brow have softened in a way I've never seen before.

Is he really that happy with me? I don't understand how I've improved his life at all. This whole time it felt like I was making it worse. He's been putting me ahead of everything, and it's because he wants to. I need to stop questioning my worth, or trying to get in his mind to know how he sees me. All I need to know is he loves me and has been the best thing that's ever come of my shit show life. I'm happy with him and that's all that matters now.

My fingers start to trace the outline of his tattoo, leaning over to place my hand in front of me on the bed so I don't fall over. It's sloppy, but I can make out the design in the crummy street lighting just beyond the curtains. I end at his shoulder and head back down to his bicep as delicately as I can. I came in here to wake him up for a specific reason, but after seeing him so peaceful, I'll feel like an asshole.

A light groan reaches my ears and I pull my hand back as if I've been burnt. It's not a crime to touch your boyfriend while he's sleeping, but I'm making it seem like it is. Levi's eyes crack open slightly as he rolls onto his back to see me better. It's a dead give away it's me and not some intruder by how small my frame is. I'm not the least bit threatening.

“Eren... what's wrong?”

His voice is groggy from sleep and it's a lot deeper than it normally sounds, but it's still loving and melts my heart whenever I hear it. His eyes are watered slightly from just being woken up and it makes them look shiny- and here I was thinking they couldn't look any more beautiful.

It's natural for him to think something is wrong when I'm still awake in the middle of the night. I wish he wasn't so good at sensing that sort of thing so he could sleep soundly without worrying about me. I bet he sleeps with one eye open just in case.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

I shake my head before realizing there's a good chance he didn't see it.

“No, nothing like that. I'm alright. I'm... sorry for waking you.”

Sleep is the last thing Levi cares about. He has dark circles under his eyes for a reason. I know he's not a morning person, but I don't think he's an afternoon person either. He's tired all the time, but I'm glad he's been getting a little more rest recently.

“Can't sleep?”

I nod and apparently he notices, shifting himself up against the headboard so he's not looking up at me. His hand finds its way to my cheek and I instinctively lean into it, sighing lightly as his thumb grazes bellow my eye. I've never wanted to curl up beside him so badly in my life, but there's something more important that I need to get done first. I can worry about sleeping later.

“I guess not... I've just been thinking.”

“About?”

“There's... something I want you to help me with.”

“And what's that?”

I play with my thumbs in my lap, a little nervous to say anything. I know he's been waiting for this since I moved in with him. What I'm about to do isn't just for me.

“I-I'm... ready to move forward.”

I take a slow breath, steadying my voice so I don't sound scared. I shouldn't be afraid of doing something that will benefit me in the long run. I've managed to survive this long. This is what I need; a fresh start, a way to forget about the stupid decisions I've made in my life and all the pain I've had to suffer through over the past several years. It's my turn to heal, it's my time to live.

“I'm ready to throw them out.”

 


	39. Chapter 39

Levi didn't waste any time in pulling himself out of bed. What I thought would be a simple process of throwing my blades in the trash turned out to be something completely different. I followed him around the bedroom as he pulled on a shirt and headed deeper into his closet to pull out a small box where he'd been keeping my razors. I never thought to look in the closet, not that I was looking to begin with. That never crossed my mind.

I was ready to grab them from him to chuck them out the window, but he ended up getting something else and taking my hand to lead me out of the room. Erwin was still there and gave us both a questionable look, wondering why we were both still conscious instead of passed out. I really wish I had an answer for him.

My coat was nearly thrown at me and I got the hint to put it on despite the millions of questions I wanted to ask. I pulled on my boots shortly after and Levi grabs his keys before taking my hand again when we're both ready. All I could do was follow him out of the apartment and down a few flights of stairs until we were in the parking lot.

“Levi, where exactly are we going?”

“You'll see when we get there.”

My pouting does nothing for him and I decide to stay silent and situate myself in the car. He tosses a few things in the backseat, and if it weren't so dark outside, I'd be able to see everything he brought. It's more than a little confusing to me.

I sigh lightly and rest my head against the cold glass of the window, staring off into the city as we pull onto the road. Everything is so peaceful at night. I've always enjoyed it more than the busyness of the daytime. The world looks so different. There aren't many people out tonight, but the few who are are enjoying what's left of the snowfall with a cup of freshly brewed coffee.

We end up driving out of the city until nothing can be seen of it except for a few lights and the warm glow in the sky. I'm left to look around like an idiot wondering where Levi decided to take me- for whatever reason. My questions remain unanswered when he turns the car off next to a bridge. He's the first to get out and I do so shortly after a little more cautiously.

“Where are we?”

“Somewhere we won't be bothered.”

Not as specific as I'd like.

I walk around the car to find him pulling everything out of the back seat and placing it on top of the trunk. The single street light lets me see what he's dragged out here. The first being the box with my sins inside and the second being a smaller wooden box; one that you might find at a craft store. Complete with a small metal clasp at the front to keep it locked shut. I glance at him a little confused, but he doesn't notice. He's too busy placing my blades in the wooden box.

The last step ends with him leaning over to grab a handful of gravel to accompany the blades before he locks the tiny box. Everything else gets tossed in the backseat again with no further use. His hand finds mine and he leads me further onto the bridge until I can see the river flowing underneath it. I thought I heard the sound of running water. That's normally what bridges are used for after all.

I take a step up onto the ledge next to the railing, leaning slightly to see the small waves under my feet. This place is really beautiful for being so close to a city. I never knew this was here. Either side of the bridge is covered in trees that remind be of the giant evergreens Armin and I used to climb when we were little. I never could reach the top though. I got stuck once and my father had to climb up to get me. I never attempted that again.

“How did you know this was here?”

There's not a car in sight for miles. It's tricking my brain the believe we're in the middle of no where- away from civilization, when the city is still within view. It makes me feel like a kid again.

“I've known for a while. I used to come here all the time.”

As if this place couldn't get any better; you can even see a few stars. Nothing at all like the country, but it's way better than the black blanket you get back at the apartment. The snow has let up enough for the clouds to clear and the view is stunning.

“It's beautiful.”

Warm arms wrap around my waist as a soft breath touches my ear causing me to shiver. I lean back a little with my arms on the railing to stable myself as Levi joins me on the ledge, his chin resting against the dip of my neck. My back is pressed flush to his chest, sending that cliche butterfly feeling in my stomach. I love every second.

A small noise finds its way up my throat when Levi's hand comes up in front of my chest; displaying the small box he's prepared a few moments ago. I reach out to touch it, grazing my fingers across the soft wood, down the to golden painted lock that keep my mistakes stuck inside. Who would have thought something so small could rip me apart. A few sharp edges will turn into a lifetime of regrets.

Levi lets me take the box from his hand to inspect every corner. It weights a considerable amount thanks to the bundle of rocks thrown in with the metal. It's awfully heavy for something so small. Why exactly were rocks needed in the first place?

“Throw it.”

“Throw it?”

He decides in that moment to hold me closer while I stare long and hard at the tiny box. Technically, I will be throwing them out, but it won't be in a place where I can get them again. Once they leave my hand, they're gone for good. That's the point of the rocks; To make them sink.

I've had these stupid things for as long as I can remember. They were always there at the old house, even when I was little. I never knew what they were until I saw my father take one out of the package to replace the ones on his shaver. I only ended up taking them for myself once my mother died. I don't think he ever noticed. Parents are stupidly oblivious to anything their kids do. They like to believe they know everything, but everyone has their dark secrets.

I'm hesitating. I shouldn't be. I'm making such a big deal about throwing a stupid box into a river. This was my choice. There's no way in hell I'm backing out. I don't need these anymore and my mind shouldn't be so concerned about the future. Sure, they won't be there when I'm upset, but I have something better; someone who can hold me when I cry, or wipe away my tears when I have no strength left. That's all I need.

I let myself relax to take a final breath, leaning back a small amount to lift my arm over my head, snapping it forward to release the box from my hand. It's just large enough to see, even with the shadows arching over the river. I watch it land in the water with a gentle splash, the ripples spreading out to the bridge in an endless motion. The weight is gone from my palm, along with the weight from my chest.

The box surfaces for a short second until it's pulled underwater and out of view. I know what I want in life, and it doesn't come from a sharp edge. They ended up hurting me more than helping. It's been awhile since the thought of using them has crossed my mind. I have new friends and a new family, so it's time to put my old life behind me.

“How do you feel?”

The jolt I make is involuntary. I almost forgot Levi's lips were so close to my ear. The quiet air around us amplifies his voice and every other noise coming from the trees or the water hitting the supports of the bridge.

“I'm alright. I feel a lot better.”

That's the absolute truth. Several months ago, I never would have been able to do this. I had sunk so low as to bring the blades with me when I moved in with Levi; afraid I would need them if my emotions got out of control. Now here I am, watching them sink to the bottom of the river and not once batting an eye. I'm not upset they're gone. Having Levi support me all the way made it so much easier.

“I'm so proud of you.”

Somehow, I manage a blush in negative temperatures. The water bellow us won't stay that way for much longer. Winter is around the corner and that tiny box will be frozen under a few inches of ice.

“Levi...I-I want to thank you... for all of this.”

For taking me somewhere so beautiful, holding me while my largest burden leaves my shoulders. It means so much more than going around the back of the apartment and tossing them into an overstuffed dumpster.

His response is a simple kiss, brushing his cold lips across my cheek to contrast the heat of my face. I should have brought a hat now that the tips of my ears are going numb. I can ignore the cold for now, this place is so peaceful that I never want to leave.

Levi finds one of my cold hands and takes it gently, leading me back to the car until I tug on his sleeve to catch his attention. It's not very often that's it's only the two of us like this. Not even the distant cars know we're here. The moment is too special to simply leave and go home.

“Could we... stay here a little longer?”

“If that's what you want.”

I bet if I asked him to go skinny dipping with me he would agree. He'll put up with anything and give me whatever I want. I still don't deserve him. He keeps leading me to the car, but instead of getting inside, he hops up on the trunk and pulls me beside him. I join him eagerly and rest my back against the rear windshield. The metal is cool, but that will change with enough time.

My grip on Levi's hand doesn't loosen in the slightest as we both lean back to stare off at the dark blanket covering the sky. I end up snuggling closer to place my head on his chest as if we're in a bed rather than being on top of a car. He pulls the hood of my coat over my head to block out the small amount of wind turning the tip of my nose into an ice block.

The silence between is is comfortable, but I can't help but want to interrupt it. We're finally alone together and there are so many things I've been wanting to ask him. On top of that, there a hundreds of things I need to tell him. I can't let everything fly over our heads like it's nothing. When am I ever going to get a chance like this again?

The only thing I'm afraid of is turning into a blubbering idiot. It's always the same. The last thing I want to do is ruin a special moment like this with crying. At least there won't be anyone else around to hear it, but this is a time for me to be happy. Screw it. He's my boyfriend. He deserves to know everything. All these small details I've been hiding from him are only hurting our relationship. I can't keep secrets from him and expect things to be okay. I've learned that lesson the hard way.

“Levi... you said before, that you wanted me to tell you about my father...”

His weight under my cheek shifts a small amount to let me know he was caught off guard by what I had to say. He's looking at me, but I'm staring straight ahead and keeping my voice as calm as I possibly can.

“Eren, you don't have to tell me now-”

“I want to.”

That shuts him up pretty quickly. Getting rid of my razors was my first step to healing. Talking about everything else is my second. My father is the person that keeps me up at night even when he's off living his own life. I haven't seen him in years, yet he controls everything I do. It's not healthy. I should be seeking therapy, but Levi is someone more important who needs to know.

“I told you that he hurt me... but, I never explained what he did.”

I'm sure he assumed it was physical, but it wasn't his fists that hurt me the most. The emotional scarring he left on my brain damaged me in ways I never thought possible. He forced me to question myself, to believe I'm worthless and everything I had ever done was wrong. A father shouldn't do that to his own family. I looked up to him; every little boy does.

“Well...he went through my phone one night when I was working and found the conversations I'd been having with Jean. I'd been dating him for a year or so already and I never told anyone.”

It's not like they were regular conversations either. The numerous amount of hearts and winky faces were enough of a give away we were together. Not to mention the pictures we took together when we were bored at work with kissing involved. There was no way I could deny anything.

“He confronted me about it when I got home and started yelling at me, telling me to break up with him because it was wrong.”

That was the last time I remember standing up for myself. I had no idea if I would ever tell my parents about my sexual preference, but there was no way of getting out of that conversation. Makes me wish I told him when my mother was alive. But a small part of me believes she would have treated me differently; that my father's hatred towards it would have influences her own reaction.

“He said I was disgusting...”

Isn't that what they all say? Some how being anything but straight is considered wrong. Who gets to decide that? Where is is written that it's true? I never should have let my father's words hit me so hard, but how could I ignore them when it's something my own family says? I was still oblivious to the fact he didn't love me, not like he should.

“He thought I was dating Jean to make him mad, like he'd done something wrong and it was a punishment or something. It became a giant argument and we ended up screaming at each other.”

Mikasa was still at her job that she worked part time after school and I'm glad she wasn't home. When I think about it, maybe I could have said goodbye to her before I ran away, or she could have come downstairs to try to talk some sense into him. Or on the flip side, maybe she would have thought the same thing and hated me. I really have no idea.

“He wanted to know why I refused to break up with Jean and I said it was because I loved him. That's... what set him over the edge.”

Love is a strong word, just as strong as hate. They're two sides of the same coin.

My breath is getting shallow, my hands curling into the fabric of Levi's coat. I wish I could feel the warmth of his skin, instead I'm left with a hand full of cotton. He hasn't said a word this whole time, waiting patiently for me to explain what I should have several months ago. I have to take a few breaths to stable myself, trying to play through the night that has been haunting my dreams for years.

“H-he hit me... beat me until I couldn't move...I started bleeding...”

Crap, my voice is cracking. Levi seems to notice because his fingers start threading through my hair like they have so many times before. That's what he does whenever I wake up at night and try to get back to sleep. I'm latched onto his other hand for dear life, squeezing it to make sure he's still with me.

“I-I was scared... a-and confused. He was always so nice to me... then... it was like he was a completely different person. I-I tried to tell him to stop, but... he said I deserved it; screaming that I was worthless a-and how I should go to Hell.”

We were never a super religious family, but hearing him say that scared me more than anything. My own father was telling me to die and burn. The one person I had left to trust was throwing me into the gutter and carving up every last bit of happiness out of my heart with a dull knife. My mind was numb and I lost all will to fight back.

“I ran away from home...but... I still see him, Levi. My nightmares... they aren't just about my mother. I-I keep reliving that night over and over again. I...I'm afraid he'll find me, and hurt me again, that he'll hunt me down. I-I'm afraid he'll-”

Levi shushes me softly, combing my bangs to the side while I press a balled up hand to my lips to silence my rambling. Everything is spewing out at once and it's overwhelming for both of us.

“It's absurd, right? He... probably doesn't love me enough to look for me.”

That thought is both comforting and horrifying. I could have passed him on the street a dozen times by now, and he wouldn't give me the time of day because he doesn't care. He'd be happier if he never saw my face again. I've convinced myself of that and it wasn't too hard.

“You're better off without him, Eren. You don't need that kind of shit in your life.”

“B-but he's my father... I'm supposed to love him no matter what.”

“You're not obligated to love anyone. He hurt you, and that's reason enough not to like him. I understand it's difficult for you, but you don't need to stay loyal to the man who abused you.”

The venom in his voice is obvious, but not directed at me. If I locked Levi and my father in a room together something tells me Levi would be the only one coming out alive. He's never met the guy, and he doesn't have to. Neither of us will meet each others parents, but I'd like the believe my mother would have loved Levi as much as I do. I'm betting anything Mikasa would have given him a death glare like she'd done so many other times whenever she saw me with Armin at recess.

“I always have these thoughts, like what would have happened if I'd broken up with Jean to make my father happy, or if I'd kept my mouth shut and let him yell at me.”

“You're strong for doing what you did. If he can't accept you, then that's his loss. You shouldn't have to bend to everyone's will, or change yourself to fit some unrealistic mold. Even if you had listened to your father, can you honestly tell me you'd be happier like that?”

It's a tough call when I think about it. Would I rather be someone fake and have everyone accept and love me, or be the person I really am and have the wold look down on me like I'm disgusting. Of course, not everyone think that way, but until I'm told otherwise, it's as if every person I pass is staring at me and judging based on my orientation. When they see me holding hands with a boy instead of a girl, they've already formed an opinion on me whether I like it or not.

“Levi... have you ever wanted to be straight?”

His face lowers to meet my eyes and he looks confused- no surprise there. I brought it up like a teacher would ask a student what they want to be when they grow up. I'm curious, that's all. I've thought the same thing over and over again. I've tried to imagine where I would be right now if it weren't for my interest in guys- that somehow trumps my similar interest in girls, and anyone else for that matter.

“Not really. My life wouldn't be any different besides a little less bullying back in high school.”

“But, if you had the choice...”

A soft sigh comes from his lips and his breath frosts until it floats up and disappears in front of him. I'm starting to wonder if I'm annoying him. I'm asking stupid question that aren't relevant; things that won't change our lives no matter how badly I want them to.

“Eren, you shouldn't think about that. I know it's caused some problems for you, but there's no sense in wishing for things to be different. There's nothing wrong with being gay.”

Words cluster in my throat and I clench onto his coat a little tighter than I was before. After all this time, Levi doesn't know. I suppose it's never come up before, but there's no harm in telling him.

“I...I'm not gay.”

“You're not fooling anyone.”

I snort slightly and snuggle closer, listening my grip in favor of toying with the coat zipper running all the way down to his waist. He looks good in black. It matches his hair and his dark eyes. Call me weird.

“I'm pan.”

“Is that so.”

“I...I probably should have told you sooner, but it never came up. That... doesn't change anything for you, right?”

“I don't see why it would. We both love dick. End of story.”

My nose staunches up at his blunt statement and I slap his chest lightly as my own sort of reply. He has a way with words, that's for sure. His humor drops at such odd times, but it's when I need it most. I'd rather be smiling at something stupid, than be upset thinking about the past. My heart is a lot lighter than it was before. I don't mind if Levi knows all my thoughts, as odd as they can be.

“Have you ever wanted to see your father again, Levi?”

“The man abandoned me, so I could care less if he's rotting in a ditch right now.”

“What about your birth father?”

He falls silent, letting a pause float between us and giving me a chance to readjust myself to prop my chin on his chest, watching the thoughts pass through his eyes. Of course he would hate his step father, anyone would given the circumstances, but he's never spoken about the man who's blood runs through his veins. He's never even met him.

“If I did see him, I wouldn't know what to say.”

“Have you ever seen pictures of him?”

“None. Apparently I take after my mother, so I haven't the slightest clue what he looks like.”

His voice has gone soft, nearly inaudible. With each sentence he trails off, incomplete thoughts left hanging like an unfinished story. I'm fueling everything with my curiosity and pointless questions. I shouldn't be the one to make him like this. I did enough digging when I asked him about his friends only to find out they were both dead.

“I'm sorry... I know this isn't any of my business.”

“I don't blame you for wanting answers. I haven't told you very much.”

“Then how about I ask some different questions?”

Nothing family related. I don't want our time together to be wasted on things that will hurt us. I want to know more about Levi as a person, not the parts of his life he regrets. As long as we're together, there's no reason I shouldn't know small details like what annoys him or what kind of food he likes.

“Different how?”

“Well, for one... I still don't know your birthday.”

How embarrassing. We could have damn near passed it already and I was too ignorant to open my mouth and ask. What kind of boyfriend skips their significant others birthday without so much as a kiss? The terrible kind that's what.

“December 25 th .”

“Christmas?”

Well that makes it easy to remember. He huffs out a noise that makes it seem like he hates having his birthday on an already existing holiday. That doesn't make it any less special, although it would be a buzz kill to have everyone celebrating Christmas and have yourself completely forgotten and pushed to the side when it comes to gift giving and the traditional food.

“And what's yours?”

“What?”

“I still don't know your birthday either.”

Looks like we're even.

“March 30 th .”

Nothing too special about that day. It always snows on my birthday as far back as I can remember. It's the gross wet snow that could be mistaken for rain, but it's snow none the less. Not as nice as the fluffy stuff we got today. March is that weird month between winter and spring that can't make up its mind whether it wants to be sunny or down right miserable.

“Can I ask you something else?”

I shift my cheek on his chest, barely seeing his eyes past the hood covering a large portion of my face. He hums a response and a smile creeps onto my face when his legs tangle with mine against the bumper. I should have worn something a little warmer than leggings, so his body heat is inviting.

“Go for it.”

“Favourite colour?”

“Are you serious?”

“I want to know more about you.”

Levi rolls his eyes in a playful way that makes me want to hug him and never let go.

“Does black count?”

“Sort of.”

“If you're not satisfied with that, then I would have to say red.”

Funny, considering his room is decked out in blue.

“Favourite food?”

“I'm not picky.”

“That's not an answer.”

I'm a stickler for details, either that or I'm extremely nosy. How much does anyone know about Levi? I can't picture Erwin asking him these kinds of things, or him bringing them up out of nowhere. I'm not going to stop bugging him until I know everything. It's part of my clingy behavior.

“Then how about you? I can't be the only one answering these.”

“I'll answer all of them after.”

I let him mind wander to think of an answer. If he's never thought about it, then he can't blurt something off the top of his head. It's childish to be asking these things.

“Alright then... pasta.”

“Animal?”

“Wolf.”

“How about your favourite holiday?”

“Thanksgiving, since it's the least commercialized and more about the people around you rather than food or gifts.”

I open my mouth to ask more, but he places a finger on my lips to silence me for a moment so he can say a few words himself. I don't talk a lot, but when I do I never shut up about the smallest things, mainly wanting questions that would drive anyone insane.

“I want your answers now, before you forget.”

“Well... I love green, as for food, I'm more of a dessert person so definitely black forest cake. You already know I love cats, and Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. Now that I know it's also your birthday, I have even more reason to love it.”

The finger that was once on my lips, slides down to my chin, lifting it slightly and I inch forward on my own until Levi's lips are just milometers away. His breath is so warm and smells like mint and fresh tea. I move before he can, sealing our lips together and crawling onto him like a child, straddling his waist with my hands supporting me on his chest. No one being around means I'm free to do whatever I want. No fear of someone seeing and criticizing how touch-y feel-y we're being at the moment.

My lips part slightly, allowing him to slip his tongue against mine in a way that sends chills down my spine. It's soft, but heated at the same time. His palm is resting against the back of my neck, pulling me closer- not that he needs to because I'm clinging to him already.

The kiss calms after awhile and I'm left to pant softly, looking down at those lidded eyes that I love too much. It feels like I'm blushing, but it's the cold air nipping at my skin that's making the tip of my nose red as well as my cheeks. It doesn't seem to be affecting Levi as much- the guy has his own insulation for god sakes. I'm jealous.

“Are you cold?”

“A little. I'm alright though.”

“Once we get back to the apartment, I can warm you up.”

Another one of my little squeaks and my eyes widen slightly and heat floods my body from how nonchalantly Levi can say things like that. 'Warm me up' isn't going to consist of a bunch of blankets and a scalding cup of tea. It will, however, involve a bed. I don't mind at all, I just wish I could respond to him like a normal person.

“Only if Erwin isn't still awake.”

“Then I'm telling him to go to bed or I'll knock him out.”

I roll my eyes with a smirk, knowing full well Levi would do something like that if he was desperate. He would have no problem shoving his friend into another room and locking the door shut if it meant we could be alone. Sex isn't something that happens on a regular basis, so a window of fifteen minutes is all we need.

I glance to the side to slip my hand into his coat pocket to pull out his car keys, dangling them playfully in front of his face before he gets my hint and snatches them from my grip. It doesn't take him all day to pick up on subtle hints. I shift myself off his lap, allowing him to get up and back onto solid ground. He's eager to get home that's for sure.

“Levi...”

He's already at the driver side door by the time I call his name, taking one last look around the bridge and past all the trees blocking out sections of the sky. My head and heart are so light it feels like I'm in a dream, and I never want to wake up. He glances at me with a hum, wondering why I'm lagging behind so much.

“Would it be alright if we came back here sometime?”

I really is beautiful. Makes me wonder what it looks like in broad daylight, or when a sheet of snow isn't covering the trees or the rocks on the shore. Having this be a special area Levi and I can come to sounds amazing, just the two of us when we want to be alone and away from the rest of society. It holds a place in my heart and won't ever leave. This is the spot where my life changed, where I got rid of the weight on my shoulders next to the person I love. Nothing could be better than that.

“Whenever you want, bright eyes.”

 


	40. Chapter 40

Ever since I found out Levi's birthday is on Christmas, I've been trying to think of possible gifts that won't be mistaken for the typical holiday present. I even went so far as to ask Petra which was the biggest mistake ever. She suggested doing a strip tease to which I instantly went red and left the room as quickly as possible.

As fate would have it, I came up blank and even now I have no clue. It's Christmas morning and I'm left tossing in bed out of pure frustration for being the worst boyfriend ever. Of course I got him gifts for Christmas, but nothing you would consider special or amazing that only I could give him. Besides, I think Erwin bought better gifts than me anyways.

I've been glancing at the clock every five minutes, wondering how Levi will react when he finds out I had no clue what to get him for his birthday. It's hard to distinguish two holidays that involve presents and celebrating. My first thought was to make him a cake or something, but anyone could do that, so I scrapped the idea.

The little red numbers read 8 on the clock before I make any attempt at moving to wake Levi up. It's this guilt gnawing at me from the inside that drives me to snuggle closer and place a soft kiss on his cheek. I don't stray too far from the blankets if the snow outside is any indication of the temperature. It's nice to see snow on Christmas though; it's better than grass and dirt.

The small kiss manages to wake him up with a small groan as he flips onto his side so our faces are inches apart. His fingers play with my hair as usual as he squints against the light coming in from between the curtains. He never manages to close them all the way.

“Morning.”

I love his voice when he's tired. It's a few octaves deeper, but also quiet and a little disoriented. Not to mention his hair is messier when he wakes up and that in combination of his lack of clothing is the best thing to see in the morning. He usually starts with a t-shirt on before bed, but somehow loses it through out the night.

My fingertips play with the chain around his neck with no real reason. I want to keep the look of disappointment off my face so I don't ruin his day. I'm stupid for overreacting about my lack of gift giving. It's our first Christmas and birthday together and I wanted it to be special.

Levi's palms graze my bare arm all the way up to the tiny strap holding up my shirt. I get cold chills when he touches anywhere near my neck as he's found out before. He traces the length of my neck down to my collarbone until he get to my chin, lifting it slightly so our lips can press together. The kiss is soft and warm- not helping my cold chill situation.

“Um, Levi...”

He hums and meets my eyes until I'm forced to look away with embarrassment.

“There wasn't anything specific you wanted for your birthday, was there?”

I can't help it. I should have asked him that several days ago, but my procrastination knows no bounds. Even if he says there is, it's not like I can run out to the store and get him anything today. Why did I even bother asking now?

“Not exactly. Why?”

I want to feel relieved with that, but is he just saying it because he can sense I'm freaking out about the whole thing?

“I... I wanted to get you something special, but I couldn't think of anything.”

“Eren, you could give me a bag of rocks you found outside and I'd think it was special. I don't really care.”

“But that's the thing. I don't want to buy you something that any other person could get.”

He sighs quietly in the voice I know all too well, telling me I'm taking a big deal about nothing and I shouldn't worry so much. I can tell all of that with a simple breath of air.

“Holidays mean more than gifts, Eren. You being here is enough for me.”

God, how sappy can he get? I'm forced to blush and roll my eyes a little. I'm part of the crowd who loves the commercialized part of the holidays. Every day on the ride home from work I gawk at all the displays in the store windows, or the lights hanging from the street signs and the Christmas music that plays in the shops. I can't help but get sucked in. Adding a birthday on top of that is even worse.

“I still wanted to get you something...”

“Can I offer a suggestion then?”

I perk up instantly and nod my head, a little curious to know what Levi would want. I covered the basics with my Christmas gifts, like tea and art supplies along with a few new clothes. As long as he doesn't' bring up any of those things, it should be fine.

Instead of words, he reaches over the edge of the bed to pull out an average sized gift bag, complete with a ribbon and tons of tissue paper. He places it on my lap once I sit up right and I give him the most questionable look I've given anyone. Why am I the one getting gifts right now?

“Um... shouldn't this be the other way around?”

He leans into place his lips against my neck, kissing so lightly that I shiver against the touch. What exactly is he getting at?

“Go into the bathroom and put that on. I want to see you when you're done.”

So it's clothing. That's a dead give away. So, his gift from me is getting to see me in what he bought? Funny thing is, why is it under his bed and not out under the tree like the rest of the presents?

I lightly shove him off before I get all worked up before grabbing the bag. Levi is giving me this smirk and I can't help but question what weird shit he's making me wear. He's bought me clothes before and I loved them, so I shouldn't expect anything less.

I pad into the bathroom, placing the bag on the back of the toilet and jump into the shower. If this is his gift, I want to make damn sure I don't look like a street rat. I go the extra length to condition my hair and shave every last part of me so I look perfect for him. I'm leaving the surprise until I'm fully ready to get dressed.

I dry myself off rather quickly and find a bottle of lotion in the cupboard. It smells good, so that's a bonus. Every inch of me is super soft, which even I'm enjoying right now. I finish blow drying my hair and fixing it slightly so it doesn't stick up in twenty different directions, and reach for the package sitting behind me. He did an amazing job of wrapping it.

When I pull out the white fabric a instantly turn red and drop the clothes back in the bag. There's no way. Where the hell did he buy this shit? I pad over to the door to poke my head out slightly, keeping the rest of my naked body hidden behind it.

“Levi... are you sure you want me to wear that?”

“Positive. And make sure that's the _only_ thing you're wearing.”

I blush harder and hide back in the bathroom. This is my own fault for wanting to get him something so badly. I swear Levi was planning this, or he knew I was coming up blank. I head back to the gift bag to pull out the lacy fabric, trying to look at the stuff with a straight face. There's no point delaying this. I've worn thigh highs before, but not while the rest of me is completely bare.

The silky [socks](http://guideimg.alibaba.com/images/shop/105/02/11/2/eubuy-hot-sexy-lace-garter-belt-suspender-straps-with-thong-stockings_1881542.jpg) slide on easily enough along with the small band of fabric to go around my waist. The clasps are a pain in the ass, but once I figure them out, they're not so bad. You're supposed to wear panties with this sort of thing, but surprise surprise, Levi didn't buy any. I'm only supposed to wear what's in the bag, so I'm going to do what he says. I swear to god if Erwin decides to wake up, I'm going to strangle him.

I clean up the bathroom the best I can and poke my head out of the door again. The coast is clear and the apartment is completely empty. The bedroom is only a short ways away, but I want to surprise Levi, not having him stare at me when I get in there.

“Can you close your eyes?”

“Fine.”

“Don't open them until I say.”

I give him a few seconds before scurrying into the bedroom and closing the door before anyone can see me. Levi is sitting up against the headboard with his eyes closed like I wanted. I feel obligated to cover myself until I reach the bed. I pull the covers off his legs, leaving him vulnerable; in nothing but boxer shorts. I stare for a little too long and curse myself when I feel the blood rush to my crotch.

Pushing that aside, I find my way onto the bed to straddle him. His expression changes drastically and he's getting impatient the more I sit there in silence. It's my own way of teasing him for having me wear something like this.

“Can I open them yet?”

“Yes.”

He doesn't wait another second longer and opens his eyes to find me sitting on him with a blush on my cheeks. At least I washed my hair and shaved. I swear I look like a porn star. Levi's hands are on me in a short amount of time, sliding up my sides and down to my hips as his eyes fall on the skimpy outfit he picked out.

“Fuck, you look amazing.”

“Better than you expected?”

His answer involves pulling me forward into a heated kiss that escalates rather quickly. His tongue is inside my mouth before I realize what hit me, moaning quietly with each small movement. It lasts for a few moments which is long enough to leave me panting and my crotch fully hard. It's been a few weeks since we've touches each other like this.

I jolt slightly, grabbing Levi's shoulders when his finger slides along my tip in slow circles. It's impossible for me not to watch when everything is perfectly within view. It didn't take long for Levi to realize how excited I got from our simple kiss. He may be abusing that a little too much.

“You're easily excitable, aren't you?”

“Y-you already know- ah!”

I arch slightly with a soft moan, trying to prevent myself from moving too much and brushing against his hand. There's that hint of teasing in his voice whenever he wants to fool around, which would explain why he hasn't backed away from my crotch yet. He has no shame when it comes to that. He'd have sex in the middle of a crowd if he was allowed to.

“W-we can't... Erwin might wake up soon and-”

“He's not here.”

“He's not?”

Since when? I didn't hear him leave at any point. Levi could be pulling my chain to convince me to relax a little. I wouldn't put it past him. Most of this is his fault anyways for getting me to wear something so skimpy and expecting him to keep any self control.

“He's out having breakfast with his parents.”

“And you didn't go?”

“I told him we had something planned.”

What a cheeky bastard. He had this sketched out in his head the whole time. All he needed was for me to say the right few words and here we are. The look I give him is the most contorted thing I can pull off. He knows right away I figured him out. No sense complaining about it. We're alone, so I'm fine with that.

“You're unbelievable... in a good way.”

He gives me his low chuckle and leans in to nip at my ear, brushing his lips down to my neck to send a surge of chills down my spine. No matter how many times he does it, he gets the same reaction. It amuses him way too easily. My grip tightens on his shoulders, squinting one eye against the sensation jolting down my side.

“Eren...”

“Y-yes.”

“Is it alright if I make one last request?”

As if the tiny outfit isn't enough. I'll humor him. It is his birthday after all, and as long as it's nothing embarrassing, it's not like I can say no to him. This makes up for me being a shitty person and not getting him anything. I'm never going to live it down.

“Like what?”

His lips return to my ear, his breath hot against my skin and his voice so low and soft I can barely hear him. He knows it drives me insane, and he enjoys doing it. Even now I can feel him hardening underneath me and I haven't so much as moved. It still baffles me how the sight of my body can work him up like that.

“I want you to ride me.”

I can feel my eyes quadruple in size to accompany the high pitched squeak that comes from my mouth. That was the last thing I expected to hear him say, and now I'm beet red at the very thought. To anyone else, it wouldn't be that big a deal, but this is me we're talking about here.

Levi tilts his head like a dog at my reaction as I push myself away form his shoulders to hide my face. This isn't just about me being embarrassed, this is about me being clueless and afraid I'll screw up. Part of me wants to say no, but the other part is screaming to relax and have fun with my damn boyfriend.

“Should I take that as a no?”

“N-no, I never said that.”

“It doesn't look like you want to.”

My eyes are locked on the bed, a little ashamed that I'm making a big deal about something so small. That's what I do. What if he laughs at me? What if I do something wrong? The list is endless and keeps growing in that small, annoying part of my brain.

“Promise you won't laugh...”

“Laugh at what?”

“I...I've never been on top before.”

Without looking at him, I know his eyebrows shoot straight up. He's learning more and more things about me each day when it comes to sexual experience. There are several things I haven't done, but you'd think after having dated someone for three years, we would have done more than two positions, but I was never one to be super creative or experimental when it comes to sex. I've only ever been on my back and stomach and never anywhere crazy. A bed is as crazy as it gets.

“You're serious?”

My nod is small, but I'm sure he sees it. That's not something I would lie about. If I were to lie, I would say I've had sex in every position imaginable, just so I don't seem like a complete amateur and maybe impress him a little, but what's the point? If I can't be up front with my partner, then there's no hope for me. One step at a time here.

I finally lift my eyes to see nothing more than an intrigued look on Levi's face. If anything, I'd say he's happy I know absolutely nothing. I think I did something right for a change.

“What's that look for?”

“Nothing. This just means I get to teach you.”

I never thought someone could sound so pleased with themselves. I hate having to be walked through everything, but once I get comfortable I have a feeling it won't be as difficult as I'm making it sound. How hard can it be to ride a dick? No pun intended.

“O-okay.”

I'm not against that. I lean down to kiss him before reaching across to the side table to grab the bottle of lube he keeps stashed in there. It's nearly gone since Levi isn't skimpy when it comes to prepping me. We'll need to get more at some point, but I'm definitely not buying it alone. Just imagine the look I would get from some innocent girl at the check out.

I pop the cap and squeeze some onto my fingers, lifting my hips to stand on my knees, reaching behind to prod and tease my entrance. Might as well give him a little show while I'm all dressed up for the occasion. There's not hiding the blush on my face, so I don't even try. It's unavoidable at this point.

One finger slides inside easily enough, and the moment I insert the second, Levi is the first one to break. I give a small yelp when he pulls me forward, forcing my member into his mouth; wet heat surrounding my already sensitive skin. I have to remove my fingers to support myself against the headboard. Looks like he doesn't want to wait. Me sitting on him half naked was painful enough that he doesn't want to be teased any longer.

“L-Levi... I- I wasn't ready.”

He hums out a soft moan, echoed shortly by the lewd sounds coming from his lips. It send goosebumps across my arms and I can't help but buck into his mouth like some sort of animal, my forehead pressed against the wall, glancing down at the sight between my legs. A familiar sound of a cap reaches my ears and in a matter of seconds, something presses against my hole.

I swear to god Levi will be the death of me. The moment he inserts his fingers, he heads straight for the small sweet spot inside me. He has it mapped out in his brain just to drive me nuts. It's ironic that he hates being teased, yet he does that exact thing to me. I could care less, as long as he doesn't drag it out for hours. I have my melting points.

The tips of his fingers brush against my prostate, soft enough to feel, but not hard enough to give a strong reaction. All I can do is grit my teeth and grind against his fingers, hoping he gets the idea. I'm being teased in two hyper sensitive spots and I'm losing my mind. That's all part of his plan to get me moaning like a whore; his whore.

“S-stop...I...I want you inside.”

There's a lack of air in my words thanks to him. It doesn't take much for me to finish, and if he keeps that up, I can't be held accountable for what may happen. This is his birthday after all, yet I'm the one getting more pleasure than him- unless of course he enjoys doing it that much. I've never really looked at it the other way.

I find a small amount of strength to push myself away from the wall and he releases my tip with a wet pop along with his fingers. I decide to do the rest and sink down lower to remove his pants, sliding them down his hips to release his hard on that he's been hiding beneath clothes for a solid ten minutes- maybe longer. I toss his pants onto the floor and return to seat myself on his lap; his member pressed between my cheeks and my hands placed on his chest for support.

Levi brings me lower to share a passionate kiss, ignoring everything else to savor each others lips. Something so simple means everything to me. Nothing we do is every desperate or out of the heat of the moment. We're here because we want to cherish every last moment with each other, to feel good together and to be close the way no one else can. I'm his, every last inch, and this is my way of showing him.

I release his lips and back up to get into a better spot. I can't see anything I'm doing as I position myself over him until his tip presses against my tender ring. Levi's hands are on my hips, guiding me and supporting a portion of my weight. It's been pretty straight forward so far with no major complications. Half my problem is trying to fit him inside me.

All I can do is glance over my shoulder in an attempt to guess what to do next. Levi is watching my every move each time my weight shifts. I haven't stopped blushing since we started and it's only going to get worse from this point onward. He spreads me a little wider and I feel him start to push inside, arching his hips only slightly while guiding me down.

“Lower your hips.”

I do as he says as slowly as I can so it won't hurt. My body is used to his size, but that doesn't stop my backside from aching whenever we have sex. I arch a little, curling my hands into fists on his chest. It feels good having him inside me, which must be an odd thing to say. My breathless moans are my own way of telling him what I'm thinking and feeling.

Once he fills me completely, I'm left sitting on his lap like an innocent child. I start to rut myself against the base of his shaft to get a little more comfortable, seeing as this is my first time riding anyone. The angle is different, so it's nothing like the positions I'm used to. Even without moving, he's rubbing against my sweet spot and it's making my skin burn.

“Are you alright?”

“I-I'm fine. It feels a little weird.”

It could be worse. At least my body isn't contorted or something. I know having it like this means I'll need to do most of the moving, but I don't mind a little change of pace. It's better than laying on my stomach and doing nothing.

Levi's hands are on me, sliding up and down my thighs while I shift on top of him. Each time I move, I get a little reaction; one that he tries to cover up. He's never been particularly vocal or expressive during sex, so I always enjoy what small noises he makes. Part of me thinks he purposefully keeps himself quiet so he can hear me better. He gets more worked up the louder I am.

When I start to move properly, he starts to make small gasps; his eyes focused on the way his member disappears inside me. I'm curious to know what kind of view he has, but it's clearly one he's enjoying. I lift myself a little, arching even more when I sit back down to feel a jolt of pleasure wash through my body. I start to whine softly at times with each movement of my hips.

I'm already biting down on my lip which starts to hurt after awhile. I turn to biting down on my thumb as a second option that lasts for a few seconds until Levi brushes his thumb across my chin to get my attention.

“Don't hold back, Eren. Let me hear you.”

Under most circumstances, I would be too embarrassed about being loud, or constantly worrying about what I look like and unable to focus or enjoy anything, but none of those things have crossed my mind at all. On the contrary, I want to be loud for him, to let him see me as I am with no strings attached. I'm just so used to hiding everything that I forget.

My glazed eyes meet his and all I can get out is a nod while he takes a hold of my hand to release it from between my teeth so I can part my lips ever so slightly to let out shallow breaths. I start to lean forward the more I move, supporting myself with my nails clawing lightly at Levi's chest. His hands are spreading me each time I lower myself onto him, rolling my hips to help me and lessen the strain on my legs.

I'm not what you'd call strong, so getting a full body work out while doing this is going to tired me out pretty quickly. I start off slow, nothing too crazy, but it's enough for me to start panting. Everything feels amazing, which might have to do with the lack of sex we've had over he past couple weeks.

When I get a little faster, Levi joins in, lifting me a little to move his own hips, pushing himself deeper and getting me to cry out from pure pleasure. He's doing whatever he can to get me moaning.

I wish I could kiss him, but the position is making that a hard thing to do. I'll have plenty of time to do that when we're done. For now, this is all about him. This is a partial gift after all. He went through the trouble and awkwardness of buying this outfit for me, so I'll need to give him a nice little show so it pays off- since the prepping show didn't last too long.

There's no need to feel nervous or worried about anything when Levi worships my body and loves every last fiber in my being- not matter how broken. He deserves something special and I want to do this for him.

I flip a switch and force him down playfully; pinning his hands to keep them off my hips so I can adjust the way I want. All he does is widen his eyes with a smirk- clearly liking the change of dominance to switch things up.

My legs are aching a little, but I can suck it up. I doubt I'll last too long at this point anyways so they won't be hurting forever. Going through dry spells of no sex definitely takes its toll when it comes to how long I can last. I'm willing to bet it does the same to Levi.

I release his hands and he keeps them in place, following me with his eyes as I lean back, supporting myself on his legs with my arms behind me. I spread my legs and continue where I left off. There's so many lewd noises coming from my entrance that I can't help but blush. It's easier to move like this, and gives Levi a perfect view of everything.

“You look amazing.”

I whine softly with his comment, tilting my head with a moan when his tip hits my prostate. I speed up to feel it again, forgetting all about the burn in my thighs and the way his eyes are devouring me like helpless prey. Each thrust is met with a desperate cry which I had no clue I could make. It's crazy what I'm capable of when I don't give a fuck.

I'm getting into this without any care at all. I want his eyes on me, I want to know what I can do to him and know I'm the only person who gets to see him like this. I'll be as loud as I want and pleasure him to the best of my abilities, even if it's something as simple as moving my hips up and down.

Levi is moving slightly underneath me, whether it be from me or him trying to keep himself still, I can feel it either way. He fills me up entirely and I notice his body jolt each time. There's something arousing about knowing I'm making him feel like this- something that makes me try harder to get him to snap. I want him to finish and say my name.

There's a loud slap of skin on skin each time I fall back onto the base of his shaft, touching his waist to take every last inch. The whole room is starting to sound like some high definition porno thanks to me. I can't form any words, but my whines and moans speak for themselves. Riding a dick isn't as weird or odd as I thought. For once, I'm the one looking down on Levi instead of it being the other way around.

The sound of a cap reaches my ears again, but I'm too busy trying to keep up that I don't know where it came from. My insides are about to melt and the spring in my stomach is coiling so tight that it's a miracle I can keep any sort of composure. I'm starting to pant his name over and over again which is something he loves. I'm not doing it for that sole purpose, but rather, it's something I can't control. Having his name fall from my lips feels so right.

Levi is throbbing inside of me; an indication that he won't last much longer either. His hand wraps around my shaft which has now been coated in lube, stroking me each time I lift my legs. That's something my body wasn't prepared for. It feels so good that I can't stop myself from moving. I'm literally screwing his hand while my insides are being stirred up and it's no one's fault but my own.

“I-I can't... f-feels... good.”

I can't hold back for too long. I'm trying to focus on something else so I can drag it out for a few more minutes, but my whole body is aching for me to release the spring. My nails are starting to dig further into Levi's thighs to distract myself. It's also my own way of telling him I'm about to break. His hand is sliding along my full length and it's so wet. It's not comparable to his mouth, but still feels amazing in addition to what's entering me.

Levi speeds up his pace, rolling his thumb across my tip to drive me insane. A few strokes later and I cry out, giving a final squeeze to his thighs before arching my back as I cum into his hand. My eyes are forced shut and all I see is white, panting and gasping while trying to keep up my own speed to help Levi finish.

The moment his seed spills into me, I start to slow down. Everything is warm and I'm sweating across my brow and down my chest. I'm able to relax a little as I come down from my high, keeping myself on display with my head tilted, resting against my shoulder. Luckily, I didn't ruin any of the things Levi bought me, but they'll still need to be washed.

We're both left in silence to watch each other catch our breaths. It's finally registering how much of a work out I just got and how thankful I am that I don't top. I'm not strong enough for that shit. I definitely don't have abs, which is all the more reason to admire Levi's body. I'm envious in a way, but I don't mind being thin.

I offer him a tired smile, shifting a little to watch him reach for the tissue box on the night stand. His gentle side comes out strongest after sex. He always wants to pamper me and clean me up as if I can't do an of that on my own. I let him though, and soak it up to enjoy every last touch. He wipes off his hands and the rest of my seed from my stomach and member like he's done before, not forgetting to pause for a moment to toy with the golden loop in my navel, and I can't help but laugh and swat him away.

He pulls me down onto his chest to seal our lips, shivering with the thought that he hasn't pulled out yet. Not that I mind. I wanted to kiss him since we started, so I'm going to enjoy it now. Our skin is sticking to each other like Velcro which I find amusing. The kiss finally breaks and I'm the first to speak.

“Was that gift alright?”

My tone is playful, but I'm also curious to know how much he like it. I suppose that was something only I could give him, and I'm happy for that. It was completely new for me, but I'll admit, I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would.

“It was the best damn gift I've ever received.”

“I'll have to try harder to top it next year.”

“Don't give me ideas, brat.”

I'm curious to know what crazy things he could come up with if i told him he could do anything he wanted to me. When it comes down to it, Levi has a pretty dirty mind- a lot more sexual than me. I think we balance each other out quite nicely. I'm open to anything.

I lean in again for another quick kiss, feeling Levi pull out to leave me empty. His seed is still warm and it's something I can't get out of my brain. It shouldn't feel so good, but it does; knowing I'm his and that he's the only one to ever claim me in that way. I've never told him that, but I'm sure he knows.

“Are you going to come shower with me?”

So much for my previous one. I don't want to go through the rest of the morning smelling like sweat and sex. I have yet to pick out what I'm going to wear, but I know I want it to be red and green 'cause I'm a sucker for the holidays. Erwin should be back within the hour, and I have a sneaking suspicion he's going to know what we did. He has a sixth sense for that.

“When have I ever turned that down?”

“Good point.”

Levi sits up and I wrap my arms around his neck as he shift to the end of the bed. My legs instinctively wrap around his waist when he tries to get up, and I'm still amazed how he can move when I'm clinging to him like a child. That's the kind of physical strength I'm never going to have.

“I'm I supposed to carry you or something?”

“Yes.”

“Are your legs broken?”

“Yes.”

I can barely keep a straight face with the 'are you serious' look Levi is giving me. I scoot further onto his lap and widen my eyes a little to pull him in with the puppy dog look. I know he doesn't mind carrying me, since he can barely stop touching me as it is. Carrying me gives him an excuse to do that. I'm enabling him with my clingy nature.

He hums quietly and slides his hands up my sides, and back down to my legs, toying with the lacy fabric clipped in place. I'll wear this type of thing more often if he wants me too. I've loved everything he's bought for me so far, that I doubt he could ever get something I hate.

“If I'm carrying you, then I get to undress you.”

I pull him closer and lock my legs into place behind his back, stealing another kiss that I nearly melt into. I don't know if that was supposed to be a down side of him carrying me, but I approve.

“Well, hurry up then.”

 


	41. Chapter 41

As fate would have it, our simple shower together turned into something a little more heated than just the water. Levi can't stop touching me whenever I'm completely naked and I react to everything he does, making it hard to turn down a make out session or his palms trailing down my sides. In the end, we eventually finished the shower and he dried me off in a massive towel, kissing me whenever I tried to shove him playfully to stop him from fluffing up my hair.

We were met with Erwin coming through the front door when we were both in nothing more than boxer shorts and pants. He gave his two cents on the scene and rolled his eyes, dropping the few bags in his hand on the counter. Apparently his parents sent over a thawed turkey and potatoes for us to have for supper, along with a gift bag for both me and Levi. I'm in love with Erwin's parents, I can't deny that.

By ten o'clock, I manage to get [dressed](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=196409249) without much hassle. There are a few other things that need to be prepared as far as dinner is concerned, but that's for when the gift giving thing is over. I step out of the bedroom to be greeted by a whistled cat call from Levi that serves no other purpose than to make me blush. Erwin laughs and compliments that I look nice with no awkward things thrown in.

I join Levi on the couch, snuggling into his [sweater](http://www.polyvore.com/christlev/set?id=196409309) and sneaking in a quick kiss while Erwin is over at the tree, trying to find our names on specific gifts. Mine are the worst wrapped by far. You'd swear I got into a fight with the tape dispenser or something. Levi's are wrapped perfectly, while Erwin went with the safe and lazy gift bag option- something I wish I'd done so I'm not called out on my lack of talent.

I tuck my feet under the afghan to watch everyone's expressions. That's the best part about Christmas. I could care less about the receiving end, I much prefer making someone's day a little better with the things I bought. None of us went overboard with the gifts which was nice; after all, the two of them have much bigger things in life to pay for. Cars and hydro bills aren't cheap.

Max came out of the bedroom after hearing the sound of wrapping paper and found his own amusement with the empty bags and boxes laying around. I bought him a new bed a few days earlier, so I didn't feel bad about not getting him anything. Even Levi got him a bag of treats, so he has nothing to be upset about. He's having the time of his life with the ribbons anyways.

Once everything is unwrapped, we're left to go over what we got, and maybe even laugh a little at the odd choice of some things. As expected, I loved every single thing. Levi opted to get me more clothes- one's that were less revealing than that lingerie, thank god. Along with a graphite portrait of my mother, which meant more to me than anything. I barely have any pictures of her, let alone having someone I love spend the time to make something so beautiful for me. He also got a couple other pictures frames for the photos I do have so they won't get ruined in my bag.

Erwin's gifts were simple, but still perfect. He got me a new chain for my key; a golden clasped chain that looks ten times better than that thin one I was using, and a new case for my glasses with a cat face on it. I'll bet money the only reason he got it was because it looks like Max. Inside was a gift card for a clothing boutique a few blocks down. I'll never say no to clothes- or money.

I ended up getting Levi a new sweater, his favourite (and the most expensive) black tea, and a cup with his name on it in thin cursive letters. He doesn't use mugs, so there was no point in buying one. He's old fashioned when it comes to drinking tea.

I'm too busy fawning over my new things to pay attention to what the two dorks got each other, but I do hear Levi power laughing over giving Erwin an eyebrow trimmer. I doubt that thing will ever see the light of day if Erwin's expression is any indication. Leave it to Levi to get something so weird just to poke fun at his friend. I give a few small chuckles and turn back to the framed sketch on my hands. It's kinda creepy how realistic it looks. I'll need to invade Levi's sketchbooks to see more of his stuff.

I can hear Erwin give an amused sigh when he finally gets up from the chair to clean up the garbage scattered across the living room, making sure to throw a few crumpled balls for wrapping paper at Levi as some sort of payback only to get them thrown back.

I snuggle in closer to Levi's side, running my finger along the frame, taking in every detail of my mother's eyes and how they look exactly as I remember. They held every emotion for her. She stayed strong for us, but you could tell when she was mad or upset by her eyes. That was one thing she couldn't hide.

“Do you like it?”

Levi's voice snaps me back and I give him a genuine smile. I don't think any of my smiles have been fake with him, just the way it should be.

“I love it. She looks beautiful.”

He kisses me on the cheek and takes my hand, guiding me off the couch where stand and place the frame on the coffee table. Everything is clean for the most part now that the wrapping is cleared off the floor. Max looks a little displeased with that and will have to find something else to amuse himself for the next few hours. I tug on Levi's hand, gaining his attention for a few split seconds to tuck myself closer so our lips are inches away and my hands are resting against his chest.

“I never wished you a happy birthday, so.... happy birthday.”

This day is special for more reasons than Christmas and good food. It may sound cheesy, but twenty three years ago, the man I love was born. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. If Levi was taken out of the equation for the past few months, I might be in the street, or back living with my father being treated like an animal. I wouldn't be able to smile or be able to spend holidays with a real family, to feel loved or wanted, or maybe I would be dead. Having him so close right now is giving me chills. I'm glad he's here.

He gives me this embarrassed smirk, almost as if no one has ever told him that before. I'm sure his birthday gets forgotten a lot of the time by his friend because of the hype over Christmas. It must be hard sharing your own special day with another where everyone is celebrating. Levi is too modest to say anything, so I'm sure he lets it go and leaves everyone alone to do their own thing.

“Thanks, bright eyes.”

Our lips brush together for a short kiss before I pick up where he left off; tugging on his arm to lead us both into the kitchen where Erwin is scrambling to find the ingredients for the dressing. I have the cue card Karen gave to me with everything written down, and it's now propped up on the counter so Erwin knows what he's doing. It's a lot of stuff to do alone, so it won't hurt if we help out a bit. I've been wanting to make the dressing myself after all.

Erwin's parents' gift to me was to be expected; a light green apron with embroidered white flowers along the bottom. Now is my excuse to wear it. I feel like a house wife the moment I put it on and Levi gives me this look to say that he approves one hundred percent. This will make me enjoy cooking even more.

Levi gets the boring job of peeling potatoes, but knowing his perfectionist tendencies, no speck of peel will be left behind. He can whine and complain about the amount of work all he wants, but it beats eating those plastic, gooey pieces of ass that you get out of a box. Nothing is better than fresh vegetables.

I start to hum old Christmas songs while cutting full stocks of celery. It's something unavoidable and I do it all the time according to Levi. My singing skills aren't the best, so I stick to the tune instead to play it safe. It helps me concentrate and erase everything else around me so I don't mess up. I need to get the recipe perfect so the dressing tastes just as good as Karen's.

My eyes glaces over to Erwin who is riffling through the bags he brought from his parents house. I'm not entirely sure what all they gave him, but I swear our whole meal is packed in those skimpy plastic bags. It's nice to know they're looking out for us to make sure we have the best holiday meal ever. Hell, I even caught a glimpse of a pie in the very bottom. There's no way the three of us will be able to eat everything.

A knock comes from the front door and I flinch, nearly dropping the cutting board as I'm scrapping the celery into the pot of boiling both. I set everything down to wipe my hands on the apron, looking at Levi for an answer for who the unknown person is waiting outside the apartment. He never mentioned anything about anyone coming over, though I wouldn't be shocked to find Erwin's parents there wondering if we're doing alright.

Levi is the first to move, placing the peeler down on the island, wiping his hands and heading for the door. He must have some idea who it is with the look he just gave me. Petra perhaps? I wouldn't mind other friends over here. The troubling thing is Erwin gives me the exact same look, telling me he also knows. Am I the only one out of the loop here?

“Who is it?”

“It's another little something I got you for Christmas.”

So, what, it's the post man or something? What on Earth did Levi get that needs to be delivered?

I take a few steps over to get a better view of the door when Levi opens it. He's purposefully standing in the way so I can't see past his shoulders. Damn him and his super masculine physique. All I can do it pout a little and wait. Whoever it is, it's a girl.

“You better not be wasting my time here.”

It's not Petra, so there goes that idea. And they're definitely too angry to be any sort of post man- or woman. Then again, who would be thrilled about having to work on Christmas. It should be a mandatory holiday for everyone.

Levi steps inside to let the woman in and my heart suddenly gains twenty pounds, pounding against my rib cage causing me to freeze. She glances over the room, pulling her coat a little closer to block out the cool air in the hallway.

“I can't believe Annie talked me into coming here. I swear if this is pointless I'm going h-”

There's no way. Wake me up; I'm dreaming. Pinch me, punch me in the face, whatever it takes to get me to open my eyes. I can't move enough to do it myself. If it weren't for the island, I would be crippled on the floor. She does a double take and her eyes grow larger.

“Eren?”

The [purse](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=196409351) she's holding slides off her shoulder and lands on the floor with a soft noise. I can't get her name out. I want to cry, call for her before I lose all the stability in my legs. I'm too shocked to meet her halfway. She neglects her purse and runs over to me, nearly knocking me over with what little strength I have to support myself when her arms wrap around my neck.

I'm starting to shake. She looks the exact same as I remember. Her black hair, her chestnut eyes, the scarf she wears around her neck ever since her first birthday after we adopted her. She's real. Her smell, the soft fabric of her coat, her voice; it's all real. I wish I could move my arms, hold her so she doesn't leave. I need to hear more of her voice. Let me know I'm not dreaming.

“I don't believe this...”

You and me both.

I claw weakly at her coat, regaining some of the feeling in my arms so they can move of their own free will. The first few tears slip down my cheeks and my eyes meet Levi who has closed the door quietly behind him. How did he find her? He didn't even know her name; only a vague description based on pictures I showed him when the two of us were kids. There's no way.

Our hug ends too soon when she pulls away to take in every last detail of my stunned face. I have her loose coat in a death grip, tightening my hold when she wipes away my tears with the pad of her thumb. She's as motherly as I remember. Mikasa took after my mother after she died, going as far as to prepared meals and wash dishes even after getting home late from sports practice and her part time job.

“You're not hurt are you? Are you alright?”

I nod slowly, letting my body relax so I can stop shaking like a leaf. Her question is loaded, but I don't want to worry her. We haven't seen each other in years. For all I know, she could be mad at me for leaving her alone with dad. I made her life more difficult in the end. I worried her for no reason, when all I had to do was suck it up and see her at home.

“I-I'm okay... just... a little shocked.”

As if that wasn't evident enough by my expression.

I can't help but stare. Seeing Mikasa's face is like a dream. I'd nearly forgotten what she looked like, always wondering if she'd changed at all, but everything is the exact same. The only difference are the large hoops dangling on each of her ears. She didn't have her ears pierced when we were younger. They suit her.

Levi is beside the both of us in a spit second, handing Mikasa her purse which she accepts, narrowing her eyes at him. Like me, she must have a million questions to ask him. She was just as shocked to see me as I was her. He must have planned this without either of us knowing. That takes some serious skill.

She finally notices Erwin on the other side of the island, a towel in hand wiping down some of his recently used dishes while observing the scene. Mikasa suddenly looks embarrassed, tugging on her scarf to pull it closer to her chin, an old habit that hasn't died off.

“I didn't mean to barge in like this. I'm sorry if I interrupted anything.”

“I was the one who invited you. Don't feel bad about it.”

Every move Levi makes, Mikasa watches, as if he's a dog she doesn't trust. Probably wondering what I'm doing living with him and another man. She literally knows nothing about my life now, so it's natural for her to be skeptical about everyone and everything. I'm not even sure if Mikasa knows Levi at all.

“Take your coat off; stay awhile. You're welcome to stay for dinner.”

Leave it to Erwin to break the silence with his painfully cheerful voice. He reminds me so much of his mother that it's creepy.

“Alright.”

It takes all of my strength to let her walk back to the front door, shrugging off her coat to place it nearly on the rack. She leans down to untie her boots while Levi walks up to me, taking my hands and bringing them to his lips to kiss my shaking fingers.

“H-how did you-”

“I'll tell you later. Right now, I think the two of you need to talk. Erwin and I will finish everything out here.”

I try my best to hide a sniffle, wiping away the tracks of water down my cheeks. I want nothing more than to be with my sister, to finally talk and catch up with everything that's happened over the last 4 or so years. But on the other hand, I'm scared. Mikasa is completely clueless about everything; the marks on my arm, my sexuality, and she never even knew about Jean. I kept that a secret from everyone. So what exactly will happen if I tell her these things? Being together again could be the worse mistake of our lives. She could end up hating me, treating me the same way my father did, or even worse. She might hate me already for all I know.

It's obvious Levi senses something is wrong from my body language. I was so excited to finally see Mikasa again and now I'm starting to cower away at the very thought of being in the same room. I grip onto Levi's hand and squeeze instead of opening my mouth and saying something. I would be a baby if I wanted him to be there with me when I talk to my own freakin' sister.

He returns the gesture and kisses my lips so affectionately that I want to cry. He guides my arm out so he can run his hand across my sweater, writing the same letters with his fingertips as the marker has written bellow. He's never stopped putting those three letters on my bandages. Each time I change them, he makes sure they're there. It's helped me through so much, and it will help me through this. I'm not alone, no matter what.

A smile creeps onto my lips and Levi kisses me again, releasing my hand when Mikasa comes back to join my side. I'm hoping she can't tell how nervous I am. My eyes drop, but I keep the small grin on my face, feeling a little better about everything.

“Eren... is it alright if we talk privately?”

Looks like Mikasa has the same idea as Levi. I meet her eyes and nod, giving a small glance to Levi before he returns to his spot seated at the island with a peeler. The only private spot in this whole apartment is the bedroom, which I suppose will be where we talk.

I start to tug nervously at my sweater when we get into Levi's bedroom, the door closes behind us and the rest of the room is completely silent. I'm a stranger in my own home. Mikasa sits down on the bed and takes my hand, pulling me next to her with little to no effort. She doesn't let go even when I'm sitting inches away. I wonder if she can feel me shaking.

“I want to know everything.”

“What?”

“Eren, we haven't seen each other in years. Who are those people? They haven't hurt you have they?”

“N-no. They're friends.”

Well, Erwin is, yeah, but Levi is a little more than that. I don't want to drop that bomb on her. If I can avoid that topic then I will.

“What about where you're living? Where have you been?”

I'm only half prepared for the onslaught of questions headed my way. No many things are new to her and every aspect of my life has changed since I last saw her. I'm a completely different person both physically and mentally.

“Here.”

“You've been living here alone?”

“No. I live with Levi and Erwin.”

It's self explanatory who the names belong to. I have to assume she knows Levi by name to have all of this stuff happen. Maybe they've been texting each other.

“You live with two older guys?”

“What's wrong with that?”

“You should come live with me. There's an office area that we could turn into a bedroom. I could make sure you're safe and you wouldn't have to worry about those guys mistreating you. I think there's enough space to-”

“I can't just leave.”

“Why not? Have they threatened you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Are they forcing you to stay here?”

“No, they-”

“I'll call the police if that's what-”

“Mikasa, stop!”

There's a sudden jolt to her movement and the tense pose she's been holding relaxes slightly when I snap at her. I didn't mean to, but I don't like where this is going. I take a small breath before speaking again.

“I'm not leaving. This is my home now.”

Her shoulders slump ever so slightly and it's enough for me to notice. There's a defeated look on her face telling me she was willing to continue trying to push me out the door and for what reason, I'm not entirely sure.

“You don't want to live with me... is that it?”

“What?”

“Do you not like being around me?”

I don't understand what she's talking about. Is she jealous that I'm deciding to live with someone else besides her? I know Mikasa is motherly and all, but this is just ridiculous. All of these questions are throwing me for a loop and I losing my grasp on the situation.

“It's not that. I like living here that's all.”

“Is that really what it's about?”

She isn't convinced.

“I-I don't understand. Why are you saying all this?”

“I just... want to know the truth.”

“About what?”

“Why you left.”

Oh. That's an unavoidable subject no matter how much you slice it. I can side step all I want, but nothing will take away the fact I changed both our lives the night I ran away. I bet Mikasa has been waiting for an answer since the moment she walked into the house only to find I wasn't there. What did our father tell her?

“I come home one night to find you gone, and now this? Why didn't you say goodbye?”

“I-it's not that simple.”

“Why not? Was it something I did? Was it too much to ask for an explanation?”

“No... it's not like that.”

“Then what? Why did you leave?”

I feel awful. There's this undying guilt in the pit of my stomach when I look up to see the amount of pain in her eyes. I did this to her. I made her worry and second guess her actions when she had nothing to do with this. Not only am I a shitty boyfriend, but I'm a shitty brother too.

I bite my lip to hold back the tears brimming in my eyes. This isn't the time to cry. I've always been strong for her, I'm supposed to be the one to look after her, not the other way around. She won't release my hand, and I wish she would so I could wipe my eyes or something.

“You don't hate me... do you?”

I beat her to the question forming on her tongue. I need to know if what I did changed how she sees me; if I'm the shittiest family member to walk the face of the earth. Without knowing the circumstances, does she hate me?

“I could never hate you. I don't want you to think I'm angry with you, because I'm not. I only want to know why you ran away. Dad refused to tell me and I was worried something happened.”

I squeeze her hand to gain a small amount of comfort, taking a breath and letting the air seep past my lips. What will she do when she finds out I'm dating a guy? When she finds out about what our father did, will she even believe me? Or maybe even support the abuse?

“M-Mikasa... what would you do if you found out I wasn't the person you thought I was?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I had some secret you didn't know... and it made you think of me differently.”

The face she makes is nothing but confusion and worry twisted into one expression. Her head tilts to the side to try and get a look at my eyes which I've hidden under my bangs. I feel safer like this. If I can't see her, she can't see me. What a stupid thought.

“Eren... you didn't hurt anyone, did you?”

“No...”

“Are you doing drugs?”

“No.”

“Is it about your job?”

I shake my head again to end the sequence of questions she's thrown my way. I'd actually prefer my answer being drugs. Saying that would be ten times easier.

“Then what is it?”

What's the easiest way to tell her? Her eyes are burning into my head while she waits for an answer. I've dug myself into this hole on my own, so it's my job to find my way out.

“I... I'm dating Levi.”

Please understand why I mean by that. It's not just a random fact I decided to throw her way. It's my own way of explaining everything without any details or flat out saying it. Levi is a guy, I'm a guy. She can put two and two together. The words left my mouth so fast I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't understand a thing I just said.

“You are?”

I try to tug my hand away from hers and she lets me, a little shocked at my sudden change of attitude. It was so nice having her hold me, but I'm scared she might hurt me after the realization.

“That's why...”

She knows. The pitch in her voice changes and I curl my arm closer to my chest. I refuse to look her in the eye and I bite down hard on my lip before the tears start streaming out of my eyes. Please don't react like dad. Anything is better than that. I can only take so much before I break again. One hit is all I have the emotional strength to handle.

The bed sinks lower beside me and a soft pressure touches my shoulder, Mikasa's arms wrapped around me to have me rest against her. My head is pressed against the warm fabric of her scarf that smells like home after all this time. I'm stiff as a plank, wanting so badly to hold her back and cry of relief. Her hand brushes my hair like Levi usually does, and it calms me down enough to release my lip from between my teeth.

“Eren, I don't care about any of that. It doesn't change the fact that we're family.”

Then why did it change that for my father? Family is supposed to love you no matter what; especially your parents. If they don't give a shit about you, then who will?

There's a silence as I relax when she continues to comb through my hair. I could sit in silence for the rest of our time alone and be perfectly okay with it, but there's still so much I don't know about her and vice versa. A lot can happen over the span of 4 years. I should know better than anyone.

“That's why you left? You were afraid too tell anyone?”

I shake my head and her slight movement lets me know she's paying extremely close attention to anything I do. Her cheek is resting against my hair while I'm hunched into her chest like a vulnerable child.

“Dad found out... a-and he hit me...I-I didn't want to be there.”

She tenses with my response. Hit me? No way. The father she knew would never lay a hand on either of us. He was always so caring, the perfect father figure that other adults idolized and made other children jealous. He went out of his way to make sure we were happy, so why would something so simple change him so drastically?

“I-I ran away to live with my boyfriend at the time. I'm sorry... I should have said goodbye, but I-I couldn't go back there, Mikasa. I didn't want dad to hurt me again.”

“And you've been here all this time?”

I'm glad she doesn't linger too much on our father. I'd rather not discuss what happened yet again.

“I was seeing someone else, so I lived at his place. I met Levi and started living here when my last relationship didn't work out.”

She sighs quietly to let out what stressful things I had her thinking for the past few minutes. Knowing her, she must have thought I was living on the streets for the past few years and met Levi through some act of prostitution. At least I proved that wrong before her imagination got too out of hand. She tends to do that. Whenever I would come home late from school she would check me over for bruises to make sure I didn't get mugged.

“I'm glad you're alright. I was starting to think I would never see you again.”

“What about you? You're not living at home?”

A large part of me is glad for that. I want to be able to see her more, but I can't set foot anywhere near our old house. There's no way Mikasa can convince me otherwise. That place is my own personal hell and I'm never going back.

“I moved out after high school. I have an apartment with Annie next to the State University, which isn't too far from here.”

“Who's Annie?”

“Someone I met while on the University basketball team. Apparently she works with you and Levi which is the whole reason I'm here right now. I'm not sure about all the details, but someone must have made the connection.”

That makes a lot more sense than Levi coming across Mikasa in the middle of the street. Annie must have known about me if her and Mikasa live together. She would have brought it up at some point and asked Levi about it at work. I'm guessing it was Levi's idea to make our little get together a Christmas present. They were in on it together from the start. I've never spoken to Annie before, but now I feel like hugging her the next time I see her.

Mikasa shifts her weight, leaning back on her arm to grab my phone off the bedside table. I don't have to ask in order to know what she's doing, nor does she have to ask if it's my phone. The dorky strap with the cat face is a good enough indication. Levi isn't the kind of person to put tacky shit on his phone.

“I'm giving you my number before I forget. If anything happens, I want you to call me.”

There are her motherly traits again. I could stub my toe and she would drop everything to come running to me thinking I'm going to die. I really can't blame her. She watched her family get killed and then lost the closes thing she's ever had to a real mother. With my father out of the picture, I'm all she has left. We're not related by blood, but we might as well be.

“I'll be okay, but I promise I'll call you sometime.”

She hums with a smile stretching across her face. Her eyes are locked on the screen on my phone and her thumb sliding down and up to scroll though what I assume are my contacts. There's not much to see.

“You only have three contacts?”

Levi, Erwin and Petra. Now I have her to add to the list, but other than that, I'm not the most popular person out there. And after I finally grew the balls to delete Jean from my phone, I have even less people to get on contact with. I nod at her question when she looks up from the screen.

“Why don't you have Armin in here?”

Is she serious? All three of us were fairly close, so he must have told her something. We cut off all ties when hit him after he wouldn't leave me alone. I'm a piece of shit for doing something like that to my best friend, but it was at a difficult point in my life. Things weren't going well between us, and that only got worse once my mother died. I didn't want to hear him ask me everyday if i was alright, or why it looked like I'd been crying. Probably because I was you asshole.

“We don't talk anymore...”

“But I thought you two where-”

“He hates me. We had a fight and I guess he got fed up with me.”

“That's bullshit and you know it.”

I narrow my eyes at her and she doesn't look away. She giving me the same look only a little more unimpressed. Is she jerking my chain or what? How is she supposed to know anything when she wasn't even there?

“What do you mean it's bullshit?”

She frowns and sits up a little, digging her own phone out the back pocket of her pants. Her expression doesn't change in the slightest the whole time she's staring at it. Only her brows furrow when she shoves her phone into my hand, forcing it up to my nose. My eyes adjust to the words in front of me laid out in a text.

**Armin: Nothing from Eren?**

**Mikasa: About as much as the last time you asked.**

**Armin: Dont you think we should contact the police?**

**Mikasa: Eren ran away for a reason. I doubt he wants to be found by any of us.**

**Armin: Im just worried thats all.**

**Mikasa: I know the feeling.**

**Armin: Im coming back to help you find him.**

**Mikasa: Don't be stupid. You have exams to worry about.**

**Armin: Can you blame me?**

**Mikasa: I guess not. But that doesn't mean you can neglect everything you've worked for.**

**Armin: I miss him.**

**Mikasa: I promise if I hear anything I'll let you know.**

I lower the phone from my view with Mikasa's eyes staring hard at me. My shoulder start to shake and it's a sigh of the calm before the storm. She takes the phone from my hand before I break it and returns it to her pocket. Fresh tears slide down my cheeks and I bring a clenched fist to my mouth to stifle the sobs making their way out.

I'm an idiot. I complete and utter idiot.

“Armin doesn't hate you, Eren. He never did.”

Even after what I did? That doesn't make any sense. I hurt him. Why would he say he's worried when I've been the biggest pierce of trash to him than anyone else. He was the one who had to deal with my short fuse and paid for it. Why would he give a damn about what happens to me?

“He's been worried sick about you. He told me about what happened and was afraid you didn't want him as a friend anymore. You should know better than anyone that he isn't capable of hating you.”

“B-but I-”

“Don't dwell on things that happened in the past. The fact is you two never stopped being friends. I made a promised to tell him when I found you and I intend to keep it, but it's up to you two to decide what happens next.”

Her fingers are busy tapping a few more things on the screen on my phone before she hands it back to me, and my list of contacts has now upped to 5. I've since given up on wiping my eyes, knowing full well there will be more tears to replace the dried ones. Armin's name is written at the top of the empty conversation accompanied by his number. I wish my eyes weren't so blurred so I could see it properly.

“But...I don't know what to say.”

“Saying anything will be good enough for him.”

My fingers hover over the keys, my mind caught between a rock and a hard place trying to decide what I should send. I'm going to send something no matter what. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the days Armin and I would stay up all night watching scary movies just to see who would chicken out first. He was my best friend and I was afraid I lost him because of my own stupidity. I miss him. I miss the feeling of having someone there to laugh with you at your mistakes, or to give you a nudge out the door when you need it.

I type out three simple words with what little strength I have, looking up at Mikasa who looks happier than I've seen her since she walked into the apartment. There's a dull pounding in my chest and a warm flutter in my stomach when I overheard Levi's laugh on the other side of the bedroom door.

I manage a smile through my tears and Mikasa moves closer to me to wrap her arms around my shoulders for a second time. I welcome the gesture and let my eyes flutter shut if only for a short moment. I open them to reread the message typed out in the white box before sliding my thumb over the final button to send.

**Hey. It's Eren.**

 


	42. Chapter 42

I can confidently say the rest of the night went better than I expected. Mikasa didn't pry too much more into details about my life and she was content knowing I was safe and happy living with Levi and Erwin, at least until I can make enough money to afford a place of my own and stop taking up space in their 2 bedroom apartment.

All four of us sat down to have dinner and it wasn't as uncomfortable as one might think. Erwin is amazingly charismatic with people he doesn't know and kept conversations going the whole time while simultaneously eating without any real trouble at all. Questions were thrown around and I learned something new about everyone, including Levi. There was a lot of talk about college and whatnot that I couldn't contribute to, but that doesn't mean I wasn't interesting.

Mikasa continued with her parental side after supper and made sure everything was cleaned up and put away before any of us sat down again. You don't realize how much effort is put into a single meal until you have to wash the dishes. I've never seen so much cookware at one time. Hell, I didn't even know we owned a roast pan, let alone ten different pots.

Everything settled down around 7pm where I said goodbye to my sister before she headed back home. I didn't want to see her go, but every day has to end and she can't stay here forever when she has her own life. I could tell she felt the same after the five minute long hug we shared. She reminded me to text her and there's no way I'll forget to. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten a reply from Armin yet.

I know Mikasa said he doesn't hate me, but I can't help but feel like he'll be mad, or at least and little resentful towards everything I did to him at that shitty point in my life. I regret every part of it, but that doesn't take it away. I still hit him and tore apart our friendship with my stubborn attitude. I doubt things between us will ever be the same, even if we do start speaking to each other again.

I couldn't stop staring at my phone even when all three of us were huddled on the couch to watch old Christmas classics. I really wanted to get into them, but I couldn't when my whole body was shaking in anticipation. Will his response be a good one? How would anyone react to a missing person texting them out of the blue? He probably thinks it's a joke.

Erwin turned in around 9 after his morning sleep schedule started to catch up with him. It's been a long day for all of us, and I can't put into words how happy it made me feel. Not only did I see my sister again, but I had the chance to spend time with the people I care about the most, like our own little family. I can't say as though I hated the few Christmases I'd spent with Jean, but he didn't like his mother at all and his father was always off working, so we stayed at the apartment instead of spending time with family like you're supposed to.

I took my second shower of the day and laid down on the bed in nothing but a towel; sprawled out on my stomach with my phone gripped tightly in my fingers. I don't know how long I stayed like that, but Levi had enough time to shower himself and get dressed before I so much as moved. He came back into the bedroom threading his fingers through his wet hair in nothing but pajama pants. The sound of the door closing behind him was the only heads up I got of his company.

“Is there a reason you've been staring at your phone for the past few hours?”

“I'm waiting for someone... but I don't know if they're going to respond.”

“And who might that be?”

I turn to glance over my shoulder, staring a little too long at his toned chest before looking up to meet his eyes. I can't get over how good he looks after a shower- or any other time for that matter. I pout a little and turn back to my phone to stare at the blank inbox and lack of notifications.

“An old friend who I thought hated my guts. Mikasa said he wanted to see me again, but now I'm not so sure.”

It takes all of three seconds for the bed to sink down beside me with Levi inches away. He can see the blank screen which is the subject of my upsetting mood and the reason I can't tear my eyes away and go to bed like a normal person. I barely have motivation to get dressed and prefer laying in a damp towel.

“Give it time. They might be busy with something. It is Christmas after all.”

Levi starts to twirl my hair in his fingers, toying with the small curls that form whenever my hair is a little bit wet. I wish it could distract me enough to draw my attention away from my phone. It's true that I might be over thinking. I'm sure Armin has his own family get togethers and isn't checking his phone 24/7.

I place my phone on the bed and slump my head down with an exhausted sigh. My brain feels like it's going to explode. So much happened today that it was a little overwhelming. I made sure to text Mikasa and we both made plans to go out for lunch together the next time we're both free. She'll also be coming here for new years since Erwin makes new years parties a thing here. He's enthusiastic about everything.

A soft touch grazes my ear and I moan softly, curling closer into the warm bedding inviting me to pass out. Levi bushes my hair away from my neck to leave a trail of kisses starting from my ear and continuing down my spine. A wave of chills hits me like a truck, but it feels good at the same time. He doesn't stop there. His thumbs press softly into my skin and his wet lips make their way across my shoulder blades and lower back, stopping at the edge of the white towel.

“Enjoying yourself?”

My voice is playful and I wiggle my hips, letting my eyes flutter closed to enjoy the feather light touch against my back. I needed to experience this sooner. I could fall asleep if I let myself drift off. Something so simple is sending tingles all over my back.

“You know the answer to that.”

Of course I do, but it's still amusing to ask him. I force my eyes open to stare back at the blank screen, flipping through all the menus as a way to burn time. It's not helping in the slightest, but I do have a few games I could fool around on. I find an easy enough card game, propping myself up on my elbows.

Levi continues along my back and I get 5 cards into the deck before feeling his wet lips on my butt. I jolt and look over my shoulder; the towel that was once covering my lower half has been pulled off and is laying as flat as the rest of the bedding. I try to roll onto my side, but Levi stops me by pressing his thumbs into my cheeks.

“At least give me a heads up before leaving me naked.”

“And where's the fun in that?”

I roll my eyes and he continues where he left off, even going so far as to bite down on my plump skin. I bow my back and try to focus on the pathetic game I've started in my hands. It's not going so well.

“Levi... you're making this extremely difficult.”

He doesn't give so much as a noise. The only thing reaching my ears is soft sounds of his lips against my skin. The whole room is dead quiet, even with the large amount of the city that's still awake. What better thing to do on Christmas night than go drinking with a horde of people?

I give up and let my phone drop onto the bed, stretching out a little and feeling Levi's palm slide past my hips. Peeking over my shoulder gives me a shotty view of what he's doing, but there's an odd sort of amusement on his face that catches my attention first. I've come to learn Levi's obsession with my body. I've never felt good about anything like that in my life, but he makes it enjoyable. I always thought everyone was lying when they would compliment my looks. Levi does so much more than that and makes me feel beautiful every second of the day.

I manage to get out a small giggle and flip onto my side, successfully blocking my bare ass from having any contact with his lips. He settles for kissing my legs only to have me tug at his hair. He follows my light pulls, leading him up to my lips so I can seal ours together for a short moment.

He's the first to break the kiss, moving away to nip at my cheeks and along my jaw. Those small touches always get me squirming and laughing until I can't take it anymore. He's waiting for me to swat him away like this is a game and he's going to be winning a large percentage of the time. A smile has already cracked on my face and it's getting bigger the more his fingers trace along my sides and stomach.

“Knock it off. I need to get ready for bed.”

More like I need to put on a pare of pants before I get a hard on that he can't avoid. I'm completely naked while he's kissing and touching me; that's bound to end on a different note.

“Five more minutes.”

“Why are you so touchy all of a sudden?”

“Can you blame me? You looked cute as hell today.”

My cheeks heat up and I roll my eyes, shifting myself up to rest against my elbow. My chosen outfit for the day is folded lazily of the back of Levi's desk chair and I don't see what's so special about it. Unless he's referring to the small lacy piece of fabric I wore underneath or when I rode his dick this morning. Surely he can't be talking about that dumpy green sweater I wore.

“You weirdo.”

Levi is cut short from a loud noise that comes from my phone. Both our eyes glace at the sheets next to me where it's been tangled from what small movements I've been making. My heart leaps out of my chest and I reach over to grab it; my fingers shaking from the unknown of the text that has been sent my way. Levi watches me with a curious eye, scanning me and watching each move like a cat.

My thumb slides across the screen and I know it's Armin before I so much as look at the sender. Process of elimination tells me everything, especially since Mikasa would likely be asleep right now like the early bird she is. I hesitate for a few seconds, but eventually open the message with a rock growing in my stomach. What will he say? What can he say after all these years?

**Armin: I got a text from Mikasa earlier. Is it really you??**

I can't help but smile lightly at the phone just picturing Armin's face. Pure shock and nothing else. Relief pours off my body in a giant wave after seeing no sign of hatred or anger in his first text. I have a feeling I will be answering a lot of questions in the next couple of hours.

**Eren: Yeah it is. I should have known mikasa would get to u before me.**

**Armin: Are you okay? Where have you been?**

**Eren: its a long story.**

**Armin: I have all night.**

Levi notices my change in focus and decides to occupy himself with kissing my arms and legs, and whatever parts of me I wouldn't let him get to before. He taps my thigh and I roll onto my back with my phone in the air, staring up at the screen and trying to focus on the tiny numbers on the keypad.

**Eren: sorry. I dont want to talk about it right now.**

**Armin: That's alright. How have you been?**

**Eren: alright i guess. Just working right now with nothing else planned. Im gonna take a wild guess and say ur in Harvard getting straight A's**

**Armin: You scare me sometimes.**

**Eren: was i right? :P**

**Armin: Did Mikasa tell you?**

**Eren: im just that good**

There's no way Armin wouldn't get into one of the top schools in the country. He's way too smart to be in an average sized university. I have no clue how he does it or how he retains so much information without his brain exploding.

**Eren: what are u studying?**

**Armin: Psychology.**

**Eren: that doesn't surprise me at all**

**Armin: It's draining the life out of me. I still have another few years to go.**

I slide my fingers across the small letter keys over and over, keeping the smile on my face with no real reason other than enjoying myself while having a typical conversation with a guy I thought hated my guts. I forget his voice, but even from the way he types, I can tell he hasn't changed much. He's the same as Levi; perfect punctuation as if he's writing an essay that everyone is going to see.

Something warm and wet grazes the inside of my thigh and I give an audible squeak, glancing down to find Levi between my legs with his lips dangerously close to my crotch. When the hell did he get there? The sight is enough to give me goosebumps and an urge to fight back the mental images dancing in the back of my brain.

“What are you doing?”

Stupid question.

“Pretend I'm not here.”

He dips his head back down, licking and sucking at my inner thighs and direction blood flow to one area in particular. As if I can just ignore what he's doing and continue texting like normal. I push away the sight and focus back to my phone where Armin has send another message.

**Armin: I'm back at my grandfather's house for the holidays. Are you free this week?**

**Eren: you mean free to go out?**

**Armin: Of course I meant that. We have way too much to talk about. I'm afraid I'm going to destroy my phone bill if we keep texting. :P**

Holly crap. He actually wants to see me again? It seems like I'm the only one who ever wants to take things slow. Everyone else jumps at the first chance they get to go out and see people. I suppose that's the whole reason I'm here. If it were left up to me, Levi and I might not have met in person until now.

**Eren: Im free for the next couple of days. my boss gave me a lot of time off.**

**Armin: I'll see if Mikasa is free tomorrow. All three of us need to hang out again like we used to.**

**Eren: okay. Let me know when and where.**

My attention is pulled away from my phone yet again to the feeling of wet lips between my legs. Levi has no longer retained himself with a barrier and has taken it upon himself to tease my shaft with soft licks. I start to curl my toes into the sheets, twisting my body to try and fight the noises building in my throat.

“L-Levi...stop...”

Fuck, don't stop. Ignore my prudish behavior. He knows I don't mean it by the tone of my voice and I let him continue; biting my lip and quickly finishing off the conversation with Armin. If it weren't for the fact I'll be seeing him again soon, I would feel bad for neglecting to respond in favor of watching my boyfriend tease me.

**Armin: I'll text you as soon as I know the details.**

**Eren: sounds good. Im going to bed. Ill talk to you soon!**

**Armin: Night!**

I finally let my phone fall from my hand, using the same one to comb through Levi's dark hair, taking small handfuls and tugging when his mouth wraps around my tip. This is what I get for laying naked on the bed for too long. I should have known he would do something judging by the amount he was kissing me and touching my legs and ass.

Yet again, he's treating me like gold on his birthday when I should be the one in his position. Does that make me a lousy boyfriend? It's not like he asked for anything, so am I supposed to know what he wants? Or is it a given that I should be sucking him off as a present? It feels stupid to do something like that just because it's his birthday. I'll do it because I want to, not because a date on the calender made me.

I tug at his hair enough to pull him off my tip and gain his attention. My cheeks are flushed and lips parted because of a light pant I've started. It won't be too much longer before I'm sweating from doing nothing. I can see he's hard under his pajama pants and that turns me a darker shade of red.

“I want to make you feel good too.”

I move to sit up a little more, put Levi pressed a hand against my shoulder to push me back down onto the bed. I'm left to stare up at him like a puppy with my hands resting under my chest. My eyes follow him across the bed until he's back between my legs with a bottle of lube in one hand. I'm not completely against sex, but I am a little sore from this morning. I didn't hold back at all.

His pants are the first and only thing he removes to leave himself completely naked. I want to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close, but he's so far away that I can't reach him. I sit patiently and watch, the cap on the lube being pulled off. The amount he puts on his hand is immediately rubbed onto my shaft catching me completely off guard. I'm being stroked slowly to spread the cool lube across my skin.

Small whining noises are escaping past my lips, but come to a stop when Levi leans over me, supporting himself with one arm while the other stays between my legs. He's added even more lube and I shiver when his member brushes against mine. I arch up slightly to feel it more, propping up on my hand to press our lips together. I'm forced to break the kiss to catch some breath, taking the opportunity to glance down, watching Levi's hand wrap around our members, sliding his slick hand down to the base and back up, circling his thumb over our tips.

It's different, I'll admit, but I'm enjoying it just as much as sex. We're still close, but in a different manner. It's not everyday I get to feel him against me like this. He's like this because of me, and the other way around. We're feeling what we're doing to each other, sharing breaths and pleasure at the same time. I love him so much and I wish there was an easier way to show it.

His pace quickens and I'm left shaking and moaning, arching my hips forward to to feels the same jolt of pleasure after each thrust. He's doing the same so it's difficult to maintain any sort of kiss, but I'm trying anyway. He slides his tongue inside my mouth greedily, tasting every inch and taking control of the kiss. I love when he controls me. He never shows his rough side until sex turns up, flipping a switch and changing some of his behavior. He's still as gentle as ever, but dominating all the same.

I moan into the kiss, breaking it to pant out his name in short breaths. His lips are on my neck, sucking and licking with the occasional bite, leaving marks that will be clear as day tomorrow morning. I claw at his back to leave my own marks, gasping and whimpering with the pressure building in my stomach. Every passing second feels better and better, leaving my head fuzzy and my body screaming for more.

I can barely hear Levi over my own noises. The occasional grunt or moan here and there is enough to let me know he's feeling just as amazing as I am. I don't care if I can't move tomorrow, I need to feel him closer. This isn't enough and it's driving me insane.

“L-Levi... Inside.”

He catches on with my breathless words, removing his hand from our members and pressing his tip against the tight ring of my entrance. I don't want to wait. He's as gentle as ever, sliding in slowly and watching me to make sure I'm not uncomfortable with anything. I hurry him up by wrapping my legs around his hips, effectively pulling him closer until his waist touches my ass. That's the feeling I've been longing for this whole time.

I'm starting to rut against him, brushing my fingers across one of my nipples while I wait for Levi to position himself. My legs are locked around him and I have no intentions of letting him go. He leans forward, pressing his hands on either side of my head, using them as leverage to move. He rolls his hips slowly and I move with him.

My arms find their way around his neck again and I'm left staring into his deep blue eyes hiding beneath his bangs. He gives me one of those rare smiles and I return it almost instantly, giggling quietly when his fingers comb the hair from my face, pulling him down into a deep kiss that continues even when he starts moving deeper inside me.

Each thrust forces me to cry out into Levi's mouth, which is a good thing I guess. We're not alone in this place after all. I didn't have to worry about being loud this morning, but now I need to tone it down a little. It becomes hard to do when Levi finds that sweet spot to drive me insane. He assaults it constantly, bringing his pace up a notch until I'm panting like a dog. He kisses my parted lips and I do my best to kiss back, but it's an utter failure.

“Faster.”

Levi doesn't hold back in the slightest. I'm forced to bite down on my hand to stop from moaning at the top of my lungs. I'm losing what small amount of strength I had to hold onto him. I can't speak or anything. Short gasps are the only things I can manage, tugging at his hair to let him know I'm about to break. Normally I would tell him, but that won't be happening tonight. My ass is going to be sore as hell tomorrow.

I'm covering my mouth to the best of my abilities, squeezing my eyes shut because I don't even have the strength to keep them open. I was worn out to begin with, and I have no idea how Levi is keeping up such a fast pace. I'm lagging behind. My legs are barely tied around his waist. He moves to sit up, allowing me to catch my breath for a second, but he continues instantly.

He unhooks my legs and pulls one up to rest against his shoulder. It's an odd position, but I'll try anything once it it makes it easier on him. There are tears in my eyes from pure pleasure and I have to say that's the first time something like that has ever happened.

“L-Levi...I-”

There's no time to get my chopped up sentence out. Levi wraps his hand around my shaft and starts to stroke me in time with his thrusts. I cry out into my hand a few times before I snap, arching my back as I reach my high, Levi continuing to pleasure me until I feel his seed fill my insides. My brain shuts down and turns fuzzy, my whole body wracked with sudden shaking now that my orgasm is dying off.

Levi is panting hard above me, slowing down his hand along with his hips. I'm panting just as hard as he is, despite me not doing anything but laying on my back. No wonder he has such a nice body. I wouldn't be surprised if he worked out on the side.

I've calmed down enough to pull my fist from my mouth, examining the hefty sized bite mark I made on my thumb. I don't have the will to sit up, so I stare up at Levi who's composing himself rather well. He's sweating across his chest and I watch each muscle rise and fall with his breaths. He looks like a damn model. He glances down at me and I offer him a tired smile, wiggling my hips when he pulls out.

He does his usual caring actions; cleaning me up and treating me like gold while I lay exhausted on the bed. I've become accustom to him wiping me clean after sex, even though it might look and sound weird to anyone else. I'm left in silence to watch him use a few tissues to clean off his hand and pull his pajama pants back on. My eyes flutter shut for only a moment, but jolt open when something wet touches my stomach. I blush hard and look away from the sight of Levi licking my seed from my belly. He laps at the fluid above my navel, glancing up to catch my eyes.

“You taste sweet.”

I squeak and ignore the heat returning to my face. I effectively push him away, covering his mouth with my hands. Pouting is the only thing I can do with a pathetic scowl on my face. He laughs it off and pulls my hands away, leaning over me to pin them on either side of my head.

“Don't say weird stuff like that.”

“It's true.”

“You're insane.”

“So I've been told.”

My head tilts away and he leans in to nip at my neck, erasing the unimpressed look off my face and replacing it with soft laughter and a dorky smile. I gather up a little more strength and hug him close around the neck, burring my nose into his silky hair, letting my fingers graze over the stubble of his undercut.

“So was that your friend who texted you back?”

“You're asking that now?”

“I was busy.”

He could have brought it up a half hour ago before he put my dick in his mouth. I nod regardless to answer his question.

“Yeah. I might be seeing him tomorrow.”

“I guess I don't have to ask how it went.”

“Better than I expected.”

Levi rolls off onto his side, resting his cheek against his palm to watch me, sliding his hand down to lay across my waist. I'll put clothes on eventually. I've never slept naked, but I wouldn't mind doing so with Levi. Hell, I might even wake up to a little something since the sight of my body drives him up the wall.

“I'm a little nervous. I mean... I haven't seen him in years. I didn't exactly end our friendship on good terms.”

I shift to rest on my side, facing Levi to have our faces inches apart. I let out a sigh and stare at the pillow beneath my head, my eyes weighing a thousand pounds each, but I force them to stay open. I notice Levi cock his head a little, no doubt confused about the whole situation. I never mentioned Armin before, so this is all new.

“So why do you want to be friends again?”

“He was my best friend a long time ago. And I... I wasn't so nice to him after my mom died. I hurt him pretty bad and he stayed away from me after that. But... I want to try again... maybe pick up where we left off and fix everything.”

Soft fingers brush against my hair, threading the curled strands behind my ear and across my forehead. It's something Levi does when I'm anxious or when I get worked up over nothing. It helps a lot of the time with varying degrees of success.

“You don't think it's too late, do you?”

“Not at all. As long as you're both willing to try, I don't see why it wouldn't work.”

“I'm afraid I'll scare him away or something.”

That's laughable. Me, scary? I bet Armin has met children scarier than me, but it's not the appearance I'm worried about. I hope he doesn't think I'll treat him like crap again. I'm different now. Only a few months ago I relied on razors to get me through the day, and now they're at the bottom of a river. Small pieces of my life are slowly being put back together. I want Armin to be part of that puzzle.

“It's not possible for you to scare anyone away, Eren.”

“I hope you're right.”

My phone makes a small noise on the bed beside me, causing me to jump and spin around to grab it. One new message from Armin. He's so busy with his life and he's still finding time for me. That has to count for something, right? Maybe we can go back to being friends. Sure, he'll need to return to school after the holidays, but the internet exists for a reason.

I've been so worried about having our friendship work out again that I may end up blowing it. I want to act like myself around him, but we barely know each other anymore. Armin never seemed like the kind of person to hate anyone solely on their sexuality, but there's always the doubt in the back of my mind.

If I've learned anything, it's that I can't please everyone. If things don't work out with Armin, I'll always have people close to me who love me for who I am. I don't need anyone else.

**Armin: Mika's free tomorrow. Can you get to the MetroCenter mall?**

**Eren: i can find a way**

**Armin: Meeting at the entrance @12pm :)**

**Eren: ill be there**

 


	43. Chapter 43

The last time I felt this excited was back when I was little and it was the first day of school. It was a nervous sort of excitement for not knowing what was going to happen. I could barely sleep and kept fidgeting my legs until my brain got tired enough to shut off. It didn't stay shut off for too long last night and now I'm running on three hours of sleep at the absolute maximum.

I woke up a little past 8am and fooled around on my phone for a bit until Levi got up. He's not a morning person by any stretch so he finally opened his eyes around 10. He noticed I was awake way before hand, but didn't have any energy or ambition to move out of bed that early and settled with putting his arm around my waist and falling back asleep.

My morning isn't too productive since I spent most of it staring at the ceiling wondering if Armin would look any different than he did years ago. I know I look nothing like I did and I'm wondering if he'll bring it up; like why my skin is so pale, or that I've lost weight, or why I'm wearing something that belongs in the girls section of a clothing store. He won't care about that stuff, right?

My eyes glance down at Levi while I try to shuffle out of bed without waking him up. He makes a small grunt, but nothing more. The room is lit pathetically through the curtains, but it's light enough for me to see where I'm going. I reach the closet and pull open the door to sort through my clothes. Levi lent half his closet to me so I wouldn't' have to keep everything stacked in a pile. I tug back all the hangers to find something that won't draw too much attention.

It's insane the amount of crop tops I own now, simply because Levi's eyes grow out of proportion whenever I wear one. I swear he buys me a new shirt whenever he steps foot outside the apartment. I don't mind wearing them for him, but what am I supposed to wear in public? It's too late to go shopping for something new. I'm the worst at planning.

A mountain of clothes is growing just outside the closet as I toss one shirt after another off of it's hanger to help my decision making. Anything that will show off too much is a definite no. At least I have a simple pare of skinny jeans, but looking for a shirt is a whole other ball game. Why do I not own any regular t-shirts? You'd think that would be a necessity in everyone's wardrobe. Even my sweaters are cut short and too body hugging.

“Eren, what are you doing?”

Levi's groggy voice reaches my ears and I glance at him for a second before adding another article of clothing to my ever growing pile.

“Picking my clothes.”

“Do you need to wear fifty different shirts?”

“I'm not wearing those.”

My voice comes out sounding a little more venomous than I wanted it. As if it's somehow the clothes fault for being in the closet. They magically bought themselves.

I riffle through a few more hangers while Levi makes his way out of bed and over to the pile, picking up a tiny tank top with a white bow. I think he bought it for me and I wore it once last week. It doesn't look so appealing now. His face crinkles with a raised eyebrow, a sign of confusion towards my sudden hate for clothes that I once loved under different circumstances.

“What's wrong with this one? You look cute in it.”

“It makes my arms look weird.”

No.

“What about the black one?”

“It fits weird.”

No it doesn't.

“Even the one with the spots on it?”

“It's missing a button.”

No it's not.

I keep my back to him while I continue my search, nearing the end of the closet with no luck whatsoever. The only thing I own is a shirt that covers slightly bellow my navel, and even that's too much skin. I need to cross tank tops off the list immediately since my arms are being covered with bandages and will draw too much attention.

“Can I borrow one of your shirts?”

I've never asked him that in my life. And I never would have needed to if I weren't trying so hard. I can't impress everyone and I know that, but I want my first meeting with Armin to be fun. I won't be able to enjoy anything if I'm constantly worried about him staring at my body.

“I don't see why you can't wear this one.”

Levi is still sorting through all the shirts I disregarded after one glance. Of course he likes all of them, but I can't say the same for everyone else. I still remember what that group of guys yelled at me. I looked like a whore; someone desperate for attention and I haven't worn anything like that outside since then.

“It's too small.”

“That's how it was made.”

“It'll show my skin.”

“What's wrong with that?”

“I... I don't want to be called a slut.”

It's hard for me to say. I stumble on my words with a small sob and turn around to glance at the clothes I tossed around the room. My eyes lower and Levi drops the shirt in front of me, tapping my chin with his thumb to get me too look up.

“Is that what you're worried about?”

“Of course it is. You remember what those guys said. What if... what if Armin-”

I stumble again, letting my eyes fall back to the floor. I haven't gone out of the apartment much besides going to work and the occasional trip to buy some milk or pick up cat food. I've never worried about anything because Levi was always there. The way he stood up for me back when I was being made fun of struck some kind of chord and I felt safe going out in public wearing whatever I wanted. Now he won't be there and I'll be vulnerable all over again.

“I know what you're going to say. I'm overreacting, or I shouldn't care.”

I know the words before he can so much as open his mouth.

“Something like that. But, Eren, there's always going to be a few assholes out there who don't agree with everything you do.”

I spot my phone on the covers of the bed buried under a pillow. I step past Levi to go get it, sitting down and flashing the screen in my face and scrolling through my most recent message to send a reply.

“What are you doing?”

“This was a bad idea. I'll tell him I'm busy.”

“You what?”

I get through half of the sentence before the phone is snatched from my hands to leave me with a dumbfounded look on my face. My fingers are frozen in position and my eyes follow the phone when Levi tosses it on the bed beside me and crouches between my legs. It reminds me of a coach giving his team a motivational pep talk.

“I'm not letting this hold you back. You were excited as hell to finally see this guy again.”

“I know...but... now I'm not so sure.”

“Your sister is going to be there, right? If something goes wrong, you can spend the day with her.”

This whole situation is turning into a mess. One simple thought is enough to throw me for a loop and dunk my logical thinking into the toilet. That's what ruined the plans for Halloween too.

“I don't know what to wear.”

“Wear whatever you want.”

“I don't know about this, Levi. I want to stay home.”

“I'll tell you what; I'll drive you to the mall. If you still feel the same when you get there, then we can go home.”

That doesn't sound like a terrible idea, I just don't want Levi to waste his time and money driving me somewhere only for me to back out. He has better things to do than be my taxi driver for the day.

“So, put on whatever you want and we'll see how you feel. I don't want you pretending you're someone else.”

He's been telling me that even before we were dating. There's always going to be a small part of me who's scared of what other people will think, but I want to be proud of my body and not shy away whenever a group of guys or girls look at me the wrong way. I know Levi worships the hell out of it, but he's on a different level entirely.

I nod in agreement and he gets up, taking my hands and pulling me off the bed and back over to the pile of shirts and whatever else I threw out of the closet. I need to look at this with a blank slate. I need to pretend it's going to be a normal day and put on whatever I feel like wearing. Levi looks more than happy to help throw together an ensemble, as usual, and I bet he's going to pick out the whole thing.

I slip into the jeans I set on the chair and wait patiently for a shirt to be thrown my way. I find one of Levi's sweaters underneath and tug it into my arms. It's still soft and smells strongly of his cologne. It's that odd kind of smell that makes me feel safe, odd in the way that smells don't normally do that to people.

Eventually, Levi finds something that suits his taste. It's an old white shirt I haven't worn in weeks. I forgot I owned it. It was one of those impulse buys that I threw in the back of the closet for that rare occasion when someone decides to clean it. I slip it on and Levi takes a step back to view the 'masterpiece' (as he calls it) he put together.

“Um... could I borrow one of your sweaters?”

I don't want to disappoint him with covering up, but that's not what it's about. If I wanted to do that, I'd wear one of my own sweaters. He seems to understand a little with the look he gives me, then sighs and grabs the one I'd been holding minutes before and slides it over my shoulders. I do the rest and nuzzle into the collar. I think I'll be okay.

I undress and grab a quick shower before we have to leave, fixing my hair as much as possible and changing back to the [clothes](http://www.polyvore.com/malren/set?id=201491282) that took way too long to pick out. With what little time I had left, I stayed curled up on the couch with the TV on in the background as white noise. Most of the time was spent twirling the pull strings on Levi's sweater and flattening out any wrinkles that catch my attention.

I gave myself plenty of time to get to the mall and Levi drove as promised. He let me chose the songs once again, even if our tastes don't correlate all that well. There was the occasional small talk with not too many responses from me. I was too caught up in staring out the window wondering how I should greet Armin. Will he be shocked that I've changed so much? There's bound to be several changes between both of us. He's an A+ student with future carved out in stone, and then there's me; a high school drop out working at a grocery store for minimum wage. Armin is way too good for me. If he finds out, will his enthusiasm to stay friends still be there?

There's a twist in my gut when the mall comes into view. I toy with the hem of the sweater and peel my eyes open ten times wider to see if I can find the two people who are surely waiting for me. I'm getting so nervous to the point where I need to remind myself to breathe. I can still turn back. I don't want to, but that option is always open.

The first person I spot is Mikasa, leaning against the wall in a casual pose I only wish I could pull off. The person next to her causes me to do a doubt take. That blond hair is unmistakable, but everything else is morphed so drastically I almost didn't recognize him. I'm about ready to cry and a smile tugs at my lips. Seeing him again is like a warped dream. The fact I'm seeing him again at all is something I never would have thought possible.

Levi pulls into a parking space a good distance away and turns off the car. I know he's waiting for my decision. I haven't been seen yet, so if I want, we can drive away and I can claim I don't feel well or something. It sounds like a stupid idea now. I want to see Armin again; maybe get the chance to hug him and be real friends. I'm nervous, but excited. My hand is on the car door before Levi can open his mouth.

“I'll be okay.”

I know I will.

“Don't go running off just yet.”

“Why not?”

“Where's my payment for driving you?”

Damn him. I can't help but roll my eyes, releasing the door handle and leaning over the seat for a soft kiss. His lips are warm and smooth, forcing me to stay in the kiss a little longer than I intended. I know I'm blushing when I pull away and that's not overly shocking to either of us.

“Thank you.”

For more than just the ride. Thank you for giving me the nudge out the door I needed to do this, for making me feel worth something, for teaching me to love me for who I am, for being the best damn boyfriend anyone could ask for.

“You're welcome. Just text me when you want to be picked up.”

“I will.”

“Now get your butt over there.”

I give him one last smile and hop out of the car, nearly falling into the adjacent vehicle on my way. Knowing my luck the damn thing would have an alarm on it. That would be one way of making an entrance.

Mikasa is the first one to see me, as usual, waving like a maniac to make sure I see her. I wave back shyly when Armin looks my way. If my legs give out from underneath me I'm blaming him. Those ocean blue eyes are the same as I remember. He always had a thing for seeing the ocean so that's always how I would describe them. It seemed to make him abnormally happy.

My legs manage to get me to both of them with no problems besides a little shaking. Mikasa gives me the typical sister hug and I get a whiff of vanilla perfume on her [clothes](http://www.polyvore.com/malmik/set?id=201493646). I only remember her wearing the stuff on weekends when she would meet up with friends. Other than that, she wasn't a big fragrance person.

The next hug hits me like a truck, knocking me back a little, but I stay on my feet in pure shock. Blond hair covers my view, but I see my sister stiffing a laugh with her hand. She's been waiting for this moment since she found out I was still walking the face of the earth.

Within seconds Armin jumps back, flattening down the fabric on my shoulders along with his own [outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/malarm/set?id=201492144), which I have to admit suits him really well. The only thing he's missing is the guitar.

“S-sorry. I got way too ahead of myself.”

Oh my god, he hasn't changed at all. He looks so much older, but he's just as shy and caring as he always was. I can't help but laugh a little along with Mikasa, which is one way to embarrass him. He doesn't blush as much as me, but often enough.

“That's alright. I wasn't expecting it, that's all.”

The subtle honk of a horn draws my attention, watching Levi pull out of the parking lot to head home- or to whatever he had planned. It's nice to know he's only a text away from coming to get me. I doubt that will be happening until later though. Now that I'm here, I'm way to excited to spend time with my sister and Armin. All three of us haven't met up like this since elementary school. Talk about nostalgic.

“Was that your boyfriend?”

Crap. Did he mean that as a joke? Either way, is there a point in lying?

“Um... yeah.”

“Dang it. I thought I'd be able to meet him today.”

“You what?”

Am I missing something here?

“Mikasa said your boyfriend might be dropping you off. I thought maybe-”

“You told him?”

There she goes, laughing like a preschooler at terrible joke. There's a good chunk of me that isn't surprised at all that she spilled the beans. I can't tell if it slipped as a form of gossip, or she did it so I wouldn't have to. It might have become the elephant in the room if the subject of girlfriends was breached.

“Is there anything you didn't tell him?”

“Just the basics. You're living in an apartment with your boyfriend and another guy.”

She shrugs is off like it's the most natural thing in the world. I wish it were, but being anything other than straight is frowned upon by insane amounts of people. I hope someday I can be oblivious to that sort of thing like Levi is. I should be proud of my sexuality, not shove it under the rug.

“Can we go inside now? I'm starving.”

Simply put, that was enough for Mikasa and I to end out little feud and head inside. I haven't been to the mall and I'd nearly forgotten how cluttered and hectic it can get. At least with Christmas out of the way, it's not as bad as it could be. Instead it's all the people with money left over for boxing day. Never mind that most of the shelves are empty.

The first stop is the food court, which was Armin's idea, but I seconded it since I haven't eaten all day. I'm glad he's not picky with fast food. You don't go to the mall to have a sit down dinner so burgers and fries are the norm. Armin tries to keep up snippets of small talk and gives me these small looks whenever I laugh at something he says.

We find Mikasa sitting at a table, waiting to steal fries off my tray. She claimed she wasn't hungry, but I bet half my food will be gone before I start eating.

The conversation is lighthearted, mainly talking about things we used to do when we were little. Armin talks about the new friends he's met at university, and even Mikasa has a thing or two to throw in about school. I'm a little out of place, but I don't mind listening to them while nibbling on my burger. I get to hear what they've been doing over the past few years while I lived in my personal hell.

My mind wanders a little, my eyes falling on the groups of people passing by our table. There's a couple across the room feeding each other onion rings and I can't help but laugh a little at how messy it gets.

“Eren?”

“What?”

“I asked you about work.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Don't blow it, Eren. At least try to pay attention so it doesn't look like you're bored. What if he starts thinking you don't want to be here?

“It's not too bad. Just a normal stocking job, but it's better than nothing. I need money after all.”

“Are you going to University?”

“No. But I want to get my own place, and I need to pay for my cat.”

“You have a cat?”

I never thought it was possible for anyone's eyes to shine, but Armin has proved me wrong. Of course the guy loves animals. He used to feed stray cats outside his grandfather's house all the time. They never got close enough to pet them, but they always came back. None of us had any domesticated animals growing up, so taking care of barn cats was the best thing in the world.

“Yeah. His name is Max. Levi bough him for me and I've been working my butt off to take care of him.”

“Levi?”

“My boyfriend.”

“I should have asked his name sooner.”

He takes a large bite out of his burger and Mikasa snatches a few more fries, breaking them in half to taught me. Good thing this meal was cheap.

“Did Levi buy you the piercing too?”

How did she know I have a piercing?

My expression contorts into something comical to anyone passing buy and I follow her finger when she points down to my shirt, as if I didn't understand what she said. I glance down and turn red, pulling the sweater closed over my stomach. Has it been open this whole time? How the hell did I not realize that?

“I never noticed that. When did you get it?”

Damnit, Armin. Stop being curious and charming at the same time.

“I-I don't know. I few months ago.”

I don't sound to sure of myself. Then again, I'm too focused on controlling the temperature of my face and making sure the sweater is pulled tight enough so no one can see. It's my own fault for not doing it up before getting out of the damn car.

“It looks good.”

“I-It does?”

He nods with a dorky smile on his face; way too innocent for his own good.

“I've been meaning to get my ear pierced. Only a small stud; nothing crazy.”

I wish I had something to say back to that, but my mind is still focused on the fact he didn't say my piercing is disgusting. Not exactly the kind of thing you see on many guys, so I couldn't blame him is he thought it was odd. Not only that, but he totally ignored the shirt I was wearing. I really have nothing to worry about? Damn me and my overreacting. I should have known Levi was right about this whole thing. I nearly didn't show up thanks to my attire.

“You should, Armin. I think it would look good.”

“That's what I'm hoping.”

Mikasa snags another fry off my tray and gets up, popping it into her mouth and grabbing her purse.

“I need to use the washroom. Hurry up and eat so we can go shopping.”

Of course she would want to get all the cheap stuff. We'll have to see what's left over from the major Christmas shoppers. It's obvious that Mikasa wants clothes above anything else. Given her outfits, I can tell she buys whatever she wants in mass quantities. Now is the perfect day for that.

Before I know it, she's gone and Armin and I are left at the table to stare at our food. It's not uncomfortable, but I wish I knew what to say. Armin gives a few quick glances around the table and lowers his head, playing with the straw in his drink when he first starts to speak.

“Eren... can I ask you something?”

Should I even ask what it's about? I reappear suddenly with no explanation and now we're acting like everything's fine. I should assume Mikasa told him some things, but even she has unanswered questions and blank slates strewn about when it comes to my life. Whatever he wants to know, I'll keep it vague. I don't need to get him worked up or have him worry about me when the past is nothing but a shitty memory.

“It's about your boyfriend.”

That's a curve ball from left field. Why would he want to know about Levi? They haven't even met and he's going to be poking around for information?

“What about him?”

Armin looks nervous. And not the the kind of nervous you see from someone about to give a speech, this is the kind you get from small children who know they're about to be in deep shit. His attention is focused in his half empty paper cup and looks at me briefly to see the confused expression I've laid out for him.

“Does he... has he ever hurt you?”

I'm more than a little confused.

“I know our relationship is a little shaky right now, but I want you to be honest with me.”

“I don't really understand what you're-.”

“Has he hit you?”

I know Armin can be overly caring, but this is insane. If anyone, I would have thought Mikasa would be the first to ask me. She was the one staring daggers at Levi when she walked into the apartment. I still doubt she trusts him, but at least she's warmed up to him a little thanks to the Christmas dinner thing.

“He would never do that.”

“Are you sure?”

“I don't get it. Why are you asking me this?”

He visibly deflates and looks over at me. The hand that had been occupied with the straw is now fiddling with the beads on his wrist. I never noticed them before. His eyes flick over his shoulder near the direction of the washroom, making sure my sister hasn't come back yet. That worries me for what he's about the say.

“You've been limping ever since I saw you. I didn't want to point it out because I know how obsessive Mikasa can get when you're hurt or anything. You keep zoning out like you're always thinking about something, and now you're even afraid to show off any part of your body. I don't know... maybe I'm just reading this all wrong.”

I can feel my face heating up as we speak. I shove my hands into my lap and try to look as calm as possible. The food on the table has been neglected by both of us and I've lost my interest in eating now that my face is about to melt off.

“Eren, are you alright?”

I'll give credit where it's due. He picked up on all my small habits within minutes of being around me. I'm sure it helps that he's studying psychology and how different people react to certain things, but he's going at it from the wrong angle. Not everything is that black and white.

“I know I zone out sometimes... there are things I can't forget about and my brain likes to remind me of that. I'm still a little shocked that I'm here to be completely honest. It's strange to finally see you after so long.”

I'm glad to hear the laugh of agreement he makes. It's a little weird and I'm glad I'm not alone in that train of thought.

“I... I'm a little nervous about showing my body. Nothing good seemed to come of it. I've been going through a lot and... there's some parts I'm not exactly proud of.”

Armin lets out a sigh, probably to clear the images he had of me being with an abusive asshole. My nervousness about my body is a better response than the latter. At least it's comforting to know he still cares so much about my well-being. Everyone would kill to have a friend like him.

“I've never been so happy to hear I'm wrong.”

I laugh quietly to myself as Armin pushes his tray further on the table, placing the empty cup on the stack of burger boxes to form some kind of miniature Tower of Pisa. I'd be worried if he was going to school for engineering.

“But you're alright, aren't you?”

“I'm fine. I've had a few rough patches, but I think everything will be okay.”

“I'm glad to hear it.”

I spot Mikasa off in the crowd, slipping her phone into her purse and glancing around trying to remember where she left us. I'd hate to think what she would do if we got lost.

“Hey, Eren.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you... always walk with a limp?”

Damn it. Damn it. I was trying my best to ignore that part. I can tell from his voice he was afraid to ask. So many things could have happened, but I bet it's not any of the ones he's thinking about. I was trying to hard to hide it too.

“N-no.”

He's searching me like a hawk. I let my bangs fall over my face as I turn bright red. Blushing should be something you can control. Some scientist need to get on that so my life can be a little easier.

“It was Levi's birthday yesterday...”

“So?”

He's missing the correlation. I'm forced to give him a simple look with a blood red face. There's an abundance of water in my eyes with how embarrassed I am about the whole thing and I'm trying to blink it away.

“Oh... OH!”

There he goes.

He's turning almost as red as I am if that's even possible. I pout a little when he starts to laugh, covering the massive grin on his face with an open palm. I'm relieved about such a light hearted reaction; It could have been a lot different.

“And how many presents did you give him exactly?”

“Three...”

Why did I just tell him that?”

“Three times in one day? How much stamina do you have?”

“Armin!”

He's nearly fallen off the chair with laughter by the time Mikasa gets to the table, looking confused as ever glancing between us waiting for an explanation. When she doesn't get one, she rolls her eyes and adjusts her purse; waiting for us to get our act together.

I push myself up from the table while Armin nearly chokes on air. He's nearly as bold as Levi when it comes to joking around about anything sexual. I never pegged him as that type of person. Makes me wonder if he's seeing anyone. He might be too busy to keep up a relationship. University doesn't make your personal life easy that's for sure; especially the high end ones.

Mikasa leads the way through the mall, weaving and side stepping like a pro and here I am being the epitome for a bull in a china shop. She's easy to pick out in a crowd so that makes it a little easier to follow her.

Half of the stores we go into I've never heard of. Brand names don't catch my interest, but it's nice to see what sort of things their stores have, even if the prices are through the roof. It baffles me how a simple piece of fabric can cost thirty dollars.

We travel in a group through every store in both the men and woman's section. Mikasa shoves a few things in her arms and even Armin picked out a new shirt. I try not to look too excited when I see and fancy shirt I like. It's not like I could afford anything. One shirt will turn into fifty and the next thing I know I'll be broke.

“I'm gonna go try these on.”

I can barely hear her over the overly processed base music in the background, but I nod her direction and return to the rotating rack of shirts near the wall. It's a pretty nice place compared to where I normally shop.

Armin wanders over to me after paying for his things and places what looks like a bundle of beads in my hand. It looks similar to the bracelet he was playing with earlier, except this one is way brighter.

“What's this for?”

“It's a late Christmas present.”

“You... you bought it for me?”

He does his dorky innocent laugh and I slide it on my wrist, tilting it ever so slightly to watch the light reflect off the beads. They remind me of marbles, but way better.

“Now we match.”

“Thanks, Armin.”

I shouldn't be feeling so happy over a gift, but my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest. I hate myself for pushing away such a sweet person. He was worried about me, I know he was, but my mind was too caught up in self loathing and constantly blaming myself for what happened to my mother. I was an idiot to put it lightly.

I'm relieved more than anything. I thought this day would go terribly, or Armin would decide I wasn't worth the time of day. He's put more effort into this than I could ever dream of doing. I want to call him my best friend again, but is it too soon? We only just started talking a day ago, but was our friendship ever broken in the first place?

We're left to browse around he store until Mikasa finishes trying on twenty different things. She comes out of the change room wearing something different every 5 minutes, calling the both of us over to give our opinion. In the end, she ended up buying everything.

“Hey, Eren.”

Mikasa again. Somehow managing to yell loud enough for me to hear her. She's standing by a rack of clearance items, skimming through the assorted shirts and god knows what else. She has her own purchased things hanging from her arms in giant white bags. It doesn't take her forever to pay for something. Armin and I shuffle over to her and she shoves something into my chest before I can ask her what she wants.

“Try that on.”

Armin reacts before me, taking the shirt from my arms and holding it up to examine if it's worth putting on. It's tiny that's for sure; a cropped tank top with small spots all over it. Does she know I wear this sort of thing, or is this a shot in the dark?

“Why that one?”

“It will look good on you, trust me.”

“Are you some sort of fashion expert now?”

“I always was. Now put that on, and take these shorts too.”

Shorts? She does realize it's the middle of winter, right? We don't get much snow here, but it's not the kind of weather you wear shorts in, unless you want to get a few odd glances. It's sweater weather, not tank top. Though, that explains what they're doing on the clearance rack.

I accept my fate and head towards the change rooms, inspecting the clothes on the way there. The jean shorts Mikasa picked out look pretty nice and match the shirt oddly well. I put everything on in a matter of seconds and I spend a little too much time looking at myself in the full length mirror, blushing at the thought of Levi staring at me while wearing everything. The spots on the top match my eyes and I know that's something he'll appreciate.

I do a final rotation before changing back, tucking the clothes under my arm and heading straight for the check out. Mikasa has this knowing grin on her face and she's insanely proud of herself for getting me to buy something she deemed so fitting. They're cheap too, so they won't break the bank.

It's hard to keep a straight face when buying them. I end up blushing when the cashier folds the tiny shorts and puts them in a bag for me. There's no use trying to convince her they're for someone else. I doubt she cares that much.

“I take it you liked everything?”

Mikasa is the first to speak when I return to my position beside her, rolling the handle of the bag around my fingers. She adjusts her purse on her shoulder and I nod, a little embarrassed at how much I liked her taste in clothes. She has an odd style, but I admire it to a weird degree. I'm thinking she may have gone down the wrong career path when she chose a phys ed teacher.

“I bet Levi is going to like it too.”

Damn it, Armin. Now is not the time for me to be heating up again. I receive a small jab to my side, as if I didn't understand what he was implying. Mikasa laughs a little along with him like a big dork. It's nice that they're laughing instead of being repulsed. Nothing feels better than being accepted by the people you admire. They actually like me for who I am.

All three of us end up going to a few more clothing stores, and even stopping by a smoothie booth as a snack. Mikasa ends up blowing the most money out of all of us and has to get Armin to carry most of the bags for her. Along with his shirt, Armin bought nothing else besides a new phone case to which he saw mine and thought it was adorable. I'm glad we both have a profound love for cats.

After shopping we sat outside with our smoothies to wait for our rides. Armin borrowed his grandfather's car so he opted to wait with us instead of leaving right away. He figured Mikasa would need help loading the car with her twenty pound bags of clothes. I took a seat on the small ledge of the building with my knees tucked up to my face. Mikasa speaks first as usual.

“We should all go out to dinner sometime.”

“I'm down for that. I can pick you guys up if you want.”

“Nothing too expensive.”

I nod with a light smile, trying to balance my drink on my knee. It's not working out so well.

“You should invite Levi, Eren. Then I could finally meet him.”

“What do you mean 'finally'? You heard about him a day ago.”

“I'm impatient, alright?”

Armin pulls of the best grumpy face I've seen from anyone. It would be convincing if it weren't for the smirk hiding under his frown.

“Why don't you invite someone, Armin?”

“Like who?”

“A girlfriend maybe. Or I could invite Annie.”

Now it's Mikasa giving the jab to the side. I've never met Annie before, but apparently Armin has. And by the looks of it, he enjoyed the meeting a little too much. That must mean he's single now. With the amount of school work he must have, that's not overly shocking.

“N-no. That's alright.”

“What about you, Mikasa?

Now I'm curious.

“What about me?”

“Don't you have a boyfriend?”

“Not yet. Most of the guys I meet are complete tools anyways.”

A low pitched honk grabs out attention to a small white car on the curb. I'm assuming it's Mikasa ride by the way she pipes up and grabs her bags. Armin does the same and even I grab a bag or two to make myself useful. It's a female driver which is Annie, judging by how nervous Armin looks while approachable the car. She gets out and waves with a hint of a smile and he waves back shyly.

She's the shortest of all of us by far and has blonder hair then Armin tied up in a clip. Now I get to give him those side glances instead of the other way around. He can amuse himself all he wants with the thought of me having a boyfriend and I can do the same to him and his potential girlfriend.

Mikasa hugs both of us after the car trunk is jam packed with her bags, nearly choking me while Armin watches with a stifled laugh.

“Both of you text me when you get home. I want to make sure you're not in a ditch somewhere.”

“Will do.”

Armin and I wait on the curb until the small white car can't be seen anymore. He leads the way back to the ledge and gives an exhausted sigh when he sits down. We've been walking around the mall for hours which doesn't do our legs any favors.

“That was Annie, wasn't it?”

Of course it was, but I want to take a few more shots at him. My voice tells him everything.

“Don't start with me, Eren. I know she's way out of my league.”

His posture visibly slumps and he shoves his hands into his pant pockets. That's not what I was going for.

“Why's that?”

“I don't know... she just is. Besides, I'm way too awkward to talk to her.”

“She waved at you.”

“That was her being nice.”

Damn, he's more pessimistic than me.

“You're not giving yourself enough credit. I don't see why she wouldn't want to go out with you.”

“I haven't even talked to her yet. Don't start up about our relationship status.”

I laugh quietly and he gives me a smirk that cheers me up more than it should. There's a silence that passes between us and I set my drink down to fiddle with the beads on my wrist. There's been something I've wanted to talk to him about since I got out of the car, but with Mikasa around, it didn't seem right considering she wasn't around when the two of us had our falling out.

“Armin...”

I feel his eyes fall on me, even if I'm not looking at him.

“I know it's a little late, but... I'm sorry... for hurting you.”

There's another silence for him to process what I just said. I wasn't referencing when I playfully pushed him into the wall earlier. I hate for our moment to get serious like this, but he needs to know how much I regret treating him like shit.

“Eren, you don't have to apologize for-”

“I do. I know you were only trying to help. But back then, I was too upset to realize it.”

The thought of him getting near me was enough to get me mad. I didn't want anyone pitying me or telling me how sorry they were as if my mother dying was something they could have prevented. Armin made the costly mistake of telling me that.

“I always thought you didn't want me around anymore.”

“That's not it. My mother meant everything to me and after she died, I was too afraid to get close to anyone.”

My trust and care for the world died along with her. And it wasn't just Armin. I pushed Mikasa away and stayed locked in my room after school so I wouldn't have to talk to her. My blades became my best friends in a twisted sort of way.

“So... I'm sorry. For everything.”

“Apology accepted then.”

“Do you mean that?  
“Of course I do. I don't want you to think all of that was your fault because it wasn't. I never should have pushed you to talk to me. What matters is we're both here and trying to fix things.”

“You don't hate me... do you?”

“No way. I thought you were the one who hated me.”

“I could never hate you, Armin. I couldn't ask for a better friend than you. I'm the asshole who drove you away

“Well we're here now. I'm willing to forget everything if you are.”

“Definitely.”

We both need a new start. I need to forget about the shitty mistakes I made and focus on living the way I want. There are a lot of things I regret, but I can't undo anything. All I can do is move forward.

“Is it alright if I text you every once in awhile?”

“You don't need to ask to do that.”

That crushing weight on my chest has lifted and I can breathe like a normal person. The fact I can call Armin my friend again is the best feeling in the world. It's screwed up to think we hated each other because of one fight. Mind you, it was a violent one on my part, but I could never hate someone, especially Armin. He was the first and one of the only friends I ever had. I wouldn't give that up for anything, but I thought it was too late the moment my fist connected with his shoulder. The damage was done and I didn't see a point in trying.

“There's a lot I still need to tell you, but I don't know if I'm ready yet.”

“I don't mind if you never tell me, I just want to know you're alright.”

There might never be a time when I come clean to Armin and Mikasa about my disgusting habits. It's nice to know I don't rely on physical pain anymore, but I hate remembering that I was so dependent on it. They might see the bandages on my arms and think nothing of it, or they might freak out. It's hard to say for sure. Telling them won't effect our relationship that much, but I hate resorting to lies.

“Is that your ride?”

My eyes glance across the lot to Levi parked on the curb a few paces away. His car sticks out so bad, but that makes it easier to find in a crowd.

I get up and grab my things, turning back to Armin who's kept his hands in his pockets as he leans back against the wall. He's trying so hard to stare through the semi tinted windows at Levi, but it failing miserably and looks like he's squinting into the sun.

“You're such a creep.”

“I'm just curious.”

I roll my eyes and snap my fingers in front of his face to catch his attention.

“What?”

“We're having a new years party at our apartment. I want you to be there.”

“Really?”

“Mikasa is coming too. And then you can finally creep more on Levi.”

“That's not going to be my reason for going.”

“You never know.”

“Don't be a dork. Text me the details and I'll be there.”

I can barely get a laugh out before I'm pulled against his chest. His hugs are similar to my sisters; protective and caring. I might be looking into them too much. Either way, it feels nice. A hug is so small, yet means so much.

“It was nice to finally see you again, Eren.”

“You too.”

It's so hard not to cry, but I do well at holding it back. I nod and turn back to jog to Levi's car. He's fiddling with his phone and I startle him when I open the door. My bags are tossed in the back so he has to wait until we get home to see what I bought. I get comfy in the seat and watch Armin find his car in the sea of neutral colours. He gives a final wave and I return it, slipping into his car when Levi starts to pull out.

“How did it go?”

I guess he missed the ending hug.

“Surprisingly well.”

“I'll need details when we get back.”

“You don't think Erwin would mind that I invited Armin to the new years party, do you?”

“You could invite the whole damn country and he wouldn't care.”

That's what I love about Erwin. He's the best roommate anyone could possibly have.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I grab it within seconds, sliding it open to see the new message notification. The fact it's from Armin makes me smile like an idiot. Just when I thought I'd never see him again, we're back to being the way were were all those years ago. I couldn't ask for more.

**Armin: I'll see you on new years :)**

 


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone for the insanely late chapter T_T I've been going through some personal stuff, but I have no left this fic to die. Thank you for everyone who is still reading and for all the wonderful comments <3

 

December 31st came faster than I thought. It felt as though I went to bed for ten minutes and five days had gone by. It didn't help that I only had to work one day, so most of my time was spent with Levi curled up in bed with the laptop. No one ever wants to do anything over the holidays and I'm completely fine with that.

I had plenty of time to fill in Levi with the details of my day with Armin and Mikasa. He stayed silent and let me ramble on as much as I wanted. He learned more about my childhood in that moment than I'd told him since we met. The look on his face told me he was glad everything went well. It makes my day easier when I wake up to see someone other than Petra has texted me. I smile like a dork while replying.

I spent most of the day sleeping while Erwin did most of the running around to get everything together for the new years party. I was glad to hear it wasn't going to be crazy; just a few close friends and colleagues getting together to drink. I was happy to hear Petra, and even Auruo would be showing up, but I was more exited to see my sister and Armin again.

He fixed up the apartment the best he could while Levi redid all of his work claiming it was 'too sloppy'. Floors were swept and vacuumed, chips were piled mountain high into bowls, plenty of alcoholic drinks were strewn around the table, and even board games were piled next to the couch. I had to appreciate how much effort Erwin put into everything. He's the definition of a perfect host. He must get it from his parents.

I'm now sitting on the couch in my new shorts sipping quietly on a juice box I found in the back of the fridge. Levi is the first to give me an annoyed look when I get to the bottom and suck even harder on the straw to get everything out. I'm not wasting three drops of perfectly good juice. I stick my tongue out at him and bounce to the kitchen to throw out the drink.

“Is that my shirt?”

I'm not surprised he noticed. I figured he'd point it out earlier, but cleaning was higher on his priority list than watching me sit on the couch doing nothing. I think Erwin noticed, but didn't feel the need to say anything.

I agree with a small noise; turning around and folding my arms behind my back to show off my outfit. Personally, I think I look pretty good. Levi's shirts are a little too big for me, so I had to tie it off at the side. It goes well with my new shorts, and matching clothes make me feel like a fashion model or something.

Levi stares for a little longer than intended and turns away to resume polishing whatever surface he's sprayed with cleaner. The whole apartment smells like someone shit out a lemon tree.

“I think you should change.”

My face falls into a pout and I glance down to see if something is out of place. I figured he would like it. It's not often I find a combination of clothes I enjoy wearing so much. Maybe I should have asked before stealing his clean dress shirt out of the closet.

“But... why?”

“Because if you don't, I can't be held accountable for my actions.”

Erwin nearly chokes on his spit and my pout turns from a frown into a dorky smile in seconds. What an idiot.

Maybe one of these days he'll learn to keep his dick in his pants. With company around, he'll have to refrain from touching me certain places; where he kisses when we're alone. I have way too much control over him when it comes to my body.

I make my way over to him; leaning over to wrap my arms around his neck to watch him clean. He's been scrubbing the same spot for the past ten minutes, yet it's still not good enough for him. Any surface Erwin cleans, Levi immediately redoes it. If he worked in housekeeping, he would finish one room every week.

“You really like it that much?”

“Yes...”

Erwin gets to his feet with a low chuckle removing any extra pens or odds and ends laying around the coffee table to make the room completely spotless like on the cover of a home magazine.

“You look fine, Eren.”

“That's the problem.”

I peek over his shoulder to find his cheeks starting to flush, and I have to pause for a moment to make sure what I'm seeing is real. I suppose having me pressed against his back isn't helping. This is payback for all those times he teased me through an entire movie; refusing to touch me any further until it was done.

“Think of it as good practice for self control.”

Levis' response is a simple roll of his eyes. As much as I don't want to be a distraction for him, it makes me feel good to know he'll be looking at me with a hint of fondness and desire. I'm not used to that when it comes to my looks, so I'll soak it up now while I can.

I pipe up when there's a knock at the door, eager to run over to see who it is. It's only 5pm, but I wanted Armin and Mikasa to show up earlier so I could see them again. I'm already starting my clingy behavior, but none of them seemed to mind coming over before everyone else.

Erwin answers the door like the gentleman he is and a smile spreads onto my face when the people I was expecting step through into the living room. Something comes up my throat in the form of a squeak that only Levi notices- thank god.

My greeting is a hug from both of them that I wanted to last forever. Mikasa steps back and admires the fact I'm wearing the shorts she wanted me to buy so badly and Armin notices the bracelet I have on my wrist. It's so simple to make both of them happy.

Levi stands and finally gets a good look at the friend I was ranting on and on about the other day. His first glimpse was from the car a mile away in the parking lot. I hope they like each other. It took awhile for Mikasa to warm up to him since she claimed it looked like he wanted to kill someone. In a weird way, the scowl on his face is part of the reason I love him. Does that make sense?

“You must be Levi.”

The smile on Armin's face is even dorkier than mine.

“I am.”

“I've been dying to meet you.”

Levi looks confused and the expression on his face is priceless. I bet he's wondering what I told Armin to make him so giddy over meeting him. He accepts Armin's handshake and Mikasa is trying her hardest not to laugh at the whole situation happening in front of her. I can only imagine how bouncy he was in the car on the ride over here.

“Can I ask why?”

“Well, why wouldn't I want to meet Eren's boy toy?”

“Armin!”

It hasn't been five minutes and I'm blushing out of pure embarrassment. Mikasa finally bursts out in laughter while Armin continues to look at Levi with a grin like nothing happened. That's one way of greeting each other I guess. Not the route I would have gone.

“Can we change the subject please?”

I'd rather not have Armin spewing his dirty mind all night; sharing how he knows Levi and I had sex three times on his birthday or anything else I accidentally shared. I know he wouldn't hesitate to mention that. He's not the same innocent boy I knew throughout elementary school. Someone must have corrupted his mind or something.

Levi is looking at him like he's grown another head, but doesn't look angry with the selection of words. Erwin just looks like he finds the whole situation amusing like a sit com. Mikasa calms herself down and looks through all the games on the table. They must have been stashed in a closet somewhere. Twister is among them and I haven't played that game in ages, or any board game for that matter.

I give Armin a short and very simple tour of the apartment since they're not massive like a three story condo or anything. He gives me this look of amusement when I say Levi and I have been sharing his room. He thinks we're sex machines. We finish by plopping down on the couch and I nibble on a chip in Levi's lap. I don't care if my friends are staring.

“Who else is coming?”

It's Armin who speaks first. He reminds me of Erwin in away with how easy it is for him to break the silence and act like he's in the comfort of his own home. They both have the blonde hair and blue eyes too, which I find pretty funny. Erwin is about double his size though. They're both weirdly charismatic.

Mikasa smiles softly at me when I lean back against Levi's chest as he holds me around the waist. I know she's happy for me, even if she's not certain if she completely likes Levi yet or not. I don't see why she wouldn't, but she's always been protective and skeptical about everyone. I hope he doesn't take it personally if he's noticed.

“Just a few more people I know from work. A few old friends, so nothing crazy.”

I know Petra and Auruo will show up a little later. I've never met any of Erwin's friends, but he ditched the dickheads he was around in high school so he must be a good judge of character. I doubt I have anything to worry about, unless they don't like my sexuality.

“Are you dating anyone, Erwin?”

Damn Mikasa and her curious brain. It's pretty obvious that she finds him attractive if her sidelong glaces mean anything. I don't blame her since he's a picture perfect model. Any woman- or man- wouldn't be able to look away. He's pretty to look at, but not my type.

“I am. She should be here tonight.”

“About fucking time.”

“I didn't realize you were so eager to meet her, Levi.”

“I swear you do these things just to piss me off.”

Armin looks between them and takes an uneasy bite of a chip as if he'll disturb their little feud with the noise.

“Am I missing something?”

“Only that Erwin is a dick.”

“I might have failed to mention I was seeing someone to this little hothead over here. Though as I recall, he never told me he was dating Eren.”

“That was your own stupidity. It was pretty obvious.”

It's an innocent squabbling match that I roll my eyes to and curl up closer to the warmth of Levi's sweater. He smells strongly of old spice and lavender. I bet he stole some of my body wash after running out of his own. He complains about the fruity smell, but I know he secretly likes it. I miss his old smell too, so he needs to buy more before I lose it.

Most of the evening is our little group eating snacks and chatting over the background noise of the TV. I have no idea what we're watching. I'm more interested in the conversation and learning about the most important people in my life. This is my family and I love each and every member so much that it hurts. It's like a dream and I'm afraid to open my eyes. Whenever Mikasa smiles or when Armin makes a dorky joke it's like I'm a little kid again. I want to cry, but I don't want anyone thinking I'm upset when it's the exact opposite.

Levi isn't paying much attention to the tv or the chatting. He's more focused on touching my waist whenever I lean forward to grab another handful of chips. My outfit is driving him nuts and I'm an ass for not changing. He'll get over it and learn to look without touching.

Hanji is the first to show up at the apartment with a massive smile and a bag full of liquor. At first I thought she had the wrong house, but it turns out her and Erwin are good friends.. There must be a small age gap, so I doubt they met through school. Family friends maybe? It's weird to be at the same little party as your boss, but Hanji is an odd ball unlike anyone else I've met. Of course she needs a game face at work, but now that I see her crazy hair and vibrant outfit, she's not like that at all.

A couple of Erwin's friends show up past nine and they're exactly as I would expect Erwin's friends to be; clean cut, muscular, probably all graduated at the top of their class. The kind of people that make you feel like scum, but you can't hate them because they're so nice. The dark haired one catches my eyes with a small wave, completely unphased that I'm sitting on another guy's lap. I like him already.

The drinks come open and I sip on a cooler instead of hard liquor like everyone else. I prefer fruity drinks that don't burn my throat and leave me with a hangover. Erwin dug out his old school Nintendo and challenged everyone to some drunk driving in Mario Kart. I only watched, but it was still funny to see a bunch of guys get so worked up over coming last in a video game. Armin was one of them and he immediately became liked by Erwin's group of friends. I'm not surprised. It's impossible not to like Armin.

Petra and Auruo showed up in the middle of the game and watched from the sidelines, pouring drinks for the losers. It turned into a cycle of losing and getting more drunk only to lose again. By the end, no one could tell if they were driving on the road or in the dirt, but I bet they didn't care.

Hanji made it more difficult by throwing on some music in the background and dancing like a mad woman. Mikasa joined in after a few drinks and it's nice to see her unwind for once. I bet she's been so stressed over school and work, and the whole situation with me that she hasn't had a good time in awhile. She deserves a break more than anyone.

It's dark outside before I know it and I wander into the kitchen, finally getting off of Levi's lap so he can take part in the drinking. I don't want to hold him back from partying with his friends all because I want someone to stay sober with me. I glance out across the island to see him hunched on the floor with a controller gripped in his hands. Erwin is nudging his ribs to get him to screw up and everyone else laughs at the insults he spews.

I can't help smile a little even if I'm not a apart of it. I make sure the kitchen is spotless and even clean out some of the snack bowls so I don't have to worry about them later. There's a soft knock at the door that no one else seems to notice, so I take it upon myself to answer it. The music is going to make me deaf by the end of the night. No one else in the complex cares since they're all doing the same thing.

There's a single girl standing in the doorway when I open it. Long hair curled past her shoulders and a cream white dress that would be more suitable for summer weather rather than winter. It's pretty though. She looks way too happy to be standing here alone.

“I'm late aren't I?”

She smiles when she looks past me to the group of guys laughing and shouting at the TV. I don't recognize her from work, so she must be one of Erwin's friends. Or maybe-

“A-Are you Marry?”

“I am. You must be Eren.”

I nod a little shy, my face turning red from having her smile at me like that. I invite her in and close the door, but no one turns their heads. The girls are off dancing over by the window while the guys curse at some fictional characters. She follows me into the kitchen which I'm not expecting, but it's nice to have some sort of company.

“I didn't realize Erwin mentioned me.”

“Only once. He probably wanted it to be a surprise.”

I vaguely remember Erwin's mother dropping the name when I was at their place for thanksgiving. I never conjured up an image to go with the name, but she's the definition of perfection. Her and Erwin could be a poster couple for the corniest movie ever. I'd still watch it though.

She blushes a little at my comment, wiping some invisible dust off of her skirt. I'm still not sure why she's around me unless she's not interested in the drinking chaos our boyfriends are taking part in. I don't know who's winning, but it's not either of them by the sounds of it. She peeks out across the island and giggles a little when she sees how ridiculous they look.

“So... Erwin must have mentioned me then.”

I look away and pretend to be wiping off the counter when I've already done it at least five times over. Marry knew who I was the moment I answered the door, so what exactly has Erwin said? Would she be looking at me so innocent if he told her how messed up I was? I doubt it. She's as clueless as everyone else and maybe that's a good thing. I'd like to forget I ever hurt myself the way I did. I want to start over.

“Of course he did. You live with the guy after all. I also hear you're dating his best friend.”

“Y-yes.”  
“In that case, we'll need to have a double date sometime.”

That sounds oddly nice. I know Levi and I haven't had a lot of time to go out on dates or even for a nice dinner, especially now with all the holidays bombarding us one after another. Whenever he went out, it was always with Erwin to pick out gifts and whatever else and I didn't want to intrude on their time. Erwin also insisted they needed someone to watch the apartment, whatever that's supposed to mean.

I look up from my cleaning and watch Marry's gaze drift across the room. She has those eyes that seem like they're looking far off at something no one else can see. Like the whole room is the ocean and she's staring at the horizon. They're also a deep colour of brown that remind me of my mother and how she would often stare out the window at nothing. Day dreaming perhaps.

“Have they been doing that all night?”

“It's gotten louder. I think the alcohol is getting to their brains.”

She laughs and takes a few steps out once she spots the group of girls dancing to heavy base in their own corner of the living room. Mikasa has lost some of her clothing and Hanji is no longer the picture perfect boss I see every day. I bet she has no idea the girl she's touching is my sister. I don't really care though. Mikasa is old enough to make her own decisions.

“I'm going to join them. Come with me.”

“But... really?”

“Dancing has got to be more fun than staying in here.”

Her small hand reaches out and tugs at my sleeve until I give in and follow her out into the room where the music pulses through my whole body. I'm not half has buzzed as everyone here, but there's a little alcohol swirling around in my system. It will help me unwind if I have another cooler. I do just that; taking one from the table and enjoying the taste of strawberry as is slides down my throat. The burn is there, but not painful.

Mikasa notices me and grabs my hand, twirling me like I'm in the middle of a ballroom. I blush heavily when Hanji squeals and starts clapping, noticing the new addition to the dance party area. I could have brought in a flower pot and they would have danced with it, but a person is way better. Erwin finally notices the entrance of his girlfriend and shouts loudly with an obnoxious wave she returns eagerly. They're perfect for each other and it's nice to see someone look so happy from seeing their partner.

I let my body move on its own,my hips swaying a little, my hands pushing my hair out of my eyes so I don't run into the girls pressed against me. Mikasa looks like she does this for a living with how fluid she is; everything timed perfectly as if she knows the next note of the music perfectly. Her long hair falling over her face like a shampoo commercial that makes me wish I could grow my hair out. I bet I would look weird though.

I bounce a little on my feet, hopping and sliding making up moves as I see fit. No one here cares if I'm not an expert. You don't need to be good at dancing to enjoy yourself. I'm starting to sweat and pant softly, only getting a break when the song fades only to start a new one. They're all songs I recognize and all super loud so I can't hear the TV behind us. Hanji does the honors of turning down the lights so it feels more like a night club than an apartment.

Some of the guys lose interest in the video game and join in with bottles of beer in hand. I'm pressed against so many people that I don't even care how much I'm moving. Marry finds me again and I'm laughing like an idiot even when she twirls me again like Mikasa had. I bump into Armin and he nudges me, pointing past a few of the guys where Mikasa has made herself quite friendly with one of Erwin's buddies. Their simple touches turn into full blown grinding and the whole scene is pretty amusing.

I separate myself when I've lost all breath along with the last drops of alcohol in my hand. I push my hair to the side in an attempt to cool down and open one of the windows to feel the cold air instead of the muggy heat created from so many moving bodies. I few more people showed up that I hadn't noticed and have intertwined themselves throughout the living room. I wave at each of them because I have no fucks left to give.

Everyone else has so much energy and I'm ready to pass out. I have to stay up though. This will be my first time staying up until new years since my mother passed away. I never felt there was a point when I lived with my dad, and Jean would always leave to get drunk at a friends house so I stayed home. I want to stay up and celebrate with everyone else. My eyes glance past the kitchen clock and I only have less than an hour to go. I need a breather.

The only spot where I can be alone is in Erwin''s room. He considers it both our room, but he pays for the place so technically it's not mine at all. I've only been in it once to wake him up when he was late for school, like some paranoid mother. It's pretty simple and he's not one for posters- more like mountains of book about economy and other crap I don't care about. He watches sports like any other guy, but he breaks all stereotypes everywhere else.

I sneak into his room and close the door to block out some of the lyrics of the latest song Hanji put on. The base is really the only thing I can hear. I leave the lights off to relax my brain a little and step out the sliding glass doors the lucky bugger has in his room. It's a nice view once you're on the balcony. I could sit out here for hours, but I never have the time. There's a single chair and side table with nothing but an ashtray. Erwin doesn't smoke too often from what I know, so Levi must use this little area a lot more.

It's rare to see stars at all when you're in the city, but I can pick out little specks of white faintly littered in the sky. The moon is dull, but still pretty none the less. Apparently looking at nature is supposed to calm you down. I believe it. Looking at trees is a lot nicer than a bunch of noisy cars.

I step onto the balcony and lean against the railing, looking down at the few people walking bellow. They're obviously drunk on their way back from a party or liquor store. All the stores are closed so the streets are empty save for the night owls who want to see the year end. Some couldn't care less. It happens once a year like every other holiday, though it's often used for an excuse to drink yourself stupid.

It's amazing how much can happen over the course of a year. Some pass slowly and other fly by like you slept through a few months without realizing it. I haven't even known Levi for a year yet, though it seems like forever ago. I'm not complaining. There were some terrible things and some things that canceled out all the crap. I'd like to think losing Jean was worth it to have my life now. I hope he finds someone and moves on like I have. I don't hate him, but even now, I can't picture myself being with anyone else but Levi.

I shift my feet bellow me, thinking I should go back inside and get some slippers so my toes don't freeze off. It's too nice out here though. I toy with the bracelet around my wrist; the one covering up some of the scars left over from my stupid mistakes. I've been clean for a long time. The thoughts are still there and I don't know if that's ever something I'll be able to heal. I know now there are other things to make me happy when my emotions bubble over, but that doesn't stop me from remembering how good if felt to open my skin. In reality, it didn't help at all, but my brain liked to tell me it did.

I jolt a little, turning to look over my shoulder when I hear the bedroom door open. I should already know who it is, but I look surprised anyway. Levi joins me on the balcony, leaning on the railing and nudging my arm a little with a playful smirk.

“Why aren't you out playing games?”

“I should ask you that.”

It's not that I don't want to, but I've been no good at video games- except maybe that one Levi and I used to play online. As far as consol goes- you might as well blindfold me because I'll do just as well.

“I needed a break. I think the noise it getting to my head.”

He snorts and pull out his cigarettes from his sweater. I haven't seen him smoke in awhile though I know he's trying to cut back more than before. It's no longer an addition for me, more like something I do when I'm bored and have nothing else on the table. I didn't need any nicotine patch or any other kind of drug- I have Levi.

He lights it between his fingers and I snatch it to take a single drag and hand it back. He slides it between his lips and lets the stick dangle there; the ashes falling off the end after being lit up like hot coals. He makes smoking look sophisticated even though it's supposed to be seen as gross. I don't mind as long as he doesn't smoke like a chimney.

“Do you feel alright?”

He's been concerned for me the whole day. Every once in awhile he would look over his shoulder from the TV at me just in case. I get nervous around people, and he knows about my past party experience, but this is completely different. I feel safe here and everyone is familiar- even Erwin's friends are on my good side.

“Of course I am. I'm a little tired, but I'm okay.”

He looks content with my answer, taking a long drag and letting the white wisps of smoke dance in front of his lips. I used to pretend the frost from my breath was smoke when I was little. I'm sure every child as done that, thinking smoking will make them look grown up. You should never want to grow up too fast. Being in school is a lot better than living on your own and paying for bills.

“Have you seen Marry yet?”

“I have. She was the only girl I didn't recognize.”

“So, what do you think?”

“Erwin asked me the same thing.”

“And?”

“I don't see why he needs my approval.”

I laugh softly, moving a little closer so I can feel the heat of his skin. Levi is always so warm and I swear he has a build in heater in his chest. He doesn't look cold at all meanwhile I'm shivering like a leaf.

“You're his best friend. He's just curious.”

“It's not like he'd break up with her if I didn't like her, so it's pointless.”

“Don't be a dick.”

“It's true.”

“It is, but that doesn't mean he can't ask your opinion.”

He huffs with a small roll of his eyes and I have to laugh a little.

“So, what did you think of her?”

“She's nice. Pretty much what I'd expect from a guy like Erwin.”

“You mean to have someone who looks so perfect?”

He gives me this look and huffs out another breath returning to cigarette to his lips. No one can be perfect, but there are some people who come insanely close. I'm sure Marry has her own flaws and insecurities, but for now she's the kind of person I wish I could be. She's really pretty and has a perfect smile. On top of that, she seems really nice.

“Depends on what your definition of perfection is.”

It would be nice to mold myself a perfect body and also be likable instead of an antisocial dork. I don't like how thin I am or how my hips are a little bigger than they should be. I hate my eyes and how I look like a nerd when I have my glasses on. I know all those people on the magazine covers are fake and airbrushed to hell, but that still doesn't make the image any less desirable.

“And what's your definition?”

He pauses and presses the butt of the cigarette into the ashtray, snuffing it out and letting the scene linger. I watch him instead of the scenery in front of us. To be honest, I like looking at him more.

“You.”

“Y-you... what?”

“You. You're my definition.”

“D-don't be cheesy. I'm asking seriously.”

“I am serious.”

“Y-you're insane.”

I blush hard, trying my best to look away so he can't see. He touches my chin and guides me a little closer, brushing out lips together and settling for a small kiss. I don't mind the smell of smoke on his breath. He makes it smell good as if it's been mixed with soap. The contact makes me shudder forming goosebumps on my legs. I'm only wearing these shorts so Mikasa would be happy about it. They were her idea after all.

My eyes flutter a little and we're sharing breaths when he pulls away so he can look at me blushing. My chest feels so warm.

“Eren-”

“You guys are gonna miss it!”

I jerk away when Armin nearly falls through the door with a glass of- something. Liquor most likely judging by how clumsy he is. I never thought I would see the day where Armin gets fall over drunk. There's a first for everything.

“Miss what?”

“The drop in the one place.”

“The what?”

“On TV!”

Oh. The ball drop. It's always the same thing every year but it's hyped up so everyone watches. I'm sure it would be much more exciting to be there in person rather than watch it through a screen. It's more of a tradition than anything- it somehow makes starting a new year official. Looks like everyone here wants to watch it. I can see the light of the TV through the bedroom door. I didn't notice the music shut off either.

“Get out here or you're gonna miss it!”

He turns and stumbles out the door shouting something at Hanji about pouring him another drink before closing the door behind him. Levi looks dumbfounded and I stand there trying to cover a laugh with the back of my hand. He's not going to like the hangover in the morning.

“There's still fifteen minutes.”

“He's obviously more excited than you.”

Levi rolls his eyes again and tucks his pack of cigarettes back into his pocket. Maybe we can come out here later. There's only one chair, but I'm sure we could make it work. I sit on his lap all the time anyways.

“I guess we should head out.”

I can last a few more minutes before passing out. If I can make it to midnight then that's an accomplishment. I'm starting to get cold out here now that the sweat has left my body. Levi follows me silently inside, sliding the door back so we don't lose any heat. I'm starting to warm up already.

“Eren, wait-”

Levi's hand is around my wrist before I can take another step. I meet his eyes and there's an expression on his face I can't read. I have to tilt my head a little like a dog to show my concern and confusion. He releases my arm and I pull it against my chest but don't move. I'm assuming he wants me to stay here a little longer, but why?

“Do you not want to watch the ball drop with everyone?”

“It's not that...”

Is this about my outfit? I must have been driving him crazy all day, but now is hardly the time for a quick hook up. I know Levi is into sexual things, but I'm sure he can wait another fifteen minutes.

“There's... something I've been wanting to ask you.”

I don't know if I should be worried or not.

“A-alright.”

I try to hold the small shake in my voice. He could be wondering a billion things, I just wish he'd waited until everyone is gone just in case it's something emotional. From the look on his face, I'd say that assumption is pretty damn close. Levi never beats around the bush. If he wanted to ask me something he would just come out and say it. What makes it weirder is that he's getting down on one- Oh my god.

“L-Levi...”

I stumble a little, backing my legs into the bed when he takes the hand I'd been holding against my chest. For a second I think this has to be a joke, but he slips a small box from his pocket and my whole body starts to tremble. I'm not in control of anything. This isn't real. There's no way it can be. Wake up. I have to take a small look around the room to make sure there aren't any cameras telling me this is fake.

My hand is shaking so badly in his hold. He releases it to open the small box and I press a bawled up fist to my lips to hide a hideous noise I make. Levi says my noises are cute, but this is nothing but a choked sob mixed with a laugh. The small ring is so pretty. There's no way it's for me. I look into those stormy eyes and I know for sure he's serious.

That look of nervousness wipes off his face and is replaced with one of his little smiles that I don't see too often, but I love when I do. I smile beneath my hand and let the tears brimming my eyes fall across my cheeks. I wipe at them frantically with my hand, keeping the other across my chest so my heart doesn't fall out of my body or come up my throat.

“Eren... I know this is sudden, but-”

I can't stop shaking. I'm trying to concentrate on him, but I keep staring at the stone reflecting the small bit of light coming from the door. He's at a loss for words and looks down slightly as if trying to think of something perfect to say. I could care less at this point.

“Hell, I've never been good at this romantic stuff. I asked you out in a bathroom for fuck sakes.”

I choke out a small laugh, sniffling to try and breathe again. That's the Levi I came to love.

“But... I know that I love you and I don't want anyone else.”

“I-I love you too.”

My voice is gross. The tears are blocking my vision and won't stop. I want this. I want it so bad that I don't know how to respond. We've barely known each other for a year, but I know for sure that I won't regret it. Every moment has been special and Levi cares so much that he's altered my life in ways I never thought possible. Those blades I once clung to are at the bottom of a river because of him. He's the one who started helping me heal.

“We can start a new year together and I promise I'll always be there.”

I can start over. The year is gone and I want to forget about all the pain I went through to get here. Starting fresh is what I need. No blades, no drugs, just Levi. Some people might call me insane for considering this since I'm only 19, but if we really love each other, then what's the big problem?

Just hurry up and say it.

“Eren, will you marry me?”

“Y-yes.”

I nod my head frantically but manage to squeak out that one word I wanted to say so badly. He keeps the smirk planted on his face and stands so I can finally wrap my arms around his neck and cry like a baby. My eyes bury themselves in the crook of his neck and I never want to pull away. His own arms are warm when they're around my waist but they don't do much to calm my shaking. I doubt anything will.

I don't calm down much when he pulls away to take the ring out of the box. It's so pretty. My hand is trembling as he takes it to slip the small band over my finger. It fits perfectly and of course Levi would get my size on the dot. I swear he's memorized my body. He tries to wipe away my tears, but they're only replaced within seconds.

I toy with the stone on the band to make sure it's real and it won't crumble only to find this is a dream. It would be just like a mind to do something terrible like that.

“Y-you didn't have to-”

“I wanted to.”

He must have spent a fortune on this. Diamond jewelry isn't the cheapest thing in the world. He could have proposed to me with a ring pop and i still would have said yes. He proposed to me. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that fact. This isn't a movie or some fairy tale although it sure feels like one.

Even Levi's hands are shaking a little while his thumbs are on my cheeks. He must have been nervous from the start; waiting all day and planning this in his brain until I was alone. I can't begin to imagine the thoughts running through his head. I bet he was thinking I'd say no.

“I-I love you, Levi.”

He kisses me as a response which tells me everything I need to know. His hands on my cheeks are warm and soft. I stand up on my toes to deepen the kiss and savor every moment. Does this mean I get to be Eren Ackerman? It sounds so odd saying it in my head. I'm in too much of a rush to marry him right now and skip all the ceremony stuff.

“I think my legs are frozen.”

“Does this mean I have to carry you out?”

All I want is to stay in here and hold him until morning, but Armin is still waiting for us to get out in front of the tv. If he's that drunk, maybe he forgot, but I'm not banking on it. I keep staring at my fingers; still shaking and my heart pounding against my rib cage. It's like I'm waiting for the ring to crumble away and be nothing but a dream. I should have Levi punch me in the face just to make sure.

There's muffled shouting and cheering in the next room and it's about time we joined everyone. Levi takes my hand and threads our fingers that seems to fit together so perfectly. My legs find some feeling again when I take my first step towards the door. I'm clinging to his shirt like I'm going to fall over, though it would help if I watched where I was going instead of staring at the stone. I bet Mikasa is going to freak out.

The only one that notices our entrance is Erwin who has this knowing smile on his face when his eyes meet Levi. Has he known about this? He gives a cheesy thumbs up and Levi rolls his eyes to and move to join the rest of the group. Maybe he helped Levi pick out the ring. That would explain them insisting I stay home instead of help shop for presents. What cheeky assholes. Everyone else is so fixated on the tv but I don't mind. I can save the surprise for my friends later.

I find a spot behind the couch and lean on it a little. Armin's face is so close to the screen he reminds me of a cat. Speaking of cats, Max must be hiding under the bed trying to sleep. I wish him luck. The poor thing isn't used to so many people being around.

Levi's arms wrap around my waist and he rests his head on my shoulder. His breath on my neck gives me cold chills, but at least his hands are warm. His hold body is warm and I'm jealous. All the more excuse to bury myself in him on cold days. He hates it when my feet brush against his legs when we're sleeping. He compares them to ice cubes. It's not my fault I have no blood circulation.

There's so many lights dancing around the room from all the colours and screens in time square. It would be pretty exciting to be there in person right now. All the confetti and screaming people would be enough to put you in a good mood. Everyone in the room starts screaming the countdown as if they just won the lottery. Alcohol does crazy things to people.

“Five!”

“Four!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

“Happy new year!”

Hanji nearly falls off the couch throwing her glasses in the air; obviously too drunk to give a damn about breaking them. Armin starts with some weird dance and takes another shot ans everyone else is cheering clinking their cups and bottles together and hugging each other in their own celebration of a new start. I have all I need to start a new year.

Mikasa has her own little date happening in the corner if the kiss they share is an indication of anything. They've both been staring at each other so it was about time they acted on that. I guess I'll have to wait until later to tell her the big news.

Levi kisses my cheek and I snuggle into his chest; holding his hands that are now curled around my stomach tapping playfully bellow my navel. I want to push him into the bed and take in every inch of his touches, but we'll have to wait until everyone is either gone or passed out, and no one looks tired yet.

“Bedroom?”

Levi's breath is hot against my ear and I turn to meet his eyes and he has that smirk that I can't resist.

“Now?”

He nods and I look around cautiously. I'm not patient right now. No one will notice us slip away from the party. They'll assume we're asleep.

Levi takes my hand and guides me into his room, which (thank god) has a lock on the door. He closes it and flicks the lock so make sure we're completely alone. I lay down on his bed, parting my legs so he can crawl between them with ease. He kisses up my neck and I pull him to my lips which I've been waiting to do for a long time.

“You're eager aren't you?”

So he noticed. I blush and slap him playfully on the nose.

“This will be my first time making love as your fiance.”

He laughs and it's that low chuckle that he gives instead of a full blown laugh. It's attractive that way as opposed to my gross squeaking.

“You're too cute.”

“Whatever.”

“And I forgot to tell you something.”

“What?”

“Happy new year.”

 

 

 

 


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy late holidays! *throws chapter and runs*

I don't remember coming here. I know I was tired after all the partying, but since when did I wander off into the basement? Better question; who's basement am I in? Its looks familiar somehow but it's too dark to see much of anything. I was in bed with Levi, so how did I wind up here? I didn't drink enough to get that drunk. I must be an extreme lightweight. No more coolers for me.

The floor is hard and cold. It reminds me of a horror film where some dark creature will come out of the shadows and eat me alive. It would sound ridiculous if it didn't feel so real. I'm alone and that scares me more than anything. My body is like a rock and I can't move without getting exhausted. I'm so confused. I try to stand but I'm forced back down by some invisible pressure. I call out for Levi, but there's no answer.

My voice doesn't go unnoticed. There's a man here. He looks way taller and older than Levi. It must be someone I know. I shiver and pull my legs up to my chest to avoid the cold breeze hitting my arms. Breeze? How does that make any sense? I'm indoors. My mind must be going crazy.

I'm scared, but I can't move. The figure gets closer and the best I can do is back up and press myself against the wall- as if that's going to help me. For some reason I know I'm going to get hurt. I've been here before, haven't I? It's always the same.

Something connects with my cheek and I cry out when I crumble onto the floor like a rag doll. There's another pain against my temple when my head collides with the wall I thought would keep me safe. Crawling away won't help me, but I try anyways because that's all I can do. There's blood coating my tongue ans it tastes horrible. Everything hurts now.

Another blow to my stomach knocks me over and I glance up at the dark shadow. He's not as much of a stranger as I thought. Who else would beat me down like this? He touches his glasses further onto his nose; brushing some of his long hair from the back of his neck. His eyes are still filled with as much hate as before. He doesn't consider me his son anymore. He never did. I bet my mother would have loved Levi, but that would have never changed his mind.

“D-dad...I-I'm sorry.”

Sorry for being pan? I shouldn't apologize for that. I have no choice.

He shuts me up with a blow to my jaw and the taste of blood increases. It starts dripping down my chin and making small droplets on the ground bellow me. The colour is pretty. Such a shame it's from my own body. Why is red associated with passion and love when it's the same colour as death?

He hits me again and drags me by my hair into the center of the room; on display like a shitty science fair project. I claw at his hands, but they're massive. He could crush my skull within seconds. I'm surprised he hasn't. I tell him to stop, but my voice means nothing to him. I'm a ghost- already dead to him. No one else is here to care.

The weight returns to my body unwillingly. I'm a frozen statue; no bones and no will to live. The shadow says something. I'm too focused on stopping my body from shaking to hear what he says. My legs are forced open and a blade removes my clothes one after another. The new shorts Mikasa wanted me to buy are ruined in scraps and Levi's favourite shirt is just as bad. I sob grossly; my legs too weak to close together to stop him from cutting off the lace panties I put on especially for Levi. My attempt is a failure.

My whole body is shaking- convulsing with hick ups, sobs and pleas. Why is he doing this? It's his own sick way of trying to teach me something. He thought beating me would stop me from liking boys and you can see how well that worked out. He flips me over and I grab weakly at the floor to try and crawl away.

I'm screaming and I can't do anything, but his voice is in my head. He can mock me even when I try to block him out. I can hear the loud sound of a belt clattering against the floor and I scrape up my chest trying to get away.

_It'll hurt._

Of course it will.

_If you were a girl, you would be wet. Since you're a boy, you deserve the pain._

It's all wrong. All of this is wrong.

Something nudges against my entrance and I cry harder. Tears mix with the already thick blood on the floor. I've smeared most of it out of desperate. He never hated me this much. He sinks deeper inside and I gag enough to throw up everything from my stomach. My throat burns and there's no relief from the rest of the pain tearing into me. My body won't do what I want. It's reacting to the small amount of pleasure and it won't stop. I can't do this anymore. Shame. That's all I feel. Please stop and let me die.

My blurry eyes notice another figure, but it's smaller; crippled on the floor like me. So someone else has this fucked up fate too. I can see the blood pooling around their body. That will be me in a few minutes. Or maybe he'll keep me a live and torture me even more. I guess that person was lucky to have it all end. Shadows become more faint and the smell of blood is forcing up more contents from my stomach. There's nearly nothing left.

I hear a voice. Barely. The figure on the floor moves only slightly to show itself in the soft light coming from the dusty bulb on the ceiling. I scream when I see the slash in their neck; black hair tangled with blood and those beautiful eyes gouged out. I reach out to touch him, but I'm pulled away and forced down harder.

“Levi!”

Not him. Anyone but him.

My name falls from his lips, but it's cut shorts with the sound of blood covering his tongue. I want to be with him. Let me hold him before he's gone. He's looking at me despite his eyes being mangled with cuts and bruises. The shallow breathing comes to a halt and I scream his name louder and louder hoping he'll respond.

“Don't leave me!”

He's not breathing. His movement is still. Wake up.

“Levi, please!”

He promised. He promised he would always be here. What am I supposed to do when he's gone? Don't go. Please don't go. I can't breathe when you're not here. I should have told him how much he means to me. I want to tell him I love him, but even if I say it now, he won't hear me. His eyes are blank, watching unseen as I'm violated from the inside out. I'm bleeding. I know I am.

I can't breathe. I'll welcome death at this point. I'll be with the people I care about and not stuck here in this shitty hell that I call a life. The world hates me, so why should I live? I've run out of tears and my whole body aches. I reach out to touch Levi's soft hand, but it's ice cold.

“Please wake up!”

If I say it enough times, it might come true.

Something warm touches my shoulder and I try to flinch away. There's someone calling my name mixed in with the twenty other unknown voices in my head. I'm wracked with sobs and I cover my ears trying to black them out. Everyone is laughing at me. I deserve this don't I? I must have done something wrong.

The shadow forces me onto my back; a blade tucked in his palm. It's reflecting off the light and it looks pretty. It's the only clean thing in this room. It's pressed down against my throat and tears through my skin down to my collarbone. I wake up screaming with my head pressed against something soft. It smells like cologne. My eyes are wet with tears and they hurt.

I'm back in bed; the room dark, but warm. The soft mattress bellow me is the desperate link I needed to find reality. I never left. Hands are running through my hair and I know who it is without looking up. I claw at his chest where fabric should be, but Levi always sleeps shirtless.

Even if I wanted to, I can't open my mouth to speak. My throat is dry and raw. I need water before I make any attempt at speaking or I'll sound like a prissy girl. My eyes find more tears and Levi shushes me quietly. I don't do so.

A knock comes from the bedroom door and I curl in on myself hoping whoever it is won't come in. I must have woken up the whole apartment with my screaming. Everything is ten times louder at night. They'll probably kick me out now. There's a second knock and a turn of the knob, but it doesn't open. I forgot Levi locked the door so we could have some privacy.

“Is Eren okay?”

Erwin. That soft hearted idiot. He must hate having me live here. I'm extra baggage and nothing but a burden to worry about like a sick dog. I've never apologized for being such a nuisance to him. I don't hear any other voice but his, so everyone else must have gone home. If Mikasa was here, she would be breaking down the door and punching Levi in the face. It's not his fault though.

“He's fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“It was just a nightmare.”

Laughable. _Just_ a nightmare? My lungs are choking for air and my heart feels like it's going to come up my throat. My shaking hasn't calmed down very much, but it's a slow process. I shift up closer and freeze instantly when I feel something between my legs. Why... why am I hard? Am I that fucked up?

There's silence now from the other side of the door and I shove Levi away and crawl to the other side of the bed. I bet he noticed. I'm disgusting. What kind of wet dream has someone waking up crying and screaming? I find Levi's sweater on the floor and throw it over my tight boy shorts that are now way too uncomfortable. I try to wipe away tears, but they're replaced within seconds.

“Eren, c'mere.”

“N-no! Leave me alone.”

I must look like a mess. My hair never stays in one place while I'm sleeping. The straps of my top are sliding down my shoulders and the fabric is riding up higher across my stomach. What a sight.

“I want to make sure you're okay.”

“I'm not okay! N-nothing about me is o-okay.”

I don't want to yell at him. He's only being a good boyfriend. I'm trying to push him away like I've done so many other times because I've always dealt with these things alone. I don't want him to see me like this and question everything. His voice is so soft and inviting, but I can't bring myself to go near him. If only he knew why I'm covering myself.

“It was a nightmare. You're alright.”

I wrap my arms around my chest and shake my head over and over. I'm not alright. My brain is getting worse. I remember seeing Levi on the ground with blood soaking his hair and pale skin. His eyes were on me, but not focused. He watched me get humiliated. It all feels real even though Levi has no idea what just happened. My nightmares always end badly, but never like this. Things went one step further- crossed a line that should have never been breached.

“Talk to me. What happened?”

He doesn't need to know and I don't want him to. He's keeping his distance which I appreciate, but it's also lonely without his arms keeping me close and his fingers through my hair. I woke up thinking he was dead. My emotions are pulling me in twenty different directions. I'm having thoughts of running out into the kitchen to grab the peeling knife again.

I bet Erwin is still outside the door trying to figure out what happened. Did I say something? I'm no strangers to nightmares an it's not uncommon for me to talk in my sleep either. Armin said I did it all the time when we were little. It confused him a lot; thinking I was awake at 3am when I was only talking to someone in a dream.

I need to curl up into a ball to feel okay. There's nothing for me to lean against so the best I can do is use my arms as a human blanket. Max pokes his head out from under the bed and I must have woken him up too. He gives me this unimpressed glance and hops up in Levi's desk to chair to resume what nap I just interrupted. Cats sleep most of their lives anyways, he'll have plenty of time to catch up.

“Eren?”

“N-nothing happened...”

“Was it about your father again?”

“Y-no... I... I don't want to talk about it.”

Levi inches closer and I back up nearly toppling off the end of the bed. I'm not scared of him, but it feels wrong to have him so close. I want it, but I'm too disgusting.

“Getting it off your chest will help you.”

“No it won't.”

“I promise.”

“But I-”

“You can trust me.”

I can't avoid everything. Levi is stubborn when he wants to be. He never asks questions unless he's genuinely concerned. If this were any ordinary nightmare, he would hold me until I fall asleep again. This is something bigger and not something he's used to.

I'm trying to stall him getting closer, but it's not working. I'm scared of what will happen if he finds out. He made a choice last night, but he might regret it. This ring isn't tying us down forever. He could take it back and watch our relationship crumble at the seams. I can't live without him, though it's not like I'd blame him for anything. It would be my own stupid fault.

“L-Levi...I-I-”

I can't get it out. If I showed him, would that make it better? Lying doesn't get my anywhere in life, so I should tell him, right? There's so many things ready to spew out of my mouth. I need to take small steps when my whole body is taking a lunge. I'm not ready, I'm not.

Levi is in front of me before I know it; taking my hands despite how much they're shaking. I'm no longer covered when he pulls away the sweater on my lap and looks between my legs to what I've been trying to hide so badly. There's no words, but I know he can see it.

Tears fall faster down my cheeks and I close my eyes to try and stop them. What a useless attempt. I also don't want to see the disapproving look that will be on Levi's face. His boundaries can only go so far. I might have just crossed them. I try to pull my hands away, and he lets me bring them against my chest. My lungs feels like they're going to come up my throat. It's rather unpleasant.

“I d-didn't want it- I-I'm sorry.”

“It wasn't real. You're okay.”

Does that make it any less fucked up? Not at all. I should be waking up hard from good dreams, not nightmares of my own father. How screwed up does someone have to be for that to happen? The amount of questions Levi must have are limitless. I hate the way my body reacts to things and this is way worse than anything I've been forced to sit through.

I stumble off the bed and get to shaky feet. It's hard to stand with what's between my legs, but I manage. I grab the sweater as my security blanket and pull it close and down over my thighs to hide everything. I'm glad Levi's clothes are always too big for me. I think he's grown quite a bit since I first saw him. He might even be taller than me now.

“Where are you going?”

I try my best to hide a sob; wiping my eyes with the dark sleeve and sniffling like the baby I am. Levi doesn't want to be with me right now. Who would? I've already been a nuisance by waking him up in the worse way possible, so he doesn't have to put up with my other bullshit too.

“I-I'll just sleep on the couch.”

I really don't want to. It's so much warmer here

“Don't be stupid. C'mere.”

I shy away for a moment, looking around the room trying to pick out the different shadows dancing on the wall. I don't move an inch and instead Levi comes to me; crawling forward and tugging on my sleeve until I'm on the bed and curled in his lap. All I'm missing is a soother or a bottle. How has he managed to put up with me for so long? Anyone else would lose their mind being woken up so many times this early in the morning. His fingers are threading through my hair again and I pull my knees up close to my chest to make myself as small as possible.

I should be apologizing over and over again until I'm worthy of being here. I look down at my finger and toy with the small band that Levi put there not too long ago. He has to be regretting it now. He jumped the gun and made his decision too early; before he could see my corrupted side that my father has permanently damaged.

“I'm sorry... I'm sorry I keep doing this.”

“Eren, can I ask you something?”

Depends. He can ask me whatever he wants,but it doesn't mean I have to answer. I'll try my best even if I end up shuddering like an illiterate child. I nod my head instead of opening my mouth.

“Have you ever considered therapy?”

I've been throwing that around in my brain for awhile, but would it help at all? The thought of talking to someone who's paid to listen to me doesn't sound nice at all. I want someone who cares.

“I'm not crazy.”

He chuckles quietly and I'm not sure if he's agreeing or not.

“Therapy doesn't mean you're crazy.”

It's a place for minor crazy people who can't get their life together. I thought everything was going fine, so I don't want to give in and admit that I need guidance when life was working out so well. They're just dreams after all, just thoughts that aren't even real. I shouldn't let something so minor screw with my brain like that.

“Eren... there will always be things you don't want to tell me, and I understand that... but I also don't want you keeping everything to yourself.”

“I'm fine...”

He gives me this look with raised eyebrows and I look away. He's not convinced, and why should he be?

“Okay, I'm not fine... but I don't want to talk to someone who listens only to get my money.”

“They're there because they want to help you.”

“And they want money.”

“If that's all they were about, no one would ever see them.”

“You sound like you're trying to defend them.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Why?”

He pauses, but continues to thread his fingers through my hair. I'm glad he doesn't stop even if I'm glaring hard at him. I'm such a child.

“It never came up before, but Erwin's mother was a therapist. She's retired now, but she helped me through a lot.”

“You went to a therapist?”

Someone has hard headed and strong as Levi needed therapy? It's hard to picture him sitting in a little office telling someone about his feelings. He's always so cold and emotionless to everyone. I wonder if he met Erwin before or after his mother.

“My life wasn't perfect you know. I got into a lot of shit when I lived on my own. I needed help with my drug addictions and getting my life on track.”

I'd spoken to Erwin's mother briefly, and she gave nothing away. I'd found it odd how I could talk to her and ask her things so easily. She acted like nothing I said was weird and it was nice for a change. Though she didn't bring up anything about Levi.

“Karen never mentioned that.”

“They're not allowed to tell you who they see since everything is confidential.”

My eyes lower to my feet where I'm pushing my toes further into the sheets. I doubt I could talk to Erwin's mother about all the messed up things I see in my brain every night. She's almost like family, so it would be uncomfortable for her to know every little detail. There might be a bias there since I'm dating Levi too. I'm not just some stranger to her.

“I don't know... I wouldn't know what to say.”

“Tell them whatever you want.”

I fall silent and try to imagine myself telling anyone about what my father did, or what I dream about and what happened when I was in high school. No one wants to listen to my problems so I've always kept them to myself. I nearly have a mental breakdown whenever I share small details with Levi, so nothing is stopping me from having a panic attack in a therapist's office.

“It'll help you, I promise.”

I'm hesitant and Levi picks up on that like a parental instinct. One look at me and he knows whether or not something is wrong. I both love and hate it.

“How about this; I'll take you to your first appointment. If you don't like it, then you don't have to keep going.”

It wouldn't be terrible to at least try. I'm scared to go by myself to talk to someone I don't know and have never met before. They deal with all kinds of people, so how are they going to look at me? I'll be on the messed up side of the scale based on everything. My appearance alone gives me weirdo points in the game or freaks. Now I'm back to worrying what I look like and what I should wear.

“I don't know.”

“I'll buy you ice cream.”

I look up at him with a twisted expression, slapping his nose lightly like I'm scolding a puppy for peeing on the floor. He must really want me to go if he's throwing food into this. He really knows how to bride me; the persuasive asshole.

“Is this your way of bribing me?”

“Is it working?”

I roll my eyes and settle back into his lap with my ear pressed against his chest. His heartbeat is so soft that I really have to listen for it. I've fallen asleep to that sound every night. I don't think I could live without it. His lips graze the top of my hair with a soft kiss and I nuzzle closer against his warmth. Who needs blankets when I have Levi?

“I just want you to be okay.”

That makes two of us. I should consider it if there's the slightest chance it will help. Levi won't ever know every little detail about my life, so maybe it's about time I talked to someone with a fresh view and non bias opinions. At this point, I'm willing to try anything. I don't want to have nightmares all the time, though this was more like a terror than your average bad dream.

I breathe softly against his chest with my fist pressed closely to my nose. I can see the glimmer of gold on my finger and I know Levi has made a mistake. I think he jumped into this too fast and it's too good to be true. It always is. As hard as it is, I pull away and tug the ring from my hand, sliding my fingertips over the smooth band. It's so pretty, but it's not meant for me. Levi's face is torn when I place it in his hand. His expression is always unreadable, but not this time.

“I can't do this, Levi.”

“Eren...”

“I can't keep messing up your life.”

His brow lowers and he might be more mad than upset. He has every right to be. I was so happy only a few hours ago when he proposed, but I didn't think about it. He's not ready to be committed to someone like me. He's at his limits financially and emotionally when it comes to the stress of school, work and his car. What am I? Extra baggage. He's always told me to live for myself, so why isn't he taking his own advice?

“What do you mean you're messing it up?”

“Everything. I always wake you up, I'm an extra mouth to feed, you drive me everywhere, and now you're going to pay for my therapy?”

I'll admit that it's sweet of him to do all those things for me, but he can't do that when he's penny pitching as it is. His living expenses are a little more important than being sure I have a quick, safe ride to work.

“You've barely been sleeping and you put aside all your school work just for me. You've even missed work because I'm so broken. You do all these things and I never do anything for you.”

I don't like admitting it, but it's true. He's been babying me so much that he hasn't had time to look after himself. I'm a little worried about his own mental state when he's been caring for mine so much. I shouldn't be his first priority, but I am.

“I-it's not that I don't love you, Levi... but, you don't deserve this.”

My hand looks so empty and light. I'm glad it's still dark because I don't want to see the disappointment on Levi's face, or when he has the realization that he screwed up.

“You're going to regret this later, so I'm going to save you the trouble and-”

A hand presses over my lips and interrupts me mid sentence where I stare at Levi in silence. His eyes look darker and his skin even more pale with the street light behind him. He needs to learn to close the curtains fully.

“Don't put words in my mouth.”

I blink a few times and his mouth removes itself from my mouth; his thumb sliding over my bottom lip and I stay still and let him. Half of me is waiting for him to slap me and walk out realizing how stupid he was to do this. If he sold the ring he bought for me, then he could afford his next cell phone bill. Why would he get something he couldn't afford to begin with?

“Don't tell me I screwed up, because I know what I want. I love you.”

Why have me when he could be out of debt? I know college students don't have it easy.

“I don't need you to give me anything in return. I do all those things because I care about you, not because I feel obligated. Don't go thinking my desire to be with you is some giant mistake because it isn't.”

“But, Levi I-”

“I told you before that I'll love you no matter what. I meant it.”

He slips the ring back on my finger without me knowing until it touches the base. I have the urge to pull it off again, but I settle for staring at it blankly. Even after everything, he still wants me? I'll never understand him.

“You didn't have to get me this...”

“I wanted to.”

“Why? Because you love me? You could have used the money for rent.”

“So you're mad at me because I bought you a ring?”

Partially. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love Levi is he was broke or homeless, but knowing I'm the reason for him being that way is a giant kick in the stomach.

“Well, why does love have to be shown by a expensive piece of jewelry?”

He's silent. I'm assuming that wasn't the reaction he was anticipating. I love the ring, it really is pretty, but he's sacrificed too much to get it. If he weren't going through so much other crap, I would never consider him taking it back. But I'm willing to wait.

“You can barely support yourself let alone another person. Stop throwing money at me to show you care instead of just spending time with me. This whole marriage thing can wait.”

Technically we don't even have to get married. Levi and I can be together forever without some slip of paper and an expensive ceremony. He's too caught up in making me happy with material things when all I really want is to be close to him. I want him to save that money so maybe someday we can get a place of our own. I don't have much income, but it's enough to help out.

“I want to marry you. I love you, Eren.”

I blush lightly and toy with the ring; trying to slip it off my finger for the second time. This time, I won't be putting it back on.

“Then buy me a ring pop or something. I want you to take care of yourself, just like you tell me.”

He looks down for a moment as if processing my words. He's been trying so hard to make me happy, and I appreciate that, but he's sacrificing his own well being to do it. Levi is a caring person by nature, and I bet he never expected me complain about it. I want his time more than his money. It might be his own way of apologizing for never being home.

I take his hand and place the golden band in his palm; closing it before he has the chance to do anything else. I'm not rejecting him, although he might be seeing it like that.

“I want you to take it back. I still want to marry you, but I can wait for a ring.”

“You're serious?”

I nod at him with a little smile. It's a lot nicer getting all of that off my chest. From now on, no more dates, no more shuttle service, and no more new clothes. He's straining his bank account enough as it is. I'm not the most important thing in the world, no matter what he tells me.

I don't have time to open my mouth again before it's sealed with Levi's lips; his palms on my cheeks to keep me close and I invite it eagerly. I find his hands and squeeze them while lacing our fingers. I feel a lot better than I did when I woke up. I've nearly forgotten about the nightmare, but that doesn't stop it from coming back.

“You're too perfect.”

I flush a light shade of pink that he won't be able to see in his lighting, but he gets me smiling even wider. I don't consider myself perfect, I'm simply making sure Levi doesn't buy himself into bankruptcy.

“I'll think about what you said... about therapy.”

I know for sure I need some sort of outside help. Levi has done so much for me, but his road has come to an end. He doesn't have as much time anymore and all the things I'm too scared to say are piling up in the back of my mind. It's going to rupture one of these days, and it will be better to loosen the strain than have it all come out at once.

“If I decide to go, I'll be the one paying for it, okay?”

He wants to correct me. I can see it plastered on his face. He wants to pay for me so I don't have to worry about it, but that would go against everything I just said. Backing down is something he hates doing, but I'm not giving him a choice.

“Alright. If that's what you want... I'm still driving you to your first appointment though.”

I roll my eyes playfully and swat his nose. I wouldn't mind having him with me for my first time going. It's always nice to have someone there when I get anxious; seeing as that's a given whenever I go anywhere new. He'll be there as support like he always is.

My cheek leans against him when he wipes away some of the dried tears bellow my eyes. His hands are warm and his fingertips sooth the swollen sensation from crying. I end up snuggling into his lap with my ear pressed to his heart so I can hear every last beat. A blanket is wrapped around me within a few seconds and a kiss placed on the top of my head. Levi keeps saying I'm perfect, but if that's the case, then what is he? I don't think it's possible to be better than perfect. If there is a word for it, then it would suit him perfectly.

 


	46. Chapter 46

Days passed as usual. Always the same routine either with or without work. Early mornings are still hell, even more so now that I take the bus every time. Whenever Levi insists on driving me, I have to painfully turn him down. I'm doing it for his benefit not mine. I can't be so selfish all the time. He's sacrificed enough for me, so no more taxi service, even on his days off.

He did, however, drive me to my first therapist appointment. He wanted to so badly when I booked it a few weeks ago, so I figured one little drive wouldn't hurt. I also wanted him there in case I chickened out and thought against it. Considering past behaviors, it wouldn't be completely out of the ordinary. Having him there as a pillar of support gives me a weird kind of courage.

When I first walked in the waiting room was nearly empty. There was a girl with a young child scribbling something with crayons on the small table in the corner. I took a seat quickly and Levi followed to sit in the adjacent one, taking my hand and sliding his thumb over my fingers. It's not like I'm going in for surgery, but he knows I'm nervous anyways.

I focus on the little girl; still barely old enough to be out of diapers. There's a small container of cheerios next to her and her mom watches every last movement to make sure she's okay. I do the same just in case. I wish I could go over and draw a few pictures with her. I doubt her mom would approve of a stranger like me approaching her child. She's given Levi a few looks when she noticed our hands. I bet I would only get yelled at, and that's the last thing I need.

I move a little and the seat makes a leathery squeak under my pants. Waiting rooms are the worst for awkwardness and silence. Levi taps my hand and I look up at him. He looks curious about something.

“Eren... have you ever thought about having kids?”

Obviously I can't have them be biological unless I go through a crazy complicated process of paperwork, but there's always the possibility of adopting. There are hundreds of kids out there, and I really wish I could take care of every last one. If they're violent or scared, they're always blamed for their behavior. Never mind the fact they could have witnessed their parents being murdered or have been abused. No one wants to be trapped in a house full of people who don't understand you.

“It's too early for that.”

“I'm not saying now. But... maybe after we're married?”

I smile and it's genuine. I find that's been happening more and it gives me the chance to see Levi's in return, which are even more rare.

“I want us to have our own place, and good jobs before I start thinking about that.”

Common sense. If we can't afford a house, then we can't start bringing kids into the mix. It wouldn't be fair to them if we didn't have to means to raise them properly. Besides, I wouldn't mind a place to be alone with Levi for a few years. We barely get time to ourselves with Erwin there most of the time, though I've noticed he's been leaving us alone more and more since Levi proposed.

“I've never pegged you as a child type.”

Come to think of it, when was the last time he was around a child at all?

“I've never thought about it before, but I want to see you happy. And I'm sure a couple of rug rats would keep you busy.”

I let my mind wander to think of what our children could look like. If I had the ability to give birth and all, then I bet they would be beautiful. I bet they would have Levi's pure black hair, and stormy eyes. I would love to see that.

“Eren Jaeger?”

My head perks up at the sound of an older lady. Sure enough, it's a woman who looks to be in her late fifties smiling at me with her hand out to follow. Levi gives my hand a small squeeze before letting go. I want him to come with me, but I can't keep being a baby forever. I can do this.

My legs are shaky, but I follow the woman down the hall, watching her long floral patterned skirt sway along the floor. She has a unique look about her. She isn't the type of person to wear all black or dark colours, in fact I can't find two colours the same on her. I'm fond of her style. Quite hip for being an older lady.

The office she leads me to, is small, but cozy. I stand awkwardly when she closes the door and urges me to take whatever seat looks the most comfortable. Which would obviously be the little couch on the far wall. It's looks identical to the one we used to have in our living room. Mikasa would always hog it though.

The older lady takes a seat at her computer desk to complete whatever she had been working on before I showed up, which gives me some time to look around the room. There's a wooden bookshelf full of pictures. All of them involving her and a few other people of native American culture. If I had to guess, I'd say she traveled to Africa not too long ago. I wonder what it would be like to go around the world and meet so many different people.

The office has an odd home-y feel to it instead of it being inside a hospital. It's warm even with the little fan circulating in the corner. There's a few pictures of butterflies and birds on the far corner, and her desk is littered with files and sticky notes. She must be an insanely busy woman. So how exactly am I any different than the other people she sees?

She finally turns around and introduces herself as Evelyn. I don't see the need to do the same since she already knows my name. She offers a warm smile and I finally get a good look at her. She obviously loves jewelry. I count at least 3 different necklaces and large hoop earrings that could be seen from a mile away with how shiny they are, not to mention the various rings on each hand.

I toy with my fingers and the initiated small talk dies pretty quickly with how my conversation skills are. She doesn't seem to mind.

“Are you nervous about being here? Or scared?”

I guess Levi isn't the only one who can read me like a book. Most people want to go to therapy to get help, but me, I'm not so sure I want to be here. I'm scared. I don't handle my emotions very well. It was hard enough telling the truth to Levi.

I nod.

“Why don't you tell me about yourself, Eren. I want to get to know you.”

I never know what to say. Even during school when you have to introduce yourself to the class at the beginning of each year. My brilliant mind would come up with 'Hi, I'm Eren Jaeger, and I'm pretty boring'. That never impressed the teachers.

“I don't know where to start.”

“Tell me anything you like. This hour is all about you.”

She smiles again and props a clipboard on her leg when she crosses them.

“Well...I-I live with my boyfriend... and his friend in their apartment. I have a pretty average job at a grocery store... I have a cat...”

Nothing else really sounds important. Why would she care if I have a cat? I should have left that part out if it has nothing to do with my mental issues. That's why I'm here after all.

“Was your boyfriend the one with you in the waiting room?”

“Yes.”

“What's your relationship like with him?”

“It's... everything I could ever dream of.”

She looks so genuinely happy at my response that I have to blush with the look she gives me.

“What about your job? Do you enjoy it, or do you want something else?”

“Any job is fine. My boyfrie- Levi... helped me get it. We work at the same place. I just wanted an income.”

She nods and makes a few notes with a scratchy pen; one of those ones that would drive me insane when the ink doesn't flow right. Might as well just use a toothpick to write since they work about the same.

“What about your family? Tell me about them.”

The question I was hoping wouldn't come up, but it's unavoidable. I shy away and look back down at my fingers; picking at them nervously and biting my lip. It's a dead give away that I don't have the average picture perfect family that everyone online seems to have. There's nothing like a friend's Facebook profile to make you feel like complete shit.

“Is that why you're here?”

My reply is a slow nod.

“I-I want a way to forget everything.”

Not only about my family, but about those two boys who held me down and forcefully took my virginity. I'm one of those cowards that never reported anything, so they're still out there, maybe hurting someone else.

“Nothing is ever truly forgotten. Your subconscious always knows. You need a healthy way of dealing with the things you feel so you can learn to let them go.”

She makes it sound so easy.

“Eren, it's okay to be upset or mad about things as long as you don't hurt yourself.”

I flinch and start to claw weakly at my arms. I don't want her to know everything. This is too fast.

“I-I already have.”

Shut up, Eren.

“Do you feel alright telling me about it?”

No.

I shake my head, already feeling the moisture of tears brimming my eyes. I refuse to look at her so she can't see how fast I'm falling apart. I should have brought Levi in here. I'm scared.

“Were you mad at yourself?”

“M-my dad.”

“Did he hurt you?”

I mange my first sob and cover it as quickly as I can with my palm. I want to apologize for breaking down so quickly, but I can't form any words to make them sound coherent. My body is shaking so hard. I shouldn't let my dad have so control over me when he's gone from my life, but that's my problem. He broke me. The reason I started hurting myself wasn't because of Jean or because I got sad sometimes, it was something deeper that I couldn't fix.

Something warm touches my hand. Looking up, I can see Evelyn squeezing my fingers gently with the warmest smile possible. I wish I could smile like that.

“Shh, it's alright. You can tell me when you're ready.”

“C-can I... ask you something?”

“Anything.”

I look away and focus my attention on a coral butterfly painting above the doorway. I can't bring myself to look at anything else for some reason. I used to catch bugs all the time when I was little, so maybe it's a nostalgia thing.

“Do you think I'm weird? Or that I look weird?”

“Weird how? If you mean different, then in that case everyone is a little weird.”

“What about when I said I had a boyfriend? D-did that not make you think I'm disgusting?”

She chuckles softly and places the clipboard on the desk neglecting it completely. This isn't something she wants to write down, but rather, just a normal conversation. I don't have a lot of those with average people.

“Now why would it make me think that?”

“Because... I'm a boy. I should be wearing baggy jeans and rock band shirts. I should be going out to play football and partying, dating girls and being a good mechanic or something.”

“Do you enjoy any of those things?”

“No...”

“Then why would you want to do something that doesn't make you happy?”

“Because people hate me if I don't.”

Something in her brain clicks and she's just learned more about my life in that short second than I could ever tell her within the hour.

It will always remain a mystery to me how my mother would have reacted if I told her I was pan. She died long before I started wearing high socks and cropped shirts, so I don't know her opinion on those either.

“You're never going to please everyone. It's impossible to place your happiness in other people's hands and expect to never be disappointed. Learn to love yourself before you lean on others to do the same.”

She sounds creepishly like Levi.

“I'm trying... but I still get looks. I see people whispering and I know it's about how I look, or how I'm holding hands with a boy.”

“And where do you think those people are now?”

“I-I don't know.”

She raises her eyebrows and I get her point almost immediately. Even if others stare, or make comments, they go home and continue living as if nothing happened. I'm only going to stay in their brain for a split second, so I shouldn't' let them have more in mine. Treat their comments like water off a duck and move on with my own life.

“So...how do I start to love myself?'

It's a stupid question to say out loud, but a genuine one that I want to know. Change isn't going to happen overnight as much as I want it to. You have to work in life to get the things you want, so I need to be patient.

“It takes time. You coming here is taking the first step. The more we discuss, the more I can help you make progress.”

It makes me happy he hear the genuine emotion in her voice. She really cares. She's here to help people because that is what she loves doing. I don't if therapists become the pillar of support because they know what it's like to struggle. I bet Evelyn has her own stories, however different than mine.

“Since this is your first time here, I want to take it slow; get to know you and make you feel comfortable. Anything we discuss is confidential and I won't tell a single soul.”

“You promise?”

“You have my word.”

I manage a soft smile and bury my hands into my lap. This will be my second little safe space; where I can be free to say anything I want. I'm scared to bring up my father, so that will be left for a different time.

She leaves the clipboard on the desk for the rest of the session, which is less distracting for me. I can't get used to that since she'll be writing down everything I say next time so she can remember all my issues. It's the same feeling as giving a speech in class and watching the teacher mark down your grade right in front of you. It's nerve wracking.

I take my time with explaining small things in my life to make me happy. I tell Evelyn about how I met Levi. She smiles and gives a little 'aw' at the story. I tell her how he treats me like gold and I love him more than anything. I used to be scared of losing him, but after everything we've been through, none of us are going anywhere.

She asks more questions about Levi when she notices the ring on my finger and I curl my hand close to my heart. We haven't discussed marriage plans, but I want to get married in the spring when everything is in bloom. It's pretty cliché, but me wanting it to rain on our wedding day isn't. I love rain. I used to hate it, but not so much now. The stormy gray reminds me of Levi's eyes, and he always wraps me up in a huge blanket and holds me whenever there's a downpour.

I tell her about my mother and my time as a little kid; cooking and shadowing her like a puppy. I mentioned she passed away, but I didn't go further than that. I'm not ready yet. I just really miss her. It feels like forever ago since I lost her, and stupid little me is too afraid to do so much as visit her grave.

Within the last ten minutes, Evelyn gives me a challenge that I never would have dreamed of doing. It's something she wants me to do in order to start healing in a small way. I watch her closely when she gives the instructions and nod at every word. I'm a little scared, but she takes my hand to give me the small amount of courage I need. I can do this. I'm doing it today. I have to.

I make the next appointment right then and there, which Levi will be happy to hear. This was my trial day after all, and I didn't have to come back if I didn't want to, but I really do. I need to have a vault to keep my darkest secrets. I need a distant someone to hear everything with a non bias opinion. One of these days I'm going to cry, but I'm prepared for that. It's impossible to carve up old memories and not shed a few tears.

Levi is waiting in the same spot as I expected he would; fooling around on his phone. The other lady and her baby are gone and replaced with a younger couple that don't give either of us the time of day. The second Levi notices me, he's out of his seat and taking my hand like he wasn't ever expecting me to return. What a dork.

“How was it?”

“Good. I want to keep coming here.”

An hour goes by way too fast. I only scratched the surface of my life, but but it felt good to get some things off my chest and explain some of my interests to someone that isn't Levi.

“I'm glad to hear it. Do you want to go get lunch? I'm dying.”

“Actually... there's something I want to do.”

“And what's what?”

I tug Levi out of the waiting room all the way down the street back to his car. I'm not giving him any details until we get there or he's going to give me these weird looks. All I do is give him directions all the while he's giving me a side eye when I tell him the turn down a certain street. I stay quiet and focused on the passing trees and cars.

This place is familiar, but I haven't seen it in while. We drove past our old house to get here, though Levi doesn't know that. It looked the same. There were different vehicles in the driveway so I bet my father sold it after both Mikasa and I left. I wonder what it looks like inside; if that glow in the dark paint I spilled is still in my closet.

I direct Levi into an open parking lot of gravel and he parks before turning to me for answers.

“A graveyard?”

I look around anxiously. There's only 2 other cars here, but I was really hoping we were going to be alone. I'm getting cold now that the clouds overhead are opening up to drip down onto the car. Water on metal is so soothing.

“This is where my mom is buried.”

I don't look at him, only out the window. There's an older woman a few rows down with a bouquet of flowers and now I'm mad I didn't buy any before coming here. I wonder if the grave she's standing before is that of her husband, or maybe a sibling. Death sucks for everyone.

“You seem worried.”

I am.

“I haven't been here since I started living with Jean.”

“And why is that?”

“I was always too scared... that my dad would be here.”

“Are you scared now?”

I nod and lower my head; hunching my shoulders to keep the sweater close around my neck. I'm starting to shake and I haven't taken one step outside the vehicle. This is what I need to do. I need to calm down. I want to see my mother, but the fear in my gut kept me far away from here. I was always too afraid of what would happen if I was alone and my dad found me here. It was Evelyn's idea to bring Levi as a safety blanket. I'm hoping it works.

“Will you... come with me?”

At my words, he get out of the car and walks around to my side to open the door for me like I'm a princess or some shit. He takes my hand before I can speak and I'm standing beside him with my cheeks burning as he closes the car door.

“I don't know where I'm going, so you need to guide me.”

I glance around, doing small rotations to check every angle. What if he's been waiting here, knowing I would show up? He could be stalking us behind a tree and I wouldn't know it until it's too late. I can't take a single step; afraid he'll be around and hear the gravel under my feet. If I start to have a panic attack now, I'll be an easier target.

“Eren?”

“I-I wanna go home.”

Warm palms cup my cheeks and I'm forced to look at Levi's deep gray eyes. To anyone else, they would look scary, but they calm me down faster than anything else. He knows I'm scared, but he's not letting me walk away so easily.

“Eren, I promise I won't let anything happen to you. I'll protect you, I swear.”

I find his hand and squeeze as hard as possible without hurting him. He's satisfied with the action even though I'm crushing his fingers. We take the first steps together and reach the small dirt path marked with several dozen tire tracks. Levi pulls my hood over my head to protect me against the light spitting from the clouds. He doesn't seem to care at all.

The ground makes soft crunches bellow our feet. I can't help but look around nervously with every step. It's so empty here. It all looks the same since the last time I was here. I still remember the funeral. The hearse took this exact road as slowly as possible to make the pain drag on longer. I held my key the whole time trying so hard not to cry, but failed.

I spot that generic granite stone right under the hibernating crab apple tree- or whatever plants do in the winter. _Carla Jaeger 1984-2011_. She was too young to die, but that's what they all say. When it's your time, then there's nothing you can do.

It feels wrong coming here empty handed, but it's not like I planned this. I should have brought a bouquet of carnations. Bringing gifts to dead people sounds pretty stupid in itself. Now are they supposed to enjoy them when they're no longer here? If that's the case, why exactly am I standing here right now? A small part of me wants to believe she's watching.

Levi releases my hand and gives a firm squeeze to my shoulder and a small kiss on my cheek.

“I won't be far.”

As much as I want him to stay, I need to be alone with her. I make sure Levi is a few paces away before I slowly sink to my knees to graze my fingertips along the stone. It's so cold.

“Hi, mom.”

My voice cracks, but I swallow the ugly sound. She wouldn't want me to be upset. She would tell me to keep my chin up and stay strong. The problem is, I've been trying to stay strong longer than I'm capable.

“I'm sorry for not coming to visit. So much has happened and I was scared.”

There's so much to say. My mind is a cluster fuck of ramblings.

“I still have your key. I'm keeping it safe just like I promised.”

Skip the petty stuff. If mom were clueless about my life, she would want to know everything right now. I raise my hand, flipping my palm inward to show the ring on my finger to no one in particular but the flat surface.

“This might come as a surprise, but I'm getting married. I know what you'd say; 'I'm too young', or something like that, but I know I'm ready. I never got to tell you, but I'm pansexual... and... I really hope you don't hate at me for that.”

I guess I'll never know.

“I'm sure you would love me either way, and I bet you would love Levi as much as me. You would want me to be safe and happy with the one I marry, regardless of sex. I promise you I'm that and even more. I'll be okay.”

I'm letting single tears track down my cheeks with no bother to wipe them away.

“I miss you so much, mom.”

If she was still alive, where would I be at this very moment? None of these past few years would have been the same. Maybe I never would have met Jean, or Levi. I would have a family, right? Or would I have torn them apart after I came out, just like it is now? Every single question I have will remain unanswered.

“I'll come visit more, and bring flowers. I still remember how much you love carnations, so I'll bring them next time, I promise.”

I force myself to smile because I know that's what my mother would want. Her death shouldn't be holding me back after being so long ago, but some wounds never truly heal. She meant everything to me, and still does. It feels good to be back here, even if I am a little scared.

I don't want to keep Levi waiting forever after sitting an hour straight in that cramped chair. Not to mention its getting colder by the second. All I want is to curl up in his lap and watch a movie until I fall asleep.

Our eyes meet when I glance over to him and I get up to wipe the streaks of dirt off my pants and tears drying on my face. The smile stays on my lips when he approaches and no words are exchanged, just a tight hug and a small kiss. It means so much more than you'd think. Him coming here with me is more than I could have ever asked.

“Ready to go?”

My nod is a good enough answer.

“Can we still get lunch?”

“You want Dairy Queen again, don't you? One of those weirdos that eats ice cream in the winter.”

“But it's good!”

He flicks my nose and I giggle softly, pulling out of his arms to hop towards the car. I expect him to be right behind me, but he's still at the headstone, glancing over the engraved letters. I wonder if he would have liked my mom. I already know he hates my dad and the two of them have never, and will never, meet.

“Levi? You coming?”

Something passes his lips and it's not directed at me. I have to strain my ears to understand the words that make my heart want to cry.

_I'll look after him for you._

 


	47. Chapter 47

 

The next holiday that hit us like a truck was Valentine's day. It wasn't too long after new years that all the Christmas decorations cleared out of the stores and up came the displays of expensive chocolate and cheesy cards. I got to witness it firsthand.

Even with all the hype, both Levi and I agreed not to do anything crazy. Sure, it would be nice to go out for dinner, but it would be busy as hell, and not to mention expensive. We're trying to save money here, not blow it on pointless outings. Levi did end up caving and buying a box of chocolates that we shared while watching a horror movie.

After watching all the blood and guts smear across the screen, we managed to find it in us to make love that night. Slow and passionate and I loved every last second. Levi has always been gentle and caring during sex, but this was even more than I was used to.

Erwin was out with Mary for the night and opted to take her to his parents cabin for a little 'party', but we all know what that means. I hope I get to see this cabin of his one day. It's on the water as most are, so I bet Armin would freak and jump in without a second thought. I used to call him a water rat.

February was slow and cold; two of the things I hate most. I started talking to Mikasa about some of the wedding plans that Levi and I have been discussing. Neither of us want to make it a big deal and invite only close family and friends. I figured Mikasa would be the best to ask about flowers and what to wear. I even bought a few catalogs.

March crept up after a long amount of waiting and everything was smooth sailing up until that point. I was spending my day off work looking through a few wedding dress sites on my laptop. I'm not actually going to wear one, but they're nice to look at- I can't say the same about the price tag.

Levi came in a little past 4 like he always does. His shifts haven't changed despite how much school work he still has. I could never juggle a job and school at the same time. My brain would get overloaded and crash. He always looks exhausted, so I leave him alone so he can rest as much as he wants. This time, though, he heads straight into the kitchen and unwraps a bottle of whiskey from his bag.

“When did you get that?”

I had no idea he drank hard alcohol. None of it tastes very good.

He shrugs and pulls off the top with no effort and drinks straight from the bottle making me cringe. His throat must be on fire. I abandon my laptop on the couch and hop over to the kitchen to get him an actual glass so he doesn't down everything right then and there. I'm afraid to ask how his day went.

“I thought maybe we could make dinner together, so I didn't start anything.”

“Not hungry.”

Oh. So much for that idea.

He actually accepts the glass I get from the cupboard to drink like a civilized human. I want to rip the bottle away from him, but it's not my place. He bought it. Besides, I can't control his life. Looks like I'll be eating alone tonight, which sucks.

He hasn't so much as looked at me yet since he got in the door. I'm starting to wonder if I did something wrong while he was gone. I don't think I'm hiding anything. I haven't lied in a long time, so he couldn't have found out about anything. Maybe he's still mad about when Max peed on the floor. After all, it was my fault for forgetting to clean his litter box.

“Um... was work okay?”

“Fine.”

“You look tired.”

“Don't we all.”

I don't like this crappy small talk. I'm so used to him walking in and giving me a kiss before laying down to relax. I hate the feeling burning in my gut. I've felt it before.

He needs to stop drinking himself stupid or he'll get a hangover. I don't know how well Levi holds his alcohol or what kind of drunk he is, but now isn't the time to find out. I need to distract him with something. Erwin isn't home, so that could work to my advantage.

My hands press against his wrist before he can lift the bottle again to top up his glass. He gives me this dull look with a mixture of something that makes me feel like I offended him. I don't like when people drink. I've had bad experiences.

“Do you want me to help you relax?”

“I don't need anything. I'm fine.”

“Erwin won't be home for another ten minutes. We could be quick-”

“I said no.”

He brushes me off and turns back to the bottle slowly being drained of its contents. Now I'm just pissed. He's pushing me aside for alcohol? He needs to get his priorities straight. Not to mention how much of a cold asshole he's being.

“What he hell is wrong with you?”

“Oh, so something has to be wrong with me if I don't want to fuck you?”

“That's not what I mean. You're never this angry after work.”

All I get is him rolling his eyes and he's proved my point all on his own. I want to slap him upside the head, but that won't get us anywhere. He'd probably kick me out.

“Tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help.”

“You can't help anything.”

“Just tell me what I can do. Anything.”

Levi leans against the counter and lets his hair fall in front of his eyes; his fingers sliding along the rim of the glass. He's still wearing our new engagement ring, so he can't be that upset, right? I'm still glad he traded them in for something less expensive.

“I only want to help.”

“You want to help?”

I nod frantically and stand like an obedient puppy waiting for orders. His voice doesn't sound overly thrilled about my proposal. His question sounded more like an unimpressed statement.

“Then leave me alone.”

My face drops and I furrow my brow. I should be hurt by the comment, but I'm only getting angry. So I can go to him when I need help, but he can't rely on me? Is that where this is going?

“Stop being an asshole. I'm serious.”

“I am serious. I said to leave me alone and you're still standing here.”

“I'm not leaving. Not when you're this upset.”

“Who said I was upset? I just want to be left alone is that so hard to understand?”

I hate this. My hands are balling into fists which will never be used against anyone but myself. I could never hit Levi even if I wanted to. I'm getting kicked to the curb and left to wonder what's going on inside his head. I've been pushed to the side enough by Jean and I don't need Levi doing it too.

“Talk to me. That's all I want.”

“Well it's not happening.”

“You're not being fair, Levi! Why is it I have to tell you everything and then you keep me at an arms length whenever things get personal!”

“Drop it, Eren.”

“No! I'm not going to drop it! This needs to go both ways!”

“I'm just tired, now stop yelling.”

“That's bullshit. I've seen you when you're tired and you've never downed a whole bottle of fucking whiskey.”

“There's a first time for everything.”

“Stop treating me like an idiot!”

“Then stop acting like one and leave me alone.”

I'm not going to let this go. I know how it feels to have your emotions in the gutter. You want to talk, but you're afraid of what anyone will think. Levi isn't the kind of person to express feelings with words so this could get pretty messy. Though I doubt it's helping that I'm freaking out at him, but my brain is taking on a mind of its own.

“Just tell me what's wrong!”

“Nothing is wrong, now drop it.”

“So you're going to start drinking? Is that really better than explaining why you're acting like an asshole?”

Shut up, Eren. Shut up.

“I'm not going to turn into an alcoholic.”

“How am I supposed to know that.”

“You need to trust me.”

“Well, you're not telling me anything! For all I know you're going to turn into the same loser druggy that you were in highschoo-”

“I said drop it, Eren!”

My brain doesn't register what happens. There's a noise; something that sounds like breaking glass and a motion that terrifies me enough to back up. Whiskey is spilled all over the floor and the cup that was once on the counter is now in pieces across the hardwood.

I glance up and Levi's eyes are shadowed by his hair. It's messier than I remember it being a few seconds ago. His expression is neutral save for his clenched teeth that I notice for a few moments until he pushes off the counter and heads for the front door. My body is screaming at me to stop him, but I can't move.

Turns out Erwin is there with the door wide open staring at his friend with a look that's too concerning to put into words. I never heard him come in, but I should have expected him back home at this time. His brows furrow when Levi pushes past him completely ignoring everything else. Erwin's eyes lock onto me and my shaking hands, then to the broken glass on the floor. He can put the scene together.

He drops his bag inside and follows his friend out closing the door softly behind him. It's a nice contrast to the sharp noise ringing in my ears. The bottle of whiskey is in tact, but on its side with the remaining liquid pouring onto the counter. I fumble with it, nearly dropping the bottle to make an even bugger mess. My hands aren't cooperating with my brain. My legs have started to shake and my throat is tightening up.

I'm forced to blink away tears while on my knees picking up the shards of glass. I cut my finger once and stare at the blood longer than I should. It scares me. I'm past all of this. I refuse to go back to hurting myself when I'm a little upset or angry. Breathe. I need to breathe. Levi would be so disappointed if I started cutting again.

Would he really care though? He was so mad at me. If that glass hadn't been there for him to hit, would I have been the target? He's never been violent. My dad, Jean, Levi, I'd never known any of them to raise a hand towards me. I'm shaking more thinking about it. Levi wouldn't hurt me, right? I must have done something. He's never been that mad before.

My brain is distracting me from cleaning up the mess. I want the place to look perfect when he comes back. I want to do something right, but I can't bring myself to do anything. My throat is closing up and tears are brimming my eyes.

Levi hates me.

I never should have yelled at him. I should have kept my mouth shut and let him drink out his problems. I should learn by now. Why does it always turn out like this? I try to fight, but I get kicked down until I can't move. Now it's Levi. What did I do wrong? Please tell me. Don't make the person I love hate my whole existence.

Why did he leave? He's coming back. He has to come back. I can't breathe.

I don't have much strength, but I use what little I have to get up from the floor to hide in the bedroom; curling up on the bed with a pillow pressed against my chest to stop the pain. It doesn't work so well. It smells like Levi's cologne. I'm soaking it with the tears that are falling without consent. Levi was fine this morning. He kissed me and made sure I was okay before he left for work.

Is he mad because I didn't say goodbye? I should have opened my eyes and kissed him back, but I was so exhausted. I should have started dinner so he could come home to a fresh cooked meal. I should have made the bed. I know how much Levi wants his room to be neat. I had spare time to clean the windows, or to brush Max so he wouldn't leave hair all over the couch. I didn't do any of that. I stayed on my laptop and looked up wedding dresses.

We aren't getting married. Why would he want to marry someone he hates? I'll be his punching bag if that's what he wants. I don't want him to leave. I love him, but I'm scared. If he kicks me out, I don't have anywhere to go. I bet Mikasa would laugh at me for being with someone she had a bad feeling about. I have the worst luck when it comes to relationships. Why did I have to open my mouth? Why did I have to argue with my father? Or yell at Jean? Why do I screw up so much?

I push my glasses off to bury my face into the pillow, clenching my knees tighter around the plush cotton. The tears come more freely when I let myself go; my body shaking harder and sobs finding their way up my throat. I screwed up so bad. I can't take it back. I can't undo any of the stupid mistakes I've made.

There's a noise from my phone that I left beside the bed. I forgot to check it today. I was too busy looking up stupid wedding things that will never happen. I manage to reach it and find a text from Armin. My heart nearly rips in half because I know he was more excited than me for the wedding. He wanted to help me get ready and be my best man. Fuck, I can't stop crying.

**Armin: Your B-day is coming up, right? What do you want me to get you? :)**

Right. Just my luck that Levi would start hating me before my birthday. I'll be spending that day alone wishing I was dead. What a way to spend my second decade on this Earth.

I toss my phone aside and neglect the happy go lucky text complete with a smiley face. Anything I reply with will only sound depressing and kill his mood. He doesn't need to know about all this. I don't need to concern my best friend with problems that could have been prevented if it weren't for my own stupidity. I don't have the heart to tell him the wedding is off.

The ring is nothing. It's a piece of jewelry with no meaning. You can't tie someone to you just because they bought you a rock. It doesn't change anything. If they hate you, then a shiny ring isn't going to bloom some imaginary affection. I should take it off, but I'm clinging to it. It's the only hope I have that Levi will come back.

“Eren?”

Levi.

I can't stop myself from sobbing harder, hugging the pillow closer and fearing he'll snap at me again. Did he come back to hurt me? Or maybe to tell me it's over. Please no. I love you.

I notice the creak of the door as it closes behind him to leave us alone from the rest of the world. Where is Erwin? For some reason I would feel safer if he was here. He tends to keep Levi's head in the right place. The bed sinks in beside me and I whimper like a beaten animal.

“Eren, are you alright?”

His voice changes. He sounds concerned. I bet he wanted to come in here and rip my head off only to find me a pathetic mess. No sense beating someone who's already down. I can't get much lower.

“I-I'm sorry, Levi...I-I...”

I can't speak normally. I sound like an idiot. Well, I guess I am. Levi even said so.

“Eren, look at me.”

His fingers tuck my bangs behind my ear and his touch is so soft. I want him to stop, but I crave it. I can't enjoy it anymore. I'm not his. He hates me. I shake my head and keep my eyes in the pillow in absolute darkness. I can't look at him. If I do, it'll hurt my chest even more. I don't need that on top of my head throbbing.

“I'm sorry, Levi...W-whatever I did, I-I promise I won't do it again.”

What a stupid thing to say.

“Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

From the moment he walked into the apartment everything I did and said was wrong. I should have kissed him, hugged him, welcomed him home with his favourite tea; something a normal fiance would do. I'm making his day worse by crying. If he's upset, I'll take whatever he wants to throw at me. I'll do anything as long as it makes him feel better. I don't want him to hate me like everyone else.

“I-I didn't mean to yell at you...I-I'm sorry.”

If I hadn't started yelling and pushing him to talk, he never would have snapped. He never would have lashed out and broken the cup or dumped over the bottle of whiskey. I know that stuff isn't cheap. Shit. The glass and alcohol are still on the floor. I really am an idiot.

“Please don't hate me... I-I'll go clean up-”

“Eren, it's okay.”

He takes my hand before I can scramble out of the bed and gives that reassuring squeeze he gives so often. I look at him and I can see his eyes this time, even as I wipe tears from my cheeks. He looks so lost. I know the look too well.

“You were right... I wasn't being fair.”

I fall silent and suppress the sobs leaving my lips. I hate having him feel guilty all because I can't control my emotions. My fingers curl into the pillow to stop the shaking, but it doesn't nothing for my legs and the shivers shooting down my spine. I'm so scared Levi hates me.

“I've never been good at telling people how I feel, so I'm sorry for that. I overreacted.”

He notices my shaking and pulls me close until my nose is pressed to his chest; the pillow slipping from my grip to brace the impact. He's so warm and smells just like the fabric I had my face shoved into while I cried. I can't find any words on my tongue to make the situation better.

“I'm so sorry if I scared you. I never want to be the one to make you cry.”

I hate crying.

“It's my fault... I never should have said anything... I-I'm so stupid.”

“It wasn't you, Eren. I lost my temper-”

“I d-didn't mean what I said... I was mad... I'm sorry I called you a loser druggy.”

He huffs out something close to a laugh, but it dies off rather quickly.

“You weren't wrong.”

“I'm sorry...”

“Apology accepted. Lets just put all this behind us.”

“I'm sorry.”

Maybe one of these days I'll stop apologizing for things. But everything ends up being my fault whether I like it or not. If I weren't such a shitty boyfriend then Levi wouldn't have to lose his temper at all. I've never seen him like that before.

“It's alright. Couples fight. It was bound to happen sometime.”

“S-so... you don't hate me?”

The gentle motion he makes along my back pauses and I know he's looking down at me in a questioning manner. I keep my eyes in his shirt so they stay dry. I'm also a little sleepy.

“You can be a brat sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving you.”

He pauses and I listen carefully to the sound of his breathing. It helps me get my own on track when I'm gasping for air like a fish out of water. That soothing sound along with the beating of his heart are enough to make my whole being relax.

“What I did was stupid... and I'm sorry. You've had to deal with enough of what shit in your life and shouldn't have to worry about me snapping at you. I promise it won't happen again.”

“It's okay... Was it... because of what I said?”

“I never should have expected you to remember... but... this whole week has been a little rough for me. It's been over three years since Isabel and Farlan died, yet I still can't keep my emotions in tact. Drinking is an old habit I brought up to deal with it.”

I'm silent while I mentally kick myself for being so absent minded. I remember everything he told me, but the when completely slipped my mind. March break. I should have known that. My fingers slip under his shirt and around his back to pull him tighter and feel the heat of his skin. It makes him more real. He's had his own problems yet he's always been so understanding towards me and neglects his own feelings. I sometimes forget he's human too.

“I don't want you thinking any of this is your fault. You were right about me being an asshole. You were right about a lot of things, I was just too stubborn to talk to you.”

“Are you still mad?”

“I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself; knowing I could have prevented everything from happening. They could still be alive if I'd only watched Farlan like I was supposed to.”

His voice breaks. I glance up curiously and notice him biting at his lip. He looks so different. He's vulnerable and on the verge of crumbling. He's been strong for too long. It's alright for his walls to have a few cracks when they've been supporting so much.

I need to suck it up. Now isn't the time for me to be upset when the one I love is the person who's hurting. After all he's done for me, it's the least I can do. I want to take away his pain and see that rare grin, but that won't be happening tonight. I'm okay with that. Everyone needs a little time off of their shitty reality.

I sit up momentarily and shift my weight, nearly being scared to death when Levi grabs my wrist. It's not painful, just startling. His eyes are down and he's not looking at anything in particular.

“Please don't go.”

My heart rips open at the sound of his voice. For the first time, I'm seeing Levi at his most vulnerable moment. He's scared to be alone; scared of losing the people he cares about. I had no intentions of leaving, but now I'm going to be glued on him for the next several hours. I hope he's okay with that.

I crawl onto his lap, straddling his legs and wrapping my arms around his neck. He looks shocked at the action, but this is the best way for us to be close. If we're wrapped up together, we can't leave. We can share whatever pain and happiness we feel. For once, I'll be his pillar of support.

“I won't leave. I'm right here.”

My nose presses into his neck and my arms tighten around him; fitting together like a lock and key. I'll keep him safe; We'll keep each other safe. I'll stay with him until everything fades and we can drift off into some kind of rest. It won't solve everything, but it will help.

His arms are reluctant, but ultimately wrap around my waist as he claws weakly at my back. It doesn't hurt. I'm keeping him grounded. It's my own way of letting him know it's alright to be upset. I've been there. I know it all too well. This is the pain he saved me from over and over again. It wasn't his fault. Everything happens for a reason. There's no way of knowing if things would be different if Levi had stayed with Farlan. There are too many factors and too many unknowns.

“I love you, Eren... I love you so fucking much.”

His voice is barely louder than a whisper to hide the hurt. If it were any louder, the cracks would be too obvious. He's afraid of showing me his weak side. For the longest time, I thought Levi didn't have one. He was a stone cold mask I couldn't read; a complete mystery when I spent all of my time with him. This isn't the first time I've seen him like this, but this is the first time I've held him to make it stop.

I'll stay here as long as he needs. I stay in place when Erwin comes back into the apartment. I get a glimpse of his eyes through the bedroom door and he looks more relaxed now that Levi is back. I wonder what he said to Levi when he ran off. I smile at the him before he heads into his own room and I nuzzle closer to the warmth.

“I love you too.”

 

 


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the home stretch! This fic has run its course so I have one chapter left. It's gonna be a doozy! Have some shameless smut while you wait :3

I completely forgot to respond to Armin's last text, so a few days before my birthday I got a frantic call wondering if we could have a get together. And by 'we' I mean me, Armin, Mikasa and Levi. As a birthday present, it's everything I could ever want. I'll be spending time with the closest people I care about. It got me so excited I could barely sleep.

Hanji made sure to give me a few days off so I could enjoy the moment of turning twenty. I don't feel that old and I sure don't act like it. In my mind I'm still a stupid teenager worrying about getting good grades in school and whining about waking up early. My life is different now.

Armin made reservations at a well known restaurant a short drive away. I've heard of it, but never set foot inside. It's an exotic place that serves dishes I can't pronounce, but as long as they taste good I don't care.

We met him inside and joined him and Mikasa at the table while they were shooting the shit; a word I learned from Levi. He looked so happy to see me that it felt like I was melting. He apologized over and over again for not getting me a proper gift, but he offered to pick up the tab on everything. I don't need any gifts. I'm already spoiled.

Mikasa and Levi still aren't the best of friends despite how similar they are. It's Mikasa's motherly instinct that drives her to believe everyone around me is a threat. It'll take a lot of convincing for her to trust that Levi won't hurt me. She's paranoid ever since I told her about our fight. He's made it up to me though, with constant kisses and even letting me pick every movie we watch.

I opened Mikasa's gift before the food arrived, and surprise, it's more clothes. She has good taste so I'm not complaining. I want to try the tops on so badly, but I can't exactly strip down in the middle of a restaurant. Patience is something I lack. I thank her and she glaces to Levi waiting for him to shock everyone with some miraculous gift. I already know what he's giving me though. I know what else I want, but I'm a little scared to ask.

“So, what did you get him?”

“Why do you need to know?”

I roll my eyes and elbow Levi lightly in the side.

“Come on guys, can you try to get along?”

Armin is on the same page as me. Of all people, I want my sister and my fiance to like each other.

“Just a drawing.”

“Of what?”

“I-I want to get a tattoo.”

Mikasa's jaw nearly drops and Armin pipes up like a puppy. If he had a tail, it would be moving none stop. I blush a little when he leans over the table to seem more indulged in the conversation.

“Where are you getting it?”

“On my back.”

“Eren, when did you decide all this?”

Mikasa is worried already. I swear she thinks the tattoo artist is going to stab me with a knife instead of ink.

“I've thought about it for awhile... I want to get something done that reminds me of mom.”

She's silent with that comment. I know she misses her too, but they were never as close. We adopted Mikasa after all, so Carla wasn't her real mother. They never spent much time together besides some small talk during dinner to let her know how school was going. She wasn't her shadow like I was, but they were still family.

“And what's that?”

“Carnations. They were always her favourite.”

Levi squeezes my fingers lightly under the table and I know I need to change the topic before I start choking on my tongue. Now isn't the time to get upset.

“I'm not getting it done today. Maybe next week.”

“I'll go with you.”

I think Armin spoils me more than Levi sometimes. Part of me things he's still trying to make up for lost time; for all those years we were apart because of a stupid fight and my big mouth. All that time he thought I was dead. Him and Mikasa both. I really don't deserve to have them here.

“I'd like that.”

Mikasa will be going to, but it's not like she has to say anything for me to know that. They're all making this some big deal. I'm not complaining.

Whatever shows up in front of me looks amazing. The waitress smiles at our reactions before we dig in. I still have no idea what I ordered, but the picture on the menu looked good enough. I can taste so many seasonings and shrimp making my mouth water and stomach start to whine. None of this is going to be cheap and I feel bad for having Armin pay for everything.

Levi knows me too well when he lifts his fork to my lips. I want to try what he ordered so badly and he caught on quickly. I slide the prongs along my tongue and savor the taste like I'd done when he took me out on our first date. Back then I never thought of it as one, but I was also an oblivious dork. He pulls the fork from my mouth and places a kiss on my lips making me blush. His shame for public affection is now where to be seen.

Mikasa rolls her eyes and Armin doesn't even notice. He's too busy shoveling food into his mouth like he's eating from a trough. Levi gives me this side glance that I know too well. He'll be giving me more than just a kiss when we get home.

I let Armin do most of then talking since he gets done his meal before anyone else. Everyone listens to his stories about school and all the odd people he's befriended and the teachers that think he's a god. I don't blame them. He's the smartest person I've ever met. I'm glad he could fly down to spend my birthday me. He must be busy with everything. Harvard has high expectations.

I wish I could spend more time with him other than dinner, but he has to catch his flight back to Boston and say goodbye to his grandfather. I'm lucky enough to have him here at all, so I shouldn't be complaining.

My coat gets tugged up closer to my neck when we leave the restaurant. It's gotten colder since we got here. I'm glad Levi convinced me to wear a scarf. I'm staring off at the sky expecting to see stars, but I'm always disappointed. Living in the city isn't all it's cracked up to be. It has it's perks, but nothing beats laying in an open field at night watching the sky.

Armin and Mikasa take their leave when we get to Levi's car. Our hugs are short and I watch them before they're completely out of view. I get a text a few seconds later from my sister wanting me to send pictures of me wearing the clothes she got. She just wants to bask in her own selection and rub it in my face that she chooses the best clothes. I'll amuse her for today, plus I'm sure Levi wouldn't mind seeing them either.

The apartment is warm when we finally get back. Erwin is gone after reading a note on the fridge telling us to 'have fun'. I wish I could be mad at him for that, but it only makes me laugh and blush at the same time.

Levi waits on the couch while I change in the bathroom, slipping on the new tops and taking terrible selfies in the mirror. One top is a little more skimpy than the other, so I'll surprise Levi with that [one](https://img1.etsystatic.com/016/0/5727317/il_340x270.414836415_6544.jpg). My pants don't exactly match, but he won't be focused on those. I honestly don't know why Mikasa would buy something so small. It's not even something I can wear in public unless- oh my god she knows. Despite how much she claims to not like Levi, she's doing all of this for his benefit.

There's something that's been on my mind for awhile. If I ask Levi about it, will he laugh at me? I can't do this without him and now I'm too nervous to move. It's a lot to ask, and what if he thinks it's a stupid idea? Maybe he's not into things like that and I can't force him to think differently.

I shake the thought from my head and pause at the door, sliding my fingers over the knob. Just ask. It's not going to kill me. I leave the bathroom and hop over to the couch before Levi has the chance to look up. I crawl onto his lap and straddle him, which is a bold move for me. He seems to enjoy it though.

“Not bad.”

“What is? The top?”

“That too.”

I claim his lips before he can get near mine; sitting up on my knees to deepen the kiss. He's always the one kissing me, so I want to change things up a little. And maybe it'll put him in a better mood for what I want to bring up, so I let his hands roam my body, across my hips and under the small top causing me to shiver.

When his hands tug down my pants I stop and look at him with a blush forming red hot on my cheeks. I take his wrist so he doesn't go further and do my best to form words before he gets worried.

“C-can I ask you something?”

“And what's that?”

“Um... instead of having sex... could we... do something a little different?”

His eyebrows raise in surprise and confusion waiting for me to continue. My face is burning so bad already. Explaining everything in detail would surely make me melt.

“I-I'ts just something I've been thinking about... and I want to try.”

“I'm listening.”

“W-would you be able to pleasure me... b-but... when I'm tied up?”

“Really?”

“N-no, forget it... it's a stupid idea-”

“It's not stupid. I've been wanting to do something like that for awhile.”

I pause and blink a few times to search his face. You mean, I'm not the first one to think this? I know it can be a kink of some kind, but my reasons are a little different. But if Levi is into it, then that will make it so much easier. I won't feel like I'm forcing him to do this.

“You have?”

“I had no idea you wanted it though.”

I do for a few reasons.

I've seen that kind of thing online and I won't lie when I say I got a little excited, but my main reason is because of something my therapist said. She didn't suggest any of this, but it can't hurt. A lot of my fear comes from my lack of control. I'm afraid when I can't twist the world into the perfect image or change what people think or how they act. This might be a stretch, but if I give Levi all the control over me, then maybe I won't be so afraid.

“So, is it okay if we do that?”

“More than okay.”

He takes my hands and I shuffle back to let him off the couch. I'm more than a little nervous about this, but I think it'll be fun. Starting is always the worst part. He leads me into the bedroom and I take a seat like a puppy with my hands between my legs waiting patiently. Levi has gone into the closet so he must have something in mind.

“Don't get too weirded out with me, but I bought a few things awhile ago.”

He comes back with a plastic bag and I tilt my head to try and see through the thin material. He's keeping it hidden as some kind of surprise. He only pulls out one item, which turns out to be a silk pair of cuffs. Not the frilly pink kind thank god. I would feel ridiculous wearing those. What shocks me most is that Levi actually went out by himself and bought them.

He lets me touch the black silk and they look rather comfortable for being restraints. They make me blush all the same. I'd like to know what else is in the bag, but he's not showing me. If he's going to all this trouble, then I want to look perfect for him.

“Wait here.”

I have the lace socks he bought me stashed away in the bathroom. I found a perfect spot to hide them under a mound of towels in a tiny basket. They're still in the same place. I close the door behind me and remove everything but the new top and slip on the socks and guarder belt. I'll save him time and ignore putting on any underwear' there's no point if he's just going to be taking it off.

I return to the bedroom eagerly and hop onto the bed with Levi noticing my change in attire almost immediately. I have a feeling he's going to be enjoying this as much as me.

“I'm ready.”

He chuckles with a few small huffs. His expression changes suddenly and his voice lowers when he moves closer. I hope nothing is wrong.

“Eren, do you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Good. If you get scared or want me to slow down, I want you to say that.”

“Trust?”

A safe word.

He nods and thumbs my cheek waiting for my acceptance. I lean into his touch and the warmth of his hand sending a shiver across my body. I doubt things will get so bad that I'll get afraid, but it's nice to know I have a back up in case it happens.

“I'm also trusting you. I need you to tell me if you're scared. I don't want to hurt you.”

“Okay.”

He disappears behind me and the silk binds wraps around my wrists. It's tight enough so I can't pull them apart, but not enough to be painful. I try to glance over my shoulder, but I can't see much. It's a little nerve wracking to be stripped of your arms, but I trust Levi. I'm giving him all the power because I know he won't hurt me. His hands slide up my hips and I whine, arching back against him when he explores higher.

“Are you gonna be a good boy?”

“Y-yes.”

“Are you going to do what I ask?”

“Yes.”

His voice is low and soft. It makes my skin crawl and insides squirm in a good way. Levi has never spoken to me like that before. He's taking every ounce of control and making me weak.

His hands are exploring under my top, tracing every inch of skin save for the place I want most. He knows it too. He's going to take it his time to make me as desperate as possible. I know how his mind works for the most part. He pulls the top past my chest so I can see his fingers at work. I arch when he gets close to my nipples, but he pulls away before the tender skin gets touched. Hot breath is down my neck which accompanies each soft chuckle when I whine.

“What is it, Eren?”

He's taunting me. I tug lightly at my wrists wishing I could pleasure what he isn't.

“Do you what me to touch your nipples?”

He pinches them softly and I moan without realizing it. My head tilts against his shoulder when I arch desperately into his touch. He's teasing me like a jerk. He knows it drives me nuts and his reactions tell me he enjoys it too much. I wish I could cover my mouth to hide the noises, but that's a little difficult at the moment.

He rolls my buds slowly with the pads of his fingers until my hips start grinding against nothing. The only thing between my legs is a mattress and it's not helping me. The touch it gives on the base of my shaft and pouch are forcing me to rub harder.

“D-don't tease me.”

He laughs and sucks on the back of my neck flicking both nipples until they're completely hard. They aren't the only things like that. I notice the sight between my legs and blush hard. At least I sped up the process by neglecting to wear panties. Levi would leave them on for another ten minutes just to drive me insane.

I gasp at the touch against my slit watching Levi circle his finger over my tip, urging me to buck up against it. My self control has gone out the window so I do as he's expecting.

“Cute. You're already so wet.”

I have no patience for my sexual appetite. I used to be able to go weeks with no contact whatsoever. Now we're both finding ways to sneak anything we can. We even made love in the back of Levi's car during a work break. I think Levi has corrupted my brain.

“Stay still for me.”

I try my best while watching him reach for the bag of mysterious items. I can't get a good look at anything. He pulls out a small bead on a string. I should have researched this stuff before Levi could surprise me with his weird fetish. I'll try anything once.

“Lift your hips.”

I do as I'm told, standing up on my knees trying not to move my hips too much. The friction from the mattress is gone and I'm left with nothing. Levi slips the bead over my tip in a swift movement and tightens the string until it's snug at the base of my crown. What is this thing supposed to do anyways? It's appearance amuses me.

There's something else in Levi's hand, but I don't get the chance to see it. He taps the inside of my thighs and I spread them wider. He's on his back before I can blink with his head between my legs.

“Levi, what are you doing?”

He's planning something. It's weird. I'm straddling his face and I can't see anything. When I try to move, he keeps me in place; his hands toying with my cheeks and squeezes them playfully. When they're spread my back bows while my insides throb. I can't control anything when it's all involuntary.

His soft hands spread me wide again and I cry out with something warm and wet against my hole. His tongue? No way. I echo his moan and rock my hips at the new sensation overwhelming my body. My entrance is kissed and sucked continuously sending lewd noises to my ears. I think my insides are melting.

“F-feels so good.”

After all my years with Jean, you'd think I would have experienced something like this, but generic sex was always the go to. I've never felt the warmth of a tongue around my ring and the soft bites on the tender skin. It's heavenly. There's no other way to describe it. It's sending shivers over my body and I whole new part of bonding I never knew about.

“Do you want more?”

It's not an average question. It's a teasing comment that's only meant to get me begging. Levi loves when I'm vocal and I've learned that after our time being together. He has a weakness for me being desperate and whining his name, and he knows just the right buttons to push to get what he wants. He's doing that now.

“P-please... I want more.”

“Good boy.”

Fuck. I think I have a new thing for dirty talk.

His tongue laps hungrily at my entrance until it dips inside and I choke out a moan I didn't know I could produce. It's so loud and desperate. The wet form explores my walls forcing me to grind back against it while rolling my hips. It's different than having a dick in there. Tongues are more flexible and wet even if they are smaller. Size doesn't matter in this situation.

“You taste sweet.”

“D-don't say that.”

I swear Levi has his face buried between my ass cheeks. He keeps his arms around my legs to prevent me from pulling away to give myself a break. I'm falling apart for him. I'm a slut. I'm _His_ slut. No one else could ever make me feel this. I'm glad to know I'm not the only newbie to this, though I'm starting to think I'll get Levi to do this more often.

“Deeper... please.”

He hums out a moan and tenses the muscles of his tongue rubbing it against that sweet bundle of nerves until I'm whining. He pulls out and starts shallow thrusts earning him soft wails after each one. It feels so good. Precum is leaking across his chest and I'm afraid I've ruined the shirt. None of us care too much right now and definitely not enough to stop. My prostate is being assaulted with pleasure and I can barely breathe. My lips are parted permanently to pant like a dog as spit drips down my chin and across my chest.

It's not enough. I want more. I'm so close to reaching my limit, but Levi is teasing me and not going hard enough for me to finish. I gave him all this control and now he's pushing me over the edge.

“L-Levi... I-I wanna cum.”

I bet he does too judging by the bulge in his pants. It wasn't there before all this started.

“That cock of yours has no patience does it?”

It's leaking so much. It's throbbing lightly against my stomach and it's such a lewd sight for me to watch. Levi is making a mess out of me like he always does. He knows my body better than I do. He's learned all of my weak spots for moments like this- or when he wakes up early and can't get back to sleep. I've only woken up once to a blow job, but it was the best morning of my life. Dreams can become reality after all.

“Please.”

He loves when I beg, and I'll use that as much as I can until I make him fall apart as much as me. I'm spread wide in his hands while he enjoys the view of my hole twitching lightly for more attention. I wiggle my hips and tug on the silk around my wrists not getting anywhere with it. If he could see my eyes, I would give him my best puppy dog look.

“I promise I'll be a good boy. Please...”

I know I've hit the hammer on the nail a little too hard when I'm lifted up and forced back onto the bed. My wrists are untied for a split second, but I'm restrained again this time with my arms above my head on the cast iron frame. I don't mind the change in position, but now I'm bound to blush more since Levi can see me. He's over top of my flushed body taking in every inch of what he's done. He straddles me while letting his fingertips trail up my sides.

“It's too early for you to cum.”

He smirks down at me and I squirm like a little prisoner. My insides are empty and no contact is pulling my brain in ten different directions. His hands feel so good, but I want them touching between my legs. I'm not bold enough to tell him that, though I'm sure he knows it. My body speaks for itself.

“Just look at you. Do you like having your ass teased?”

Those soft fingers find my perky buds and rub them slowly; tugging the tender skin getting me to arch up from the bed. The only thing going for me is Levi can't resist my body for too long. He has his limits. One of them is reaches and he dips down to take my nipple into his mouth. I moan loudly for him and watch his lips suckle and kiss my sensitive buds. As if I'm not hard enough already. Every pinch and love bite sends a jolt of pleasure down my spine.

“No more...”

Those dark eyes peak up at me in amusement and I flush darker looking away in an attempt to bury my face into my arm. It doesn't work as well as I'd planned. He pulls off my chest, but flicks his fingers over both nipples to keep me squirming.

“Are your insides lonely?”

  
“Put it in, please.”

I bite my lip playfully at the sight of the tent he's pitching in his pants. Images are dancing in my head of having him inside me and they won't stop. I'll take his fingers too. Anything. I haven't touched him at all yet so his arousal is from pleasuring me and the lewd noises I make. That thought alone turns me on a little more.

“I'll give you something better.”

Better? What could possibly be better than him?

He gets off my waist to find the bag yet again, but he keeps whatever it is hidden from me on purpose. He settles between my legs and I part them for him with a curious expression. I can't see too much but a bottle of lube. It's a new one. Thank god because we were running low.

Something cold touches my entrance and I squeak softly. I still can't see what it is, but it's rounded off and rather big. I grind back against is without my body's consent from knowing it could fill me up like I want. I'm being teased again.

I watch with lidded eyes when Levi finally brings the object into my view to coat it with lube. I blush hard and whine at the sight. I've never been pleasured with toys before. I hope it doesn't feel weird or hurt. The thick toy as small bumps all over it reminding me of a cactus- not exactly a pleasurable comparison.

When it's pushed inside my body arches and my legs spread wider the further it goes. It's a little bigger than Levi, but not enough to matter. It fills me up to the brim and I pant quietly rocking my hips to get used to the feeling. Levi watches with lust in his eyes and I could make him snap if I really wanted to. He's using up too much self control that he's bound to come undone.

“So big...”

He chuckles in that low sensual voice when he starts to move the toy; thrusting it slowly to let the bumps rub against my sweet spot. It's stretching me each time and it's a little painful, but a good kind of pain. Levi is watching my body clench around the toy and rewards my moans with sharp thrusts into my prostate to slowly get me louder. I'll need to write several letters of apology for our neighbors. These walls are far from soundproof.

It takes a second for me to notice Levi's pants down slightly with his member pulled out while he strokes himself. I knew he wouldn't last too long while doing all of this. I can make him break just as much as he does to me. I wish I could touch him and taste those drops of precum, but that's a little too hard right now- no pun intended.

“Does it feel good?”

“Y-yes... so good.”

His smirk doesn't go unnoticed along with a small click. The pleasure hits me before the noise, but I could care less about that right now. Fuck Levi to hell and back. Every inch of the thick toy is vibrating against my insides and tearing me apart into a slutty mess. Tears are building up in my eyes with each cry and my hips won't stop moving. I've never felt anything like this before. More fluid is leaking onto my stomach and I'm going to burst. I'm trying to form words, but only cries and moans are leaving my lips.

“Such a lewd boy.”

I should have known he would get a vibrator. I was naive to think it was a regular dildo for fuck sakes. Anything to make tearing me apart easier he would buy in a heartbeat. Not only that, but it's moving inside me. The tip is rolling around my walls and stretching me wiped. I won't last very long. I'm wailing like I'm about to die and so much pressure is building up in my stomach.

“L-Levi! I-I can't-!”

Everything feels so good.

I'm on the edge when he thrusts the toy faster and deeper. I want to cum so badly, but nothing is happening. My member is so swollen that it's completely jaw dropping that I haven't finished. The pressure is getting worse, but why won't it come out? He notices my confusion and taps the small bead under my crown. I forgot he put it there at the start. He still has that other thing in his hand that he finally shows me as a small remote. It has two buttons that are pretty self explanatory.

The moment his thumb presses that little knob and the exact time my body starts to throb. The little bead starts to vibrate and my hips move to accompany the pleasure. It's overwhelming. I'm letting out cries and screams of desperation all while trying to bite my lip.

Why is there nothing coming out? I'm going to break in half. The string it tied too tightly around my tip for me to finish. I had no idea that was possible. I swear I'm going to punch Levi in the dick after this. Never mind that I'm panting his name and melting under his dark eyes. Spit continues to run down my chin and now I have tears being added to the mix.

Levi peeks up at me from his position between my legs to tease his tongue around my slit. He can tell I'm at m limit. Scratch that; I passed my limit a while ago and now he's just being cruel. He's dragging it on for as long as possible now that he has the power. I both love and hate him for it.

“Do you want to cum?”

“Y-yes... please.”

“I can't hear you.”

He thrusts the toy harder into my sweet spot until I'm squirming under him like a dying fish. I'm losing air with each moan with my brain focused on nothing but how my body is too overstimulated. It's the most confusing feeling when you're on the verge of climaxing, but can't. My legs are tense and my lower back is going to be aching for awhile after this.

“Please! Please, Levi!”

“Please what?”

I'm so sorry neighbors.

“I wanna cum! Please let me cum!”

“Good boy.”

I watch his fingers through teary eyes when he unties the string letting the bead fall onto the mattress. For a moment I think I can relax until his lips wraps around my head and sucks hungrily. Fuck, nothing can feel better than him.

I let my body go and cry harshly when I cum into his mouth. My vision is white hot as the wound up pressure releases harder than I've felt before. My eyes are forced shut with my lips parted while moaning and whining until my high passes the extreme. The muscles in my legs relax and I focus on Levi when he pulls off my member swallowing my seed. It's throbbing lightly and could use a break along with my ass.

He removes the vibrator and tosses it aside on the bed giving my thighs loving kisses all while watching me pant and gasp for air. Sweat is beading down my brow and chest from doing nothing whatsoever. I did none of the work, but it sure feels like a ran a good mile.

The restraints are the next to go. Levi's fingers slip a little from what I'm noticing is semen. He must have finished while watching me. That alone makes me blush, and also love him even more if that's possible. He wipes them off on his shirt when I'm freed and continues his trail of kisses across my legs up to my belly where I laugh quietly and push him away.

“You were so beautiful.”

Levi crawls over me before I can move to kiss my jawline and ultimately my lips. I'm sure some people wouldn't want their partner kissing them after oral, but I couldn't care less. I want Levi's lips on me whenever possible. I'm sure he feels the same. I wrap my arms around his neck still a little sore from being tied up, but it's not too inconvenient. He kisses me again and his eyes soften.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. It felt really good.”

My face is flushed while I speak; a little embarrassed I enjoyed it so much. Being bent by Levi's will is something I could get used to. He knows how to pleasure while keeping me safe. I'm glad I didn't have to stop him half way. I didn't get scared once so that's a major step for me. I always associated being restrained with what happened when I lost my virginity. I don't have to think that way now.

“I guess this is the part where I wish you Happy Birthday.”

I smile and pull him down closer to nuzzle into the side of his neck. He shaves every morning though I can feel some of the stubble growing back on his chin. He looks pretty good with light facial hair. I can't grow any to save my life.

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“W-would it be okay... if we did this again sometime?”

I keep my face hidden along with the blush. I loved having him control me and talk so lewd in a low voice. I also love when he's gentle, but this is a nice change.

“It's more than okay. I could do that for a week straight if you let me.”

Good to know he enjoyed himself so much. He's been wanting to do this for awhile and now that the ice has been broken he'll explore it as much as he can. Something tells me he'll get some crazy ideas for our wedding night.

He tried to get up but I keep him down and wrap my legs around his waist to look like a baby koala. He gives me a look with raised eyebrows and kisses my nose to annoy me.

“Can you carry me to the shower?”

I'm sticky and sweaty. There's no way in hell I'm sleeping like that.

“Are you legs still broken?”

“But it's my birthday.”

I manage my best pout and he rolls his eyes with a huff.

“Anything else your highness?”

“Maybe a massage?”

“Don't test your luck.”

He lifts me from the bed and I cling to his damp shirt. I should find it gross but it smells like him with a mixture of soap and sex. It's hard to hold on when my limbs feel like jelly, but Levi does most of the work. His fingers are pressed softly into the flesh of my thighs to keep me up and he kisses my neck for good measure.

“Can we have the wedding tomorrow?”

Levi glances at me like I'm insane. The only preparations we've made is the location and guest list.

“Why would we do that?”

“I've been waiting too long to become yours.”

For the first time I see a genuine smile spread on Levi's face and I want to cry of happiness. Where's a camera when you need it?

“We don't need a wedding for that. You always were.”

“But still...”

“Patience, brat. It'll happen soon enough.

 

 


	49. Chapter 49

The day of the wedding couldn't come soon enough. I tried to sleep, I really did, but I was so nervous and excited that I barely closed my eyes for a few hours. Levi played with my hair to try and help me calm down when he woke up in the middle of the night and noticed me pacing the room. I laid down next to him and he kissed me over and over, but nothing helped my nerves to settle.

I did manage to get another hour of shut eye around 6am, but had to wake up early to get ready. I'm worried the bags are going to be so dark that I'll look disgusting. The first thing I do is run to the bathroom and try to wipe away the dark circles with the result being as I expected.

Levi grabs a shower and packs most of the things while I hid out with the door closed trying to make my face look normal again. It's the most important day of my life and I look like a zombie. Even after my own shower I can't seem to look like I'm awake in the slightest. I pinch my cheeks a few times to get them a nice rosy colour, but that's the best I can do. I knew I should have invested in makeup.

My time is passed trying to doll myself up and I slip on my dark pants and dress shirt. I need to wear something sort of fancy before being dressed up like I'm in a soap opera. I'm really excited to see Levi in a suit and I'm just as excited to wear mine. Mikasa came with me to make sure everything fit and it suited me. The tie makes my eyes look brighter according to her. I hate the thought, but I'll suffer with it for Levi.

All the bags are triple checked before packing the car and heading for Erwin's cottage. He stayed overnight with his parents to set up all the details before we got there. I need to thank them a couple hundred times for doing all this. They're going through so much trouble to make this day special for us. That amps my nerves up too.

I chose a few cheesy songs for the drive to distract myself from everything ahead of me. Waiting is the worst part and I'm scared something will go wrong. I've never been so sure of something in my entire life, so why am I nervous? There is no mistake in this decision, so I should relax a little and enjoy being around all the people I love.

My first sight of the cabin is at the end of a long dirt road. It's rocking the typical cabin look being surrounded by trees with no other homes in sight. I can see the lake past the white fence in the backyard and I nearly squeak. I want to go swimming so bad, but it'll mess up those hours I spend getting my hair to stay flat. The rest of the place is made from amber logs with gorgeous cathedral windows stretching the length of the walls. It's beautiful and way better than most people's homes.

I hop out of the car carrying the bag with my suit and stare in awe at the double story cabin. Even the air smells better here. Karen greets us at the front door while Erwin and his father help bring in the rest of the bags. I want to see the inside of this place so badly.

“Eren...”

I spin around the watch Levi grab the last few cases and close the trunk. He fishes something out in a small box and I'm going to smack him upside the head if he bought me jewelry. Both of us have been trying so hard to put away money to buy our own place so I don't need anything that comes from a store.

“I know you told me you don't want to wear a veil, so I found something else.”

He hands me the box and I set down my own bag carefully as to not get it dirty. It fits perfectly in my hands and I'm mesmerized by the shiny texture. It's easy enough to open; slipping the lid under the bottom to smile gently at the flower perched on the tissue paper. I recognize it instantly and slide my thumb over one of the delicate petals. A carnation. And it's the perfect shade of pink; exactly like my dad used to buy for my mother.

“You don't have to put it on, I just wanted to give it to you.”

“Thank you.”

I'm definitely going to wear it. It gives me that little reminder that my mom is with me and watching me even if she's not here physically. I bet she would be crying and hugging me wishing I hadn't grown up on her so fast. Mothers are always sentimental like that and get emotional whenever their child leaves the nest. I really hope my mom is proud of where I am, despite all the pain I've put myself through.

I take his hand and let him guide me into the monstrosity of a cabin. I'm forced to keep my mouth shut instead of gaping while looking around. It's so perfect; smooth wooden walls and hardwood flooring, slick black leather furniture and brand new counter tops from what I can see in the kitchen. All accessories are warm shades of red like the area rug and lamp shades. I really want to live here and beg the Smith's to put it up for sale just so I can buy it.

“Can I go see the lake?”

It's taunting me from the giant glass doors leading out from the living room. The lawn is a shade of green that I could only imagine in a fantasy world to make the whole scene surreal. There's a small area with white wicker chairs and an arch decorated with flowers that sink the reality into me once again. I'm here to get married.

“We just got here, brat. Relax a little.”

I'm bouncing on my heels rocking back and forth trying to keep myself calm. There were a couple other cars in the driveway so someone else must have beaten us here. Erwin pulls Levi aside to take his things into a separate room for when we need to get ready. I go to follow, but an arm is around my neck hugging me and pulling me the other direction.

“I'll take those for you!”

Hanji.

She's been ecstatic at work ever since she found out about our engagement and insisted she help me get ready. I've grown to know her more as a person and she's what most people would call crazy, but she means well. She peaks inside the bag and shrieks like a school girl. There's nothing special about what I brought; it's a plain white suit, but Hanji is making everyone believe it's a new puppy.

“I can't wait to see you all dressed up!”

Me neither, but I'm not going to wet myself over it. All I really want to do right now is see every inch of this place so I can fawn over it. Erwin is so lucky to be born into a rich family.

Hanji takes my things and I neglect what Levi said to head out the back door. I stare at the grass as it flattens softly beneath my feet almost like a mattress under my shoes. I get a better look at the archway and the chairs lining around a small strip of white carpet. I blush and glance away trying not to think about it. I'm nervous enough as it is. Good thing this wedding isn't going to be very big. Close family and friends is all I need.

There's a wooden dock in the center of the yard leading into the water. I can't help but walk to the edge and sit down to pull my shoes off. I stuff my socks into them and let my toes skim across the water. It's so warm and now I have an urge to go swimming. If I weren't the bride, then I would consider it. On the other hand, I could lay down and fall asleep here without even trying. A nap sounds really nice right about now.

“If you fall in, Levi is going to kill you.”

I look over my shoulder to see the familiar blond giving me a cheery grin. I smile and laugh at his comment dipping my feet in a little further. I nearly forgot he was flying out just to be here.

“I think Hanji would be the one to have my head on a stick.”

“Actually I think she would love it. That would mean she'd be able to help you get ready even longer.”

Her enthusiasm didn't go unnoticed it seems. I can practically hear her prancing around from out here.

I roll me eyes and Armin sits down next to me, but crosses his legs so he doesn't touch the water. He wouldn't want to get his new Converse dirty or anything. Only Armin could pull off wearing a tux without dress shoes. I don't give a crap about footwear anyways.

“I hope she didn't hear you or it'll give her ideas.”

“I could always do it for her.”

I do my best to glare at him while he strains to keep a straight face. It takes all of three seconds for us to fall apart into laughter. I'm really happy he could make it out here. I wanted him to bring his grandfather along, but two celebrations happened to hit the same day. Armin promised to take lots of pictures for him though, so that was good enough.

I keep my smile when I stare back into the water; watching the minnows swim around just bellow the surface. I don't think I've been fishing once in my life, but I'd like to try. That could be an idea for our honeymoon. Though, I know Levi well enough to know that would turn into a make out session on a boat.

“Are you nervous?”

I am, but I shouldn't be.

“A little.”

“Waiting is always the worst part. You should have seen how nervous I was before giving my valedictorian speech.”

“Really?”

I never got the chance to hear his speech since high school was a no go for me; and our friendship was over long before. He nods with a snort and leans back on his palms in a more relaxed pose. He looks different when he has his hair pulled back. I've never seen him look so dressed up for an occasion. He really went all out for this wedding.

“It's normal for you to be nervous on your wedding day. But, being nervous doesn't change the fact that you're in love, does it?”

He's getting me flustered now that he's back to fawning over my relationship. I thought he would have cooled it down from his time away from here, but that's only made his obsession grow more. He's the kind of person who would watch us from outside the window- most likely with a camera.

“N-no... but I still have to say my vows. What if I mess up?”

“Then we'll all laugh and think you're adorable.”

I'm really tempted to push him into the lake.

I huff at him the best I can and turn back to the water while he laughs out loud at the look on my face. His favourite pastime is annoying me, much like Levi. They both have their ways of pushing my buttons. The vows are the most important part aren't they? I didn't write anything down, so my mind could draw a blank at any minute. How embarrassing would that be.

“Is Mikasa here?”

“Of course she is. She drove me here after all. Though I think she's busy getting friendly with that guy from the new years party.”

I figured as much. Whenever we would hangout she would check her phone more often than usual. The number of texts she got everyday were nearing the triple digits. I wanted to ask, but she's always kept to herself about anything personal. I'm happy for her, but now I'm starting to understand her over protective manners now that my brain is in a loop of 'That guy better not hurt her or I'm hunting him down'.

“And what about you? Are you getting friendly with Annie, yet?”

“Oh, come on. Not you too.”

Now it's my turn to annoy him. He's been all over my case about Levi and wanting to know every last detail of what we've done, both in a sexual and non sexual context. He's a weird fan boy like that. I never knew it was possible to fan boy over a real couple. I thought that shit was designed for movies.

“I thought you were gonna talk to her.”

“We text, and I've called her a few times, but never planned any sort of date.”

I roll my eyes with a sigh that's meant to sound sarcastically frustrated. Armin is an even bigger noobie when it comes to relationships. At least I've dated a few people, but he's always been too busy with school and trying to pass as the highest ranking student. He doesn't have time to put anyone before himself, which is why Annie is so special. It's the first time he's considered it. It would be nice for him to have some female contact that isn't Mikasa.

“You better call her tonight and ask her out, or Levi and I are getting a divorce.”

A joke obviously.

“If you two ever break up I'm smacking you upside the head.”

“Then call her.”

“Fine.”

He may or may not be telling the truth, but I'll take his word for now. I'm sure Mikasa has been on his case for the past few weeks ever since she's found a romantic interest. I don't even know what the guys name is, but good for her. I want to see the people I love be happy.

“Ereeeen!”

That high pitched screech is non other than Hanji barreling down the hill with her arms failing like a mad woman. Half of me thinks she's going to trip into the water, but manages to slow down before the dock and walk relatively calm and out of breath. She takes my arm eagerly trying to get me to stand, which I reluctantly do after a moment of confusion. I hope nothing's wrong.

“I want to get you ready.”

“Now?”

It's it a little early? Well, it's not like we have a schedule for today. After the whole ceremony ordeal, it's going to be a bunch of talking and a few performers for live music and dance. I'm the most excited for that. I've never danced with Levi in any fashion seeing as neither of us are particularly light on our feet. Alcohol definitely won't fix that.

The warm sensation of the lake leaves my feet and I grab my shoes before Hanji can pull me off the dock. Armin is trying not to laugh and gets up to follow. More people are spilling into the cottage, so I'm sure he can find someone around to spark a conversation.

“I just couldn't wait any longer. I set up all your things in the spare bedroom, and I found some products to make your hair smell amazing! You can try some of my perfume if you'd like, or there's a few different kinds in the bathroom. By the way, do you have any contacts, or are you going to wear your glasses?”

“Um, I didn't-”

“Oh that's alright! Glasses make us folks look sophisticated!”

We leave Armin standing in the hall on the way to the bedroom giving us small giggles and waving as I'm being dragged off like a prisoner. Mikasa spots us and indicates a finger in the air telling me she'll be joining in a few minutes. I'm glad I won't have to suffer alone with Hanji coddling me and potentially smothering me with perfume. I don't see Levi, though I'm sure he's busy helping our Erwin's parents or catching up on the latest family news.

The door closes behind me and I notice most of the furniture is pushed to the side to make a clear opening in the center. The bag filled with my clothes is on the bed and a few products of some kind on the dresser next to the giant wall mirror. It's the ideal place to get ready I'll say that much.

“Now lets get you dolled up. When I'm through here Levi won't be able to resist you!”

I swallow whatever pride I have and let Hanji take control with the brushes and multiple sprays. I didn't do too much to my hair before I left the apartment leaving it looking like the usual rats nest. It feels pretty nice to have someone else play with my hair. It's a weird kind of massage like those lice checks you get in public school.

Mikasa shows up with Armin to observe and add a few touches here and there. Armin just watches for the most part and keeps asking me what Levi and I are gong to do for our honey moon. I don't want to do anything big, since I'd rather save the money so we can buy a house. I did mention about going back to that bridge. It holds a special place in my heart because of what happened there. It was so beautiful and we could finally be alone away from everything, but nothing is final yet.

I gave into Mikasa begging to put makeup on me. I allowed a little black liner around my eyes, but nothing crazy like foundation or lipstick. It's because of her that I know what those things are. I figured I'd humor her and suffer with it just for today. She's helped me out too much to turn her down, and she is my sister after all.

I watch each step through the mirror and touch my hair occasionally noticing it feels like silk with all the products Hanji dumped into my scalp. Small curls are framing the edge of my face and they're going to drive Levi up the wall. He says I look sexy as hell when my hair curls. I take no blame for the potential outcomes.

Mikasa is busy ironing out my clothes as I adjust my glasses with Hanji poking at my face and hair as if I'm going in for a photo shoot. I can't imagine the pressure some girls must feel on their wedding day. Having to look perfect in front of hundreds of people would take it's toll on anyone. I'm glad this is a small wedding. I wish my mom could be here with me, but I know she's watching.

“I'm glad you took my advice and went for the lighter suit. It will look better with your tie.”

“You would have shot me if I didn't pick it so I didn't have much choice.”

She glares at me and I smirk while I'm urged to stand so I can get dressed. I'm not a fan of suits, but there's no way I was wearing a dress. Besides, have you seen the price tags on those things? I don't shit gold on a regular basis. I think Levi's shit talk is rubbing off on me.

With the suit pressed and flat as a board, I slip it on in the attached bathroom, checking myself in the miniature sink mirror before returning back to the bedroom. Hanji's squeal nearly turns me deaf and Mikasa looks so smug with her choice. Armin just gives the typical thumbs up that most guys give to their friends. My tie is the last to put on, and I leave that to someone else so I don't screw it up. Hanji takes the honors and loops it around my neck when there's a knock on the door.

“Hanji, can you get the stupid tie to work?”

I laugh as silently as I can hearing Levi's voice. I'm not the only one who has issues with these things.

“I'm busy!”

“I'm not waiting all day.”

“Go ask Erwin.”

“He has no idea either.”

Armin is the next to join me in the quiet laughter. Mikasa leans hard against the door to make sure Levi can't come in. It's some weird wedding tradition that the couple can't see each other until the actual ceremony. I think she would kill him if he was spoiled early with all the hard work.

“Hold on. I'm making your fiance look beautiful.”

“He already is, so stop wasting your time and get out here.”

God dammit, Levi. I don't need any more reasons to blush.

“Eren, tell your fiance to stop being such a sap.”

She sighs with a roll of her eyes and finishes with her work; flattening the tie and tucking it under the jacket. It's been so long having her hovering around me that I think she's satisfied with how I look. I don't appear to shabby to be completely honest. It would be nice to have the time and motivation to look like this everyday. Hanji sneaks out of the room followed by muffled arguing that disappears down the hall. Armin gives me a firm pat on the shoulder and heads out to make sure everyone is here and finding their place. It gives me a moment to breathe and look around the room to clear my head.

Mikasa is humming to herself and cleaning up the mess Hanji left behind. I gasp nearly forgetting the most important part and locate the box Levi gave me when we arrived. The light petaled flower is still intact on the padded interior. I'll manage to put it on myself. My fingers shake a little when I eagerly pin it above my ear and fluff it up like a pillow.

“You dropped something.”

“I what?”

She's pointing to a folded piece of paper on the floor that I never noticed fall. It must have been stuffed inside like a present- no doubt something cheesy Levi wrote at the last second. I'm not proven wrong as I bend down to open the note.

_I love you, Eren._

What an absolute dork.

I have to admit, his handwriting looks better than I remember. The chicken scratch is actually legible

“How long do I have to wait in here?”

“Relax. Armin will be back with that answer.”

I would consider leaning against the wall or sitting on the bed while I wait, but I don't want to risk getting my clothes dirty. I tuck the note into my pocket and watch Mikasa clean up and push some of the product bottles to the side of the dresser. She looks really pretty in her dark red dress and I have time to admire it while she's silent- a little too silent. Her response from before was so monotone that I'm getting a little worried.

“Mikasa... is there something wrong?”

“No. I'm fine.”

Isn't that always the answer? No one likes to talk unless they're pushed over the edge for some reason, and Mikasa is more stubborn than most people.

“Did I do something? Are you mad at me?”

I can't help but think I screwed up somewhere along the line. I should have said hi to her when we came in, but I didn't know she was here, or maybe she wanted to help more with getting me ready and I let Hanji have all the attention. Her head cocks slightly over her shoulder and I look away before she can search my face. I'm back to toying with my fingers nervously when the reply doesn't come immediately.

“I'm not mad at you... it's Levi.”

I can't tell if that's worse than her hating me. Her and Levi have never been the best of friends, but maybe he said something wrong when he saw her, or maybe this has been ongoing?

“But... why?”

She goes quiet and pretends to fix up the bottles again despite them being perfectly in place and cleaned to perfection. I don't like when people avoid me and dance around questions that are eating away at my insides. Mikasa is the last person I want hating me or my partner. I'll have to slap Levi if he did anything.

Her fingers glide along the smooth wood of the dresser; running over the small grooves and bumps with a sigh escaping her crimson coloured lips. I never noticed she was wearing lipstick. She isn't the kind of person to load on the makeup.

“It's stupid to think he's taking you away from me... but that's how I feel.”

“So you think... I won't want to be around you?”

She won't look at me and I understand why. From what I remember when we were little, she never liked to show anyone her emotions. Stone cold was how she was built, but that's stupid. Everyone gets upset sometimes, but she's more personal about it.

“Mikasa, nothing is going to change. The only difference will be the ring.”

“First it's the ring, then you'll move away, then you'll want kids and you'll be too busy for anything else.”

I get up from the bed with a frown and position myself beside her so she can't turn away as easily. If she looks up, she'll have my giant eyes staring at her through the mirror. I place my had on hers so she'll stop fidgeting with the wood and pay attention.

“I promise I'll always be here. I never want to move away from you. I love Levi, but that doesn't mean I don't love you too. We're family.”

I catch a hint of a smile under her dark bangs. All she needs is reassurance. I've never directly told her what our plans are after the marriage, but it definitely doesn't involve moving away to some foreign country.

“Besides, I'll need your help if we ever have kids. You could be their fashion designer.”

She snorts and slaps my hand away playfully, fixing her hair with a comb of her fingers. I don't want to ever see her upset if there's anything I can do about it. We may not be related by blood, but she is my sister, and the best one in the world.

“Eren... I'm sorry you had to grow up so fast.”

It's a stab in the gut, but one that's true. If it weren't for what my father did, I would still be at home and maybe going to college relying on sheer luck to get through. I learned rather fast that the world is a cruel place, but there's still a lot I don't know. Levi ans I can figure it out together.

Armin pops his head in giving me a heart attack letting us know everyone is outside waiting for the bride (me). Mikasa does some quick last minute touch ups and finishes with a hug before running off to join the rest of the ceremony on stage. I'm left with Armin who I entrusted with the most important job on top of being my partial best man with Erwin. He smiles and tries to hide his torrent of emotions- succeeding rather well.

“Ready?”

“More than ready.”

 


	50. Chapter 50

I'm left a little nervous and excited waiting inside the back door for everyone to take their seats outside. We really couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day. I watch the small group of friends and family place themselves in the bleached white chairs lining the lawn. Erwin's parents did an amazing job. I also have to give credit to Mikasa who selected the flowers to decorate the fences and arch.

“Do I look okay?”

“You're gonna knock em dead.”

Not literally I hope.

There's soft music playing from the high tech speakers and I spot Mikasa on the platform along with Erwin. I didn't have a lot of selection when it game to 'bride's maids', but Mikasa was so enthused she got to be the only one. I spot Levi and nearly eat my tongue feeling like a giddy school girl again. Holly crap I'm getting married, someone pinch me.

Armin holds out his forearm and I loop my arm through it eagerly with a blush. It's a little odd to be doing this with my best friend, but I couldn't ask for anyone better.

“It feels like I'm taking you to prom.”

I cover my laugh trying to compose myself before I finally get to see Levi. We've been separated for a few hours, but it's passing by like weeks. He hasn't noticed me at the back door and I'm glad for that. He's nagging at Erwin for attempting to fix his tie.

When the music starts my heart leaps into my throat. It's the traditional tune you hear at every wedding in the movies or on TV. I let Armin lead me so I don't fall on my face- these shoes aren't the most comfortable in the world. I'll never understand how woman can wear heels and not face plant when I'm struggling in flats.

The warm air hits me and the sun feels so good after being cooped up in an air conditioned cabin. My eyes are on Levi every second of the walk as we approach the path between the rows of chairs. He hasn't moved an inch. Hanji is already crying with a wad of tissues balled up in her hand. I think she's the only one besides Erwin's mother who's wiping back stray tears. Why is it always the woman figures that get overly emotional at weddings?

I get a little embarrassed when we start walking between the crowd. I'm gonna start blushing if I'm not careful while everyone looks at me while I'm all dressed up. Levi is waiting for me on the small platform. I didn't even notice the guy beside him, but I guess we need someone to say all those mandatory lines to make it official. I smile when our eyes meet and I've never seen his expression look so soft. I want to run up and hug him, but I stay with Armin when we reach the two stairs before the arch. The music is silent and the older man above us is the first to speak.

“Who presents this man to be married to this man?”

"On behalf of all that have gathered here, and of all those not able to be with us today, I do."

Armin lowers his arm allowing me to join Levi eagerly as he takes my hands. He looks so different, but I could say the same for me too. His hair is slicked back with no piercings on his skin whatsoever. I've never seen him wear a tux before, but I might want more after this. I still can't believe this is happening.

“You look beautiful.”

Of course I blush and shrink into myself a little. Levi hardly ever uses that word, but when he does my body melts into a puddle. I reach up and press my finger against his hair wondering how it's staying so flat. He doesn't give me much time to toy around with it before he takes my hands and kisses each finger like they're about to fall off.

The older man between us starts off with the line you hear in every wedding.'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here, blah, blah, forever hold your peace'. I'm too busy trying to control my blushing now that Levi is fixing his gaze on every inch of me to take in all the work Hanji did. There's a cheesy hymn about love and marriage read aloud to lead into the vows. I'm drawing a complete blank because I was stupid and didn't write anything down. My hands are getting sweaty, but Levi refuses to let them go. His thumbs brush along the back of my hands when he speaks. I'm glad I don't have to go first in all of this.

"I take you, Eren to be my partner, loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. I want the chance to grow together to see the man you will become. I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life will bring us. I promise I will always be there through all the good and bad to make you whole."

It's so formal, but so perfect. I really don't want to cry, but that's becoming progressively more difficult the longer I stand here and feel the flutter in my chest. I release one of Levi's hands to wipe the small pools forming on the rim of my eyes. The glasses are annoying, but I know how much he loves them. Tears of happiness have been rare these past few tears, so I'll let them fall if I have to.

There's a blank space in my brain where the words for my vows have been written. I spent days rewriting them and researching to find the perfect things to say, and now I'm throwing that aside to spill everything from my heart. I choke a little at first, but find my ground when I meet those stormy eyes.

“Levi... I-I don't know what I can say that will truly express how I feel. I can't imagine where I would be right now if you hadn't helped me. There's still so much we don't know, and I want to be there with you so we can learn everything together. I'll take all the good and bad that comes with it as long as I can stay by your side. I-I love you and I always will no matter what.”

My feelings are pouring out of my mouth in word vomit for everyone to hear. It's such a personal moment that's been shared with the people I love. I want everyone here to know how much Levi means to me and how happy I am to be his. I can still hear Hanji in the small crowd and even Erwin's mom. I'm sure my mother would be doing the exact same thing. I know she's proud. I may have had a rough start, but my road is smoothing out.

Hours seem to pass before that little gold band is slipped over my finger so easily despite my shaking. I'm letting the tears fall like rain with a smile on my face. It feels really good to cry like this. If I'm dreaming please don't ever let me wake up.

I practically jump into Levi's arms when we're allowed to kiss; my arms wrapping protectively around his neck while he holds my waist for balance. My legs could turn to jello at any moment. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if Levi had to carry me back to the cabin like I'm a newborn puppy or something. The kiss doesn't last forever, but Levi makes sure to sneak in a second brush of our lips when he cups my cheeks.

Armin is squealing with a mixture of cheering from his position in the back and a camera strapped around his wrist. Now that I mention it, everyone is getting pretty noisy. You'd think I'm a performer with how everyone is cheering and clapping. It sends warmth through my body to see everyone as happy as me. I couldn't wish for a better family.

Levi takes my hand and I follow when we walk back down through the isle. I'm staring at that diamond flickering on my finger. I told Levi not to spend too much, but he may have splurged just this once. I'll forgive him.

Hanji gets right up in our face with the camera she bought specifically for this occasion with Armin hanging on her shoulder as a sidekick. Levi makes sure to get a cheesy shot of us kissing that he now wants as background for his phone. I simply roll my eyes and enjoy the sweet taste of the kiss like I'll never feel it again. I'm excited to see how they'll turn out, and we're going to need some framed pictures for our future home.

There's a few wedding gifts in tacky wrapping paper and giant bows courtesy for Erwin's parents. We never asked for anything, but they couldn't resist spoiling us like they always do. Petra gave me a hug before presenting hers and I'm glad she could make it. I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't notice her in the crowd. She dragged Auruo here as a date, so things must be going well for them. He's less of a dick now.

The fancy dinner weddings normally have is replaced with a potluck featuring Karen's amazing dressing, pasta salads, casseroles, veggies, dips, and of course cake and wine. It's hard for me not to stuff my face so I don't bother having any restraint. I even steal most of Levi's cake when he's not paying attention and he doesn't' mind since he gets to feed me off his fork. Everything tastes so good and I haven't eaten at all today, so can you blame me?

Levi and I separate after the food so we can socialize with whoever is around. Me? I grab an extra bag of chips and sit on the dock with Armin. Those same minnows are swimming bellow our feet, and the occasional sunfish that comes to the surface. Apparently fish like chips. The silence around us is comfortable and a nice change from the crowded chatter happening in the backyard. I'd much rather watch the sunset from across the water.

“We need to have a beach day soon and you better come.”

I laugh to myself with every intention of joining Armin in whatever crazy trip he's planning. I haven't been the to beach in a dog's age and he's obsessed with the ocean. That would also involve a shopping trip to by a swim suit which may be more exciting than the actual beach.

“You're not gonna get all excited about the shells, are you?”

He flicks a chip at my face and I eat it just to taunt him.

“Don't worry, I'll make sure to fawn over the sand too.”

“Remind me again why you didn't become an oceanographer?”

“That's going to be my second job.”

Of course. He's joking, but if it came true, it really wouldn't shock me.

“I'm definitely coming back home for the summer, so we're making plans for then.”

“Is Mikasa coming?”

“Of course! Bring Levi.”

The mixture of Levi and me in a bathing suit is a dangerous combination. I'm not turning down anything as long as he can keep his dick in his pants.

“By the way, don't think I forgot to get you guys a wedding gift.”

“It's not like I'd be mad if you didn't.”

He watches me sprinkle in a few more crumbs across the surface of the water; the fish coming up to nip at the salty treat as if they haven't eaten in weeks. What a simple life.

“I'll tell you now that it isn't PG, so I'll give it to you later.”

I shoot him a glance of embarrassment and concern mixed into one. I would have slapped him across the face if he wasn't so considerate. I can imagine the look on everyone's face if I opened up some kind of deranged sex toy.

“Don't look at me like that. Trust me when say you're both going to love it.”

“I can't believe you.”

He chuckles and looks back for a moment to watch some of the porcelain white chairs being carried out of the yard. I insisted on having some kind of dance so I could finally see Levi in action. Karen was thrilled and paid a few close friends to come perform. I'm more than excited to hear them play.

“So, how does it feel?”

“What?”

“Being married.”

I blink and give some thought to his question. Honestly, I thought I would feel different, like I just aged a few years, but this whole experience has been similar to one big birthday party. When I go home, the only difference will be the ring on my finger. I'd been so nervous for no reason. I don't regret anything and I still love Levi just as much as the last moment. It makes me smile whenever I see Erwin giving him a pat on the shoulder as a congratulations. He knows we'll be happy.

“I feel the same. And I wouldn't mind getting married again if it means having this much food.”

“Really? No difference at all? Then why do adults make it seem like such a big deal?”

“If you were marrying someone you hate, then it might be a big deal.”

He shrugs and licks off his fingers to ensure nothing gets on his suit. I've passed my moments of carrying what I look like now that the main ceremony is over. I'd contemplate jumping in the lake if I didn't have to wear the same clothes for the rest of the night.

“Armin... I want to thank you. You really didn't need to do so much for me.”

“Are you kidding me? I'm upset I couldn't do more!”

Armin is the best kind of friend. Better than anyone I could have hoped for. He never questions anything, and when he does, he accepts the answer and moves on. When I asked if he could give me away, he never asked why my father wasn't involved, he simply shrieked like a girl and proceeded to hug me and brag about it to everyone he knew. If I ever tell him the truth, he won't be any different and that's something I can count on.

“Still... thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

“Ereeeeeen! Come get the party started!”

Dammit Hanji is drunk. She's more loud and obnoxious than usual. Someone should have taken the wine away before she could down the entire bottle. She's screaming down the hill waving her arms to make sure she has our utmost attention.

“I hope I don't have to dance with her.”

“If she's on the floor, is it really considered dancing?”

“You have a point.”

The dock is neglected as I race Armin up the hill and lose by a landslide. I blame his long legs and my fancy ass shoes. They're the first things to go when we reach the top and I toss them to the side next to the cabin. I find Levi in the crowd and latch onto his arm silently as to not interrupt whatever conversation he's having. He acknowledges me with a kiss and returns to sipping at his wine in the weird way he holds his cup.

The main area is cleared out with a small platform facing the lake like a live concert. It's really pretty now that the sun is nearly gone; It's blocked out by the trees giving the illusion of night. There's a string of lanterns along the walls of the cabin and larger ones hung on the platform so the performers can see what they're doing. I notice a couple guitars and microphones, but not too much detail.

Mikasa is off with her newly discovered boyfriend getting acquainted with Petra and Auruo. A few of Erwin's friends are tossing around a football like the jocks they are, and Karen is eagerly setting up the finishing touches so everything is perfect. That woman has worked herself silly today. I'll have to get her something as a thank you.

“Tired yet?”

Glancing up I'm met with Levi's eyes and I snuggle my cheek closer to the softness of his dress shirt. I'm going to force him to wear then more often. His hair has gotten a little messier over the hours and it suits him better than the gel he had in to slick it back.

“A little. I still wanna dance though.”

“Are you expecting me to be graceful or some shit?”

“No.”

“Good. I'm not.”

“Are you blaming the wine?”

“I'm blaming my lack of skill.”

We're in the same boat. I've never danced before besides the new years party, but that was more like flailing than actual dancing. I smile and hold his arm a little closer to make sure he doesn't leave. We've been separated for most of days, so I'm going to enjoy him here for what little there is left. He hands me his glass and I take a sip of the bubbly crystal liquid to make my face pucker up as if it's sour. I don't drink too much for that exact reason.

I see a few older folks get on the mini stage and I pipe up eagerly and tug Levi closer. The married couple is always the first to dance anyways and I want to hear every last note. Hanji pulls some friends in to dance with her and watch; one of them being Armin. They've hit it off well since they're both nerds, but Armin still has his sights on Annie. This marriage better give him some ideas.

“Calm down, Bright eyes.”

“I've been waiting for this.”

He rolls his eyes and loosens my grip from his sleeve to leave me standing alone like an idiot. I frown and manage a pout that he wipes away with one touch of my nose.

“Do you think you can wait a little longer?”

“But-”

“I planned a little something for you.”

“Now? Can't it wait until later?”

A single finger touches my lips and I'm left alone in that moment watching in silence when Levi steps onto that same little stage I'd been so eager to view. I really don't know what's spinning around in my head, but I can't find a single coherent thought. I'm afraid I'll shatter the glass in my hands from gripping it too hard, so I set it down on the buffet table for one less thing to worry about. Is no one else questioning this?

Light appears in my eyes and I'm back in the apartment where it all started. Levi has a guitar in his lap, but this time he's not on the couch, he's on a single stool in front of me. It's not his guitar, so he must be borrowing one meant for the performers. I haven't heard him play since the day I helped him move. I was a little fan boy then and I still am, but now we're married. How did all that happen?

My fingers tremble when they're clenched close to my chest anticipating the flawless notes to come from the beautifully tuned instrument. I can't take my eyes off of him and he's watching me just the same. He never told me he had the idea to play at our wedding, but that wouldn't ruin the surprise now wouldn't it? He's spoiling me again. The older performers from before are with him, so possibly a collaboration of some kind? I'm excited either way.

It's just my opinion, but guitars make everything sound so beautiful. This song is no exception. The first few chords aren't familiar, but they sound perfect together. Levi's fingers move fluidly across the neck in a way that looks so easy. He's been practice for this and that alone makes my heart swell ten times bigger. He's deprived me all this time just to give a performance I'll never forget.

Something inside my breaks the moment I hear his voice. It's so clear and low with every word. My jaw would hit the ground it it weren't attached to my face. I hold myself together pressing my hands across my lips to stay quiet. I had no idea. We've been together for so long and I never knew he could sing. I want to listen to the lyrics, but I'm so focused on the gentle movements of his lips and the way he draws out the last breath. I'm frozen in place and my eyes are locked on the man I love more than anything in the world. I'm watching him closely and those little smirks he gives me through his words get me smiling like an idiot.

I'm crying. I didn't notice before, but my eyes are swollen with tears and caking my face in streams. I think I'm dreaming, but it's all so real. The throb in my core could never happen if I wasn't awake. I thought I was sick of crying, but I'm okay with it for now. Crying of happiness isn't something I do very often.

The chorus shakes my soul and I wipe away what tears I can with my sleeve. I'm forced to remove my glasses so I can get everything out of my eyes to see clearer. I'm a hot mess that everyone can point and laugh at and I won't care in the slightest. I'm happy. Words can't begin to describe every ounce of joy I have in my chest and how surreal it is to be with someone who can make me crumble at the seams.

I miss him being close. We're inches away, but I'm so lonely. I want to hold him so he can stop the shaking in my legs. He can cure me of everything. His words have done that over and over again, not just now. I want to hear more of him every second of the day. He has a stunning voice that he never shared with the world. It's for my ears only and will always be that way. Will he ever write his own music? I can only hope.

I want this moment to last forever, but then I would never be able to get close to him. Minutes drag on and I'm left shedding tear after tear until there's nothing left. I can't wait until he's off the stage completely. The moment he steps down to hand over the performance is the moment I hold him as if he'll turn into smoke and disappear. He poured out his heart and now it's my turn to do the same. The ring isn't enough. I want to give him more than anyone else. My arms are wrapped around his neck and his shoulder is drying my cheeks. New soothing music fills the air to muffle out the cheering from Levi's stunning presentation.

My body starts to sway softly and I nearly lose my balance forgetting how legs function. Levi's arms are around my waist and I follow his steps without lifting my head an inch. I dry my tears as to not dirty his shirt and I'm met with a kiss on my temple. Slow dancing is the only thing I have strength for since my movements are delayed. It suits the tune anyways and a few others are joining in, occupying their minds as the sun goes lower.

“I love you, Bright eyes.”

I want to say those words myself, but my voice is lost. The best I can do is find the strength to lift my head and join our lips. He smells sweet and tastes even sweeter. We haven't been married for more than a few hours, but I already know he's the one that will last forever. I'll never understand what he sees, but I know what I feel and it's stronger than love. What we have is so much more. Maybe it's because he knows the real me. I don't have to hide. I don't have to lie. He's the one that puts a smile on my face, the one who pulled me up from the dark, the one who healed me;

The one who saved me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I actually finished this! T_T Thank you for all the people who have stuck with this since the beginning (even though i still hate my writing in the first few chapters). And thank you for all the amazing and constructive comments that helped keep me going. <33 so much love for everyone! 
> 
> For anyone wondering what Levi was singing, I'll leave a link to Trading Yesterday's Desert Lands. I had it planned back when I was still writing the 30th chapters. Definitely a fav for me <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYgMCm7FNCw
> 
> I've already started another ereri fic cuz I love these two so much and I'll be uploading the first chapter as soon as possible
> 
> Thank you all so much!


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you thought it was over >:))))
> 
>  
> 
> This little extra takes place after chapter 45 :3

Levi POV

 

Something has been bothering me for awhile. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Eren told me the day he finally threw his razors into the water bellow his feet. I know I’m not the only one who’s had those thoughts in the back of my head considering how many nightmares Eren has where he’s screaming about his father. It’s happening more and more, but I don’t want to tell him since he tends to get embarrassed and anxious for the rest of the day. When I can’t get him to wake up, I pull him onto my lap and comb through his hair until he calms down. It works well when he’s awake, and more so when he’s out cold. He doesn’t remember a lot of his dreams, or if he does he goes about his day as if nothing ever happened with a dorky smile on his face.

It’s clear he’s still afraid of his father. I can’t blame him even if his fear is a little irrational. He hasn’t seen the man since he ran away, so there’s a good chance he’s hidden away for good. That’s another thing that pisses me off to no end. How can a parent abandon their only flesh and blood? The very thought gets me fuming enough for Eren to notice a lot of the time. I lie and tell him about some twat from work who drove me nuts. It’s enough for him to smile and forget about whatever he was previously thinking.

It keeps me awake more so than usual when I imagine anyone hurting the innocent boy sleeping beside me. How could you live with yourself? I managed to return the pain to Jean who I would have beat into the floor if it weren’t for Petra pulling me away to help Eren with his panic attack. Young guys are assholes; I should know, but that doesn’t excuse anything, and it sure as hell doesn’t excuse what his father did because of something so small and meaningless. I need to know why. I need to find the bastard and turn his face into a bloody pulp for what he did. I think it would make both of us feel a lot better. I’d like to take Eren with me, but I don’t need him having another attack.

The entire process took a couple weeks, but I have Mikasa to thank for tracking down all the information I needed. With her connections and relationship with their father, it was easy for her to call his work and find out his current location. Apparently he sold their old house which Mikasa was more upset about then I figured she would be. She texted me the address and told me to be careful, like I needed it. She isn’t a fan of their father either ever since Eren told her why he left in the first place. I don’t see how anyone could forgive such a complete asshole.

Finding a time to drive out of my way to this unknown location was the most annoying part. I managed to slip out of work early and sent Eren a text telling him I was going to work late. It feels awful to lie to him, but if I actually told him where I was going he would either blow up into a fit of rage or dial my phone in tears telling me not to go. Depending on his this goes, I may or may not let him in on the details. He was upset I wouldn’t be home in time for a movie, but he didn’t push it any further.

Having a GPS would be nice at a time like this, but I’m not made of money. It was a relief Eren didn’t want a fancy ass ring or wedding so we could save up for our future. I was able to make my car payment on time thanks to trading the engagement ring in for something cheaper. I love him even more for thinking ahead like that. I’d give him everything if I could .

The closer I get to the right address the more anxious I become. It’s not an emotion I feel a lot, but the unknown of this whole situation is stressing me out. I have no idea who this guy is. Part of me is afraid I’ll attack him and get dragged away by the cops if I can’t control my anger. He could be an eight foot neckbeard who could crush me with one fist, I have no idea. Either way, I know I need to do this for my own sanity. I haven’t planned out anything I want to say, so I’ll let my heart speak for itself. There’s going to be no filter and I really don’t care if I offend him. The bastard needs someone to knock some sense into him.

I’m expecting some haunted house type crap to show up in my face, but the house is rather average; two stories with a single car garage giving the sign he’s still single. Not shocking at all. While climbing out of the car the only thing I notice out of place are the dying flowers in the window box. He doesn’t have a green thumb that’s for sure. The neighbourhood looks nice enough and even has the occasional adult walking their dog. One waves as I climb the front steps. It’s so odd when strangers act so friendly. I could be a psychotic serial killer and they’re behaving as if I’m a saint. How many of them have waved to Eren’s father with a smile; being so clueless as to what he’s done. Dammit, getting frustrated now won’t help anything.

My knock on the door is more of a pounding now that I want to bust down the damn thing and hunt down this sick fuck. There’s no guarantee I won’t sock him when I catch sight of his ugly mug, but I’ll do my absolute best. Waiting isn’t something I want to do right now. I can hear footsteps on the other side of the door wishing he would hurry up already. It feels wrong being out here. The click of the lock doesn’t come soon enough and I’m met with an older looking guy peering down at me through his rounded glasses. If this is Eren’s father I don’t see the resemblance. That’s a good thing.

“May I help you?”

Yeah, you can drop dead and make the world a better place.

“Are you Grisha?”

“Do I know you?”

Ok we can’t start a circle of questions or I’ll lose my mind. So, what exactly do I say beside ‘I want to stab you in the face’? I suppose not being outside would be a good start.

“We need to talk.”

His eyes narrow being sceptical about my whole appearance. I’m not the kind of person you would want to invite inside willingly. If the tattoos and piercings don’t do the trick then the dark hair and tired eyes will. I’m not expecting him to let me in, but it would be nice to not scream at him in public.

“At least tell me who you are.”

He won’t know me anyways. ‘Levi’ will mean nothing. I need something to make him think. Something he won’t expect to give me the lead I want. This is why I’m here in the first place, so I’ll punch him in the gut right off the bat.

“I’m your son’s fiancé. We need to talk.”

The reaction I was anticipating doesn’t come. There’s a defeated sigh that comes from his chapped lips as he steps aside to let me in. If he doesn’t stab me on the spot it’ll be a miracle. I’m not letting my guard down around him even as I take a step into the spotless hallways that smells of pine trees. It’s a simple looking place; nothing but the essential furniture and light fixtures. The walls are bare, but there’s a few pictures on the hanging shelves that I recognize as Eren’s mother. Eren has those same pictures and keeps them on the nightstand. I bought him a couple frames so they wouldn’t have to stay buried in the bottom of his backpack.

“You told me who you are, but that’s your name?”

“Levi.”

Simple. I’m wandering around the place taking in every detail. There’s nothing to give away that he’s a twisted person. Is this a facade? I really hope I got the right house.

“I know why you’re here.”

So he isn’t as thick headed as I thought. I’m pulled away from the various pictures and follow his wandering figure to the couch. I don’t sit, I simple loom over him as a predator would. He’s a pathetic human. He’s sick and abuses his own children. He hurt Eren and I can never forgive him, I only want to hear his side and try to make some sense of all this. There’s no terrifying bone in his body. He’s pathetically weak from my view.

“Then humour me.”

He flips through an old paper on the coffee table that I have the urge to rip right in front of him hoping its his favourite. I want to destroy everything he loves so he can feel the same pain.

“Tell me exactly what you want to know.”

Why is he so calm? Fuck him. I hate every fibre of his being. He’s sitting there playing innocent. I don’t pity you and your stupid decisions. It doesn’t take long for me to snap and tear the paper off the table and chuck it behind me like the piece of trash it is.

“This isn’t a fucking make up date!”

His eyes are sharp like a soldier now that he’s finally looking at me instead of the table. I don’t blink or break the stare bearing my teeth like a rabid dog. I’ll break his nose to wipe that relaxed look off his face.

“I asked you what you want to know.”

“I wanna know what the fuck is wrong it you!”

What is going through his head? How can he sleep at night knowing what he did? Did he think Eren was dead this whole time or did he just not care? He’s the only blood family the kid has left and he threw that in the gutter to rot.

“This whole time you never knew where Eren was. He ran away and you didn’t give a damn, and now I show up here telling you he’s getting married and you do nothing! Give me something for fuck sake! Give me some kind of emotion to show me you actually give a shit about your son!”

“So what do you want? An apology? You know damn well that won’t change anything.”

That’s true, but it will show that he’s sorry for ruining Eren’s life. It won’t undo the damage that’s grown over the years, but it’s a start and more than I expected when coming here. There’s a mug that sat near the now discarded paper that I have an urge to break over his head.

“I know it won’t, and there’s a good chance you won’t mean it anyway. Eren is going to marry a man so you’re still bound to hate him, right?”

“I don’t care what he does.”

Shockingly there’s no hint of venom in his tone. My eyes narrow and I step closer thinking he’s undergone some sort of transformation within the past few seconds. This isn’t the man I was expecting to encounter. I’m slow when I take a seat on the other side of the coffee table and lean forward to make sure he hasn’t died with how silent he’s become.

“You don’t seem angry.”

“Eren is free to do what he wants with his life.”

“You hated that he was dating a guy, so why the sudden change of heart?”

Picturing this guy making Eren cry and bleed is enough to get my blood boiling to an above average temperature. I’m here to solve issues not make new ones and it’s taking all my strength not to lash out.

“People learn from their mistakes, does that surprise you?”

“So you admit it was a mistake.”

“Of course it was. I lost my temper over something stupid.”

He’s confusing the hell out of me.

“Then why didn’t you go looking for him?”

He grasps the mug and sets it on his lap dragging his thumb along the rim in thought. I watch a little mesmerized by the action. Parents are supposed to do anything for their kids. My own mother was a perfect example of that, so does that give the other a free pass to be an asshole? Some of us aren’t fortunate enough to have parents anymore, so it’s pissing me off that this guy isn’t trying.

“I knew he wouldn’t want to see me after what I did, so I kept my distance.”

“That’s the dumbest logic I’ve ever heard.”

He looks up at me from the steaming cup to raise his brow. He can’t seriously think staying away from the kid was the best decision. The choice he made has damaged Eren’s emotional state more than he realizes. Yet another reason to loath him.

“You’re his father for fuck sakes. Did you honestly think letting Eren believe you hated him was the best thing to do? Are you really that stupid?”

“You really came here to mock me, is that it?”

As amusing as that sounds, I don’t want to sit here arguing and pondering what could have been if Grisha had taken a different path. What’s done is something I can’t change. I’m relieved to see he acknowledges his stupid mistakes, even if that doesn’t undo a thing. I sigh to release some of the frustration and spin the engagement ring around my finger.

“No... as frustrated as I am with you, I don’t want to fight. I’m here for Eren... and I want to make this right again.”

“Why isn’t Eren with you?”

Stupid question, but he needs to know every last detail. If he really does care about the kid then I’m willing to open up a little to let him know how he’s been doing.

“I never told him I was coming here. Even if I did, he wouldn’t want to come... he’s afraid of you.”

There’s the slightest hint of raised eyelids giving me the smallest glimpse of hope for this family. Their issues are none of my business, but I can guarantee Eren would never do any of this on his own. I’ll do the dirty work to link them back together no matter how hard it is.

“I’m not going to sugar coat anything for you. He’s terrified. He thinks you’re going to hunt him down and hurt him again. He wakes up screaming from the nightmares your face brings. He can barely talk about you with out breaking down, so that’s why I’m here. I’ll drag your sorry ass back to our apartment myself to apologize if it means Eren can finally sleep.”

“If that’s how it is, what makes you think he wants to see me?”

“He doesn’t. Once everything is said and done I don’t care if he never sees you again, but he needs this. I want him to get the image of a monster out of his head and replace it with a father who actually gives a shit.”

As if on cue, there’s a vibration in my pocket with a mixture of the new ringtone Eren found for me on some ghetto site. I don’t know why I let him touch my shit. I let Grisha stew in my last few words as I get up and wander near the hall to answer my phone.

“Yeah?”

“Levi... are you okay?”

Oh Eren you little worried brat. My plan wasn’t fool proof, but it worked for a little bit.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Petra said you left early... I thought you were working late.”

Dammit, Petra. She can’t resist calling the kid every spare minute she gets. They have a growing relationship that I admit is pretty adorable. He needs more female friends in his life besides Mikasa. This is what I get for not letting her in on the plan.

“I’m sorry, Bright eyes, I was exhausted so I’ll be home soon.”

“O-okay...”

“Don’t sound so depressed. Do you want me to pick up dinner?”

“Really?”

I can hear the smile in his voice immediately and have to snort out of pure amusement. I want to hug his dorky face. He’s so easy to amuse.

“Yes, really. I’m not telling you what, so don’t bother asking.”

“Fine.”

“I gotta go. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The phone is shoved back into my pocket before returning to the living room. The recently occupied couch is empty and Grisha is leaning over a cabinet. I really want to sick around so I can talk some more sense into him, but I can’t let Eren worry more than he has. Now he’s expecting food so I better not be late.I take a few steps closer and lean against the wall to say my quick goodbye, but his words beat mine rather quickly.

“When is the wedding?”

“The end of spring. And no, you weren’t invited.”

If I give him a specific date he may get weird ideas. The last thing I want is him showing up and Eren taking an attack on the day he plans to be perfect. I’d have to end him if that happens.

“I expected as much.”

I snort and keep my eye on the clock judging how many more seconds I can drag out being here that won’t result in me speeding home. I won’t be coming back here like a shitty visit to a grandparent. I want everything to be said now to avoid dancing around and lying to Eren.

“I need to go, but I expect you to come see your fucking son after we’re married.”

I locate the shredded paper on the floor and steal a pen resting on a nearby desk to scratch out our address. I’ll plaster it above his bed if it helps him remember he still has a family to fix. He’s an adult so he should start acting like one and take some fucking responsibility. Not only will he let himself down, he’ll piss me off in the process. I leave the boldly written note on the coffee table and even return to underline the words a few more times. He has no excuse for forgetting.

“Don’t make me drag you there.”

He huffs out something that resembles a laugh and calls for me quickly before I can reach the front door. I’m reaching for the door, but pause when I see a small box in his hand. I’m at a loss of words and a little confused, but I take it anyway and give him a look that screams ‘what the fuck is this?’.

“Give that to Eren.”

“What is it?”

I answer my own question by cracking the lid slowly just to be on the safe side. On the contrary, it’s something completely harmless. A flower. Fake, obviously, but a bright pink that I can’t put a name to. There’s a note stuck onto one of the petals that I’ll leave in place for the fear of ripping it. I don’t think it’s such an odd thing to give.

“A carnation. His mother wore it during our wedding, so I want him to have it.”

“I’ll make sure he gets it.”

I receive a nod and tuck the small box into the pocket of my jacket. It’ll be the best spot to hide it so Eren won’t bug me when he sees a new unknown object. I’ll save it for the actual wedding day. He’s told me several times he doesn’t want a veil, so this will be a good substitute. It will hold a deep meaning without him realizing it. Maybe one day I’ll tell him. Until then, I’ll make sure he never throws it out.

 

 

~~~~~~~~ Time Skip ~~~~~~~~ 

 

 

To be honest, it feels like the wedding never happened. Eren and I go about our days the exact same; waking up for work or school and coming home to left overs and a movie. It’s a simple life and I’m completely fine with that. We’ve managed to put away a good chunk of money with the help of Erwin’s parents so we can finally start looking at different apartments.

Max has grown into a full sized cat and spends his days lounging around the house and flopping himself on every spare surface that isn’t being occupied. Right now that spot is Eren’s lap. He’s hogging the space and it’s stupid of me to get jealous over a cat. He swats at my hand whenever I plan with Eren’s hair as his subtle way of pissing me off.

We have the place to ourselves for the weekend now that Erwin spends most of his time with Mary. It wouldn’t be shocking is he dropped the question on her very soon. It’s impossible to separate them and the looks he gives her make me want to puke from the corniness. We’re planning on having a double date once all of us have some time off.

Eren is practically falling asleep even thought it’s barely 6pm. Our amazing supper consisted of cereal and milkshakes. Don’t ask me how we come up with this shit. We make due with what we have instead of ordering fast food every night. Eren groans softly whenever I touch his hair to get it falling over his cheeks to frame his face. He’s wearing that small striped top and dark jeans that hug his curves perfectly. He knows I can’t keep my hands to myself when he wears that combination.

I manage to pull myself away to gather the dishes, keeping the apartment as clean as possible. I’ll wash them now since Eren is off having a nap on the couch. I glance back every few minutes to check if he’s awake with barely any movement in his direction. He’s been working longer shifts and wakes up early to cook breakfast with all these new things he’s found online. I’ve had the chance to try some of his German cooking and the brat’s skills are to die for.

The sudden knock at the door gives me a heart attack and Eren jolts awake scaring Max into the bedroom. I sigh and wipe my hands off going through my head as to which one of Erwin’s drunk friends decided to show up out of the blue. We don’t get visitors unless you count the apartment manager or maintenance guy.

“It’s open!”

Greeting people at the door isn’t my forte. It’s pretty awkward having to invite them in and do the whole ‘make yourself at home’ speech bullshit. It takes a moment for whoever it is to clue in and open the door. The click catches both our attention and for a a good thirty seconds I forget who’s face I’m seeing. I’ve met him before. Why does he look so familiar?

There’s a loud crash from the living room that I don’t have time to register. My job in the kitchen is neglected rushing out to see what the fuck Eren just broke. He somehow managed to flip the table onto its side and collapse on the floor like a klutz. When I step forward to help him up I notice the trembling in his body as he struggles to move. My arm on his shoulder makes it worse.

“Let go! Let go!”

He’s screaming like a maniac and punching me in the arm forcing me to give him space. It’s comparable to watching a newborn trying to walk except so much more painful. The man at the door looks just as shocked as I am. Where have I seen him before? Eren knows him. Fuck.

The slam of a door rings through the apartment and I wince out a flinch watching the old bastard close to door. I can’t get mad when I as the one who forced him to be here with mind break. Still, a little warning would have been nice. Fuck, I don’t have time to argue with him. Eren is going through a panic attack on the other side of that door.

“Stay there.”

Our doors have locks, but something has been shoved against the handle to prevent it from opening instead. I’m not going to sit patiently outside and wait while Eren freaks out on his own. His father isn’t here to hurt him and I need him to know that. I shove hard enough to form the smallest opening to slip through. Looks like he couldn’t move the dresser the whole way in his flurried state of mind.

The room is empty and quiet if it weren’t for the harsh sobbing coming from the closet. There’s a sharp stab in my gut knowing this is my fault, but no one ever said facing your fears would be easy. This will help. I want it to help or this will have been for nothing. I knock lightly on the closet door to make sure he knows who it is. Barging it wouldn’t be the best option.

“Eren?”

Nothing. He won’t want to talk, and that’s okay.

“I’m coming in, alright?”

The door creaks and light spills onto the floor for a few short seconds. Locating Eren’s curled up form isn’t hard at all. His arms are curled around his head while rocking gently using the heels of his feet. Closing the door again feels necessary leaving the smallest crack for some kind of light. I’m forced to sit so I don’t get attacked by the hanging clothes and shuffle closer until I’m in front of Eren listening to his cries.

“B-be...o-okay... wake up... p-please.”

“Eren?”

So much for him knowing I’m here. His shattered voice breaks my heart in half. He’s in a living nightmare and I forced him into it without any sort of warning. If I touch him, will he lash out? His mind is in a dangerous trance and looping further down a dark pit if I don’t pull him out.

“D-dream... j-just a d-dream...”

“Eren, can you hear me?”

Doubtful with his arms curled around his ears. If he got any smaller he would shrink away into the floor. I’ve seen him like this before and I know panicking about it won’t help him calm down, even though it’s hard to keep my cool when the boy I love is falling apart. I’m afraid to get near him, but I deserve a punch in the face, so I’ll risk it.

My fingertips trace up his arm receiving an instant reaction of flinching away with a shriek. Please snap out of it. It will be so much easier if you can listen to me and stop creating your own nightmares. My first job is to get him to hear my voice. That seems to be the only thing that helps when it comes to his panic attacks.

I’m brought to the limit of my strength to pull Eren’s arms away from his body while he screams. He’s getting hysterical and he’s trying to form words, but mashed up syllables is all I hear. Tears flood from his eyes from what I see in the reflected light. It pains me so badly to see him like this. I can feel the frantic pulse of his heart through his wrists.

“Eren, you’re alright. You’re safe.”

“L-Lev-vi... h-help.”

I’m trying, I really am. If I could give up my right arm to make it stop, I would. Everything takes time and I hate that notion. Either he knows I’m here or instinctively crying out for someone to help him. I squeeze his hands to try and ease the trembling in his fingers.

“H-he- he’s g-gonna h-hurt-”

“He’s not going to do anything. I promise nothing will happen to you.”

My promise sounds empty. To him, there’s no way I can stop the monster on the other side of that door. In his eyes Grisha could tear both of us in two. Kinda sad when I’ve seen how pathetic the man is. It’s going to be insanely difficult to get Eren out of this closet, but that’s what I’m aiming for.

“H-help... please... I-I don’t want him h-here.”

“Eren, I swear to you that your father isn’t here to hurt you. You’re completely safe.”

He shakes his head violently as if trying to get my words from his ears. Of course he doesn’t believe me. I’m not the one who’s been through the horrors of living with him. Sure my own father was an asshole, but he never raised a hand towards me or gave me nightmares that last into adulthood. There’s so much worse out there that I’ll take what I have.

“M-make him go a-away... p-please, I-I can’t-”

I lean forward to slip my palm under his cheek so he can look at me straight. He’s sobbing harder causing his breathing to become ragged and shallow. Those beautiful eyes are full of tears and that’s one thing I never wanted to see again. I need this to be the last time.

“Deep breaths, Eren.”

I’ll give him credit for being able to calm himself down better than before. I hate to think it comes from practice. I wipe his tears slowly until his sobs become hiccups hidden behind his lips. A hand curls into my shirt and tugs like a child. I give in and pull him close until he’s seated between my legs, his eyes buried in my neck dampening my skin.

“I know you’re scared, but I need you to listen...”

I give him a moment to precess my voice and receive a nod before continuing.

“I... talked to your father awhile ago... I wanted him to come here. You can hate me if you want, but I promise you this will help.”

His body tenses in a mixture of anger that I know is directed towards me. I’m fine with him throwing a few punches if it will make him feel better. He’s trying to pull away but I keep him close to he can hear me out. I’m not thrilled with this either, but it has to be done before he breaks in half.

“Eren, listen to me... you’re never going to heal if you don’t talk to him. He’s here because he still cares about you and is willing to start over, as long as you meet him halfway.”

When he relaxes, relief washes over my body in a wave. I know deep down he still loves his father even with all the bullshit layered on top. Past words and action eat away at him every night and ultimately plant the notion in his head that he’s not good enough. Sadly, he needs his father’s acceptance in order to be happy.

“D-did he tell you th-that?”

“He did, in his own shitty way. I won’t tell you everything he said, because I want you to find out for yourself.”

His head lifts slightly from my shirt to glance towards the small crack in the closet door. I help him up to sit on his knees to get a clear view of his eyes. He’s tugging lightly at his shirt now hating his choice of clothing. I still think he looks amazing and won’t ever let him forget it.

“I-I can’t... I-I’m scared.”

“I’ll be right beside you the whole time to keep you safe. He doesn’t have to stay for long, just give him a chance.”

Nothing is going to get fixed today, but it’s a good start to have them in the same room. Eren doesn’t have to talk, just being able to stand up to his father will be enough to help. Maybe I’m too optimistic about this whole thing. If I were Eren, would I be able to forgive my father for hurting me that much? At least he’s willing to try, I can see it in his eyes.

I’m the first to stand, hunching over to avoid the racks of clothing that smell of fresh perfume. It’s too stuffy in here to stay much longer. Eren’s hands are trembling and clammy as I take them to help him up. They latch onto me in a tight grip now that the closet is open letting to cool air hit us in the face. The bedroom door is opened slightly from when I slipped in getting Eren to pause.

“Levi... I-I don’t know if I can do this.”

“It’s going to take time, Eren. The first step is always the hardest.”

There’s a hint of a nod and I slip my fingers between his linking us together. Giving him something to hold makes it easier; reminding him I will always be close in case something happens. He dries his cheeks with his sleeves and I give him the chance to take a few deep breaths to gather his anxious thoughts and throw them out. I wish my subtle smile was enough to explain I proud I am of him. He may breakdown a few more times after this, but it’s the progress that matters.

I lead Eren slowly to the door as he drags his feet and squeezes my hand which I return. Grisha is seated patiently on the couch where I told him to stay brewing in his thoughts. It’s highly unlikely the two of them will ever be alone in the same room even with an apology and that’s okay. They’re taking the first step to repair their broken relationship and that I’ll I can ask for.

 


End file.
